Charity and hatred...a daily choice

More from Lewis...this time on "charity":

"Do not waste time bothering whether you 'love' your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him."  

(And I believe Lewis is referring to REALLY acting as if you love someone; not doing it to make yourself look better or to jump through some hoop. It means thinking of them first.) 

smile emoticon 

"This same spiritual law works terribly in the opposite direction. The Germans, perhaps, at first ill-treated the Jews because they hated them; afterwards they hated them much more because they had ill-treated them. The more cruel you are, the more you will hate; the more you hate, the more cruel you will become--and so on in a vicious cycle for ever.
"Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of."

 

Divorce and Marriage

C.S. Lewis had some deep thoughts on these subjects, in "Mere Christianity":

 The Christian idea of marriage is based on Christ's words that a man and wife are to be regarded as a single organism--for that is what the words 'one flesh' would be in modern English.  And the Christians believe that when He said this He was not expressing a sentiment but stating a fact....The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union. 
As a consequence, Christianity teaches that marriage is for life.  They regard divorce as something like cutting up a living body, as a kind of surgical operation.  Some thing the operation so violent that it cannot be done at all; others admit it as a desperate remedy in extreme cases.  They are all agreed that it is more like having both your legs cut off than it is like dissolving a business partnership or even deserting a regiment.

Divorce, even when considered necessary, is painful.  All would agree on that, I believe, and just like in this kind of operation Lewis compares it to, the side effects and long term ramifications can be tragic and hard.  My heart goes out to those considering or in that situation!

Putting the matter of divorce aside, let's move forward to Lewis's beautiful thoughts on marriage and love:

What we call 'being in love' is a glorious state, and, in several ways, good for us.  It helps to make us generous and courageous, it opens our eyes not only to the beauty of the beloved but to all beauty...Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing.  There are many things below it, but there are also things above it.  You cannot make it the basis of a whole life.  It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling.  now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all.  Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go.  

And in fact, whatever people say, the state called ' being in love' usually does not last.  If the old fairy-tale ending 'They lived happily ever after' is taken to mean 'They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,' then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years?  What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships?   

But of course ceasing to be 'in love' need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense--love as distinct from 'being in love'--is not merely a feeling.  It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God.  They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself.  They can retain this love...'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise.  It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."

Each Fracture Tells a Story

Earlier this month we took a trip to Watkins Glen.  It was amazing.


I walked along in awe, feeling peace suffuse me.

At one point in our hike, the kids had wandered ahead or strayed behind and I found myself alone. "How I wish I could capture this moment in art," I mused, trying to soak in the beauty so I could take it with me.

You can do it with words, a voice inside me whispered.

Reaching inside the backpack, I found the token book I carry with me always ("just in case"...just ask Quinn about backpacking and "Les Miserables" :), lol!).  This time, it was "Mere Christianity" and I opened the cover, quickly scribbling down the words that came to mind.

In front of me, a information sign-board read, "every fracture tells a story," and this phrase sent my thoughts spinning in a direction I didn't foresee:

Each fracture tells a story, 
Revealing the beauty that lies beneath
The Water of Life, Living Water, cuts and grinds
Carrying away debris and life

Millions come
To gain inspiration
To gain rest

All from the fractures and their untold stories that
Reveal the beauty that lies beneath.

I looked at the ground above,...you can see it in the picture above: lush and green forested area.  I thought of how many times I have relished such scenes back here in the east and then thought, "but if it weren't for the erosion by the water and the falling away of the fractures, we would have missed all this that lay beneath the forest."

How often in my own life do I look around and love the beauty that is my life, the calm, peaceful forest? And how often do I protest when God says lovingly, gently, "My daughter, this is good; but there is so much more that lies beneath."

I thought about the fractures in my life: depression, the death of my son, my imperfections and blunders in relationships, heart ache, betrayal, misunderstanding and saw them in new light.  The fractures in this glen lend almost magical beauty to the ravine, with life growing along the sides in lush profusion.   The water that slowly, gently curves its way through the bottom sculpted new treasures in the rock, creating bends and twists that unfold delights to the traveler at every turn.

True, what lay above was beautiful...
...but what lay beneath was breath-taking.

Is this true with me? Do my trials, my imperfections, my fractures also make me beautiful?  As I struggled with a particular situation last week, the impression came to my mind, "This is Me, my daughter.  We are uncovering a new depth within you.  It may be painful and rocky and thick, but it is a layer that must go."  This layer was self-pity, selfishness, and it is thick and painful to "wear through"!

How interesting it is that, when filled with the memory and peace of that ravine, God can use that comparison to give me peace in change, peace in refinement, and perspective of what may come.

I thought of all of us and how drab and monotonous it would become if we were all peaceful fields,...or even if we were all ravines.  We each have our own soil, our own composition, our own potential landscape, whether it is ground pushed up to the heavens to create mountains, soft rolling hills, stark deserts or inspiring ravines.  Not everyone will desire the beauty that is revealed and not everyone will be equipped or make the effort to enjoy the unique beauty that is ours...


Each fractures tells a story and there is eternity to tell it.

How does God show His love?

EPIPHANY!

When it rained on my birthday, I used to tell my friend, my dear Sister Rausch, that it was a sign that "I was His favorite." Whenever we noticed amazing blessings or happy things, we would comment, "See? I am His favorite!"

Yesterday, I got some bad news. For some reason, even though I ordered the countertops back in August, it will still take two and a half more weeks before I get a sink and countertops on these gorgeous cabinets recently set up in my kitchen. I know that I am blessed, but sometimes it can be so darn hard to focus on that and not whine!


Well, back to the "epiphany": this morning I was reading in my scriptures about the children of Israel being selected IN the furnace of affliction. It hit me, "Maybe my TRIALS are a sign that 'I am His favorite'?"

 

Hmmm...powerful. I think it might be true.
It would definitely help me stop whining as much.  Maybe that is what Paul realized when he said, "Bring on the affliction!"

From Anger to Healing? Here's hoping!

Conference was awesome.  I feel like I had my cup filled to overflowing with inspiration and direction, with so many personal messages!

However, as seems to happen so often to me after a spiritual high, I hit bottom that week.  It was ugly!  Looking back, I can see so much that I learned but, boy, was it awful to go through!  Looking back, I can see that I asked one of those "fateful" questions...and got my answer.  You know, like praying for patience? Warning!  Never do that unless you want to get answered!!  Know how you develop patience?  Practicing. It can be brutal.

My fateful question was one from conference.  A speaker challenged us to pray for that one thing that we need to work on.  So I did, feeling spiritually comfortable and safe.  The funny thing is that I asked it kind of hesitantly, in the peace of the moment, and then put it in the back of my mind.

Apparently, I need to work with my anger issues.

I used to be a screamer and haven't done it for quite some time.  It was one of those huge spiritual, epic battles...or maybe more one of submission, where God and I worked together for a very long time to put my anger at my kids where it should be: nowhere.  I used to feel that in order to be effective, my correction had to be backed with "steam," like they had to feel the weight of my disapproval to make them listen more effectively.

All that did was make them feel unloved.  The Spirit was already working on their hearts.  They just needed some verbal reproof, encouragement, and then freedom to try again. I love the following quote by the late President Packer:

It is essential for a teacher to understand that people are basically good.  It is essential to know that their tendancy is to do the thing that is right.   Such exalted thought is productive of faith.  It makes all the difference when we stand before...to teach."

I keep this thought on the front of my mentoring notebook where I keep my thoughts about current mentoring methods, ideas, kids' needs, etc.  Many times I find that I mentor my children out of fear: fear of my own imperfect example, fear that I might say or do something wrong to "permanently ruin" them, fear of their behaviors turning into addictions or creating long-term problems.  This idea of inner goodness and good tendancies is a beautiful one and one that I know is true.   As I have corrected my children more in a way that suggests I am merely reminding them of something they would already want to do and perhaps had forgotten, it awakens in them more of a geniune and immediate desire to listen and consider what I have said.

Anyway, I digress :).  Back to being a screamer...

Well, I was a screamer and am now many days "scream-free." (Yes, it is an addiction and I celebrate my freedom from it!)  However, I have learned this week in painful ways another level of my anger that is destructive...I get angry at people I love.  I don't know what it is, or why I do it. I have been thinking about that the last few days.  The safer I feel with someone, the less I try and hold back my irritation at anything.

And it can really flare up (especially when I am tired)! 

Poor people who love me and who have given me that safety net...a net of love that I have used and abused over the years!  How horrible! Now, I realize when I write this in such a public venue, I may be exposing myself to misunderstanding and censure.  However, I feel that maybe, by writing about it this way, I can help others who may feel the same.  I am definitely not perfect, but that is one reason why I have this blog,...to have a place to record my learnings, growings and stretchings.

After a harrowing week last week and some very humbling exposure and revelation, I felt pretty raw. This morning I got another little reminder: I was reading in 1 Nephi 18 when Nephi and his brothers were sailing on the ship and guess who got mad?  And easily?  And at those who loved them?  Yep...Laman and Lemuel, not my heroes.  It was a little eye-opening, the parallels between their attitude and mine.  Gulp. 

Now...this is just the next step: my own little personal revelation for where I need to change and how I can be closer to Christ.  How I can have a better marriage.  How I can be kinder and better to those I love.   Sometimes one of the biggest steps is to recognize the problem so you can work on it.

However,  Quinn and I had a great conversation last night in which he suggested something Kirk Duncan (a motivational writer and presenter) recommends: journaling and venting.  He talks about it in a CD called "The Field."
 
Basically, you keep two journals, a "black" one for all the garbage you just vent with and a "white" one for things you don't mind sharing with others.  The black one you just keep and write in and let it out.  Similar idea with the venting: you find a place that is your "field," and go and verbalize out loud all your concerns and problems, going through conversations or sentiments you would have with those you are struggling with...and let it go.

I am tired of being a Laman and Lemuel.  Time to try on some Nephi :).

All about abilities, trust and God's cause

I have just "not started" three different posts on my other blogs. I just need to write and I guess I will do it here.

Yesterday was great.  I felt a lot of peace. I have been taking all-natural Magnesium supplements, which I think has been helping :);  less anxiety, more able to think clearly.

When I pulled up my blogs, I came across this post from an amazing young poetess :)...

There's a story inside each of us.

Fairytales untold.

Behind each shining eye there is

A hero brave and bold.

Who knows what battles have been won?

Who knows what's being fought?

Warriors dwell in each of us.

Victory fiercely sought.

We're all in a war together, 

And we're on each other's side

So let's build fortresses of love

Not barricades of pride. 

We're all fighting in our different ways

But the enemy's the same.

Let's defeat it with each other

Let's now alight the flame.

Truth gleams brightly on our side.

Stronger than the sword.

How can we lose when we know

Our Leader is the Lord.

Inspiring!  Her poem reminded me of many things I have been thinking about and our theme for our homeschooling last month: "Thee lift me and I lift thee and we shall ascend together."  I love how she can be herself and share her talents and lift me.  Maybe we can all do the same?

We are getting the cabinets dropped off today and the area is cleared.  I worked on it yesterday while the littles watched "Mom's Night Out" about how awesome motherhood is. I even snuck in a quick nap while they were watching, since Zsa-man have been waking me up multiple times at night.

After that I spent some time reading with and to the kids and hurried and tied a blanket that has been ready to be finished since before we moved here.  A lady I visit teach (that I met for the first time Sunday) had a birthday two days ago and when I noticed that on a little announcement sheet, the thought went through my mind that this blanket was for her and I needed to finish it.  I discarded that thought, knowing what I "had to get done" that day.  The Spirit whispered again, "Finish this for her."  Apparently, God knew what I had to do as well and was not impressed with my excuses :).  Being the good daughter that I am, I put it off again :).

The next morning (yesterday), with this blanket still in the back of my mind, we watched the following video about how a group of young men did seven days of service: https://www.lds.org/youth/video/7-days-of-service?lang=eng   In it, one of the young men commented something like, "I was worried when we first set out to do it. I wondered when I would have time to do my homework.  But then, I would go and serve and come home to do my homework and somehow it went faster and better and I was able to get it all done."  Cha-ching. I knew that I was going to make the quilt.

And it worked.  And I still got the things done I felt I needed to that day.  Crazy.  Trust more and be believing, right?

My friend posted on her blog about feeling "off." She mentioned how awesome the women's broadcast felt and it made me think about a line in the conference where someone said the women of our church today need a cause.  It was powerful to think of us rallying together to defend womanhood and the family and combat the evil influences of mis-used social media, steamy romance novels and pornography.  I have been feeling a little unsettled lately as well and am more determined to fix my gaze on Christ and take up His cause in my home.  Think of all the awesomeness we can get done in this world if we unite in God's cause and not seek for how we are different or "limited."  Do what we can do, seek for peace, and trust. 

Timing

This morning, as I prayed, it was interesting to try and articulate what it was I truly wanted for me and my children.  I think I came to this:
-for the them to know, love and serve God
-for them to be prepared in every way I can help them to fulfill their missions on this earth
-to know what is the right time to do things and when is the right time to not do things.

The scripture in Ecclesiastes came into my mind:
1To every thing there is a season , and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 
2A time to be born, and a time to die ; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 
3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 
4A time to weep, and a time to laugh ; a time to mourn , and a time to dance; 
5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 
6A time to get , and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 
7A time to rend , and a time to sew; a time to keep silence , and a time to speak; 
8A time to love, and a time to hate ; a time of war, and a time of peace. 

I think there is always a time for peace...but is there? When there is a war to be fought, whether in our homes or around us?  Hmmm...something to ponder.  Can we not carry peace in our hearts?  Did the Savior's heart have peace, as we would describe it, as he cast the people out of the temple?

How much do I want peace...

Peace.  Delicious peace.

I have not had much recently :).

In the past several months my usual tendency towards thinking through things carefully and brainstorming options has spiralled out of control until I was regularly panicking and getting into a position where I was actually debilitated by my anxiety: concern about creating a safe physical environment for my children, trying to homeschool in the midst of chaos, tseeking guidance in how to help children face challenges, yearning to spend quality calm time with my husband, children and others.  My "concerns" and "yearnings" were turning into panic and fear and I kept getting caught in that cycle.  Maybe some of you feel the same about other concerns.  It can be so damning to our lives and spirituality!

For some time now, the Spirit has whispered, "Just open the Book of Mormon."  "Okay, sure!" I would respond. "Later."  And then I would continue to panic, worry and wonder.  Deep within me, I think my response was, "Nice idea.  Couldn't possibly work." 

Finally, a couple times in the last few weeks when I was bogged beyond my ability to deal with it and pled, again and again, for God to lift my burden of anxiety, I listened to the familiar response and acted on it.  Desperate I grabbed the nearest Book of Mormon and opened it up.  Answer.  Peace.  Direction.  Oh me of little faith.

Then it would come back :).


I didn't want to live my life like this!  I want to face each day with joy and anticipation, not wake up overwhelmed by all before me that I feel I should do, defeated before I even begin.  I wanted to find joy in the moment, in the chaos, in the uncertainty!  I knew it was there, but how to attain it?

As I prayed for peace and resolution, the following talk kept being brought to my attention:

In it he says:

The distressing emotion of fear arises because of impending danger, uncertainty, or pain and through experiences that are unexpected, sometimes sudden, and likely to produce a negative outcome.

In our daily lives, endless reports of criminal violence, famine, wars, corruption, terrorism, declining values, disease, and the destructive forces of nature can engender fear and apprehension. Surely we live in the season foretold by the Lord: “And in that day … the whole earth shall be in commotion, and men’s hearts shall fail them” (D&C 45:26).

I read on, familiar with this feeling of fear he described and found this hope:

An example from the Book of Mormon highlights the power of the knowledge of the Lord (see 2 Peter 1:2–8; Alma 23:5–6) to dispel fear and provide peace even as we confront great adversity.

In the land of Helam, Alma’s people were frightened by an advancing Lamanite army.

“But Alma went forth and stood among them, and exhorted them that they should not be frightened, but … should remember the Lord their God and he would deliver them.

“Therefore they hushed their fears” (Mosiah 23:27–28).

Notice Alma did not hush the people’s fears. Rather, Alma counseled the believers to remember the Lord and the deliverance only He could bestow (see 2 Nephi 2:8). And knowledge of the Savior’s protecting watchcare enabled the people to hush their own fears.

Correct knowledge of and faith in the Lord empower us to hush our fears because Jesus Christ is the only source of enduring peace. He declared, “Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me” (D&C 19:23).

"Okay," I thought, "I need to focus on Christ more.  How can I do that?"  Hanging pictures on my wall will be interesting, as my downstairs is all bare beams, but maybe I will do that.  Reading scriptures,...I am doing that more.  Praying...have been doing that more fervently and genuinely, not just reciting common phrases by rote and at high speed, anxious to get onto the many tasks I felt lay before me.  I just kept feeling like there was something missing.

Well, this week Quinn and the oldest two are gone to Utah and I had planned all month to use some of that time to go visiting teaching.  I "saved" a lot of things to "get done" while they were gone--an unrealistic amount!--and realized that when I was actually faced with that week.  "I am just not going to be able to do visiting teaching this month," I reasoned. "I am sure the Lord will understand."

On Wednesday night I went to the missionary sponsored scripture study class and we talked about fears and again Bednar's talk came up.  So I went home and read it again and found this direction:

Ordinances and covenants are the building blocks we use to construct our lives upon the foundation of Christ and His Atonement. We are connected securely to and with the Savior as we worthily receive ordinances and enter into covenants, faithfully remember and honor those sacred commitments, and do our best to live in accordance with the obligations we have accepted. And that bond is the source of spiritual strength and stability in all of the seasons of our lives.

We can be blessed to hush our fears as we firmly establish our desires and deeds upon the sure foundation of the Savior through our ordinances and covenants.

"Sweet!" I thought. "I will go to the temple!" In my mind I arranged the time and sacrifice needed to do it on Friday morning.  It would work!

And then I remembered that the temple was closed.  Next week, I wondered?  Then the Spirit whispered to me, "If you had time to go to the temple (5 hours total), don't you also have time to go to the temple? Is not your commission to be a visiting teacher also a covenant?  Part of your baptismal covenant to succor the weak, mourn with those who mourn?  Where is your faith? How much are you willing to sacrifice for that peace you desire?" A covenant with a promise was there for the taking.  It did not require adding something else to my schedule. It simply required giving up something that I felt was dear for something even dearer...peace.

As my soul was reflecting in stunned silence, my eyes rested upon another part of Bednar's talk:

Recall how the Lord’s Apostles were in a ship, tossed in the midst of the sea. Jesus went to them, walking on the water; but not recognizing Him, they cried out in fear.

“Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.

“And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

“And he said, Come” (Matthew 14:27–29).

Peter then walked on the water to Jesus.

“But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid,” began to sink, and cried out, “Lord, save me.

“And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” (Matthew 14:30–31).

I envision Peter responding fervently and immediately to the Savior’s invitation. With his eyes fixed upon Jesus, he stepped out of the boat and miraculously walked on the water. Only when his gaze was diverted by the wind and the waves did he become afraid and begin to sink.

I realized that I am much like Peter.  God points me in a direction and I respond "fervently and immediately": homeschooling, Hungary, New York!  I am excited to know I am doing His will!  But sometimes I start looking around and noticing the waves around me...and I start to sink.  And sometimes I sink really deep.  What a beautiful way to capture how I was feeling!

How can I look to Christ?  Why am I here in New York...to create a perfect home or to serve and love others?  Why am I homeschooling..so they can score a perfect score on college application tests or to give them the education that will not only prepare their minds but their souls also for their missions in life?  Why am I a wife and mother...to run around frantically trying to meet all their needs or to  lovingly invest in and enjoy relationships with these amazing people around me?  Of course, I need to feed them and try to clean the home, but that is not the end goal...the focus.

I have been pondering on these ideas since that moment and felt I should share this experience, just in case others out there, like me, are feeling buffeted by waves that seem daunting and are sinking.

Find your own way to look to Christ.  Doubt not.  Fear not.

My house is still under construction. I still have the same 24 hours.  But I feel peace, blessed peace so much more now than before and, best part, I know it is there for my reaching for it...for my reaching to Christ to save me.

It is truly a peace that surpasseth all understanding.

What is your "mess of pottage"?

I remember reading about Esau and thinking, "How could you be so stupid?"

You probably remember the story.  Esau is hungry and comes home, smells Jacob's pottage and asks for some.  Jacob says, "Sure, if you give me your birthright."  Esau makes the choice: eats the pottage and loses the birthright.

Now, I wasn't sure what "birthright" meant, but figured it was pretty important and have never really understood what could have possessed a grown man to trade off that birthright just to temporarily satisfy his stomach?

...until this morning.

Last week, per our stake leader's suggestion, we had a lesson as a family about how we could keep the Sabbath day holy.  We each took turns sharing how we were personally going to try and improve our Sabbath day worship to take advantage of the blessings God promises has for us.  You know, to make the Sabbath truly "a delight"! (see the book of Isaiah in the Bible)

I decided to get to bed earlier, rather than do my usual marathon of "see how much I can get done before I pass out around midnight" Saturday night routine.  10 pm.  I could do it, right?

Well, after a Saturday of painting two coats of primer on two rooms and cleaning and maintaining, I was ready for this break.  "No work for the rest of the night, except for getting ready for Sunday!" I announced to the relief of my kids around 6 pm.  Quinn wasn't back from scuba diving with his brother yet and I really wanted to spend some time with him, so I planned out to watch a movie with him and just start at 8.

Our evening moved forward as my evenings usual do...completely "behind" any kind of mental schedule I may ridiculously try to make happen :).  Baths, dinner, cleaning up after painting, promised date with Tova, family scriptures and prayer...bingo!  Time to put kids to bed!

Two hours later, the clock strikes 10 and we haven't started the movie yet.    My resolution floats around in my mind, reminding me of the promise as my evening progresses, but I rationalize:
-Quinn and I were going to do a date!
-I paid extra to have this movie (which was more than we normally pay for rental)

We watched the movie, spending some great time together with me finishing up some cookies for church the next day just in case we have choir practice with her "snack time" right before.  Bedtime was after midnight, resolution gone :).

The next morning, as I groggily struggled to awaken at 7 am to get ready for church, the phrase floated through my mind: "you sold your Sabbath for a mess of pottage."  My excuses the previous day were answered: "You could have planned the date earlier this week, and is $5 really worth not have that much better of a Sabbath?"

The Spirit had whispered to me the best way for me to honor the Sabbath better after I had asked the Lord to show me how.  The movie became my mess of pottage! I had traded something to satisfy me temporarily for something of more eternal worth.

Now, I am not beating myself up for watching a movie and staying up late, don't get me wrong! I know God loves me! I also know He probably chuckles and shakes His head as as He watches me ask for something and then not do anything He suggests in response.  I also recognize going on a date with my hubby is a good choice...I just could have done it earlier that week as well :).

This experience opened my eyes how easy it is to trade spiritual blessings for a temporal, temporary fix.  Apparently, I am not that different from Esau.

Like the saying goes, everyone can have eternal life...

there just has to be nothing else that they want more.