My Customized "Promised Land"

I am beginning to believe, life is not about being righteous enough to attain the promised land you seek.

Life is about being humble enough to accept the promised land that God gives you.

As I was thinking about the different prophets in ancient and more modern history, I am sure none of them pictured what the end of their lives would bring: Lehi dying in America practically on the shores; Nephi building a new nation; Joseph Smith building Nauvoo in a swamp then leaving his family to die; Job losing so much and receiving a whole new batch of life.  Good, bad--but all probably very unforeseeable at the beginning...or even the middle.

While all of them received such a measure of blessings that were, quite frankly, beyond imagination, I think I am seeing something of a truth:

I need to stop trying to use my attempts at righteousness to get my own perceived version of "the promised land."

Along with it's complementary truth:

When my life seems to not be heading for that "promised land" I envision--whether an internal or external one--it is not a sign that I am doing something wrong or need to fix something.

It's not a sign that I am damaged, broken, powerless, unworthy, or insufficient.

My ownership of the results of my life and actions end at a certain point.

My happiness can be found in recognizing that point and accepting it.

And my feelings of self-worth can actually be improved by being humble enough to recognize these truths.

When you think about it, God's eternal glory is an existence working with hateful, damaged, broken, struggling people in whom He chooses to see the potential and inherent glory despite most of what they do and say.  His focus is an endless provision of opportunities for their learning growth and development, knowing that time and time again they are going to use those opportunities--that very agency that will make them just like Him--to murder, plunder and steal.

I am currently surrounded--practically enveloped--by people with amazing hearts and beautifully imperfect selves.  This is not a tirade against anyone who is hurting me or mine.

This is about confronting years of built in self-conditioning of "if-then" deep emotional confirmation that has left me hitting my head against a wall trying to change my current "promised land."

God's own "promised land" is full of intimate experiences with joy and pain, love and hate.  Maybe to be like Him is not a matter of accepting endless bliss. It is a matter of choosing to see the beauty and potential in a plan full of pain.

After my deep healing of last fall...

I know I am doing my beautifully imperfect best.

I know that Christ's Atonement gives all the victims of my life the opportunity to heal and grow past what I will limit them too.

I know that I can and do forgive myself.

Now, I am just working on liking myself.  Perhaps I will get further if I can deeply internalize the truth of where my ownership ends in my life.  Because, truly, I can see all the blessings that I am surrounded by and have been a little flummoxed as to why I am still raging inside at times.

Maybe this will help.  Maybe the storms inside are just part of my current promised land.  That is where I am seeking peace and resolution.  I have learned that the storms outside penetrate less when the soul is at rest and my internal situation is the one that I truly have more ownership over and the one I struggle to reconcile.