Perfection: making the blooms so big and beautiful, the weeds have nowhere to grow

I love gardening.

Something about working with the earth, clearing the ground for beautiful or delicious things to grow, just satisfies something deep within me.

Not only that...when I am weeding, pruning, watering, weeding, planting, and weeding some more, my mind has a chance to ponder and think.  I have always known this to be one of the benefits of working outside, but today I learned yet another truth as I tilled the soil.

I have worked hard to get our yard back to where it was before I completely neglected it just before moving to Hungary.  It was a mess!  The front yard is blooming and growing, but, as we have other financial priorities, there are some gaps in the garden where no blooms or plants are growing.  No plants other than weeds, that is.  I find that the best way to fight weeds is to plant something else to use the soil.

 Today I noticed some weeds growing in a spot that I have weeded several times.  Resigned, I thought, "Sometimes, you just have to let a few weeds grow and concentrate on the blooms around them."  I thought about my house that gets dirty in the midst of creation, in the midst of homeschooling. I thought of the bad things that grow up around me when I am focusing on big, beautiful good things.

But that led me to thinking...if I have enough blooms to fill my garden, then the weeds really won't grow.

My mind wandered back to my analogy and I think I stumbled across a very beautiful parallel:  when we focus on growing beautiful things in our life--those things that are God's priority and the best and most beautiful things that we can put there--then there will not be time for those weeds of selfishness, bitterness, discontent and envy to grow. If we focus on helping the blossoms of our children grow, focusing on planting good things in their hearts and minds, there will be no room for the bad.  When we fill our mind and lives with the good, the bad simply doesn't have place to grow.

Now, that doesn't mean that there won't be storms, early frosts, and adversity.  However, the weeds will be less to non-existant, depending upon how much time we invest in planting.

I can weed and weed and weed the same spot again and again and the weeds will still keep coming up.  However, if I plant a big beautiful plant in that same spot, my need to weed diminishes.  Similarly, if I poke and prod and poke and prod my children or myself about the "weeds" without planting beautiful things to replace them, I will default to poking and prodding more to try and "keep the weeds down."

Well, time to go weed some more. I didn't read through this again, so I apologize for redundancies and incongruencies, but felt I needed to just get these thoughts down.  Feel free to comment and share your thoughts and experiences on this! :)

Moving rocks

I loved this article from a recent "Friend" magazine!  Sometimes some of the greatest truths come in the simplest packages:

Once a young boy was trying to smooth out the dirt area behind his house so he could play there with his toy cars. There was a large rock blocking his work. The boy pushed and pulled with all his might. But no matter how hard he tried, the rock wouldn’t budge.

His father watched for a while. Then he came to his son and said, “You need to use all your strength to move a rock this large.”

The boy answered, “I have used all my strength!”

His father corrected him: “No, you haven’t. You haven’t had my help yet!”

They then bent down together and moved the rock easily.

The Lord wants us to rely on Him in solving our problems. Then we can feel His love more constantly, more powerfully, more clearly, and more personally. We become united with Him, and we can become like Him.

 I was just reading the parable of the talents this morning and was struck how our meager efforts are made into many things only as we allow the Lord to consecrate our performances.   It is only through His hand and presence in our lives that we are able to have "all that the Father hath."

Yes, we must do all that we can do, but sometimes I think that our "all that we can do" in the Lord's eyes is much more realistic and much more merciful than what we think it is.  The key is to allow Him into our lives daily to help us measure and feel His enabling power through prayer and scripture study and whatever else we feel prompted to do. 

It's funny.  After all these years, I know that those are the answers but sometimes I still really have to drag myself to the altar, as it were, to partake of those mighty blessings that come through those simple acts.  I am reminded of something Quinn mentioned last night in our Family Home Evening on obedience: the people of Moses could be healed from great, deadly sickness if they would just look up at the snake on the rod Moses held up.  That was it.  Look up.  Naaman was healed of debilitating leprosy by simply bathing 7 times in a dirty river.  Do it.

If simple obedience is really the answer, why do I fight and ignore the promptings that often indicate simplicity?

Time to start inviting the Lord with me on my journey more, so I can start moving those rocks that seem to be before me.  Obedience to even the most ludicrous promptings (and maybe especially to those!) will surely yield great miracles in my life.  Why do I insist on doing it "my way", when experience indicates that my way seems to not only not move rocks, but find more to push :)?

When submitting is not a bad thing...

I just finished reading Wister's "The Virginian" for the second time.  The first time I read it, I was convinced that it was a male chauvinist book.  This time? I found it a beautiful portrayal of some key differences between men and women, all done tastefully and respectfully.

One part in particular stands out to me, in which someone is counseling the hero's lady love about happiness in marriage:

Once, I thought love must surely be enough. And I thought if I could make you love me, you could learn me to be less--less-more your kind (he is from the south and she from New England).  And I think I could give you a pretty good sort of love.  But that don't help the little mean pesky things of day by day that make roughness or smoothness for folks tied together so awful close.  Mrs. Taylor hyeh ("here"...a mutual friend of their's)--she don't know anything better than Taylor does.  She don't want anything he can't give her.--pg 196, end of chap. 27

 How many times to we as wives continually seek for that "green grass" on the other side of the fence? It reminded me of the section in Ephesians 5 about husbands and wives:

 22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

 We submit ourselves to the Lord because we love and trust Him.  True, He is perfect, but I know so many men that nourish and cherish their wives the best they know how...and their wives just don't think it is enough.  Men show their nourishing and cherishing in different ways, and when we married them, we as women felt like it was good enough to pledge ourselves to them for time and all eternity at that time.  What has really changed?  Has the husband really gotten that much worse, or have we as women become that much more demanding?

When the honeymoon is over sometimes we start to feel that we need to fix what isn't necessarily broken!

I see men work day in and day out and come home to: "well, that just isn't enough!" time and time and time again.  I know it goes both ways!  I know there are men who also feel that all their loving wives are doing isn't enough and let them know it!

I feel it is so important in marriage to be content with the imperfections in our spouses...I am sure they are aware of enough to work on without their soulmate, their pledged friend and companion, pointing out where they could be better!

Submitting.  Contentment.  Powerful words that will look different for everyone, but eternal principles that are worth considering how to apply in our own unique ways.

Godhood and chaos

As I was working calmly in my house this morning, rejoicing in the first Wednesday I have not had anything scheduled since Christmas time (if not before!), I noticed that out of the chaos I was leaving cleanliness and beauty in my wake. 

It made me wonder, is that not what we are preparing for?  For godhood, when out of the chaos around us, we create beauty and order.  I learned in physics about entropy, the natural tendency of things toward chaos.  Perhaps just as we must confront the natural man tendencies as outlined in Mosiah 3:19 and create beauty and order within ourselves, we must confront the naturally emerging chaos around us and create beauty and order?

Now, I think the "creating" part is very messy at times :), and joyfully so, and one person's view of "chaos" may differ from another's...perhaps like some plants are weeds to some people and flowers to others?  Perhaps some of godhood is that perspective to see the beauty and purpose in some chaos, and knowing which ones we need to work on and fix?

Hmmmm....musing out loud :).

Digging the holes of life

Quinn came up to me yesterday morning.  "My goal (since we are realistic at our house :)...) is to get all the sprinkling systems up and running."  Pause.  "And then, if I actually do that, I will get the swamp cooler running."  I cheered him on his way with a hug, and we each separated to our various fields of Saturday battle.

Periodically I would see him, dirty and tired, but always coming from the same hole.  Apparently, one broken sprinkler line went under a tree and the main line next to it was also vulnerable during the digging and ended up being broken too while Quinn was chopping through the trunk and roots of the tree.

Needless to say, it took him all day to get to the broken line, fix the main line that broke in the process and...that's "it."  It was frustrating for him.

However, as we talked about it (as my projects felt similarly frustrating), I said, "But you know, that work had to be done to get where we want to go.  There was no other way to do it."

It got me thinking this morning.  How many times in callings in the Church, in situations with family and friends, or in personal development we feel like we are like Quinn, digging and digging and digging...even making more problems as we try to "solve the problem" or "achieve the goal"?  It is frustrating! 

Yet...

...sometimes we cannot achieve our goal, mend that relationship, or serve those people without hours of what feels like fruitless labor.

Carry on.  The goal is still the goal.  The end is still heaven.  And it is about what we become in the process, even if we don't always see the fruits of our labors as often as we would like.

"Puzzling" lessons with Hava

As I sit here in the peaceful morning hours, putting together a puzzle with Hava, I was struck by some truths.


She couldn't see the big picture so she kept trying to fit pieces together.  If they were a true fit, then that was exciting!  However, when she kept trying to do it and couldn't find a match, she got discouraged and would give up.  How often in our own lives do we give up on our "big picture" of our lives because we can't seem to find the right pieces to go together?  Do we trust that the big picture is there and God is the author of it?

As we sat there, I also realized that, if she was going to have the enthusiasm and ability to finish this puzzle, at her age, I would have to do a lot of it, and then she would be able to start filling the remaining pieces in better on her own. Similarly, in our youth and infancy, often God helps put a lot of framework pieces in so we can see how we fit in.  However, as our maturity increases, often He lets us do more and more of the different puzzles, according to our readiness and maturity...and enthusiasm :).

He is the perfect "puzzle-put-together" partner!

God is with us

http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/mormon-messages?v=3446112587001&cid=HPWE040914672

God is with us.  Even in our darkest hours.  In fact, especially in our darkest hours.  I know this is true.

On the other side of my wall...

I tend to think deeply and passionately about things...not necessarily correctly, I openly admit, but deeply and passionately.  I have conversation after conversation with people I know and love in my head, conversations that never actually take place. I remember distinctly sitting on the hot black vinyl seat in the car next to my dad on our way to his work, having a conversation with him, only to realize at the end that I had never actually spoken one single word.

When I actually delve into open deep and passionate discussions with the sweetly willing few, I am not always very good at articulating what I say, and say many things that might be construed as hurtful or antagonistic, as I seek to verbalize those emotions and passions and turbulent thoughts that are within me.  I tend to speak words and phrases experimentally, seeking for the Spirit to confirm if what I said accurately reflects truth...or not :).  I distinctly recognize the feeling when I have spoken something that is untrue, or even hurtful. :S But on the other side of this experimentation is so often delicious, beautiful truth!

However, it is a process of experimentation with communication, an experimentation that has so often been a barrier to understanding.  Those I seek deeper understanding with are often understandably hurt by my ofttimes incorrect, arrogant, or antagonistic expressions that I use to seek to find those words that articulate how I feel and what is right.  I don't start trying to offend people.  I love the truth, and recognize that just because I love and trust someone, it doesn't always mean that what they say is true.  When I have conversations like this, these truth-seeking conversations, their opinions and thoughts may be just as correct--and just as invalid!--as I recognize my own to be and I may openly disagree with them in my pursuit of truth and that beautiful confirmation of the Spirit.

The Lord's way is not contention...for contention is of the devil (3 Ne. 11).  Sometimes, when I have these conversations, there is an ugly feeling, a feeling that is not of the Spirit. No truth can come from that, so I often find myself floundering in the middle of a discussion--throwing out words and expressions--, seeking a course of speech that will regain the Spirit.  It is not always pretty.  Sometimes, I can see it is painful or uncomfortable to the one I am speaking with and I hurt and often stop.  I hate offending or hurting people almost as much as I love the truth, so it is an ugly line I walk.  Even in this post, I am sure I have posted phrases and expressions that may be construed as hurtful, offensive, or arrogant. 

Sigh.  There are so many times that I want to just sit in my room, bottle up, and not leave...not talk...not email, so I don't hurt anyone else.  (I cannot tell you how hard it was to stay with people after accidentally killing my own son.  However, God had other ideas in mind for me, it would seem, and I could only do what He would have me do in a situation such as that. ) It is a constant battle.

So, to those of you who know me and run into this "wall,"  this wall of intensity, this wall of Mary's imperfect truth-seeking tactics, please understand and know my intention is not to hurt when that happens.  I try to stop as soon as I can see that the conversation is painful or offensive, but am not always good at that, such is my love for that elusive true-ness of speech that has so often been so delightfully discovered on the other side of that uncomfortable, ugly wall.

There it is: an imperfect look, using imperfect words, to look at an imperfect being...but a being that loves deeply, even those she may inadvertantly hurt in her pursuit of her most-beloved truth.

Just throw it away and use the Lord's scale

There is a very interesting part of "A River Runs Through It" that was recently brought to my attention:

Check it out (it's about 5 minutes in):

(If the video doesn't work, you should be able to click on the image to go to it on youtube.)

The dad just throws the paper away!!  I am the queen of saving every cute and adorable paper that has my children's scribbles on them..."look at what they have done!" 

In a recent article by Andrew Pudewa, "Process verses Product: What matters more?" he uses this example to address his point:

This short scene illustartates something we so easily forget: Teaching a skill is more about process, less about product.  Honestly, the essay of the moment is often not worth keeping; it merely represents another step on the pathway of mastery.

But as Americans we are easily obsessed with products.  We want to obtain the writing sample we can hang on the refrigerator or proudly place in a portfolio.  Beliveing that what a student produces is proof of what has been learned, we put great weight on "finishing" a "final copy" and hope that the porduct is "good enough" so "he'll be ready for college."...But what are we really doing, and what is our real goal?" (http://bluetoad.com/publication/?i=199029 page 6)                   

It reminds me of a quote in a recent article I read, that what we do with our knowledge is more important than how much knowledge we have.

We cling to the success of the moment, thinking it will win us worldy acknowledgement, give us that boost of self-esteem, or validate our existence and will us our eternal glory.

Here is another great article, titled "Truth, Lies, and Your Self-Worth" from lds. org that reinforces this, particularly the section titled: "Lie: Self-esteem comes from worldly success" and the following section:

Lie: Self-esteem comes from worldly success.
This lie is related to the one about comparing yourself to others. Who determines what success is? Everyone’s definition may be a little different. And when you base your self-worth on achievements, you’re only telling yourself that you’re as good as your latest achievement. That’s simply not true.
Truth: God’s view and expectations are what matter.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf has taught, “Disciples of Jesus Christ understand that compared to eternity, our existence in this mortal sphere is only ‘a small moment’ in space and time (D&C 121:7). They know that a person’s true value has little to do with what the world holds in high esteem. … The Lord uses a scale very different from the world’s to weigh the worth of a soul” (“You Matter to Him,” Ensign, Nov. 2011, 20, 22).

Once again, you can overcome this lie by following the Lord’s way and being more concerned about His definition of success than the world’s. If you can consistently feel the companionship of the Spirit in your life, then it means you’re living the way the Lord wants. And if you do feel like you’ve failed in the Lord’s eyes, remember that you can come back through repentance

Another great quote:

Some years ago Elder Dallin H. Oaks explained: “The Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts—what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become.”¹

 

When the load seems heavy to bear...

I woke up feeling pretty down, lonely, overwhelmed and discouraged.

Then, an amazing husband made me some delicious waffles with strawberries on top, and an inspired daughter suggested an amazing talk on the sacrament by Elder Holland:

On some days we will have cause to remember the unkind treatment he received, the rejection he experienced, and the injustice—oh, the injustice—he endured. When we, too, then face some of that in life, we can remember that Christ was also troubled on every side, but not distressed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed (see 2 Cor. 4:8–9).

When those difficult times come to us, we can remember that Jesus had to descend below all things before he could ascend above them, and that he suffered pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind that he might be filled with mercy and know how to succor his people in their infirmities (see D&C 88:6; Alma 7:11–12).

To those who stagger or stumble, he is there to steady and strengthen us. In the end he is there to save us, and for all this he gave his life. However dim our days may seem they have been darker for the Savior of the world.

In fact, in a resurrected, otherwise perfected body, our Lord of this sacrament table has chosen to retain for the benefit of his disciples the wounds in his hands and his feet and his side—signs, if you will, that painful things happen even to the pure and perfect. Signs, if you will, that pain in this world is not evidence that God doesn’t love you. It is the wounded Christ who is the captain of our soul—he who yet bears the scars of sacrifice, the lesions of love and humility and forgiveness.

Those wounds are what he invites young and old, then and now, to step forward and see and feel (see 3 Ne. 11:15; 3 Ne. 18:25). Then we remember with Isaiah that it was for each of us that our Master was “despised and rejected … ; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief” (Isa. 53:3).

 What a fantastic answer to a prayer.  My load is still there, but it feels lighter :).

When a child weeps...

He cried.

I held my baby in his arms and heard his cries, his pleas.  He wanted the warm milk in my body and I could not give it to him.  It was there, a silent reminder of what he yearned for, but I knew that I could not give it to him.

You see, I was diagnosed with an infection, cellulitis, and had to start some heavy antibiotics since I had not started my herbal regiment soon enough.  And those antibiotics would invariably be in that milk my baby was crying out for.

As I held my child in my arms, weeping, knowing that yet another tender point in my stage of motherhood had just been passed, I comforted him, rubbing his back, rocking to him, singing, trying to fill the ache of his need through my love.  You see, nursing is much more than simply giving nourishment...it can be a gentle, tender, and beautiful moment to bond with your child.

This morning, as I reflected on that experience, it reminded me of our relationship with our Heavenly Father.  So often we yearn and cry for that which we think we need, things that have brought us pleasure in the past but are no longer what is best for us:
--that new job with an increase in pay
--a perfect vacation
--a car without problems
--the quick sale of our house (hmmm...)
--healing from a disease
 I wonder if, in those moments, our Heavenly Father lovingly holds us as we weep, as I did my little one, tenderly embracing us and loving us...knowing what we want but knowing that to give it to us would actually do more harm than good...that it could, in fact, be deadly, whether deadly to our spirit or our body.

The love that our Father in Heaven has for us is incredible.  Oh, how His heart must ache to hear us cry so!  How deep His love must be to keep from us what is not best!  May I trust Him....

Integrity, painful but good!

I have been really looking at integrity this month.  It is the focus of our study this month, in conjunction with our general focus of society and the rules and laws that make it up...very relevant, wouldn't you say?  I mean, who doesn't want integrity as they deal with other people as well as from their government?

So, I have read a bunch of interesting articles and books to go with it that I would recommend:
-Pride and Prejudice
-Lord of the Flies (compare the two...an interesting look!)

-Personal integrity talk by Elder Worthlin
-Elder Anderson's talk about teaching with faith, hope, and charity

-"An Anatomy of Peace" by the Arbinger Institute (still working on it)

-Several of the selections on the link: https://www.lds.org/service/teaching-the-gospel/principles-and-methods-of-teaching?lang=eng

These articles and books have made me look at my government, my assumptions, my groups, and particular my teaching and my actions and how integrity plays a part in them.  It has been painful and powerful.

For instance, I had a conversation with a young man in our acting group.  He expressed his attitude that he doesn't enjoy things he is good at because they are boring.  So he only goes half way, figuratively speaking, to do them.  I told him that if we use our talents all the way, in a way that blesses and serves then often we find out that we are and become better than we think we were.  On the flip side, I know many people--one example in particular--where people have not used their talents (like in the parable!) and they end up losing it.  In the example I was thinking of, a woman of great talent, who used to sing in competitions as a youth.  However, as she has grown older, she has not shared it and has admitted to me that she has lost the gift.  So sad!

On the flip side, as a youth, I was only an average singer, but was inspired by my parents, my dad in particular, to sing in ward choirs and whenever I was asked to.  We sang weekly in church, at home, and on the road.  Over the years, as I have continued this tradition of music, I have noticed my voice steadily getting better, and, while it still can definitely improve, now my little Primary kids  say, "You should sing opera!" (Obviously, they have never heard a real opera singer :)!)

But the point is...I have been blessed as I have used my talent to serve.

Now, for the painful part.

We are singing a song in our choir.  One that reminds me of my dad's favorite songs (nothing personal, dad :)...), the ones that came out of the 60's and should have stayed there.  The ones with lots of gliss-y chords, old-fashioned combination of music and lyrics,...we all know which songs I am talking about :).  The ones the teenagers cringe to hear in Sacrament meeting...anyway.  Our choir director picked one (he actually reminds me a lot of my dad :), too!) and it is a doo-zy.  Quinn and I keep going, but the kids have dropped off.  I have not gone with the best heart or attitude.

As I sat slumped in my seat last week, going through the motions, the spirit whispered in my heart, "Are you singing your best to Me?"  I wasn't.  I was guilty as charged, hypocrite extraordinaire.  So I took a deep breath, raised my hand, and asked for help on the many parts that I hadn't applied myself to learning before.

And do you know what?  It felt good and as I sang, I felt my heart soften and feel joy as I sung.

***************

Another thing I have looked at is my methods in the classroom.  The link above about the classroom technique has really caused me to reflect on how I do things.  I am in a teaching position a lot...as a mom and as a mentor...and I talk way too much!  Anyway, like I said, things to work on!  Enjoy!

Stop it!

I just watched this powerful video about bullying and the harm done over phones and "sharing"...when we are "just being funny."

Oh, how precious we all are!

May our words and actions reflect that!

Pots, pies, and paradigms

Quinn and I had a great discussion with some people we knew about homeschooling last weekend. I loved talking with them, but sometimes wonder at the where God wants me to go...what He wants me to do. So many pots, so many pies…the influence is spreading and I feel such joy being God’s tool.  I just wish I were confident that I was enough of a mom at home.  I try to kiss the booboo’s, help encourage and expect peace and respect in the home, set an example, hug, kiss, and read enough.  Just yesterday, Lily told me, after I had tried to tickle a sword away from her at the Ferguson’s, “Mom, no one has tickled me for a long time.  It felt so good!”

Good thing to remember.

*********************

I had a slight paradime shift (even if I don’t know how to spell the silly word!)…oh wait!  Paradigm? Yep, that worked.  Anyway, it was as if I was getting a glimpse of Quinn…perhaps of him from his perspective.  The little boy inside that maybe sometimes feels like no one notices him, the man that his wife came back to “after everything else was taken care of,” the man known as “Mary’s husband” according to him. Funny, because I have always seen him as the confident leader, the man who didn’t need anything because he just is so confident and has it all together…but maybe he needs my love the way I desperately need his and just try not to demand it?  Maybe he is doing the same thing? 

 

I tried yesterday, after this “paradigm-shifting experience,” to treat him like the best friend that he is…the way that I would when we were engaged, “where is he?” “what is he doing?” “how can I show him I love him?”…you know, the way we do when we were first married.  It is funny how love can turn into a comfortable, “there” thing that just settles into a routine of it’s own, and, like all routines, requires less thought and emotional power to invest in and keep it going.  Love…what is it without emotion?  I guess it is something like they sing about in “Fiddler on the Roof,” which truly is still love, and I am grateful for that.   But don’t we all crave to be loved, admired, and sought out by at least one person?  What happens when the actions that accompany that love disappear…fade away…feel unimportant?

I do feel that love changes over time…and a degree of “comfortable-ness” is very, very desireable J.  However, the time and emotion we spend on routines become less…which is why we usually create routines, right, subconsciously or consciously?  But what happens when the deepest love of our life becomes routine?

It reminds me of an experience I had with my prayers a while back.  I started, and then mid-way started settling into my “routine” sayings as my mind wandered.  (This happens all too often.)  Realizing what was happening, I stopped myself.

I was hurting inside, and here I was at the threshold of the Master Physician of the Universe... babbling!  I started anew, and said, “Father, I am hurting.  I just want to feel you around me tonight.”

I knelt silently. The blanket of warmth that surrounded me was overpowering.  I felt Him.  I felt loved.  I felt safe.

But I had to focus on Him, focus on who He really was, not just a divine listening ear to my babblings, but my Father who had power to do something. 

What would happen if I really took time to focus on that person that has become part of the “routine” of my life?  Would he become more real, more powerful, too?

 

How to fix it?

I really blew it.

Sometimes I just ramble and say whatever comes to mind...and this time it really shot me in the foot.

I accidentally pocket-dialed someone and had the phone with me at the door of another person's house, and then said some things about the first person that didn't really reflect how I felt...something about how I didn't want to go to them because they might judge me too harshly.

Now, it wasn't the first person's problem that I was insecure and said those things.  However, the reality of what I had said, seemingly in the safe area away from them, hit home as I looked down at my phone and realized that, of all people, I had pocket-dialed that very person I said would judge me.

I don't know if this makes sense, but the reality of it is that I said something I didn't really mean, "filling up the silence" as I so often do with my ramblings, and said something that could hurt someone else. 

Shame on me.  I don't even know how to begin to fix it.  How do you say "sorry, I didn't really mean it.  I was just being self-conscious and blew it in my weakness."  It has made me really reflect upon why I would even say that. I made me realize how wrong I was, that the first person actually wouldn't have judged me...I just love them so much I don't want to disappoint them...and I turned that into a slight upon them.  Shame on me.

May I be more mindful of the power of my words.  For when it comes down to it, the words we say and even the thoughts and intents of our heart will be shouted from the mountain tops.  My control needs to start with my heart...and I need to teach it to love.

The Gems of Isaiah

I went to "Time out for Women" last weekend, and came away with some great scriptures (and some great memories with some great women :)...):

1 Cor 2:9 But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.

I have truly seen miracles in my life, and I am sure that I am very imperfect in showing my love...how merciful is the Lord!

Abraham 1: 2 And, finding there was greater ^ahappiness and peace and rest for me, I sought for the blessings of the fathers, and the right whereunto I should be ordained to administer the same; having been myself a follower of ^brighteousness, desiring also to be one who possessed great ^cknowledge, and to be a greater follower of righteousness, and to possess a greater knowledge, and to be a father of many ^dnations, a prince of peace, and ^edesiring to receive instructions, and to keep the commandments of God, I became a rightful heir, a ^fHigh Priest, holding the right belonging to the fathers.

What a beautiful example Abraham is!  The earnest yearnings of a heart that yield that happiness, peace, and rest!

Isaiah 1:16...cease to do evil;17 Learn to do well...

Wow...talk about a sermon in a nutshell!

Isaiah 52:2 Shake thyself from the dust; arise, and sit down, O Jerusalem: loose thyself from the bands of thy neck, O captive daughter of Zion.

What are we bound down by?  How are we captive?  In what ways must we choose to loose ourselves to be free?  John Hilton gave a great three step program to re-direct the energy we spend complaining into something productive and beautiful:
#1 Identify what it is that we are complaining about (pretty easy)
#2 Identify what we can do in the situation
#3 Do it and then let go of the rest (the hard part)

And when we do that, this is the promise:
Isaiah 61:3 ...to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

Isaiah 49:15 15 Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.
16 Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.

What a blessing to know how mindful he is of us...our "walls": challenges, set-backs, etc. Perhaps He is even more mindful of us during our times of trials than in our times of peace and tranquility.  I see it much as the increased awareness I have of my children when they are going through hard times.  I feel drawn to their pain, their distress, or their bad situations, and it tends to preoccupy me, often shutting out the other children who are calmly and peacefully going about their days.  "The squeaky wheel gets the grease," right?  It is also a blessing to know that in God's infinite capacity, He is with us during the peace and the pain.

Isaiah 43:1-3: 1 But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.
2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
3 For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel.

Ahhh...the gems of Isaiah.

Disciplining with an increase in love

Parenting can be so tricky.

You're supposed to love them and you're supposed to correct them.  It is a tricky balance.

Sometimes parenting happens this way: the parent, not wanting to say anything corrective (that's confrontational, right?) withdraws their love, hoping that the child will just "know" what is wrong and fix it, at which point the love is to be restored.

Unfortunately, the child often seems to be confused by this...they can feel that their parent is frustrated (withdrawn love is painfully obvious), but most likely they are uncertain exactly what it was that they did wrong that caused the withdrawal of that love.  Heaven knows we all know all sorts of things we do wrong--including the child--, but going through the head of that child is probably "which thing did I do wrong?" and, perhaps more tragic, "I guess when I do something wrong, then my parent will not love or approve of me."

Does God parent this way? Hmmmm....I wonder. Sure, He withdraws His spirit when we turn away from Him; but when we are sorry--even before we have fixed it--He seems to clearly outline in our conscience what was wrong, what we need to do to fix it, and that He is there for us and with us.  It is Satan that makes us feel like we are worthless and unworthy of love after making mistakes.  It is Christ who touched the leper, Christ who raised up the woman taken in adultery, Christ who said, "Neither do I condemn thee...Go and sin no more."

I used to parent with a lot more of this non-verbal condemnation than I do now.  It is hard to say, lovingly, "You didn't finish your work so you are grounded until you do," knowing that the child might blow up in your face or lash out in anger.  Sometimes it just feels easier to grumble and clean up after them and then treat them coldly..."until they learn," right?  I think we all fall victim to this at times...stepping back emotionally and shutting a child out.  But then the child struggles with self-love and approval and motivation to fix whatever may be wrong.  Maybe, they fear, their best imperfect self will never be enough?

Now, maybe there are times to withdraw ourselves emotionally in extreme cases...abusive or excessively violent situations.  I am sure that I don't claim to know what is best for everyone :).  More recently,  I have tried to lovingly administer specific consequences for specific behavioral problem situations, not doing the emotional or physical shunning I used to do to "reinforce" the incorrectness of their behavior.  I have found that it is at times of mistake or sinning that they need clear boundaries and consequences,...and support.

But I am still exploring (poor kids!), trying to figure out God-like parenting.  I would love to have anyone's ideas or input or personal experiences in this!

Morning walk with my family and friends

Okay....

After trying to prove I am "not a robot" 10 times (I mean really,...is there such a key as a backward "k"??), I needed to take a break.  :)  I have just spent the morning checking up on a few blogs of family and friends, and I feel fed. 

I love people, old and young.  I am amazed at the beauty they bring into my life.

One thing that came up in my "walk" this morning, was to live like each day was your last.  This has been very strongly on my mind lately, as different situations have worried me about the well-being of my loved ones...Papaya disappearing at church, Q-dawg not answering his phone all day, etc.  It is amazing how losing a loved one can really make you appreciate the good and the bad, realizing that, good or bad, each life experience we have with others is truly precious.

I love the following song:

Ahhhh..."sweet Time."  To snuggle with the littles, smile your heart out at them when you don't have the time to snuggle, to laugh where you could take offense, show physical affection to my husband and kids (even those porcupine-ish older ones :)!)...I find that these are the things I do when I am in this state of mind.
 
Thinking about that song also almost always leads me to the next song:

This song is a gift of perspective.  I mean, really...at the end of the day, to consider this moment really puts things where they should be.  Some things pass, some things, hurt, but, in the end, it is not what we have done so much as how what we have done has changed us...and how much we have tried to earnestly do God's will.  He knows our hearts.  He knows our intent, even when we are desperately imperfect.

I am grateful for my walk today, for my family and friends...for all of you who have touched my life with light and love.  My heroes in so many ways.  Love you!

My personal, spiritual Olympic trainer

We do something at our house called a "WAM" (since Q-dawg creates acronyms of everything): a "Weekly Accountability Meeting" where weekly (or monthly or bi-annually :)...) we get together with our older children one on one, look at their overall goals and encourage them to set weekly goals and commitments to achieve those goals.  We call it a "running partner" arrangement, as we are there for them to encourage and support them, not dictate what those goals should be.

Anyway, I am not so good and doing them consistently, but like with so many of those things that we try to do consistently (like Family Home Evening and scripture study), you've got to start somewhere and somehow, even the inconsistent ones are still effective. (And make you want to do more :)!)

Back to the WAM: I had one on Sunday with the Goob, and it was one of those magical ones.  I saw his mind open to the possibilities as he really started to grasp that what I do in our homeschooling is to help him fulfill his dreams...not just fill his life with busy-work and guilt :).  He planned some great goals, one of which I wanted to share.

We do a youth group called Vanguard, a group with the express mission to help youth (and everyone!) realize that they each have a God-given mission and as they seek for truth and to serve and really work at it, they will come to know what that mission is.  I believe they are missions that include strengths and passions that they have right now, coupled with interests, depth, and skills that they will develop through God-inspired education.  There is a weekly base of knowledge we ask them to study and then they are free to take it from there, internalize/study it out to create understanding, and then apply it to their lives to make it stick deeper...to create intelligence.

Well, we are studying having courage in the face of uncertainty this week, and for part of that are reading a section of C. S. Lewis's "The Last Battle."  The Goob really wants to be what he calls a "media-maker," so with his goals for preparation for Vanguard this week, I suggested he make a Lego-animation of something out of the Last Battle this week or an example in the life of someone who showed courage in the face of uncertainty.   He loved the idea!

Last night, before going to bed and after getting home from a wonderful Family Home Evening with our friends, the Tindalls (amazing family!!), the Goob came to me and said, "Mom, I didn't get to my movie today.  Will you tell me when it is 10? I'll be in the other room working on it."    10 came and went and, over 1500 pictures later, the Goob came into where Q-dawg and I were watching "Man of Steel" and showed us his film. 

That kid is amazing.  The things he can do with Legos, a video camera, and clay!  I will have to see if there is a way to post it, but I wanted to record this cool moment in our homeschooling.  If only all of our kids could own and realize a personalized education like this all the time!  The older ones are catching the idea and I am excited to see it spread on down the ranks :).  These kids are all unique for a reason and I hope that they (and everyone else I can get this to!) can realize that we are all born for a specific reason...that God enjoys and uses our unique strengths to change the world and make it better! 

It is an amazing feeling to be spirit-led in your education and see the benefits as you read "as much as you can" for this project, "just happen" to watch a certain clip,  a person "just happens" to mention something...and have them all come together, overlapping, to create an epiphany and be just what I need for a particular teaching moment or personal life lesson.  I am definitely not the pro at this, but am so grateful that, as I have sought truth and tried to be humble and open to it, the lessons I have learned have been personally life-changing and brought such joy.

This reminds me of an "ah-hah!" I had:

I have been slowly and steadily working my way through the Gospels of the Bible on the advice of a friend, who "just happened" to say that she had done the same, looking for ways that the Master Teacher, our Savior Jesus Christ, taught those around him.  It has taken me a long time for, in the middle of reading it, trying to methodically push myself through to "get it done," something I "just happened" to be reading suggested that slowly savoring and pondering was more effective than charging through to the end.

So as I was applying these two gems, I came across John 18:11 and have been slowly savoring a verse.  The Savior just emerged from the Garden of Gethsemane and is facing the mob.  Peter has just cut off the ear of the servant, whom we miraculously know the name of...Malchus. 

11: Then said Jesus unto Peter, Put up thy sword into the sheath: the cup which my Father hath given me, shall I not drink it?

 Shall I not drink what God has given me?  The life, blessings, and challenges that are uniquely mine?  It reminded me yesterday, as I was pondering, of an Olympic coach and athlete.  The coach doesn't coddle, doesn't pamper.  He pushes, he encourages, he demands...knowing that the athlete cannot truly find what his capacity is until he is pushed, encouraged, or demanded. 

We will never know the capacity of our incredible, godly and divine spiritual heritage that is present within each of us until we are stretched.  The Lord "chasteneth those he loveth," the scriptures say.  Our capacity, our greatness, our individual potential is beyond our imagination.  Our loving "Heavenly Coach" wants us to see it...and we can only see it as we are pushed, encouraged, and stretched to our current capacity...and then made to go just a little bit further.

Shall we drink our individual cups?  I am grateful I don't know what my full cup looks like yet.  I am sure I would say, as did the Savior, "let this cup pass."  But on the other side of that cup is everything our Father hath for us: eternal life, families being together forever, eternal peace and the amazing joy that I have only captured a glimpse of those precious times when I am truly an instrument in the Lord's hand.  There is nothing like it.  Week by week, day by day, hour by hour, if I can only seek to trust my personal spiritual Olympic trainer and put my education and life in His hands, I am sure I will have the most challenging, and yet the most rewarding life that I can personally experience.

The trial after the testimony

Have you ever born testimony about something, told someone that "this is what I believe and do!" or  made a verbal or written commitment to do something important...big or small?  And then have you felt like the floodgates of opposition open up to challenge that very thing you were commiting to do, testifying about, or reaffirming?

I have!  It has made me at times reconsider what I say in my testimony or to others :)!

Like the time I bore testimony about how important it is to be patient...and then the next several days I proved how impatient I really am :).  Or when I told my family I am going to the temple, only to have all Hades break loose the rest of the day as I prepare to go--making me doubt if I should or not.

At times like these, I have gone back and forth, wondering if perhaps I just didn't really believe what I said I believed or felt that maybe by saying something true and powerful out loud or recommitting to it, Satan works extra hard to challenge my statements.

Yesterday, in Sunday School we read in Moses 1, where Moses sees God face to face, is transformed in order to do so, and then falls to the earth after beholding God's majesty and glory.  Satan then comes and demands that Moses worship him.  Here's a quick look at what happens from the time God leaves Moses until that point:

10 And it came to pass that it was for the space of many hours before Moses did again receive his natural ^astrength like unto man; and he said unto himself: Now, for this cause I know that ^bman is ^cnothing, which thing I never had supposed.

 11 But now mine own eyes have ^abeheld God; but not my ^bnatural, but my ^cspiritual eyes, for my ^dnatural eyes could not have ^ebeheld; for I should have ^fwithered and ^gdied in his presence; but his ^hglory was upon me; and I beheld his ⁱface, for I was ^jtransfigured before him.

 12 And it came to pass that when Moses had said these words, behold, ^aSatan came ^btempting him, saying: Moses, son of man, worship me.

And here is Moses's reply:

 13 And it came to pass that Moses looked upon Satan and said: Who art thou? For behold, I am a ^ason of God, in the similitude of his Only Begotten; and where is thy ^bglory, that I should worship thee?

 14 For behold, I could not look upon God, except his ^aglory should come upon me, and I were transfigured before him. But I ^bcan look upon thee in the natural man. Is it not so, surely?

Moses has been in the presence of God and can tell the difference between God and Satan.  Powerful.

Now, bringing it all back to my earlier thoughts, it takes Moses 4 times of demanding that Satan go away!  4 times!  Moses was just in the presence of God, God could easily have dismissed Satan himself, but after this amazingly phenomenal experience, God leaves Moses to be tested and tried, for His own good purposes.

It reminded me of me, after I have that spiritual moment--that testimony "high" as it were-- when I see the hand of God, His truth and the power of it.  And then Satan comes.  And stays.  And stays some more.  God, I am sure, is nearby.  He has shown me His greatness, His truth, confirming it by the Holy Spirit of truth.  And then sometimes it feels like it was with Moses.  God takes a step back and says, "Now, do you believe it?  Feel for yourself the difference and make your own choice.  Will you listen to Satan, or remember and choose to follow what you learned from me?"

I believe we can all see the loving hand of God in our lives if we choose to look for it, and we too can ask "Where is thy glory, Satan, that we should worship thee?  What have you done for me that I should even listen to you?"

I think there are two ways to make these experiences more like the triumphant Moses one, and not my usual discouraged one:
#1-daily immerse ourselves in the spiritual...in a sense, coming into the presence of God.  When we can remind ourselves what it feels like to be with God, we will recognize more easily the presence of the adversary.
#2-recognize that the presence of adversity not always a sign of personal weakness, but is sometimes is rather an opportunity to really think about where we stand on that issue.  Do we believe God's truth only when it is easy to apply?  That would be like believing it is good to exercise and eat vegetables only when it is easy to do that...but surely it can't be true late at night when it is hard, right? :)

So I guess the adversity, the doubts, the obvious challenge to my affirmations of faith are not necessarily a sign of weakness, eh? And the hope that I get from the story of Moses is this:

 20 And it came to pass that Moses began to ^afear exceedingly; and as he began to fear, he saw the bitterness of ^bhell. Nevertheless, ^ccalling upon God, he received ^dstrength, (remember, he has already called on God 2 times) and he commanded, saying: Depart from me, Satan, for this one God only will I worship, which is the God of ^eglory.

 21 And now Satan began to tremble, and the earth shook; and Moses received strength, and called upon God (final time), saying: In the name of the Only Begotten, ^adepart hence, ^bSatan.

 22 And it came to pass that Satan cried with a loud voice, with weeping, and wailing, and ^agnashing of teeth; and he departed hence, even from the presence of Moses, that he beheld him not.

Don't give up.  Good will ultimately overcome.  God has never completely left us.  Sometimes He just steps aside to see what we will do, like a parent does with a child learning to walk, or a kid learning to swim for the first time.  At some point, the parent needs to step back so the child can see for themselves that they can do it!

24 And it came to pass that when Satan had departed from the presence of Moses, that Moses lifted up his eyes unto heaven, being filled with the ^aHoly Ghost, which beareth record of the Father and the Son;

 25 And calling upon the name of God, he beheld his ^aglory again, for it was upon him; and he heard a ^bvoice, saying: Blessed art thou, Moses, for I, the Almighty, have ^cchosen thee, and thou shalt be made stronger than many ^dwaters; for they shall obey thy ^ecommand as if thou wert ^fGod.

 26 And lo, I am ^awith thee, even unto the end of thy days;

God's glory will return. And we appreciate it all the more after the darkness and shadows of adversity.