Man-bashing, a modern addiction

 I love how this article addresses the hunger many of us feel to be able to communicate with God, to feel His love, attention and presence. I also love how the author points out that He reaches out to us in the everyday labor, worries and tragedies of our lives and that we need not travel far to find Him: 

https://www.womeninthescriptures.com/2020/04/god-comes-to-women.html

What I am uncomfortable with is the voice of negativity with which she addresses my brothers, the men of humanity. She alludes to the men of the scriptures "having the time to go up to the mountains." The times I have read of them actually "going up" are few, and normally in times of great duress--like you're trying to lead a nation of unhappy people and this is your first rodeo, as it were. Many times the men are actually taken up in dreams to get greater scope,...and I believe sleeping is something that all of us do at one point or another.  There are countless spiritual men and women both who led lives unrecorded in the scriptures.  I am sure they experienced many of those transformational experiences they craved, and all while they were hard at work doing their best.  Let's just acknowledge that for some reason, it is mainly through the lens of men that we have received our scriptures and move on. If I see myself as a child of God, it makes it easier to relate to any experience shared by a fellow child of God.

I could address the other issues of man-bashing in this article that were unnecessarily joined to the beautiful message of hope the author expressed; however, I will just put it to you: When you read this article, how did you feel that our brothers were portrayed? Did you come away with any sense of "those darn men....always making the women do the dirty work while their out having their spiritual experiences"?

I wasn't looking for it, and I sure did.

It just breaks my heart that as we look back through history we:
#1-take obvious instances of abuse or discrimination and then assume that pretty much everyone was guilty of it...all the men were taking advantage of those hard-working women to have a good time;
#2-use these examples in history to feel justified in showing bigotry and discrimination against "groups" we have identified in the past as being universal "perpetrators": men, whites, wealthy, politicians, etc.

YES. Let's address those issues, be informed about them, and swear that they will never happen on our watch. Wouldn't it be beautiful if we could all look about us and just see others through the lens of fellow traveler on this world or child of God?  I, for one, am grateful for the distinct and different roles that have evolved in my relationship with my husband.  Maybe many of women of the scriptures were grateful, too, that their husbands were out leading armies and churches?  There are some like Deborah who led out...and God certainly didn't stop her.

Please, let's stop attacking all the good men, whites, wealthy, politicians, etc. that did and do exist, lest we be guilty of the very sin of prejudice that we despise.

No one deserves that.

The Foolishness of God: Pinball and Running

 Last night, we had missionaries from our church over for dinner.  They shared a message with us about wisdom. 

"What is wisdom?" they asked.  

We came up with this answer: experience combined with God's perspective on how to apply knowledge.

Pinball!

Thinking some more about wisdom and knowledge this morning, I find that wisdom is like a pinball game.  

You gain knowledge--whether from schooling or experience-- and it's pinging around and around in your head, like a ball in your inner pinball game.  It isn't until God directs it with those levers at the bottom that you score and go anywhere with your knowledge.  

But you have to invite Him to play with you.

Perhaps this analogy resonated with me because that is how it gets for me in challenging situations--ideas, thoughts, scenarios, problems--just ping around in my head, not going anywhere.  Like wearing paths down in the woods, I create mental tracks that become ruts and I just get stuck.

Mental Health

I have found this particularly true with my mental health challenges that I have been confronting this last year.  They are truly the fruits of a lifetime of mental health challenges but they have come to a head.  I have seen time and again points where I will get to a standstill mentally and emotionally and just can't get those pinging balls to connect with a solution to ease the tension.  I currently have a terrific therapist--a specialist in child loss and trauma, which is particularly helpful--and between direct revelation and Heavenly Father acting through her, I've seen a lot of Him directing my thoughts and knowledge in a fruitful path, sometimes completely tearing up the terrain and reconstructing the whole scene.

And, time and again, the truth of the following scripture is apparent:

1 Cor. 1:25--Because the ^afoolishness of God is wiser than men;

I find that when I am stuck in my inner pinball machine, if I submit and let Him guide my thoughts, sooner or later I score.  Then I feel like my son Xai did this morning, when he ran around the house happily announcing, "The power is back on!" after they went off last night.  It was 2 am, but when the lights come on, it's worth a happy dance no matter the time.

Running

About six years ago I was running with my son Kel in Medina NY.  Neither Kel nor I am fond of running, but he made a point that morning.

"Mom, I feel like when I push myself in exercise, it's like there is a box that opens inside of me and lets out some of my harder emotions, helping me release frustrations," he observed.  Piper shows the same reaction after a race.  She said that she feels her emotions more extremely in the time after that ultimate exertion.

Apparently this morning, running created that openness for me.

I had hit a point in a relationship that I just couldn't seem to get past and, after last night's discussion with the Elders, I specifically prayed this morning, "Please, God, help me see the situation with wisdom."  I think in the past I always wanted Him to fix things--take away the pain, change it.  This morning's prayer seemed a little different.  I just wanted Him to help direct the inner pinballs clattering madly in my brain.

So back to running, I headed out in the early hours with my earbuds on and my personal song-list singing in my ears. A little Vivaldi set the stage, followed by Blackbird by Gentri. Pushing myself in my lumbering I felt my inside open up and then a song hit my heart.  I got an answer, and it came right as I hit the bottom of a huge hill, like a huge nudge from a pinball machine lever operated by a Father who loves me...

You're not the only one who feels like this

Feeling like you lose more than you win

Like life is just an endless hill you climb

You try and try, but never arrive...

GO AHEAD AND LIVE LIKE YOU'RE LOVED.

And then it was followed by this one--another ping from the levers-- a song that has always resonated with me.  While it is from the perspective of a father, I find it has been very instructive applied to my roles as wife and mother, roles that God told me in my patriarchal blessing would be the most important thing I ever do in this life; roles that I am finding more and more joy in as I deliberately allow myself to enjoy them.

I was grateful for the reminder of what matters most to me, despite what other relationships may feel like right now. I am grateful I can focus on those and trust God to help me work with the others, just as He has with my family.

The final lever that struck my ever-pinging mental balls was one of deep connection, through a song called, "God Only Knows" from King and Country:

Wide awake while the world is sound asleep and

Too afraid of what might show up while you're dreaming

Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you

Nobody, nobody would believe you

Every day you try to pick up all the pieces

All the memories, they somehow never leave you

Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you

Nobody, nobody would believe you

God only knows what you've been through

God only knows what they say about you

God only knows how it's killing you

But there's a kind of love that God only knows

God only knows what you've been through

God only knows what they say about you

But God only knows the real you

There's a kind of love that God only knows

I know that what appears as "foolishness" of God always trumps the knowledge and perspective of our mortal eyes. I am grateful for the reminder from the Elders to let God guide my inner pinball game to score some great perspective and answers today.  While they may not seem to answer the question and problem I thought I was facing, He helped me to see where I really needed answers and perspective.

Peace.  Love. Score.

The inner pinball machine is quiet for a while. I'll take it. And thanks, running, for unlocking my heart enough to receive it.

Your Grief DOES Compare With Mine

 

I bear witness that when we pledge to follow Him, the path will, one way or another, pass by way of a crown of thorns and a stark Roman cross. No matter how wealthy our young ruler was, he wasn’t wealthy enough to buy his way out of a rendezvous with those symbols, and neither can we.                                                                    --Jeffrey Holland, General Conference 10-21

 

I don't know how many times I've used, thought or heard the phrase, "Wow.  That's crazy and oh so hard.   My grief just doesn't compare with yours."

Then there is the obvious follow-up thought: I can't relate to you, empathize with you or truly know what you're going through.  I can't help as much as I would like to.

I have listened to people who have suffered abuse, experienced years of physical pain, betrayal by spouses and many other trials and thought these things.  Sitting across from them--whether physically or in spirit--I have felt helpless to relate and truly help.

While the exact descriptions of our crowns of thorns or stark Roman crosses are as varied as the DNA combinations of the human genome, the above truth from Elder Holland has helped bring to light something that I am coming to believe is true.  Our suffering, our grief and our crosses are similar in how they hurt.  Whatever the trigger, whatever the cause, whether it looks worse on the surface or not, our crowns and crosses are fundamentally the same.

Each one touches our soul in a unique and oh, so hard way. 

And that we can relate to.

Each trial comes to a person already riddled with personality, issues, weaknesses and heartaches.  I used to believe that I could never possibly hope to understand or pretend to share the burden with someone else.  Yes, I've had and am having my own hard trials but to be betrayed and abandoned by a spouse? To have been sexually abused by a parent and others for years?  How could I possibly compare my grief and sorrows with theirs?  And I step back, figuratively hanging my arms by my side in helplessness instead of wrapping my arms around that fellow soul and say, "I know what pain and hurt feel like.  I am here."

My friend pointed out to me that our humble belief that we cannot truly understand another's pain or suffering prevent us from helping each other as much as we can.

I feel that the color of my cross, the weaving of my thorns, don't make them any more or less painful than anyone else's.  I believe that fundamentally trauma feels the same.  You and I know at the core what it feels like to go through trauma.  God has promised that not one of us is exempt.

Physical suffering can result from natural aging, unexpected diseases, and random accidents; hunger or homelessness; or abuse, violent acts, and war.

Emotional suffering can arise from anxiety or depression; the betrayal of a spouse, parent, or trusted leader; employment or financial reversals; unfair judgment by others; the choices of friends, children, or other family members; abuse in its many forms; unfulfilled dreams of marriage or children; the severe illness or early death of loved ones; or so many other sources.--Anthony Perkins, General Conference 10-21

 We are all going to carry a cross and wear a crown.  Let's reach out to each other and just allow the love to flow.

GETHSEMANE

In golden youth, when seems the earth,

A Summer land for singing mirth,

When souls are glad, and hearts are light,

And not a shadow lurks in sight.

We do not know it, but there lays

Somewhere, veiled under evening skies,

A garden all must sometimes see,

    Gethsemane, Gethsemane,

    Somewhere his own Gethsemane.

With joyous steps we go our ways,

Love lends a halo to our days,

Light sorrows sail like clouds afar,

We laugh and say how strong we are.

We hurry on, and, hurrying, go

Close to the borderland of woe

That waits for you and waits for me;

    Gethsemane, Gethsemane,

    Forever waits Gethsemane.

Down shadowy lanes, across strange streams,

Bridged over by our broken dreams,

Behind the misty caps of years,

Close to the great salt fount of tears

The garden lies ; strive as you may,

You cannot miss it on your way.

    All paths that have been, or shall be

    Pass somewhere through Gethsemane.

All those who journey soon or late,

Must pass within the garden's gate ;

Must kneel alone in darkness there,

And battle with some fierce despair.

God pity those who cannot say :

“Not mine, but thine;” who only pray,

“Let this cup pass;” and cannot see

The purpose in Gethsemane.

    Gethsemane, Gethsemane,

    God help us through Gethsemane.

                        —Ella Wheeler Wilcox.

Better Than Paradise

 As I started to swipe my page to the right, updating to the new week of the "Come Follow Me" program, I stopped.  The art by Kendal Ray Johnson at the top of the page caught my eye...and then my heart.

The title was particularly arresting: "Better than Paradise." I paused.

I thought about the choice of Adam and Eve to make the hard choice to have children and, thus, leave their paradise garden.

I thought about the choices newly married couples make to have children and, thus, leave their "paradise garden" of more carefully structured lives, travel, freedom and finances--replacing it with the chaos and uncertainty that children bring.

I thought about the choices of millions of people to make family and relationships a priority and, thus, leave their "paradise garden" of carefully controlled isolation.  A "paradise" of perceived control.

Relationships and families are messy.  Having children brings SUCH heartache, struggle and disruption of a carefully idealized world.  Sometimes we have to create families or relationships that seem--at first--less than ideal through adoption or foster care or volunteering.  But I've never heard a parent or foster parent or volunteer say that it wasn't worth it to create those relationships.

Family relationships of any kind are completely worth it.  They are BETTER than paradise.

I hear of more and more young people making the choice to delay having children because they want to "finish this" or "experience this" or "get ready this way."  Family sizes are shrinking, often becoming non-existent in people's fear of leaving their personal Gardens to embrace the imperfection, uncertainty and completely real burdens that relationships and families bring into one's life.

But they are missing so much.

My joy, my heartache, my struggle and my sacrifice is so real, but I believe I have found a truer, deeper paradise in the middle of so much uncertainty and perceived imperfection.

And there is truly "no other way."

Better than paradise, indeed.

"Healing" not "broken"

 Ever felt "broken"?  More importantly, ever yearned for healing?

What is "broken"?

First, let's start where we're at.  Officially defined, "broken" means:

1. having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order.

"he had a broken arm"

2. (of a person) having given up all hope; despairing.

"he went to his grave a broken man"

3. having breaks or gaps in continuity.

"a broken white line across the road"

4. (of speech or a language) spoken falteringly, as if overcome by emotion, or with many mistakes, as by a foreigner.

"a young man talking in broken Italian"

5. having an uneven and rough surface.

"broken ground"

We can see ourselves as "broken" in many ways, but generally we recognize it when in relation to others or a feeling of "not quite right."

My son Hyrum's leg was broken. Unknown to us, he has a "bone bar" that was making it so one leg wasn't growing.  At all.  Over time he was becoming more and more knock-kneed but the change was so gradual, we didn't notice.  At one point, his leg started swelling up, his knee kept getting dislocated...we started paying attention. 

Several experts and several surgeries later--one including a deliberate break of his leg bone and inserting the wedge of someone else's bone--our Hyrum was on his path to ultimate healing.

What is "healing"?

Yesterday, speaking with a good friend, I spoke of my yearning to be healed, feeling it was always out of reach.  "It's a journey," she replied.  I instantly thought: a journey to where?

And it hit me. 

To be healed, is to align ourselves with truth.

We are going to constantly be in a state of "healing" until we are ultimately like our Father in Heaven, whose ways and paths are so intimately aligned with the truths of the universe that no "healing" is necessary.

When our bones are healed, they operate more truly.

When our souls are healed, the energies around us flow more truly through us and operate beautifully.

The take-home

I have despaired so many times in my pursuit of "being healed."  I keep thinking that if I can just figure out what is "broken" in my life, then finally I will be able to sit comfortably at peace.  And in a sense, that is true.  I keep arriving a plateaus of peace. But what if I am on an eternal journey of realigning my heart, soul, body and mind with truths?  What if I cannot identify certain truths until preliminary truths are identified?

I have seen myself as "broken," which feels so final.  So dismal.  And I despair.

But to see myself as healing is so much more hopeful!...to know that my healing journey is a discovery of truths that I can align myself with is a beautiful quest and not an absolute acceptance of being "broken."

I KNOW that as we seek to draw nearer to God, the truths that we are not observing will become more apparent.  We will know the next one in our soul--our personal readjustment.  God is the ultimate physician, the ultimate expert, and like the doctors in Hyrum's healing process, sometimes He needs to break us. Sometimes He puts others into our lives. Sometimes it takes several "surgeries."  But the resulting healing is beautiful.

In the end, our healing will include lives full of truth...coursing with truth principles.

And it will be beautiful, for we will be like God.  

For God is truth.

The Burden of Decision Making

 I just had a huge breakthrough moment mentally and need to write my way through it.  (Warning: wordy and very personal.)

It's all about decisions. Making them. The consequences. The pain. The Purpose.

Decision Awareness

For years I and many around me have struggled to make decisions. Why is that? Why do we have a hard time making decisions?

I am reminded of the time that I read “What Is Seen And Not Seen?,” a short essay by Bastiat that apparently the Founding Fathers really liked. While largely a social economy essay, the main concept is that we cannot see the rippling effect of each choice. Writers and speakers today refer to it as the “Butterfly Effect”: a butterfly's wings move air that can ultimately become a hurricane.

So each of our decisions has that same effect. From the looks we give to the blatant actions we take, each motion, each microdecision has an impact—from individual to widespread. And I believe that it is in the awareness of effects we can see coupled with the unperceived reality of what we don't see that makes ...each...decision...so...hard.

My entire life I have been acquiring an increased awareness of my social footprint. The more I learn, the more I study, the more I am exposed to different people, places, cultures and ideas—honestly, the more I just live in awareness of the effects of my actions—the more I learn about:

-how people respond

-how people can be loved

-how people can be hurt

-the power of manipulation

-the power of inspiration

-the history of hurt

-the history of impact

-cause and effect of motivation

-cause and effect of each individual choice.

Often my mind will be a whirlwind of the possibility of a moment. For instance, Xai just came up to me. Instantly my desire to give him a big hug and start interacting with him warred with my feelings that I need to write down these thoughts. Thoughts race about IMPACT:

-of neglect,

-of thoughts left to create chaos and unrest in my brain and psyche

-of each microsecond of pausing in making the next decision

-of even the attitude with which I deliver that finally made decision.

I have always struggled to determine the right decision. In my idealistic world, there was a way to always do the right thing so whenever I made decisions that yielded negative impacts—whether through personal weakness and choice or ignorance—I berated myself. When it was a genuine sin, I learned how to find solace in repentance, although I definitely had a hard time forgiving myself. When it was pain or hurt caused in others or disorder or imperfection created through my decision making, it was like I gave myself permission to scold, hate and even mentally scourge myself.

Mental Scourging

This was a largely unaware process, a default that I generated at some stage of my development; but it became acceptable.

It became engrained.

It became right.

And when I ran over Isaak, it became the new complete reality.

Finally, I had crossed the line over irredeemable. I was faced with many decisions, the biggest one immediately following was to live or die. Again, the ripple effect of possibilities rolled before me: take my life and stop causing pain and horror in the lives of others or keep living and keep inflicting pain.

If I took my life, my family would have to suffer more immediate mourning. The children would be left to face life with a mother who killed herself and the emotional, psychological damage of unforeseen magnitude of that action. If I lived, I would be there to keep causing pain and suffering through my ignorance, ineptness, or choice.

While currently I can see the flaws in this mental state, it was the reality that spring day on the back patio at our house in Kearns in 2003.

I obviously chose the previous option.

Moving forward, I received different levels of healing and feelings of forgiveness. However, underlying it wall was this driving sense of....something. It translated into aggression, huge mood swings and almost constant self-belittlement. Every choice I made seemed to be not quite right. No matter what I chose, someone or something somewhere suffered for that choice.

And the weight had become oppressive.

Even to not make a choice is a choice in itself to be weighed in the balance.

A few years ago, I had a deep and cleansing healing experience with reference to Isaak's death that left me feeling like a new baby with a clean slate. It was a transformational level of healing that alleviated years of inner self-disgust regarding that one horrific day. It was an incalculable respite from that burden.

For a while, that was enough. I basked in the lightness I felt. The inner self-acceptance.

Love yourself

But then something started pricking. I couldn't relax and not feel like a terrible person. I couldn't just sit and enjoy my family. Apparently, I wasn't just compensating for the tragic loss I had caused. Apparently, there was something else happening internally that was torquing my ability to feel content with myself.

What was it?

I began “hearing” whiffs of it in my prayers, which became stronger and stronger over time.

Love yourself.

At first, whenever I felt that I would immediately scoff. I would make excuses. I would justify why that was particularly selfish.

And then I started realizing how deeply that one omission was affecting me. It was preventing me from opening up myself to share in a loving relationship with others. Oh, I could see everyone else's blinding beauty and worth! But I've come to realize that I then tried to either make myself worthy of that relationship or didn't open myself up, fearing my ugliness within would hurt or bore or annoy them. It was painful. It was heavy. It was laced with that same self-belittlement that, logically, I knew was not healthy, correct, and even selfish. But then I would hate myself more for hating myself. Whew. It was exhausting.

However, I was beginning to see the truth behind the commandment, “Love your neighbor as yourself” with its inherent reversal, “Love yourself like your neighbor.” I could feel my ability to love curbed as I tried to control the impact I had on others....always failing. Because I had strong habits of berating myself, sometimes in moments of heat, those thought patterns would transfer onto those around me. It is very hard to change inner dialogue from hate to love on a dime, especially in moments of duress.  I prayed for God to show me how.

Those who know me, know how intense I can get. Imagine that, directed at my soul, rife with disgust. Oh, I had many times free of it, when the world around me, the Spirit, etc would help me find joy in what was going on and peace did penetrate myself. But there was definitely no underlying base of worth or acceptance that existed. It just sat there in my soul, rearing its nasty head when I was struggling or under duress.

Each decision caused pain, burdens, hurt or annoyance somewhere. Every moment I felt like I was weighing the “good, better, best” of that moment and no matter my good intentions, I just couldn't stop hurting people. I came to relish times of being away from everyone, attributing it to some “introvert” quality. And I felt bad for yearning to be away from everyone, even those I loved.

How could that be right? I was definitely stuck.

The Problem of Pain

As I pondered how to move forward, finally seeing the cage I was in, I started reflecting on pain.

Over the years, I would cry out to heaven, “Please take me away so I stop causing pain!!”

However, lately I started thinking: was I really that determined to not cause pain? Is pain so bad? Spending a lifetime avoiding pain is not only unhealthy but unrealistic. (Yes, the line from “Princess Bride” is perfect here: “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling you something.”) I also was mindful of the experience and strength that comes through certain kinds of pain. And I didn't shirk much from pain caused to myself if it was for a higher cause.

So was “the ideal” to not experience pain? No, it couldn't be. But was it right for me to cause pain? Just because pain is an inevitable part of existence, is it okay to deliberately cause it? That doesn't seem right either.

I think often about Eve and her decision in the Garden of Eden. Up until very recently, I felt like her struggle to decide to partake of the fruit—“Is there no other way?”—lay in the fact that she was bringing pain into the world. Her decision would cause pain. But as I write that now, how could the factor of “pain” be part of that decision? She didn't know what “pain” even was at that point....

...which leads me to the HUGE EPIPHANY that I had this week.

The True Burden of Choice

On Wednesday, my bishop counseled me to consider why God loves me. I KNOW He loves me more completely than I know pretty much anything else due to some very sacred experiences I have had over the years. But I have struggled to feel worthy of that love.

As I pondered the Bishop's request, a few things came to mind.

1. I really am a nice person. I love to serve. I can be mean. I am not perfect. But overall, I am nice.
2. I have a soul that loves purely.
3. I live with integrity. almost maniacally always trying to make the “right” decision.

So what was the problem? I knew that the Atonement was there for me. Why did I feel such despair currently? I just kept feeling like no matter what I did, no matter how much I tried to honor God's laws, I just kept being unworthy or horrible or ugly.

Then it hit me. I don't remember how. I think it was when I was listening to 2 Nephi 2, when we learn that the Atonement paid the price for the transgression of the Fall. It hit me: there were two commandments.

1. Multiply and replenish the earth
2. Don't eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil

It was impossible to do both. And they had to make the choice. I don't buy the whole scenario, “God didn't come down in time to stop them from making a bad choice.” Really?? He was distracted??

I don't think so.

And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.

And they would have had no children.

So they had to make a choice. A choice that caused a lot of pain. A choice that caused progression. An obedient choice.

God knew that they would violate one commandment or the other, either by omission or commission. And there was a plan in place.  Going back to 2 Nephi 2:

But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things....

And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law

Christ paid the price.

They had two laws in conflict with each other, and Christ paid the price for the law that they were violating in order to honor the law that was highest at that moment!!

And that day, it hit me.

Each book of scripture begins with choice: a choice where two laws are in conflict..

1. Doctrine and Covenants, where we find Joseph Smith facing a decision to honor his trust with his commendable, supportive mentor, Martin Harris or to honor his faith in God's word that he not share the 116 pages with Martin's wife.

2. Mary and Joseph are confronted with the decision to honor God's direct instruction or honor social and moral constructs of their day and their religion.

3. Nephi is instructed by an angel to kill Laban, going counter to the 10 Commandments—also the word of God.

4. And Adam and Eve were given two commandments in the Garden of Eden: go forth and multiply and don't eat of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

This whole life, every choice we make, is a decision between laws. And when we honorably and with integrity decide to honor the law that we feel is highest at the moment, Christ's atonement will pay the price for our transgression of any lower law!  And the Atonement heals, supports, loves, pays the price, and makes all things whole.

We see it in the scriptures:

-Abraham and Isaac: kill your son or take care of your son

-The widow of Nain: feed the prophet or feed your child

-Jesus Christ: ointment for His feet or feed the poor; Mary and Martha—serve or be instructed

-The Anti-Nephi-Lehis and Captain Moroni: take up or lay down your weapons.

We see it in our lives:

-have a devotional with older kids or play a game with my littles.
-invest in creating productions that my kids are in or stop and take time to go on a walk
-save for the future or use the money for the poor
-take a needed break or make a house of order.
-correct a child or let the Spirit teach them.

-honor inspiration to have another child or spend more time with the kids I already feel overwhelmed to meet the needs of.

My struggle is mostly in how I spend my time:
-serve in church or serve my family
-spend time reading my scriptures or exercising
-date with my husband or snuggle with the kids to sleep.

I would work and work to stream-line and create a schedule that perfectly balanced my time so there was no neglect, no trangression.  And it just wouldn't ever seem to work! 

I was caught up in bearing the burden for the many, many ways I was transgressing laws as I make decisions. I was feeling so dirty and unacceptable. I have to make choices—even the choice to NOT make a choice—and the knowledge and increased awareness I have gained over the years was helping me see more and more the effect of my choices. How could I be a good person and be creating so much actual and potential for pain and heartache? Even at the end of a day where I felt I had done my best, all day long, I would hurt, especially when I was already feeling tired or vulnerable.

A case in point: a few nights ago, Penelope was struggling to go to sleep; Liesl and Eli were upset that I wasn't snuggling with them until they went to sleep, and I had asked Maia and Piper to play a game with me since I missed doing things with them in our busy schedule. It tore me apart. Kids were crying or waiting or whining. I was so frustrated. I was so sad.

All those transgressions just added up. And I couldn't see how Christ would or should forgive me of them if I had gone into the decision with my eyes wide open to the negative cost of those decisions. Surely there must be some way to not cause that pain or potential ripples of negativity.

Apparently not.

Apparently that lesson is important enough it is practically the first lesson of each book of scripture.

We have to make hard choices. The highest law is the one God is telling us to do at that very moment. And we can trust Him that the Atonement will redeem us from the effects of transgressing the law that is lesser at the moment as we act with integrity. I can live with that.

So is this life about making decisions? Absolutely. Making decisions that honor whatever the Higher Law is at the moment. That is what God does constantly, make decisions guided by the highest Law at the moment. He weeps at the pain. He rejoices at the beauty. 

And we are all seeking to become like Him. 

 I think I am starting to get the Purpose of decisions.

I feel peace.

Weeping

 My heart is so full of sadness right now.

I watched Hyrum's last football game for the season last night.  It was about 2.5 hours away but we were super excited.  Both teams had a completely losing season (yes, solid "zeroes" in the win column) so one of them was going to come away with a win.  Our little team had a chance!

Federal Hocking started the first several games of the season with one touchdown.

One.

On game five or six (can't remember which), they did the unbelievable...they scored against one of their harder teams!  And then they scored again. And again.  And again!! In fact, they came back enough to pressure the other team to knee it and run down the clock to make sure we didn't win!  It was like the culmination of what was happening off the field (coupled with some amazing cheering on the part of my family, I might add...) had made for an almost win on the field. 

And the boys walked off that field like champions.

Since then, I have made sure that I could be at every game. Most of the time, the cheerleaders don't even come--or really cheer--especially if it's an away game.  I get it.  For the last four years, Federal Hocking hasn't even finished its seasons due to various reasons!  I have loved our coach for sticking with it...especially since that includes mentoring my boy. My sweet Hyrum.  And each of those last few games you could feel the increased confidence of our team.  Yes, they still didn't win; but they were playing more like they could win. It was inspiring to feel their heart!

But then, there was last night.

I felt like I was watching a re-run of "Remember the Titans," the part where they play a game against blatant discrimination on the part of the refs.  It was so ugly.

Every time our team got close to making a touchdown, we would be called for something nit-picky.

Every time the other team couldn't make a first down, a penalty that more often than naught I had never heard called in the season before would be called.  Or it was obviously not one.  For instance, one time, no less than four of our guys moved in unison previous to the snap on defense.  Four guys cannot coordinate something like that on the line.  The offensive team had to have done a "false start."  The call?  "Illegal procedure on the defense"...basically a "false start" equivalent for the defense.  

But the worst part?  The missed calls that could hurt our boys.  The missed calls that did hurt our boys.

Helmet to helmet.

Late hits...way off the sideline and right in front of the ref.

Blocks in the back.

And the final straw?  They didn't call the play dead and one of our boys was so injured he ended up going to the hospital after sobbing on the field in pain. I've never seen that magnitude in these games.  

Now, I am not a ref judger generally. To me, if you're willing to ref high school football in these lowest of leagues, kudos to you!!  But call it both ways!  And don't let the boys get hurt. 

The final score? 44-0.  Congrats, refs. You kept us from scoring. And you got one of our players severely hurt.  I seethed.

The reason?  Not because our team lost. Honestly, the other team had a great running team and it could have been a really fun match-up.  The reason is because my boys came to play with heart and the refs did everything they could to make sure they couldn't make things work. 

I mean, come on!  This is a team that is the bottom of the barrel. Persisting with heart, knowing they will probably lose, but still showing up on the field with heads held up, time and again, doing their best.   It just broke my heart.  And I wept.

I saw the young men being put into jeopardy with a game with such one-sided-ness that I was truly dumbfounded.

****

Later it hit me.  Our coach is black.  We have a player that is black.  And we were playing just across the Mason-Dixon line with referees that were probably from Kentucky.  And this was back-water country.  Could it truly have been prejudice?

Looking back, there is really no other explanation how a group of five grown men could so blatantly call the way they did on a game between the two losing-est teams in the program.  I marveled at it last night and wonder now...did I really just witness what happened in "Remember the Titans" in person?

I raise my kids to love everyone. And they do.  They've had friends of different races, religions, social statuses and sexual orientations and never batted an eye.  My kids see people.  I see people.  We read, we discuss, we watch meaningful media that shows the ugly of discrimination and we as a family stand strongly against any discrimination.  We get angry and we weep.

And that's what we did last night.  Quinn got angry and I wept.

I know God weeps when He sees this in whatever magnitude happen among his children and read that verse this morning.  It is from the section of scripture translated by Joseph Smith from ancient papyrus called "The Book of Moses."

Moses 7:26 And he [Enoch] beheld Satan; and he had a great ^achain in his hand, and it veiled the whole face of the earth with ^bdarkness; and he looked up and ^claughed, and his ^dangels rejoiced...

28 And it came to pass that the God of heaven looked upon the ^aresidue of the people, and he wept; and Enoch bore record of it, saying: How is it that the heavens weep, and shed forth their tears as the rain upon the mountains?

29 And Enoch said unto the Lord: How is it that thou canst ^aweep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity?

30 And were it possible that man could number the particles of the earth, yea, millions of ^aearths like this, it would not be a beginning to the number of thy ^bcreations; and thy curtains are stretched out still; and yet thou art there, and thy bosom is there; and also thou art just; thou art merciful and kind forever;... from all eternity to all eternity; and naught but peace, ^bjustice, and truth is the habitation of thy throne; and mercy shall go before thy face and have no end; how is it thou canst ^cweep?

32 The Lord said unto Enoch: Behold these thy brethren; they are the workmanship of mine own ^ahands, and I gave unto them their ^bknowledge, in the day I created them; and in the Garden of Eden, gave I unto man his ^cagency;

33 And unto thy brethren have I said, and also given commandment, that they should ^alove one another, and that they should choose me, their Father; but behold, they are without affection, and they ^bhate their own blood;

34 And the ^afire of mine ^bindignation is kindled against them; and in my hot displeasure will I send in the ^cfloods upon them, for my fierce anger is kindled against them.

35 Behold, I am God; ^aMan of Holiness is my name; Man of Counsel is my name; and Endless and Eternal is my ^bname, also.

36 Wherefore, I can stretch forth mine hands and hold all the ^acreations which I have made; and mine eye can pierce them also, and among all the workmanship of mine hands there has not been so great ^bwickedness as among thy brethren.

37 But behold, their sins shall be upon the heads of their fathers; Satan shall be their father, and misery shall be their doom; and the whole heavens shall weep over them, even all the workmanship of mine hands; wherefore should not the heavens weep, seeing these shall suffer?

38 But behold, these which thine eyes are upon shall perish in the floods; and behold, I will shut them up; a ^aprison have I prepared for them.

39 And ^athat which I have chosen hath pled before my face. Wherefore, he ^bsuffereth for their sins; inasmuch as they will repent in the day that my ^cChosen shall return unto me, and until that day they shall be in ^dtorment;

40 Wherefore, for this shall the heavens weep, yea, and all the workmanship of mine hands....

44 And as Enoch saw this, he had ^abitterness of soul, and wept over his brethren, and said unto the heavens: I will refuse to be ^bcomforted; but the Lord said unto Enoch: Lift up your heart, and be glad; and look.

45 And it came to pass that Enoch looked; and from Noah, he beheld all the families of the earth; and he cried unto the Lord, saying: When shall the day of the Lord come? When shall the blood of the Righteous be shed, that all they that mourn may be ^asanctified and have eternal life?

46 And the Lord said: It shall be in the ^ameridian of time, in the days of wickedness and vengeance.

47 And behold, Enoch ^asaw the day of the coming of the Son of Man, even in the flesh; and his soul rejoiced, saying: The Righteous is lifted up, and the ^bLamb is slain from the foundation of the world; and through ^cfaith I am in the bosom of the Father, and behold, ^dZion is with me....

58 And again Enoch wept and cried unto the Lord, saying: When shall the earth ^arest?...

60 And the Lord said unto Enoch: As I live, even so will I come in the ^alast days, in the days of wickedness and vengeance, to fulfil the ^boath which I have made unto you concerning the children of Noah;

61 And the day shall come that the earth shall ^arest, but before that day the heavens shall be ^bdarkened, and a ^cveil of darkness shall cover the earth; and the heavens shall shake, and also the earth; and great tribulations shall be among the children of men, but my people will I ^dpreserve;

62 And ^arighteousness will I send down out of heaven; and truth will I send forth out of the earth, to bear ^btestimony of mine Only Begotten; his ^cresurrection from the dead; yea, and also the resurrection of all men; and righteousness and truth will I cause to sweep the earth as with a flood, to ^dgather out mine elect from the four quarters of the earth, unto a place which I shall prepare, an Holy City, that my people may gird up their loins, and be looking forth for the time of my coming; for there shall be my tabernacle, and it shall be called ^eZion, a ^fNew Jerusalem.

63 And the Lord said unto Enoch: Then shalt thou and all thy ^acity meet them there, and we will ^breceive them into our bosom, and they shall see us; and we will fall upon their necks, and they shall fall upon our necks, and we will kiss each other;

64 And there shall be mine abode, and it shall be Zion, which shall come forth out of all the creations which I have made; and for the space of a ^athousand years the ^bearth shall ^crest.

 I am grateful that there will be peace. I am grateful that there will be rest. And, yes, especially after last night, I am grateful that there will be that time when those refs will have to look and see with open eyes what they were truly doing on that field last night and who they were truly hurting.

It broke my heart.  All those enduring, hard-working, big-hearted young men.

God is mindful. There will be peace and rest.  In the meanwhile, may I chose to make this experience make be better, more aware, more compassionate.

*****

Email I wrote:

Dear OHSAA coordinators,

I applaud our officials who are willing to help.  I recognize how hard it is to be on the field with a crowd that is often unsupportive.  In my cheering, I always focus on being supportive of our players rather than critical of officiating, knowing how challenging it can be.

However, last night in the game of Federal Hocking vs. Manchester, I saw a game called so blatantly one-sided that it became dangerous.  Helmets to helmets, hits in the back, horsecollaring, very late hits on the sideline right in front of the official...it broke my heart.

Both teams had very losing seasons.  Both groups of boys were just there to play.  It could have been a great match-up and we still might have lost.  But by the second quarter, I just couldn't deny that the calls were not only going one way but were even being used to control the game.  It just sickened me. 

I didn't approve of the personal verbal attacks by my fellow crowd members against the referees.  However, I feel that many of the moments addressed by some of the crowd in outraged disbelief bear looking into. 

When that tragic moment came (with a late call after a pile-up in the fourth quarter) and one of our players was left on the field sobbing because of an injury that could have been prevented by calling the play dead, I think one of the refs finally recognized the effect of what they were doing. He took a knee for our boy and I really appreciated that.  I just wish that the referees could somehow know what their actions did so that they will never do it again. 

I don't know if it was because our coach was black, or if they had their own boys on the other team (they were obviously pretty chummy with the other coaching team). I just don't know why.  All I know is that ithe game became dangerous and that is why we have the rules in the game. Not only is that injured young man's future in sports compromised by the referees' officiating, but they did something more, something ugly, something sad in using their power against these high school players who honestly, have been playing with nothing but heart all season, showing up game after game, loss after loss, still giving it their all.

I just wanted that final game for them, that final moment for them to play.  And that was taken away from them by one-sided officiating.  Who can compete against that?

I don't know what you have in your power to do. Please review the game and see for yourselves.  I don't want any kind of retribution or punishment. I just want there to be an awareness of the situation so hopefully this kind of tragedy won't happen again.

Respectfully yours,

Mary Biesinger

Parent of Federal Hocking student 

p.s.  Our injured player received such severe injuries he was taken to the hospital.