"You Go First"

 We watched this interesting episode of CNN-10 yesterday, a moderately biased broadcast.  

I particularly appreciated the part that covered the current escalating crisis in Israel.  One point that was brought up a few times--both in our broadcast and in our discussion afterward--was that both sides were waiting for the other side to back down first.

As we could witness the tragedy that follows after such mentality, it was easy to see where thinking like that gets us. 

And to feel self-righteous in knowing we would never do that.

Or would we.

Just last night I was reflecting on a situation within my own experience where I deliberately made the choice to "wait for someone else" to take the first step in making our relationship better.  The Holy Ghost gently reminded me of conflict-torn Israel and made the connection to my own situation.  How often do we wait for the other person in our lives to "say sorry," get things rolling, clean-up first, etc?

It was a reflective moment that empowered me and gave me peaceful resolution to take more ownership in these types of situations. I just thought I would share it just in case it helps empower someone else...so they can learn from my mistakes :D.

Isaak means "he laugheth"

 Today is our memorial day for our dear son, Isaak.

Oh, how I miss having his presence in our family.

As I wake up this morning, my soul is awash with thoughts and emotions.  I am grateful that his death occurred during this time of year where thoughts of the resurrection and the Atonement of Jesus Christ are fresh on our minds: 

--the resurrection for the promise that we will be able to see him again, well and whole...that I'll be able to hold my little boy again.

--the Atonement of Jesus Christ for the power of healing it has not only worked in my life but that continues to work to cleanse and heal us so that we may be ready to enjoy our little boy in the presence of our Father and His Son.

Our little lamb will come home....

...or rather, we will be brought home to join him.

I remember that morning, the circle waffles that we enjoyed. I remember wrangling the kids to get them ready for school and that Kel tried to carry Isaak to the van in his arms, so his little bare-foot brother could go to school with him that day even though we couldn't find his shoes. I remember the night before when, facing his sadness that he had lost a toy football at the other kids' soccer practice, that I actually went with him to retrieve it, rather than do my usual, "Don't worry about it!" I remember coming back to the house and enjoying my little ones while I tried to make sense of the everyday mess that comes with having five little ones 6 and under.  

I remember every personal detail--horror and miracle--that followed in the trauma of losing my little Isaak, watching him leave our family and feeling so many emotions; details that I have relived again and again.

I remember Kel's sweet bouncing voice the next morning as he came joyfully out of his room, sharing with us that he had not only had a dream in which he had seen Isaak in heaven, but that he was told that Jesus would be coming again soon and that we would all be together again...soon.

I know God's timing is not our own. I have felt different times in my life since then when the veil is oh, so thin and our little man is oh so near. I know he has helped to prompt me to watch over his siblings when they needed an extra special watch. I know that he is there playing with them in heaven before they come down to join our family. I know that he is excited as we are to be a part of our football games and fun.

"Isaak" means "he laugheth" and how well that always suited him!  He was hot and cold, feisty as any three year old with a gentle and soft side to him that made him like a big teddy bear.  And oh, how he  loved to laugh!! However, just recently I discovered a new level of meaning to that definition of his name.  Abraham named his son Isaac because he and Sarai laughed when they were told by God that they would have a son in their old age.  

They laughed because they couldn't see how God could do that miracle.

Oh, how truly that definition applies to our situation as well...

On that day, it was so hard to see how we would ever be happy again.

It was so hard to believe that our family could feel whole again.

It was impossible to see how I could be forgiven and healed.

While there was no laughter that day that we lost our little boy from this earthly existence, there was a lot of shared doubt with that old couple and their experience with their own Isaac.  Maybe less doubt and more inability to see how things could change--how we could experience happiness, togetherness and healing.  Maybe that was why that ancient couple laughed.  Sometimes it is just so hard to see the miracles God works with our sorrows.

In hindsight, I have learned how the soul can mourn and love and find a settled peace.  I know that God was there that day. orchestrating all the help and healing that was possible in the face of so much horror. I know that my Isaak was whisked up to heaven in the arms of Jesus, sparing him all the hurt that God could.  I know that the Holy Ghost was there, buffering and soothing the extreme intensity of so grave a moment when one of God's own little ones is killed. 

I testify of the healing that can come as through the years I have been blessed with angels on both side of the veil to help me see more clearly the collateral beauty that comes through grief and pain.

But most of all, I testify that I will see my little boy again.  I love my Isaak, my little mischievous, feisty son.  I am grateful for the journaled pages I have of his short life, the pictures and videos that were in miraculous abundance the year before his death so we can remember so many of his words and mannerisms.

I miss him. It is amazing how the absence of one can be felt among so many but I have felt it each time one of my children has left us--temporarily or for longer duration.  But the beautiful blessing of the Atonement assures me that no matter our paths and duration on that path, we can be a forever family once again.  Today we will spend the day with those of our family that are here with us, eating circle waffles, playing together, watching Isaak videos, looking over photos and sharing memories.  And I know his presence will be felt.

I love his focus on cars. I love his passion for doing everything that big people do...especially anything that included mud, water, balls or especially, his beloved siblings.  I love the love our immediate and extended family shared for Isaak and the color he brought into all of our lives.  Someday I'll figure out how to upload our memorial video on YouTube for our family to share, but until that day I pray that they will all find peace and joy on this day as they remember our barefoot, personality-filled little Isaa-boo. <3

Judging Over a Brush

 This morning, while exercising, I listened to a couple thoughts about not judging others:

“Always dealing honorably with others is part of loving mercy. Consider a conversation I overheard decades ago in the emergency department of Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland, in the United States. A patient, Mr. Jackson, was a courteous, pleasant man who was well known to the hospital staff. He had previously been hospitalized multiple times for the treatment of alcohol-related diseases. On this occasion, Mr. Jackson returned to the hospital for symptoms that would be diagnosed as inflammation of the pancreas caused by alcohol consumption.

Toward the end of his shift, Dr. Cohen, a hardworking and admired physician, evaluated Mr. Jackson and determined that hospitalization was warranted. Dr. Cohen assigned Dr. Jones, the physician next up in rotation, to admit Mr. Jackson and oversee his treatment.

Dr. Jones had attended a prestigious medical school and was just beginning her postgraduate studies. This grueling training was often associated with sleep deprivation, which likely contributed to Dr. Jones’s negative response. Confronted with her fifth admission of the night, she complained loudly to Dr. Cohen. She felt it was unfair that she would have to spend many hours caring for Mr. Jackson, because his predicament was, after all, self-inflicted.

Dr. Cohen’s emphatic response was spoken in almost a whisper. He said, “Dr. Jones, you became a physician to care for people and work to heal them. You didn’t become a physician to judge them. If you don’t understand the difference, you have no right to train at this institution.” Following this correction, Dr. Jones diligently cared for Mr. Jackson during the hospitalization.”

And...

“The importance of not mistreating others is highlighted in an anecdote about Hillel the Elder, a Jewish scholar who lived in the first century before Christ. One of Hillel’s students was exasperated by the complexity of the Torah—the five books of Moses with their 613 commandments and associated rabbinic writings. The student challenged Hillel to explain the Torah using only the time that Hillel could stand on one foot. Hillel may not have had great balance but accepted the challenge. He quoted from Leviticus, saying, “Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”17 Hillel then concluded: “That which is hateful unto you, do not do to your neighbor. This is the whole of the Torah; the rest is commentary. Go forth and study.”18”

After listening to these, I tried to ask God where I was being judgmental, especially like in the first example. A couple relationships come to mind. I considered how to change them and moved forward.

A short while later in the morning, I was leaving the bathroom. Havala was just coming in and I started to switch brushes, intending to take one to my bathroom. Hava insisted the brush I was taking was hers, one she had owned for a long time. I harshly criticized her and challenged her ownership of the brush. Walking away, I grumbled about the irresponsibility and fickleness of children. As I huffed and puffed while finishing my morning preparation, the Spirit gently suggested through feelings and impressions, “Aren't you being a little judgmental and harsh right now? '[Mary], you became a [mother] to care for people and work to heal them. You didn’t become a [mother] to judge them. If you don’t understand the difference, ....”

It's way too easy to be judgmental.

These thoughts go perfectly with a book I would recommend to everyone of all ages: "Through Rosalie Colored Glasses."  

Beautiful in every way.

The talk I would have given...

 Ever get to the last speaker in church and they say, "Wow!  This is going to be the shortest sacrament meeting in history!"  Different bishops handle it their own way.  Some speak themselves or ask a counselor to speak.  Some just end the meeting then.  And a few souls call on people to speak spontaneously or share their testimony.  

Now I respect that this is not common because most people would not enjoy this opportunity. 
Not I :D.
Whenever I hear words like those from the speaker I mentioned, I immediately start thinking, "What would I say?"

Well, this happened yesterday.  Contrary to his belief, the speaker filled the time, but I had time underlying his thoughts to prepare almost a dialogue with the two speakers and it would go something like this:

The first speaker today referred to a struggle she is having and she did so from a unique perspective.  She gave it as one who is going through a trial, not anticipating one nor having overcome one.  Her faith was beautiful as she said, "I hope that someday I will look back and see the purpose for this hard thing."
Her faith reminded me of a favorite quote from C.S. Lewis's "Screwtape Letters" in which two minions of the devil are working on discouraging a believer in God, whom they refer to as "The Enemy."

 

“Be not deceived, Wormwood, our cause is never more in jeopardy than when a human, no longer desiring but still intending to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe in which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”

 

To be able to move forward with this kind of faith is the kind of faith we will need in these times. It seems that over the past few weeks, everyone I have spoken with has been experiencing a whirlwind of trials or life in general, whether internal or external.
This ties into the second speaker's topic of having faith in turbulent times. He mentioned several times how we shouldn't count on life being easy...it "is what it is," I believe he said.  I not only heartily endorse that perspective but testify that this life is, in fact, a test.  It was Satan's plan that promised to be free from struggle, trial and opposition.  The battle rages on regarding who we will follow, God and His plan with all its trials and struggles or Satan's plan that promises ease and freedom from heartache, discouragement or hardship.

My hope is to give encouragement when life seems especially difficult and uncertain. For some of you, that time is now. If not, such a time will come.
That is not a gloomy view. It is realistic—yet optimistic—because of God’s purpose in the Creation of this world. That purpose was to give His children the opportunity to prove themselves able and willing to choose the right when it is hard. In so doing, their natures would be changed and they could become more like Him. He knew that would require unshakable faith in Him.--Elder Eyring, 10/20

Last night as I counseled with my 18 year old daughter, my mommy heart wanted to make her path easy and relaxed...to fix everything I could to make it easy.  I realized at that moment how much grit it took to be Heavenly Father.  To knowingly allow His children to struggle, knowing it would be for their good.  Could I do that?  Could I counsel her differently?  Could I parent differently?

This morning I heard a beautiful answer, also from Elder Eyring's talk from last fall:

Much of what I know came from my family. When I was about eight years old, my wise mother asked my brother and me to pull weeds with her in our family’s backyard garden. Now, that seems a simple task, but we lived in New Jersey. It rained often. The soil was heavy clay. The weeds grew faster than the vegetables.

I remember my frustration when the weeds broke off in my hands, their roots stuck firmly in the heavy mud. My mother and my brother were soon far ahead in their rows. The harder I tried, the more I fell behind.

“This is too hard!” I cried out.

Instead of giving sympathy, my mother smiled and said, “Oh, Hal, of course it’s hard. It’s supposed to be. Life is a test.”

Now, can I truly believe this....that is, ironically, my test for the moment :D. 

x

What Motherhood Can Be...

 I think that I have a unique perspective on motherhood since I am still parenting little ones while in a grandparent stage--that proverbial stage where you are able to let things slide that are just not important.  You're able to see with a little more distance and clarity the beauty of the small things that change so fast.

If I could, I would do what so many women did for me when I was a young mom. I would reassure young moms that the blow-fish lips smears on the mirrors disappear all too quickly.  That the kids will stop writing you notes and going out of their way to show you that they love you and you will be chasing behind them, hoping that they know that you love them even if you can't be their best friend.

I would tell them to stop and snuggle more.

That reading picture books with the kids on the couch is the best way to settle the tensions of fighting.

To say "sorry" faster and openly let the tears flow when your heart breaks when you see them fighting.

I would tell them that you can look into their eyes deeply and let the love you feel just flow into their hearts.

I would tell them to tell their children that they are angry because they are sad or afraid.

I would tell them that you can't ruin a person God loves more than you'll ever know...and that parenting is more about learning to be like God.

That motherhood--in all its forms-- is God's best opportunity to learn charity.

Moroni 7:45 And ^acharity suffereth long, and is ^bkind, and ^cenvieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily ^dprovoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

What does it mean to "just be a mom"? An email conversation...

 I had an interesting series of emails about this topic with a lady in our Relief Society women's organization for my church that went like this:

Her--

Hello Sisters,

We invite all sisters ages 11 and up (Primary, Young Women, Relief Society) to participate in All Sisters Sunday this Sunday, March 14 at 11am. Our discussion focus will be on sisters in the Restoration. Listed below are four brief bios with sources of the sisters we will focus on. 

Phoebe M Angell: mother of Truman Angell (church architect, including of the SLC Temple), 10 children and a very unhappy marriage, divorced, moved with the church multiple times as single mom, practiced “social medicine,” was a midwife, became president of the Female Council of Health in SLC in which she presented lectures and shared recipes for natural prescriptions 

Source: At the Pulpit ch. 6: https://www.churchhistorianspress.org/at-the-pulpit/part-1/chapter-6?lang=eng 

Emmeline B Wells: joined the church at 16, got married and moved to Nauvoo a month before Joseph was killed, trekked west, leader of the women’s suffrage movement both on national and international scale, editor of Woman’s Exponent newspaper for 37 years, general RS president who preserved grain that became crucial during WWI shortage

Sources:https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/callings/relief-society/relief-society-presidents/emmeline-b-wells?lang=eng

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/history/topics/emmeline-b-wells?lang=eng 

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2003/07/emmeline-b-wells-a-fine-soul-who-served?lang=eng

The Diaries of Emmeline B. Wells: https://www.churchhistorianspress.org/emmeline-b-wells?lang=eng

Martha Cannon: born in Wales, trekked west at a very young age, received four degrees by 25: a bachelor's in chemistry, a medical degree, a bachelor's of science, and a bachelor's in oratory, she went to medical school per Brigham Young's request for more women in Utah to become formally educated, became one of first woman doctors in Utah, first female state senator (beating her husband in the election), resident physician at Deseret Hospital, which was run completely by women 1882-1894

Sources:https://history.churchofjesuschrist.org/training/museum/political-pioneers 

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/friend/2019/03/becoming-dr-cannon?lang=eng

Jane Manning James: free Black woman, walked from Connecticut to Nauvoo (800 miles) because she wasn’t allowed passage due to the color of her skin, lived and worked with the Smith family, trekked west, although denied the full blessings of the temple during her lifetime she continued faithful and participated in baptisms for her ancestors in the temple

Sources:https://history.churchofjesuschrist.org/article/jane-manning-james-life-sketch?lang=eng 

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/history/topics/jane-elizabeth-manning-james?lang=eng

-----------

 Me--

Just a plug...could we also feature a woman who was a traditional mother, who lived a gloriously "ordinary" life? I'm super excited to study these diverse women. I would also hope our daughters and sisters can celebrate women who quietly and simply are "just mothers."

I respect the beauty of your presidencies ability to receive revelation, so perhaps these women featured are the entirety of what is needed. Again, just a thought...

Respectfully,

Mary :)

-----------

Her--

Mary, 

Thank you so much for this email plug. It’s given me a good reminder about how to present these sisters :).  I would love to hear more about what you mean when you say “just mothers.” I feel that women who stay home full time (of which I am one) take on lots of roles and responsibilities in their spheres of influence and it’s hard to pin them down as only one thing. 

In the newsletter email we wanted to include a brief overview of each woman and her life. Since it had to be short and concise the role of mother was squashed in with a lot of other things these women did. Each woman did take on the role of mother and most of them were stay at home mothers during that stage of their lives but in other stages they also chose to involve themselves in other causes too. 

I’d also love to hear more on your thoughts of being gloriously ordinary. What does that look like to you? Some of these women pushed the bounds of society and had big leadership roles but not all of them did. Some also lived simply by their faith. You probably haven’t had a chance yet to look at the resources we listed under the bios but I’d be interested to hear what you think after reading more about them. 

Thank you for reaching out! :) 

-------

Me--

Hi!

Thanks for your reply :D.  You are right, I hadn't read the bios completely yet.  I have done so now and, as anticipated, they are truly amazing women who made a difference either through activism or through standing for something through hard times.  I anticipate it will be a great discussion on Sunday and was grateful for the time and effort put into finding the links and the women to study.

"Gloriously ordinary"--perhaps a little background.  I think I am speaking from a view I have had for years and have had to personally deal with, a view that says, "Yes I am a mother,...but what else?"  As you say, motherhood is entwined in our lives in unique ways.  Each of us approaches it differently, truly, and often the way we approach it naturally leads to influence in other areas.  Sometimes we have impact that is independently generated, either concurrent or following our "time as mothers."  I respect that heartily.  And many enjoy that.  

My own road of motherhood has always felt a little...not enough.  "Yes, I change diapers and get kids ready for life...but what impact am I making?" I feel like this is a similar message or mentality of many women who approach motherhood.  Perhaps I see it as the "motherhood-plus" package, which is totally fantastic and wonderful for many.  But in my path I have also rubbed shoulders with a precious few who view their roles of nurturing within their home throughout their children's lives and others who wander in and out as enough. It is simple and it is beautiful.  They are truly happy and joyful in "just being moms."  They nurture, focus on their home environment, etc.  They are content.  I guess I want the discussion with my daughters on this day that celebrates this version of womanhood in addition to the "motherhood plus" versions that have been featured that mention in passing their mothering time amidst their other claims to fame, which are, again, truly remarkable and laudable.

Lately I am finding more and more joy daily in just taking a deep breath and immersing myself in the simple, unanticipated non-routine that is the life of a mom in nurturing stage.  Spilled messes, watching my children discover, trying and failing regularly and then seeing them love me and trying again.  None of these are particularly descriptive, but are worth celebrating.  I am content with my life. I don't need others praise.  But I guess I was just thinking it might give the young women among us another option besides the "...but what else" approach to motherhood. You know, if there was included in the discussion a mom who wiped up poop, made mistakes and was happy doing it anyway.  I love the peace I feel now--after years of worrying if my life's contributions were not enough--the peace of knowing that I am enough "just being a mom," and not worrying about my influence outside of my home as the priority.  

Sister Hinckley is not in this time period featured, but she is an example of that. I think the bios were wonderful but focused on the before and after of this stage that we often pay lip-service to as the crown of a woman's purpose.  Again, I am completely chill with the discussion moving forward as it is :D.  I get it... it is nice to see that we can make "more" of our lives than just being a mom.  These thoughts have just been stirring a lot in my head lately and so were fresh on the surface when I got the email about what we are discussing. I am super happy to leave it as it is.  I think it is a wonderful idea and very inspiring.  I hope this came across how I wanted it to.  Email is so hard.  I hope you can feel that this is more a philosophical answer than an impassioned one.

All the best!

Mary

-------

...and then me later...

I just thought of a different way to look at it :).... hope you don't mind being my sounding board (would love your thoughts).

After reading about these women, I don't come away with a feeling,  "Wow! I can't wait to be a mom to snotty nosed children who keep me awake all night because that's (all by itself) AWESOME." They all share this underlying theme regarding motherhood,  "Yes,  I was a mother, but look at what else I could do" or "look how these things I did (or this person I was) really made a difference."

Yes,  one woman gardens as she mothers. Another sews. Another has the gift of conversation or mindfulness. Let's please include those beautiful examples like y'all did . But perhaps we could also include one that says,  "I woke up,  breathless with excitement at what I would learn from my kids today." "I knew that changing diapers for the millionth time was on the agenda,  but I'm in a place where I celebrate every poop because it means health. " "I looked up from where I worked in the garden and had to put down my trowel as I watched my 7 year old lean over to show his 3 ready old sister a new caterpillar, holding her tiny hand in his." Each of these perspectives could happen in any motherhood scenario, regardless of the talent or other very meaningful different ways we mother.  I just feel that our youth,  particularly young women,  are hearing all they can do while being a mom that they miss the beauty of just enjoying the journey ... letting the "plus" of those "motherhood plus" life plans be the focus.

I did for the first several years. 

It was being exposed to those moms I mentioned that found joy and satisfaction in not just everything they were able to do while mothering but the experience itself that have helped me see the beauty of those commonplace components inherent in every parenthood experience. 

This was fun! Again,  it helps me round out and refine some things I've been pondering lately that your email brought to the forefront.  And again.... just sounding ideas out...

Respectfully, 

Mary

Born to be a Fighter and the True Purpose of our Test

 On Saturday night as I was praying, I thought, “Dear Heavenly Father, please help me to stop being angry! I don't want to get frustrated or lose my temper any more. It's just such a beautiful thing to be calm and peaceful.” Then I felt a distinct impression: But I sent you down to this day and time because you are a fighter. I thought some more and between me and the Spirit, I think we came up with a plan to count to 10 when I start to feel that passion rise; a count to 10 so I can make sure it is worth fighting for and the person or cause is worth fighting against ;).

Speaking of internal measurement of emotion, this last week was probably a 9.9 for me on the internal Richter scale of emotional turmoil and upheaval. I journaled about it earlier, but something on Sunday makes me bring it up again.

The speaker, Brother James, is a teacher at the local university and he started talking about tests, referring to Elder Bednar's recent address. Brother James talked about the stages of learning in a healthy classroom: preparation, test, evaluate, re-teach what wasn't learned. Good teachers use tests as a way to measure what still needs to be learned, he taught. This really struck me.

So often I feel tested or tried immediately after I bear my testimony about some principle or concept, tested on the very principle I bore testimony of! I have always felt it was like a, “well I guess you don't know as much as you thought you knew” or “yah...let's see how much you really believe that” in some kind of dispassionate correction from heaven. However, looking at it in the light that Brother James shared, it is ever so much more wonderful! We bear our testimony or feel that we are “ready” with the material in a particular “subject” of mortality: patience,brotherly kindness, tithing, etc. Then our loving Heavenly Instructor says, “Okay, now you will be tested on this to see areas of this principle where you might need to improve on to make sure you know all the material.”

Seen in this light, the ultimate “graduation” of godhood is lovingly achieved test by test until we show that we truly have mastered the material. We are tested in intimately personal ways that help us see facets of eternal truths and concepts that maybe we didn't know as thoroughly as we need to in order to truly “master” it.

After he spoke, I felt the love of God so intensely after my own personal trial last week about the concept of “don't run faster than you are able but be diligent.” It wasn't that I was tested and shown that I was a failure at that concept. He was just teaching me more. And now I feel that I have a better understanding of what it feels like “to run faster than I am able,” and definitely faster than God expects of me. “Cheerfully do all things that lie in your power...and then stand still.” (D&C 123:17) Hopefully now I can recognize that feeling (a very common feeling apparently) and not push past it as I so often do. This is particularly timely as I am starting up four new groups here in the area starting in March. I have felt prompted to start them and know that they will work out. I have already seen resources come available and felt myself directed. Sometimes working with God on things is like a roller-coaster ride on the down hill slope and it feels like a rush of things that I can barely take in. However, underlying it all is a calm assurance to just “keep my arms and legs inside the car” and enjoy the ride.

Sleepless Insanity

It was a brutal last couple days this last week. I saw part of every hour from 3 am Monday morning to midnight on Wednesday night. Wednesday night, I got to miss seeing the 12am...and at 1 am I stopped doing our new alarm system for Eli to help him wake up at night and not wet the bed. Between bed-wetting patrol and baby stirring for food and farts, it was no bueno.

I was horrible inside. My friend Margaret Pace told me that pets can go without food and water but when they go without sleep, they go crazy. Well, that's where I was going. In my prayers, it was hard to approach God—either not wanting to or not feeling worthy after my frustration/anger episodes. I kept it in pretty well all things considered but I was still not happy with it.

Well, I slept from about 2:30 am until 8 am Thursday morning and woke up a new person. The best part was that when I got on my knees once again, I felt like my Heavenly Father immediately, without hesitation, swallowed me up in a big bear hug.

Yes, He will not give us more than we can handle, but sometimes we give ourselves more than we can handle through our choices and priorities. It was an interesting epiphany to have after a few days of ranting and raving to heaven about giving me more than I could handle. 'Twasn't pretty. Hopefully it is over and the lesson is learned. Application will be trickier, for sure, but knowing about the problem is a great start.

Sometimes "just one little thing more," no matter how necessary it may feel, is just one things too much.

The Future is Bright

 I have to write!! I hope the Spirit can stay with me so I can capture everything.

1) My inspiration from this morning's prayer was that I need to learn to be myself and enjoy doing so! So perplexing, challenging and fun!

2) I was inspired by something Karen wrote on FB this morning:

Have you ever tried running while you’re crying? It’s extremely uncomfortable....

I was out enjoying my run up the canyon today, missing my hiking buddy, Cassia, when the song “Slow Down” came on by Nichole Nordeman. (I’ll link it in the comments, if you dare to listen, just don’t do it if you’re running) I cried through the first verse as I thought of her. Then the second verse made me think of Williamwho will be leaving me soon as well.

I was grateful that I’ve had the feeling lately to let go of things that I can’t get done as fast as I’d like and trust more in God to take care of it.

I have had times as I’ve tried to write my book and create my program where I try to “push through” to get things done at the expense of more important things. I’m grateful I’m learning to do that less and trust God in the process. I find he lets me know the next step much more clearly when I’m focused on what matters then when I’m trying to push through and do things my way in the time frame I want.

I know God wants moms to develop their gifts and use them to light the world. Our kids also need to see us trying. But I also know that He will guide us baby step by baby step into how to do that even when the pace seems slow, I know the results will be awesome because they are His.

I needed to hear this because sometimes I get so frustrated worrying that I am making the wrong choices between my mission as a wife and mother and my mission as a community-impacter. This was a beautiful reminder.

3) The next reminder came from a talk by Joy B. Jones:

I am grateful for the perfect examples from our Savior’s life. With the Son of God standing before him, Pilate asked Jesus, “Whence art thou?”

Jesus remained silent.

Then saith Pilate unto him, Speakest thou not unto me? knowest thou not that I have power to crucify thee, and have power to release thee?

Jesus answered, Thou couldest have no power at all against me, except it were given thee from above.38

Jesus calmly reminded Pilate who was really in control of the situation. He looked to His Father in every thought. He didn’t doubt. He didn’t fear.

This reminded me that I need not fear anything. I can post things on fb to start my new groups here in Ohio in the middle of COVID and just not worry about it. If something cannot be used for good, God will now allow it. If it yields adversity, it is part of God's plan to improve me.  

No need to remind me about analyzing and trying to think things through before I do them.  My problem tends to be over-thinking and over-analyzing. 

And I've already had some break-throughs and miracles happen. It is like what happened in our "Come Follow Me" reading for our religion this week, Doctrine & Covenants 6-9: we can desire things, stumble and fall, and God will be there to help us get up again and perhaps redirect.

I love when the future feels bright!

Natural Man vs. Childlike

 I've become kind of obsessed with battling the natural man.

Unfortunately, it has turned most things into a battle and, honestly, I get tired of fighting.

As I hit 250 lbs with this last pregnancy it scared me.  True, I lost the token 13-ish when the babe was delivered and went down a bit after discovering my all time not-so-great record.  However, I have a vision of being able to keep up with my kids--let alone my grandkids--and being heavy and out-of-shape is not part of that vision.  

So when I hit that mark, my thoughts turned towards creating a plan.  I am good at plans.   God tells me something is good. I plan.  Now, the hard part has been sticking to plans. 

Enter, natural man.

THE INSPIRATION

I pondered and pondered and my ideas kept coming back to the idea of training for a marathon over the course of a year.  Being completely transparent, I really have no desire to run a marathon.  Ever. Or even run those 20 mile prep routes leading up to it.  However, I do know that any plan that outlines how to get ready for a marathon a year in advance has got to have a slow enough curve of plans that it would even embrace my body and mentality.  

I knew that this "year" plan was inspiration because my usual brain would not accept so tame a route.  However, my usual brain was transformed a bit by my son Drew's observation that it is more effective to aim to create habits than it is to set goals.  When you are developing a habit, if you miss a day, you just try the next day...not so big a deal.  If you set a goal, there is a specific end in sight and you "fail" if you don't hit it...and feel like a failure if you don't stick to it.

So combine this morphed brain with an idea that kept floating back to my mind when I kept kicking it out.  Must be inspiration!  (God knows that He has to give me time to accept ideas.  Very rarely do I get "Mount Sinai" experiences with revelation.)  I knew my natural man. I would be excited, plan, get discouraged/distracted and not progress...except around the waistline, in the wrong direction.

THE PLAN

The year plan breaks up the training into trimesters.  The first three months, you get out 3-4 times a week and walk or jog for 30 minutes.  That's it. No further clarification or specification.  So you get out there and move in a forward motion and you are succeeding.  The person who developed this plan must have talked to Drew.  It is completely about forming habits!  I could do this and fail and fail and I wasn't really failing.

THE REALITY

The first week, I went out once.

The second, not at all.

Maybe two times the third week...you get the picture.

By the end of one month, there was one week that I went out three times.

But when I did go out, I wasn't stressed about pushing myself to accomplish some kind of speed or endurance. It was just about getting out.  I realized after about the fifth time that I could just stop "jogging" whenever I wanted to...and my body would actually want me to start jogging on its own from time to time.  And the week that I went out three time, I noticed that the jogging time turned into a longer and longer stretch!  It wasn't a push, a battle of mental energy like exercising normally is for me. I just did what my body wanted to do...and it wanted to do more each time I went out! On it's own!

Now I like to go out. I know it is not going to be a battle but a time for my body to explore where it is at. I allow myself to walk or jog or stop and ponder depending upon what I feel like doing.  I actually try to make it a part of my day because I like to do it, and not just because of how my body feels after I exercise. I set the timer for 30 minutes and go.

I may not be "up to speed" after three months but I am developing a habit that I have never done successfully before...all because I'm letting myself be natural.

THE CONCLUSION

As I jogged along one time, I was contemplating this natural inclination to push myself and started pondering about the difference between natural man and being childlike.  My natural man wanted to eat and not go outside. I did have to overcome that "natural" thing. God had told me to do that several times.  However, I was becoming childlike in my experience of jogging, naturally wanting to progress and improve.  When we can get ourselves in a place to let ourselves be childlike and explorative of truth, then we will naturally want to improve. There's no natural man about it.

For the ^anatural ^bman is an ^cenemy to God, and has been from the ^dfall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he ^eyields to the enticings of the ^fHoly Spirit, and ^gputteth off the ^hnatural man and becometh a ⁱsaint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a ^jchild, ^ksubmissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

(A great way to memorize this amazing verse!)

Defusing the Internal Volcano

I'm going to try and share my daily inspiration here in case it helps others.

I got up with great expectations this morning.

Enter child stabbed in the hand with a pencil. 

Anticipated but not planned for wet bed.

Puppy attacking kitties during breakfast routine of family creed, poem, song and prayer.

And then I watched a cool video about my friend and a new group she is starting....and I wished so desperately to be in that place that I wish I could be whenever all my great friends back in Utah keep doing the awesome things they are doing--I wish I could be there with them sharing their journey. And that wish is pretty intense.

As I built up for an internal volcano, I was reminded of a story contained in this talk I listened partly to yesterday (probably around 20-40 minutes in):

Then I decided to go ahead and do the list I felt inspired to work on when I got up, not making excuses or thinking too much about why I shouldn't and rather how I could make it work.

That meant exercise.

While exercising, I listened to the following:

This applies more to me than my husband, who is super good about making his family first and dreams second.  It reminded me that I am not doing this alone.

This gave me hope to keep trying.

This one just let me lumber while praising my God who loves me so much.

I feel renewed for my day.

Agency

 I have been thinking a lot about agency.

I have time to do the things I choose to do.  So what if I have to be selective?  Isn't this the perfect test of how we use our agency?  The one factor that God chooses not to control.  Why do I not feel joy by choosing what I do?

So often I feel limited, controlled, powerless...but am I?  Am I not choosing the associations that "require" things of me?  And am I not the one that controls my expectations of the relationships?

Today I want to openly state that I want to recognize that whenever I do something, I am the one making the choice to do it and if I choose not to do something else, it is because that other thing is obviously not as important to me. If I chafe at not being able to do both, then perhaps I need to see and pray if there is another way to incorporate both.

But I am not a victim.  I can choose and I can choose joy in the choosing, ironically enough ;).

When things spill, I can choose to stop reading a book, eating my own food or having a conversation to clean it up...or I can leave it uncleaned up until I finish what I am doing. I don't have to be angry because others around me may also choose to do the same.

I can choose to exercise and leave the possibly screaming baby with others. I can choose to have the baby to begin with (within reason...heavenly intervention and mandate reigning supreme in that area). I can choose what I am eating to stop feeling overweight which condition impels me even more to want to exercise.

I can choose to get up with the fussing baby or let them scream while I sleep.

I can choose to clean the house rather than work on my books.

I can choose to pump milk (since the baby can't nurse) rather than just use formula, which makes it so that I cannot choose to do other things...I get to decide what is the most important.  And then I need to own that decision. I need to own all of them, even the ones made on a subconscious level.

Because I have agency.  That is the one thing that God gave me that is completely my own.  I have stewardship over it and I want to be more pro-active in taking responsibility for my choices, my attitudes and my actions.

Allowing God's Fierce Winds to Bless Us

 Today I was pondering the symbolism found in the journey of the Jaredites as found in the Book of Mormon.  I started yesterday on the prompt from "Come Follow Me":

Ether 6:1–12

The Lord will lead me toward my promised land.

You may find spiritual insights if you compare the Jaredites’ voyage across the ocean to your journey through mortality. For example, what has the Lord provided that lights your way like the stones in the Jaredites’ barges? What might the barges represent, or the winds that “blow towards the promised land”? (Ether 6:8). What do you learn from the actions of the Jaredites before, during, and after the voyage? How is the Lord leading you toward your promised land?

Minerva•K. Teichert (1888–1976), Journey of the Jaredites across Asia, 1935, oil on linen on masonite, 35 x 48 inches. Brigham Young University Museum of Art.

I had started yesterday and done it about halfway, brainstorming that the barges could represent our actual physical homes, as well as those communities we build around us: family, friends, church, local, homeschool, etc.  

Today I spent more time thinking about the fierce winds.  We had a very strong wind system that blew through a couple days ago, knocking down many trees and making some areas go without power. It was perfect timing to help me relate to the "fierce winds" that blow. As I studied these passages, I noticed a few things about these fierce winds:

-they caused tempests

-they did not cease to blow

-they drove the people in the barges to the promised land

-God made them

It made me think about mortality and how God never ceases to "blow us," figuratively speaking, to the promised land, or becoming like Him.  But then I thought, "Well, some people don't want to progress and He doesn't force them." As the hymn goes, "He'll call persuade, direct aright, and bless with wisdom, love and light. In nameless ways be good and kind...but never force the human mind." ("Know This That Every Soul Is Free," hymnbook of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints)

I then realized another personal symbolism of the barges reflected on the previous day.  Our barges can be the covenants we make with God.  When we make a covenant we put ourselves in God's hands to direct us. We trust Him as we pay tithing; consecrate our goods to serve Him and the poor; serve in callings; multiply and replenish the earth; are baptized and weekly make time to partake of the Sacrament.  All these are actions of trust and take faith, symbolically putting those parts of our lives in His hands.

I was then struck with further connection: in a very real sense, when we enter into the barges of our covenants, we are letting God prevail, one of the very definitions of the word "Israel."  We are letting the winds that He blows in our life drive us to be like Him, trusting Him as the Jaredites did in such a literal way--gathering all their family and possessions into a barge that they could not direct nor steer.  We are becoming part of the gathering of Israel.

Is this choice to let God prevail mindless? Far from it. It is very intentional and requires preparation and purpose. It is a choice.  There is so much we can enjoy and experience while in our barges, but "the wind will never cease to blow" our overall course to our promised land as we counsel with Him, trust Him and submit ourselves to the mandates of our covenants, symbolically building our barges with our faith we place in Him.

Are there other winds that blow? Absolutely.

Can we stay on that shore and never enter into those barges and still survive? Absolutely.

But it may just be that we will never make it to our own "promised land," that place where we experience a fulness of our potential and a fulness of joy.