Trust God and Study "Come Follow Me"!

 I was reviewing the “Come Follow Me” material for this week and right at the beginning I am encouraged to write down my impressions from the still small whisperings of the Holy Ghost. And I had some this week and didn't want to lose them.

I have been praying that my relationship with one of my kids will be healed. Will be sweet again. They are an amazing person; I know that. There just has been something “off” between us for a while as they are in a challenging time of life. A hard place. So, I had a couple of strange inspirations that I acted on. One was to not feel compelled to try and fix it for a few days. Not really ignore them but not be actively trying to be on their good side. And then, when a situation came to a head a couple days ago and this child was venting, I could feel so much on my side that wanted to defend myself! However, after a few attempts (unsuccessful) I asked the Spirit, “Should I reply? What can I say?” The impression I felt was that nothing I would do or say would change anything right then so I decided to just listen and ponder what they were saying. 

And somehow, somehow everything seems a little better. Maybe it was just listening without trying to be defensive. Maybe it was that they felt heard. I don't know. But as I sat down to listen/read Matthew 18 this morning the prompt was that God's answers are not always the ones that make sense and that experience this week came to mind. I am continually stunned by the timeliness and application of the truths of the week we are studying in my personal life...in the deepest needs of my soul for answers. Truly miraculous. By small and simple means indeed. Two chapters sent out to all the church members of the world to read,...and my questions are answered. Incredible.

Link for this week for those who want it:

https://www.lds.org/study/manual/come-follow-me-for-individuals-and-families-new-testament-2019/16?lang=eng

Fill your lamps and prepare for the coming of the Bridegroom!

Today as I started in on my Sabbath day prep, I felt impressed of the importance to fill my lamp with oil and encourage those around me so to do, as in the parable of the 10 virgins:

1 Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom.

2 And five of them were wise, and five were foolish.

3 They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them:

4 But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps.

5 While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept.

6 And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroomcometh; go ye out to meet him.

7 Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps.

8 And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out.

9 But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves.

10 And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut.

11 Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us.

12 But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not.

13 Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.

I feel like at General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for the past year, I have heard the cry from our apostles and prophet: Behold the bridegroom cometh. I can feel the futility of trying to fill other people's lamps with my oil. I have tried! I have seen people in front of me struggling with their testimony and understanding of God and not be able to help them. I have seen people do the same for me, trying to reach me and I just am not hearing it or getting it.

For I believe the oil is the preparation to hear and accept the Savior into our hearts. And if we don't have experience getting oil through the slow gathering of olives, the pressure and time it takes to extract the oils through daily prayer, scripture study, weekly Sabbath sacrament partaking, and regular temple attendance we are not going to recognize truth. It is like in a children's story I read my children, “With You All The Way” in which three people set out on a quest through a forest to reach the king's castle and they have to pass through this forest full of “hopenots” dark sinister creatures whose greatest weapon is imitation and deception. There is a flute played by the king daily that will help the questers on their journey if they can recognize it above the flutes of the hopenots. Only the one who took the Savior as his constant companion, who listened to the correct tune of the flute daily and even hourly sometimes, was able to make it through to the end.

I feel that way, the mists of darkness swirling around me as in Lehi's dream in the Book of Mormon, for all of us must travel through mists of darkness and see if we will hold onto the iron rod, the word of God, to make it through. I have felt the immediate relief of dark deception as I turn on conference talks to listen to or open the scriptures. Every single time I have felt the darkness depart. I may not see my way with perfect clarity (the mists are still around me) but I can feel a peace of separation from the darkness, like a shield. I feel the same way in the temple. Sometimes it is harder during prayer, because then my own voice of self-doubt resounds loudly in my head if I get distracted, which I easily do, bless Heavenly Father for His patience with me!

God will not let them fail because of me!

 April 25, 2019

I get really tired of being around and hurting people. I like to hope and think that the good I do outweighs the bad but I don't get why God doesn't just let us wink ourselves out of existence if we want to. I mean, I think there would be far greater good done with me not being here than otherwise.

You think so, my daughter?

Yes. I mean, I disappoint, hurt, mis-feed, don't teach enough, spend enough time with, read to, listen to, be with, serve enough...just my kids!!! And that doesn't even start with my sweet husband, my family, friends...all these people I love. I think the loaves and fishes thing is just crazy. I want to believe it but I just don't see it feeding the people. I see my children's sadness, their...I don't know. They are pretty awesome.

I came home from the temple today with a friend who is visiting us from Ohio and Hava to find all the other kids out playing in the sunshine happily together. I mean, they wanted to be out there together, you could tell. Older with younger, all enjoying each other. I don't get it. They are learning a bunch, I guess. Why does it feel there is so much I am not helping to facilitate in their lives? Why do I feel so inadequate? Like I am not doing enough? Ever. I really enjoy learning, being with them when they want me there, but then I also have a short attention span and tend to want to do something else.

For instance, today, my six-year-old was singing me the sweetest song of "True Colors" and I still felt frantic inside. I didn't feel it at the temple today.

I have come down a little more directly on one of my kids, calling them on not having their room clean very often. I want my home to be a haven and somehow, when those around me aren't doing the simple stewardships I have distributed to them, I feel it! Why is that? Why can't I just ignore it?

I feel overwhelmed. Is this my mist of darkness? I just don't know.

I will go and exercise tonight. Perhaps that will help. I will also listen to talks, etc. I need to just count my blessings but then I just keep thinking that I am messing up with the blessings I have been given. I mean, if someone else were to come and jump into my place with this family and these amazing kids and this amazing husband, wouldn't they be able to do so much more to help them?

How can I love and accept myself and the offering I have? My own loaves and fishes?

Today after getting home from the temple, I facilitated lunch and finishing up some jobs, read some "Book of Virtues" to the kids about courage and morality (according to Plato/Socrates), read a little about the geography of the US and then another chapter of the Belgariad. I took a nap, gave Andrew a piano lesson, practiced my piano to almost catch up for the week, and have done Duolingo up another level. I see the hand of the Lord in what I do. He does everything that is good in my life. I am grateful for all He has done. I wish I could do more to help others. I feel so inadequate.

April 28, 2019

I went to the gym the next morning, weighed down with the despair of trying to keep trying even though I seemed to be just hurting, hurting, hurting all those around me. I had just read in Alma 13 that morning and was struck with the following verses:

10 Now, as I said concerning the holy order, or this high priesthood, there were many who were ordained and became high priests of God; and it was on account of their exceeding faith and repentance, and their righteousness before God, they choosing to repent and work righteousness rather than to perish;

11 Therefore they were called after this holy order, and were sanctified, and their garments were washed white through the blood of the Lamb.

12 Now they, after being sanctified by the Holy Ghost, having their garments made white, being pure and spotless before God, could not look upon sin save it were with abhorrence; and there were many, exceedingly great many, who were made pure and entered into the rest of the Lord their God.

13 And now, my brethren, I would that ye should humble yourselves before God, and bring forth fruit meet for repentance, that ye may also enter into that rest.

14 Yea, humble yourselves even as the people in the days of Melchizedek, who was also a high priest after this same order which I have spoken, who also took upon him the high priesthood forever.

...

21 And now it came to pass that when Alma had said these words unto them, he stretched forth his hand unto them and cried with a mighty voice, saying: Now is the time to repent, for the day of salvation draweth nigh;

22 Yea, and the voice of the Lord, by the mouth of angels, doth declare it unto all nations; yea, doth declare it, that they may have glad tidings of great joy; yea, and he doth sound these glad tidings among all his people, yea, even to them that are scattered abroad upon the face of the earth; wherefore they have come unto us.

23 And they are made known unto us in plain terms, that we may understand, that we cannot err; and this because of our being wanderers in a strange land; therefore, we are thus highly favored, for we have these glad tidings declared unto us in all parts of our vineyard.

24 For behold, angels are declaring it unto many at this time in our land; and this is for the purpose of preparing the hearts of the children of men to receive his word at the time of his coming in his glory.

25 And now we only wait to hear the joyful news declared unto us by the mouth of angels, of his coming; for the time cometh, we know not how soon. Would to God that it might be in my day; but let it be sooner or later, in it I will rejoice.

26 And it shall be made known unto just and holy men, by the mouth of angels, at the time of his coming, that the words of our fathers may be fulfilled, according to that which they have spoken concerning him, which was according to the spirit of prophecy which was in them.

What stuck out to me was my responsibility to be meek, humble and trusting.  Argh!  Something else I was not good at, I felt.  Meek, I learned from a talk by Elder Bednar in a past conference is the following:

Meekness is a defining attribute of the Redeemer and is distinguished by

1. righteous responsiveness,
2. willing submissiveness, and
3. strong self-restraint...

The Christlike quality of meekness often is misunderstood in our contemporary world. Meekness is strong, not weak; active, not passive; courageous, not timid; restrained, not excessive; modest, not self-aggrandizing; and gracious, not brash. A meek person is not easily provoked, pretentious, or overbearing and readily acknowledges the accomplishments of others...

Whereas humility generally denotes dependence upon God and the constant need for His guidance and support, a distinguishing characteristic of meekness is a particular spiritual receptivity to learning both from the Holy Ghost and from people who may seem less capable, experienced, or educated, who may not hold important positions, or who otherwise may not appear to have much to contribute...

I still wasn't very peaceful in my heart, but I had reviewed the above and then headed to the gym with my phone in hand to listen to conference talks, my second line of defense from the dark voices.

I chose a talk from the Priesthood session of General Conference titled “Look unto Christ” and that, combined with my thoughts, truly struck me with the following rather profound impression:

All those things that I had put upon my personal scale of accountability to get to heaven--

my kids' happiness and righteousness, the happiness,

salvation and success of others around me;

my personal preparedness and

education to impact the world (to make my life worthwhile)

--were actually not all contingent upon my fulfilling all I saw before me to do!

In fact, my responsibility is--

to be mindful of my influence on them,

be mindful of how God sees them,

and love them enough to want to help them and serve them.

That is it! The simple truth that God would not let someone fail because of my inadequacies struck home. The Savior has the above on His personal scale of accountability and he and Heavenly Father are giving the ones I love around me every possible chance of happiness in spite of and combined with my imperfect efforts in beautiful, incomprehensible completeness.

What is required of me is to do what is in front of me and truly have faith, hope and charity.

And I can do that.

All those meals I don't bring in, the notes I don't write, the times I misspeak or neglect, the miscommunication I seem so prone to, the offenses I seem to give right and left, other people's success is not contingent upon me fixing it or being all I want to do in my heart for them. It in fact all rests upon them and upon the Savior's very capable “shoulders” or Atonement.  My responsibility it truly to repent, be meek, be like a child...and try again.

It struck me how in the scriptures time and again the responsibility for a parent's sins are never upon the children. I can own my own sins and repent of those (hence the section from Alma 13 earlier), but my children will be able to progress and succeed independent of those because I am the one that will suffer. In fact, God will use my bad example to help inspire and teach them. Does that mean I have no responsibility? Absolutely not. I am still accountable but the weight of other people's success or failure is not mine.

I get to preach

            love

            pray

            live

            do

            become joyfully

who I can become through Christ and if others around me are struggling or suffering I can lovingly invite, succor, suffer with and mourn with them but I will not jeopardize their salvation. All that hurt I inflict through my weaknesses, all the damage I do, can truly be not only healed in others but used to strengthen them in the marvelous wisdom of God. I can keep living, learning, loving, hoping and dreaming and it is enough.

I can keep trying and not feel like I have damaged people so much that my life is not doing more harm than good because God will not let them fail because of me.

How God Sees Me

I was recently blessed to attend my other Mom's 70th birthday party with a bunch of family in St. George, Utah.  Among many other blessings came the inspiration from one of them for a solid morning routine. I have ADHD when it comes to schedules, like a child in a candy store where everything is free: so many amazing things to do and so little time!  So I latched onto hers:
Yoga
Core
Meditation
Scripture reading (before or after meditation)
Duolingo

Well, today I was in the meditation stage and I decided to focus on seeing my own self worth. You see, I have a deep-seated fear that I just annoy people. I am hyper, excited, love to talk/philosophize, do things, get distracted, don't follow through....yah.  The list goes on.  So I hate wasting people's time, bothering them, disappointing them, hurting them...one aspect why the death of my son was especially traumatic.  There I was, having hurt so many people, and there was nothing I could do to fix it.

Anyway, I felt it particularly with my older kids. I disappoint my kids regularly with wanting to do things with them and not following through or having things fall through and seeing that sad disappointed look on their faces.   And my older kids seem particularly annoyed with so much of what I do.  I feel like I am past manipulation because that is just nasty. I feel like the only thing I even sometimes correct them on is how they treat their little siblings and keeping their areas clean.  Discussions invite a rolling of the eyes or deliberate walking away (I like to talk and most of them don't)...anyway...back to the meditation...

So I was meditating about my self-worth because I feel like if I can see myself like God sees me, then it won't matter how my kids or others think of me and I won't engage in any negative, self-perpetuating co-dependency practices and just leave others free to feel about me as they wish, leave me free to serve and love them the best I can and not worry about if I mess up, and be at peace with myself and not berate myself for hurting the happiness of others.

As I meditated, it was really taking some effort. I was having a hard time even knowing where to start. It felt like God was speaking to me through a glass darkly, as the scriptures say: trying from all sorts of angles to reach me and I just couldn't understand Him.

And then it came: the images of some of my children came.  He loves my Piper-like love of serving and learning; He loves my deep Hava desire to create and feel and love; He loves my sparkly Maia-ness; He loves my quirky Xai-ness; He loves my slow, deep, rich Eli-ness; He loves my spunky, squishy Liesl-ness...all completely unbased upon what I accomplish, do or become.  It is just because of me.

I felt like the windows of heaven opened up as I saw that Heavenly Father sees me like I see my children, who are just yummy for who they are.  Can He really see me the same way?  I pray that I may open my eyes to see it so I don't seek it from the imperfect lens reflected back from those around me.

In Bed by 9??

Yesterday I went to the temple and so many things happened! On the way there/back we listened to Hank Smith talks and in one I felt prompted to deepen my commitment to going to bed at 9 pm. Like super deep. He has a talk about building a foundation in which he references "The Great Divorce" where C.S. Lewis compares our sins to red lizards on our shoulders that claw in deep whenever Christ tries to heal us. The discipline to go to sleep has been something I have felt prompted for a while to work on.

Last night I was trying to finish up the level of Hungarian I was working on and it was nearing 9 pm. I had read to Spooner and snuggled with him, Liliputian had helped Zsa-man go to sleep while rubbing his legs and I had rocked Liesl to sleep while reading the last chapter of the "Castle of Wizardry" aloud. PIpalicious and Chugger-dude had attacked the kitchen in the meanwhile and it shone. The older kids had started a movie and I was sitting in the room "multi-tasking" (doing neither thing well, lol :D!) watching the movie and finishing up my level on Duolingo.

9 pm hit and my bed wasn't even made up yet. I stopped what I was doing, just got my bed out, and went straight to bed. The movie was still going but I focused on relaxing and ignoring it and somehow went to sleep in a few minutes (too little sleep the night before helps!). When I woke up this morning feeling calm and refreshed, I realized that an additional blessing of going to sleep like that is that it shows trust and faith that the time that the Lord has allotted me is enough to do what is needful. I have a built in lie that if only I tried a little harder, the truly HUGE list of possible to-dos (all of which are awesome and nurturing and amazing) would just be done. The peace I felt this morning, the trust, that if God told me to go to sleep at 9 then I could trust Him to do so was pretty special.

The Overall Purpose

April 1, 2019

Yesterday Maia exerted so much positive effort in creating and helping others create! It was beautiful. She did it meekly, unselfishly. Such a great example.

I have many things weighing on my mind:

-possible upcoming economic upheavals; I wonder if we should be doing more to get our house ready but I think I still feel "wait" from above

-Drew and Hyrum are starting a Drew-initiated calisthenics program that could be a little too driven and intense for the two of them. I need to prayerfully move forward in my counseling of them.

-The kids have different expenses and opportunities in front of them that I am unable to faciliate...that I should not be solely facilitating but my mother's heart wants to

-I want to homeschool and love them as they need it (biggest thing ever)

-I want my relationship with my husband (which is amazing) to stay strong and want to get rid of my little peevish moments with him and just accept and love him better (maybe I just need to accept and love myself more and not expect him to meet all my needs...he already does so much and is kind and thoughtful)

-I feel daily inadequate to stand in front of my seminary class to teach the word of God in a way that makes them draw closer to God.

-I see the needs of so many around me....I feel overwhelmed

-I want to create, to relax, to savor, to enjoy, to record.

-I fight almost constantly with negative thoughts that bombard, twist and distort.

-I truly want to want to do God's will, but it can feel so hard

As I felt overwhelmed this morning, I turned to listening to 1 Nephi 9, and read this:

5 Wherefore, the Lord hath commanded me to make these plates for a wise purpose in him, which purpose I know not.

6 But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen.

I can trust Him to prepare a way for me. Moving forward with a deep breath and a prayer and a desire to see with clarity the path before me.

**********

As I just knelt in prayer, this is what happened.

There came to mind a conversation I want to have with Drew. Drew is further along in his training than Hyrum to start with. I want to ask Drew what the over-arching goal of the program is. If it is to get to a certain fitness level for both of them, it will be a miserable experience. If it is to develop a love and trust of taking care of themselves to lay the foundation of a life-time of physical fitness, that will make it successful for both of them. Of course, there are times to push and strain and encourage and motivate. But the expectation behind all the pushing is a sense of appreciation and love of the body and how physical exercise can help it.

When I prayed, asking for help to try and learn to love God as Christ would and trust Him as Christ did, I panicked a little at the darkness, at the testing that may lay ahead. And then I heard those same words:

What is the overall purpose in the times to come? These times of testing, of darkness are just to help build a love of doing what I do, of what Christ does. It is not in the perfection of the exercises but the overall change of heart that will happen as you find joy in loving Me and trusting Me.

Christ, as my personal trainer, is much further along than I am. If this program were for both of us to be stretched at the same time to the same degree, all I would experience is frustration.  But His goal is for me to gain a love of serving my God, of serving like He does...and loving it.  That makes it easier that the goal isn't to push me to my max but to teach me to enjoy the journey.  

Or as my husband so eloquently puts it, to enjoy to the end.

Journal: fighting the darkness within with words of truth from without

March 31, 2019

This morning I still woke up in a gloom. The ground is covered with a beautiful covering of snow. I woke up with a cute little boy in my bed. Xai is a cute little chatter box snuggler. It was quiet and it was before my alarm.

Why am I grumpy? Great question. It has seemed that every moment that in the last 24 hours that I have not deliberately directed positive things going into my brain, like pure doctrine being spoken through scriptures and conference talks, I have been on a negative spiral. Perhaps this is what it means to cling to the word of God during the mists of darkness?

I listened to President Nelson's talk, well, President Oaks first, last night, and he reaffirmed a healthy and correct look at women and their roles: supportive, positive, nurturing, that raising children is the highest and holiest thing I could be doing. Listening to President Nelson's talk this morning reinforced the positive feelings about myself and my life that Satan, it feels, is trying to actively to negate. Here are highlights that stood out to me:

It is wonderful to be with you, my dear and precious sisters. Perhaps a recent experience will give you a glimpse into how I feel about you and the supernal abilities with which you are endowed. One day while I was speaking to a congregation in South America, I became exceedingly excited about my topic, and at a pivotal moment, I said, “As the mother of 10 children, I can tell you that …” And then I went on to complete my message... My wife Wendy heard it, and she was delighted with my Freudian slip.

In that moment, the deep longing of my heart to make a difference in the world—like only a mother does—bubbled up from my heart. Through the years, whenever I have been asked why I chose to become a medical doctor, my answer has always been the same: “Because I could not choose to be a mother.”

You have the capacity to sense what someone needs—and when he or she needs it. You can reach out, comfort, teach, and strengthen someone in his or her very moment of need. Women see things differently than men do, and oh, how we need your perspective! Your nature leads you to think of others first, to consider the effect that any course of action will have on others.... Tonight I urge you, with all the hope of my heart, to pray to understand your spiritual gifts—to cultivate, use, and expand them, even more than you ever have. You will change the world as you do so.

As women, you inspire others and set a standard worthy of emulation.

Gathering scattered Israel is a cause that desperately needs women, because women shape the future. So tonight I’m extending a prophetic plea to you, the women of the Church, to shape the future by helping to gather scattered Israel... As you prayerfully study the Book of Mormon, I promise that the heavens will open for you. The Lord will bless you with increased inspiration and revelation.

Be intentional about talking of Christ, rejoicing in Christ, and preaching of Christ with your families and friends.2 You and they will be drawn closer to the Savior through this process. And changes, even miracles, will begin to happen.

Please teach those whom you love what you are learning from the scriptures. Teach them how to turn to the Savior for His healing and cleansing power when they sin. And teach them how to draw upon His strengthening power every day of their lives.

Third, establish a pattern of regular temple attendance. This may require a little more sacrifice in your life. More regular time in the temple will allow the Lord to teach you how to draw upon His priesthood power with which you have been endowed in His temple. (I have felt this!)

My fourth invitation, for you who are of age, is to participate fully in Relief Society. I urge you to study the current Relief Society purpose statement. It is inspiring. ... It describes who you are and who the Lord needs you to be at this precise time as you do your part to help gather scattered Israel.

My dear sisters, we need you! We “need your strength, your conversion, your conviction, your ability to lead, your wisdom, and your voices.”4 We simply cannot gather Israel without you.

I love you and thank you and now bless you with the ability to leave the world behind as you assist in this crucial and urgent work. Together we can do all that our Heavenly Father needs us to do to prepare the world for the Second Coming of His Beloved Son.

Jesus is the Christ. This is His Church. Of this I testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

I cannot describe the peace I feel as I have the Spirit confirm this. Move forward. Gather God into my heart. More fully align my will with His. As I do, I will become one of the faceless numbers that serve and love. Actually, rather, I will not become faceless. I will take upon me His face, just as His Son did in perfect harmony? Is that what I truly want? That is the question.