I have not had to fast many times over the past 25 years. Being pregnant or nursing has kind of "given me the excuse" to not do it, although I've never be opposed to doing it. It is just not something I've ever enjoyed and, quite frankly, felt somewhat relieved at times that I was not technically "required" or expected to do it.
A week ago Sunday marked my third time fasting since I stopped pumping milk for Penelope earlier this year. I went into it with some things on my mind, some places where I would love to improve--marriage, ability to prioritize peacefully.
As kind of a trailing thought, I kicked in, "Oh, and it would be really nice if Penelope could start sleeping better!!"
Now that kind of request is not frequent for me, lying in one of those "it's just part of the journey!" kind of trials or experiences. I had prayed about it for sure before. But I was feeling a little desperate.
Just the evening before the fast, I was lying awake at 11:30 pm after a spell of trying to get her to sleep. It seemed that everything I had been trying since she was born was just not working. And I kept trying to gradually adjust how I was doing it so I could just get a few hours in a row consistently! Most nights she would sleep for a couple hours in a row for part of the night, but was frequently up at less than hour intervals...still. This particular Saturday night she was doing her monotone "whine no matter what I did and no matter what position I had her in." Quinn was trying to read aloud a book that we have been reading to each other for about 6 months and once again Penelope was having the final say.
I ranted heavenward, "This is ridiculous! It's affecting everything. My love life, my emotional life, my physical life and I can't even read a stupid book at night aloud with my husband! Yikes, child!"
Maybe that's why I tucked that request on the end of my "fasting requests."
And that's why I got my miracle.
Tuesday night I fell asleep at 9:30 pm. I woke up at 6:30 am. No breaks. No stirrings. Nothing. Just sleep.
After more than a year of interrupted sleep and never more than 4 hours in a row, I'll take that as a miracle.
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Sundays must be special because I realized the second experience that brought me back to recording here was another answer to a prayer. This one a simple one: Please help me know how to prioritize what is really important and find peace. Yes, an echo to my fasting prayer.
I have finally acknowledged that "successful" prioritizing doesn't mean that I get everything done on my to-do list and the house is still clean. :D "Successful" means feeling peace.
I have had a couple things that have just been hard to put into my schedule without making extreme sacrifices. And I just kept feeling that there is a way to do it. I have spent years making extreme sacrifices of willpower and time. But I have realized that God doesn't require us to push ourselves so that we come crawling into bed each night after "wearing ourselves out in His service." In fact, He wants us to be joyful and balanced. And it's been beautiful to really internalize that truth.
However, there were still a couple of things that I knew I needed to start doing...things that are kind of just for me. Which is hard.
After Isaak died, I went into a time of self-hating, self-damning, self-deprivation that lasted for years. If it was for me, it wasn't allowed. However, if it benefited even just one other person, voila! Acceptable.
Exercise helps prep my body to serve. Eating right. Creating groups, cleaning house, watching movies as a family, reading good books to inspire my children or prep for groups...all beneficial in some other way and therefore doable.
Well, I have two things that are just for me: writing/illustrating my children's books and shooting my authentic Hungarian bow that Quinn got me for Christmas about 10 years ago. I have plenty of bad habits that are selfish...don't get me wrong! I have plenty of selfish to contend with. But to willfully engage in something like that--schedule it in, sacrifice other things for it--when I have other things I could be doing that benefit more than just me? Even the thought makes me squirm a little still despite all the progress God has been helping me make internally.
Anyway...those are the things that I needed to schedule in. I feel like God is telling me that it is important.
I had a beautiful scripture reading time in 2 Nephi 17 that reminded me that God wants us to ask him for the desires of our hearts, to ask him for miracles...
10 Moreover, the Lord spake again unto Ahaz, saying:
11 Ask thee a asign of the Lord thy God; ask it either in the depths, or in the heights above.
12 But Ahaz said: I will not ask, neither will I atempt the Lord.
13 And he said: Hear ye now, O house of David; is it a small thing for you to weary men, but will ye weary my God also?
At the end of my scripture reading time I was pondering, "what would I ask of God right now that is deep in my heart?" The answer came quietly, "Help including those two things into my life that would help me see that I am worth being me...just to be me."
So on Sunday (going back to the magic), I asked to be set apart as the 2nd counselor in Primary, which I had been called to months earlier during the COVID restriction time of no contact. Despite the rush after church, one of the counselors was able to set me apart and his blessing was rich with promises that I would be able to prioritize "those things that are in your heart" and still bless my family and feel peace.
It was just a sweet reassurance that God is completely mindful of me, as well as a reminder that our leaders can be inspired even when they are imperfectly trying to rush around taking care of what God wants them to do.
So did I do those things, you may wonder?
Well, I did work on my art yesterday and it felt beautiful.
And I thought about shooting my bow. It's a start.
