Moving

It's funny.

I have less than 10 days here left, and I still haven't really started packing.  I am moving 11 people overseas and I haven't started packing.   What is it that is making me drag my feet?  I love it here.  I love the peace I feel here.  I love the slower pace of life, I love the isolation that makes me crazy sometimes, but most of the time is a blanket of forgetfulness around me and my family.  I love the people.  Can I just say how much I love these people?  These good people that are true pioneers?  These good people that come to church, wrapped up in their own blankets of isolation, whom I wish I could wrap up in my arms and comfort, or find out more about who they are by listening and understanding them? Dear Zsuzsi, dearest Eva és Zita, Aniko és Orsi, Margit, Ilona, Gyongyi, Bobi, Nora, Sister Wiggins, Barbara,...sigh.  And that is just who are in my branch right here! They are all so dear.  I am so glad for facebook and that I can "see" and talk to so many of them that way still!

So, I think I will have to officially start packing.  This is nothing like the feeling that I had coming to Hungary.  Why is that? Maybe it is because I am not sure if I will ever come back?  Sigh again. The morning is beautiful.  Birds are singing.  The air is cool.  I will look on what to cherish. 

Emotions and moving

I think I am at such a mixed state of emotions, that when people ask kindly "how are you?" I think a blank stare best fits how I feel :)...

Tired, emotionally imbalanced, at peace, nervous, uncertain, trusting, ready to cry, enjoying the moment, ready for the moment to pass so I can see what happens next, calculating, befuddled...

You name it: I am probably feeling or have felt it :).

Needless to say, sleep is sporadic, and, whenever I have a few minutes, I wander around, from suitcase to suitcase--rearranging and calculating--, room to room, aimlessly thinking I am doing something, but in reality not doing very much :).

This morning, driving away from dropping off dear Quinn at the airport, I started humming through hymns.  One I had looked up the other day was "When Faith Endures" and my garbled memory of the first verse went through my mind:

"I will not doubt.  I will not fear. God's love and strength are always near.  His promised gift helps me to find an inner strength and peace of mind.  I give my Father willingly, my trust, my prayers, humility.  Something, Something, and love assures that fear departs when faith endures."

As if turning the pages in the hymn book it went to another hymn near that section, "Where Can I Turn For Peace", with the first part of the third verse standing out:

"He answers privately, reaches my reaching...

"In my Gethsemane, Savior and friend."

This is no where near a Gethsemane experience.  In fact, I read over D&C 122 this morning and my many blessings were brought back to my mind.  Really, after reading the Lord's tender answer to an anguished prophet separated from his family and people, my humble gratitude for how easy and wonderful my life is overwhelmed me.  This section is worth reading again and again in its entirety :).  Such a great reminder of all we have to be grateful for.

1 The ends of the earth shall inquire after thy ^aname, and fools shall have thee in ^bderision, and hell shall rage against thee;

 2 While the pure in heart, and the wise, and the noble, and the virtuous, shall seek ^acounsel, and authority, and blessings constantly from under thy hand.

 3 And thy ^apeople shall never be turned against thee by the testimony of traitors.

 4 And although their influence shall cast thee into trouble, and into bars and walls, thou shalt be had in ^ahonor; and but for a small^bmoment and thy voice shall be more terrible in the midst of thine enemies than the fierce ^clion, because of thy righteousness; and thy God shall stand by thee forever and ever.

 5 If thou art called to pass through ^atribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in ^bperils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;

 6 If thou art ^aaccused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to ^bprison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like ^cwolves for the blood of the lamb;

 7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the ^apit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the ^bdeep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to ^chedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of ^dhell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee^eexperience, and shall be for thy good.

 8 The ^aSon of Man hath ^bdescended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

 9 Therefore, ^ahold on thy way, and the priesthood shall ^bremainwith thee; for their ^cbounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy ^ddaysare known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore,^efear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever

Here's a great mormon message that goes right along with it...the Parable of the Current Bush: http://www.lds.org/pages/mormon-messages?lang=eng#the-will-of-god

Quinn gave me a wonderful blessing before he left, using that wonderful priesthood that he is worthy of, and, among other things...well, first and foremost actually,...gave me a blessing of peace.  (Second in importance to that, in my mind, was that I would have a mind that was clear and active and that I would be able to keep track of all the kids :).)

It reminds me of the mormon message about a young man and a lightning strike while at football practice:

http://www.lds.org/pages/mormon-messages?lang=eng#sanctify-yourselves

Like that young man, Quinn was ready and worthy to administer to me, using God's mighty power.  The moment may not have seemed so powerful and dramatic, yet it was powerfully personal and poignant, and his worthiness made it possible.  Tender mercy. I will miss him, but am excited for what he will be getting ready while he is away!

good news about homeschooling in Hungary!

Woohooo!!  It's legal!!

http://www.hslda.org/hs/international/Hungary/default.asp

Blessings-running-manna

Blessings can be found anywhere, like manna on the ground, if you look for them :)..even in transition or doing something I don't do often enough--exercising...

Blessings of going running (or lumbering...I like to call it "running") this morning:
1)I discovered I have my own personal, lit running track not 10 yards from my house :)- I mentioned before I live on a circle now, and all the houses (except ours) either have their front lights on all night or an even higher powered motion-detector light, not to mention the street lamp on the corner of the circle.
2)  Because I don't know how far around it is (and it stresses my orderly brain out not to know that), I will have the chance to have a measuring geometric lesson with my kids later this afternoon so I can at least know approximately how far around it is.
3) I got to ponder on whether or not I am in the prime of my life:
--records for (anything having to do with) climbing Mount Everest have been set by people in their late forties, early fifties
--iron man record: for 2011, set by a man two years older than I am
I must be!
4) It gave me time to think of my blessings: amazing children and husband, time to spend with my family here, the fact that our cars are running, chances to finally be a visiting teacher here and help these woman know that God loves them...

The whole experience helped me realize, as I posted from a quote earlier, the true job of every mother (and person!!) is to find joy and share it with their family and those around them.

It made me think of the whole "pay it forward"/karma concept (couldn't watch the movie).

And it made me realize that our blessings are truly all around us, like manna from heaven if we take the time to look for it.

(Read "The Hiding Place" for incredible examples of this...)

Our wildernesses will be as the garden of the Lord

"For the Lord will comfort Zion; he will comfort all her waste places, and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord.  Joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving, and the voice of melody."--Isaiah 51:3

I thought this scripture fitting to describe the joy and peace I feel right now in this transition phase.  I am finding joy and gladness herein, as I have in so many other times in my life where I have been "stuck in the wilderness".  However, normally I only find the joy and blooms when I look for them :).

Moving update

Our house has been on the market for a little under a month.  We've had some lookers, but no takers yet, but know it will work out.  Quinn is  a smarty-pants and the lookers say we have it in the right price range, but, since it is a "buyer's market", they can be a little more picky about things like radiant heat.  (I loved it, but the most-recent viewers were concerned about the safety of it...so sad for them :S...and us, I guess :)!)

Meanwhile, I am enjoying organizing, refining what we really need and getting rid of more and more, loving not having so much space to clean up (the kids do too :), imagine that!), spending so much great down time with family (with the occasional Karaoke and dinner group mixed in for extra pleasure), and still being able to see my dear people from where we just moved occasionally...although the brief interactions are never enough!

Oh, and I love, love, love living in a house on a circle...my kids play for hours on their bikes and scooters in the circle with no fear of fast cross traffic.  Loved my old house, but this is definitely a perk of the new one :)!

Saying Goodbye and Hungary specifics...kind of...

                One of the things I learned from the death of Isaak is really helping me in this current transition of saying goodbye to dear people.  I have already said “goodbye” for this life to someone infinitely closer to my heart…my dear son.  However, I know that I will not only see him again, but am confident that I will be able to raise him and be near him forever.  This assurance spills over into all the “goodbyes” I have made since then.  Knowing that I have the assurance of eternal relationships with dear people, I know that I will see them again and be near them. 

                And I think it goes deeper than that.  Isaak is a part of me, …I can feel him near often and the lessons I learned from his short life and the love that we share are always with me.  I feel that when I think on my dear friends,…those I am moving physically away from now and those I have parted with in the past.  I know that those relationships, if they are true, will be with me forever, and those dear people are a part of the very core of my make-up: the love, approval (I am a “blue” after all), and friendship they have given me; the way I have changed who I am because of their words and examples; their very faces and mannerisms!

                Maybe it just hasn’t sunk in…or maybe not.  I have women (and men) that I have had to divert my path from temporarily in the past, and each time those paths re-cross (even momentarily!) the relationship is rekindled, as if no time has passed at all.  I am banking on this, subconsciously bringing much peace to this whole time period of moving.

                Plus, (is that a legitimate word to be used that way?  Marni?) I have had so much confirmation that what we are doing right, through countless big and small things that reaffirm the rightness of this transition that it is, quite frankly, overwhelming.  It seems that when the words of others make me take a momentary pause to say, “Is this real?”, or "Shouldn't I be more sad or stressed?" I am bombarded with affirmation and peace from the Spirit.

                A few people have asked for a few more particulars about our “transition” so here it is :)…as far as I know it, anyway.  We are fixing up our house to sell it right now, as we live with my parents in the Salt Lake valley. (10 people+ new paint+ new floors=disaster; easy math, eh?)  It should be ready sometime next week. (Y'all should come and see it next week before we sell it :)!  We have the best realtor, of course...Quinn!...so it should go quickly.

              We have felt prompted to pursue a long-held dream to take our family to Hungary for a few years.  Whether we actually make it or whether we just have lessons we need to learn in the process it is in the Lord’s hands.  We are “anxiously engaged”, doing many things “of our own free will” (D&C 58:26-27), but know that the ultimate assurance of our success is in His hands.  Another option we have on the back burner that feels like a right alternative is moving nearer our dear brother and sister and their family who are moving from Florida in the near future.  Or, the Lord will direct us somewhere else nearby.

                As far as Hungary goes, now would be an ideal time to take our entire family over.  Avot is getting toward high school age, so it will be more challenging to do this when they are any older.  Afterward, Quinn would love to return to Kaysville, and I am content to follow him and the Lord, knowing that the Lord can do mighty miracles with and for us.

Dependence=Spiritual Bondage

Right now, as I live with my parents during this transition time, I have been so blessed: m y mom loves to wash dishes.  Now, typically at the end of a project-filled day at my old house, I made the choice often to leave the dishes for the morning. However, my mom enjoys doing it at the end of the day after she has been at work. “It warms up my hands,” she lovingly insists, bless her heart.  I have loved it so much, but now, sometimes, as I make a mess, I am very conscious of how much she will clean up, if she does it before we get to it.  Now, we have a great relationship…I love to cook and “make the messes”, so we seem to have a good balance, but it does make me think as I have someone else cleans up after me and my messy creativity. 

It made me think about how binding and depressing it would be to be dependent upon someone to do that regularly, without doing anything in return. I am blessed in that there are some things that I think I can help out around here with, so I think we are something of a help, in the face of the obvious inconveniences of having 10 extra people in your home for a few months .  It just made me grateful, grateful that I can clean up after myself…eventually; grateful for the freedom that comes with it.

moving and working

Yesterday, our family had the challenge of raking up the leaves on our half acre lawn from our huge cottonwoods and other trees before the storm came in. Miracle happened, the storm waited, and it is all back in our compost pile. As we dumped the final leaves back there, Quinn mused aloud, "I hope the next owners want a compost pile." :) It made me think about all we have done to our property, all the time and sheer muscle we have put into making it better, and I commented, "At least we left it better than we found it."

That makes me think about life and work. Sure, my husband and I had an ideal of what we were going to do with this property, but, really...to have left it better than we found it is success indeed. And what we learned about work?
-Work, work, and more work...and it is still never done.
-Everyone should have to shovel manure and get a little splatted on them to realize that a)pretty much everything cleans up and b)humility.
-When I was raking,-- surrounded by the quiet,-- mindlessly, repetitiously stroking leaves together, I had time to get to know myself a little more and think about all the things I would try and do and say if I were president of the United States :). Work is good time to ponder!
-Everyone has to pull their weight or something is ruined or someone else has to pay the price...there is never such thing as "something for nothing"
-Work truly is a blessing (see the BYU Mag article about Family Work...Spring 2000, I believe)
-Kids only truly learn how to work if you work right alongside with them
-When I work with my kids, I have some of my best conversations with them, and rarely a disagreement if we are both laboring hard.
-What we work on and consecrate our life to, becomes ours, in a very real, emotional and physical sense. Actually, I guess it is more of a shared ownership with God, who has given us stewardship...or is it even ownership?

Moving is a challenge, but I have loved the cleansing feeling of throwing away so much and giving what is or might be good to the DI or friends. I was burdened with too much stuff! I kept so much of it for so long, "just in case" my kids ever wanted to learn it, only to find that if we did ever use it, it was only for a short while. Well, there are a few things I actually used (Saxon math books!), but many that were extra. I found that the things my kids need to know I could write up, type up, print off a worksheet, or play a game with them in order to teach them...and then I don't have to store anything!

Moving has made me appreciate eternity (friends forever!), evaluate priorities (I pretty much only moved food storage, memories, and books!...oh! and my pillow-top mattress :)...), and consider God's will for me in my life.

A song that I heard as a child keeps going through my mind as I think of leaving so much and so many that I love. It comes from "My Turn on Earth", the song, "I'm not ready" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmR3DNBRrzo):
"Is it over. Have I finished the game? Have I found what I came here to find...Just a few moments more to the moment I leave it all behind me.
I'm not ready, I don't want to go, I cannot bear to leave, if I leave what I came for undone.
I don't think I am through! There are things I must do, there are still some things left that I must say...I cannot bear to leave."

The song itself is a little cheesy, but the lyrics keep floating through my mind.

Oh well...better go attack that dish full of dishes before my baby wakes up and I need to leave for our next stop in life...

...too late! :)

new "journal" entry

Good morning, Isaak, and Happy Birthday, dear son.

I have felt compelled to begin "journalling" anew, on a daily basis. My dear friend, Angie, and I were discussing our deplorable short term memory,...like remembering what happened the day before. I suggested it was because we are so focused on what is in front of us (which is not altogether a bad thing), and then what I felt was a whispered truth came to mind: this is one reason why we keep journals...to be aware of our days, what we are doing, to reflect and ponder on what has happened in our day. This life is not one to be merely endured and hurried through, never looking back, and what better way than writing in our journals to keep our minds aware of not only what is before us, but what we hopefully learned and experienced behind us. Our life does not consist so much of what is in front of us, but, rather, of what is behind us.

Yesterday I said farewell to my men...my fellow basketball players. I will miss them (and the wonderful exercise I got!). I was easily not one of the best players (in fact, as far as shooting consistency, I was probably the worst, although I had pretty good defense :)...), but they still accepted me into their group, and I loved it. Back to yesterday, I arose early (because that is what I do lately :)...) and baked them and my family a batch of cinnamon rolls, and brought them. I said: “This is not because we are moving, and this is not because we are leaving. These are just in case I never see you again, and we are not talking about it.” They smiled. Quinn (understandably) doesn't like to talk about it, and I can see why, the more people I talk to. It is awkward for most to express themselves, and sometimes it is hard to know how much to say. I love these people...they have done so much for me, taught me, loved me, served me, put up with me :)...and I will miss them. Yet, I learned from my last move, that there are amazing people everywhere, if we just take the time to try to get to know them.

I am sooooooo grateful for the lives that have touched mine, and I will never be the same for having met every single person I have while I moved here. It is just tricky saying goodbye when they (nicely) start talking about how much they will miss me, and I think... “you're crazy” :).

Anyway, another dear friend, Suzanne, took my oldest boys to a science exhibit, leaving hers with me, so I could stay longer for “my basketball time”. Tova also stayed home from her last day at Seminary here, which was super sweet of her and a hard thing for me in that I know how important Seminary is. I made breakfast for her, delivered a plate of rolls to her teachers to thank them, and she was able to work on putting together a movie that she created and we acted out about “Julius Caesar” by Shakespeare. She never ceases to amaze me, that daughter of mine. She learned so much about directing, working with people, and patience, patience, and more patience. I was grateful for my own directing experience so that I was able to help her. It will be fun to see it all put together :)!

My boys with Suzanne had a great time. Apparently there was one exhibit that they were able to mildly electrocute themselves, and they thought that was great. Boys :).

The rest of us hurried and loaded up for Vanguard that morning after I came home, grabbed one cinnamon roll, showered and left again. It ended up being a very busy day! I called to reserve a rental truck (for way too much), ordered the kid's “Book-It” Pizza Hut program pizzas for their lunch (Drew-Piper...and they totally deserved it, with how much they read!), and helped set-up for Vanguard.

I love Vanguard. I don't know how much longer I have with it, but the line goes through my head about “The Road Less Travelled”: “I shall be telling this with a sigh, somewhere ages and ages hence, two roads diverged in yellow wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference...”

I know that the Lord is with us. Like Angie reminded me the other day, Corrie Ten Boom said that we can find the hand of the Lord in every experience in our life if we choose to let Him work His miracles through us, whether it is in the good times, or in the bad. I wrote the following in an email to a dear friend and felt I should share it here:

“I hope you are well, that you can find light in the dark times, and, when it is darkest and everything seems to be closing in, that you can feel that our Savior, our dear Elder Brother, is there with you, as I felt Him when I had just lost my Isaak.

"I can still remember, curled up into a ball of torture on my bed, reliving the horrific event over and over again in my mind, hating myself with a depth I had never before known....and looking back, I can see the blanket of His love surrounding me, even as my core was in such a dark and tight place. He was there. He did not remove the burden, but He was there."

I am grateful for the hand of the Lord in my life, and watch in wonder daily to see the miracles unfold.

The rest of the day was one of those wonders. After dropping off my babies to a dear friend's house, and Suzanne taking my "middles" to her oh, so fantastic "Other Club", I was able to go to see Ben Behunin's pottery shop in Salt Lake. It was amazing. He had forgotten (I was so sorry!), but spoke from the heart. The youth loved him, his insight and wisdom were deep, and he even showed us how he threw a pot! He wants to have his children grow up around art...and he does just that!

One of my favorite parts of what he said was something like, "The universe, God, or the Spirit...whatever you would like to call it" (he is used to speaking to people of all faiths) "wants to speak to you. You have something amazing to share,...you were born to create. But to do that, you must have quiet time, time to ponder, time to reflect. When I shut off the music, close the door to my pottery shop and start working with the clay in the silence, I can hear truth and inspiration come to me. We need time to be quiet, and then we need to carry around a sketch book or journal to record what we think and learn. We all have a message we need to hear, but we need to be quiet enough to hear it."

When I got home, I was blessed to talk to a few ladies as I packed up. It is so hard to clean, because "clean" means "packed up", and it is hard to know what to save and what to put away. I was able to visit with Suzanne about Knights of Freedom (she will be sooooo awesome!), a crazy, wonderful friend from the ward, and Julie, who helped me pack up a few rooms. I felt blessed by friends and love! [ I even got invited to the latest "Twilight" movie, and, because I loved my crazy ward friend so much, almost considered going :)...]

Quinn had his last pack meeting, and was grateful how much the other leaders stepped into help. It was a nice change for him, after their months of other sports event responsibilities. He is such a wonderful man! He has been amazing during this time, as he really strives to be his best and do his best. I am grateful to have such a wonderful friend and companion. It will be great to experience this next stage of our adventure with him!