The Laborer and the Stuffed Animal

Happy birthday, Mom!

I am so excited about the connections I found in the reading for "Come Follow Me" study this week. Even the title of the program, "Come Follow Me," is an invitation of the Savior to find "what lack I yet?" by learning from Him every week. Are we turning to the Savior through our studies? I have done so more this week than ever before and it has been a joy!!

First, the reading in Matthew 19 starts off with the Pharisees and a question about divorce. We don't know the context of this argument or why it was such a sticking point for them (that I know of) but Christ teaches that divorce is not encouraged and in fact we have been commanded to cleave unto our spouse in love and righteousness.  Dallin H. Oaks adds this clarification:

Heavenly Father intends for the marriage relationship to be eternal. However, God also understands that “because of the hardness of [our] hearts” (Matthew 19:8), including the poor choices and selfishness of one or both spouses, divorce is sometimes necessary."

So divorce is a question of selfishness, whether of one or both spouses.  So hard.

Similarly, following up with this debate, children are brought by those who love them to see and be blessed by the Lord. The children are turned away, selfishly or erroneously. Christ admonishes them: be unselfish. Let them come.

Then the rich young man enters the scene: "I have obeyed all these commandments; what next?" In Mark's account, we see that the Savior loves the young man and in this setting says, "Go and sell all that thou hast and give it to the poor." Give of your wealth and trust me that I can take care of you.

The Savior follows up with a sad statement of how hard it is for those with abundance to follow Christ. 

To give away all and take up the cross. 

Pure unselfishness...and I don't believe He is just talking about an abundance of riches. 

In a great talk by Larry R. Lawrence, "What Lack I Yet?" he gives several instances of people with an abundance of foul language, criticism, etc. Any time we have an abundance of something—hate, jealously, possessions, books, knowledge, and even sickness and tragedy and previous spiritual experiences!—and allow that to get in the way of turning to the Lord now, it can get in the way of receiving His blessings.

And what are those blessings?

Well, that is exactly what the Apostles asked next!

"What are we going to get since we are following thee? Since we did give up all?"

His answer: "To all that forsake home, mother, father, everything that seems that it should be most dear, and follow me, I will give back to them one hundredfold." Whatever you give up, He will restore it to you 100xs over. That is some incredible return on investment, eh?

Now the following parable is amazing, in relevance and in hope. I mean, who of us are really ready to give up all that we have, sell that which we have—our riches, our hate, our learning— and in turn depend upon the Savior for our hire, for our wages? I most certainly have my own favorite sins :S. We may be like the rich young man and initially go away sorrowing. But the parable of the laborers give us hope. For no matter when we consent to be hired of the Lord (for the man hiring simply went to the marketplace and gathered up those who were idle and were willing to come and work), we will receive all that the Father had. If I am not ready to consecrate all now, He is patient. I will miss the peace of knowing that at the end of the day, my family will be "fed and clothed" as was the assurance given to those early laborers with their promised wage.   But I will receive the same reward, whenever I am ready to be "hired of the Lord."

As Elder Holland said in his remarkable talk about this parable,

It is a story about grace. It underscores the thought I heard many years ago that surely the thing God enjoys most about being God is the thrill of being merciful, especially to those who don’t expect it and often feel they don’t deserve it.

What a beautiful sequence of teachings! 

 Following this, the apostles continue to jostle over position...they just don't get it! They have an abundance of time with our Savior, an abundance of His love, and they just can't let go of that early laborer feeling of jealousy of "I deserve more than them!" To their arguing the Savior lovingly replies: If you would be great, give up that which you have—your leadership, your prestige, your quest for position and power—and serve. Serve, serve, serve. Be unselfish.

28 Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.

Lily and I had a conversation the other day. She commented how she sends out so many letters, and she just doesn't know if they are doing any good. This is the labor of the Lord that consecrates us. To serve, to minister, and not necessarily be ministered unto. For as we do so, we are working side by side with our Savior in His Vineyard, even though we don't see Him there. These are parables and examples of trust. Do we trust that when God says that He will reward up more than we are able to comprehend that it will not matter what our neighbor gets? That we will be okay? That we will be happy?

As Holland also put it in his talk on this parable: "The race is against sin, not each other."

The final beautiful example in Matthew 20 is not out of place. Jesus is walking down the street and there are multitudes around. Two beggars seek his attention but the multitude seeks to drown them out. In the face of social backlash, the beggars both implore the Savior to "have mercy" on them. He asks what they would like. They want to be able to see. He does so. And this is what we can receive as we persist in the face of the clamor and the uproar and the possible backlash in our lives as we persist to the Savior and ask to see more clearly what it is that we lack and then trust that we can give that to Him and still be okay.

I have seen this happen in my life this week. God has placed a few items in my mind that I should work on. Usually, I reason and justify and find side tasks to do first...and end up not getting the thing done that seems too hard, too out of reach. This week I have purposefully decided to trust: trust that my children will be cared for as I focus on these tasks; trust that when I am asked to speak to a child about something seemingly difficult or periphery that it is going to "work"; and even to trust when to be silent when I feel a lesson should be taught and know the child will be okay. Sometimes my own wisdom, reasoning and experience stepped in the way.  But each time I have acted on these promptings, I have been amazed. Truly a week of miracles. A week of light.

It hasn't been easy. 

 Case in point: One morning, we were getting ready to go to the YMCA. Now, getting this crew anywhere is pretty epic so I choose my outings very carefully :D. Not only are there the logistics (no problem, relatively speaking) but there are the emotions.  Zsa-man is one of my most emotionally touchy kids and today it was his turn to put the brakes on the preparation. He saw Papaya carry out a stuffed animal. He insisted he must have one as well. Now, I had already prepared a container of cereal, arranged for a pair of non-irritating socks, and not even tried to offer him any but his best shoes. I thought, "letting him get a stuffed animal is worth it and will take less time," even though he was one of the last to get ready to go. (Normally a few minutes would not be a big deal, but we were trying to squeeze basketball in before one of Quinn's appointments so we were even more in a hurry than usual.)

Happily, Zsa-man hurried upstairs to get a stuffed animal. He returned, we commenced the "shoe-ing" and then he happen to see that Papaya had not one, but two stuffed animals. Oh dear! Let the drama unfold. Everyone else was gone, I tried to convince him that it would be okay, to count his many blessings (which I numbered to him while I carefully put on his socks just right so they wouldn't "feel weird"). I even told him I would let him watch a movie when we got home (a rare fun at our house)! Wasn't that cause for rejoicing?

Apparently not enough.

I carried him out, still mournful over the unfairness, over his woes.

As I humorously related the sequence of events to Quinn, chuckling over how Zsa-man was so fixated on that other stuffed animal that he couldn't see the many blessings he had, the Spirit whispered, "Sound familiar?"

My mind went instantly to the many times I let myself get in a funk because of that "other stuffed animal" that I lack. That things aren't just right, and ignore the abundance of blessings around me. This was one of my "What lack I yet?" experiences of the week and on Wednesday I had many opportunities to try and not become a Zsa-man-like basket case of emotions and forget my multitude of blessings.  Whew!  The things that went wrong!

Quite the week. Quite the lessons. Ware selfishness.  Trust the hundredfold promise.

"The formula of faith is to hold on, work on, see it through, and let the distress of earlier hours—real or imagined—fall away in the abundance of the final reward. Don’t dwell on old issues or grievances—not toward yourself nor your neighbor nor even, I might add, toward this true and living Church. The majesty of your life, of your neighbor’s life, and of the gospel of Jesus Christ will be made manifest at the last day, even if such majesty is not always recognized by everyone in the early going. So don’t hyperventilate about something that happened at 9:00 in the morning when the grace of God is trying to reward you at 6:00 in the evening—whatever your labor arrangements have been through the day."--Holland

Deception and Brownie Making

A friend recently initiated a great conversation about receiving revelation, specifically referencing a time that she had an impression--a distinct thought--that did not come to pass.  I have had a few personal experiences similar to that; for instance, a distinct impression--so strong!--that my 10th baby, little Spooner, was to be my last baby.  It was strong, out of the blue when he was 3 months old, and felt so sure.  More about that later.

I have wondered for a long time about the idea that what we receive as revelation might not be revelation--the idea that Satan can imitate the Spirit to the point where he can deceive us.  I don't know that this is possible unless we let that happen.  

I know that I have read or heard a quote that is to the effect that Satan cannot imitate the feelings of peace that comes with the Holy Ghost.  Korihor (in Alma) speaks about his experience in being "deceived" by Satan, that Satan came in the form of an angel of God...but Korihor knew that it was still Satan but said that because what Satan said appealed  to him, Korihor acted on it.  But even then, Korihor recognized that it was Satan.

Moses in the first chapter of the Pearl of Great Price has the experience of conversing with the Lord face to face and falls to the earth, overwhelmed, when the Lord departs.  Satan then appears and says, "Son of man, worship me."  Moses, having just had an amazing spiritual experience, easily recognizes the counterfeit of Satan.  I do not believe that someone who is having daily experiences with God through prayer, scriptures, repentance and Sabbath day observance including partaking of the Sacrament and temple attendance can be deceived.  Satan just cannot imitate those feelings of peace that helped Moses detect Satan's counterfeit.

My follow-up, second thought is that I believe that if an earnest, seeking person who is actively striving to have spiritual encounters through those "Primary answers" receives revelation, he or she will be blessed for acting on it with sincere intent.  Take my experiences.  I changed how I looked upon and treated that baby.  Everything that had become mundane became significant and special...because it was the last time I was going to have a little baby.  I appreciated every wonder that the years of 9 previous babies had lost in the repetition of motherhood.  Motherhood regained its magic.  

Perhaps if I had not changed, he would have been my last.  Perhaps it was a warning.  I know that I felt it strongly, distinctly, and that I acted righteously upon it.   And perhaps it was an Abraham/Isaac experience.  Because Abraham didn't end up having to kill Isaac, did it mean that God hadn't asked Abraham to kill Isaac?  Just food for thought.

Again, I really don't believe that Satan can deceive an honest seeker of truth who is seeking to have daily spiritual connections with God.  In Joseph Smith Matthew it reads regarding the last days (emphasis added):

5 And Jesus answered, and said unto them: Take heed that no man deceive you;

6 For many shall come in my name, saying—I am Christ—and shall deceive many;

7 Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you, and ye shall be hated of all nations, for my name’s sake;

8 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another;

9 And many false prophets shall arise, and shall deceive many;

10 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold;

11 But he that remaineth steadfast and is not overcome, the same shall be saved.

12 When you, therefore, shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, concerning the destruction of Jerusalem, then you shall stand in the holy place; whoso readeth let him understand...

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19 All things which have befallen them are only the beginning of the sorrows which shall come upon them.

20 And except those days should be shortened, there should none of their flesh be saved; but for the elect’s sake, according to the covenant, those days shall be shortened.

21 Behold, these things I have spoken unto you concerning the Jews; and again, after the tribulation of those days which shall come upon Jerusalem, if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there, believe him not;

22 For in those days there shall also arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall show great signs and wonders, insomuch, that, if possible, they shall deceive the very elect, who are the elect according to the covenant.

23 Behold, I speak these things unto you for the elect’s sake; and you also shall hear of wars, and rumors of wars; see that ye be not troubled, for all I have told you must come to pass; but the end is not yet.

24 Behold, I have told you before;

I had another personal experience that emphasizes the importance of having the Spirit with us and how it can help us detect if something is wrong.  It is closely related to making brownies :D.

When I make brownies, I always test the batter.  Why?  Well, I love how it tastes, but more importantly, over years of making it I can tell by a quick taste if the two smallest, yet crucial, ingredients are there: salt and vanilla.   How do I know they are not there? Because through experience I can detect the difference if they are there or not.

Years ago when I was at Yale, I took a "Medieval Christian Thought" class which I was sadly disappointed to learn had nothing to do with chivalry and Middle Age mysticism and dealt with the development of the post-Christ Christian churches.   As part of this course, I read the works of Augustine, one of the great shapers of thought at that time and since.  

Now, at Yale I felt bombarded and alone.  I didn't know more than a handful of new associates in our local branch and was miles away from my home in Utah.  It was completely foreign territory.  So every day, as a lifeline, I read my scriptures and journaled about it for at least 20 minutes every single day.  Without fail.  And it sustained me. And did more than that.

As I read Augustine's thoughts, I found myself agreeing with his explanation of doctrine. "I agree with all this!" I happily discovered.  And then, all of a sudden, something seemed wrong.  What I was reading felt wrong.  Now, I don't know how you were in college, but I spent a lot of time sitting over a page with only half a mind paying attention.  But something grabbed my attention with a certain wrongness about it.  I read it over carefully and found that all of a sudden, what I was reading was not doctrinally compatible with what I believed and had been taught.  What had changed? I wondered.  

I carefully went back over the text and found one little assumption in logic that Augustine had made in his line of reasoning that tweaked the whole argument into that wrong direction.  Now, was I, at the age of 18, ready to take on Augustine's years of logic and rhetoric?  Certainly not on my own!  But that feeling of wrongness--like when I taste that brownie batter and can tell that something is different--is a gift of God that comes when we feel the Spirit...and then it is gone.  

I have a daughter that struggles with feeling the Spirit.  She is one of the sweetest purest people I know and she struggle because she says, "Mom!  I just don't feel the Spirit speaking to me!"  A dear family member I recently spoke with is the same way.  He has always put himself into a "second-class" of members of the Church that don't feel the Spirit very often.

This is what brings me to a great Hank Smith talk* I recommend to anyone.  Sometimes, we have the Spirit with us so much that it is in it's absence that we realize it is no longer with us.  Some of us so naturally engage in the actions that qualify us for the Spirit that it is not until it is absent that we recognize that it was there.  It speaks to us all so differently.  I firmly believe that with people like my family member and daughter, they don't need a lot of direction and nudging because they so naturally and intuitively respond to the Spirit.  They are two of the most humble people I know!  I believe it is this desperation, this seeking, this humility, this pure intent that qualifies us for the Spirit and can sometimes be unrecognizable...kind of like when we have had the blanket on us all night and then wake up feeling cold because the blanket has slipped off.  We sleep blissfully, not recognizing the blanket upon us...until it is gone and we feel it's lack.

I just don't believe the sincerely seeking and practicing child of God can be deceived by Satan unless they allow it to happen.  Here's another great way to tell if you are being manipulated by Satan or being inspired of God:

"Do not be kept from the very source of true healing by the craftiness of the prince of evil and his wicked lies. Recognize that if you have feelings that you are not loved by your Father in Heaven, you are being manipulated by Satan. Even when it may seem very difficult to pray, kneel and ask Father in Heaven to give you the capacity to trust Him and to feel His love for you." --Richard G. Scott 4/2008

And the things we learn from the Spirit, like brownies well-made, will be delicious. 

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*a link to the cd collection that has this talk: "How Can I Know If I Am Feeling The Spirit?"

**A great talk that came to mind is Corbidge's talk in a recent BYU address--Feb 2019, I think--that talks about "primary" and "secondary" questions and I think that this applies to "primary" and "secondary" revelation.

Another great talk about revelation:

And a great video:

Listening Long Enough to Hear the Answer

This week has been fun.

Our van was in the shop until Tuesday evening so some great friends, the Durrants and Paces, have lent us their cars so that we could go to church and doctor's appointments and all that other good stuff :D. Yesterday we were able to go to the temple in our van which was awesome and even met up with a sister missionary, Sister Atkins, whom I cherish! We walked in the Sacred Grove and I felt such peace. I asked in my heart my standing before the Lord. Sister Gardner, Sister Atkin's companion, shared about how often we ask the Lord a question and don't expect the answer to be so clear like it was for Joseph Smith...when we have every reason to believe it could be!

So I asked the question.

As I walked in the forest, I felt the peace and calm that always happens in that sacred place when I allow it to. Too often I take for granted the nearness and frequency of my opportunities to be there. As we may be moving soon, I guess it hit home that haven't taken advantage of the opportunity to let it change my life as often as I could. The birds sang, the green encroachment of spring spread in misty silence as I walked with my little ones in tow. Well, actually I was holding sweet Liesl's sticky little hand while Hava led dancing Maia, plodding Eli and thoughtful Xai along in front of me on the trail. So not exactly in tow...

Later that day in my scripture study I was pondering the same question and looking for my answer. I felt inspired to read in 3 Nephi 11 and at the beginning of the chapter it depicted the time when the Savior came and first there were three announcements of His arrival. The people couldn't understand it the first two times, they did the third and then they saw their Savior before them. I realize now as I write this that sometimes I don't understand the answer the first time and that doesn't mean that God isn't answering me. Here was one of the most significant events in human history and the thing that came before the "great reveal" was three independent witnesses to the individuals' hearts and minds.

So often I think that I undervalue the significance of the still small voice of the Holy Ghost in revealing God's truth, maybe that the angels bearing witness in glowing person should count more.

Also, I thought about how sometimes we don't understand the answer the first time. Maybe they were not really looking for the answer so they weren't ready to understand it. Maybe my back-history of negative self identity stand in the way of me understanding truly what God sees in my as I try to hear His voice through the clouds and mists of personal esteem darkness. But He is answering. Like those people at the time of the coming in the land of ancient America before the first coming of the Savior to them, I can hear something whispering in my heart the truth of how God sees me and my worth in His eyes. I just need to keep listening, asking and focusing and someday I will hear it clearly. And someday my Savior will be there to tell me in person.

Trust God and Study "Come Follow Me"!

 I was reviewing the “Come Follow Me” material for this week and right at the beginning I am encouraged to write down my impressions from the still small whisperings of the Holy Ghost. And I had some this week and didn't want to lose them.

I have been praying that my relationship with one of my kids will be healed. Will be sweet again. They are an amazing person; I know that. There just has been something “off” between us for a while as they are in a challenging time of life. A hard place. So, I had a couple of strange inspirations that I acted on. One was to not feel compelled to try and fix it for a few days. Not really ignore them but not be actively trying to be on their good side. And then, when a situation came to a head a couple days ago and this child was venting, I could feel so much on my side that wanted to defend myself! However, after a few attempts (unsuccessful) I asked the Spirit, “Should I reply? What can I say?” The impression I felt was that nothing I would do or say would change anything right then so I decided to just listen and ponder what they were saying. 

And somehow, somehow everything seems a little better. Maybe it was just listening without trying to be defensive. Maybe it was that they felt heard. I don't know. But as I sat down to listen/read Matthew 18 this morning the prompt was that God's answers are not always the ones that make sense and that experience this week came to mind. I am continually stunned by the timeliness and application of the truths of the week we are studying in my personal life...in the deepest needs of my soul for answers. Truly miraculous. By small and simple means indeed. Two chapters sent out to all the church members of the world to read,...and my questions are answered. Incredible.

Link for this week for those who want it:

https://www.lds.org/study/manual/come-follow-me-for-individuals-and-families-new-testament-2019/16?lang=eng

Fill your lamps and prepare for the coming of the Bridegroom!

Today as I started in on my Sabbath day prep, I felt impressed of the importance to fill my lamp with oil and encourage those around me so to do, as in the parable of the 10 virgins:

1 Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom.

2 And five of them were wise, and five were foolish.

3 They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them:

4 But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps.

5 While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept.

6 And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroomcometh; go ye out to meet him.

7 Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps.

8 And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out.

9 But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves.

10 And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut.

11 Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us.

12 But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not.

13 Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.

I feel like at General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for the past year, I have heard the cry from our apostles and prophet: Behold the bridegroom cometh. I can feel the futility of trying to fill other people's lamps with my oil. I have tried! I have seen people in front of me struggling with their testimony and understanding of God and not be able to help them. I have seen people do the same for me, trying to reach me and I just am not hearing it or getting it.

For I believe the oil is the preparation to hear and accept the Savior into our hearts. And if we don't have experience getting oil through the slow gathering of olives, the pressure and time it takes to extract the oils through daily prayer, scripture study, weekly Sabbath sacrament partaking, and regular temple attendance we are not going to recognize truth. It is like in a children's story I read my children, “With You All The Way” in which three people set out on a quest through a forest to reach the king's castle and they have to pass through this forest full of “hopenots” dark sinister creatures whose greatest weapon is imitation and deception. There is a flute played by the king daily that will help the questers on their journey if they can recognize it above the flutes of the hopenots. Only the one who took the Savior as his constant companion, who listened to the correct tune of the flute daily and even hourly sometimes, was able to make it through to the end.

I feel that way, the mists of darkness swirling around me as in Lehi's dream in the Book of Mormon, for all of us must travel through mists of darkness and see if we will hold onto the iron rod, the word of God, to make it through. I have felt the immediate relief of dark deception as I turn on conference talks to listen to or open the scriptures. Every single time I have felt the darkness depart. I may not see my way with perfect clarity (the mists are still around me) but I can feel a peace of separation from the darkness, like a shield. I feel the same way in the temple. Sometimes it is harder during prayer, because then my own voice of self-doubt resounds loudly in my head if I get distracted, which I easily do, bless Heavenly Father for His patience with me!

God will not let them fail because of me!

 April 25, 2019

I get really tired of being around and hurting people. I like to hope and think that the good I do outweighs the bad but I don't get why God doesn't just let us wink ourselves out of existence if we want to. I mean, I think there would be far greater good done with me not being here than otherwise.

You think so, my daughter?

Yes. I mean, I disappoint, hurt, mis-feed, don't teach enough, spend enough time with, read to, listen to, be with, serve enough...just my kids!!! And that doesn't even start with my sweet husband, my family, friends...all these people I love. I think the loaves and fishes thing is just crazy. I want to believe it but I just don't see it feeding the people. I see my children's sadness, their...I don't know. They are pretty awesome.

I came home from the temple today with a friend who is visiting us from Ohio and Hava to find all the other kids out playing in the sunshine happily together. I mean, they wanted to be out there together, you could tell. Older with younger, all enjoying each other. I don't get it. They are learning a bunch, I guess. Why does it feel there is so much I am not helping to facilitate in their lives? Why do I feel so inadequate? Like I am not doing enough? Ever. I really enjoy learning, being with them when they want me there, but then I also have a short attention span and tend to want to do something else.

For instance, today, my six-year-old was singing me the sweetest song of "True Colors" and I still felt frantic inside. I didn't feel it at the temple today.

I have come down a little more directly on one of my kids, calling them on not having their room clean very often. I want my home to be a haven and somehow, when those around me aren't doing the simple stewardships I have distributed to them, I feel it! Why is that? Why can't I just ignore it?

I feel overwhelmed. Is this my mist of darkness? I just don't know.

I will go and exercise tonight. Perhaps that will help. I will also listen to talks, etc. I need to just count my blessings but then I just keep thinking that I am messing up with the blessings I have been given. I mean, if someone else were to come and jump into my place with this family and these amazing kids and this amazing husband, wouldn't they be able to do so much more to help them?

How can I love and accept myself and the offering I have? My own loaves and fishes?

Today after getting home from the temple, I facilitated lunch and finishing up some jobs, read some "Book of Virtues" to the kids about courage and morality (according to Plato/Socrates), read a little about the geography of the US and then another chapter of the Belgariad. I took a nap, gave Andrew a piano lesson, practiced my piano to almost catch up for the week, and have done Duolingo up another level. I see the hand of the Lord in what I do. He does everything that is good in my life. I am grateful for all He has done. I wish I could do more to help others. I feel so inadequate.

April 28, 2019

I went to the gym the next morning, weighed down with the despair of trying to keep trying even though I seemed to be just hurting, hurting, hurting all those around me. I had just read in Alma 13 that morning and was struck with the following verses:

10 Now, as I said concerning the holy order, or this high priesthood, there were many who were ordained and became high priests of God; and it was on account of their exceeding faith and repentance, and their righteousness before God, they choosing to repent and work righteousness rather than to perish;

11 Therefore they were called after this holy order, and were sanctified, and their garments were washed white through the blood of the Lamb.

12 Now they, after being sanctified by the Holy Ghost, having their garments made white, being pure and spotless before God, could not look upon sin save it were with abhorrence; and there were many, exceedingly great many, who were made pure and entered into the rest of the Lord their God.

13 And now, my brethren, I would that ye should humble yourselves before God, and bring forth fruit meet for repentance, that ye may also enter into that rest.

14 Yea, humble yourselves even as the people in the days of Melchizedek, who was also a high priest after this same order which I have spoken, who also took upon him the high priesthood forever.

...

21 And now it came to pass that when Alma had said these words unto them, he stretched forth his hand unto them and cried with a mighty voice, saying: Now is the time to repent, for the day of salvation draweth nigh;

22 Yea, and the voice of the Lord, by the mouth of angels, doth declare it unto all nations; yea, doth declare it, that they may have glad tidings of great joy; yea, and he doth sound these glad tidings among all his people, yea, even to them that are scattered abroad upon the face of the earth; wherefore they have come unto us.

23 And they are made known unto us in plain terms, that we may understand, that we cannot err; and this because of our being wanderers in a strange land; therefore, we are thus highly favored, for we have these glad tidings declared unto us in all parts of our vineyard.

24 For behold, angels are declaring it unto many at this time in our land; and this is for the purpose of preparing the hearts of the children of men to receive his word at the time of his coming in his glory.

25 And now we only wait to hear the joyful news declared unto us by the mouth of angels, of his coming; for the time cometh, we know not how soon. Would to God that it might be in my day; but let it be sooner or later, in it I will rejoice.

26 And it shall be made known unto just and holy men, by the mouth of angels, at the time of his coming, that the words of our fathers may be fulfilled, according to that which they have spoken concerning him, which was according to the spirit of prophecy which was in them.

What stuck out to me was my responsibility to be meek, humble and trusting.  Argh!  Something else I was not good at, I felt.  Meek, I learned from a talk by Elder Bednar in a past conference is the following:

Meekness is a defining attribute of the Redeemer and is distinguished by

1. righteous responsiveness,
2. willing submissiveness, and
3. strong self-restraint...

The Christlike quality of meekness often is misunderstood in our contemporary world. Meekness is strong, not weak; active, not passive; courageous, not timid; restrained, not excessive; modest, not self-aggrandizing; and gracious, not brash. A meek person is not easily provoked, pretentious, or overbearing and readily acknowledges the accomplishments of others...

Whereas humility generally denotes dependence upon God and the constant need for His guidance and support, a distinguishing characteristic of meekness is a particular spiritual receptivity to learning both from the Holy Ghost and from people who may seem less capable, experienced, or educated, who may not hold important positions, or who otherwise may not appear to have much to contribute...

I still wasn't very peaceful in my heart, but I had reviewed the above and then headed to the gym with my phone in hand to listen to conference talks, my second line of defense from the dark voices.

I chose a talk from the Priesthood session of General Conference titled “Look unto Christ” and that, combined with my thoughts, truly struck me with the following rather profound impression:

All those things that I had put upon my personal scale of accountability to get to heaven--

my kids' happiness and righteousness, the happiness,

salvation and success of others around me;

my personal preparedness and

education to impact the world (to make my life worthwhile)

--were actually not all contingent upon my fulfilling all I saw before me to do!

In fact, my responsibility is--

to be mindful of my influence on them,

be mindful of how God sees them,

and love them enough to want to help them and serve them.

That is it! The simple truth that God would not let someone fail because of my inadequacies struck home. The Savior has the above on His personal scale of accountability and he and Heavenly Father are giving the ones I love around me every possible chance of happiness in spite of and combined with my imperfect efforts in beautiful, incomprehensible completeness.

What is required of me is to do what is in front of me and truly have faith, hope and charity.

And I can do that.

All those meals I don't bring in, the notes I don't write, the times I misspeak or neglect, the miscommunication I seem so prone to, the offenses I seem to give right and left, other people's success is not contingent upon me fixing it or being all I want to do in my heart for them. It in fact all rests upon them and upon the Savior's very capable “shoulders” or Atonement.  My responsibility it truly to repent, be meek, be like a child...and try again.

It struck me how in the scriptures time and again the responsibility for a parent's sins are never upon the children. I can own my own sins and repent of those (hence the section from Alma 13 earlier), but my children will be able to progress and succeed independent of those because I am the one that will suffer. In fact, God will use my bad example to help inspire and teach them. Does that mean I have no responsibility? Absolutely not. I am still accountable but the weight of other people's success or failure is not mine.

I get to preach

            love

            pray

            live

            do

            become joyfully

who I can become through Christ and if others around me are struggling or suffering I can lovingly invite, succor, suffer with and mourn with them but I will not jeopardize their salvation. All that hurt I inflict through my weaknesses, all the damage I do, can truly be not only healed in others but used to strengthen them in the marvelous wisdom of God. I can keep living, learning, loving, hoping and dreaming and it is enough.

I can keep trying and not feel like I have damaged people so much that my life is not doing more harm than good because God will not let them fail because of me.

How God Sees Me

I was recently blessed to attend my other Mom's 70th birthday party with a bunch of family in St. George, Utah.  Among many other blessings came the inspiration from one of them for a solid morning routine. I have ADHD when it comes to schedules, like a child in a candy store where everything is free: so many amazing things to do and so little time!  So I latched onto hers:
Yoga
Core
Meditation
Scripture reading (before or after meditation)
Duolingo

Well, today I was in the meditation stage and I decided to focus on seeing my own self worth. You see, I have a deep-seated fear that I just annoy people. I am hyper, excited, love to talk/philosophize, do things, get distracted, don't follow through....yah.  The list goes on.  So I hate wasting people's time, bothering them, disappointing them, hurting them...one aspect why the death of my son was especially traumatic.  There I was, having hurt so many people, and there was nothing I could do to fix it.

Anyway, I felt it particularly with my older kids. I disappoint my kids regularly with wanting to do things with them and not following through or having things fall through and seeing that sad disappointed look on their faces.   And my older kids seem particularly annoyed with so much of what I do.  I feel like I am past manipulation because that is just nasty. I feel like the only thing I even sometimes correct them on is how they treat their little siblings and keeping their areas clean.  Discussions invite a rolling of the eyes or deliberate walking away (I like to talk and most of them don't)...anyway...back to the meditation...

So I was meditating about my self-worth because I feel like if I can see myself like God sees me, then it won't matter how my kids or others think of me and I won't engage in any negative, self-perpetuating co-dependency practices and just leave others free to feel about me as they wish, leave me free to serve and love them the best I can and not worry about if I mess up, and be at peace with myself and not berate myself for hurting the happiness of others.

As I meditated, it was really taking some effort. I was having a hard time even knowing where to start. It felt like God was speaking to me through a glass darkly, as the scriptures say: trying from all sorts of angles to reach me and I just couldn't understand Him.

And then it came: the images of some of my children came.  He loves my Piper-like love of serving and learning; He loves my deep Hava desire to create and feel and love; He loves my sparkly Maia-ness; He loves my quirky Xai-ness; He loves my slow, deep, rich Eli-ness; He loves my spunky, squishy Liesl-ness...all completely unbased upon what I accomplish, do or become.  It is just because of me.

I felt like the windows of heaven opened up as I saw that Heavenly Father sees me like I see my children, who are just yummy for who they are.  Can He really see me the same way?  I pray that I may open my eyes to see it so I don't seek it from the imperfect lens reflected back from those around me.

In Bed by 9??

Yesterday I went to the temple and so many things happened! On the way there/back we listened to Hank Smith talks and in one I felt prompted to deepen my commitment to going to bed at 9 pm. Like super deep. He has a talk about building a foundation in which he references "The Great Divorce" where C.S. Lewis compares our sins to red lizards on our shoulders that claw in deep whenever Christ tries to heal us. The discipline to go to sleep has been something I have felt prompted for a while to work on.

Last night I was trying to finish up the level of Hungarian I was working on and it was nearing 9 pm. I had read to Spooner and snuggled with him, Liliputian had helped Zsa-man go to sleep while rubbing his legs and I had rocked Liesl to sleep while reading the last chapter of the "Castle of Wizardry" aloud. PIpalicious and Chugger-dude had attacked the kitchen in the meanwhile and it shone. The older kids had started a movie and I was sitting in the room "multi-tasking" (doing neither thing well, lol :D!) watching the movie and finishing up my level on Duolingo.

9 pm hit and my bed wasn't even made up yet. I stopped what I was doing, just got my bed out, and went straight to bed. The movie was still going but I focused on relaxing and ignoring it and somehow went to sleep in a few minutes (too little sleep the night before helps!). When I woke up this morning feeling calm and refreshed, I realized that an additional blessing of going to sleep like that is that it shows trust and faith that the time that the Lord has allotted me is enough to do what is needful. I have a built in lie that if only I tried a little harder, the truly HUGE list of possible to-dos (all of which are awesome and nurturing and amazing) would just be done. The peace I felt this morning, the trust, that if God told me to go to sleep at 9 then I could trust Him to do so was pretty special.