Planes, Puzzles and Plays--God's Got It Covered

 The other day, I missed my flight.  A day later, I prayed. Here's what happened in the middle...

Today, I set aside time to just BE with my kids.

In the meanwhile, there is so much in my head. So much I've chosen to put into my life...I have just been plain overwhelmed lately.  Even eliminating so much, I still find my self-doubt, criticism, lack of answers and mental health history just seem to sabotage the space I'm intentionally seeking to carve out for myself in my life. Self-sabotage, not trusting...it all came together in doing puzzles with my Penelope and Liesl this morning as God lovingly brought truths out during our "play":

*Sometimes I can't attach the piece I want to (that I pick out, I chose) because the other pieces aren't in place yet-I hate this lesson, honestly.  Sometimes you just have to wait for that vision, that moment, because the timing around you--circumstances, personal readiness, other's readiness--is just not right. (Homeschooling groups in Medina NY comes to mind!)

*Sometimes need to take apart a set of pieces in my life that's put together already to attach it to the next set to it-sometimes you have to have a season of deconstruction to make room for what's coming next.

*Sometimes I have to move out of the way physically for a piece to be put into place-we need to be movable to create space for the changes we want.

*Sometimes it takes some rotating to fit something in..you're just turned around-again, sometimes the change needed isn't so much physically, but just how we see things.

*Getting frustrated often makes it harder-while this is self-explanatory, I found doing it with a volatile, yet sweet and intentional three and six year old brought this lesson to life more sweetly and clearly.

*Hyperfocusing on one piece often makes me miss the piece I actully need to put the whole puzzle together. Penelope did this several times, trying to fit the piece in her hand "that was super special" into a spot.  It just wouldn't fit-those special blessings and dreams we seek sometimes just don't fit into that spot in our lives that we want them to.  Too much idealism, hyperfocusing on what we thing should be happening in our lives or other's lives...can just lead to frustration.

*Can't see the place to put the piece because another piece is covering the spot.  Penelope couldn't find where one of her pieces went because the rest of the pieces (symbolic of goals and dreams perhaps?) were all jumbled around and covering where it went-sometimes taking time out to clear out the jumble of ideas and potention in our lives and sort through it is important so we can find the place for pieces that come next.

*Often others help and put in large pieces of the puzzle-often God sets our puzzle piece space up like I do for my little ones so we can feel the satisfaction of putting that piece into place.

*And a lesson that stood out  particularly at the end, sometimes we pick out puzzles that are too hard for us because we really, really, really want to do them.

These lessons and the flight experience made me reflect upon our crazy and miraculous week of Acting Camp.  I truly felt God inspire me and sustaing me in what I could do and help me feel content with what I could not.   I felt the freedom to take time for myself--applying some of my self-care practices. I saw God change the words in my mouth as I was speaking them as a mentor.  It was just...incredible.

I felt God impress upon me the lessons learned that week and "suggest" that I could apply them to the bigger play that is my life, with all of it's seasons and scenes.

I can run again!

 Yesterday I got to start running again after six weeks of physical therapy.  Actually, it has been longer than that. I tore my meniscus apparently, and both my brother (who is a sports medicine doctor) and my doctor agreed on a treatment plan of a steroid injection into my knee and then physical therapy for ten weeks.  I have been doing the exercises faithfully--only missing two times, despite days spent traveling--and have noticed so much improvement. It has been long and slow, but the promise of not only moving without pain but also playing sports is a good motivation!

My brother gave me a specific plan and as I started doing them, I noticed that most of them had to do with my hips.  This was an additional blessing, because I had recently become aware that some of my physical problems were potentially linked to some kind of hip displacement that happens during and after childbearing.  And chances are, my hips are pretty displaced!  So my hips, my "sitting," my knee, and I realized even my back problems were all a part of this same problem...a problem that I finally have a solution for through these exercises. I love how connected my problems--and hence, my solution!-are.

Now, being consistent about these kind of exercises is NOT fun. I am pretty great at doing things off and on, things that are fun, and doing things that have immediate validation or reward. 

But as I ran my less than 2-mile, twenty minute route yesterday, it was worth it. 1,680 minutes for twenty minutes. And then twenty more and twenty more.  Because it has been way more minutes than that in which I didn't have the choice or ability to run. Or even go up and down stairs or even sit without pain.

Like the Gospel and so many other things, I like that life can be changed by little things. Little stretches. Little exercises. Small and simple.

And I also love that we sometime reap benefits that we don't even realize by doing the small and simple things that are so right for us.

Hitting the wrong target?

 This morning, listening to the following story brought tears to my eyes:

"Many years ago, I went to a summer Scout camp with our son Justin. As the activities got underway, he excitedly announced that he and his friends wanted to earn the archery merit badge. Doing so required the boys to pass a short written test and hit a target with their arrows. My heart sank. At the time, Justin was quite frail due to cystic fibrosis, a disease he had been battling since birth. I wondered if he could pull the bow back far enough to send the arrow to the target.

"As he and his friends left for the archery class, I silently prayed that he would not be humiliated by the experience.
"A couple of anxious hours later, I saw him coming up the path toward me with a big smile. “Dad!” he exclaimed. “I got the merit badge! I got a bull’s-eye; it was on the target next to mine, but I hit a bull’s-eye!” He had pulled the bow back with all his might and let the arrow fly, unable to control its trajectory. How grateful I am for that understanding archery instructor who never said, “Sorry, wrong target!” Rather, upon seeing Justin’s obvious limitations and earnest effort, he kindly responded, “Good job!”
"That is how it will be for us if we do our very best to follow Christ and His prophets in spite of our limitations. If we come unto Him by keeping our covenants and repenting of our sins, we will joyfully hear our Savior’s commendation: “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.”*

I had just finished posting the following to my sweet daughter-in-law, Réka Biesinger, who had followed up on my recent visit with a question about how I am doing:
"I'm adjusting to being home ❤️. I am soaking in all the beautiful spirits around me, but can get overwhelmed with their needs and the endless options of things to do.

"I can totally relate to your need to keep things clean and orderly-- but sometimes that means pushing someone else's needs away; not strengthening my body for future service through my "essential" exercises; not cooking or creating things for a Halloween party; not playing a game with Tova while she's here; not going on a walk in the beautiful fall weather with my darlings....
Not doing the family calendar.
Not working on the plays and songs for our choir.
Not doing ministering.
Not studying Hungarian so I can better speak with my grandson and the beautiful Hungarian people 😉.
Not filling my personal cup of peace to strengthen and enlarge my capacity to serve.
And not sleeping, lol! (Which is probably why I'm up at 4 in the morning writing this to you ❤️)

"All such great things 💛. But I simply cannot do them all.
"So I'm seeking God's perspective through prayer and scripture: so I can feel peace when my laundry is a mile high and there are dishes in the sink 😏.

"Besides, my vacuum is broken so that's a bit of a pain to even do that simple thing.🤣

"But there is so much beauty in each moment that passes that I don't want to let stress overshadow that.
"So I'm choosing to let a lot of things go in the moment. Trusting that trying my level best is awesome, and, worst-case scenario, I dig through my laundry pile for panties for Liesl."

So when I heard the story about "missing the target" this morning, I wept. God had heard my breaking heart underneath my bravado--my concern, my earnest weak attempt to do some little good despite all I saw as "needing" to be done.
Sometimes a good cry is very clarifying.

Stepping back, I'm grateful for my limitations, honestly. They are teaching me to prioritize, have faith in Christ to literally compensate for every pain and problem caused by both my activity and inactivity, and to choose to see my life with purpose, beauty and hope.**
******

*"Hallmarks of Happiness: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2023/10/31sabin?lang=eng&fbclid=IwAR3RSga7ko3sCgqq3Ou3Ac_L4YvrQbalsiHWTagyo5U3JGXZzCi00X53iLs

**which last phrase, ironically, is the theme of my children's book for Piper that I just started illustrating,... another "good thing" 😏.

The Burden of Decision Making

 I just had a huge breakthrough moment mentally and need to write my way through it.  (Warning: wordy and very personal.)

It's all about decisions. Making them. The consequences. The pain. The Purpose.

Decision Awareness

For years I and many around me have struggled to make decisions. Why is that? Why do we have a hard time making decisions?

I am reminded of the time that I read “What Is Seen And Not Seen?,” a short essay by Bastiat that apparently the Founding Fathers really liked. While largely a social economy essay, the main concept is that we cannot see the rippling effect of each choice. Writers and speakers today refer to it as the “Butterfly Effect”: a butterfly's wings move air that can ultimately become a hurricane.

So each of our decisions has that same effect. From the looks we give to the blatant actions we take, each motion, each microdecision has an impact—from individual to widespread. And I believe that it is in the awareness of effects we can see coupled with the unperceived reality of what we don't see that makes ...each...decision...so...hard.

My entire life I have been acquiring an increased awareness of my social footprint. The more I learn, the more I study, the more I am exposed to different people, places, cultures and ideas—honestly, the more I just live in awareness of the effects of my actions—the more I learn about:

-how people respond

-how people can be loved

-how people can be hurt

-the power of manipulation

-the power of inspiration

-the history of hurt

-the history of impact

-cause and effect of motivation

-cause and effect of each individual choice.

Often my mind will be a whirlwind of the possibility of a moment. For instance, Xai just came up to me. Instantly my desire to give him a big hug and start interacting with him warred with my feelings that I need to write down these thoughts. Thoughts race about IMPACT:

-of neglect,

-of thoughts left to create chaos and unrest in my brain and psyche

-of each microsecond of pausing in making the next decision

-of even the attitude with which I deliver that finally made decision.

I have always struggled to determine the right decision. In my idealistic world, there was a way to always do the right thing so whenever I made decisions that yielded negative impacts—whether through personal weakness and choice or ignorance—I berated myself. When it was a genuine sin, I learned how to find solace in repentance, although I definitely had a hard time forgiving myself. When it was pain or hurt caused in others or disorder or imperfection created through my decision making, it was like I gave myself permission to scold, hate and even mentally scourge myself.

Mental Scourging

This was a largely unaware process, a default that I generated at some stage of my development; but it became acceptable.

It became engrained.

It became right.

And when I ran over Isaak, it became the new complete reality.

Finally, I had crossed the line over irredeemable. I was faced with many decisions, the biggest one immediately following was to live or die. Again, the ripple effect of possibilities rolled before me: take my life and stop causing pain and horror in the lives of others or keep living and keep inflicting pain.

If I took my life, my family would have to suffer more immediate mourning. The children would be left to face life with a mother who killed herself and the emotional, psychological damage of unforeseen magnitude of that action. If I lived, I would be there to keep causing pain and suffering through my ignorance, ineptness, or choice.

While currently I can see the flaws in this mental state, it was the reality that spring day on the back patio at our house in Kearns in 2003.

I obviously chose the previous option.

Moving forward, I received different levels of healing and feelings of forgiveness. However, underlying it wall was this driving sense of....something. It translated into aggression, huge mood swings and almost constant self-belittlement. Every choice I made seemed to be not quite right. No matter what I chose, someone or something somewhere suffered for that choice.

And the weight had become oppressive.

Even to not make a choice is a choice in itself to be weighed in the balance.

A few years ago, I had a deep and cleansing healing experience with reference to Isaak's death that left me feeling like a new baby with a clean slate. It was a transformational level of healing that alleviated years of inner self-disgust regarding that one horrific day. It was an incalculable respite from that burden.

For a while, that was enough. I basked in the lightness I felt. The inner self-acceptance.

Love yourself

But then something started pricking. I couldn't relax and not feel like a terrible person. I couldn't just sit and enjoy my family. Apparently, I wasn't just compensating for the tragic loss I had caused. Apparently, there was something else happening internally that was torquing my ability to feel content with myself.

What was it?

I began “hearing” whiffs of it in my prayers, which became stronger and stronger over time.

Love yourself.

At first, whenever I felt that I would immediately scoff. I would make excuses. I would justify why that was particularly selfish.

And then I started realizing how deeply that one omission was affecting me. It was preventing me from opening up myself to share in a loving relationship with others. Oh, I could see everyone else's blinding beauty and worth! But I've come to realize that I then tried to either make myself worthy of that relationship or didn't open myself up, fearing my ugliness within would hurt or bore or annoy them. It was painful. It was heavy. It was laced with that same self-belittlement that, logically, I knew was not healthy, correct, and even selfish. But then I would hate myself more for hating myself. Whew. It was exhausting.

However, I was beginning to see the truth behind the commandment, “Love your neighbor as yourself” with its inherent reversal, “Love yourself like your neighbor.” I could feel my ability to love curbed as I tried to control the impact I had on others....always failing. Because I had strong habits of berating myself, sometimes in moments of heat, those thought patterns would transfer onto those around me. It is very hard to change inner dialogue from hate to love on a dime, especially in moments of duress.  I prayed for God to show me how.

Those who know me, know how intense I can get. Imagine that, directed at my soul, rife with disgust. Oh, I had many times free of it, when the world around me, the Spirit, etc would help me find joy in what was going on and peace did penetrate myself. But there was definitely no underlying base of worth or acceptance that existed. It just sat there in my soul, rearing its nasty head when I was struggling or under duress.

Each decision caused pain, burdens, hurt or annoyance somewhere. Every moment I felt like I was weighing the “good, better, best” of that moment and no matter my good intentions, I just couldn't stop hurting people. I came to relish times of being away from everyone, attributing it to some “introvert” quality. And I felt bad for yearning to be away from everyone, even those I loved.

How could that be right? I was definitely stuck.

The Problem of Pain

As I pondered how to move forward, finally seeing the cage I was in, I started reflecting on pain.

Over the years, I would cry out to heaven, “Please take me away so I stop causing pain!!”

However, lately I started thinking: was I really that determined to not cause pain? Is pain so bad? Spending a lifetime avoiding pain is not only unhealthy but unrealistic. (Yes, the line from “Princess Bride” is perfect here: “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling you something.”) I also was mindful of the experience and strength that comes through certain kinds of pain. And I didn't shirk much from pain caused to myself if it was for a higher cause.

So was “the ideal” to not experience pain? No, it couldn't be. But was it right for me to cause pain? Just because pain is an inevitable part of existence, is it okay to deliberately cause it? That doesn't seem right either.

I think often about Eve and her decision in the Garden of Eden. Up until very recently, I felt like her struggle to decide to partake of the fruit—“Is there no other way?”—lay in the fact that she was bringing pain into the world. Her decision would cause pain. But as I write that now, how could the factor of “pain” be part of that decision? She didn't know what “pain” even was at that point....

...which leads me to the HUGE EPIPHANY that I had this week.

The True Burden of Choice

On Wednesday, my bishop counseled me to consider why God loves me. I KNOW He loves me more completely than I know pretty much anything else due to some very sacred experiences I have had over the years. But I have struggled to feel worthy of that love.

As I pondered the Bishop's request, a few things came to mind.

1. I really am a nice person. I love to serve. I can be mean. I am not perfect. But overall, I am nice.
2. I have a soul that loves purely.
3. I live with integrity. almost maniacally always trying to make the “right” decision.

So what was the problem? I knew that the Atonement was there for me. Why did I feel such despair currently? I just kept feeling like no matter what I did, no matter how much I tried to honor God's laws, I just kept being unworthy or horrible or ugly.

Then it hit me. I don't remember how. I think it was when I was listening to 2 Nephi 2, when we learn that the Atonement paid the price for the transgression of the Fall. It hit me: there were two commandments.

1. Multiply and replenish the earth
2. Don't eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil

It was impossible to do both. And they had to make the choice. I don't buy the whole scenario, “God didn't come down in time to stop them from making a bad choice.” Really?? He was distracted??

I don't think so.

And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.

And they would have had no children.

So they had to make a choice. A choice that caused a lot of pain. A choice that caused progression. An obedient choice.

God knew that they would violate one commandment or the other, either by omission or commission. And there was a plan in place.  Going back to 2 Nephi 2:

But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things....

And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law

Christ paid the price.

They had two laws in conflict with each other, and Christ paid the price for the law that they were violating in order to honor the law that was highest at that moment!!

And that day, it hit me.

Each book of scripture begins with choice: a choice where two laws are in conflict..

1. Doctrine and Covenants, where we find Joseph Smith facing a decision to honor his trust with his commendable, supportive mentor, Martin Harris or to honor his faith in God's word that he not share the 116 pages with Martin's wife.

2. Mary and Joseph are confronted with the decision to honor God's direct instruction or honor social and moral constructs of their day and their religion.

3. Nephi is instructed by an angel to kill Laban, going counter to the 10 Commandments—also the word of God.

4. And Adam and Eve were given two commandments in the Garden of Eden: go forth and multiply and don't eat of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

This whole life, every choice we make, is a decision between laws. And when we honorably and with integrity decide to honor the law that we feel is highest at the moment, Christ's atonement will pay the price for our transgression of any lower law!  And the Atonement heals, supports, loves, pays the price, and makes all things whole.

We see it in the scriptures:

-Abraham and Isaac: kill your son or take care of your son

-The widow of Nain: feed the prophet or feed your child

-Jesus Christ: ointment for His feet or feed the poor; Mary and Martha—serve or be instructed

-The Anti-Nephi-Lehis and Captain Moroni: take up or lay down your weapons.

We see it in our lives:

-have a devotional with older kids or play a game with my littles.
-invest in creating productions that my kids are in or stop and take time to go on a walk
-save for the future or use the money for the poor
-take a needed break or make a house of order.
-correct a child or let the Spirit teach them.

-honor inspiration to have another child or spend more time with the kids I already feel overwhelmed to meet the needs of.

My struggle is mostly in how I spend my time:
-serve in church or serve my family
-spend time reading my scriptures or exercising
-date with my husband or snuggle with the kids to sleep.

I would work and work to stream-line and create a schedule that perfectly balanced my time so there was no neglect, no trangression.  And it just wouldn't ever seem to work! 

I was caught up in bearing the burden for the many, many ways I was transgressing laws as I make decisions. I was feeling so dirty and unacceptable. I have to make choices—even the choice to NOT make a choice—and the knowledge and increased awareness I have gained over the years was helping me see more and more the effect of my choices. How could I be a good person and be creating so much actual and potential for pain and heartache? Even at the end of a day where I felt I had done my best, all day long, I would hurt, especially when I was already feeling tired or vulnerable.

A case in point: a few nights ago, Penelope was struggling to go to sleep; Liesl and Eli were upset that I wasn't snuggling with them until they went to sleep, and I had asked Maia and Piper to play a game with me since I missed doing things with them in our busy schedule. It tore me apart. Kids were crying or waiting or whining. I was so frustrated. I was so sad.

All those transgressions just added up. And I couldn't see how Christ would or should forgive me of them if I had gone into the decision with my eyes wide open to the negative cost of those decisions. Surely there must be some way to not cause that pain or potential ripples of negativity.

Apparently not.

Apparently that lesson is important enough it is practically the first lesson of each book of scripture.

We have to make hard choices. The highest law is the one God is telling us to do at that very moment. And we can trust Him that the Atonement will redeem us from the effects of transgressing the law that is lesser at the moment as we act with integrity. I can live with that.

So is this life about making decisions? Absolutely. Making decisions that honor whatever the Higher Law is at the moment. That is what God does constantly, make decisions guided by the highest Law at the moment. He weeps at the pain. He rejoices at the beauty. 

And we are all seeking to become like Him. 

 I think I am starting to get the Purpose of decisions.

I feel peace.

Anxiety Part 2

My mom sent me a beautiful email.  She has always been a great example about just doing what she could and (at least seeming :)...) to be at peace with what she couldn't.  She says herself that she is not much ruled by anxiety.  I say "seeming" because I know that there are things that she has struggled with emotionally, but overall, she does exude a feeling of acceptance of the Lord's will in her life and acknowledgment that she can only do so much.

My mom mentioned that perhaps the unfinished state of our house could have something to do with my anxiety right now...my feelings that I cannot create a feeling of peace and refuge for my family.  I have wondered about that as the construction process takes much longer than we originally anticipated.  Yes, Dave...you were right :).  I still remember sitting across from my dear brother at a restaurant before moving to New York, sharing our family vision with this house and hearing him say, "You know, Mary, projects like that always take longer than you think." I remember distinctly feeling, "Well, yes, but this case will be different..."  Mm-hm!  I guess not :).

I have smiled so many times at the fact that many of the homes here in western New York are in varying degrees of construction so if I were to have a home under constant construction and a state of huge unfinished-ness, this is the place to feel at home with that!  Love this place. Love the people. It is just a reality of where we are.

But yes.  I think that this is part of the problem that I need to deal with.  My mom finishes up her email to me with this:

We come from a perfect calm place called heaven. To feel that peace we need a piece of it on earth. But then I think of the people in Africa with a tin roof that are full of peace and happiness and everything I wrote above goes out the window. Remember I love you and be a little kinder to my daughter. Love those chillins for me! 

Hugs!  Mom

These thoughts have run ruts around in my mind as well.  This unfinished state has been a very physical, seemingly drawn out reminder of my own unfinished state.  The challenge all along has been to find the peace in the process. To find that Africa-like place of contentment in the process of acknowledging there is simply nothing more to be done. This is simply all we can do.  Maybe it is so hard to acknowledge after seeing God do so much with me? Maybe I am left wondering, if you can fix so many things miraculously, why not me?

I replied to my mom:

I have also felt the same thing about the people in Africa.  Maybe the difference is that that is all they can do with their resources?  And this is not?  Maybe this is all we can do with our resources? I am learning a great deal about "finishing things" and my obsession with that in this process. Maybe this is my way to learn?  Thanks for your love and thoughts.  Maybe it is because I am so hard on myself that I am like this. Unlike the Amish, I haven't truly embraced the realization that I am just not perfect and will not be in this life..  Why is that so hard to learn?  Maybe it is because I have felt moments of perfection...although that has always been at times when the Spirit has been there, supplementing and enhancing my own efforts and contributions to a moment.  Interesting.   

That phrase after all I can do has been running through my head as I have experienced several days in a row of non-Spirit enhanced days.  And not for lack of trying.  The Spirit has been here, but I have distinctly felt a pulling back of the usual divine intervention to bless and accentuate my efforts to be more than my capacity. To leave me to my own.  And I am forced to see that I do have limitations :).  And I can still find joy.

Let me see if I can capture this in words.

I have experienced many moments in my life where God has distinctly and hugely added His divine touch to my efforts and created miracles: in youth groups, plays, talks, my family...and I have loved it.   In fact, I now realize that I love it so much, that I have looked around at my home and irrationally thought: if I just push myself hard enough, this would all be done. I list all my projects and think, I have seen miracles before...if I just do more, than this would be done...And that horrible follow-up thought, so why isn't my life "better"?

Wow.  This writing process, again.  The things I am learning.

My mentality is wrong.  It is false.

It is as if I am inherently believing that life is truly a check-list that if I throw myself into it hard enough, God will keep helping me check off things that seem "bigger and better." But right now, it is as if He wants me to see that while it is true that "all I can do" is not very much, it is still beautiful.  And I can still feel peace.  And not beat myself up.  And I can trust Him and that the battles are truly His.  The judging, protecting and providing are truly His, as I referred to in my previous article about the covenant relationship with God, and my job is to love.

I am my worse slave-driver and I think He is trying to teach me to stop. Stop beating myself up.  Trusting more.  Maybe He is trying to teach me the beauty of my perceived imperfection...to stop and be still.  Numerous previous posts center on this and I sense that anyone reading must tire of the repetition :).  I read my last post and see all the fighting words in it, as thought throwing myself at it will defeat the problem when what I need to do is be submissive, humble, trusting.

In my Amish book, it says that an Amish person would never apologize for the dirty state of their house when someone walks in.  To do so, would be to claim that you and your home should be perfect and there is none perfect but God.  I have thought about this a lot lately.  And that I am, in effect, continuously apologizing to the world and beating myself up because I am not perfect.  But there is none perfect but God.

Now I need to make sure that I don't beat myself up because I beat myself up :).  Ahhhh, the cruel cycles we get ourselves into.  Maybe I don't need to "make sure" of anything.  Maybe I just need to go and listen to the birds outside my window, the stream at the bottom of my messy yard and breathe.

In. Out.

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round,or listened to rain slapping the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight,or gazed at the sun fading into the night?
You better slow down, don't dance so fast,time is short, the music won't last.

Do you run through each day on the fly,when you ask "How are you?", do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed,with the next hundred chores running through your head?
You better slow down, don't dance so fast,time is short, the music won't last.

Ever told your child, we'll do it tomorrow,and in your haste, not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch, let a friendship die,'cause you never had time to call and say hi?
You better slow down, don't dance so fast,time is short, the music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere,you miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,it's like an unopened gift thrown away.
Life isn't a race, so take it slower,hear the music before your song is over.

Anxiety: Satan's Tool pt 1

Okay. I am so done with this.

The waking up in the middle of the night, panicking over what I am not doing right, over what I have done wrong, over the many things I think I should do...as if this life is all about getting a certain amount of things done for the grade.

When I was in high school, I got the instant (and relatively meaningless) gratification that comes from jumping through enough hoops in the right way to get an "A." Oh, I was good at it.

At school.  At church.  (Not so much at home, but that is the story of another time :).  It was my place to feel safely imperfect...and I was! Imperfect and safe, much to the sadness of my family many a time, I am sure.)

The grade.  The pat on the back.  The knowledge that I was doing at least enough to get the recognition of doing enough from those around me.  I don't know that it was to try and be better than others...just to prove to my doubting self, my struggling self-worth, that I was doing something right.

When I went to the Farm last week (yes, it is a title of a place in my heart right now), I felt peace. I felt no anxiety. I felt content.

Did that mean I didn't do anything?  That I got nothing "done"?  No.  On the contrary, my days were full of kids, work, studying, games, laughing, snuggling...peace.  There was something about that place (and I felt it in DC and when I went to visit other places, like Maryland two weeks ago, come to think of it), that washed away all these tiny doubts that plague me:
--am I doing enough in homeschooling?
--what about all those projects in the yard I could and should be working on to create not only a beautiful and clean environment for my family but would also be a way to beautify our neighborhood and show responsibility with our possessions?
--what about my time spent with my kids? Am I ruining it in my haste?..

...quick interjection on this one: just yesterday morning I was finally taking time for my little ones. I had even picked up some fruity cereal loops to make necklaces.  Little Spooner came running up to the table with glee when I said time for school.  I had pulled out some of the old workbooks that weren't done and they all started doing things with them.

Was I present? No. I was spending the time reorganizing and straightening around them, not really paying much attention to their chatter and enthusiasm.

So then I brought out the fruit loops.  And couldn't find any yarn.  Anywhere.  I spent 20 minutes heckling children to go and find some, missing the precious happiness at the table and spreading doubt and frustration as to what we were doing and what was important.  My kind and eager children's enthusiasm to help their stressing mother waned into doubt as to their ability to help me, despite their best efforts. (Story of all those wonderful people who try and help me in my life?)

We find some kind of thread to use.  I pour out bowls, turn to Spooner and get him started.  And then leave. I leave a three year old to make his own necklace.  Then come back moments later and get after him for heaven forbid eating most of what he puts on.  Right away.  I punish him by taking it away and with my mean tones.  Poor dear says, "Sorry, Mommy," with the saddest face ever.  Do I melt?  Now, I do.  Then I didn't. I sit next to him and fume about how I don't get unhealthy things for them just to eat...they have to mean something or have some worth.  Ouch.  I cringe just hearing myself in my head. 

Now.  I have a couple different options when I remember things like this (or when the Spirit brings it to my remembrance).  I can sit there and beat myself up.  Or, I can take this as one of those admonitions from the Lord, check my heart, repent, come up with a mental alternative for when this situation or one like it happens again, and determine to do better.

I need to deal with this.  This anxiety is ruining things. I spent I don't know how long yesterday just wandering from mess pile to mess pile in my house, uselessly wondering and wandering and feeling completely overwhelmed.
--I must have too many things
--should I just put everything down and go snuggle?
--who should I snuggle with first?
--what about that mess?
--what about the allowance that I told everyone I would get them yesterday?
--what about lunch?
--good, better, best...good, better, best...

I can hear this litany of questions even now!  I am so busy trying to answer them that I am getting nowhere.

I spoke with my mom yesterday about it, about knowing how unhealthy and wrong this is.  About how many friends I hear that deal with the same things.

How I am determined to find answers. To find peace. I have tasted it. It is possible.

I know this has been more of a rambling type post. I know that many others out there deal with this thing called anxiety.  We are many of us anxious about one thing or another. I know the scriptures tell us to be "anxiously engaged in a good cause" but so many more times tell us to trust God and be at peace, to do all that we can do and then rely upon the Lord. "Cheerfully do all things that lie in your power and then stand still, with utmost assurance, for the arm of the Lord to be revealed..." or something like that (D&C 123:17...check it out.  It's awesome.)

As I was looking up the end of that previously memorized scripture, the Lord showed me the beginning part of my answer in an article:
Finding Self Worth in a Selfie World

It confirmed my answer that I received this morning, recorded on my notepad on my phone and left upstairs:
-Be Present
-Follow the Spirit and keep doing that thing until the Spirit dictates that I should stop
-Laugh More and List Less
-Charity Never Faileth

These are all things I can do.  In fact, I need to stop doing things in order to do them, not do more.

Wow.  That's crazy.  (I am continually amazed by the things that "come out of my fingers" when I start writing, truths that seem to have been hidden therein.)

I don't have to add more time to do what will help. I can do this.  With God's help, we can do this, I should say.

My mind seeks to create a new list for today.  Sigh. Old habits will die hard.  However, with the recognition that this will not add more time, but take things out, why am I already worried about failing?  What is failure? I don't believe God will meet us at the pearly gates with a long list of everything we did in this life to prove our worth. It will be who we are and what we have become, who we have served and how we did it.  As my dear friend Andrea said, what if our life's mission is to help one person?  What if it is? And what if we spend so much time running around worrying about why our mission doesn't look like someone else's that we miss it?

Every time I turn to God, He is telling me to slow down. To trust more.  To have the peace and joy that comes through charity, which never faileth.  Charity: suffer long, envy not, seek not my own.

As I experienced that blessed peace on the Farm and now this debilitating anxiety and stress immediately afterward, I have wondered if maybe I am experiencing this (in part) so that I would know what it feels like, much as I learned depth of sorrow and the limitless power of the Atonement through the death of my son,...that dear,dear little boy that I yearn to hold in my arms in the eternities.
Maybe I am experiencing this so that I can not only relate to others, but so that we may find answers together, battle together, find peace together.

Satan is truly wielding his chain, swinging it over the whole earth and laughing, laughing at the paralysis he is causing among the women of the world and some men. I wonder if Anxiety is one of the modern plagues of this world, created by false reflections of self image, and, like in the article referenced above,

Maybe not having friends in 5th grade meant I wasn’t being a friend to my classmates. Maybe not feeling attractive in high school meant I needed to step away from my mirror and look out my window. Maybe not receiving the leadership roles I felt I needed in order to really make a difference as a missionary meant that I wasn’t fully serving those closest to me—my missionary companions and the families who were looking to us for gospel understanding. Maybe feeling enslaved to a job that wasn’t the coolest or most lucrative meant that I didn’t yet understand that it would be outside the hours of 9 to 5 where my happiest, hardest, and most sacred work would be done. And maybe feeling cheated by 78 “likes” on a posted picture that I thought deserved a million means I’ve swung too far from what I once understood about self-worth and have parlayed my divine identity into an idea of someone I’m not quite and perhaps never will be.

This is just the beginning. Part I, baby. Satan will not win.  I will fight. I will prove that charity never faileth...through the grace of God.

**I was going to post this on this blog. I accidentally pulled up my Singing Bees one and started writing.  When I discovered my "error," I feel it was for a reason. I will double post it, so sorry for the repeat for any who might read both (other than my dear husband :)...)..  Any others who have ideas or experiences that they would like to share, I would greatly benefit from your own experiences, your own successes.  We can do this!

True Faith: Believing Even "If Not"

Quick thoughts from scripture reading and seminary with my son...an answer to my "whine"?

 1 Peter 2:20 For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it ^apatiently? but if, when ye do well, and ^bsuffer for it, ye take it ^cpatiently, this is ^dacceptablewith God.

From the following talk:

A furious Nebuchadnezzar told them that if they would not worship as commanded, they would immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace. “And who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?”2The three young men quickly and confidently responded, “If it be so [if you cast us into the furnace], our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand.” That sounds like my eighth-grade kind of faith. But then they demonstrated that they fully understood what faith is. They continued, “But if not, … we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.”3 That is a statement of true faith.

They knew that they could trust God—even if things didn’t turn out the way they hoped.4 They knew that faith is more than mental assent, more than an acknowledgment that God lives. Faith is total trust in Him.

Our scriptures and our history are replete with accounts of God’s great men and women who believed that He would deliver them, but if not, they demonstrated that they would trust and be true.

He has the power, but it’s our test.

What does the Lord expect of us with respect to our challenges? He expects us to do all we can do. He does the rest. Nephi said, “For we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do...”19

Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord.

Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. … He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. … We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, … we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has.20 

The Night-time "Sorry" Routine

Last night it happened again.

The ranting. The raving.  The mean mommy.  The regret. The shame.  The apology.

As one friend put it, "I feel like saying 'sorry' has become part of the bedtime routine.  'Good night, sleep well, I love you, I am sorry I have been such a mean mommy.'"

Sigh.  I am getting better.

Last night, I was frustrated with the baby, who had been crying for what seemed like forever after I tried lots of things.  Well, lots of things half-heartedly :S.  Daddy took over when I was super-frustrated, fortunately, and I just sat in the back mud room, plugged my ears and ranted and raved at anything I could think of: the house, the mud, the baby.

Daddy's calm, loving presence worked and the baby was soon asleep. I sulked and read a bit, reasoning that I was calming my "poor self" down.

A couple hours later, I awoke to some pretty pitiful cries from a baby.  He had just thrown up all over himself in the crib.   Poor dear.  His tummy had hurt and all his mommy could do was feel sorry for herself.  Sigh.  Lesson learned again.  Hopefully this time my heart is turned even more away from that behavior so there will not be a next time "sorry" as part of the bedtime routine...

...the wake-up routine as it was this morning.

Choosing My "Low": Dirt not Anger

It's funny how sometimes--just to prevent something undesirable from happening--we do something worse.

Now let's fill in those pronouns.

It's funny how every day--just to prevent a dirty kitchen floor (broken window, dirty bathroom, etc.) from happening--I yell at my kids.

Yelling.

What comes to mind when I think that word...

Verbal arrows, hurt, anger, offense, jumping to conclusions, assumptions, regret.

A soft answer turneth away wrath.


I had a beautiful conversation with my daughter Tova the other day.  I have been pretty hard on one of my other kids over the years.  It seems that whenever I correct them, no matter how loving, they seem to clam up and get this "stone face" that drives me absolutely nuts!  Here I am, trying to help them and they put on their stone face and even tune me out a bit! I mean, what kind of disrespect is that?!

Feel the heat of those last thoughts?  I am sure this child felt it too, every time I defaulted to this heat when they would respond in such a non-responsive way to correction.  Correction is going to happen in parenting. I am not going to say "this kitchen is done" when there is still gunk all over.  I struggled with my frustration and we all knew it.  Yelling, anger.  It just felt like I wasn't getting the message across any other way! (But was I even getting it across? That was in itself a frustration!)

Back to the beautiful conversation.  I could recognize that this pattern was destructive to this child and to the environment in our home.

If the adversary can influence us to pick on each other, to find fault, bash, and undermine, to judge or humiliate or taunt, half his battle is won. Why? Because though this sort of conduct may not equate with succumbing to grievous sin, it nevertheless neutralizes us spiritually. The Spirit of the Lord cannot dwell where there is bickering, judging, contention, or any kind of bashing.--Marvin J. Ashton

I asked for help.  I plead with some of my  other children to help me stop myself before I got frustrated when this happened, seeing the light in my other child going out little by little.  After one particular recurrence on a Sunday morning with this child, I ranted to Tova, "But they are just so frustrating!  It is like they don't even care that they are doing something wrong...that they are not even listening!"

She listened thoughtfully as she always does and we continued to get ready for church.  Later, she leaned over just before the Sacrament and whispered, "You know, mom, when I was their age, when you would correct me, I would be very mad at myself for doing something wrong. I didn't want to show that anger, that frustration to you and so I would try and hide it. I would be working so hard to try and hide it and deal with that anger at myself that I wouldn't hear everything you were saying.  Maybe that is happening with this child."

Ouch.  Yes.  They were hearing me. In fact, they were probably being harder on themselves than I wanted them to be...and in my misunderstanding, I was actually driving in this self-hatred by my own frustration, disappointment and anger.

If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.--ibid

I went to a class last Saturday evening and the woman spoke about families: how being in a family is just hard.  There are highs, but there are also the lows. "The trick," the teacher commented, "is to take advantage of the highs to help us make it through the lows."

I thought, "How can you accept the 'lows' though?" I equated the "lows" with "mommy losing her temper or saying something harsh."

The things you say, the tone of your voice, the anger or calm of your words—these things are noticed by your children and by others. They see and learn both the kind and the unkind things we say or do. Nothing exposes our true selves more than how we treat one another in the home.

As I pondered more, I realized that the real lows that we just have to endure are things like dirty laundry, unfinished dishes, dirty rooms.  Those are "lows" that don't leave permanent damage like the harsh and hurtful words I was using to prevent those situations.

Does that mean I don't address those issues?  Not at all. I deeply believe and acknowledge that cleanliness truly is next to godliness.  However, the end does not justify the means.  Battle scars left on the soul is not an acceptable price for a clean kitchen.  Not in my book.  Not anymore.

I am so grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ that heals the victims of my imperfection. I am so grateful for the Spirit that testifies of truth and the inspiration of speakers and presenters at meetings put on my church leaders for my best interest.  I know that I can start today and healing can happen today.