Pain is becoming something else-- almost a sacred opportunity to mourn with someone, to commune with them in the most sacred of spaces.
I still obsessively panic-avoid it on some levels... but I'm realizing more and more it's healthy role in the scheme of things.
Basically, there's no point you can get to that I won't want to be with you or know you.
You could become whatever worst version of yourself that you fear or feel you may become and I would want to be there with you, if you'd let me.
I will never intentionally push you away. I may misread your interactions with me to mean that you want distance and try to honor that (obviously, I'm not so great at that).
I know what it feels like to know that there's some point of becoming who you struggle not to be--some point you can reach where you're unlovable to those around you. 😔 it's a reality I live in.
I'd rather be messy individuals living life side by side than strangers behind walls... but I'm used to walls and super great at hurting people and making them want to build walls.
In some ways Polaroid is my song. Listened to it in the shower this morning…. So many ways I relate to the voice behind the words.
Even if love is often that Polaroid, better in pictures, God had taken me places that fill the void.
Yesterday I got to start running again after six weeks of physical therapy. Actually, it has been longer than that. I tore my meniscus apparently, and both my brother (who is a sports medicine doctor) and my doctor agreed on a treatment plan of a steroid injection into my knee and then physical therapy for ten weeks. I have been doing the exercises faithfully--only missing two times, despite days spent traveling--and have noticed so much improvement. It has been long and slow, but the promise of not only moving without pain but also playing sports is a good motivation!
My brother gave me a specific plan and as I started doing them, I noticed that most of them had to do with my hips. This was an additional blessing, because I had recently become aware that some of my physical problems were potentially linked to some kind of hip displacement that happens during and after childbearing. And chances are, my hips are pretty displaced! So my hips, my "sitting," my knee, and I realized even my back problems were all a part of this same problem...a problem that I finally have a solution for through these exercises. I love how connected my problems--and hence, my solution!-are.
Now, being consistent about these kind of exercises is NOT fun. I am pretty great at doing things off and on, things that are fun, and doing things that have immediate validation or reward.
But as I ran my less than 2-mile, twenty minute route yesterday, it was worth it. 1,680 minutes for twenty minutes. And then twenty more and twenty more. Because it has been way more minutes than that in which I didn't have the choice or ability to run. Or even go up and down stairs or even sit without pain.
Like the Gospel and so many other things, I like that life can be changed by little things. Little stretches. Little exercises. Small and simple.
And I also love that we sometime reap benefits that we don't even realize by doing the small and simple things that are so right for us.
I just came back from a week long wonderful anniversary/birthday celebration with Quinn. It was relaxing and fun. We went to DC and toured around many sites and did wonderful things like: horseback riding in Gettysburg, biking to and from Mount Vernon, touring both houses of the Congress, going through the Holocaust exhibit for almost four hours (and could have been there longer), going to a beach and just spending a lot of wonderful time together.
During that time, especially on my birthday, I learned that I don't really like things centering around me. When they do, I get selfish and get feeling a little grumpy and ancy.
Getting together with my children, gathering them from their different places, has been magical and wonderful as well. Hyrum just came home from scout camp, Lily spent a week at the Zyborgs along with Elijah and Xai, and the three little girls from visiting with Aaron and Niesha. It felt so good to be home. Lily said she missed having our family together for prayer after we said it again. It did feel oh so good.
Family prayer and scripture study have truly been a blessing. Sometimes when I wonder at the peace that we do have in our home amidst the chaos and contention, the Spirit whispers that it is because we are doing the "simple" things the best we can like those two nightly activities, going to church, going to the temple regularly, doing family history and having weekly FHE.
A couple times on our trip it came up that we are expecting our twelfth child. Trust me. It is a topic I don't bring up on my own. When people do ask and I tell them, most of the time there is a blank stare and a kind of "I have no response to that" kind of response :). One was with a couple that had been married for 44 years that we met. He was an airline pilot and they had two boys. The woman said that she loved children a bit wistfully and I assured her that I thought one was a lot of children. I do. Each number of children has their own challenges, unique to the number and the personalities of the children. It is definitely an individual choice and no kind of badge of honor or race to have children. Our choice has simply felt right for us. And we are super excited for the newest one to join us in a few months :).
Many people say, "God bless you!" when they hear how many children we have to which I normally respond, "Yes, He has." With a big smile. Some say, "You must be busy," to which I respond, "We are all busy...we just pick what we are busy doing. I am busy with kids." Normally I add, "And I love it." Which I do.
Being with them tonight has been particularly wonderful. Like Xai's hovering and frequent hugs and me soothing Elijah as he stirs fitfully in his sleep with a song, "Mary's Lullaby":
All mine in your loveliness, baby all mine; All mine in your holiness, baby all mine;Sing on herald angels in chorus sublime,Sing on and adore...for tonight you are mine.
Away speckled future of sorrow and plight.Away to the years that must follow tonight.The pains of Gethsemane...let them be dim.The red drops of Calvary, not Lord, for him.
Oh, let me enfold thee, my baby, tonight:While legions re singing in joyous delight.A new star has risen to hail thee divine,For you are a king, but tonight you are mine.
Sure, there has been grumpiness, particularly on the part of baby Eli, but for the most part, it has been an overall feeling of being comfortably together once again. The children definitely all had a fabulous week and are the better for their time with family and at camp, but there has been a little something special in the air as we do our nightly routine of scripture, song and prayer, read to the little ones and baths, and bedtime.
For the last half hour, though, I have been waging the war once again. Bed bugs. I have been pretty tired so I am unsure of the number. Sigh. We all had a little break this last week after sanitizing and then staying other places, but here we go again!
It felt like here were so many bugs tonight after a few weeks of only a few per night. Most of them had fed. Part of me is oh so grateful that I was able to catch and kill so many. That many less to grow and reproduce. We have the exterminator coming once again on Wednesday for the second treatment. While I pray that it may take care of the problem as it is supposed to, I am seeing my prayers answered in different ways.
For instance, tonight I was groggy when I woke up around 3 am. I sent a quick prayer heavenward asking, do I really need to get up? The response I thought I got was, "Don't worry about it." Well, I got up anyway and found all those bugs...freshly fed upon my children. I did a few rounds and kept finding more. (I will go up and do some more searching after this.)
While it is satisfying to find and kill them, I always wonder at the ones I am not finding. I spray excess 91% rubbing alcohol around everywhere and just worry. Well, I worry less lately and feel more resigned. At one point tonight the thought floated across my mind as I found three or four at a time in a spot by Hyrum, "Do you still trust in Me?"
Yes, was my calm response, for which I was grateful. I have learned that God definitely doesn't answer our prayers in the way we expect Him to all the time. He could have kept this bed-bug trial from us. It just takes one bug. My faith in the all-powerful ways of God have not diminished though it has been strained at times, for which I am grateful. I am grateful now that, at least at this moment, I can answer with Job that even if God doesn't seem to be taking care of things the way we want Him to, we can know He is still there.
As I wrote earlier, I just went to the Holocaust museum with Quinn. I was grateful for my testimony that I know that this life is not the beginning nor the end, but the second act of a three act play. I am grateful to know that God took up those poor souls to Him in glory to enjoy a far greater amount of time and paradise than this world can offer. While their tests were horrifically cruel, they are over.
There is a song based upon an inscription found in a hiding place for the Jews during World War II:
“I believe in the sun even when it is not shining And I believe in love, even when there’s no one there. And I believe in God, even when he is silent.
I believe through any trial, there is always a way But sometimes in this suffering and hopeless despair My heart cries for shelter, to know someone’s there But a voice rises within me, saying hold on my child, I’ll give you strength, I’ll give you hope. Just stay a little while.
I believe in the sun even when it is not shining And I believe in love even when there’s no one there But I believe in God even when he is silent I believe through any trial there is always a way.
May there someday be sunshine May there someday be happiness May there someday be love May there someday be peace….”
(My thanks to my beautiful niece, Sarah, for introducing this song to my heart so many years ago.)
My minor, minor trial of bedbugs is nothing compared to the horror and depravity Jews, Russians, Serbs, Africans, Chinese, Cambodians, Muslims, fellow Christians and so many others have had to suffer at the hands of terrorists and dictators. But I can learn from this message of hope.
I can believe in God, even when he is silent.
I can believe in any trial, there is always a way.
I just listened to an interesting talk yesterday and it has been on my mind:
“The greater the distance between the giver and the receiver, the more the receiver develops a sense of entitlement.”
When I was younger, we participated in the WIC program. I remember "maxing" out the check with the best items I could, trying to get the most of what the program offered for my family. I love and support the program, but my mentality makes me reflect. If I had been able to look into the eyes of those tax-payers who were paying for my food, would I have had the same attitude?If I had seen what they, themselves, were putting on their tables, what they could afford, would I have the same attitude?
What does entitlement look or, better perhaps, sound like?
"That's not fair."
"I deserve to have them help me."
"My situation is worse than theirs...they should be helping me."
"Why aren't you helping me?!?!?"
Sometimes it is easy for me to get into a corner emotionally and wish that everyone around me could just see how much I was hurting or struggling and then fix it. Whether it is my poor husband, children, or anyone else I might know, I have unfortunately felt this way. To feel sad, lonely or depressed is not the problem. It is my sense of "someone else should fix this!!!!" called out in vengeful rage that I can now see is the problem.
The concept—“the greater the distance between the giver and the receiver, the more the receiver develops a sense of entitlement”—also has profound spiritual applications. Our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, are the ultimate Givers. The more we distance ourselves from Them, the more entitled we feel. We begin to think that we deserve grace and are owed blessings. We are more prone to look around, identify inequities, and feel aggrieved—even offended—by the unfairness we perceive. While the unfairness can range from trivial to gut-wrenching, when we are distant from God, even small inequities loom large. We feel that God has an obligation to fix things—and fix them right now!
Too often I have cast a sullen eye towards Heaven, followed by the accusing thought..."You can fix this!"
So how can drawing closer to the "ultimate Givers" really help?
I was thinking about that this morning. Well, in the scriptures there is example after example of good people experiencing hard or bad things. Sometimes their whole life is. Not only that, the scriptures challenge us that:
D&C 58: 3 Ye cannot behold with your natural aeyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the bglory which shall follow after much tribulation.
4 For after much atribulation come the bblessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be ccrowned with much dglory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.
5 Remember this, which I tell you before, that you mayalay it to heart, and receive that which is to follow.
So when those questions of entitlement and self-pity coupled with blame arise, perhaps it is time for me to draw closer to those from whom I am seeking "the Fix." Whether it is my husband (who, heaven forbid, may have struggles and burdens of his own) or my children (who are, heaven forbid, imperfect just like me and also have struggles and burdens of their own) or others, who, I am sure, if I just scratched the surface, have their own crosses they are bearing. There is some cool quote somewhere from conference that I couldn't find (if someone could, it would be AWESOME :D!!!!), but it goes something like this: If we assumed that most of the people around us were experiencing some great trial at this very moment, we would be right.
So I guess I need to ask myself some questions when I am feeling this entitlement, this "injustice,":
-"how far away am I from the person/Being I expect help from?"
-"how can I get closer?"
-"is it really their job to 'fix' this, or am I supposed to be learning from my trial right now?"
The trainer doesn't reach into the water during an Olympic match just because the athlete they trained seems to be struggling. They wait for their triumphant conclusion, a conclusion that only comes after the struggle.
God promises:
1 Corinthians 10:13 There hath no temptation ataken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be btempted above that ye are able; but will with thectemptation also make a way to descape, that ye may be able to ebearit. (Kel's favorite scripture....love that guy.)
If it is not good for us and we are willing to obey His commandments--following His escape route-- then we will be able to escape if the trial is more than we are able to bear.
If we could only see our trial and struggles through the eyes of the trainer, I suspect we would feel a lot less the victim and more the spiritual athlete. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right, honey :)?
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“And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.”2
That explanation helps us understand why we face trials in life. They give us the opportunity to prove ourselves faithful to God. So many things beat upon us in a lifetime that simply enduring may seem almost beyond us. That’s what the words in the scripture “Ye must … endure to the end”3 seemed to mean to me when I first read them. It sounded grim, like sitting still and holding on to the arms of the chair while someone pulled out my tooth.
It can surely seem that way to a family depending on crops when there is no rain. They may wonder, “How long can we hold on?” It can seem that way to a youth faced with resisting the rising flood of filth and temptation. It can seem that way to a young man struggling to get the training he needs for a job to support a wife and family. It can seem that way to a person who can’t find a job or who has lost job after job as businesses close their doors. It can seem that way to a person faced with the erosion of health and physical strength which may come early or late in life for them or for those they love.
But the test a loving God has set before us is not to see if we can endure difficulty. It is to see if we can endure it well. We pass the test by showing that we remembered Him and the commandments He gave us. And to endure well is to keep those commandments whatever the opposition, whatever the temptation, and whatever the tumult around us. We have that clear understanding because the restored gospel makes the plan of happiness so plain.
That clarity lets us see what help we need. We need strength beyond ourselves to keep the commandments in whatever circumstance life brings to us. For some it may be poverty, but for others it may be prosperity. It may be the ravages of age or the exuberance of youth. The combination of trials and their duration are as varied as are the children of our Heavenly Father. No two are alike. But what is being tested is the same, at all times in our lives and for every person: will we do whatsoever the Lord our God will command us?
Knowing why we are tested and what the test is tells us how to get help. We have to go to God. He gives us the commandments. And we will need more than our own strength to keep them.
