Crazy story: I was up at 5 am (not the craziest part) and noticed that the front porch light was on. Piper had heard Lucky (my parent's cat) meowing outside our windows. I took Lucky back over to my parent's house and walked around the back of the house to take him and his sister, Miracle, to where the food was. Guess who I saw?
The cats wisely backed away and I tried to figure out how to scare away the happily feasting intruder while avoiding smelling "wonderful" for days. I decided to go into the house and try and scare it away safely from the other side of the glass patio doors, which worked.
I let the cats into the porch, closed it off and left them food and water.
As I drove away, I thought about how sometimes the people around us (or we ourselves) are like skunks--with natural built-in responses that are less than desirable, probably developed in combination of childhood/teen environments and natural man weaknesses. Sometimes we need to consider how we handle them this way: recognizing that yes, we can trigger the proverbial "odor," but no, it's not necessarily because we are doing anything wrong. But we can take preventative measures and we can be respectful and creative in maneuvering solutions around it. But the skunk is still just a cute little animal trying to survive and protect itself. No reason to feel any animosity toward it...just wariness . A little healthy wariness/awareness can go a long way to develop a viable relationship with the cute little skunks in our lives .
This
morning, while exercising, I listened to a couple thoughts about not
judging others:
“Always
dealing honorably with others is part of loving mercy. Consider a
conversation I overheard decades ago in the emergency department of
Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland, in the United States.
A patient, Mr. Jackson, was a courteous, pleasant man who was well
known to the hospital staff. He had previously been hospitalized
multiple times for the treatment of alcohol-related diseases. On this
occasion, Mr. Jackson returned to the hospital for symptoms that
would be diagnosed as inflammation of the pancreas caused by alcohol
consumption.
Toward
the end of his shift, Dr. Cohen, a hardworking and admired physician,
evaluated Mr. Jackson and determined that hospitalization was
warranted. Dr. Cohen assigned Dr. Jones, the physician next up in
rotation, to admit Mr. Jackson and oversee his treatment.
Dr.
Jones had attended a prestigious medical school and was just
beginning her postgraduate studies. This grueling training was often
associated with sleep deprivation, which likely contributed to Dr.
Jones’s negative response. Confronted with her fifth admission of
the night, she complained loudly to Dr. Cohen. She felt it was unfair
that she would have to spend many hours caring for Mr. Jackson,
because his predicament was, after all, self-inflicted.
Dr.
Cohen’s emphatic response was spoken in almost a whisper. He said,
“Dr. Jones, you became a physician to care for people and work to
heal them. You didn’t become a physician to judge them. If you
don’t understand the difference, you have no right to train at this
institution.” Following this correction, Dr. Jones diligently cared
for Mr. Jackson during the hospitalization.”
And...
“The
importance of not mistreating others is highlighted in an anecdote
about Hillel the Elder, a Jewish scholar who lived in the first
century before Christ. One of Hillel’s students was exasperated by
the complexity of the Torah—the five books of Moses with their 613
commandments and associated rabbinic writings. The student challenged
Hillel to explain the Torah using only the time that Hillel could
stand on one foot. Hillel may not have had great balance but accepted
the challenge. He quoted from Leviticus, saying, “Thou shalt not
avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but
thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”17 Hillel
then concluded: “That which is hateful unto you, do not do to your
neighbor. This is the whole of the Torah; the rest is commentary. Go
forth and study.”18”
After
listening to these, I tried to ask God where I was being judgmental,
especially like in the first example. A couple relationships come to
mind. I considered how to change them and moved forward.
A
short while later in the morning, I was leaving the bathroom. Havala
was just coming in and I started to switch brushes, intending to take
one to my bathroom. Hava insisted the brush I was taking was hers,
one she had owned for a long time. I harshly criticized her and
challenged her ownership of the brush. Walking away, I grumbled
about the irresponsibility and fickleness of children. As I huffed
and puffed while finishing my morning preparation, the Spirit gently
suggested through feelings and impressions, “Aren't you being a
little judgmental and harsh right now? '[Mary], you became a [mother]
to care for people and work to heal them. You didn’t become a
[mother] to judge them. If you don’t understand the difference,
....”
It's
way too easy to be
judgmental.
These thoughts go perfectly with a book I would recommend to everyone of all ages: "Through Rosalie Colored Glasses."
My brain tickles about doing an earlier post about this concept. I guess some lessons need more than once to take...or there are different levels of learning happening.
Yesterday, I was blessed to teach about the widow's mite in seminary. (1 min clip)
After we watched it I felt inspired to share how perhaps those around us are very emotionally or spiritually poor. Perhaps that young man that drives with us to mutual is giving his two mites just to show up each week when he comes from an emotionally abusive and love-deprived environment. Maybe those people at church that we so easily judge for not serving more or doing better in their callings are giving their widow's mites. Are we the Pharisees who have emotional, physical and spiritual wealth, giving of our largess compared to the new convert for whom it takes everything just to show up at church every so often?
It reminded me of President Hinckley's quote: "All the Lord wants us to do is try...but you have to really try."
The following scripture took on deeper meaning to me in my "perfection-driven" psyche:
27 And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order. (Mosiah 4:27)
I "found" this scripture when looking for the reference and direct quote for the previous one:
4 Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided to enable you to translate; but be diligent unto the end. (D&C 10:4)
I never really noticed the caveat that came after both of these: "it is expedient that he should be diligent" and " be diligent unto the end." Neither of the phrases allow for a cop-out. The widow gave of all she had. We are exhorted in covenants in our church to give of all that we have to the Lord's work.
I have found the limits of my strength, at least the current ones. "It is not requisite." A beautiful phrase. I have been holding myself to the ideal of a woman with no need for sleep and more than 24 hours in my day. You should see all the things I want to do! All good things :).
But apparently I have not yet really learned why we are bound by time and limited means in this life. I still beat myself up occasionally with an imaginary divine standard (although I am getting better). The Lord promises in the scripture of the widow's mite that "blessed is this poor widow." Blessed. Ahhhh, that divine approval. And it comes with so little!
Yesterday I was at the temple after weeks of frustration in trying to set up an appointment and having all the necessary items there. My attendance at the temple has been laced with grief and frustration almost all summer, almost a challenge to my faith as to whether or not I will still attend. However, knowing that the need to go to the temple out-weighs my offence at policy and procedure, I have not-so-humbly continued to attend. Anyway, going back to yesterday, I brought the stack of family names that I have been eager to start working on. We had about 30 females and I asked how many we could do. The gentleman said that they had five there that they wanted to have us do, if that was alright, and then we could do five more along with those temple names.
As I sat there with those 25 "extra" names in my hands, I plead heaven-ward: surely we can just do at least a few more?After all, this is Thy work and is so important for every soul.
The answer came back very simply: Daughter, I am content with your widow's mite.
At the end of my day yesterday, I felt a tender mercy. As I reflected on my diverse day of spiritual/educational highs to "mommy crash moments" of horrible deflation of children's self-esteem, I felt a gentle assurance that I had given my widow's mite and that God was happy with me. I needed to keep trying, that was a given, but he was satisfied with my widow's mite. As I felt lightened by the prospect, I heard a little chuckle and the following phrase drifted into my mind: "The Lord loveth a cheerful giver."
Good point.
If He is truly satisfied as I give my all--the full extent of my strength, not measured in headlong pushing nor in excessive busy-ness (my day was a good balance of push and pause)--then I can be happy. The world of possible joyful endurance opened up before me. I felt giddy. I even woke up and thought politically and historically with joy at 3 am before reasoning myself back to sleep again. And then when I woke up again, I woke up laughing. (Quinn asked if there was anything wrong :D.)
Wrong? No. Things are very right. As I was able to have my mind open to consider accepting and recognizing might be the widow's mite of those around me, my own self-condemnation was tapered and again, I felt joy. Blissful contentment. And an enthusiasm to joyfully explore the capacity of my strength and ability to be still today.
"Oh," I answered the teacher. "I just had an ah-hah! I think that God wants us to come up and love at His level and drop judgment and just love...unconditionally."
Our Sunday School teacher had just shared with us the definition of "agape," the highest of the four forms of love identified by the Greeks:
the highest form of love, especially brotherly love, charity; the love of God for man and of man for God, what some people call "unconditional love."
I was thrilled! This matched with everything I had just been thinking about and learning about in my own journey towards letting God fight my battles and truly praying to just love others after watching War Room.
"Most of your answer was good," came his cautious answer, "but we must make judgment and we must not let ourselves be walked all over by another." Good point.
Now, I have heard this answer all my life, and I believe there is some truth to it. However, I am beginning to believe that this mentality can also be a huge hurdle to truly having charity, this perceived need of "self-defense."
My thoughts that follow are still a work in progress. I am seeking for the truth of it, and, as with many truths, I am sure there are times and seasons for different applications of this truth. Yet what I am seeking right now is an idea that is very elusive and feels...different. Different from my programmed in response and different take than what I took from my Sunday School teacher's answer (he could have meant something different altogether). We shall see. "Judge but not Condemn"
Back to my story, the teacher's response left me wondering. I have pondered this answer of his, this "don't let your guard down" mentality. This morning as I prayed in my mini war-room over the garbage cans in the corner of my kitchen, I was praying to love a particular person with fervor and this Sunday School teacher's response came into my mind. "We must not let people walk all over us or hurt us. We must still make judgments." I believe some of the spirit of what he said lies in my husband's beautiful and succinct answer to this age-old dilemma of "when to judge":
We always make judgments. We just must not condemn.
I feel that this is part of the answer...this difference between condemnation and judgment. However, I think there is more.
The Right Enemy
There is a line in "War Room," where the main character throws out this problem to her mentor: "Do I just back off and choose to forgive and let him walk all over me??"
This whole scene is something I need to watch over and over again, but I love her mentor's response: "God is a good defense attorney. Then you can turn your focus to the real enemy. The one that remains hidden. The one that wants to distract you...to deceive you. To divide you from the Lord and your husband. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy....You need to get your heart right with God and you need to do your fighting through prayer."
God doesn't ask us to stop fighting. He wants us to fight the right enemy. I fear that too often I allow my "judgment," my "protect myself" attitude to become an armor that is keeping God's love out and keeping Satan in.
Lay Down My Weapons?
This concept of "not letting down my defenses" led to me to an experience shared in the Book of Mormon:
Their submission at first seems ludicrous...but they are victorious in the end. I guess it depends upon what we consider a "victory"?
Maybe some effective questions to ask ourselves in a given situation are:
--when I put up my defenses, who am I defending myself against?
--do I trust God enough to fight my battles for me, to be my defense attorney?
--have I truly "battled in prayer" and do I fervently pray for God's love for the individual I am contending against or "protecting myself from"?
--is this a case when I need to "lie down my weapons of war for peace" as the Anti-Nephi-Lehis did or a case when, like Captain Moroni or General Washington, when I need to take up my weapons and defend my people and fight with them "for their houses, their wives, their children and their freedom"?
We are commanded to love our enemies. We are commanded to forgive 70 times 7...or eternally. We are counseled to let God fight our battles for us There is a reason for these commandments and this counsel and why they come out a lot more in the scriptures than instructions to fight.
Times and Seasons
There is a time and a season for everything...but have we tried fighting God's way before we shore up our heart and throw up our defenses?
1 To every thing there is a aseason, and a btime to every purpose under the heaven: 2 A atime to be born, and a time to bdie; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 6 A time to aget, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7 A time to arend, and a time to sew; a time to keepbsilence, and a time to speak; 8 A time to love, and a time to ahate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
Through my own insecurities, I feel sometimes like my answers aren't "right" or "don't fit" what what my teachers have in mind. I feel shut down. I feel insecure. I feel even attacked sometimes. Sometimes I just feel like I shouldn't keep going to classes (yes, this has been a battle over the years with many teachers...must be my problem, eh :)?). Will my "protection of myself" in these situations be a victory for me and for God or for Satan who does not desire my good or the good of anyone in that classroom?
I believe the answers to these questions are personal and to be sought on a situation by situation basis. However, the principle that "forgiveness, love, trust, mercy, grace and God's power are sufficient to make us happy" is universal.
Sometimes, God;s defense will be His call for us to pick up "our weapons of war for peace." Sometimes He uses us to help fight His battles...and sometimes He asks us to lay down our weapons at the feet of those who are fighting us to win the greater battle. Whew. That will take a lot of prayerful discernment and trust. And a lot of "fighting in prayer" as I seek to fight the right enemy.
As my wise husband so often counsels, we need to be careful of universal applications and rather take each situation case by case to determine which action for that specific situation will be best. Perhaps these series of questions will help me decide which unique answer will be mine in any given situation that God will do His will in my life that Satan, the true enemy, will not win.
So I return to my original question: "Let them walk all over me?! ...well, maybe if God is doing my fighting and the victory on the other side of submission is sweeter. Let me pray about it."
...which do we worry about more?...as individuals?...as society?
My thoughts about this question all began yesterday after listening to a short "insightful" study shared by a radio talk show host. He went over all the many, many ways that we "share" in the workplace: something like it takes only 2 hours for a virus to spread through the whole office and how the break room is literally covered with germs...according to some study (and I am sure I can find several studies that validate this study, just as I can find a study to prove many things) :)
His conclusion: "You can use disinfectant and wash your hands as much as you can...
"...or you can just quit your job and try to work from home."
Really? Wow. I guess that is one way to look at it.
Now, before I go on, my sister Tasha, a virologist PhD can give you all sorts of studies about the benefits of soap vs. antibacterial scrubs and how we are creating a super-bug by our obsession with "antibacterial everything." I could also go into the concern studies like the one shared by the talk show host generates, because, let's face it, we all carry germs and we all carry bacteria and we all carry viruses--and, believe it or not, some varieties of each of these can actually be good for you. (I can find a study for you to prove it :), right?)
Now, I am all about cleanliness. I am all about soap, but the issue of "anti-bacterial vs. not" is really not my point.
Whether we are self-proclaimed germophobes or ones who cautiously use antibacterial agents, I believe we can all consider the following:
Just like we all carry these micro-organisms that we cannot see that affect others for good or ill, I would say we all carry things we cannot see that affect others for good or ill to a far greater extent, and it isn't talked about nearly as often as germs.
Words.
Words and thoughts.
Have you ever thought about the effect of one little word? One little careless thought expressed aloud? One little action that speaks volumes?
I am sure you have. I believe we have all been blessed and hurt by the words and thoughts of others to a far greater extent than any germ or virus has ever done. I believe the usual effect of a virus can range anywhere from one to two weeks...some much longer, granted. The typical effect of many of the germs or bacteria we encounter is negligible or positive, but the bad ones affect us about the same as the viruses. Some bacteria (for instance, the ones we need to live) stay with us forever.
Let's draw a comparison: what is the "typical effect" of words? How have words changed your entire life?
-Have you ever heard someone say something incredibly rude and then
"just kidding!", as though saying "just kidding!" could take away the
sting? What do you remember, the "just kidding!" or the sting? And for how long? -How many times has one word of praise stuck with you and made you look at yourself in the mirror differently?
-How many times has that one voice of confidence been heard in your head to reassure you when others are doubting?
-How many times has one thoughtless (or intended) mean-spirited
comment haunted you, affected you, or even completely changed you and
your opinion of yourself, others, or the world around you?
Do we address the plague of unkind words, slights, snubs, judging, back-biting, gossipping with its paralyzing effect the way we do our war on germs?
What if we worried more about the words we are sharing verses the germs we are sharing in the workplace and home and tried to make it a place of positive "word organisms" instead of one filled with "deadly verbal toxins"?
Which war is more important to us? Which war should we concentrate our energies on fighting more? Do we even realize we are already engaged and affected by this contest between positive and negative words just as we are already engaged and affected by the world of germs and bacteria without even knowing it? Do we allow our fears of one to affect our impact in the realm of the other? Do we touch the "untouchables" around us despite our fears of "infection," previous battle scars, or the possible negative outcome of rejection?
Personally, I am going to challenge myself that every time I go to wash my hands with my non-antibacterial soap (which is often!), I am going to try and remember what words, body language or gestures I need to wash away out of my life and which ones I need to start using. We will wash our way to changing the world, one word, one gesture, one tender touch at a time.
I am going to try to become obsessed with kindness. Join me!
