Humility checks...ouch

It is awesome and scary how efficient the Lord is in teaching us what we ask to be taught :).  It is also reassuring and comforting knowing how much He loves us as He tenderly teaches us what we need to know.


Serve with humility...but are they deserving?
Lately, I have had the opportunity to learn a little better what it means to humbly serve.  It doesn't mean to idly sit back and let others take advantage of you...

...nor does it mean to serve only those who can serve you back.

There have been two specific situations that have come up in the past week where my sense of justice has been wronged.  In both these situations, people seem to be taking advantage of me and I started thinking about "policies" or actions to put in place to keep them from continuing to to so.  In fact, as I discussed them with my dear husband, Quinn, I could feel the "crave justice!" part of me rise up to justify the actions I wanted to put into place.

But it felt wrong.  So I reached more deeply to justify and validate :).

Quinn thoughtfully listened to my side and then quietly asked, "Do you want justice or do you want the relationship?  Maybe this is a good opportunity to serve them."

But what about justice?! I insisted, sure that I had justice on my side.  And maybe I did.  I went to bed after discussing this with Quinn unsure and unresolved.

The next morning, in my scripture reading, I read in a place that I cannot seem to find something about "don't just serve the people who can serve you back, for you have your reward of them...serve those who cannot serve you back and you are serving God"...or something like that. (I just can't seem to find it!  Should have written it down like the Spirit prompted me to :S.)

As I was trying to find that scripture, I did find Colossians 3:23-24 which reads: 

 23And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;

 24 Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.

It was a strong answer to my self-justification to serve them that cannot serve you back.  It is a duty and a blessing and it is better than my momentarily perceived "just" route.

Trust where you have not trusted before
The next lesson came with regards to my health.  This is the time of year where I just plan on suffering with allergies.  There is something in cold & cough medicines that cause severe hives in my body, with reactions that got steadily worse.  Needless to say, I avoid anything resembling that variety of medicine, limiting my resources.

I also really like natural healing and essential oils methods, feeling that by using these resources, I open up my resources and I don't build up resistance to the "less" natural methods of modern medicine--saving their potency for if and when I truly need them.  So when it came time to "enjoy" allergy season again, I have been dutifully applying natural oils and trying other ways to combat the discomforts of allergies.

Well, over the past several days, my usual "sinus" problems travelled unexpectedly to my lungs.  My asthma became horrific and I started having other symptoms as well.  To be brief, it was to the point where I had rapid shallow breathing and just couldn't sleep.  I was weak and achy and basically incapacitated...definitely not my typical allergic asthmatic reaction.  Not wanting to deal with pneumonia, I figures it must be time to go to the doctor!

During my visit, he addressed the obvious problem of my asthma with inhalers, but also gave me a steroid with the words, "If it were me, I would buy the steroid now, because I suspect there is more going on than just asthma.  The steroid takes a few days to work, so I would get it going now."  He gave me the prescription, sent in a prescription for an inhaler, sent me home with another inhaler and wished me luck.

Well, the choice was before me.  Do I follow the counsel of the doctor or follow my usual pattern of avoiding the possibility of "over-doing" medicine and minimally applying it?  My gut said "wait to see if the inhaler works."  The Spirit gently whispered, "be humble and trust the doctor."  I chose the first :).

Needless to say, my asthma went away wonderfully that afternoon and my gut felt justified.  (Ware justification, apparently.)  I went to bed, happy with my choice.

In the middle of the night (just about an hour ago, to be precise), I woke up feeling the fluid in my lungs and overcome with mucus-laden coughing--yummy, eh?   Maybe that steroid would have been a good idea.

Another interesting lesson that came of this: when I was feeling particularly incapacitated, I felt prompted to call my visiting teachers to ask if they could come and help me with a meal or something.  "Later," I told myself.  As I lay in bed and listened to the youth that were gathered in our home for our Vanguard scholastic youth group, I heard several times, "sometimes we need to be humble enough to serve others and humble enough to ask for and receive service."  The thought about my visiting teachers came to mind again.

As I got caught up with the doctor visit and the joy of feeling better asthmatically following his treatment, I put the visiting teacher idea on hold.  My friends who was here at the house for the youth group joyfully and quietly served by cleaning up my messy kitchen before leaving.  And one of them must have called my visiting teachers, because later that day, we received a call from one of them saying, "We heard Mary was having a hard time health-wise so we will be bringing dinner in tomorrow night."

Of course, that was when I was feeling better and almost felt guilty accepting, knowing that I was going to try and go to the zoo with my little ones the next day, since I was feelings so great. :)

Well, apparently the Lord knew what was to come and made plans.  My job was to humble accept them and rejoice in the goodness of my friends and visiting teachers...

...and humbly accept the counsel of my doctor, right?

Following the Prophet: justify and delay or act?
So by now I should have learned my lesson, right?  Several of them, to be sure, even if I have shared only a few :).  So here is where the lesson is hopefully learned and my opportunity to exercise faith begins:

The most recent First Presidency message is from our prophet, Thomas S. Monson, and it is titled "Are We Prepared?" (click on the title to get the link)  I feel like this article is Noah preaching to the people before the flood, or the prophet Lehi joining with so many other prophets in Jerusalem exhorting the people to repent, and then fleeing Jerusalem in the face of disaster to come.  His words:

We should remember that the best storehouse system would be for every family in the Church to have a supply of food, clothing, and, where possible, other necessities of life. The Lord’s storehouse includes the time, talents, skills, compassion, consecrated material, and financial means of faithful Church members. These resources are available to the bishop in assisting those in need.

We urge all Latter-day Saints to be prudent in their planning, to be conservative in their living, and to avoid excessive or unnecessary debt. Many more people could ride out the storm-tossed waves in their economic lives if they had a supply of food and clothing and were debt-free. Today we find that many have followed this counsel in reverse: they have a supply of debt and are food-free.

Wow.  Pretty to the point.  He goes on:

I repeat what the First Presidency declared a few years ago (uh-oh...so this is at least the second time in recent years!):

“Latter-day Saints have been counseled for many years to prepare for adversity by having a little money set aside. Doing so adds immeasurably to security and well-being. Every family has a responsibility to provide for its own needs to the extent possible.

“We encourage you wherever you may live in the world to prepare for adversity by looking to the condition of your finances. We urge you to be modest in your expenditures; discipline yourselves in your purchases to avoid debt. Pay off debt as quickly as you can, and free yourselves from this bondage. Save a little money regularly to gradually build a financial reserve.”¹

So...a supply of food, clothing and other necessities of life, eh?  Maybe I shouldn't take that recent batch of clothes to the DI and store them instead, despite the protest of my logical self?  Just one of a few things that come to mind when reading this admonition from our prophet.  His final words have the ring of prophetic warning:

We live in turbulent times. Often the future is unknown; therefore, it behooves us to prepare for uncertainties. (My thought...except, to God the future is known and He revealeth His word unto His prophets...) When the time for decision arrives, the time for preparation is past. 

Have I learned my lessons?  Do I sense a pattern here?

In the Guide to the Scriptures on lds.org it defines "humility" this way: To make meek and teachable, or the condition of being meek and teachable. Humility includes recognizing our dependence upon God and desiring to submit to his will. 

What is His will?  Apparently there are many ways it has been made manifest in my life lately.  I guess it is just up to me to look for it, learn the lessons, and act in faith.

Time to walk that road less traveled.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

--Robert Frost, "The Road Not Taken"

Revenge or humility?

Does humility mean we let people laugh at us?

This thought went through my mind as I listened to the person next to me at the Driver's License Division mockingly snicker after I asked Kel how to add someone to my contact's list.  She leaned over to her companion and they both joined in a chuckle.

I thought, "Maybe they aren't laughing at me," and shrugged it off.

However, moments later, when I did something else, the same derisive chuckling erupted and they whispered to each other, laughing again.  Hmmmm...maybe it was my pathetic appearance: toilet paper roll for tissues for my never-ending stream of allergies, swollen eyes, and home-body clothes.  Maybe it was one of those things...or maybe it was them.

I thought on this as I watched them approach the counter when their number was called.  I wondered if they live in fear that other might laugh at them due to small things that they do, just as they had done to me.  It made me reflect on where I was at and why, helping my son despite my allergic condition, doing what I could do to be the mother I needed to be...doing the right thing.

No, the problem wasn't mine, but the hurt could have been.  As I thought about humility and this incident, I was reminded of the people of Ammon in the Book of Mormon, the Anti-Nephi-Lehis who bowed in the face of not just persecution but death at the hands of their fellow human beings.  While calmly not responding to the derision of another is not the same as submitting my life to death, it was good practice to submit to God's will and let His justice act...if action was needed.

I am so quick to anger, so quick to frustration, so quick to resentment and bitterness.  This small incidence was a great opportunity to feel the "blade of mockery" slide past, as, for once, I humbly sought God's will instead of the fiery, fight-back ways of the natural man.  For once, I think I caught a glimpse of truly what my husband means when he says, "what other say or do to you just doesn't matter, sweetie."

It can be true, with humility. I am glad that humility is a gift I can ask for and it won't just come if I am good enough for it, because that just might never happen :).

Answer to my question about Pride: Gratitude?

It has been interesting that one of the ways God wants me to learn humility is to recognize where I am being proud.  Painful.  Ouch.  I mean really.

Problem: PRIDE
Relationships that I felt were great for years are taking on a new look as I see little ways that I have been belittling, judging, and feeling superior to people that are nearest and dearest to me...even without realizing what I was doing!

As I had my mind opened to this, I felt overwhelmed.  This kind of judgmental behavior is so deeply a part of my relationships with these dear people that I don't even recognize what I am doing most of the time!  I mean, sure, I recognize ways that they are better than I am, but I didn't realize how often I was subconsciously weighing and measuring what they were doing! It is really getting in the way of us feeling at peace with each other.

In my mind, I can recognize all kind of faults that I have.  However, I read an amazing article a few years ago that taught me that putting myself down is not humility!

Many Latter-day Saints know the Church is true but have unhealthy feelings about their own inadequacies, real or imagined. The scriptures inform us that we all have weaknesses and that there is a place for them in our spiritual progress: “If men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27).

Too often we wallow in our weaknesses so much that we do not allow “weak things” to “become strong.” Our condition is frequently misdiagnosed as humility, when in reality it is a lack of confidence.

What is the difference between the two?

To be humble is to recognize our utter dependence upon the Lord. We are conscious of our strengths, but we do not exalt ourselves and become prideful, for we know that all good things ultimately come from God. We are conscious of our weaknesses, but we know the Lord can use those very weaknesses to bless our lives and that through Him, as we learn from the book of Ether, our weaknesses can become strengths.

To lack confidence is to have feelings of low self-worth. We are preoccupied with our weaknesses, and we lack faith in the Lord’s ability to use those weaknesses for our good. We do not understand our inestimable worth in the eyes of God, nor do we appreciate our divine potential. Ironically, both pride and a lack of self-confidence cause us to focus excessively on ourselves and to deny the power of God in our lives.

Dr. Thomas Harris made the following wise observation on insecurity and confidence: “Most people never fulfill their human promise and potential because they remain perpetually helpless children overwhelmed by a sense of inferiority. The feeling of being okay does not imply that the person has risen above all his faults and emotional problems. It merely implies that he refuses to be paralyzed by them.”

So what was the answer?  I felt deeply the need to change, to be more humble, yet I feared to pray for it!  Have you ever heard the advice: "Don't pray for patience!" I agree!  I experienced the reason not to first hand, and learned that there is "no royal road" to gain patience.  You gain it by practicing it.  Painful, again.

I had to ask myself, am I ready to pray for humility?  Am I humble enough? (Ironic, eh?)

Solution: GRATITUDE?
 So I did it.  I got down on my knees, feeling wretched if I didn't, and humbled myself enough to ask God to help me.  And the answers came.  Swiftly.  Now, I will try and capture as many as I can here.

At Church yesterday, the speakers' topic was "gratitude."  One of her opening quotes was from Elder James E. Talmage, who said, “Gratitude is twin sister to humility; pride is a foe to both.”  Gratitude, eh?  I had already been practicing that with my journal of God's hand in my life, but I never realized that such a simple thing could be an antidote to such a  powerful thing as pride.

She went on to share the following quote:

Expressing gratitude brings us humility. In a world where we have been given so much and might be severely tempted to pride, gratitude stands as a barrier, for one cannot feel pride and gratitude at the same time.

 Could it really be that simple?  I can say thanks, right?

Here is a great talk from Thomas S. Monson about it:

My beloved friend President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “When you walk with gratitude, you do not walk with arrogance and conceit and egotism, you walk with a spirit of thanksgiving that is becoming to you and will bless your lives.” ³

In the book of Matthew in the Bible, we have another account of gratitude, this time as an expression from the Savior. As He traveled in the wilderness for three days, more than 4,000 people followed and traveled with Him. He took compassion on them, for they may not have eaten during the entire three days. His disciples, however, questioned, “Whence should we have so much bread in the wilderness, as to fill so great a multitude?” Like many of us, the disciples saw only what was lacking.

“And Jesus saith unto them, How many loaves have ye? And [the disciples] said, Seven, and a few little fishes.

“And [Jesus] commanded the multitude to sit down on the ground.

“And he took the seven loaves and the fishes, and gave thanks, and brake them, and gave to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude.”

Notice that the Savior gave thanks for what they had—and a miracle followed: “And they did all eat, and were filled: and they took up of the broken meat that was left seven baskets full.” ⁴

We have all experienced times when our focus is on what we lack rather than on our blessings. Said the Greek philosopher Epictetus, “He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.” ⁵

The speaker then gave us a challenge to make a list of 100 things I am grateful for and gave us a great way to do it:
-10 living people I am grateful for
-10 deceased people I am grateful for
-10 physical abilities I am grateful for
-10 material possessions I am grateful for
-10 things in nature I am grateful for
-10 things about today I am grateful for
-10 places on earth I am grateful for
-10 modern day inventions I am grateful for
-10 foods I am grateful for (easy, peasy!)
-10 things about the Gospel I am grateful for

I have written a list before of "The 100 things I am grateful for" so I am going to see how many I can list before the end of the month...and her categories give me a great start!  Any other categories I can look for?

Here are a few I thought of:
-10 things in my relationships with others I am grateful for
-10 things I have learned that I am grateful for
-10 songs I am grateful for

Please help me come up with some others!  Thanks!

Looking for God's hand

I had heard about Henry B. Eyring's experience with his journaling about God's hand over the years. I found an old journal on my shelf the other day, and felt inspired to start my own.  Now, whether on my "singing bees" blog or in there, I seek to record daily ways I have seen the hand of God.  I haven't missed a day, but it is amazing how freeing it is to know I can just write down one or two things and then crash.

This process has also been a calming and powerful influence to my soul.  It seems counter-intuitive, defies logic, and just genuinely baffling that something as simple as writing down a sentence or two can bring such peace, but I have found this true of most of God's ways:

 "8 ¶For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

 9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55

Excerpts from Elder Eyring: "When our children were very small, I started to write down a few things about what happened every day. Let me tell you how that got started. I came home late from a Church assignment. It was after dark. My father-in-law, who lived near us, surprised me as I walked toward the front door of my house. He was carrying a load of pipes over his shoulder, walking very fast and dressed in his work clothes. I knew that he had been building a system to pump water from a stream below us up to our property.

"He smiled, spoke softly, and then rushed past me into the darkness to go on with his work. I took a few steps toward the house, thinking of what he was doing for us, and just as I got to the door, I heard in my mind—not in my own voice—these words: “I’m not giving you these experiences for yourself. Write them down.”

"I went inside. I didn’t go to bed. Although I was tired, I took out some paper and began to write. And as I did, I understood the message I had heard in my mind. I was supposed to record for my children to read, someday in the future, how I had seen the hand of God blessing our family. Grandpa didn’t have to do what he was doing for us. He could have had someone else do it or not have done it at all. But he was serving us, his family, in the way covenant disciples of Jesus Christ always do. I knew that was true. And so I wrote it down, so that my children could have the memory someday when they would need it.

"I wrote down a few lines every day for years. I never missed a day no matter how tired I was or how early I would have to start the next day. Before I would write, I would ponder this question: “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?” As I kept at it, something began to happen. As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day. As that happened, and it happened often, I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done.

"More than gratitude began to grow in my heart. Testimony grew. I became ever more certain that our Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. I felt more gratitude for the softening and refining that come because of the Atonement of the Savior Jesus Christ. And I grew more confident that the Holy Ghost can bring all things to our remembrance—even things we did not notice or pay attention to when they happened.

"The years have gone by. My boys are grown men. And now and then one of them will surprise me by saying, “Dad, I was reading in my copy of the journal about when …” and then he will tell me about how reading of what happened long ago helped him notice something God had done in his day.

My point is to urge you to find ways to recognize and remember God’s kindness. It will build our testimonies. You may not keep a journal. You may not share whatever record you keep with those you love and serve. But you and they will be blessed as you remember what the Lord has done. You remember that song we sometimes sing: “Count your many blessings; name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.”

^{Here is a link to the full talk on LDS.org: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/o-remember-remember?lang=eng}

30 Day Humility Challenge!

I doing a Humility challenge! Our scholar youth group is focusing on Humility this month and my personal project is an in depth study and application of the concept of humility for the month.

Every day, I start off the day asking God what He wants me to do. I write it down. Then I try to do it.

For my scripture reading, I go to the topical guide of the scriptures and read at least one verse from the section on "humility." (Sometimes 1 verse is all I do, but it gives me heavenly food for thought .)

And then, at the end of the day--no matter what!--I write down at least two things about my day in the journal by my bedside, ideally focusing on seeing God's hand in my day. (Sometimes it is two things in one sentence .)

I have been doing this for a week now and it has been AMAZING: amazingly eye-opening, amazingly painful, and amazingly inspiring. While I have learned that I have a long way to go, I have also learned some new insights on how to get there.

I will be keeping track of this here, so feel free to join me in this challenge, comment or share your own feelings and insights here!

So I challenge you: find your own project for the month that has to do with humility that is personalized for you, and then do it!

(I wonder what the effect would be if people accepted this challenge like they accepted and spread the "ice-bucket challenge" :).)

It is amazing the "flecks of gold" I have already found in my life (that were already there!) by doing this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEfg-Z-TOc8