Better Than Paradise

 As I started to swipe my page to the right, updating to the new week of the "Come Follow Me" program, I stopped.  The art by Kendal Ray Johnson at the top of the page caught my eye...and then my heart.

The title was particularly arresting: "Better than Paradise." I paused.

I thought about the choice of Adam and Eve to make the hard choice to have children and, thus, leave their paradise garden.

I thought about the choices newly married couples make to have children and, thus, leave their "paradise garden" of more carefully structured lives, travel, freedom and finances--replacing it with the chaos and uncertainty that children bring.

I thought about the choices of millions of people to make family and relationships a priority and, thus, leave their "paradise garden" of carefully controlled isolation.  A "paradise" of perceived control.

Relationships and families are messy.  Having children brings SUCH heartache, struggle and disruption of a carefully idealized world.  Sometimes we have to create families or relationships that seem--at first--less than ideal through adoption or foster care or volunteering.  But I've never heard a parent or foster parent or volunteer say that it wasn't worth it to create those relationships.

Family relationships of any kind are completely worth it.  They are BETTER than paradise.

I hear of more and more young people making the choice to delay having children because they want to "finish this" or "experience this" or "get ready this way."  Family sizes are shrinking, often becoming non-existent in people's fear of leaving their personal Gardens to embrace the imperfection, uncertainty and completely real burdens that relationships and families bring into one's life.

But they are missing so much.

My joy, my heartache, my struggle and my sacrifice is so real, but I believe I have found a truer, deeper paradise in the middle of so much uncertainty and perceived imperfection.

And there is truly "no other way."

Better than paradise, indeed.

"Using Family Councils to Improve Sabbath Day Observance"

So, when I got this topic to speak on  (and a very direct "6 minute time limit"), I'll admit I almost yawned.  Really? I thought.  How dry.

And then I thought about it.  And thought about it.  And thought about it.

The following is the "written" version of my talk, although true to my nature is it only a sketchy version, as I give myself a lot of leeway in following what I have written.  (There have been talks that I didn't refer to at all.)

I gave it last night...and did it in about 6 minutes, too :).  I think I gave a lot of hope to people who think that family councils have to be "perfect."  Well...

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A few years ago my family lived in Hungary. One weekend, my husband (the only Hungarian speaker among us) went to visit his parents who were on their mission in Norway. Sunday morning dawned bright and early as I had a two and a half hour "commute" to church via the public transportation system since we didn't own a vehicle. There were nine of us in all and it was no easy thing. When I showed up in our little branch, one of the few English speaking members approached me and asked, "Why did you come?" I thought about it and how I could express my "why" best in my whirlwind of emotions...in the simplest way.

I simply shared with him a quote I had heard from President Faust, that if we truly understood the significance of partaking of the sacrament each week, we would crawl on hands and knees to partake if necessary.  That was what I had done, and before and since then it has felt many times like crawling  on my hands and knees to get there!  Crazy kids, judging looks, last minute poopy catastrophes, skirts dragged down in front of the entire Primary, no sleep, contention...

While I do not understand the sacrament to that depth, nor its significance, I want to. I also want the Sabbath Day to be a delight, a day of rest. So I keep trying. Today, I will try and help you see why and how you can have a family council to truly make your Sabbath Day a delight.

Over the years, we have had family councils with varying degrees of success. With 11 children and 11 very strong personalities, it has seldom been ideal. Our best ones have been when deciding the reward for finishing the Book of Mormon...and even then, people have left frustrated.

In my mind, I felt that family councils should be perfect: what is "perfect"? Everyone listens? Everyone agrees by the end? Harmony of the 12 Apostles? Yah, right :).

This morning occurred to me that Family Councils aren't meant to be that way. They are just meant to be held. Council in Heaven: 1/3 rebelled, 1/3 ambivilent, 1/3 agreed. That sums it up! I definitely have some who represent the rebellious Lucifer in some councils :).

I remember at one point, we tried to do the following:

You may want to consider holding the general family council on Sunday, which is the first day of the week; families can review the past week and plan for the coming week. This may be exactly what your family needs to help make the Sabbath a delightful experience. --Ballard

Ummm...we experienced the opposite :). I began to stop recommending we have family councils, considering all the "Train Wrecks" of the past.

But, while we don't have them consistently, we do have them. And then the Stake President challenged us to have on Sabbath Day observance. We planned on it and then we let life get in the way. When Quinn was asked to give a talk about having family councils to improve our Sabbath Day observance, we thought, hmmm, maybe we should have one.

So, family councils. Let's look at them:

When preparing for this talk, I decided to get the inside scoop: Lily: "I like family councils. I feel like I get to be part of the decision. I like to know what is going on. I think it is nice to let my voice get heard."  This surprised me, since I didn't think she really enjoyed them.  It makes me think others might not be so set against it either.

Elder Ballard's continued:

No matter what our particular family situation is, it is critical that we understand the unique circumstances of each family member. Though we may share DNA, there may be situations and circumstances among us that may make us vastly different from each other and which may require the compassionate collaboration of the family council.

Amen!

To be effective, I believe family councils must have:

-Respect.

-Let everyone be heard.

-Don't judge.

We can learn how to proceed with a family council from the Primary song,

"I lived in Heaven":

1. I lived in heaven a long time ago, it is true;Lived there and loved there with people I know. So did you.Then Heav'nly Father presented a beautiful plan,All about earth and eternal salvation for man.2. Father said he needed someone who had enough loveTo give his life so we all could return there above.There was another who sought for the honor divine.Jesus said, "Father, send me, and the glory be thine."3. Jesus was chosen, and as the Messiah he came,Conquering evil and death through his glorious name,Giving us hope of a wonderful life yet to be—Home in that heaven where Father is waiting for me.

#1 Teach the doctrine or principle: lay the foundation.

#2 Open it up for discussion and ideas

#3 Get commitment or consensus: agency!

#4 Record it

#5 Refer back to it/follow up.

So, our own Sabbath Day Observance family council. We didn't have much time, but needed to have it, so we did the following:

1-prepped with short lesson on why keep the Sabbath Day holy: with the commandment and promised blessings...the why

2-brainstormed ways to make it better (list of "do's" not only "don'ts")

--go to sleep at reasonable time

--get our church clothes ready the night before

--sing the hymns in Sacrament Meeting

--(I have a daughter who likes to know strategies going into situations) have pre-assigned buddies for the little ones

--watch Bible videos

--write letters

--prep lessons before that morning

--tranquilizer darts for the little ones

(remember, these are just the brainstormed ideas...not everyone was on board with all of them, nor were they what everyone needed—particularly the tranquilizer darts! 11 different personalities, many opinions and needs.)

3-went  around and have each one express what they want to do to improve their Sabbath Day observance. Some excitedly committed to all. (We had to drag it out of some.  Some of my older ones had their arms crossed as they lounged back with a look of open "I am so done with this.") Some only opted for the tranquilizer darts. (Still have jokes about that one.)

4- wrote all the ideas down (all of them; we got a lot of smiles and comments about the tranquilizer darts, including from my protestant friend who spent the night a month or two ago)

5-referred to it on Saturday nights when I remembered to; bear testimony of it; do it myself.

It is important to do this without guilt trips or weighty or sarcastic follow-up comments.  That just kills agency.  And love.  And the Spirit, which is the most effective change-maker.  

We had it, it took about 20 minutes of torture (or a little longer) and then we kept living.  And trying, doing a lot of things right and some weeks just using the list as a way to re-commit and do better the next week.  And try to do it joyfully :).

Was it worth it?  I had my 14 year come up to me a couple months later and say, "You know, I really like Sunday. It makes me feel rested."

He is one of the tranquilizer dart boys. What came of our quick family council? Awareness. Meditation. Purpose. Results.

Doesn't have to be perfect. Doesn't have to be complicated.  Our Sabbath days are better. It is not an accident. It is a choice now. We don't always choose it, but we know how :)!  I know that as we follow the council to hold these family counsels we will be blessed.  

Voices in my head: guilt or cheerleader?

I have many voices in my head...and, no.  As far as I know, I am not certifiably insane :).

As I plan a meal, I may hear RaNae say, "My mom always taught me to have at least two color of vegetables at my meals."  As I set the table, I remember something Mommy Susan used to say about how her mother would set the table so beautifully. And then, as I serve up my plate, I may hear Shara say, "I don't understand why people don't just use the simple way to lose weight and be healthy and just eat normal, well-balanced portions of food."


When I look in the mirror, I often hear Tiffany say, "Mary, you have such lovely eyes!  Just a little touch of make-up here would set them off just perfectly!" :)*   When my kids start going crazy, I hear Ronell Gardner's words at a book club: "Whenever my kids are crazy, I know it is time to grab a pile of books, a couple of kids, and sit down and start snuggling and reading!  Soon, everyone is drawn in and I just keep reading until the mood changes.  Works every time!"

This is one of my favorites:  When I get too ideal and dreamy-eyed romantic with how perfect my life should be--if only I do everything "just" right--I hear my own dear Sister Rausch say, "Get real!" :)

My all-time favorite?  When the world seems against me, and I am discouraged because of what someone has said or done, I hear Quinn say, "Who is the most important person in the world to you?" (Him, of course :).) "And who loves you sooooooo much and thinks you're wonderful?" (Him, of course, again.) Then, spoken with that sly grin of his, "Then what else matters?"

...and the list goes on, and on, and on.

Sometimes, it is images that drift across my mind.  As I watch my two-year old struggle to control her little body, I remember the peaceful image of Julie tracing her little two-year old nephew's arm, while he stands by her side for along time.  As I clean my bathroom, I reflect on the cleanliness of the house of my dear Mom and Dad Biesinger, and the obvious peace and joy it brought them.

I love these people, these images and voices in my head...most of the time. :)   I didn't used to, so much.  I would remember all the awesome wonderful things that people would do and feel guilt.  Pure guilt.  I would beat myself up for not measuring up, every time, to their example or words.  Crazy and debilitating!!

How wrong is that!  Like my favorite saying goes:

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.... You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you... We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

 
So now, I try to look on these voices, these beautiful reminders of truths--that are lived, and not just spoken--by dear friends and family as PERSONAL CHEERLEADERS!!  I know these people, and I know that all of them would not wish for me to feel guilty because of their excellent examples in these areas.  They would know and understand how hard it is to live truths, and encourage and love me through my weaknesses.

To be afraid of others and their examples is to turn off the power of good that they can be in our lives!!!

LET IT SHINE.

**Thanks, Tiffany...my personal beauty consultant :).  A few years ago, when I felt I needed a mentor in the area of "being more feminine and beautiful," I turned to the most beautiful woman I know, and she agreed to help me :).  And she is beautiful inside and out!