God is with us

http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/mormon-messages?v=3446112587001&cid=HPWE040914672

God is with us.  Even in our darkest hours.  In fact, especially in our darkest hours.  I know this is true.

On the other side of my wall...

I tend to think deeply and passionately about things...not necessarily correctly, I openly admit, but deeply and passionately.  I have conversation after conversation with people I know and love in my head, conversations that never actually take place. I remember distinctly sitting on the hot black vinyl seat in the car next to my dad on our way to his work, having a conversation with him, only to realize at the end that I had never actually spoken one single word.

When I actually delve into open deep and passionate discussions with the sweetly willing few, I am not always very good at articulating what I say, and say many things that might be construed as hurtful or antagonistic, as I seek to verbalize those emotions and passions and turbulent thoughts that are within me.  I tend to speak words and phrases experimentally, seeking for the Spirit to confirm if what I said accurately reflects truth...or not :).  I distinctly recognize the feeling when I have spoken something that is untrue, or even hurtful. :S But on the other side of this experimentation is so often delicious, beautiful truth!

However, it is a process of experimentation with communication, an experimentation that has so often been a barrier to understanding.  Those I seek deeper understanding with are often understandably hurt by my ofttimes incorrect, arrogant, or antagonistic expressions that I use to seek to find those words that articulate how I feel and what is right.  I don't start trying to offend people.  I love the truth, and recognize that just because I love and trust someone, it doesn't always mean that what they say is true.  When I have conversations like this, these truth-seeking conversations, their opinions and thoughts may be just as correct--and just as invalid!--as I recognize my own to be and I may openly disagree with them in my pursuit of truth and that beautiful confirmation of the Spirit.

The Lord's way is not contention...for contention is of the devil (3 Ne. 11).  Sometimes, when I have these conversations, there is an ugly feeling, a feeling that is not of the Spirit. No truth can come from that, so I often find myself floundering in the middle of a discussion--throwing out words and expressions--, seeking a course of speech that will regain the Spirit.  It is not always pretty.  Sometimes, I can see it is painful or uncomfortable to the one I am speaking with and I hurt and often stop.  I hate offending or hurting people almost as much as I love the truth, so it is an ugly line I walk.  Even in this post, I am sure I have posted phrases and expressions that may be construed as hurtful, offensive, or arrogant. 

Sigh.  There are so many times that I want to just sit in my room, bottle up, and not leave...not talk...not email, so I don't hurt anyone else.  (I cannot tell you how hard it was to stay with people after accidentally killing my own son.  However, God had other ideas in mind for me, it would seem, and I could only do what He would have me do in a situation such as that. ) It is a constant battle.

So, to those of you who know me and run into this "wall,"  this wall of intensity, this wall of Mary's imperfect truth-seeking tactics, please understand and know my intention is not to hurt when that happens.  I try to stop as soon as I can see that the conversation is painful or offensive, but am not always good at that, such is my love for that elusive true-ness of speech that has so often been so delightfully discovered on the other side of that uncomfortable, ugly wall.

There it is: an imperfect look, using imperfect words, to look at an imperfect being...but a being that loves deeply, even those she may inadvertantly hurt in her pursuit of her most-beloved truth.

Just throw it away and use the Lord's scale

There is a very interesting part of "A River Runs Through It" that was recently brought to my attention:

Check it out (it's about 5 minutes in):

(If the video doesn't work, you should be able to click on the image to go to it on youtube.)

The dad just throws the paper away!!  I am the queen of saving every cute and adorable paper that has my children's scribbles on them..."look at what they have done!" 

In a recent article by Andrew Pudewa, "Process verses Product: What matters more?" he uses this example to address his point:

This short scene illustartates something we so easily forget: Teaching a skill is more about process, less about product.  Honestly, the essay of the moment is often not worth keeping; it merely represents another step on the pathway of mastery.

But as Americans we are easily obsessed with products.  We want to obtain the writing sample we can hang on the refrigerator or proudly place in a portfolio.  Beliveing that what a student produces is proof of what has been learned, we put great weight on "finishing" a "final copy" and hope that the porduct is "good enough" so "he'll be ready for college."...But what are we really doing, and what is our real goal?" (http://bluetoad.com/publication/?i=199029 page 6)                   

It reminds me of a quote in a recent article I read, that what we do with our knowledge is more important than how much knowledge we have.

We cling to the success of the moment, thinking it will win us worldy acknowledgement, give us that boost of self-esteem, or validate our existence and will us our eternal glory.

Here is another great article, titled "Truth, Lies, and Your Self-Worth" from lds. org that reinforces this, particularly the section titled: "Lie: Self-esteem comes from worldly success" and the following section:

Lie: Self-esteem comes from worldly success.
This lie is related to the one about comparing yourself to others. Who determines what success is? Everyone’s definition may be a little different. And when you base your self-worth on achievements, you’re only telling yourself that you’re as good as your latest achievement. That’s simply not true.
Truth: God’s view and expectations are what matter.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf has taught, “Disciples of Jesus Christ understand that compared to eternity, our existence in this mortal sphere is only ‘a small moment’ in space and time (D&C 121:7). They know that a person’s true value has little to do with what the world holds in high esteem. … The Lord uses a scale very different from the world’s to weigh the worth of a soul” (“You Matter to Him,” Ensign, Nov. 2011, 20, 22).

Once again, you can overcome this lie by following the Lord’s way and being more concerned about His definition of success than the world’s. If you can consistently feel the companionship of the Spirit in your life, then it means you’re living the way the Lord wants. And if you do feel like you’ve failed in the Lord’s eyes, remember that you can come back through repentance

Another great quote:

Some years ago Elder Dallin H. Oaks explained: “The Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts—what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become.”¹

 

When the load seems heavy to bear...

I woke up feeling pretty down, lonely, overwhelmed and discouraged.

Then, an amazing husband made me some delicious waffles with strawberries on top, and an inspired daughter suggested an amazing talk on the sacrament by Elder Holland:

On some days we will have cause to remember the unkind treatment he received, the rejection he experienced, and the injustice—oh, the injustice—he endured. When we, too, then face some of that in life, we can remember that Christ was also troubled on every side, but not distressed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed (see 2 Cor. 4:8–9).

When those difficult times come to us, we can remember that Jesus had to descend below all things before he could ascend above them, and that he suffered pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind that he might be filled with mercy and know how to succor his people in their infirmities (see D&C 88:6; Alma 7:11–12).

To those who stagger or stumble, he is there to steady and strengthen us. In the end he is there to save us, and for all this he gave his life. However dim our days may seem they have been darker for the Savior of the world.

In fact, in a resurrected, otherwise perfected body, our Lord of this sacrament table has chosen to retain for the benefit of his disciples the wounds in his hands and his feet and his side—signs, if you will, that painful things happen even to the pure and perfect. Signs, if you will, that pain in this world is not evidence that God doesn’t love you. It is the wounded Christ who is the captain of our soul—he who yet bears the scars of sacrifice, the lesions of love and humility and forgiveness.

Those wounds are what he invites young and old, then and now, to step forward and see and feel (see 3 Ne. 11:15; 3 Ne. 18:25). Then we remember with Isaiah that it was for each of us that our Master was “despised and rejected … ; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief” (Isa. 53:3).

 What a fantastic answer to a prayer.  My load is still there, but it feels lighter :).

When a child weeps...

He cried.

I held my baby in his arms and heard his cries, his pleas.  He wanted the warm milk in my body and I could not give it to him.  It was there, a silent reminder of what he yearned for, but I knew that I could not give it to him.

You see, I was diagnosed with an infection, cellulitis, and had to start some heavy antibiotics since I had not started my herbal regiment soon enough.  And those antibiotics would invariably be in that milk my baby was crying out for.

As I held my child in my arms, weeping, knowing that yet another tender point in my stage of motherhood had just been passed, I comforted him, rubbing his back, rocking to him, singing, trying to fill the ache of his need through my love.  You see, nursing is much more than simply giving nourishment...it can be a gentle, tender, and beautiful moment to bond with your child.

This morning, as I reflected on that experience, it reminded me of our relationship with our Heavenly Father.  So often we yearn and cry for that which we think we need, things that have brought us pleasure in the past but are no longer what is best for us:
--that new job with an increase in pay
--a perfect vacation
--a car without problems
--the quick sale of our house (hmmm...)
--healing from a disease
 I wonder if, in those moments, our Heavenly Father lovingly holds us as we weep, as I did my little one, tenderly embracing us and loving us...knowing what we want but knowing that to give it to us would actually do more harm than good...that it could, in fact, be deadly, whether deadly to our spirit or our body.

The love that our Father in Heaven has for us is incredible.  Oh, how His heart must ache to hear us cry so!  How deep His love must be to keep from us what is not best!  May I trust Him....

Integrity, painful but good!

I have been really looking at integrity this month.  It is the focus of our study this month, in conjunction with our general focus of society and the rules and laws that make it up...very relevant, wouldn't you say?  I mean, who doesn't want integrity as they deal with other people as well as from their government?

So, I have read a bunch of interesting articles and books to go with it that I would recommend:
-Pride and Prejudice
-Lord of the Flies (compare the two...an interesting look!)

-Personal integrity talk by Elder Worthlin
-Elder Anderson's talk about teaching with faith, hope, and charity

-"An Anatomy of Peace" by the Arbinger Institute (still working on it)

-Several of the selections on the link: https://www.lds.org/service/teaching-the-gospel/principles-and-methods-of-teaching?lang=eng

These articles and books have made me look at my government, my assumptions, my groups, and particular my teaching and my actions and how integrity plays a part in them.  It has been painful and powerful.

For instance, I had a conversation with a young man in our acting group.  He expressed his attitude that he doesn't enjoy things he is good at because they are boring.  So he only goes half way, figuratively speaking, to do them.  I told him that if we use our talents all the way, in a way that blesses and serves then often we find out that we are and become better than we think we were.  On the flip side, I know many people--one example in particular--where people have not used their talents (like in the parable!) and they end up losing it.  In the example I was thinking of, a woman of great talent, who used to sing in competitions as a youth.  However, as she has grown older, she has not shared it and has admitted to me that she has lost the gift.  So sad!

On the flip side, as a youth, I was only an average singer, but was inspired by my parents, my dad in particular, to sing in ward choirs and whenever I was asked to.  We sang weekly in church, at home, and on the road.  Over the years, as I have continued this tradition of music, I have noticed my voice steadily getting better, and, while it still can definitely improve, now my little Primary kids  say, "You should sing opera!" (Obviously, they have never heard a real opera singer :)!)

But the point is...I have been blessed as I have used my talent to serve.

Now, for the painful part.

We are singing a song in our choir.  One that reminds me of my dad's favorite songs (nothing personal, dad :)...), the ones that came out of the 60's and should have stayed there.  The ones with lots of gliss-y chords, old-fashioned combination of music and lyrics,...we all know which songs I am talking about :).  The ones the teenagers cringe to hear in Sacrament meeting...anyway.  Our choir director picked one (he actually reminds me a lot of my dad :), too!) and it is a doo-zy.  Quinn and I keep going, but the kids have dropped off.  I have not gone with the best heart or attitude.

As I sat slumped in my seat last week, going through the motions, the spirit whispered in my heart, "Are you singing your best to Me?"  I wasn't.  I was guilty as charged, hypocrite extraordinaire.  So I took a deep breath, raised my hand, and asked for help on the many parts that I hadn't applied myself to learning before.

And do you know what?  It felt good and as I sang, I felt my heart soften and feel joy as I sung.

***************

Another thing I have looked at is my methods in the classroom.  The link above about the classroom technique has really caused me to reflect on how I do things.  I am in a teaching position a lot...as a mom and as a mentor...and I talk way too much!  Anyway, like I said, things to work on!  Enjoy!

Stop it!

I just watched this powerful video about bullying and the harm done over phones and "sharing"...when we are "just being funny."

Oh, how precious we all are!

May our words and actions reflect that!

Pots, pies, and paradigms

Quinn and I had a great discussion with some people we knew about homeschooling last weekend. I loved talking with them, but sometimes wonder at the where God wants me to go...what He wants me to do. So many pots, so many pies…the influence is spreading and I feel such joy being God’s tool.  I just wish I were confident that I was enough of a mom at home.  I try to kiss the booboo’s, help encourage and expect peace and respect in the home, set an example, hug, kiss, and read enough.  Just yesterday, Lily told me, after I had tried to tickle a sword away from her at the Ferguson’s, “Mom, no one has tickled me for a long time.  It felt so good!”

Good thing to remember.

*********************

I had a slight paradime shift (even if I don’t know how to spell the silly word!)…oh wait!  Paradigm? Yep, that worked.  Anyway, it was as if I was getting a glimpse of Quinn…perhaps of him from his perspective.  The little boy inside that maybe sometimes feels like no one notices him, the man that his wife came back to “after everything else was taken care of,” the man known as “Mary’s husband” according to him. Funny, because I have always seen him as the confident leader, the man who didn’t need anything because he just is so confident and has it all together…but maybe he needs my love the way I desperately need his and just try not to demand it?  Maybe he is doing the same thing? 

 

I tried yesterday, after this “paradigm-shifting experience,” to treat him like the best friend that he is…the way that I would when we were engaged, “where is he?” “what is he doing?” “how can I show him I love him?”…you know, the way we do when we were first married.  It is funny how love can turn into a comfortable, “there” thing that just settles into a routine of it’s own, and, like all routines, requires less thought and emotional power to invest in and keep it going.  Love…what is it without emotion?  I guess it is something like they sing about in “Fiddler on the Roof,” which truly is still love, and I am grateful for that.   But don’t we all crave to be loved, admired, and sought out by at least one person?  What happens when the actions that accompany that love disappear…fade away…feel unimportant?

I do feel that love changes over time…and a degree of “comfortable-ness” is very, very desireable J.  However, the time and emotion we spend on routines become less…which is why we usually create routines, right, subconsciously or consciously?  But what happens when the deepest love of our life becomes routine?

It reminds me of an experience I had with my prayers a while back.  I started, and then mid-way started settling into my “routine” sayings as my mind wandered.  (This happens all too often.)  Realizing what was happening, I stopped myself.

I was hurting inside, and here I was at the threshold of the Master Physician of the Universe... babbling!  I started anew, and said, “Father, I am hurting.  I just want to feel you around me tonight.”

I knelt silently. The blanket of warmth that surrounded me was overpowering.  I felt Him.  I felt loved.  I felt safe.

But I had to focus on Him, focus on who He really was, not just a divine listening ear to my babblings, but my Father who had power to do something. 

What would happen if I really took time to focus on that person that has become part of the “routine” of my life?  Would he become more real, more powerful, too?

 

How to fix it?

I really blew it.

Sometimes I just ramble and say whatever comes to mind...and this time it really shot me in the foot.

I accidentally pocket-dialed someone and had the phone with me at the door of another person's house, and then said some things about the first person that didn't really reflect how I felt...something about how I didn't want to go to them because they might judge me too harshly.

Now, it wasn't the first person's problem that I was insecure and said those things.  However, the reality of what I had said, seemingly in the safe area away from them, hit home as I looked down at my phone and realized that, of all people, I had pocket-dialed that very person I said would judge me.

I don't know if this makes sense, but the reality of it is that I said something I didn't really mean, "filling up the silence" as I so often do with my ramblings, and said something that could hurt someone else. 

Shame on me.  I don't even know how to begin to fix it.  How do you say "sorry, I didn't really mean it.  I was just being self-conscious and blew it in my weakness."  It has made me really reflect upon why I would even say that. I made me realize how wrong I was, that the first person actually wouldn't have judged me...I just love them so much I don't want to disappoint them...and I turned that into a slight upon them.  Shame on me.

May I be more mindful of the power of my words.  For when it comes down to it, the words we say and even the thoughts and intents of our heart will be shouted from the mountain tops.  My control needs to start with my heart...and I need to teach it to love.

The Gems of Isaiah

I went to "Time out for Women" last weekend, and came away with some great scriptures (and some great memories with some great women :)...):

1 Cor 2:9 But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.

I have truly seen miracles in my life, and I am sure that I am very imperfect in showing my love...how merciful is the Lord!

Abraham 1: 2 And, finding there was greater ^ahappiness and peace and rest for me, I sought for the blessings of the fathers, and the right whereunto I should be ordained to administer the same; having been myself a follower of ^brighteousness, desiring also to be one who possessed great ^cknowledge, and to be a greater follower of righteousness, and to possess a greater knowledge, and to be a father of many ^dnations, a prince of peace, and ^edesiring to receive instructions, and to keep the commandments of God, I became a rightful heir, a ^fHigh Priest, holding the right belonging to the fathers.

What a beautiful example Abraham is!  The earnest yearnings of a heart that yield that happiness, peace, and rest!

Isaiah 1:16...cease to do evil;17 Learn to do well...

Wow...talk about a sermon in a nutshell!

Isaiah 52:2 Shake thyself from the dust; arise, and sit down, O Jerusalem: loose thyself from the bands of thy neck, O captive daughter of Zion.

What are we bound down by?  How are we captive?  In what ways must we choose to loose ourselves to be free?  John Hilton gave a great three step program to re-direct the energy we spend complaining into something productive and beautiful:
#1 Identify what it is that we are complaining about (pretty easy)
#2 Identify what we can do in the situation
#3 Do it and then let go of the rest (the hard part)

And when we do that, this is the promise:
Isaiah 61:3 ...to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

Isaiah 49:15 15 Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.
16 Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.

What a blessing to know how mindful he is of us...our "walls": challenges, set-backs, etc. Perhaps He is even more mindful of us during our times of trials than in our times of peace and tranquility.  I see it much as the increased awareness I have of my children when they are going through hard times.  I feel drawn to their pain, their distress, or their bad situations, and it tends to preoccupy me, often shutting out the other children who are calmly and peacefully going about their days.  "The squeaky wheel gets the grease," right?  It is also a blessing to know that in God's infinite capacity, He is with us during the peace and the pain.

Isaiah 43:1-3: 1 But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.
2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
3 For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel.

Ahhh...the gems of Isaiah.

Disciplining with an increase in love

Parenting can be so tricky.

You're supposed to love them and you're supposed to correct them.  It is a tricky balance.

Sometimes parenting happens this way: the parent, not wanting to say anything corrective (that's confrontational, right?) withdraws their love, hoping that the child will just "know" what is wrong and fix it, at which point the love is to be restored.

Unfortunately, the child often seems to be confused by this...they can feel that their parent is frustrated (withdrawn love is painfully obvious), but most likely they are uncertain exactly what it was that they did wrong that caused the withdrawal of that love.  Heaven knows we all know all sorts of things we do wrong--including the child--, but going through the head of that child is probably "which thing did I do wrong?" and, perhaps more tragic, "I guess when I do something wrong, then my parent will not love or approve of me."

Does God parent this way? Hmmmm....I wonder. Sure, He withdraws His spirit when we turn away from Him; but when we are sorry--even before we have fixed it--He seems to clearly outline in our conscience what was wrong, what we need to do to fix it, and that He is there for us and with us.  It is Satan that makes us feel like we are worthless and unworthy of love after making mistakes.  It is Christ who touched the leper, Christ who raised up the woman taken in adultery, Christ who said, "Neither do I condemn thee...Go and sin no more."

I used to parent with a lot more of this non-verbal condemnation than I do now.  It is hard to say, lovingly, "You didn't finish your work so you are grounded until you do," knowing that the child might blow up in your face or lash out in anger.  Sometimes it just feels easier to grumble and clean up after them and then treat them coldly..."until they learn," right?  I think we all fall victim to this at times...stepping back emotionally and shutting a child out.  But then the child struggles with self-love and approval and motivation to fix whatever may be wrong.  Maybe, they fear, their best imperfect self will never be enough?

Now, maybe there are times to withdraw ourselves emotionally in extreme cases...abusive or excessively violent situations.  I am sure that I don't claim to know what is best for everyone :).  More recently,  I have tried to lovingly administer specific consequences for specific behavioral problem situations, not doing the emotional or physical shunning I used to do to "reinforce" the incorrectness of their behavior.  I have found that it is at times of mistake or sinning that they need clear boundaries and consequences,...and support.

But I am still exploring (poor kids!), trying to figure out God-like parenting.  I would love to have anyone's ideas or input or personal experiences in this!

Morning walk with my family and friends

Okay....

After trying to prove I am "not a robot" 10 times (I mean really,...is there such a key as a backward "k"??), I needed to take a break.  :)  I have just spent the morning checking up on a few blogs of family and friends, and I feel fed. 

I love people, old and young.  I am amazed at the beauty they bring into my life.

One thing that came up in my "walk" this morning, was to live like each day was your last.  This has been very strongly on my mind lately, as different situations have worried me about the well-being of my loved ones...Papaya disappearing at church, Q-dawg not answering his phone all day, etc.  It is amazing how losing a loved one can really make you appreciate the good and the bad, realizing that, good or bad, each life experience we have with others is truly precious.

I love the following song:

Ahhhh..."sweet Time."  To snuggle with the littles, smile your heart out at them when you don't have the time to snuggle, to laugh where you could take offense, show physical affection to my husband and kids (even those porcupine-ish older ones :)!)...I find that these are the things I do when I am in this state of mind.
 
Thinking about that song also almost always leads me to the next song:

This song is a gift of perspective.  I mean, really...at the end of the day, to consider this moment really puts things where they should be.  Some things pass, some things, hurt, but, in the end, it is not what we have done so much as how what we have done has changed us...and how much we have tried to earnestly do God's will.  He knows our hearts.  He knows our intent, even when we are desperately imperfect.

I am grateful for my walk today, for my family and friends...for all of you who have touched my life with light and love.  My heroes in so many ways.  Love you!

My personal, spiritual Olympic trainer

We do something at our house called a "WAM" (since Q-dawg creates acronyms of everything): a "Weekly Accountability Meeting" where weekly (or monthly or bi-annually :)...) we get together with our older children one on one, look at their overall goals and encourage them to set weekly goals and commitments to achieve those goals.  We call it a "running partner" arrangement, as we are there for them to encourage and support them, not dictate what those goals should be.

Anyway, I am not so good and doing them consistently, but like with so many of those things that we try to do consistently (like Family Home Evening and scripture study), you've got to start somewhere and somehow, even the inconsistent ones are still effective. (And make you want to do more :)!)

Back to the WAM: I had one on Sunday with the Goob, and it was one of those magical ones.  I saw his mind open to the possibilities as he really started to grasp that what I do in our homeschooling is to help him fulfill his dreams...not just fill his life with busy-work and guilt :).  He planned some great goals, one of which I wanted to share.

We do a youth group called Vanguard, a group with the express mission to help youth (and everyone!) realize that they each have a God-given mission and as they seek for truth and to serve and really work at it, they will come to know what that mission is.  I believe they are missions that include strengths and passions that they have right now, coupled with interests, depth, and skills that they will develop through God-inspired education.  There is a weekly base of knowledge we ask them to study and then they are free to take it from there, internalize/study it out to create understanding, and then apply it to their lives to make it stick deeper...to create intelligence.

Well, we are studying having courage in the face of uncertainty this week, and for part of that are reading a section of C. S. Lewis's "The Last Battle."  The Goob really wants to be what he calls a "media-maker," so with his goals for preparation for Vanguard this week, I suggested he make a Lego-animation of something out of the Last Battle this week or an example in the life of someone who showed courage in the face of uncertainty.   He loved the idea!

Last night, before going to bed and after getting home from a wonderful Family Home Evening with our friends, the Tindalls (amazing family!!), the Goob came to me and said, "Mom, I didn't get to my movie today.  Will you tell me when it is 10? I'll be in the other room working on it."    10 came and went and, over 1500 pictures later, the Goob came into where Q-dawg and I were watching "Man of Steel" and showed us his film. 

That kid is amazing.  The things he can do with Legos, a video camera, and clay!  I will have to see if there is a way to post it, but I wanted to record this cool moment in our homeschooling.  If only all of our kids could own and realize a personalized education like this all the time!  The older ones are catching the idea and I am excited to see it spread on down the ranks :).  These kids are all unique for a reason and I hope that they (and everyone else I can get this to!) can realize that we are all born for a specific reason...that God enjoys and uses our unique strengths to change the world and make it better! 

It is an amazing feeling to be spirit-led in your education and see the benefits as you read "as much as you can" for this project, "just happen" to watch a certain clip,  a person "just happens" to mention something...and have them all come together, overlapping, to create an epiphany and be just what I need for a particular teaching moment or personal life lesson.  I am definitely not the pro at this, but am so grateful that, as I have sought truth and tried to be humble and open to it, the lessons I have learned have been personally life-changing and brought such joy.

This reminds me of an "ah-hah!" I had:

I have been slowly and steadily working my way through the Gospels of the Bible on the advice of a friend, who "just happened" to say that she had done the same, looking for ways that the Master Teacher, our Savior Jesus Christ, taught those around him.  It has taken me a long time for, in the middle of reading it, trying to methodically push myself through to "get it done," something I "just happened" to be reading suggested that slowly savoring and pondering was more effective than charging through to the end.

So as I was applying these two gems, I came across John 18:11 and have been slowly savoring a verse.  The Savior just emerged from the Garden of Gethsemane and is facing the mob.  Peter has just cut off the ear of the servant, whom we miraculously know the name of...Malchus. 

11: Then said Jesus unto Peter, Put up thy sword into the sheath: the cup which my Father hath given me, shall I not drink it?

 Shall I not drink what God has given me?  The life, blessings, and challenges that are uniquely mine?  It reminded me yesterday, as I was pondering, of an Olympic coach and athlete.  The coach doesn't coddle, doesn't pamper.  He pushes, he encourages, he demands...knowing that the athlete cannot truly find what his capacity is until he is pushed, encouraged, or demanded. 

We will never know the capacity of our incredible, godly and divine spiritual heritage that is present within each of us until we are stretched.  The Lord "chasteneth those he loveth," the scriptures say.  Our capacity, our greatness, our individual potential is beyond our imagination.  Our loving "Heavenly Coach" wants us to see it...and we can only see it as we are pushed, encouraged, and stretched to our current capacity...and then made to go just a little bit further.

Shall we drink our individual cups?  I am grateful I don't know what my full cup looks like yet.  I am sure I would say, as did the Savior, "let this cup pass."  But on the other side of that cup is everything our Father hath for us: eternal life, families being together forever, eternal peace and the amazing joy that I have only captured a glimpse of those precious times when I am truly an instrument in the Lord's hand.  There is nothing like it.  Week by week, day by day, hour by hour, if I can only seek to trust my personal spiritual Olympic trainer and put my education and life in His hands, I am sure I will have the most challenging, and yet the most rewarding life that I can personally experience.

The trial after the testimony

Have you ever born testimony about something, told someone that "this is what I believe and do!" or  made a verbal or written commitment to do something important...big or small?  And then have you felt like the floodgates of opposition open up to challenge that very thing you were commiting to do, testifying about, or reaffirming?

I have!  It has made me at times reconsider what I say in my testimony or to others :)!

Like the time I bore testimony about how important it is to be patient...and then the next several days I proved how impatient I really am :).  Or when I told my family I am going to the temple, only to have all Hades break loose the rest of the day as I prepare to go--making me doubt if I should or not.

At times like these, I have gone back and forth, wondering if perhaps I just didn't really believe what I said I believed or felt that maybe by saying something true and powerful out loud or recommitting to it, Satan works extra hard to challenge my statements.

Yesterday, in Sunday School we read in Moses 1, where Moses sees God face to face, is transformed in order to do so, and then falls to the earth after beholding God's majesty and glory.  Satan then comes and demands that Moses worship him.  Here's a quick look at what happens from the time God leaves Moses until that point:

10 And it came to pass that it was for the space of many hours before Moses did again receive his natural ^astrength like unto man; and he said unto himself: Now, for this cause I know that ^bman is ^cnothing, which thing I never had supposed.

 11 But now mine own eyes have ^abeheld God; but not my ^bnatural, but my ^cspiritual eyes, for my ^dnatural eyes could not have ^ebeheld; for I should have ^fwithered and ^gdied in his presence; but his ^hglory was upon me; and I beheld his ⁱface, for I was ^jtransfigured before him.

 12 And it came to pass that when Moses had said these words, behold, ^aSatan came ^btempting him, saying: Moses, son of man, worship me.

And here is Moses's reply:

 13 And it came to pass that Moses looked upon Satan and said: Who art thou? For behold, I am a ^ason of God, in the similitude of his Only Begotten; and where is thy ^bglory, that I should worship thee?

 14 For behold, I could not look upon God, except his ^aglory should come upon me, and I were transfigured before him. But I ^bcan look upon thee in the natural man. Is it not so, surely?

Moses has been in the presence of God and can tell the difference between God and Satan.  Powerful.

Now, bringing it all back to my earlier thoughts, it takes Moses 4 times of demanding that Satan go away!  4 times!  Moses was just in the presence of God, God could easily have dismissed Satan himself, but after this amazingly phenomenal experience, God leaves Moses to be tested and tried, for His own good purposes.

It reminded me of me, after I have that spiritual moment--that testimony "high" as it were-- when I see the hand of God, His truth and the power of it.  And then Satan comes.  And stays.  And stays some more.  God, I am sure, is nearby.  He has shown me His greatness, His truth, confirming it by the Holy Spirit of truth.  And then sometimes it feels like it was with Moses.  God takes a step back and says, "Now, do you believe it?  Feel for yourself the difference and make your own choice.  Will you listen to Satan, or remember and choose to follow what you learned from me?"

I believe we can all see the loving hand of God in our lives if we choose to look for it, and we too can ask "Where is thy glory, Satan, that we should worship thee?  What have you done for me that I should even listen to you?"

I think there are two ways to make these experiences more like the triumphant Moses one, and not my usual discouraged one:
#1-daily immerse ourselves in the spiritual...in a sense, coming into the presence of God.  When we can remind ourselves what it feels like to be with God, we will recognize more easily the presence of the adversary.
#2-recognize that the presence of adversity not always a sign of personal weakness, but is sometimes is rather an opportunity to really think about where we stand on that issue.  Do we believe God's truth only when it is easy to apply?  That would be like believing it is good to exercise and eat vegetables only when it is easy to do that...but surely it can't be true late at night when it is hard, right? :)

So I guess the adversity, the doubts, the obvious challenge to my affirmations of faith are not necessarily a sign of weakness, eh? And the hope that I get from the story of Moses is this:

 20 And it came to pass that Moses began to ^afear exceedingly; and as he began to fear, he saw the bitterness of ^bhell. Nevertheless, ^ccalling upon God, he received ^dstrength, (remember, he has already called on God 2 times) and he commanded, saying: Depart from me, Satan, for this one God only will I worship, which is the God of ^eglory.

 21 And now Satan began to tremble, and the earth shook; and Moses received strength, and called upon God (final time), saying: In the name of the Only Begotten, ^adepart hence, ^bSatan.

 22 And it came to pass that Satan cried with a loud voice, with weeping, and wailing, and ^agnashing of teeth; and he departed hence, even from the presence of Moses, that he beheld him not.

Don't give up.  Good will ultimately overcome.  God has never completely left us.  Sometimes He just steps aside to see what we will do, like a parent does with a child learning to walk, or a kid learning to swim for the first time.  At some point, the parent needs to step back so the child can see for themselves that they can do it!

24 And it came to pass that when Satan had departed from the presence of Moses, that Moses lifted up his eyes unto heaven, being filled with the ^aHoly Ghost, which beareth record of the Father and the Son;

 25 And calling upon the name of God, he beheld his ^aglory again, for it was upon him; and he heard a ^bvoice, saying: Blessed art thou, Moses, for I, the Almighty, have ^cchosen thee, and thou shalt be made stronger than many ^dwaters; for they shall obey thy ^ecommand as if thou wert ^fGod.

 26 And lo, I am ^awith thee, even unto the end of thy days;

God's glory will return. And we appreciate it all the more after the darkness and shadows of adversity.

 

New Year Creed

I have found my 2014 theme...

And do not be afraid to apply that influence without fear or apology. “Be ready always to give an answer to every [man, woman, and child] that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you.” “Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine.” “Bring up your children in light and truth.” “Teach [them] to pray, and to walk uprightly before the Lord.”
http://lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/the-moral-force-of-women.p23?lang=eng

Now to start the battle of the census.  Re-painting the basement will have to wait.  There are freedoms to be won.  (Or "re-won" as the case may be.) Wish me luck! 

No excuses

I have loved reading in the New Testament as I strive to be more of a teacher, leader, and parent in the manner of Christ!  I fall far short of it, but it has been humbling, inspiring, and directive in helping change my life as I strive to be more like the leader Christ was.

I have noticed something in the Book of St. John where I am reading right now:  the beginning of the last several chapters I have read seem to be taking away any excuses I might have for becoming whom God wants me to become.

I first noticed it in chapter 9, when Jesus heals the blind man and tells the people that the blind man was blind not because the blind man or his parents had sinned, but "that the works of God should be made manifest in him."  It made me think of my weaknesses and inabilities, and I thought, "maybe the shortcomings of my situation that feel beyond my control are not there because I have sinned, but because God needs to work an obvious miracle in my life to the world?"  It made me think of the Savior, how he could have been born in a palace, son of a powerful and virtuous king...but he was not.  He was born in a lowly manger and still accomplished what God had for him to do on this earth.

I then started looking back at the chapter before that, chapter 8, in which he forgives the woman taken in adultery.  Not only was she a sinner, but it was obvious to everyone!  He gives her license to go and become whom God sees she can become in spite of committing one of the greatest offenses against God, for he saw into her heart, that she was truly repentant, and that she would, as it says in the JST of verse 11, "[glorify] God from that hour and [believe] on his name."  Hmmmm...past sins cannot get in our way.

Moving back further: In chapter 7, Jesus's very own kinsman have no faith in him and who he is, those who have seen him be perfect his whole life!  Wow.  Apparently the consent and approval of those around us (or the lack thereof!) is not essential to becoming God's servant.

Chapter 6: the feeding of the 5,000.  I have blogged on this before, but a quick recap: even if it seems that the resources we have (and the resources of those around us, from friends to "children") are limited, the Lord can work His miracles through us.  No excuses.

It made me curious as I t,hought about this, reflecting on the previous chapters that I had remembered, so I looked into chapter 5 as well: there, the lame man's excuse is "I have no one to move me to the water to heal me!" "I have no one to help me accomplish this seemingly impossible task before me!" is a cry I can relate to!  Of course, I have an amazing husband, wonderful children, and friends and family, but don't we all look around at one point and say "help!" and feel it isn't there?  Apparently, I am not looking toward the right source for that help :).

"He that sent me is with me: the Father hath not left me alone; For I do always those things that please him." (John 8:29)

One by one, the Savior showed by example that my excuses are merely that...excuses.  He is truly able to work with us to overcome all obstacles to doing God's work and becoming whom He would have us become, but, in each of these circumstances, he first requires an act of faith on our part: to gather the fish and bread, to wash our eyes in the water, to raise our eyes to look around for hope in the depths of despair.

So, what is to be my act of faith to open the way for miracles into my life?  Hmmm....good question :).  But at least this much is clear: I know that whenever I start telling myself excuses, chances are that is all they are...excuses.  And, chances are, if I look around enough, I will find a way that God has provided for me to accomplish His wonders in my life.

You never know...

What do we do when our burden seems heavy?  Where do we turn?

I loved the following story of a woman watching her grandson, as he calmly and lovingly stood by his Granny and stroked her hand:

I said to him, those who want to be baptized need to be willing to serve the Lord by serving others—for your whole life! I said: “I don’t know if you realized it, but the way you showed love and concern for Granny was keeping your covenants. We keep our covenants every day as we are kind, show love, and take care of each other.

Sometimes, honestly, I just want to give up...throw in the towel.  I get emails from people telling me that I have offended them (unintentionally, of course)...give up.  My baby pukes for morning after morning the week that I have three plays and two dress rehearsals, not to mention three other class engagements scheduled...give up.  I am endlessly behind in preparing for what seems urgent in my different homsechooling groups...give up.  The house is trashed...give up.  I cannot possibly be meeting the nurturing and educational needs of all these children!...give up. I have dishes in my sink from Thanksgiving...give up.  I am on my way to a dress rehearsal with almost a hundred people waiting for me, and one of my children accidentally locks both sets of keys in the car (my fault they are both in there), along with the key to the building we are rehearsing at...can I give up now :)?  I get home to find an email (among so many that seem to scream "urgent!" due to the time-sensitive nature of them for various groups I am in) saying that while we were there at the rehearsal we finally got to (thanks to a locksmith--$125 later), we had different behavioral issues come up that compromised the safety and morality of our youth...can I please give up now? Pretty please?

As I walked upstairs last night--feeling a little overwhelmed, I must admit--the thought went through my mind, "Daughter, I knew that when I asked you to do these things, your days and your home and, yes, even your emails would look like this.  This is my work.  I did not set you up for failure."  With my heart a little lighter, I went to bed.

When I awoke this morning, my mind afire with doubts once again, I headed downstairs to give distraction to the whirlwind in my mind.  As I sat down to start with my personal morning devotional of scriptures, Conference talk, and a prayer, the Spirit lovingly guided me to this talk, and I will continue to quote from it:

This covenant will give you opportunities to bless and serve others and help you to prepare for the covenants you will make in the temple. Thank you for being such a good example to me! Thank you for showing me what it looks like to be a covenant keeper!”
Porter replied back: “Grandma, thanks for the message. When I was always hugging Granny, I didn’t know that I was keeping my covenants, but I felt warm in my heart and felt really good. I know that it was the Holy Ghost in my heart.”
I also felt warm in my heart when I realized that Porter had connected keeping his covenants with the promise to “always have his Spirit to be with [us]”—a promise made possible by receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost.

 So, even if my little way of serving seems so, so little, if I feel the Spirit, it is enough?  Just keep serving?  Oh Lord, but it seems so heavy, I cried!  There are so many places where I see failure on my part...inability to do enough. Then I continued reading:

We’re all at different places on the path. But we can work together to help each other “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men.”

As I read this, my mind was opened to the many ways others around me, each on their different stages on the path, have helped me to press forward: the mom from my boys group who brought over dinner on Monday, the wonderfully patient people who were only supportive and not upset over the fiasco with the keys, the wonderfully mindful parent who took responsible action to bring to light the problem situation at the church, the parents who step in, lovingly and quietly, to not only support me and mentor my children, but who serve and serve and serve as well.  Each one helps me!  Each one honors their covenants by reaching out where they are at, bless their hearts!  You never know when your "small" love makes all the difference to another.

So now, I just want to express thanks to all those who honor their covenants by serving me and my family, each in their own way, on their different places on the path.  You never know how you will be blessing others, and I guess I can keep trying to do it, both with my children and others...all with a dirty house :).

A visual of "The World's Spectrum" of politics

Cool visualization! I have learned a great deal about these different systems and trends in history and feel this is very accurate...from what I know now, at least. I would be happy to hear anyone else's view point on the matter.

Speaking of republics, one of my brilliant youth friends posted the following quote:

"The American Republic will endure until the day Congress discovers that it can bribe the public with the public's money." - Alexis de Tocqueville

Faith and Healing

In the two most recent LDS General Conferences, Elder Holland of the LDS church gave two addresses that, I feel, go hand in hand :

Like a Broken Vessel addressing the challenges of depression and mental illness

and Lord, I Believe in which he shares so many beautiful thoughts about faith. 

I just listened to them back to back this morning and was touched by the need for faith when faced with situations like the one in the first talk, where the man had a son that was diseased, or the one in the second talk, where we have family members that suffer from different mental illnesses.  His words on "faith" were inspiring:

I would say to all who wish for more faith, remember this man (the father of the son stricken with illness)! In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited. In the growth we all have to experience in mortality, the spiritual equivalent of this boy’s affliction or this parent’s desperation is going to come to all of us. When those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes... The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue—it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you already know...

When problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by saying how much you do not have, leading as it were with your “unbelief.” That is like trying to stuff a turkey through the beak! Let me be clear on this point: I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have. Sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation of moral courage than is an honest declaration of faith. It is not!...

Hope on. Journey on. Honestly acknowledge your questions and your concerns, but first and forever fan the flame of your faith, because all things are possible to them that believe.

His "follow-up" thought in the second conference really struck me in light of the previous quotes:

Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead.⁵

 As I reflected on my own seemingly minor issues with loved ones, both in my home and outside of it, I thought about how all of us grieve with unresolved situations and all of us could do with a little more faith...at least I could :).  I loved the message of hope: do what you can with what you have, and then be still.  "Hope on.  Journey on." Right?

Economics and our responsibility

"We the people are the rightful masters of both  Congress and the Courts,
not to overthrow the Constitution but to overthrow  the men who would pervert the Constitution." 

 

~ Abraham  Lincoln

 

 

We recently had a class for our youth in Economics.  It was amazing.  I highly recommend the reading:

 

Read One For the Money, sections 4 and 5

Read the book Whatever Happened to Penny Candy?

 

Read The Richest Man in Babylon online

Read Economics in One Lesson online (this one is amazing!)

 

I think these are must reads for everyone!

 

"If"

I think this poem is going to take its place in my heart next to the saying that is reputed to be one of Mother Theresa's favorite on the side of my blog.

"If" by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

    And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

    If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

Be careful what you laugh at, eh? :)

...especially when it is other people's faith. I hope we would show the same respect to people of all faiths.

This was shared by a dear friend:

"November 18

Dear Family and Friends:

We recently heard two very interesting testimonies, one that I thought I would share with you.  Brother Cook, a member visiting Hungary from the US shared the following story.

 

Brother Cook told the story of his conversion.  As a young university student in California, as part of his general requirements, he took a US history class.  As part of the class, the professor — Brother Cook stressed he never knew if this professor was LDS or not— briefly talked about Brigham Young and the role of the Mormons in settling the west (they were essentially the only group of immigrants that systematically arranged for each successive group of immigrants to have better conditions to travel across the continent as they built bridges, planted crops that others would harvest, and improved the trail as each group passed over it). 

The professor also discussed in this same lecture the fact that the Mormons were the first uniquely US religion coming out of the early 1800’s.  He also told how the Mormons believed that Joseph Smith read James 1:5 “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” and from that information Joseph Smith went into the forest and prayed and had a vision where God and Jesus Christ appeared to him.  Brother Cook said at that point in the lecture, there began to be out breaks of snickering in the large lecture hall.  Brother Cook then said the professor simply waited for a moment and then said something like, “If you think that is funny, let me tell you another story.  2,000 years ago there was a man who lived on Earth and who said he was Jesus Christ. People laughed at him too.”  That was all the professor said and then he moved on with his lecture.  

Brother Cook said that statement made by his professor caused him wonder if he would have also laughed at Jesus Christ, rather than recognizing him.  It began a 4 year search and study for Brother Cook, about the Mormons. His search resulted in his conversion, baptism, and a life filled with service including serving as a bishop, stake president, and many other ways.  

I hope we all recognize Christ and his influence in our life today.  I am so grateful for my testimony and for the opportunity to serve here in Hungary — even with the hard stuff!  (I know when we return to heaven we will be grateful to have come to Earth and there is hard stuff here on Earth too!)

Have a wonderful week as you contemplate your blessings during this upcoming time of Thanksgiving. 

Love,

Jan and Bob/ Elder and Sister Wiggins"

 

You never know when taking a stand may plant a seed...