The Burden of Decision Making

 I just had a huge breakthrough moment mentally and need to write my way through it.  (Warning: wordy and very personal.)

It's all about decisions. Making them. The consequences. The pain. The Purpose.

Decision Awareness

For years I and many around me have struggled to make decisions. Why is that? Why do we have a hard time making decisions?

I am reminded of the time that I read “What Is Seen And Not Seen?,” a short essay by Bastiat that apparently the Founding Fathers really liked. While largely a social economy essay, the main concept is that we cannot see the rippling effect of each choice. Writers and speakers today refer to it as the “Butterfly Effect”: a butterfly's wings move air that can ultimately become a hurricane.

So each of our decisions has that same effect. From the looks we give to the blatant actions we take, each motion, each microdecision has an impact—from individual to widespread. And I believe that it is in the awareness of effects we can see coupled with the unperceived reality of what we don't see that makes ...each...decision...so...hard.

My entire life I have been acquiring an increased awareness of my social footprint. The more I learn, the more I study, the more I am exposed to different people, places, cultures and ideas—honestly, the more I just live in awareness of the effects of my actions—the more I learn about:

-how people respond

-how people can be loved

-how people can be hurt

-the power of manipulation

-the power of inspiration

-the history of hurt

-the history of impact

-cause and effect of motivation

-cause and effect of each individual choice.

Often my mind will be a whirlwind of the possibility of a moment. For instance, Xai just came up to me. Instantly my desire to give him a big hug and start interacting with him warred with my feelings that I need to write down these thoughts. Thoughts race about IMPACT:

-of neglect,

-of thoughts left to create chaos and unrest in my brain and psyche

-of each microsecond of pausing in making the next decision

-of even the attitude with which I deliver that finally made decision.

I have always struggled to determine the right decision. In my idealistic world, there was a way to always do the right thing so whenever I made decisions that yielded negative impacts—whether through personal weakness and choice or ignorance—I berated myself. When it was a genuine sin, I learned how to find solace in repentance, although I definitely had a hard time forgiving myself. When it was pain or hurt caused in others or disorder or imperfection created through my decision making, it was like I gave myself permission to scold, hate and even mentally scourge myself.

Mental Scourging

This was a largely unaware process, a default that I generated at some stage of my development; but it became acceptable.

It became engrained.

It became right.

And when I ran over Isaak, it became the new complete reality.

Finally, I had crossed the line over irredeemable. I was faced with many decisions, the biggest one immediately following was to live or die. Again, the ripple effect of possibilities rolled before me: take my life and stop causing pain and horror in the lives of others or keep living and keep inflicting pain.

If I took my life, my family would have to suffer more immediate mourning. The children would be left to face life with a mother who killed herself and the emotional, psychological damage of unforeseen magnitude of that action. If I lived, I would be there to keep causing pain and suffering through my ignorance, ineptness, or choice.

While currently I can see the flaws in this mental state, it was the reality that spring day on the back patio at our house in Kearns in 2003.

I obviously chose the previous option.

Moving forward, I received different levels of healing and feelings of forgiveness. However, underlying it wall was this driving sense of....something. It translated into aggression, huge mood swings and almost constant self-belittlement. Every choice I made seemed to be not quite right. No matter what I chose, someone or something somewhere suffered for that choice.

And the weight had become oppressive.

Even to not make a choice is a choice in itself to be weighed in the balance.

A few years ago, I had a deep and cleansing healing experience with reference to Isaak's death that left me feeling like a new baby with a clean slate. It was a transformational level of healing that alleviated years of inner self-disgust regarding that one horrific day. It was an incalculable respite from that burden.

For a while, that was enough. I basked in the lightness I felt. The inner self-acceptance.

Love yourself

But then something started pricking. I couldn't relax and not feel like a terrible person. I couldn't just sit and enjoy my family. Apparently, I wasn't just compensating for the tragic loss I had caused. Apparently, there was something else happening internally that was torquing my ability to feel content with myself.

What was it?

I began “hearing” whiffs of it in my prayers, which became stronger and stronger over time.

Love yourself.

At first, whenever I felt that I would immediately scoff. I would make excuses. I would justify why that was particularly selfish.

And then I started realizing how deeply that one omission was affecting me. It was preventing me from opening up myself to share in a loving relationship with others. Oh, I could see everyone else's blinding beauty and worth! But I've come to realize that I then tried to either make myself worthy of that relationship or didn't open myself up, fearing my ugliness within would hurt or bore or annoy them. It was painful. It was heavy. It was laced with that same self-belittlement that, logically, I knew was not healthy, correct, and even selfish. But then I would hate myself more for hating myself. Whew. It was exhausting.

However, I was beginning to see the truth behind the commandment, “Love your neighbor as yourself” with its inherent reversal, “Love yourself like your neighbor.” I could feel my ability to love curbed as I tried to control the impact I had on others....always failing. Because I had strong habits of berating myself, sometimes in moments of heat, those thought patterns would transfer onto those around me. It is very hard to change inner dialogue from hate to love on a dime, especially in moments of duress.  I prayed for God to show me how.

Those who know me, know how intense I can get. Imagine that, directed at my soul, rife with disgust. Oh, I had many times free of it, when the world around me, the Spirit, etc would help me find joy in what was going on and peace did penetrate myself. But there was definitely no underlying base of worth or acceptance that existed. It just sat there in my soul, rearing its nasty head when I was struggling or under duress.

Each decision caused pain, burdens, hurt or annoyance somewhere. Every moment I felt like I was weighing the “good, better, best” of that moment and no matter my good intentions, I just couldn't stop hurting people. I came to relish times of being away from everyone, attributing it to some “introvert” quality. And I felt bad for yearning to be away from everyone, even those I loved.

How could that be right? I was definitely stuck.

The Problem of Pain

As I pondered how to move forward, finally seeing the cage I was in, I started reflecting on pain.

Over the years, I would cry out to heaven, “Please take me away so I stop causing pain!!”

However, lately I started thinking: was I really that determined to not cause pain? Is pain so bad? Spending a lifetime avoiding pain is not only unhealthy but unrealistic. (Yes, the line from “Princess Bride” is perfect here: “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling you something.”) I also was mindful of the experience and strength that comes through certain kinds of pain. And I didn't shirk much from pain caused to myself if it was for a higher cause.

So was “the ideal” to not experience pain? No, it couldn't be. But was it right for me to cause pain? Just because pain is an inevitable part of existence, is it okay to deliberately cause it? That doesn't seem right either.

I think often about Eve and her decision in the Garden of Eden. Up until very recently, I felt like her struggle to decide to partake of the fruit—“Is there no other way?”—lay in the fact that she was bringing pain into the world. Her decision would cause pain. But as I write that now, how could the factor of “pain” be part of that decision? She didn't know what “pain” even was at that point....

...which leads me to the HUGE EPIPHANY that I had this week.

The True Burden of Choice

On Wednesday, my bishop counseled me to consider why God loves me. I KNOW He loves me more completely than I know pretty much anything else due to some very sacred experiences I have had over the years. But I have struggled to feel worthy of that love.

As I pondered the Bishop's request, a few things came to mind.

1. I really am a nice person. I love to serve. I can be mean. I am not perfect. But overall, I am nice.
2. I have a soul that loves purely.
3. I live with integrity. almost maniacally always trying to make the “right” decision.

So what was the problem? I knew that the Atonement was there for me. Why did I feel such despair currently? I just kept feeling like no matter what I did, no matter how much I tried to honor God's laws, I just kept being unworthy or horrible or ugly.

Then it hit me. I don't remember how. I think it was when I was listening to 2 Nephi 2, when we learn that the Atonement paid the price for the transgression of the Fall. It hit me: there were two commandments.

1. Multiply and replenish the earth
2. Don't eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil

It was impossible to do both. And they had to make the choice. I don't buy the whole scenario, “God didn't come down in time to stop them from making a bad choice.” Really?? He was distracted??

I don't think so.

And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.

And they would have had no children.

So they had to make a choice. A choice that caused a lot of pain. A choice that caused progression. An obedient choice.

God knew that they would violate one commandment or the other, either by omission or commission. And there was a plan in place.  Going back to 2 Nephi 2:

But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things....

And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law

Christ paid the price.

They had two laws in conflict with each other, and Christ paid the price for the law that they were violating in order to honor the law that was highest at that moment!!

And that day, it hit me.

Each book of scripture begins with choice: a choice where two laws are in conflict..

1. Doctrine and Covenants, where we find Joseph Smith facing a decision to honor his trust with his commendable, supportive mentor, Martin Harris or to honor his faith in God's word that he not share the 116 pages with Martin's wife.

2. Mary and Joseph are confronted with the decision to honor God's direct instruction or honor social and moral constructs of their day and their religion.

3. Nephi is instructed by an angel to kill Laban, going counter to the 10 Commandments—also the word of God.

4. And Adam and Eve were given two commandments in the Garden of Eden: go forth and multiply and don't eat of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

This whole life, every choice we make, is a decision between laws. And when we honorably and with integrity decide to honor the law that we feel is highest at the moment, Christ's atonement will pay the price for our transgression of any lower law!  And the Atonement heals, supports, loves, pays the price, and makes all things whole.

We see it in the scriptures:

-Abraham and Isaac: kill your son or take care of your son

-The widow of Nain: feed the prophet or feed your child

-Jesus Christ: ointment for His feet or feed the poor; Mary and Martha—serve or be instructed

-The Anti-Nephi-Lehis and Captain Moroni: take up or lay down your weapons.

We see it in our lives:

-have a devotional with older kids or play a game with my littles.
-invest in creating productions that my kids are in or stop and take time to go on a walk
-save for the future or use the money for the poor
-take a needed break or make a house of order.
-correct a child or let the Spirit teach them.

-honor inspiration to have another child or spend more time with the kids I already feel overwhelmed to meet the needs of.

My struggle is mostly in how I spend my time:
-serve in church or serve my family
-spend time reading my scriptures or exercising
-date with my husband or snuggle with the kids to sleep.

I would work and work to stream-line and create a schedule that perfectly balanced my time so there was no neglect, no trangression.  And it just wouldn't ever seem to work! 

I was caught up in bearing the burden for the many, many ways I was transgressing laws as I make decisions. I was feeling so dirty and unacceptable. I have to make choices—even the choice to NOT make a choice—and the knowledge and increased awareness I have gained over the years was helping me see more and more the effect of my choices. How could I be a good person and be creating so much actual and potential for pain and heartache? Even at the end of a day where I felt I had done my best, all day long, I would hurt, especially when I was already feeling tired or vulnerable.

A case in point: a few nights ago, Penelope was struggling to go to sleep; Liesl and Eli were upset that I wasn't snuggling with them until they went to sleep, and I had asked Maia and Piper to play a game with me since I missed doing things with them in our busy schedule. It tore me apart. Kids were crying or waiting or whining. I was so frustrated. I was so sad.

All those transgressions just added up. And I couldn't see how Christ would or should forgive me of them if I had gone into the decision with my eyes wide open to the negative cost of those decisions. Surely there must be some way to not cause that pain or potential ripples of negativity.

Apparently not.

Apparently that lesson is important enough it is practically the first lesson of each book of scripture.

We have to make hard choices. The highest law is the one God is telling us to do at that very moment. And we can trust Him that the Atonement will redeem us from the effects of transgressing the law that is lesser at the moment as we act with integrity. I can live with that.

So is this life about making decisions? Absolutely. Making decisions that honor whatever the Higher Law is at the moment. That is what God does constantly, make decisions guided by the highest Law at the moment. He weeps at the pain. He rejoices at the beauty. 

And we are all seeking to become like Him. 

 I think I am starting to get the Purpose of decisions.

I feel peace.

Isaak means "he laugheth"

 Today is our memorial day for our dear son, Isaak.

Oh, how I miss having his presence in our family.

As I wake up this morning, my soul is awash with thoughts and emotions.  I am grateful that his death occurred during this time of year where thoughts of the resurrection and the Atonement of Jesus Christ are fresh on our minds: 

--the resurrection for the promise that we will be able to see him again, well and whole...that I'll be able to hold my little boy again.

--the Atonement of Jesus Christ for the power of healing it has not only worked in my life but that continues to work to cleanse and heal us so that we may be ready to enjoy our little boy in the presence of our Father and His Son.

Our little lamb will come home....

...or rather, we will be brought home to join him.

I remember that morning, the circle waffles that we enjoyed. I remember wrangling the kids to get them ready for school and that Kel tried to carry Isaak to the van in his arms, so his little bare-foot brother could go to school with him that day even though we couldn't find his shoes. I remember the night before when, facing his sadness that he had lost a toy football at the other kids' soccer practice, that I actually went with him to retrieve it, rather than do my usual, "Don't worry about it!" I remember coming back to the house and enjoying my little ones while I tried to make sense of the everyday mess that comes with having five little ones 6 and under.  

I remember every personal detail--horror and miracle--that followed in the trauma of losing my little Isaak, watching him leave our family and feeling so many emotions; details that I have relived again and again.

I remember Kel's sweet bouncing voice the next morning as he came joyfully out of his room, sharing with us that he had not only had a dream in which he had seen Isaak in heaven, but that he was told that Jesus would be coming again soon and that we would all be together again...soon.

I know God's timing is not our own. I have felt different times in my life since then when the veil is oh, so thin and our little man is oh so near. I know he has helped to prompt me to watch over his siblings when they needed an extra special watch. I know that he is there playing with them in heaven before they come down to join our family. I know that he is excited as we are to be a part of our football games and fun.

"Isaak" means "he laugheth" and how well that always suited him!  He was hot and cold, feisty as any three year old with a gentle and soft side to him that made him like a big teddy bear.  And oh, how he  loved to laugh!! However, just recently I discovered a new level of meaning to that definition of his name.  Abraham named his son Isaac because he and Sarai laughed when they were told by God that they would have a son in their old age.  

They laughed because they couldn't see how God could do that miracle.

Oh, how truly that definition applies to our situation as well...

On that day, it was so hard to see how we would ever be happy again.

It was so hard to believe that our family could feel whole again.

It was impossible to see how I could be forgiven and healed.

While there was no laughter that day that we lost our little boy from this earthly existence, there was a lot of shared doubt with that old couple and their experience with their own Isaac.  Maybe less doubt and more inability to see how things could change--how we could experience happiness, togetherness and healing.  Maybe that was why that ancient couple laughed.  Sometimes it is just so hard to see the miracles God works with our sorrows.

In hindsight, I have learned how the soul can mourn and love and find a settled peace.  I know that God was there that day. orchestrating all the help and healing that was possible in the face of so much horror. I know that my Isaak was whisked up to heaven in the arms of Jesus, sparing him all the hurt that God could.  I know that the Holy Ghost was there, buffering and soothing the extreme intensity of so grave a moment when one of God's own little ones is killed. 

I testify of the healing that can come as through the years I have been blessed with angels on both side of the veil to help me see more clearly the collateral beauty that comes through grief and pain.

But most of all, I testify that I will see my little boy again.  I love my Isaak, my little mischievous, feisty son.  I am grateful for the journaled pages I have of his short life, the pictures and videos that were in miraculous abundance the year before his death so we can remember so many of his words and mannerisms.

I miss him. It is amazing how the absence of one can be felt among so many but I have felt it each time one of my children has left us--temporarily or for longer duration.  But the beautiful blessing of the Atonement assures me that no matter our paths and duration on that path, we can be a forever family once again.  Today we will spend the day with those of our family that are here with us, eating circle waffles, playing together, watching Isaak videos, looking over photos and sharing memories.  And I know his presence will be felt.

I love his focus on cars. I love his passion for doing everything that big people do...especially anything that included mud, water, balls or especially, his beloved siblings.  I love the love our immediate and extended family shared for Isaak and the color he brought into all of our lives.  Someday I'll figure out how to upload our memorial video on YouTube for our family to share, but until that day I pray that they will all find peace and joy on this day as they remember our barefoot, personality-filled little Isaa-boo. <3