Letter to Kel

I had a friend recently share a vulnerable post, as she put it. I appreciated and learned from her candor and courage.  I hope that what I share will be similar for any others who may be struggling with the same thing.

I kept this letter to Kel in it's entirety. I am not sure why I felt I should send it to him, or why I feel I should post it now. I guess I will take it down later if it turns out to be a bad idea.  Sometimes the right thing to do is not clear...and sometimes we need to just make choices without being led by the hand every step of the way :S.

"Morning, son :).

Yes, check out the hour.  Another crazy middle of the night episode for the mom-ster.  It sure can be funny things that get us out of bed.

I felt that I should share something with you.  Hope it is inspiration.

It has been an interesting last couple of days.  I have had a couple of things thrown my way, things that I have experienced, that have led to a chain of thoughts that I was lying awake musing about this morning.  And felt I should write about.

I think the experiences themselves are of little note in themselves but my thoughts have been different, challenging.  I have felt something of a silence from the heavens off and on for a little while and it has bothered me.  If not silence, it has felt like a lessening of the Spirit off and on for some time.  Last night, Lily shared some feelings she had been having about being afraid to pray, feeling like she wasn't getting answers, feeling the Spirit.  I wonder if I have been experiencing these things so that I would ask the right questions.  You know, if you don't have things that make you ask questions or challenge your way of thinking, you would never be thinking about the answers to those questions when someone else comes to you with that same question. I thought the timing was...interesting.

Anyway, (my gift is not one for using few words...I will try), as I have been thinking about this silence from the heavens, I have briefly wondered about why:

-personal lack of worthiness: hmmm...maybe. I am not perfect, but I have a desire and I am sincere, so I am not sure that this is it.

-maybe God really isn't there?  I, too, have thought of this...really thought about this because a silence can mean many things.  It has been interesting to walk in the darkness for a while and have to candidly look back on my life and personal experiences and ask: was it God all those times or just my imagination?  Ironically, in the past 24 hours, things/experiences have come up where times in my past where I have known God is there (crazy, miraculous things) and I have had the opportunity to not only reflect on them but to share them with others...they have flowed in as part of our conversation.  

It has made me think about, again, why this silence?  I think it was no coincidence that Dad asked Drew to give a FHE lesson on prayer last night and Drew said that God always answers our questions...just sometimes we have to wait until after we are dead.  While we all laughed about that, it hit me.  I really have been thinking about it.

Faith:

21 And now as I said concerning faith—faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.

So not hearing God's voice or Spirit doesn't mean I don't have faith.  In fact, faith by definition is to hope for things that are not seen (or felt) but are true.  My empirical evidence in my life and experience points unequivocally to an existence of God.   So if that is the case, again, why this silence...

In the last days, it is said that even the elect shall fall. I see it happening all around me.  Brother Moore shared something he heard from our stake recently. The Stake President felt inspired to issue a prophetic statement of sorts at a recent meeting.  He said that if we were not reading the Book of Mormon that even the very elect, the "highest" among us would fall.  Shortly thereafter a bishop from our Stake left the church.  Left his office.  Dad said he knew exactly who the man was.  He had been attending the trainings once a month and the last couple times he saw him, Dad could tell that something was wrong.  Interesting.  I have had some dear friends who quote scripture and the confirmation of divine direction as they stop coming to church.  I pray that I am like the figurative friend on the wall watching Nephi slay Laban counter to everything I have been taught and try not to judge and just hope. 

I have been thinking in the last few hours about Job: he suffered for a great while without answers and was still able to testify, "yet I know that there is a God."  Gideon, the prophet, exercised faith despite his doubts (check out that story!  Pretty crazy).  I thought about experiences that people had in the scriptures where they struggled in prayer. There are so many!  Joseph Smith's first "answer" to his prayer was an attack of darkness.  Enos prayed all day before he got an answer.  The Bible Dictionary says that prayer is a form of work. 

The final image that I cannot seem to get out of my mind is the vision of the tree of life.  The mist of darkness are real.  What does darkness look like?  Well, quite frankly, what I have been experiencing lately.  It doesn't say that light pierces the darkness while we are blindly grasping that iron rod, that word of God. We are told that the word of God is the scriptures, not necessarily the Spirit.  I thought it interesting how strong the message from President Monson was to read the Book of Mormon daily.  So I have been. Even when I don't feel the Spirit with it.  Lily mentioned this same conundrum. Acting in faith isn't always logical.  I guess I am still hoping.

Will God always answer?  I guess, like Drew said, yes...but sometimes we have to wait for the answer until after we die.

But why?

Then I thought about what the purpose of this life was.  It is not to have happy feelings of peace and joy the entire ride through. Sure, it is that we might have joy, but having joy isn't guaranteend immediately. In fact, looking at any prophet's life, it doesn't come for a while sometimes. I have experienced both peace and joy. I cannot deny it. 

This life is a test.  How can it be a test if the teacher is always there, giving you the answer right when you ask for it?  How can our desires truly be tested if we always get what we want?  Is it my desire to be like God that keeps me going or my desire to be fed with immediate blessings?

I thought it again, no coincidence, that Brother Roberts was asked to speak yesterday, the same day I have these questions, challenges (doubts?) going through my mind.  As I was listening to him (remember him?  Soft-spoken old country gentleman with a gentle smile?), he told some interesting stories.  

The first was a joke he ran across in an Reader's Digest many years ago.  He said, "It is a joke, but I take it very seriously."

Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy were playing golf. On the first tee, Moses shanked his ball into a lake. He parted the water and hit his ball onto the green.

Jesus teed off, hitting his ball into another water hazard. But he walked on water and stroked his ball just short of the cup.

Then the old man with the beard stepped up for his tee shot. He hit the ball with tremendous force, but hooked it badly. The ball bounced off the clubhouse roof, hit the cart path, and rolled down a hill into a pond, coming to rest on a lily pad. A frog hopped over and picked up the ball, then an eagle swooped down, snatched the frog, and flew over the green. The frog dropped the ball, and it rolled into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing golf with your dad."

He was in tears as he shared the part of how God got a hole in one.

This gentle man concluded: "I am the frog with the golf ball in its mouth and I am still waiting for the eagle."

He then shared the plot line for a story called "Born Free," about a lion that was raised in captivity, got used to it and grew to 400/600 lbs (I can't remember which). Anyway. Huge.  Too big for the people to keep caring for.  So they decided it needed to learn how to survive on its own.  They left it by itself for varying lengths of time and would always step in when the lion showed signs of suffering or hardship.  

Then they decided that they truly wanted this lion to learn how to be free, knowing that they were doing it no favor by keeping it from it's heritage, what it was born to do.

They left it alone for over a year.  As they saw the lion off and on at first, it was obviously struggling, starving...suffering.  They knew that for this lion to truly fulfill the measure of its creation it needed to become a lion, not a spoiled 400 lb house cat.

One night, a lion walked into their camp. It was their lion, followed by 4 little lion cubs.  Their lion had discovered its strength, its purpose.  

As I was listening to this story, tears streamed down my face as Brother Roberts pointed out that we have a measure of our creation to fulfill and the truth of the silence hit me.  God has given me a good life, led me along, fed me.  What are the desires of my heart? Is it truly to know God and be like Him?  What price am I willing to pay? Am I willing to walk through the darkness?

Mother Theresa experienced a similar darkness that she relates in her autobiography, a time when she set out to do what she knew God wanted her to do...and then He wasn't there!  She struggled with it and then determined that she knew it was a good and right thing that she was doing and that she would continue on.  I feel like my silence is the same. 

I have felt confirmation for years that having the children I do, living the life I live, believing the things I do are good and right.  The confirmation has always come relatively quickly if I earnestly work and seek it out...sometimes a little more quickly.   So why this silence?  Maybe God is stepping back, helping me see that I do have a choice, that I do have my freedom and am not just dutifully following directions.  Maybe He is letting me feel that this is my own choice, made freely and independent of external rewards that have been so immediate in the past.

Will I continue to hold to the rod in this mist of darkness?  Yes. I have seen no better answer out there.  I have seen blessings that come from obedience, even if, as it says in D&C 59 that God blesses the righteous with more commandments.  (Read that the first time and went...ouch! Really??)  And have seen it in my life.  Commandments are truly gates that open up more blessing and opportunities for us.  But sometimes we are only shown how important obedience to a specific law is after we have shown obedience to simpler laws.  Interesting.

Well, I can feel that I am rambling now.  Maybe I can go back to sleep now that I have shared this with you.

I love you for who you are.  Make whatever choices you want to and you will always have that love. I appreciate our experiences together to know that.  Know that you have a choice, whatever situation you are in.  And, again, that I will always love you, my son.

Sok szeretettel,

Anyuci"

"Our life will always end with a hole in one"

Yesterday in his talk,  sweet gentleman shared the following joke he came across in a Reader's Digest years ago.  He prefaced it with this:  "It is a joke, but I take it very seriously."

Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy were playing golf. On the first tee, Moses shanked his ball into a lake. He parted the water and hit his ball onto the green.

Jesus teed off, hitting his ball into another water hazard. But he walked on water and stroked his ball just short of the cup.

Then the old man with the beard stepped up for his tee shot. He hit the ball with tremendous force, but hooked it badly. The ball bounced off the clubhouse roof, hit the cart path, and rolled down a hill into a pond, coming to rest on a lily pad. A frog hopped over and picked up the ball, then an eagle swooped down, snatched the frog, and flew over the green. The frog dropped the ball, and it rolled into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing golf with your dad."

He was in tears as he shared the part of how God got a hole in one.

This gentle man concluded: "I am the frog with the golf ball in its mouth and I am still waiting for the eagle."

Talents You May Not Know You Have

I am grateful that I get to teach seminary every day.  There are so many precious truths to be reminded of that are brought to light through our daily study of the scriptures.  The Spirit is so abundant and ready to teach us!

Last week we talked about gifts of the Spirit and I thought I would share with others this beautiful reminder of many lesser-known but oh, so important talents!  And we can seek for any of them :D.

The gifts of the Spirit are so important to the Lord that they are taught about in three of our four standard works (see 1 Corinthians 12, Moroni 10, and Doctrine and Covenants 46).

Elder Marvin J. Ashton of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught about spiritual gifts not listed specifically in the scriptures:

“Taken at random, let me mention a few gifts that are not always evident or noteworthy but that are very important. …

“Let us review some of these less-conspicuous gifts: the gift of asking; the gift of listening; the gift of hearing and using a still, small voice; the gift of being able to weep; the gift of avoiding contention; the gift of being agreeable; the gift of avoiding vain repetition; the gift of seeking that which is righteous; the gift of not passing judgment; the gift of looking to God for guidance; the gift of being a disciple; the gift of caring for others; the gift of being able to ponder; the gift of offering prayer; the gift of bearing a mighty testimony; and the gift of receiving the Holy Ghost” (“There Are Many Gifts,” Ensign, Nov. 1987, 20).

*************************************

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the First Presidency taught:

“You may feel that there are others who are more capable or more experienced who could fulfill your callings and assignments better than you can, but the Lord gave you your responsibilities for a reason. There may be people and hearts only you can reach and touch. Perhaps no one else could do it in quite the same way” 

Let God Push You

 I loved the women's conference: not leaning unto your own understanding will help you become more holy and certain and you will find peace by doing so.   

I also loved/"swallowed with courage" the quote about how God cares more about our upward progress than our comfort.  So true.  

It reminds me of a couple of pictures from seminary this week:

We talked about how we would feel if we were the one being pushed: offended, bothered, frustrated, like fighting back

Then we looked at the next picture:

Sometimes God has to push us through trials and tribulations to get us out of greater danger.  The temporary discomfort of getting pushed outweighs the lasting effects of the danger God sees in our current location.

Lean not unto our own understanding, right?

How does it all seem to come back to trusting and knowing God?

Will I Stand With God?

This morning as I was praying, I wondered for a moment what the current world looked like in the eyes of God.  So much evil and yet so much good.  As I pondered on these seemingly darkening and perilous times the thought came to me that this is a winnowing time.  A time for people to figure out where they truly stand.

It is easy enough to stand with what is good and right when the crowds surround you.

But what about when everyone around you seems to be choosing something different?  Do we have the courage to search our hearts, our prayers and our scriptures for where God wants us to stand and plant ourselves their firmly?  Marilla Cuthbert in "Anne of Green Gables" said it so eloquently: God does not want us for a fair weather friend.

In a world where so many chose to discriminate, attack, hate, covet and murder (physically or emotionally), will we choose God first?  Will we show Him love first and foremost?  A love that is often proven in how we treat our fellow man?  In how we spend our time?

We all crave friendships that matter,  a friend that is there through the hard times and the good.  Perhaps that is a main purpose behind the hard times that seem to prevail.  Will we prove our loyalty to God and stand where He plants us?  For it is in adversity that heart of man is proven for what it is.

I believe we must also respect those who are taking stands in other ways.  We each have a different purpose on this earth.  Just because someone does not share our religious interpretation of God does not mean they, in their own way, are not also doing God's work.

Let us stand with God.  Let us respect and love our fellow men and women even when they are so unlovable.  Let us chose the harder right even when it seems all around us are not.  We can make it.  Carry on.  The end will be glorious.

Seeking Understanding

My son Drew shared some neat scriptures with me this morning that I want to pass along.  I am giving a talk on Sunday in church about the first and second great commandments and the impression I have is to speak simply, directly.  

To make sure I am not "going off" on one of my philosophical tangents.  

These words he felt prompted to share from the scriptures reiterated the importance of speaking to be understood and not just to be heard:

1 Corinthians 14:8 For if the trumpet give an uncertain sound, who shall prepare himself to the battle?

 9 So likewise ye, except ye utter by the tongue words easy to be understood, how shall it be known what is spoken? for ye shall speak into the air.

 10 There are, it may be, so many kinds of voices in the world, and none of them is without signification.

 11 Therefore if I know not the meaning of the voice, I shall be unto him that speaketh a barbarian, and he that speaketh shall be a barbarian unto me...

 19 Yet in the church I had rather speak five words with my understanding, that by my voice I might teach others also, than ten thousand words in an unknown tongue. (Ironic message to me for a Sunday talk, eh :D?)

These scriptures, combined with my recent musings (and post) about temperance made me think about the poem I have hanging next to my kitchen sink.  I love it.  I try to remind myself of the virtue that is possible by becoming more the person described in the poem, as Rudyard writes in such profound wisdom to his son.

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, 

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, 

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, 

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating, 

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise: 

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster 

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken 

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, 

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, 

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools: 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings 

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, 

And lose, and start again at your beginnings 

    And never breathe a word about your loss; 

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew 

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you 

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch, 

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, 

    If all men count with you, but none too much; 

If you can fill the unforgiving minute 

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

I thought I would share them just in case someone else needed these reminders today as I did.  Maybe through speaking and listening with the intent to be understanding and understood, I can develop that elusive temperance :D.

Me? A Sweet and Gentle Mother?

So, it may seem kind of silly, but I have decided that I want to be known as a sweet and gentle mother.  When my children think of me, I want them to think the words: sweet and gentle.

Now, my friends and readers, don't tell me how I am "such a good mother" and all that other stuff :D.  I am a pretty decent mother with strengths and weaknesses like the rest of humanity.  However "sweet and gentle" is not my over-riding characteristic.  Passionate, driven, determined, loyal...those are all good words to describe me.

When I told my daughter yesterday that my goal was to be known as a sweet and gentle mother, she laughed. :D  Laughed.  I had to join in, because it really is a 180 from my usual way of doing things.  And it was pretty obvious yesterday when I tried to consciously be sweet and gentle.

How does a woman who is passionate and fiery become sweet and gentle? I know that there is strength in gentility, but how to attain it? I prayed for guidance today and was shown how often I become hot-tempered, frustrated, indulgent in self-pity.  It was pretty astounding. I sure have a short fuse more often than I would care to admit.  But the reminders were good.  I want to be a sweet and gentle mother.

A word kept coming to mind yesterday as I reflected on how to become this woman: temperate.

TEM'PERANCE, noun [Latin temperantia, from tempero.]

1. Moderation; particularly, habitual moderation in regard to the indulgence of the natural appetites and passions; restrained or moderate indulgence; as temperance in eating and drinking; temperance in the indulgence of joy or mirth. temperance in eating and drinking is opposed to gluttony and drunkenness, and in other indulgences, to excess.

2. Patience; calmness; sedateness; moderation of passion.

I think that becoming temperate is the key. It is part of partaking of the "divine nature, as described in 2 Peter.

 2 Peter 1:4 Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature...

 6 And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;

Galatians 5:23--Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. 

In an address given in October 2009, Kent Watson shared the following experience and subsequent thoughts:

A few years ago, I was driving home from work when a large semitruck, traveling in the opposite direction, lost one of its dual tires. The tire flew over the median separating our lanes. It came bouncing down my side of the freeway. Cars were swerving in both directions, drivers not knowing which direction the tire would bounce next. I dodged left when I should have dodged right, and the tire took its final bounce right on the corner of my windshield.A friend called my wife to inform her of the accident. She told me later that her first thought was of lacerations from shattered glass. Indeed, I was covered with beads of broken glass but did not suffer a single scratch. It was definitely not because of my driving skills; rather, it was because the windshield of my little car was made of tempered glass.Tempered glass, like tempered steel, undergoes a well-controlled heating process which increases strength. Thus, when tempered glass is under stress, it will not easily break into jagged shards that can injure.Likewise, a temperate soul—one who is humble and full of love—is also a person of increased spiritual strength. With increased spiritual strength, we are able to develop self-mastery and to live with moderation. We learn to control, or temper, our anger, vanity, and pride. With increased spiritual strength, we can protect ourselves from the dangerous excesses and destructive addictions of today’s world.We all seek peace of mind, and we all desire security and happiness for our families. If we look for silver linings in this past year’s economic downturn, perhaps the trials some have faced have taught us that peace of mind, security, and happiness do not come from buying a home or accumulating possessions for which the debt incurred is larger than our savings or income can afford.We live in an impatient and intemperate world full of uncertainty and contention...
Security for our families comes from learning self-control, avoiding the excesses of this world, and being temperate in all things. Peace of mind comes from strengthened faith in Jesus Christ. Happiness comes from being diligent in keeping covenants made at baptism and in the holy temples of the Lord.What better example do we have of temperance than our Savior, Jesus Christ?When our hearts are stirred to anger by disputation and contention, the Savior taught that we should “repent, and become as a little child.” We should be reconciled with our brother and come to the Savior with full purpose of heart.
When others are unkind, Jesus taught that “my kindness shall not depart from thee.”When we are confronted with affliction, He said: “Be patient in afflictions, revile not against those that revile. Govern your house in meekness, and be steadfast.” ("Being Temperate in All Things") 

I have always been a little feisty.  I see the strength in it, but as my dear friend Angie wisely says: "Our greatest strengths can also be our greatest weaknesses."  To be unbridled in our passions does little to help situations generally. Occasionally there may be a Patrick Henry moment where we spur people on to action with our passion, a moment when a dramatic flair will be helpful.  But to be able to use my gift of deep emotion at will and not be governed by it would be something new.

Sweet and gentle.

Here I go...time to try!  I figure, if I am going in a good direction, things can only get better, right :)?

Asking the Right Questions

Sometimes in the morning, I do a quick mental prayer: "Please be with me and show me what I must do.  I love Thee!" ...then I hurry on my way.  During the day I mentally turn to God and seek counsel and direction.  But as I get in a habit of these little "quick check-ins" I think I am not quite tapping into the true power of prayer.

It happened this morning. I was rushing out the door on my way to exercise, but in my mind was battling the highest and best use of this precious hour before seminary began. I already had arisen 20 minutes after I was planning on and was still waking up.  Running out the door, my mind was still foggy with how I should use this time.  Rather than my running mental dialog prayer, I stopped, dropped and prayed.  "Father, my heart is full right now.  I would like to use this morning wisely.  Do you have a better way for me to spend my morning time?"  A gentle answer: stay home.

I took my shoes off and headed back inside.  I knelt down for some serious prayer action, feeling a need for more direction...and maybe craving a little "one-on-one" time with the one who loves me most.

As I prayed, I sought to put into words the desires of my heart.  Have you ever done that?  Knowing that God can give you exactly what you pray for, have you ever really thought about what the true and deep desires of you heart are?  For instance, if your first quick thought is "money," the deeper answer is probably either "security" or "freedom," which God often provides in non-monetary ways.

Anyway, I sat there for a few minutes, trying to articulate what exactly it was that I wanted.  As my prayer continued, my heart was full of questions and answers came.  I knew that some of my answers would come later, trickling in through small means or in larger, more pronounced ways.  But I knew they would come.  

And then it occurred to me: we have to be looking for the answers to get them.  And in order to look for the answers, we have to first ask the question to know what we are looking for.

Prayer truly does help us to see what it is God has for us. If (and when) He blesses us and we are not looking for it, the answers often go unnoticed.  When that happens, we don't feel the love that comes with the His answers to our deepest needs.  Perhaps that is one of the reasons sometimes God waits for us to ask?

In order to see the way God answers our deepest desires (or even shallow ones!) we have to first ask the question.

Have you seen that movie where someone says, "That is the right question"?  Sometimes I think God is waiting for that from us.  

As I was pondering, I thought about a quote I recently heard about Abraham's sacrifice of Isaac.  God knew that Abraham would sacrifice Isaac, but Abraham needed to know how deep his obedience was to God. When we sincerely pray, we search our souls deep. How much do we trust this God we are praying to?  What kind of questions do we ask of Him?  What are the deepest desires of our heart?  

I remember as a young mother desperately pleading for patience.  As my patience was tried daily in painful ways, I cried out again and again for more patience.  It was only later, looking back, that I saw that God was indeed answering my prayer.  In order to get patience, we need to practice it.  The actual desire of my heart was that I wouldn't have any conflict in my home and that I would have mastery over my temper.  Boy!  God surely answered my prayers as He always will. It wasn't until I had a sincere heart to heart with Him about this "patience" thing that I saw that He was giving me exactly what I was asking for.

Prayer.  Yes, God honors the quick "check-in" prayer.  He heeds and answers all prayers in the best way. I think I have just been missing out on some direction, clarification of intent and peace that comes with actually kneeling down and spending some time with God.

The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that we must ask for in order to obtain.--Bible Dictionary