I tend to think deeply and passionately about things...not necessarily correctly, I openly admit, but deeply and passionately. I have conversation after conversation with people I know and love in my head, conversations that never actually take place. I remember distinctly sitting on the hot black vinyl seat in the car next to my dad on our way to his work, having a conversation with him, only to realize at the end that I had never actually spoken one single word.
When I actually delve into open deep and passionate discussions with the sweetly willing few, I am not always very good at articulating what I say, and say many things that might be construed as hurtful or antagonistic, as I seek to verbalize those emotions and passions and turbulent thoughts that are within me. I tend to speak words and phrases experimentally, seeking for the Spirit to confirm if what I said accurately reflects truth...or not :). I distinctly recognize the feeling when I have spoken something that is untrue, or even hurtful. :S But on the other side of this experimentation is so often delicious, beautiful truth!
However, it is a process of experimentation with communication, an experimentation that has so often been a barrier to understanding. Those I seek deeper understanding with are often understandably hurt by my ofttimes incorrect, arrogant, or antagonistic expressions that I use to seek to find those words that articulate how I feel and what is right. I don't start trying to offend people. I love the truth, and recognize that just because I love and trust someone, it doesn't always mean that what they say is true. When I have conversations like this, these truth-seeking conversations, their opinions and thoughts may be just as correct--and just as invalid!--as I recognize my own to be and I may openly disagree with them in my pursuit of truth and that beautiful confirmation of the Spirit.
The Lord's way is not contention...for contention is of the devil (3 Ne. 11). Sometimes, when I have these conversations, there is an ugly feeling, a feeling that is not of the Spirit. No truth can come from that, so I often find myself floundering in the middle of a discussion--throwing out words and expressions--, seeking a course of speech that will regain the Spirit. It is not always pretty. Sometimes, I can see it is painful or uncomfortable to the one I am speaking with and I hurt and often stop. I hate offending or hurting people almost as much as I love the truth, so it is an ugly line I walk. Even in this post, I am sure I have posted phrases and expressions that may be construed as hurtful, offensive, or arrogant.
Sigh. There are so many times that I want to just sit in my room, bottle up, and not leave...not talk...not email, so I don't hurt anyone else. (I cannot tell you how hard it was to stay with people after accidentally killing my own son. However, God had other ideas in mind for me, it would seem, and I could only do what He would have me do in a situation such as that. ) It is a constant battle.
So, to those of you who know me and run into this "wall," this wall of intensity, this wall of Mary's imperfect truth-seeking tactics, please understand and know my intention is not to hurt when that happens. I try to stop as soon as I can see that the conversation is painful or offensive, but am not always good at that, such is my love for that elusive true-ness of speech that has so often been so delightfully discovered on the other side of that uncomfortable, ugly wall.
There it is: an imperfect look, using imperfect words, to look at an imperfect being...but a being that loves deeply, even those she may inadvertantly hurt in her pursuit of her most-beloved truth.
