Hitting the wrong target?

 This morning, listening to the following story brought tears to my eyes:

"Many years ago, I went to a summer Scout camp with our son Justin. As the activities got underway, he excitedly announced that he and his friends wanted to earn the archery merit badge. Doing so required the boys to pass a short written test and hit a target with their arrows. My heart sank. At the time, Justin was quite frail due to cystic fibrosis, a disease he had been battling since birth. I wondered if he could pull the bow back far enough to send the arrow to the target.

"As he and his friends left for the archery class, I silently prayed that he would not be humiliated by the experience.
"A couple of anxious hours later, I saw him coming up the path toward me with a big smile. “Dad!” he exclaimed. “I got the merit badge! I got a bull’s-eye; it was on the target next to mine, but I hit a bull’s-eye!” He had pulled the bow back with all his might and let the arrow fly, unable to control its trajectory. How grateful I am for that understanding archery instructor who never said, “Sorry, wrong target!” Rather, upon seeing Justin’s obvious limitations and earnest effort, he kindly responded, “Good job!”
"That is how it will be for us if we do our very best to follow Christ and His prophets in spite of our limitations. If we come unto Him by keeping our covenants and repenting of our sins, we will joyfully hear our Savior’s commendation: “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.”*

I had just finished posting the following to my sweet daughter-in-law, Réka Biesinger, who had followed up on my recent visit with a question about how I am doing:
"I'm adjusting to being home ❤️. I am soaking in all the beautiful spirits around me, but can get overwhelmed with their needs and the endless options of things to do.

"I can totally relate to your need to keep things clean and orderly-- but sometimes that means pushing someone else's needs away; not strengthening my body for future service through my "essential" exercises; not cooking or creating things for a Halloween party; not playing a game with Tova while she's here; not going on a walk in the beautiful fall weather with my darlings....
Not doing the family calendar.
Not working on the plays and songs for our choir.
Not doing ministering.
Not studying Hungarian so I can better speak with my grandson and the beautiful Hungarian people 😉.
Not filling my personal cup of peace to strengthen and enlarge my capacity to serve.
And not sleeping, lol! (Which is probably why I'm up at 4 in the morning writing this to you ❤️)

"All such great things 💛. But I simply cannot do them all.
"So I'm seeking God's perspective through prayer and scripture: so I can feel peace when my laundry is a mile high and there are dishes in the sink 😏.

"Besides, my vacuum is broken so that's a bit of a pain to even do that simple thing.🤣

"But there is so much beauty in each moment that passes that I don't want to let stress overshadow that.
"So I'm choosing to let a lot of things go in the moment. Trusting that trying my level best is awesome, and, worst-case scenario, I dig through my laundry pile for panties for Liesl."

So when I heard the story about "missing the target" this morning, I wept. God had heard my breaking heart underneath my bravado--my concern, my earnest weak attempt to do some little good despite all I saw as "needing" to be done.
Sometimes a good cry is very clarifying.

Stepping back, I'm grateful for my limitations, honestly. They are teaching me to prioritize, have faith in Christ to literally compensate for every pain and problem caused by both my activity and inactivity, and to choose to see my life with purpose, beauty and hope.**
******

*"Hallmarks of Happiness: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2023/10/31sabin?lang=eng&fbclid=IwAR3RSga7ko3sCgqq3Ou3Ac_L4YvrQbalsiHWTagyo5U3JGXZzCi00X53iLs

**which last phrase, ironically, is the theme of my children's book for Piper that I just started illustrating,... another "good thing" 😏.

I can't do this again...

 Groping around in the pitch darkness, I couldn't find the doorway and wall that I just knew were inches from my face.  I stopped my forward motion, determined to save myself from a painful collision in the early morning moments.  As my hands moved around tentatively, searching for what seemed like empty air, I decided to finally pivot slightly 45 degrees and bam!  There was the doorframe scarce inches from my face.

It had been there the whole time.

I just hadn't seen it because I had gotten turned around in the darkness.

Disoriented.

I sure hope that is what is happening to me right now because, boy, I feel lost in the darkness with potential pain all around.

And I am stopped, paralyzed, fearing the pain.  Groping around in the darkness ahead.

******

Twenty five years ago, I was blessed to give birth to a beautiful baby girl.  Transformative. Magical.

Fast forward twenty five years and here I am with thirteen such magical, treasured experiences as each of my darlings came into this world through me.  Though years of horrid, reportable parenting exist, coupled with those are the good times: the cherished smiles and laughter; the memories; the discussions; the struggles; the growth--so much experiential abundance.

And then it started happening seven years ago...

No.  Actually, it began twenty years ago, twenty years ago last April.

They started leaving.

Isaak's tragic death was painful beyond my previous comprehension, with a soul-blasting pain that dominated my emotional health for nineteen years.  Unable to even process the magnitude of the brutal way he left existence, I was unable to simply grieve and say goodbye to my little boy. 

And then this year enter Leah, my amazing child loss/trauma therapist, who unlocked that place in my soul that lived in terror and self-shame and let me grieve that loss.

Previous to this as my children have "flown the coop," to use that normalized expression, I somehow locked that pain of their departure in that same, blinded place I kept my grief over Isaak's loss and pretty much pushed it aside.  I missed them, wrote to them, celebrated the times when I could rejoice with them and cry with them.  I was still a part of their lives. But their absence?  That was a knot that was too painful to be untied.  When people asked, "Aren't you sad that they are gone?" I would rote reply, "Yes, I miss them.  But I know that they would be unhappy staying with me and am grateful that they are owning their life and doing something with it."

As I have learned how to grieve--or let myself grieve--this year, I was surprised and overwhelmed with the backlash of emotion that came with the deep realization that Drew was gone, as he serves his church mission in Canada.  And I was sad.

And then Lily left. And I was sad.  

At first, it was overwhelming. But with help from my dear Leah, I learned to cry and cope.  Cry and cope.  And cry and cope some more, feeling the rich beauty that does coexist with the loss.

***********

So now I have had five of my darlings leave and rarely (if ever) coming home.  Oh, my heart feels so big and so achy all at the same time, in a drippy kind of way.

(In all this, I am painfully aware of countless scores of people who yearn to have one child, much less thirteen.  I know nothing I can say or do can make that right and my heart aches for them.  I am grateful.  However, sadness and pain still need to be acknowledged to be processed in a healthy way, so here goes...)

My kiddos move away.  They are untouchable. Unhugable.  I am so grateful for modern technology so that we may keep in touch with conversation and video.  But part of my momma heart yearns to hold them and wish that things were as they were.  Everyone together. Memories made. Bread broken. Tears shed. Burdens shared. Work shouldered.

************

And now it's Hyrum's turn.

Going forward into this upcoming separation, with eyes wide open, I feel like I did this morning--anticipating that painful encounter and desperately trying to avoid it.  I am so sad. SOOOOOOO  sad. Happy that he has a plan.  Happier than if he were emotionally stuck in my basement, creating chaos and confusion as he sorts out his inner self...because then I know he would be miserable just as poor Drew was for a while. It is simply so hard to accept that it could be better for my children to be away from me than close to me!

I find myself being angry, separating myself from him emotionally already. Sabotaging the time we have together with my unsettled angst about this upcoming "bonk on the head," as it were.  Piper is also joining him soon, eager to follow her life's path as she deliberately and competently moves toward her future goals at what feels like break-neck speed.

Do they all have to leave like this?  All thirteen?

****************

You know, going back those twenty-five years to that first moment of motherhood, I realize that there was also pain.  Immense pain.  Back labor, misfired epidural, exhaustion.  Somehow the beauty, joy and relief at the end made all the pain worth it.

Maybe that's why, in part, the next life is supposed to be so awesome.  What a reunion that will be!

But also, perhaps, that is part of the reality of life: that with each moment of growth, transition--re-birth as it were--pain and beauty, joy and sorrow are meant to co-exist.

Can that be true?  Can I find beauty in this upcoming loss?

Maybe it's also like labor...you have to focus on getting through the pain by taking deep breaths and shifting your perspective.  The pain does not go away, but is somehow more manageable.

And I guess the only sanity-giving option is to hold onto the belief that like with bringing that new little one into this world, the end result will be worth it? But please forgive me if I scream a little and cry a lot through the current pain.

What Motherhood Can Be...

 I think that I have a unique perspective on motherhood since I am still parenting little ones while in a grandparent stage--that proverbial stage where you are able to let things slide that are just not important.  You're able to see with a little more distance and clarity the beauty of the small things that change so fast.

If I could, I would do what so many women did for me when I was a young mom. I would reassure young moms that the blow-fish lips smears on the mirrors disappear all too quickly.  That the kids will stop writing you notes and going out of their way to show you that they love you and you will be chasing behind them, hoping that they know that you love them even if you can't be their best friend.

I would tell them to stop and snuggle more.

That reading picture books with the kids on the couch is the best way to settle the tensions of fighting.

To say "sorry" faster and openly let the tears flow when your heart breaks when you see them fighting.

I would tell them that you can look into their eyes deeply and let the love you feel just flow into their hearts.

I would tell them to tell their children that they are angry because they are sad or afraid.

I would tell them that you can't ruin a person God loves more than you'll ever know...and that parenting is more about learning to be like God.

That motherhood--in all its forms-- is God's best opportunity to learn charity.

Moroni 7:45 And ^acharity suffereth long, and is ^bkind, and ^cenvieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily ^dprovoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

What does it mean to "just be a mom"? An email conversation...

 I had an interesting series of emails about this topic with a lady in our Relief Society women's organization for my church that went like this:

Her--

Hello Sisters,

We invite all sisters ages 11 and up (Primary, Young Women, Relief Society) to participate in All Sisters Sunday this Sunday, March 14 at 11am. Our discussion focus will be on sisters in the Restoration. Listed below are four brief bios with sources of the sisters we will focus on. 

Phoebe M Angell: mother of Truman Angell (church architect, including of the SLC Temple), 10 children and a very unhappy marriage, divorced, moved with the church multiple times as single mom, practiced “social medicine,” was a midwife, became president of the Female Council of Health in SLC in which she presented lectures and shared recipes for natural prescriptions 

Source: At the Pulpit ch. 6: https://www.churchhistorianspress.org/at-the-pulpit/part-1/chapter-6?lang=eng 

Emmeline B Wells: joined the church at 16, got married and moved to Nauvoo a month before Joseph was killed, trekked west, leader of the women’s suffrage movement both on national and international scale, editor of Woman’s Exponent newspaper for 37 years, general RS president who preserved grain that became crucial during WWI shortage

Sources:https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/callings/relief-society/relief-society-presidents/emmeline-b-wells?lang=eng

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/history/topics/emmeline-b-wells?lang=eng 

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2003/07/emmeline-b-wells-a-fine-soul-who-served?lang=eng

The Diaries of Emmeline B. Wells: https://www.churchhistorianspress.org/emmeline-b-wells?lang=eng

Martha Cannon: born in Wales, trekked west at a very young age, received four degrees by 25: a bachelor's in chemistry, a medical degree, a bachelor's of science, and a bachelor's in oratory, she went to medical school per Brigham Young's request for more women in Utah to become formally educated, became one of first woman doctors in Utah, first female state senator (beating her husband in the election), resident physician at Deseret Hospital, which was run completely by women 1882-1894

Sources:https://history.churchofjesuschrist.org/training/museum/political-pioneers 

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/friend/2019/03/becoming-dr-cannon?lang=eng

Jane Manning James: free Black woman, walked from Connecticut to Nauvoo (800 miles) because she wasn’t allowed passage due to the color of her skin, lived and worked with the Smith family, trekked west, although denied the full blessings of the temple during her lifetime she continued faithful and participated in baptisms for her ancestors in the temple

Sources:https://history.churchofjesuschrist.org/article/jane-manning-james-life-sketch?lang=eng 

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/history/topics/jane-elizabeth-manning-james?lang=eng

-----------

 Me--

Just a plug...could we also feature a woman who was a traditional mother, who lived a gloriously "ordinary" life? I'm super excited to study these diverse women. I would also hope our daughters and sisters can celebrate women who quietly and simply are "just mothers."

I respect the beauty of your presidencies ability to receive revelation, so perhaps these women featured are the entirety of what is needed. Again, just a thought...

Respectfully,

Mary :)

-----------

Her--

Mary, 

Thank you so much for this email plug. It’s given me a good reminder about how to present these sisters :).  I would love to hear more about what you mean when you say “just mothers.” I feel that women who stay home full time (of which I am one) take on lots of roles and responsibilities in their spheres of influence and it’s hard to pin them down as only one thing. 

In the newsletter email we wanted to include a brief overview of each woman and her life. Since it had to be short and concise the role of mother was squashed in with a lot of other things these women did. Each woman did take on the role of mother and most of them were stay at home mothers during that stage of their lives but in other stages they also chose to involve themselves in other causes too. 

I’d also love to hear more on your thoughts of being gloriously ordinary. What does that look like to you? Some of these women pushed the bounds of society and had big leadership roles but not all of them did. Some also lived simply by their faith. You probably haven’t had a chance yet to look at the resources we listed under the bios but I’d be interested to hear what you think after reading more about them. 

Thank you for reaching out! :) 

-------

Me--

Hi!

Thanks for your reply :D.  You are right, I hadn't read the bios completely yet.  I have done so now and, as anticipated, they are truly amazing women who made a difference either through activism or through standing for something through hard times.  I anticipate it will be a great discussion on Sunday and was grateful for the time and effort put into finding the links and the women to study.

"Gloriously ordinary"--perhaps a little background.  I think I am speaking from a view I have had for years and have had to personally deal with, a view that says, "Yes I am a mother,...but what else?"  As you say, motherhood is entwined in our lives in unique ways.  Each of us approaches it differently, truly, and often the way we approach it naturally leads to influence in other areas.  Sometimes we have impact that is independently generated, either concurrent or following our "time as mothers."  I respect that heartily.  And many enjoy that.  

My own road of motherhood has always felt a little...not enough.  "Yes, I change diapers and get kids ready for life...but what impact am I making?" I feel like this is a similar message or mentality of many women who approach motherhood.  Perhaps I see it as the "motherhood-plus" package, which is totally fantastic and wonderful for many.  But in my path I have also rubbed shoulders with a precious few who view their roles of nurturing within their home throughout their children's lives and others who wander in and out as enough. It is simple and it is beautiful.  They are truly happy and joyful in "just being moms."  They nurture, focus on their home environment, etc.  They are content.  I guess I want the discussion with my daughters on this day that celebrates this version of womanhood in addition to the "motherhood plus" versions that have been featured that mention in passing their mothering time amidst their other claims to fame, which are, again, truly remarkable and laudable.

Lately I am finding more and more joy daily in just taking a deep breath and immersing myself in the simple, unanticipated non-routine that is the life of a mom in nurturing stage.  Spilled messes, watching my children discover, trying and failing regularly and then seeing them love me and trying again.  None of these are particularly descriptive, but are worth celebrating.  I am content with my life. I don't need others praise.  But I guess I was just thinking it might give the young women among us another option besides the "...but what else" approach to motherhood. You know, if there was included in the discussion a mom who wiped up poop, made mistakes and was happy doing it anyway.  I love the peace I feel now--after years of worrying if my life's contributions were not enough--the peace of knowing that I am enough "just being a mom," and not worrying about my influence outside of my home as the priority.  

Sister Hinckley is not in this time period featured, but she is an example of that. I think the bios were wonderful but focused on the before and after of this stage that we often pay lip-service to as the crown of a woman's purpose.  Again, I am completely chill with the discussion moving forward as it is :D.  I get it... it is nice to see that we can make "more" of our lives than just being a mom.  These thoughts have just been stirring a lot in my head lately and so were fresh on the surface when I got the email about what we are discussing. I am super happy to leave it as it is.  I think it is a wonderful idea and very inspiring.  I hope this came across how I wanted it to.  Email is so hard.  I hope you can feel that this is more a philosophical answer than an impassioned one.

All the best!

Mary

-------

...and then me later...

I just thought of a different way to look at it :).... hope you don't mind being my sounding board (would love your thoughts).

After reading about these women, I don't come away with a feeling,  "Wow! I can't wait to be a mom to snotty nosed children who keep me awake all night because that's (all by itself) AWESOME." They all share this underlying theme regarding motherhood,  "Yes,  I was a mother, but look at what else I could do" or "look how these things I did (or this person I was) really made a difference."

Yes,  one woman gardens as she mothers. Another sews. Another has the gift of conversation or mindfulness. Let's please include those beautiful examples like y'all did . But perhaps we could also include one that says,  "I woke up,  breathless with excitement at what I would learn from my kids today." "I knew that changing diapers for the millionth time was on the agenda,  but I'm in a place where I celebrate every poop because it means health. " "I looked up from where I worked in the garden and had to put down my trowel as I watched my 7 year old lean over to show his 3 ready old sister a new caterpillar, holding her tiny hand in his." Each of these perspectives could happen in any motherhood scenario, regardless of the talent or other very meaningful different ways we mother.  I just feel that our youth,  particularly young women,  are hearing all they can do while being a mom that they miss the beauty of just enjoying the journey ... letting the "plus" of those "motherhood plus" life plans be the focus.

I did for the first several years. 

It was being exposed to those moms I mentioned that found joy and satisfaction in not just everything they were able to do while mothering but the experience itself that have helped me see the beauty of those commonplace components inherent in every parenthood experience. 

This was fun! Again,  it helps me round out and refine some things I've been pondering lately that your email brought to the forefront.  And again.... just sounding ideas out...

Respectfully, 

Mary

Convergent Messages About Helicopter Parenting

I have always struggled with following through.  Something about that last stage of commitment is so challenging!

I pray for inspiration in homeschooling, personal spiritualiy, personal studies...and then get distracted :).  I tell my kids I will commit to something and then the schedule gets "out of control" and we don't do it.  Or I tell friends and family...same thing.

This last month it has come to the forefront more frequently as I participate in the "Thomas Jefferson for Teens" 22 day "Real You" challenge.  Each day we ask ourselves an introspective question and take a day (or two) to answer it.  Distraction, integrity and commitment have all come to the forefront as challenges I face.  It has been pretty cool to see the patterns and recognize them for what they are.

Even last night, I was reading in a book about visiting teaching and in it, in a hypothetical situation, Joseph Smith was addressing a group of spirits in a pre-earth life scenario, telling them the challenges that they would face.  After sharing his own peers' challenges of being driven from their homes, losing their virtue and their lives to their enemies and being slandered, he turns to a group of individuals from our day and warns that our trial will be prosperity and peace. "You will let yourself get distracted."  That was the key of the message.

He refers to a situation in which a visiting General Authority tells a group to get ready to leave for Jackson County, Missouri at 5 am the next morning.  He warns that only 4 out of 10 will consider it and only 1 will actually go. "You will say...

"If I hear it from the prophet himself, then I will go."

"I have strawberries that are ripe.  I will hurry and get those on and then do head out."

"He can't mean me. I have my mother to take care of and am not very strong myself."

"John can't possibly get work off for at least another week."

The book is about visiting teaching and not putting off our responsibility to reach out, administer, serve and love in the Lord's way, but it hit a chord with me.

I was getting super discouraged last week about my lack of consistency with my kids' scholastic and nurturing needs on a basic level.  I took time to look at the schedule I felt inspired to put up at the beginning of the year, prayed about whether it was still applicable or if it needed some tweaking, and took a deep breath and felt some peace.  I do have an inspired plan and I can trust it.  My son Kel said that one thing he has learned is the rewards of following an inspired schedule.

I think my inner feistiness runs so deep that if anyone including myself tells me what to do, I tend to fight it :D.

So, referring to the "convergence" in the title, I also picked up my reading for the "Mentoring in the Classics" class I am taking online.  The book is "Understood Betsy" and is a refreshing look at parenting.  It takes a look at parenting the "non-helicopter" way, to put it simply.  I tend to hover and worry about my kids when really, they need some freedom and some confidence in their ability to take on problems, figure them out, struggle through failure and succeed.

It was interesting that I also came across a letter I saved from Tova.  It was written shortly before she left on her mission:

"Thanks for the wonderful year, Mom!  You've allowed me to step out and take more control over how my life is going to turn out.  Though you've given me the chance to make mistakes, you've always been there for me to talk to and to get love from."

One tenet of the TJEd Education philosophy I always struggle to incorporate is "You, Not Them."  I see danger in immersing myself so deeply in my own projects and studies that my children are left feeling less important than "Mom's current project."  I know there is balance required and constant evaluation.  The spirit of the application needs to be two ideas combined:
#1 My child has an inner drive to succeed and will rise to it...even without my help and perhaps even better without my help.
#2 My overall focus in my studies and life's mission will always include my children.

I have a quote up in my bathroom that I refer to often. It is actually more of a historical selection from an article about one of my heroes, Marjorie Hinckley.

Gordon and Marjorie established a home of love, mutual respect, hard work, and gospel living. Daily family prayer provided a window for the children to see their parents’ faith and love. As the family prayed together, the children also sensed the nearness of their Father in Heaven.

The Hinckley home was a place of few rules but great expectations. Marjorie spoke about things that were not worth a battle. Describing a parenting approach that she shared with her husband, she said: “I learned that I needed to trust my children, so I tried to never say no if I could possibly say yes. When we were raising a family, it was a matter of getting through every day and having a little fun along the way. As I could see that I wasn’t going to be able to make all of my children’s decisions anyway, I tried not to worry about every little thing.”³⁵ As a result of their parents’ trust, the children felt respected and gained experience and confidence. And when the answer was no, the children understood that it was not an arbitrary restriction.

Few rules but great expectations.  I am excited to try and trust the Spirit more, make less excuses and just act on my inspired lists.  I am excited to see what my children accomplish as I hand over more and more of the ownership of their life's choices in (hopefully!) an inspired way, one that shows love and support and confidence in their own abilities.

Humorously, a song is going through my head:
"Take a deep breath, pick yourself up, dust yourself off...and start all over again!"  :D

Thanks, Frank Sinatra!