Waiting, Waiting...

Waiting is for the birds
I hear them go "tweet, tweet"
I'd rather hold a baby
So soft and squishy sweet

So I walk and walk and walk some more
And do some cleaning too
Just waiting for this little one
To come and join our crew

Eleven other times I've had
This time that "never ends"
It just doesn't get easier
Each time we round this bend

Pretending not to care is hard...
My soul feels stretched so thin
As I feel the squirm and tight'ning
Of this world beneath my skin

Waiting, waiting, waiting...
I guess I'll wait some more
There really is not other choice;
'Least cuteness is in store!

This week I drove to the hospital thinking I might be in labor.  No, after 11 pregnancies I still don't know.

Another thing that hasn't changed after 11 blessed healthy deliveries is my sense of anticipation. I think it is a wonder that this process of birth never gets old. In fact, I have been thinking about how it has changed:
-my comprehension of how quickly they change, minute to minute, after they are born.  Those first moments are so precious!
-my appreciation of being front row seat to yet another amazing human being coming into physical existence, watching personality, lessons, successes, failures
-my understanding about how deep and comprehensive grace and God's love for my children is--that I can mess up pretty badly and somehow they still turn out pretty great
Many people already have these perspectives when first time parents.  Looking back so much has changed from my new parent perspective and I am grateful.

And super excited.

And disappointed when the contractions seem to do nothing. :(

And amused when people call me an "old hand."

I can only imagine how the anticipation grows and deepens as we begin to have children without number like our Father.  The faith in their ability--their inner genius--, the assurance of how love can endure the hardest of trials, the joy in their victories and discoveries.

Convergent Messages About Helicopter Parenting

I have always struggled with following through.  Something about that last stage of commitment is so challenging!

I pray for inspiration in homeschooling, personal spiritualiy, personal studies...and then get distracted :).  I tell my kids I will commit to something and then the schedule gets "out of control" and we don't do it.  Or I tell friends and family...same thing.

This last month it has come to the forefront more frequently as I participate in the "Thomas Jefferson for Teens" 22 day "Real You" challenge.  Each day we ask ourselves an introspective question and take a day (or two) to answer it.  Distraction, integrity and commitment have all come to the forefront as challenges I face.  It has been pretty cool to see the patterns and recognize them for what they are.

Even last night, I was reading in a book about visiting teaching and in it, in a hypothetical situation, Joseph Smith was addressing a group of spirits in a pre-earth life scenario, telling them the challenges that they would face.  After sharing his own peers' challenges of being driven from their homes, losing their virtue and their lives to their enemies and being slandered, he turns to a group of individuals from our day and warns that our trial will be prosperity and peace. "You will let yourself get distracted."  That was the key of the message.

He refers to a situation in which a visiting General Authority tells a group to get ready to leave for Jackson County, Missouri at 5 am the next morning.  He warns that only 4 out of 10 will consider it and only 1 will actually go. "You will say...

"If I hear it from the prophet himself, then I will go."

"I have strawberries that are ripe.  I will hurry and get those on and then do head out."

"He can't mean me. I have my mother to take care of and am not very strong myself."

"John can't possibly get work off for at least another week."

The book is about visiting teaching and not putting off our responsibility to reach out, administer, serve and love in the Lord's way, but it hit a chord with me.

I was getting super discouraged last week about my lack of consistency with my kids' scholastic and nurturing needs on a basic level.  I took time to look at the schedule I felt inspired to put up at the beginning of the year, prayed about whether it was still applicable or if it needed some tweaking, and took a deep breath and felt some peace.  I do have an inspired plan and I can trust it.  My son Kel said that one thing he has learned is the rewards of following an inspired schedule.

I think my inner feistiness runs so deep that if anyone including myself tells me what to do, I tend to fight it :D.

So, referring to the "convergence" in the title, I also picked up my reading for the "Mentoring in the Classics" class I am taking online.  The book is "Understood Betsy" and is a refreshing look at parenting.  It takes a look at parenting the "non-helicopter" way, to put it simply.  I tend to hover and worry about my kids when really, they need some freedom and some confidence in their ability to take on problems, figure them out, struggle through failure and succeed.

It was interesting that I also came across a letter I saved from Tova.  It was written shortly before she left on her mission:

"Thanks for the wonderful year, Mom!  You've allowed me to step out and take more control over how my life is going to turn out.  Though you've given me the chance to make mistakes, you've always been there for me to talk to and to get love from."

One tenet of the TJEd Education philosophy I always struggle to incorporate is "You, Not Them."  I see danger in immersing myself so deeply in my own projects and studies that my children are left feeling less important than "Mom's current project."  I know there is balance required and constant evaluation.  The spirit of the application needs to be two ideas combined:
#1 My child has an inner drive to succeed and will rise to it...even without my help and perhaps even better without my help.
#2 My overall focus in my studies and life's mission will always include my children.

I have a quote up in my bathroom that I refer to often. It is actually more of a historical selection from an article about one of my heroes, Marjorie Hinckley.

Gordon and Marjorie established a home of love, mutual respect, hard work, and gospel living. Daily family prayer provided a window for the children to see their parents’ faith and love. As the family prayed together, the children also sensed the nearness of their Father in Heaven.

The Hinckley home was a place of few rules but great expectations. Marjorie spoke about things that were not worth a battle. Describing a parenting approach that she shared with her husband, she said: “I learned that I needed to trust my children, so I tried to never say no if I could possibly say yes. When we were raising a family, it was a matter of getting through every day and having a little fun along the way. As I could see that I wasn’t going to be able to make all of my children’s decisions anyway, I tried not to worry about every little thing.”³⁵ As a result of their parents’ trust, the children felt respected and gained experience and confidence. And when the answer was no, the children understood that it was not an arbitrary restriction.

Few rules but great expectations.  I am excited to try and trust the Spirit more, make less excuses and just act on my inspired lists.  I am excited to see what my children accomplish as I hand over more and more of the ownership of their life's choices in (hopefully!) an inspired way, one that shows love and support and confidence in their own abilities.

Humorously, a song is going through my head:
"Take a deep breath, pick yourself up, dust yourself off...and start all over again!"  :D

Thanks, Frank Sinatra!

Too Much "Good, Better, Best"-ing

I felt I should post this from my personal journal.  Maybe someone else out there can learn from my journey.

Oooooh.  I am super discouraged.

I did one of the TJEd for Teens 22 days of questions and one was: do I approve of myself?  It has led me to deep pondering and I have realized that I doubt pretty much every decision I make every day at the deepest level.  I believe I have the deep assumption that: If I decided to do something, it must be wrong.  Or bad.

Maybe it is because I relive my mistakes in my mind over and over again and beat myself up for making bad decisions.  This process has the underlying reinforcement that I made a bad choice and am therefore a bad person.

I see it manifest in things like: when I pray and get a decision and make a schedule, I ignore it.  I am always second-guessing decisions that are made, seeking that elusive "best" option.  I am just plain hesitant to act.  I feel threatened by changes in schedule and when my kids question what our schedule is and if it will work.

I don't trust myself to get inspiration.  To truly know what is best. I continually doubt that.  Even as I act, I doubt, doubt, doubt.

I feel that there is always someone, somewhere who could do what I am doing better.

I let people down...regularly.

I think that writing this, recognzing these thought patterns of mine, is important, but shouldn't be dwelt upon.  If I do, I am just deepening that well-walked pathway in my mind.  Time for some positive "bride-building" of good synapses in my psyche.

I make good decisions.
I know how to trust God.
I know how to determine what is the best course.
God's mercy and the Atonement and grace of Christ all combine to make the best out of what I have to offer and that is enough.
When I make a choice, I can look back at it and benefit from it.
I act on what I feel inspired to do and can feel peace about it.

Kurt Duncan does entire series of lectures of creating positive energy and mindsets in our lives and this is one things he emphasized: replacing negative mantras with positive ones....even if you don't believe them or they seem outright lies.  Chances are, he says, that the negative statements we have been telling ourselves are equally false.

As I struggle to move forward in the face of my inner doubts and discouragement, I also tried out what I always tell me students in Seminary to do...pray and read my scriptures.

The prayer, I think, led me to this process of writing.  And "coincidentally" for our scripture reading for seminary, we are on Nephi's lament or "psalm":

2 Nephi 4:17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

21 He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.

22 He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.

23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.

24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

31 O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?

32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

34 O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

35 Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

I  also had this song come up in the background when writing this and the words captured me:

And this one...

I think I am going to go back through the inspiration I have received on how to educate my children this year on occasions that I know I was feeling the Spirit and really trust it.  By taking that step into the darkness, which reminds me of a seminary video we watched a couple days ago:

Just feeling a little overwhelmed with doubts.  Maybe it is because Drew is starting public school tomorrow and it has left me wondering if I am truly doing enough for my children to get even the most basic of education that they need.  Homeschooling in New York is an uphill battle.  Socialization--which is highly over-rated and often more destructive than helpful--is the rallying cry to join "everyone else" at public school that my children feel at church and in the community with no homeschooling options that I have been able to access outside of a sweet little youth group full of bullied teens and one little ten year old boy up the street.

Have I reached out enough?  Should I do more?  Do my kids really need it?

It is not that in my mind "going to public school"= failure.  It is moreso doubting all the previous years of homeschooling and how effective I was and am.

I need to stop this negative path cycle of continually second-guessing my decisions!  It is debilitating, ineffective, and discouraging.  Hopefully recognizing these poisonous paths of doubt will help me identify them when they arise for what they are and allow me to supplant those with feelings of peace and trust...and then relax. :D

When God doesn't seem to be listening

This week in seminary we had a discussion about the statement: "God doesn't answer my prayers the way I hear that other people get answers.  He doesn't seem to hear me. I don't think that he loves me because he is not answering my prayers"...or something like that.

We discussed the incorrect assumptions behind that statement:
-If God loved me, He would give me everything I asked for when I asked for it.
-God should answer everyone the same way because that would be fair.
-If He doesn't answer right away, He must not be listening.
-I know what is best for me and God would give it to me if he loved me.

The power of the exercise comes when we flip each of those statements into correct ideas:
-Because God loves me, He will not give me something I ask for if it is not good for me.
-Because we are all unique, God answers us personally and specifically.
-Because God loves me, He will wait for the right time to answer my prayers.
-He knows what is best and will answer me when it will help me the most...because God loves me.

Any parent can see the truthfulness in how God works among the children of men.

As I knelt to pray this morning, I realized that deep down I have believed that we work towards being righteous enough that God answers all our prayers and our lives are one blessing after another.  What has happened because of this underlying belief is that when things go wrong or my prayers seem to fall upon deaf heavens, I have interpreted it as something I am doing wrong or imperfection on my part or God's disappointment with me.

A further realization hit me this morning (and partially during our discussion): God will answer me, always.  I just may not like the answer.  He answers not out of frustration, disappointment or unworthiness on my behalf but more out of readiness of me to get that answer or appropriateness of the answer...because underlying all His work in my behalf is a love that is constant, a goal that I return to live with Him again.

The goal is for my will to align with His, to see His hand, to trust His direction and actions in my life.   To accept that this life is a test and He truly knows what is best for us.

One of my kids shared a scripture in Mosiah (23?) the other day about how God trieth the patience of his children.  He doesn't just allow Satan to tempt us, but He actually tries our patience...out of love.

Overwhelmed? Feed your faith.

As I face teaching early morning seminary again, I feel overwhelmed.  And inadequate.  Last year was one joyous miracle after another.  I had 2-3 young men, depending upon the time of year and I truly saw God work the miracle of enabling me to homeschool and do seminary and find my family not only "okay" but blessed.

This year I face the tired-ness of the end of my pregnancy and new baby in Oct-ember, a class size that is not only three times as large but now has the dynamic of girls (a very real change from just boys in a group of teenagers!), and some kids that are coming early and leaving later...causing me to plan my classes more specifically to accommodate that need.

Needless to say, I am facing the situation with much the same unease and concern as last year.  There are couple more emotional dynamics included that I feel quite frankly unqualified to deal with.

However, the Lord's answer, as last year, is one of peace and not anxiety.  I read this article the other day in the Ensign, about a woman who had a child that just defied her ability to raise the way she thought she should be. She got to the point where every day, whenever she had to deal with the behavior or emotions of this "unreasonable" child, she would just pray, knowing that this child was God's before it was hers.

Rely on God

After a particularly hard day, I asked my husband to give me a blessing. During the blessing I was reminded that I am a daughter of God, that He is aware of me and my needs, and that my son is a son of God. Brad was God’s son first, and my husband and I have a partnership with God in Brad’s behalf. I realized that I had not been using all the tools that the partnership provides for me. My husband and I had researched and discovered many resources to help us, but we forgot the most significant one: prayer.

I began to pray daily about how I could help Brad. When he was having an emotional meltdown, I would say a quick prayer for inspiration before approaching him. As I relied on God for my support and for inspiration for my son, I got a glimpse of what I could be and what I could do for him. I strived to follow Alma’s words: “And this is my glory, that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hands of God” (Alma 29:9).

The changes were immediate. I was flooded with ideas and ways to help Brad. I used family home evening as a tool and prayed for ideas about what to teach. I also read the scriptures with more intent and recognized the great parenting advice they contain. I began to be filled with hope and comfort.

As I continued to put into practice the idea that my husband and I are partners with God in parenting our children and using the tools that He has given us, I began to rely on God more and more. I realized that my knowledge of parenting could only go so far, but a loving Heavenly Father, who knows all things and loves my son more than I do, could help me become a better and stronger mother. And though I still sometimes falter, I know where to look for help. I understand now that some trials may not have a time limit on them, but if I keep my eye on eternity, God will help me.

I have also felt that I just need to be kind ("have courage and be kind!" as it says in the recent "Cinderella" movie).  I also watched the recent address from our prophet on that matter.  I also received an answer in church today during my niece's talk about faith: "unwavering trust in Christ."  I need to just have faith.

Today, facing the challenge of tomorrow, I felt God tell me to rest.  Just rest.  As I thought about how I could rest, I realized that it included reading the scriptures and partaking of the good word of God.  Today in church a woman spoke about how during her times of happiness, she could just picture God and our Savior in heaven not only rejoicing with her but even doing a little happy dance :D.  She then shared that she recently realized that during our sad times, they do not leave us.  "During our times of trial and grief, they are on their knees beside me, arms comfortingly around my shoulders, weeping and mourning with me and saying, 'just hold on a little longer...you can do it.'"

She then shared that when we feel our faith is weak, we have not lost it but rather we have just slowed in our efforts to sustain, strengthen or feed it.  My "rest" will be to fill my spirit!

So in a rare moment of peace and quiet in our house, I found myself alone in the downstairs.  I prepared some food, got my scriptures out and thought, "I really want to listen to a conference talk too.  Which one?"  Distinctly, I felt that I should listen/read to a talk from Eyring.  As I pulled up the last conference, his first talk didn't stand out to me and I went for the Priesthood session one.

The power of his message--God's message to me--is a clear answer to my struggles in feeling of inadequacy.  If you are feeling this way, please take a minute to partake of the feast of this talk, "Walk with Me."

"Put The Savior First"

This morning I was praying to know how to give more of my will to God's.  He told me to get up off my knees and He would show me. I read Abinadi's last testimony, a very black and white  clear look at what final judgment will be like as well as where our hearts need to be.

Then I went to the gym.

Now, I am really good at putting going to the gym off until "later in the day"...which usually equates to "not happening."  Well, today I realized that I could fit it in since Drew is on breakfast and it will be cooked while I am exercising.  I could do that, I thought.

Lately, being as far along as I am in my pregnancy, "exercising" means walking, which allows me to read the Ensign while I do it.  I have found such faith and inspiration and have been grateful for the answers I have received while exercising.  And today, it took on new light.

I turned to the article "Put the Savior First" from the July 2017 Ensign and was blown away by the strong answer to my prayer.  I realized that in going exercising and reading the Ensign, God was able to get my attention directed to the answers I was missing in the Ensign articles!  It wasn't just about exercising my body, but I was receiving a cleansing of the Spirit. When the Spirit nudged me to exercise, it wasn't just about the exercising.

"While I was a young business professional, I heard a voice shout inside me, “You need to leave this place and this job.” So, I walked out on Wall Street—leaving a large bonus on the table—and joined a small investment company in Boston that paid me less than half of what I was then earning.
I did not doubt that voice. It made neither logical nor financial sense. It made no sense to many of my friends, and I could not fully explain it to them.
In time, though, as I followed the voice of the Spirit to walk away, doors opened that allowed me to become an instrument in the hands of the Lord in helping lift countless people out of poverty, disease, and hopelessness. The decision to leave made sense only in hindsight, but being true to the voice changed everything.
Whether you are on the farm pitching hay and harvesting potatoes, in the home raising a family, or at the office working as a manager, you will not be whole and healed and fully empowered unless you receive the voice of the Spirit and go and do whatever it directs."

I am going to put portions of the rest of the article in here. It is just so beautiful.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. That note read in part: “What is important in the end is what we have become by our labors. … Wise are those who make this commitment: I will put the Lord first in my life, and I will keep His commandments. … This is the ultimate significance of taking upon you the name of Jesus Christ, and this is what we should ponder.”1

Yours too is a choice of how best to apply your degree and talents. You can use your training either to bring light to yourself or to bring the Savior’s light to others.

*****
Years ago my father said the following: “The real challenge today is not in outer space but in inner man. To reconcile the how of our living with the why of our existence and in the synthesis to emerge the child of God that we know we are. … May your life bear an unalterable testimony that there is knowledge—independent of reason—[a knowledge that is able to alter lives and which can only be found through obedience] to the voice of … God within us.”2The ultimate foundation of all you do in life should be to live so that the voice and integrity of the Spirit take precedence as the powerful, necessary force in determining your actions, both professionally and personally.
You live in an age that needs a profound inner spiritual rebirth. Yours is a time that calls for men and women willing to assert their birthright of choice to alter and shape lives and institutions in a way that reflects the moral and spiritual values dictated by the Spirit of God. Unless you can arrive at that point, you will idolize and surround yourself with the trivial.
Acting according to the Spirit, however, is not always easy. It often requires significant sacrifice and at times deep obedience against the purely rational mind.

I am sure each of you has given thought to your future. Most of you have probably thought, “It’s now time to become part of the real world.” Let me assure you it is not and never will be that time. Rather, this is the time to resolve forever to stand above the world—your goal must not be assimilation into the real world but to disrupt it. 

 By the voice of the Spirit, you will be asked to walk unmarked paths, many times needing to do things that make little sense. You will have to build a Kirtland Temple, like Joseph, with no money; or retrieve brass plates, like Nephi, against an army of 50 (see 1 Nephi 3:31; 4:1).

It is not the maximization of wealth or success that underpins the command to “let your light so shine before men” (Matthew 5:16); rather, it is Spirit-directed acts of sacrifice and courage that build and edify. These also are the acts that blaze new pathways that astonish this world.

The intimate and absolute test of your life will be whether you hearken with exactness to the voice of the Spirit of God within you—using all the talents and gifts and education He has given you.

For better or worse, the reality of our world is that we live in a day and hour when both good and powerful evil share the geography of our time.
You are not here by accident. You are here by choice. You wanted the opportunity to prove yourself. You are here at a time of morally twisted opposition that calls “evil good, and good evil” (Isaiah 5:20). You elected to stand here to give service and to love.

Today we have great divisions before us. Within and without the Church there exist real stumbling blocks. Outside we are pressed daily by violence, invasion of individual liberty, discrimination, poverty, immorality, disease, and so much more. Inside the Church many struggle to reconcile and understand same-gender attraction, the role of women, or certain Church doctrines or historical events. Many struggle with doubt, lack of confidence or resources, zealousness, commitment, meeting schedules, leaders who offend, friends or children who stray, prayers that seem unanswered, or broken trusts through emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. 

The night of the Lord’s Atonement began with the Savior commanding the disciples to make and renew a covenant to always remember and honor His sacrifice. Then, as described in the Gospel of John, He knelt and washed the feet of those who would in a few short hours betray Him, deny Him, or fall asleep in His most needed hour. He exhorted them to be one with Him, to forgive, to wash the feet of others, and to love each other as He loved them. He asked that they raise their vision to His vision. (See John 13.)

Can you see that the great charge of the Atonement of Christ is to love as He loved? To love those who betray, who offend, who fall asleep, who deny, who doubt, who are overzealous and cut off an ear with a sword or wound a heart with a harsh word or deed? To be long-suffering with those who will not hear and who will not love back? 

I keep in a frame on a wall in my home office these words of Elbert Hubbard: “God will not look you over for medals, degrees or diplomas, but for scars.”3

This is the pattern that the Lord places before us as we work to do His work to lift others: we will be called upon to suffer innocently if we are to achieve what He needs us to achieve as His light before men.

We have around us many who are spiritually dead, and you must be willing to be laughed to scorn. Like the Savior, you must move forward against a world that does not believe, and you must not “shrink” (D&C 19:18) before the taunting of our secular world. 

A Safe Place to Fail

I often like to articulate what my purpose is in my different roles.  To write it down or say it out loud makes me clarify my thoughts amid the muddle that seems to keep me anxious about what my goals are when they are unclear and overwhelming.

This morning, I realized that one of my goals as a mother is to create an environment where my children can fail safely.  Where they can make mistakes, experience trials, grow and learn and experiment with different ideas that they feel they must pursue to become who they are.  For so long my goal has just been a safe place. Unfortunately, I have equated that with being safe from their own mistakes and the mistakes of others.  This is unrealistic and unhealthy.

Now, there are boundaries that I feel I must make to keep the environment as free from addictions as possible and that will change with the time and season, age and maturity, personality and needs of the child or children.  But I tend to take ownership for "mistakes" I see my children making. It struck me this morning that they need to make those mistakes and figure out how to overcome them internally...or at least develop a personal desire to overcome them from within and then they can turn to me or others for help.

My job is to be a cheerleader, have faith in them, express love and realistic expectations for them and correct them if their behavior is endangering themselves or others.  "Correct" doesn't have to equate "punish" as I have so often done.  I have been impressed recently in our "reading" (book on cd) of the "Little House on the Prairie" series.  This is my first time really reading them.  Their mother is quiet yet firm and I find myself guided by her more and more.  She is repetitive and firm in her expectations, but her statements are voiced in a quiet and loving way.  I tend to lace my voice with disappointment, scorn, frustration or even anger when I correct.  She simply stated it lovingly, firmly and quietly.

Doing so seems to allow the words to penetrate deeper, without causing a defensive "throwing up" of defensive walls in response to the negative emotions I so often use in my communication with my children.  I have seen a difference in my children's response and behavior in the short while I have been trying this different approach to "reproving betimes (immediately) with sharpness (specificity)."  I am grateful that God gives me space to make mistakes, experience trials, grow and learn and experiment with different ideas that I come across.  It is only just that I should do it for my own children.

Interestingly, this concept was tested this morning. One of my older children awoke at 2:30 am and, unable to sleep, was reading still when I came in their room this morning at 6:30 am.  From personal experience, I know that this can lead to further insomnia.  However, I didn't feel the usual "put out the fire!!!!" response--to curb the behavior in the making--but simply shared my personal experience in a loving way, expressed empathy for the situation and walked away with love...trusting that the light of Christ within them would motivate change far better than any force I created.

Not an hour later, as I mused on the beauty of "a safe environment" and how important it would be for the healthy emotional development of my children, Spooner (4) came dashing into the bathroom to use the toilet.  Several minutes earlier, I had told him he should try to go, since he was dancing.  Well, he didn't.  As he made this mad dash in, he pulled up the lid to the toilet and said, "Uh-oh." I looked over to see him emptying his very full bladder along the side of the toilet, completely missing the bowl.

I lost it.

"That is so stupid!" I exclaimed and plopped him into the bathtub.  "You will wait there until I have time to clean up your mess!!!" Continuing to vent my frustration aloud, I finished braiding Hava's hair and then turned to the yellow pool.  When I took a breath and actually was quiet, a still, small voice whispered, "What was that you were saying about creating a safe environment to fail? Is this what it looks like?"

Pause.  Gulp.
I guess it should start from their first moments in the home.  Sigh.

I apologized to my little boy as I sopped up the mess, although my heart wasn't completely where it should have been.  But it was a step in the right direction.  I guess I am still failing at and learning this new concept :).  Thank goodness my kids are so forgiving.  Time to be more like a child, I guess.

"All We Went For"

I just read an article from an Ensign by Elder Bednar describing Zion's Camp (July 2017?).  He goes over the many ways it seems that the expedition failed.

When a skeptical fellow Saint (who had turned down participation in the Camp) asked Brigham Young what he had gained from the "useless expedition," Brigham replied, "All we went for."

It made me think about my days that start out with a certain intent or plans that don't seem to come to fruition, despite my best efforts to follow the Spirit.  What is my attitude?  One of failure?  But what if I gained all that I went for...in God's way instead of my own?

Hmmm...

Is My Heart Right?

I was able to go to a seminary teacher training yesterday.  One of the presenters shared a dream that Joseph Smith's father had in the early 1800's before the translation of the Book of Mormon that was similar to Lehi's "tree of life" dream.  An interesting insight was that after Smith, Sr. had gathered his family to the tree to partake of the fruit, they fell to the earth, eagerly consuming as much of the precious fruit that lay about on the ground as they could.

That is what I felt my day was like yesterday.  There were many opportunities for me to partake of the love of God, to feel of His goodness, as I participated in the training.  At one point, I thought of leaving early.  The official presentations were done and the coordinators of the program invited us to visit the sacred sites around Palmyra before the concluding remarks.  They encouraged us to look for things that we could teach our students from our experiences there.  I have been to all the sites many times now and felt a relief that "I could go home" and do more of that work list that always seems to loom forefront in my mind. (I still have many boxes to check through and sterilize before reintroducing them into the house...among other things.)

However, as we were there at that moment of pulling away or continuing, the thought came to me: "Remember how as a leader you prayed for inspiration on how to best bless those you were teaching in Vanguard?  How you knew that if they just trusted your inspiration for the group and came to the trainings and participated in what you felt inspired to put on that they would be blessed?"  So we stayed. (Quinn was there with me.)

And we were blessed.

I would just like to record some of the "fruits" that I gained from being there.

Prayer
The keynote speaker led a beautiful discussion that was very guided by the Spirit.  In it, I was reminded of the power of Joseph Smith's prayer leading up to the First Vision and what probably made it more effective.  He went to a place to pray that he had previously designed to go.  So often I drop where I am and pray amidst distraction when I remember I haven't prayed yet that day.  While I believe God listens to every prayer, the Spirit touched me and suggested that my prayers could be more effective if I actually "previously design" when and where I am going to pray.  Yes, we should always carry a prayer in our hearts and needn't always get caught up in formalities, but as we discussed this idea of "previously designing" a place that is quiet and free from distractions, I was reminded of Elder Eyring's comments at the Face-to-Face with Youth at Palmyra.  He said that if we realized that we were truly approaching the throne of God as we pray, our prayers would probably change.

The few times I have treated prayers in this fashion have been deep and meaningful experiences.  It is not a matter, again, of formality or form, but where is my heart?  Is my heart right as I approach the commandments or "tool"of prayer?  Am I checking it off the list or do I really understand what prayer is and can do for me?

Efficiency vs. People
I don't know if I can capture this next thought adequately but I will try.

One of the presenters was a seminary director from Penn State, Brother Done.  He pointed out how Nephi wrote one comprehensive history and then ended up writing a smaller one later in his life that covered the same time period as the large one but focused on the spiritual matters: for what reason I know not.  It was like rewriting a comprehensive history again

Mormon abridged 400 years worth of records onto golden plates covering the time of Nephi to Benjamin...and then discovered Nephi's smaller plates (see Words of Mormon).  He included those small plates in their entirety, struck by how precious the truths in them were.  You can just see his appreciation of Nephi's spiritual summary of those 400 years.  It changed how he translated the subsequent records (see verse 9, I believe).  And that earlier record, "The Book of Lehi," ended up not even being used.

Joseph Smith translated the 116 pages, a huge labor and sacrifice on many counts.  Through disobedience all that work was similarly "wasted," from an economical standpoint.

The presenter pointed out, "Obviously, the Lord is not worried about efficiency.  He is worried about people."  This really hit me.  I think that underlying my philosophy in life is a striving for efficiency: how can I get all those good things done in my life the best way.  This carries over from places that it is perhaps more important (household cleaning) to places where it should not be so prevalent (working with people).  Yes, I should pay attention to ways to do things better, but what is the underlying feeling of my heart?  To see if I can get it done more quickly and more efficiently? Or to feel love for a person and genuinely try to help, serve and love them?  I am reminded of a talk by Pres. Uchtdorf, I believe, when he said that he just cannot see the Savior multi-tasking.

Is My Heart Right?
These various thoughts were tied together with a thought I had while on one of the tours of the sites afterward...one of those tours that I almost missed in the name of "efficiency."

Joseph Smith tried to retrieve the plates four different times but his heart was not right. In fact, one of the times he was able to actually pick them up and move them from the place where they lay.  He set them down, and then turned to the place in the ground, thinking, "I wonder if there is something else in there that would bless my family in their poverty."  He faced the reality of poverty his whole life and his heart's desire wasn't "evil." I just wasn't right.  And he missed out on the blessings.

When I do what God commands me, as Joseph was doing it, and my heart isn't right, I am not able to receive the blessings as fully and completely as I could if my heart was right.  If my heart is focused on efficiency, maybe I will become the most efficient person in the world.  But is that what I want?  Or do I want to feel God's love for others?  His love for me?

The Whole Earth Wasted
The concluding remarks were given my Brother Done.  Again, I almost left. They were over time and I had a bunch of cute little kids that needed me!  He asked us to consider the scripture that was repeated time and again to Joseph Smith:

1 Behold, I will reveal unto you the Priesthood, by the hand of Elijah the prophet, before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord.

2 And he shall plant in the hearts of the children the promises made to the fathers, and the hearts of the children shall turn to their fathers.

3 If it were not so, the whole earth would be utterly wasted at his coming.

A gentleman offered a different interpretation of the word "wasted" from the one I generally use and hear.  Rather than "wiped out" he said it would be "a wasted effort."  Brother Done pointed out that the War in Heaven was over the implementation of God's plan.  And what was that plan?  To prepare a way that we could become like Heavenly Father.  And what is God?  A father.  A father with a huge family that He helps to grow and develop and loves without restraint. If our hearts are not turned to our families--both immediate and the family of man--, if we are not creating family units to become more like Heavenly Father in that very important step, the whole plan is wasted.

It is not about efficiency.  It never was.  It is about becoming like God, a God that exists outside of time and space. A God that worries about love first and efficiency second.

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The artwork is from a series called "Cloud Study" by John Constable.  Those are for you, my mother, and Mark.