Answer to my question about Pride: Gratitude?

It has been interesting that one of the ways God wants me to learn humility is to recognize where I am being proud.  Painful.  Ouch.  I mean really.

Problem: PRIDE
Relationships that I felt were great for years are taking on a new look as I see little ways that I have been belittling, judging, and feeling superior to people that are nearest and dearest to me...even without realizing what I was doing!

As I had my mind opened to this, I felt overwhelmed.  This kind of judgmental behavior is so deeply a part of my relationships with these dear people that I don't even recognize what I am doing most of the time!  I mean, sure, I recognize ways that they are better than I am, but I didn't realize how often I was subconsciously weighing and measuring what they were doing! It is really getting in the way of us feeling at peace with each other.

In my mind, I can recognize all kind of faults that I have.  However, I read an amazing article a few years ago that taught me that putting myself down is not humility!

Many Latter-day Saints know the Church is true but have unhealthy feelings about their own inadequacies, real or imagined. The scriptures inform us that we all have weaknesses and that there is a place for them in our spiritual progress: “If men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27).

Too often we wallow in our weaknesses so much that we do not allow “weak things” to “become strong.” Our condition is frequently misdiagnosed as humility, when in reality it is a lack of confidence.

What is the difference between the two?

To be humble is to recognize our utter dependence upon the Lord. We are conscious of our strengths, but we do not exalt ourselves and become prideful, for we know that all good things ultimately come from God. We are conscious of our weaknesses, but we know the Lord can use those very weaknesses to bless our lives and that through Him, as we learn from the book of Ether, our weaknesses can become strengths.

To lack confidence is to have feelings of low self-worth. We are preoccupied with our weaknesses, and we lack faith in the Lord’s ability to use those weaknesses for our good. We do not understand our inestimable worth in the eyes of God, nor do we appreciate our divine potential. Ironically, both pride and a lack of self-confidence cause us to focus excessively on ourselves and to deny the power of God in our lives.

Dr. Thomas Harris made the following wise observation on insecurity and confidence: “Most people never fulfill their human promise and potential because they remain perpetually helpless children overwhelmed by a sense of inferiority. The feeling of being okay does not imply that the person has risen above all his faults and emotional problems. It merely implies that he refuses to be paralyzed by them.”

So what was the answer?  I felt deeply the need to change, to be more humble, yet I feared to pray for it!  Have you ever heard the advice: "Don't pray for patience!" I agree!  I experienced the reason not to first hand, and learned that there is "no royal road" to gain patience.  You gain it by practicing it.  Painful, again.

I had to ask myself, am I ready to pray for humility?  Am I humble enough? (Ironic, eh?)

Solution: GRATITUDE?
 So I did it.  I got down on my knees, feeling wretched if I didn't, and humbled myself enough to ask God to help me.  And the answers came.  Swiftly.  Now, I will try and capture as many as I can here.

At Church yesterday, the speakers' topic was "gratitude."  One of her opening quotes was from Elder James E. Talmage, who said, “Gratitude is twin sister to humility; pride is a foe to both.”  Gratitude, eh?  I had already been practicing that with my journal of God's hand in my life, but I never realized that such a simple thing could be an antidote to such a  powerful thing as pride.

She went on to share the following quote:

Expressing gratitude brings us humility. In a world where we have been given so much and might be severely tempted to pride, gratitude stands as a barrier, for one cannot feel pride and gratitude at the same time.

 Could it really be that simple?  I can say thanks, right?

Here is a great talk from Thomas S. Monson about it:

My beloved friend President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “When you walk with gratitude, you do not walk with arrogance and conceit and egotism, you walk with a spirit of thanksgiving that is becoming to you and will bless your lives.” ³

In the book of Matthew in the Bible, we have another account of gratitude, this time as an expression from the Savior. As He traveled in the wilderness for three days, more than 4,000 people followed and traveled with Him. He took compassion on them, for they may not have eaten during the entire three days. His disciples, however, questioned, “Whence should we have so much bread in the wilderness, as to fill so great a multitude?” Like many of us, the disciples saw only what was lacking.

“And Jesus saith unto them, How many loaves have ye? And [the disciples] said, Seven, and a few little fishes.

“And [Jesus] commanded the multitude to sit down on the ground.

“And he took the seven loaves and the fishes, and gave thanks, and brake them, and gave to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude.”

Notice that the Savior gave thanks for what they had—and a miracle followed: “And they did all eat, and were filled: and they took up of the broken meat that was left seven baskets full.” ⁴

We have all experienced times when our focus is on what we lack rather than on our blessings. Said the Greek philosopher Epictetus, “He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.” ⁵

The speaker then gave us a challenge to make a list of 100 things I am grateful for and gave us a great way to do it:
-10 living people I am grateful for
-10 deceased people I am grateful for
-10 physical abilities I am grateful for
-10 material possessions I am grateful for
-10 things in nature I am grateful for
-10 things about today I am grateful for
-10 places on earth I am grateful for
-10 modern day inventions I am grateful for
-10 foods I am grateful for (easy, peasy!)
-10 things about the Gospel I am grateful for

I have written a list before of "The 100 things I am grateful for" so I am going to see how many I can list before the end of the month...and her categories give me a great start!  Any other categories I can look for?

Here are a few I thought of:
-10 things in my relationships with others I am grateful for
-10 things I have learned that I am grateful for
-10 songs I am grateful for

Please help me come up with some others!  Thanks!

Looking for God's hand

I had heard about Henry B. Eyring's experience with his journaling about God's hand over the years. I found an old journal on my shelf the other day, and felt inspired to start my own.  Now, whether on my "singing bees" blog or in there, I seek to record daily ways I have seen the hand of God.  I haven't missed a day, but it is amazing how freeing it is to know I can just write down one or two things and then crash.

This process has also been a calming and powerful influence to my soul.  It seems counter-intuitive, defies logic, and just genuinely baffling that something as simple as writing down a sentence or two can bring such peace, but I have found this true of most of God's ways:

 "8 ¶For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

 9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55

Excerpts from Elder Eyring: "When our children were very small, I started to write down a few things about what happened every day. Let me tell you how that got started. I came home late from a Church assignment. It was after dark. My father-in-law, who lived near us, surprised me as I walked toward the front door of my house. He was carrying a load of pipes over his shoulder, walking very fast and dressed in his work clothes. I knew that he had been building a system to pump water from a stream below us up to our property.

"He smiled, spoke softly, and then rushed past me into the darkness to go on with his work. I took a few steps toward the house, thinking of what he was doing for us, and just as I got to the door, I heard in my mind—not in my own voice—these words: “I’m not giving you these experiences for yourself. Write them down.”

"I went inside. I didn’t go to bed. Although I was tired, I took out some paper and began to write. And as I did, I understood the message I had heard in my mind. I was supposed to record for my children to read, someday in the future, how I had seen the hand of God blessing our family. Grandpa didn’t have to do what he was doing for us. He could have had someone else do it or not have done it at all. But he was serving us, his family, in the way covenant disciples of Jesus Christ always do. I knew that was true. And so I wrote it down, so that my children could have the memory someday when they would need it.

"I wrote down a few lines every day for years. I never missed a day no matter how tired I was or how early I would have to start the next day. Before I would write, I would ponder this question: “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?” As I kept at it, something began to happen. As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day. As that happened, and it happened often, I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done.

"More than gratitude began to grow in my heart. Testimony grew. I became ever more certain that our Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. I felt more gratitude for the softening and refining that come because of the Atonement of the Savior Jesus Christ. And I grew more confident that the Holy Ghost can bring all things to our remembrance—even things we did not notice or pay attention to when they happened.

"The years have gone by. My boys are grown men. And now and then one of them will surprise me by saying, “Dad, I was reading in my copy of the journal about when …” and then he will tell me about how reading of what happened long ago helped him notice something God had done in his day.

My point is to urge you to find ways to recognize and remember God’s kindness. It will build our testimonies. You may not keep a journal. You may not share whatever record you keep with those you love and serve. But you and they will be blessed as you remember what the Lord has done. You remember that song we sometimes sing: “Count your many blessings; name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.”

^{Here is a link to the full talk on LDS.org: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/o-remember-remember?lang=eng}

30 Day Humility Challenge!

I doing a Humility challenge! Our scholar youth group is focusing on Humility this month and my personal project is an in depth study and application of the concept of humility for the month.

Every day, I start off the day asking God what He wants me to do. I write it down. Then I try to do it.

For my scripture reading, I go to the topical guide of the scriptures and read at least one verse from the section on "humility." (Sometimes 1 verse is all I do, but it gives me heavenly food for thought .)

And then, at the end of the day--no matter what!--I write down at least two things about my day in the journal by my bedside, ideally focusing on seeing God's hand in my day. (Sometimes it is two things in one sentence .)

I have been doing this for a week now and it has been AMAZING: amazingly eye-opening, amazingly painful, and amazingly inspiring. While I have learned that I have a long way to go, I have also learned some new insights on how to get there.

I will be keeping track of this here, so feel free to join me in this challenge, comment or share your own feelings and insights here!

So I challenge you: find your own project for the month that has to do with humility that is personalized for you, and then do it!

(I wonder what the effect would be if people accepted this challenge like they accepted and spread the "ice-bucket challenge" :).)

It is amazing the "flecks of gold" I have already found in my life (that were already there!) by doing this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEfg-Z-TOc8

Where do you have membership?

Paying the price of membership
If you want to participate in a fitness club, you pay the price. 

If you want to participate as a citizen in a country, you pay the price.

If you want to participate as a member of a religion, you pay the price.

For each society, club, or organization that we "participate" in, we pay a price.  Each society has their contract, their terms.

I have thought about this concept a great deal while dealing with people over the past several years of homeschooling. I don't like to exact or demand a high cost to programs.  In an ideal world, people each offer what they have that is in abundance of their needs (not their wants) which in turn fills the needs of others who in turn fill the needs of yet others.  I have seen this work in smaller scales in homes and organizations and it is a beautiful, especially when offered, not coerced.  So I like to offer things that are inexpensive, but have clear expectations of membership.

When those expectations are clear, understood, and accepted, things run smoothly. Not perfectly.  Smoothly and synergistically, creating amazing results.

We each do the same thing as we participate in different organizations:
-we sign up for a gym membership, we agree to pay the fees and govern our actions to allow them to function well as a gym for all their participants

-in our families, the parents (and sometimes the children) establish what the expectations are in their family unit that allow them to enjoy full privileges in their society: you treat your sibling poorly, you will be asked to not participate; you don't do the work that is required to run your society, you don't get the privileges of participating in the fun activities that society provides; and etc :)

- in our churches, our religious leaders seek to teach us what God's expectations are, whatever our faith

-in our countries, we have an outline of laws we choose to abide by in order to enjoy full participation in that society...or we are limited--thrown in jail, subject to penalties and fines, etc.

-even in groups like on-line gaming or social clubs, there is an expectation that you must be "up to speed" with whatever is the "hot topic" or "recent upgrade" in order to be considered "a member." Many times we don't even realize we are trying hard to be parts of these clubs!

Again, when the expectations/rules in each society we participate in are clear, understood, and accepted, things run smoothly.  Not perfectly, but smoothly and synergistically, creating amazing results.  You may feel somewhat limited by the expectations or rules, but you choose to pay this price or obey these rules.

Sometimes I think we forget that our choice is which society to participate in, not necessarily which rules we will abide by within that society.  Sometimes, we expect "freedom" within a society from their rules, but still expect full membership and results of what that society offers.

Where do you have membership?

I was thinking about this scenario as I pondered something that I don't think we realize is happening.  We are all paying membership to different organizations, with different degrees of loyalty, and sometimes we don't even realize where our strongest loyalties lie.

In our public school systems, we teach our children to obey at all costs, generally.  There are a few parents that put law of the family or law of God above law of the school, but not very often.  You agree to abide in the political and social society that requires education, right?  And you want the A's and accreditation that follows with earning those A's.   I know.  I did it very well.  I went to Yale.

In this setting, we often de-emphasize the agency of the student to participate, because to be educated is one of the conditions of membership in our country, and the consequences are great, not only legally, but because we realize as parents that to be educated affects our childs future.  However, sometimes parents go so far as to actually tell a child that their worth is based upon social status, grades, or degree of obedience to the teachers and administrators.  We use whatever means we can, ofttimes, to coerce, cajole and compel.  We don't tell them: "We think it is a great idea to get an education!  The results are important, life-changing, and long lasting--I know this to be true!--but you can choose if you want to do it or not." Rather we pay a lot of time and homage to the god of public education, often forcing it when, as parents, we recognize that our participation in our particular society requires it.

Contrast this with our participation in our churches.  As a parent, I find myself emphasizng their agency over their obligation and the long-term potential.

"These are God's laws, but make sure you recognize you have your agency to choose to abide those laws. Love you no matter what!"

Of course, there is always agency.  Of course, we will love them (or should love them) no matter what.  However, once we have "signed-up" as members through baptism or whatever other ordinances our religions require, we are under certain obligations that are far more lasting and of greater eternal significance than those we are under as part of a nation.

But do we teach this?  Do we prioritize this?  Do we model this?

Where do our greater loyalties lie?

In our minds, perhaps we say our loyalties lie with God.  But what do our actions say?  In our daily priorities, loyalties, and actions, which price of membership do we pay first?

Our kids are watching. I think it is not wonder that youth often leave the churches of their childhood upon becoming adults, having been shown and told for years in actions and words that the gods of science and government trump the God of our faith.  We or others around us have modeled that the gods of the social groups and online communities have priority in our hours of worship over the God of our souls.

We pay the many prices of membership daily:
-time
-money
-obedience
-loyalty

...and our children are watching.  And learning.  And modeling.

If you want your children to bow to the altar of technology and modern science, the altar of governmental authority, policies, and curriculum, that is up to you.  Just make sure you are making that choice mindful that you are, in fact, actually making a choice of where your membership lies.

“For where your treasure is (or where you spend your treasure), there will your heart be also.”  Matthew 6:21

It is enough

So often, I run through my day like a chicken with it's head cut off, as if my frantic efforts to "do as much as possible" is going to somehow "save" me and my family.  Okay, maybe not "so often" but practically every day. It's sad.  I think I tell myself sometimes, subconsciously, at the end of the day: "Well, I may be worn out, but look at all I accomplished!"

I was struck by some things this morning as I was reading the account of Jesus washing his disciples' feet.  Please forgive my liberty with interpretting Peter's reactions, but they really hit home to me:

 1 Now before the feast of the passover, when Jesus knew that his hour was come that he should depart out of this world unto the Father, having loved his own which were in the world, he loved them unto the end.

 2 And supper being ended, the devil having now put into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, to betray him;

 3 Jesus knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he was come from God, and went to God;

 4 He riseth from supper, and laid aside his garments; and took a towel, and girded himself.

 5 After that he poureth water into a basin, and began to wash the disciples’ feet, and to wipe them with the towel wherewith he was girded.

 6 Then cometh he to Simon Peter: and Peter saith unto him, Lord, dost thou wash my feet?

Peter is confused...why is his Lord and Master washing his very own, dirty feet?

 7 Jesus answered and said unto him, What I do thou knowest not now; but thou shalt know hereafter.

"Trust me, Peter."

 8 Peter saith unto him, Thou shalt never wash my feet...

"No!  You may be the Son of God, but I know best!"

...Jesus answered him, If I wash thee not, thou hast no part with me.

 9 Simon Peter saith unto him, Lord, not my feet only, but also my hands and my head.

"Well, in that case, please wash all of me, because if washing my feet does that, surely to wash my whole body is better..."

 10 Jesus saith to him, He that is washed needeth not save to wash his feet, but is clean every whit: and ye are clean, but not all.

 11 For he knew who should betray him; therefore said he, Ye are not all clean.

 12 So after he had washed their feet, and had taken his garments, and was set down again, he said unto them, Know ye what I have done to you?

 13 Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am.

 14 If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another’s feet.

"Trust me, to just do what I said and what I tell you to do is enough to save souls...including your own."

 15 For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you.

 16 Verily, verily, I say unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord; neither he that is sent greater than he that sent him.

 17 If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them.

Can I simply trust that the things the Lord is telling me to do--not the world, not the example of my amazing neighbors and friends, but the Lord--is enough to save myself and my family?   He even promises us happiness in the meanwhile!  I will try to listen to that still small voice, read my scriptures and pray, and then try to be content that what I do with that is enough and be happy.  Unfortunately, it is far to easy to become addicted to hollow accomplishments and busy-ness and feel disappointement and failure when we don't "do it all."

Alma 37:6 "By small and simple means shall great things come to pass..."