Even When He is Silent...

I just came back from a week long wonderful anniversary/birthday celebration with Quinn. It was relaxing and fun.  We went to DC and toured around many sites and did wonderful things like: horseback riding in Gettysburg, biking to and from Mount Vernon, touring both houses of the Congress, going through the Holocaust exhibit for almost four hours (and could have been there longer), going to a beach and just spending a lot of wonderful time together.

During that time, especially on my birthday, I learned that I don't really like things centering around me.  When they do, I get selfish and get feeling a little grumpy and ancy.

Getting together with my children, gathering them from their different places, has been magical and wonderful as well.  Hyrum just came home from scout camp, Lily spent a week at the Zyborgs along with Elijah and Xai, and the three little girls from visiting with Aaron and Niesha.  It felt so good to be home.  Lily said she missed having our family together for prayer after we said it again. It did feel oh so good.

Family prayer and scripture study have truly been a blessing.  Sometimes when I wonder at the peace that we do have in our home amidst the chaos and contention, the Spirit whispers that it is because we are doing the "simple" things the best we can like those two nightly activities, going to church, going to the temple regularly, doing family history and having weekly FHE.

A couple times on our trip it came up that we are expecting our twelfth child.  Trust me. It is a topic I don't bring up on my own.  When people do ask and I tell them, most of the time there is a blank stare and a kind of "I have no response to that" kind of response :).  One was with a couple that had been married for 44 years that we met.  He was an airline pilot and they had two boys.  The woman said that she loved children a bit wistfully and I assured her that I thought one was a lot of children.  I do.  Each number of children has their own challenges, unique to the number and the personalities of the children.  It is definitely an individual choice and no kind of badge of honor or race to have children. Our choice has simply felt right for us.  And we are super excited for the newest one to join us in a few months :).

Many people say, "God bless you!" when they hear how many children we have to which I normally respond, "Yes, He has."  With a big smile.  Some say, "You must be busy," to which I respond, "We are all busy...we just pick what we are busy doing.  I am busy with kids." Normally I add, "And I love it."  Which I do.

Being with them tonight has been particularly wonderful.  Like Xai's hovering and frequent hugs and me soothing Elijah as he stirs fitfully in his sleep with a song, "Mary's Lullaby":

All mine in your loveliness, baby all mine;
All mine in your holiness, baby all mine;Sing on herald angels in chorus sublime,Sing on and adore...for tonight you are mine.

Away speckled future of sorrow and plight.Away to the years that must follow tonight.The pains of Gethsemane...let them be dim.The red drops of Calvary, not Lord, for him. 

Oh, let me enfold thee, my baby, tonight:While legions re singing in joyous delight.A new star has risen to hail thee divine,For you are a king, but tonight you are mine.

Sure, there has been grumpiness, particularly on the part of baby Eli, but for the most part, it has been an overall feeling of being comfortably together once again.  The children definitely all had a fabulous week and are the better for their time with family and at camp, but there has been a little something special in the air as we do our nightly routine of scripture, song and prayer, read to the little ones and baths, and bedtime.

For the last half hour, though, I have been waging the war once again.  Bed bugs.  I have been pretty tired so I am unsure of the number.  Sigh. We all had a little break this last week after sanitizing and then staying other places, but here we go again!

It felt like here were so many bugs tonight after a few weeks of only a few per night.  Most of them had fed.  Part of me is oh so grateful that I was able to catch and kill so many.  That many less to grow and reproduce.  We have the exterminator coming once again on Wednesday for the second treatment.  While I pray that it may take care of the problem as it is supposed to, I am seeing my prayers answered in different ways.

For instance, tonight I was groggy when I woke up around 3 am. I sent a quick prayer heavenward asking, do I really need to get up?  The response I thought I got was, "Don't worry about it."  Well, I got up anyway and found all those bugs...freshly fed upon my children.  I did a few rounds and kept finding more. (I will go up and do some more searching after this.)

While it is satisfying to find and kill them, I always wonder at the ones I am not finding. I spray excess 91% rubbing alcohol around everywhere and just worry.  Well, I worry less lately and feel more resigned.  At one point tonight the thought floated across my mind as I found three or four at a time in a spot by Hyrum, "Do you still trust in Me?"

Yes, was my calm response, for which I was grateful. I have learned that God definitely doesn't answer our prayers in the way we expect Him to all the time.  He could have kept this bed-bug trial from us.  It just takes one bug.  My faith in the all-powerful ways of God have not diminished though it has been strained at times, for which I am grateful.  I am grateful now that, at least at this moment, I can answer with Job that even if God doesn't seem to be taking care of things the way we want Him to, we can know He is still there.

As I wrote earlier, I just went to the Holocaust museum with Quinn. I was grateful for my testimony that I know that this life is not the beginning nor the end, but the second act of a three act play.  I am grateful to know that God took up those poor souls to Him in glory to enjoy a far greater amount of time and paradise than this world can offer.  While their tests were horrifically cruel, they are over.  

There is a song based upon an inscription found in a hiding place for the Jews during World War II:

“I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining
And I believe in love,
even when there’s no one there.
And I believe in God,
even when he is silent.

I believe through any trial,
there is always a way
But sometimes in this suffering
and hopeless despair
My heart cries for shelter,
to know someone’s there
But a voice rises within me, saying hold on
my child, I’ll give you strength,
I’ll give you hope. Just stay a little while.

I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining
And I believe in love
even when there’s no one there
But I believe in God
even when he is silent
I believe through any trial
there is always a way.

May there someday be sunshine
May there someday be happiness
May there someday be love
May there someday be peace….”

 (My thanks to my beautiful niece, Sarah, for introducing this song to my heart so many years ago.)

My minor, minor trial of bedbugs is nothing compared to the horror and depravity Jews, Russians, Serbs, Africans, Chinese, Cambodians, Muslims, fellow Christians and so many others have had to suffer at the hands of terrorists and dictators.  But I can learn from this message of hope.

I can believe in God, even when he is silent.
I can believe in any trial, there is always a way.

If God Really Loved Me...

I was reading in Matthew 4:1-11 this morning about the temptations of Christ and was struck by something.  Satan tries to convince the Savior that
-- if God really loved him, God would satisfy Christ's physical appetite
--if God really loved him, God would spare Christ adversity: "lest at any time thou dash thy foot against a stone."
--if God really loved him, God would bless Christ with prosperity, to which Christ replies that he has chosen riches of a different kind, the kind that come with worshiping God and putting him before the goal of wealth and power.


I hear echoes of this around me and in my own heart:
--if God really loved me, he would let me satisfy my physical cravings or instincts to my heart's content.
--if God really loved me, he would take away this trial or, even better!  Not let it happen.  Because, you know that He could if He wanted to, right? (This is an unfortunately murmuring familiar to my heart right now.)
--if God really loved me, I would have my financial goals accomplished because I am a genuinely good person, right? And isn't that the reward I should get?

If I listen within my heart, I hear this reply:
--because I love you, my child, I know that if you seek to satisfy your natural man instincts (food, lust, anger), they will lead you into bondage.
--because I love you, my child, I know you need this trial to be happier.  Trust me...what I have in store for you is only possible after this trial.  Please be patient.  Don't tempt me to remove it through my love for you and leave you where you are.
--do you love me, my child, more than your financial and other "success" goals?  Am I first in your heart and in your life?  Don't you know that what I have to share with you is so much more rewarding?

Once again, I am so grateful for all my Elder Brother has to teach me.  I am grateful that He went through this life with us to show me a better way.  Even if I don't often live up to it.  

As Nephi tells us in 2 Nephi 31:20, our responsibility in this life is to love God, love others, press forward (keep trying!), feast on the words of Christ (scriptures, prayer, temple, church), and then...endure!  Or keep trying some more.  I guess I can keep trying :).

Felt prompted to include this...because God really does love us.  For us.  For who we are and not for what we have done or what we have become.

The Best is Yet to Be

Holland:

As a new year begins and we try to benefit from a proper view of what has gone before, I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives.

So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently, she thought that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as what she was leaving behind.

To yearn to go back to a world that cannot be lived in now, to be perennially dissatisfied with present circumstances and have only dismal views of the future, and to miss the here and now and tomorrow because we are so trapped in the there and then and yesterday are some of the sins of Lot’s wife.

Lessons from Utah and a Good Life

This is a bit of a vulnerable post. I felt I should share it. I pray that those who can learn something from it will read it and those who don't will not find it.  Sometimes trusting is hard.  It will be interesting to get up to Heaven and see how many times I felt "inspired" to do something was actual inspiration and not just something in my head. Here goes...

Hi, my missionaries!

It has been a great trip overall. I feel that things have really come full circle with some of the youth I knew here:

-Jordan's endowment

-Kenna's farewell

-Isaiah got his mission call in the mail but is away at Youth Conference so won't open it until Sat :D

-We are going to Jon Moore's homecoming in Andover, NY the Sunday after I get home (2 days!)

-Dallin and Megan in a play

-...and just so many youth all grown up and doing wonderful things :D.

It has been amazing for Drew, too.  He was going to go to public school next year but yesterday he startled me with a decision that he was going to go straight to GCC for classes and not go to public school next year.  I had been fine with whatever he decided and last night he walked me through his mental process. It was cool to see the hand of the Lord in our time together here.

Drew said that when he was in Utah before, he felt kind of lost, like he didn't really know who he was and just reflected those around him. (I had noticed that as well.)  When he came to NY, all of a sudden he was very different from his peers...in that he homeschooled, and some of them made him feel less for it. (Curse them.)  He felt that this attitude made him consider public school, just so he wouldn't be "missing out."  We were both at peace with it and, despite the struggle the school was having at placing him, we were both willing to pay the price so Drew could have that experience. I kind of wondered if that was the reason but felt if he wanted it, it would be best for him to do it and have no regrets.

Well, apparently coming to Utah and seeing a bunch of confident, capable, "happy with themselves" homeschoolers has changed his mind and helped him see that he is okay how he is and that there is freedom in being able to control your own schedule and education...and that you can be cool and happy at the same time!  He is excited now to start GCC and said last night, "I feel so happy and peaceful!  This must be what heaven feels like, although it is probably just 1/100th of what it feels like."  My heart felt so happy for him!  He feels more at peace with himself than I remember ever feeling.  

It was also cool going to the "drop-off" for all the equipment for camp.  It was yesterday morning and we got to meet Delose, the director, and the other leaders and boys all just have a great feeling about them.  Sure, they will be imperfect and probably drive Drew crazy on occasion (I warned him :D), but they are good people.  You could sense that.

Other than that, I had a great lunch with my brother, Dave, and he offered to do some facetime lunches later which he hasn't been up to for a while.  I had dinner with Nathan and Justin and really enjoyed talking with them while Drew played basketball with the Youngbergs, Packs and Bates. (Crazy that he would pick them over dinner with us, eh :)?)

Yesterday we went to Beus pond with Housholders and Bates and chilled and chatted. The youth were their usual awesome with the little ones (super cute!  like Aaron and Joy and Drew and Olivia H...tots adorb!) and I enjoyed soaking up a beautiful Utah summer day with good friends.  It has been funny.  Driving around Utah, my heart longs for NY.  It is more than just Daddy and the kids being there.  It is a feeling.  Karen said that perhaps it was because we have fought and worked so much to be there.  Perhaps :D.  And perhaps it has just become home in my heart. It was a good place to be.

I enjoyed a family gathering with my side of the family on Sunday night.  Everyone in Utah was there (except Justin) and it was fun to laugh and play games with everyone. I have found a couple more great games to share at home!  "Guillotine" and "Cover Your Assets" are two definite ones :).  I don't know if either of you were here when we discovered "Exploding Kittens" (morbid name, i know) but they had an expansion pack there that night.  Charla made her usual wonderous treat: a chocolate, cookie dough, peanut butter concoction that was the consistency of something between fudge and cheesecake.  Luscious.

I am looking forward to visiting again in December over Christmas.  We are thinking of driving you back to college, Tova, and visiting people along the way.  Grandma and Grandpa might be there to skype with you, too, Kel!  Party, party!

I am excited to go home tonight. My flight leaves a little after midnight and gets in about noon tomorrow into Rochester.  From there we head south to Hornell to celebrate Father's Day with Opa (and Oma, of course :D), spend the night, and then head to the Moore's for church in the morning to hear Jon report.  Oh, that reminds me, Enoch Woolsey just got home from California and said he knew a few people who came home to his area after serving missions in Hungary. Small world! (I didn't even realize Enoch had been gone!)

Today I am going to visit Marni in a couple hours.  We are going to watch a woman I knew from Oma and Opa's ward spin wool into yarn and dye it.  After I do that (and enjoy Marni) we are heading to SLC to have dinner and games with G-ma and G-pa.  I will drop off Drew at Housholders (hopefully....if the report from today's weather indicates that camp can open) so he can leave at 6 am, I will drop off the car at the Jensen's, hop on FrontRunner and go to the airport.  Crazy, crazy!

It is amazing to see the hand of the Lord in all things. He truly is there.  My brother Dave said that most people try and lay out their games of life so things are calm and get easier.  He said I seemed to make it deliberately hard for myself. I have thought about this.  I realized how it may look from the outside. I am really a home-body who likes consistency and comfort.  But even more than that, I have dreams for my kids, dreams of righting wrongs and fighting injustice, dreams of living a life of meaning and purpose.  God has answered my prayers for those dreams through the trials and adversity that come.  Some dreams are too big to be found in the logical re-arranging of our lives.  And they are worth it.

I thought about him and some of the struggles he is having with his life and children. It occurred to me that no path is easy.  No game is perfect no matter how much to try and rearrange it to be such.  I don't know what is best for him but I just thought, if I pray and act in faith, acting on the seeds God offers me when I request a certain flower or outcome, I need to be prepared to weed (adversity) and water (with tears) the seed He gives me in answer to my prayers to make it grow.

I have felt sometimes that I am truly losing myself in service to those around me...often at great sacrifice to myself. It has not always been done with holiness of heart and is often done with a victim mentality.  But as I have decided that I indeed want to serve God first, and have striven to prove it, He is now asking me "what do you want, my daughter?  what do you really want?"

I have found a life rich in meaning and purpose. I find myself surrounded by the fruits of years of sacrifice and service and a self that I can respect and even be happy with a little :D.  But most importantly, I find myself even closer to a God that I know, trust and love with all my heart.

The other day at the temple, after doing the session with Jordan, I found myself pondering on a chair on my own.  Out of the blue came the thought, "Mom, I am here."  I recognized that little spirit. It was my Isaak.  Overcome with tears, I took myself to the far side of the Celestial Room and faced the wall.  "i just wanted to give you a hug, Mommy."  And he did. I felt it as much as I have ever felt a hug.  And then the embrace was strengthened as I felt the arms of my Savior around me.  I recognized that embrace.  It held me as I rocked in pain on my bed after Isaak died.  It has held me so many, many times.

Life is sweet. Life is good.  Life is precious.  And the only way to truly find it is on the other side of self-less service.

Like in my Amish book ;).

Love you both with all my heart.  Thanks for your letters and your love...

:) Anyu-ommy

-- 

Family blog: www,thesingingbees.blogspot.com

"Mary-ness":  www.mylazarusquest.blogspot.com

It is what you read when you don't have to that determines
what you will be when you can't help it. ~Oscar Wilde

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.... You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you... We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Do We Trust Our Spiritual Spotter?

Next to my bathroom mirror, I have the Relief Society Declaration. It is a good reminder of basic truths of who I am and who I want to become.  As I went through it again this morning while grooming for church, a part stood out to me:

seek spiritual strength by following the promptings of the Holy Ghost

Now, I am a very visual person, so as my mind kind of stuck on that idea, the image of my sons working out, lifting weights, came to mind.  My mind is good at brainstorming with different kinds of ideas so immediately it set to work to make a connection between this idea of developing a visual kind of spiritual strength that paralleled what I saw my sons and husband do.

It occurred to me that it is a regular habit to be effective and it is gradual.  You begin with small weights (perhaps even the bar at first) and then gradually work up.  Then your muscles are able to handle more and your "strength" increases.

So how does that work with spiritual strength?  I envisioned praying, seeking inspiration and having a prompting.  Then acting on it.  How does that develop strength?  It occurred to me that as we follow promptings, rather than developing our own physical muscles, we are tapping into God's strength and power and the more we practice by following promptings, the more of God's strength and power we access.  

It is like we don't understand the capacity of God's spiritual strength and need to, bit by bit, develop a deeper faith in His ability to lift those weights.

Yes, we preach all the time about "God's unending strength" but, honestly, when it comes down to things like tragedy, addictions, world problems, dirty kitchens, do we really respond with "God's got it and if I trust in His inspiration to me, His promptings through the Holy Ghost, I'm good!"

No.  At least I don't.  I doubt, I fret. I worry. I get anxious.

I think developing spiritual strength is more about recognizing God's capacity and not depending so much on our own.

Perhaps He is like the ultimate spotter.  He brings over weights that we don't think we can possibly bear.  Bit by bit as we put our hands on the bar, take a deep breath and trust Him, He eases those weights down on us just enough that our own pitiful spiritual muscles begin to work.  We visually see the weights of our burdens, etc., but perhaps the spiritual strength we are seeking to develop is a deeper trust in our Spotter, a trust that He is there holding those weights and lowering them just enough that we can feel, develop and grow and know that He loves us enough that the weights will never drop on us...as long as we invite Him to be our spotter, perhaps.

Just musing.  

I am a go-getter.  A independent self-improvement wacko,  you might say. I am an idealist. I see that gym full of weights, flex my wimpy spiritual muscles and go over and take on weights and put them on my bar. I think God must look on me lovingly and say, "Darlin', let me put the weights on you, just follow the promptings (put on the weights) that I give you, and trust that together, you will become just who you need to be."

Interesting.  Thinking about that imagery of the gym, how often do we think other people should take on different weights, challenges, goals, thinking we know best, not realizing that in God's infinite capacity, He can be individually spotting everyone in that gym of His creation?

Seek spiritual strength by following the promptings of the Holy Ghost.  It strikes me that it doesn't say "seek spiritual strength by thinking of every good thing you should do and become and then go for it."  

Thinking, thinking, thinking...