"God will care for His robins"

This morning I realized that one of my deepest fears is that I am going to do "__________" wrong.

Fill in the blank.  Anything.  Everything.  Parenting.

I am afraid that I am going to mess "________" up so "___________" will fail.

Children.  Friendships.  Family.  The house.  My mission.

This has governed so many of my actions and attitudes over the years.  I have had people tell me how fake I am and it has hurt because I know that my love for them is genuine and deep and perhaps in my fear of losing them, my fear of driving them away perhaps they have sensed my desperation and wondered if what I was, who I was...was me.  

Good question.  But who am I?  If I am someone who loves and makes mistakes and is striving to be what God wants me to be...and loves people...is that not also a person?  Can that not also be who I am?

I see people around me whom I love so deeply, within my family and without, and I don't know how to show that love enough and perhaps seem a little desperate in my imperfect way of showing love.  While my time is limited (a HUGE part of the problem), my desire to let people know I love them is strong--sometimes perhaps over-eager?  Maybe sometimes I am just so afraid that I will mess up our relationship that I will never be able to adequately show them how much I love them?  When I am surrounded by people that I love it is as if I have gone into ADHD mode and at times it is hard to focus on one person for fear that another one is being left out, excluded and hurt.

How does God do it?

That is perhaps not quite the right question.

Perhaps the right question is, "Do I know that God can do it?"  

Do I know that God can fill the ones around me that I love so deeply and so intensely?  Do I know that God can help them know that I love them, despite my limited time and resources?  Do I know that it is not my love that will save them or make things better, but His?

I heard a testimony yesterday that really answered the question of my heart lately: Which part is mine? And which part is Yours?

A man was watching a nest of robins, where the eggs had just hatched and the mother and father robin were busily flying to and fro to provide for the four eager hatchlings.  As he watched them, he was filled with a desire to help ease the burden of the bird parents and was determined to go and purchase some worms from a local fisherman.

As he moved forward with his well-meaning determination to help, the Spirit gently whispered, "Am I not able to care for My birds?  Is not every feather of the sparrow known to Me?  I can care for these robins.  You take care of your spiritual growth.  Feed your spirit. I will feed the robins."

There are many "robins" in my life.  I know that my children are some of them, some of God's precious creatures. The Spirit has been whispering for some time to step back, take a deep breath and trust.  Be still.  Be silent. I know there is a time for action and a time for stillness.  I need to trust that God will let those around me know that I love them, as I try to love them as I am able and then *take a deep breath, Mary!* I must stand still and trust. 

 17 Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us ^acheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the ^csalvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.  (D&C 123:17)

Which part is mine?

I am in one of my emotional funks. I can feel my sensitivity clawing at me with every tiny little thing that goes wrong.  Fortunately, I can recognize it so hopefully I will give myself (and others!) a little more space.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a mother.  More specifically, the mother of 11.  What do they need?  What is my part? There is no possible way I can meet all their needs.  It has been occurring to me more and more lately: I am not supposed to.  

My dilemma reminds me of a song I listened to as a young mother...and often wept to:

Driving myself too much over the years, I am pulling back and reflecting now that my older ones are leaving our home and going out into the world. And the children of others.  My nephew.  Friends' children.

They are amazing and capable people, no more full of errors than I am now, and each voyaging out to see and act and learn even more.  My Tova wrote a letter to me to open after she left. It was a beautiful letter and in it she said, "Thank you for stepping back this year and letting me fail."

This coincides with my musing about agency, the necessity for choice, when do we step in as parents to effect change and when do we pull back?

I think that it is different for every child and for different seasons.  Should that be overwhelming?  No.  Perhaps it should be reassuring.  Reassuring in that our children will look different, act differently and need different levels of parenting.

Could we trust them and their agency to come to us when they need us and then watch them, like new little walkers, try out their legs, stumble fall and pick themselves up?

Environment.
Support.
Love.
Respect.
Personal example.

These are things that whisper are important for me to focus on:

Teaching them to work.
Teaching them accountability and responsibility.
Teaching morality, including integrity.
Teaching them eternal principles.
Exposing them to greatness.
Provide opportunities for growth and learning.

I read an article recently from our prophet, Thomas S. Monson, where he said,

The basic goal of teaching is to help the sons and daughters of Heavenly Father return to His presence and enjoy eternal life with Him. To do this, gospel teaching must encourage them along the path of daily discipleship and sacred covenants. The aim is to inspire individuals to think about, feel about, and then do something about living gospel principles. The objective is to develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and to become converted to His gospel.

Teaching which blesses and converts and saves is teaching which emulates the Savior’s example. Teachers who emulate the Savior’s example love and serve those they teach. They inspire their listeners with eternal lessons of divine truth. They live lives worth emulating. (Ensign, Mar. 2016)

I kept reading through this quote, trying to discern how much of this applied to the curriculum I should teach my children.  Yes, it refers to "gospel teaching" but the basic goal is to help them return to His presence and enjoy eternal life.

As I have mused about this, I have realized that every person I have ever known, heard about, or studied about who had a connection with God, a true, humble connection, was motivated to learn and improve...and did so, in fact, at a miraculous pace and in ways wondrously suited to their individual situation and missions.



Back to what is enough,...what is required...I realized that I am going back to my "people-pleasing," "what is the minimum requirement for success,""checklist" mentality which doesn't really have a place in the teaching the prophet is talking about, the true teaching God wants.  He wants me to lead my children to Him...let them learn. Let them fall.  Let them try out their own muscles: physical and mental and spiritual.

There are definitely inspired boundaries and requirements to gain specific blessings I desire for my home:

Doctrine and Covenants 109:8

8 Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing, and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God;

But, I feel that I need to step back a bit and watch my flowers grow in their education.
 And then I will just weep when they leave...

Taking Action

"So I'm reading this  _________ book..." My family always starts grinning when I start a sentence with that comment.  Recently, it has gone from "Amish" to "Gifts of Imperfection" and today it was "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell.  I have been "reading" the last two over the past several months.  It is about the journey not finishing, right?

So I'm reading this book called 'Blink'...

...and it is very thought-provoking. I have subtitled it "A Book about Taking Action."  Wrote it on the cover, in fact. (It is my book :).)

After reading as much as I have of it, I believe that there are three arenas that we can live our life in:
--preparation: routine, systematic learning, pattern developing
--decision: looking at a particular situation and deciding what to do
--action: moving forward with a plan of action
I am sure there are others...this book just made me think of these arena of activity.

Gladwell suggests that improv actors and generals (people who need to make quick action decisions) are better when they have spent a lot of time in the preparation phase and don't linger too long in "decision" mode.  In fact, taking too long to make a decision in a particular situation can kill a scene or an army.

Or my day.

I do a lot of time in prep but find myself wandering for long periods of time in the realm of indecision:

--"good, better, or best?"
--"will it be enough?"

What I like about this book is that he says that we need to trust our gut more often.  Make the decision.  Move forward.  Moments pass.  Opportunities are wasted.

Different situations require different amounts of time in the areas of decision and action.  I think we can all feel when we are lingering too long in the realm of decision-making in a particular instance, afraid or unsure of what is the next step to take.

Just a thought: so many times God blesses us with vision and purpose when we take that step into the darkness.  Just step.  Maybe it is in the hours of spiritual preparation we spend at church or in religious study and mediation that make us better able to take that trusting step of action? ...when we let ourselves take it, that is.

This book has just made me think about where I spend the most time.  I could spend a lot more time in "preparation" phase, enjoying the learning process, anticipating "decision" not with dread but trust, and then courageously taking "action" even when "decision" and "preparation" feels safer.

I have personally had some things come to mind while writing this, areas in my life where I linger in deliberation and decision.  The Spirit whispers that God has amply prepared me.  I need to just act.

Just hug.
Just visit.
Just trust that my action is enough.
Just speak.
Just do.

Then smile and move forward with preparation and study for the next moment of action.

Lessons From A Lame Jogging Day

As I was running the other day...
Wait.

As I was jogging the other day...
Okay, honesty.

As I labored along at a little more than a fast walk, I determined to keep going.  The previous week I had kept up jogging-like pace for most of a 5 K route.  However, on this particular day I was struggling to even finish a 2 mile route. But hey!!! I was there doing it, right?!
As I lumbered along, I pondered: Why is it so hard some days and so much easier others?

Isn't this so true with life?

Some days, I fly through: lots of energy, enthusiasm and joy!
Some days...I struggle just to plod.

I think the trick is to just keep exercising, whether it is easy or hard and just be happy that I am there.  I think the trick is to just keep being a mom, being a wife, being a friend, being a teacher whether it is easy or hard and just be happy that I am there.

Not all days are the same and that's okay.

I'm there. I'm doing it. I'm okay.