Hitting the wrong target?

 This morning, listening to the following story brought tears to my eyes:

"Many years ago, I went to a summer Scout camp with our son Justin. As the activities got underway, he excitedly announced that he and his friends wanted to earn the archery merit badge. Doing so required the boys to pass a short written test and hit a target with their arrows. My heart sank. At the time, Justin was quite frail due to cystic fibrosis, a disease he had been battling since birth. I wondered if he could pull the bow back far enough to send the arrow to the target.

"As he and his friends left for the archery class, I silently prayed that he would not be humiliated by the experience.
"A couple of anxious hours later, I saw him coming up the path toward me with a big smile. “Dad!” he exclaimed. “I got the merit badge! I got a bull’s-eye; it was on the target next to mine, but I hit a bull’s-eye!” He had pulled the bow back with all his might and let the arrow fly, unable to control its trajectory. How grateful I am for that understanding archery instructor who never said, “Sorry, wrong target!” Rather, upon seeing Justin’s obvious limitations and earnest effort, he kindly responded, “Good job!”
"That is how it will be for us if we do our very best to follow Christ and His prophets in spite of our limitations. If we come unto Him by keeping our covenants and repenting of our sins, we will joyfully hear our Savior’s commendation: “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.”*

I had just finished posting the following to my sweet daughter-in-law, Réka Biesinger, who had followed up on my recent visit with a question about how I am doing:
"I'm adjusting to being home ❤️. I am soaking in all the beautiful spirits around me, but can get overwhelmed with their needs and the endless options of things to do.

"I can totally relate to your need to keep things clean and orderly-- but sometimes that means pushing someone else's needs away; not strengthening my body for future service through my "essential" exercises; not cooking or creating things for a Halloween party; not playing a game with Tova while she's here; not going on a walk in the beautiful fall weather with my darlings....
Not doing the family calendar.
Not working on the plays and songs for our choir.
Not doing ministering.
Not studying Hungarian so I can better speak with my grandson and the beautiful Hungarian people 😉.
Not filling my personal cup of peace to strengthen and enlarge my capacity to serve.
And not sleeping, lol! (Which is probably why I'm up at 4 in the morning writing this to you ❤️)

"All such great things 💛. But I simply cannot do them all.
"So I'm seeking God's perspective through prayer and scripture: so I can feel peace when my laundry is a mile high and there are dishes in the sink 😏.

"Besides, my vacuum is broken so that's a bit of a pain to even do that simple thing.🤣

"But there is so much beauty in each moment that passes that I don't want to let stress overshadow that.
"So I'm choosing to let a lot of things go in the moment. Trusting that trying my level best is awesome, and, worst-case scenario, I dig through my laundry pile for panties for Liesl."

So when I heard the story about "missing the target" this morning, I wept. God had heard my breaking heart underneath my bravado--my concern, my earnest weak attempt to do some little good despite all I saw as "needing" to be done.
Sometimes a good cry is very clarifying.

Stepping back, I'm grateful for my limitations, honestly. They are teaching me to prioritize, have faith in Christ to literally compensate for every pain and problem caused by both my activity and inactivity, and to choose to see my life with purpose, beauty and hope.**
******

*"Hallmarks of Happiness: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2023/10/31sabin?lang=eng&fbclid=IwAR3RSga7ko3sCgqq3Ou3Ac_L4YvrQbalsiHWTagyo5U3JGXZzCi00X53iLs

**which last phrase, ironically, is the theme of my children's book for Piper that I just started illustrating,... another "good thing" 😏.

The Skunks in our Lives

Crazy story: I was up at 5 am (not the craziest part) and noticed that the front porch light was on. Piper had heard Lucky (my parent's cat) meowing outside our windows. I took Lucky back over to my parent's house and walked around the back of the house to take him and his sister, Miracle, to where the food was. Guess who I saw? 

https://photos.app.goo.gl/SSrvoBtdeEURErYc8

The cats wisely backed away and I tried to figure out how to scare away the happily feasting intruder while avoiding smelling "wonderful" for days. I decided to go into the house and try and scare it away safely from the other side of the glass patio doors, which worked.

I let the cats into the porch, closed it off and left them food and water. 

As I drove away, I thought about how sometimes the people around us (or we ourselves) are like skunks--with natural built-in responses that are less than desirable, probably developed in combination of childhood/teen environments and natural man weaknesses. Sometimes we need to consider how we handle them this way: recognizing that yes, we can trigger the proverbial "odor," but no, it's not necessarily because we are doing anything wrong. But we can take preventative measures and we can be respectful and creative in maneuvering solutions around it. But the skunk is still just a cute little animal trying to survive and protect itself. No reason to feel any animosity toward it...just wariness . A little healthy wariness/awareness can go a long way to develop a viable relationship with the cute little skunks in our lives .

Like Ants

 We came home to an interesting sight last night: many ants had not only found their way into our house, but several were gathered around the bottom of our toilet at some kind of sick feast.

Quinn retrieved a few liquid ant traps and set one in different strategic locations. I remember being intrigued when I first heard how these traps work:

Liquid ant baits work by attracting foraging ants with an enticingly sweet liquid.  [This liquid wreaks] havoc on the digestive system of an ant, but it acts slowly, allowing the ant to leave a trail of pheromones to the trap, luring yet more ants into its grasp. (Terro liquid ant bait trap website)

This morning, all the ants had disappeared.  Apparently, they had been lured away from the bottom of the toilet for the poison.

Quinn and I talked about it a bit and I commented, "It would be crazy to be one of the people that helped figure out what would entice an ant from a toilet to its death."

Instantly, I thought about Satan, and how he has designed traps that not only slowly kill us but also that lead others to the site of the poison.  And this poison entices us from filthy, disgusting places, promising an easy sweet reward. 

I am grateful for the example of my Savior, who stood strong in the face of the easy route, keeping His focus on His Father.

May we ever be mindful. Satan is NOT our friend.

The Burden of Decision Making

 I just had a huge breakthrough moment mentally and need to write my way through it.  (Warning: wordy and very personal.)

It's all about decisions. Making them. The consequences. The pain. The Purpose.

Decision Awareness

For years I and many around me have struggled to make decisions. Why is that? Why do we have a hard time making decisions?

I am reminded of the time that I read “What Is Seen And Not Seen?,” a short essay by Bastiat that apparently the Founding Fathers really liked. While largely a social economy essay, the main concept is that we cannot see the rippling effect of each choice. Writers and speakers today refer to it as the “Butterfly Effect”: a butterfly's wings move air that can ultimately become a hurricane.

So each of our decisions has that same effect. From the looks we give to the blatant actions we take, each motion, each microdecision has an impact—from individual to widespread. And I believe that it is in the awareness of effects we can see coupled with the unperceived reality of what we don't see that makes ...each...decision...so...hard.

My entire life I have been acquiring an increased awareness of my social footprint. The more I learn, the more I study, the more I am exposed to different people, places, cultures and ideas—honestly, the more I just live in awareness of the effects of my actions—the more I learn about:

-how people respond

-how people can be loved

-how people can be hurt

-the power of manipulation

-the power of inspiration

-the history of hurt

-the history of impact

-cause and effect of motivation

-cause and effect of each individual choice.

Often my mind will be a whirlwind of the possibility of a moment. For instance, Xai just came up to me. Instantly my desire to give him a big hug and start interacting with him warred with my feelings that I need to write down these thoughts. Thoughts race about IMPACT:

-of neglect,

-of thoughts left to create chaos and unrest in my brain and psyche

-of each microsecond of pausing in making the next decision

-of even the attitude with which I deliver that finally made decision.

I have always struggled to determine the right decision. In my idealistic world, there was a way to always do the right thing so whenever I made decisions that yielded negative impacts—whether through personal weakness and choice or ignorance—I berated myself. When it was a genuine sin, I learned how to find solace in repentance, although I definitely had a hard time forgiving myself. When it was pain or hurt caused in others or disorder or imperfection created through my decision making, it was like I gave myself permission to scold, hate and even mentally scourge myself.

Mental Scourging

This was a largely unaware process, a default that I generated at some stage of my development; but it became acceptable.

It became engrained.

It became right.

And when I ran over Isaak, it became the new complete reality.

Finally, I had crossed the line over irredeemable. I was faced with many decisions, the biggest one immediately following was to live or die. Again, the ripple effect of possibilities rolled before me: take my life and stop causing pain and horror in the lives of others or keep living and keep inflicting pain.

If I took my life, my family would have to suffer more immediate mourning. The children would be left to face life with a mother who killed herself and the emotional, psychological damage of unforeseen magnitude of that action. If I lived, I would be there to keep causing pain and suffering through my ignorance, ineptness, or choice.

While currently I can see the flaws in this mental state, it was the reality that spring day on the back patio at our house in Kearns in 2003.

I obviously chose the previous option.

Moving forward, I received different levels of healing and feelings of forgiveness. However, underlying it wall was this driving sense of....something. It translated into aggression, huge mood swings and almost constant self-belittlement. Every choice I made seemed to be not quite right. No matter what I chose, someone or something somewhere suffered for that choice.

And the weight had become oppressive.

Even to not make a choice is a choice in itself to be weighed in the balance.

A few years ago, I had a deep and cleansing healing experience with reference to Isaak's death that left me feeling like a new baby with a clean slate. It was a transformational level of healing that alleviated years of inner self-disgust regarding that one horrific day. It was an incalculable respite from that burden.

For a while, that was enough. I basked in the lightness I felt. The inner self-acceptance.

Love yourself

But then something started pricking. I couldn't relax and not feel like a terrible person. I couldn't just sit and enjoy my family. Apparently, I wasn't just compensating for the tragic loss I had caused. Apparently, there was something else happening internally that was torquing my ability to feel content with myself.

What was it?

I began “hearing” whiffs of it in my prayers, which became stronger and stronger over time.

Love yourself.

At first, whenever I felt that I would immediately scoff. I would make excuses. I would justify why that was particularly selfish.

And then I started realizing how deeply that one omission was affecting me. It was preventing me from opening up myself to share in a loving relationship with others. Oh, I could see everyone else's blinding beauty and worth! But I've come to realize that I then tried to either make myself worthy of that relationship or didn't open myself up, fearing my ugliness within would hurt or bore or annoy them. It was painful. It was heavy. It was laced with that same self-belittlement that, logically, I knew was not healthy, correct, and even selfish. But then I would hate myself more for hating myself. Whew. It was exhausting.

However, I was beginning to see the truth behind the commandment, “Love your neighbor as yourself” with its inherent reversal, “Love yourself like your neighbor.” I could feel my ability to love curbed as I tried to control the impact I had on others....always failing. Because I had strong habits of berating myself, sometimes in moments of heat, those thought patterns would transfer onto those around me. It is very hard to change inner dialogue from hate to love on a dime, especially in moments of duress.  I prayed for God to show me how.

Those who know me, know how intense I can get. Imagine that, directed at my soul, rife with disgust. Oh, I had many times free of it, when the world around me, the Spirit, etc would help me find joy in what was going on and peace did penetrate myself. But there was definitely no underlying base of worth or acceptance that existed. It just sat there in my soul, rearing its nasty head when I was struggling or under duress.

Each decision caused pain, burdens, hurt or annoyance somewhere. Every moment I felt like I was weighing the “good, better, best” of that moment and no matter my good intentions, I just couldn't stop hurting people. I came to relish times of being away from everyone, attributing it to some “introvert” quality. And I felt bad for yearning to be away from everyone, even those I loved.

How could that be right? I was definitely stuck.

The Problem of Pain

As I pondered how to move forward, finally seeing the cage I was in, I started reflecting on pain.

Over the years, I would cry out to heaven, “Please take me away so I stop causing pain!!”

However, lately I started thinking: was I really that determined to not cause pain? Is pain so bad? Spending a lifetime avoiding pain is not only unhealthy but unrealistic. (Yes, the line from “Princess Bride” is perfect here: “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling you something.”) I also was mindful of the experience and strength that comes through certain kinds of pain. And I didn't shirk much from pain caused to myself if it was for a higher cause.

So was “the ideal” to not experience pain? No, it couldn't be. But was it right for me to cause pain? Just because pain is an inevitable part of existence, is it okay to deliberately cause it? That doesn't seem right either.

I think often about Eve and her decision in the Garden of Eden. Up until very recently, I felt like her struggle to decide to partake of the fruit—“Is there no other way?”—lay in the fact that she was bringing pain into the world. Her decision would cause pain. But as I write that now, how could the factor of “pain” be part of that decision? She didn't know what “pain” even was at that point....

...which leads me to the HUGE EPIPHANY that I had this week.

The True Burden of Choice

On Wednesday, my bishop counseled me to consider why God loves me. I KNOW He loves me more completely than I know pretty much anything else due to some very sacred experiences I have had over the years. But I have struggled to feel worthy of that love.

As I pondered the Bishop's request, a few things came to mind.

1. I really am a nice person. I love to serve. I can be mean. I am not perfect. But overall, I am nice.
2. I have a soul that loves purely.
3. I live with integrity. almost maniacally always trying to make the “right” decision.

So what was the problem? I knew that the Atonement was there for me. Why did I feel such despair currently? I just kept feeling like no matter what I did, no matter how much I tried to honor God's laws, I just kept being unworthy or horrible or ugly.

Then it hit me. I don't remember how. I think it was when I was listening to 2 Nephi 2, when we learn that the Atonement paid the price for the transgression of the Fall. It hit me: there were two commandments.

1. Multiply and replenish the earth
2. Don't eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil

It was impossible to do both. And they had to make the choice. I don't buy the whole scenario, “God didn't come down in time to stop them from making a bad choice.” Really?? He was distracted??

I don't think so.

And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.

And they would have had no children.

So they had to make a choice. A choice that caused a lot of pain. A choice that caused progression. An obedient choice.

God knew that they would violate one commandment or the other, either by omission or commission. And there was a plan in place.  Going back to 2 Nephi 2:

But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things....

And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law

Christ paid the price.

They had two laws in conflict with each other, and Christ paid the price for the law that they were violating in order to honor the law that was highest at that moment!!

And that day, it hit me.

Each book of scripture begins with choice: a choice where two laws are in conflict..

1. Doctrine and Covenants, where we find Joseph Smith facing a decision to honor his trust with his commendable, supportive mentor, Martin Harris or to honor his faith in God's word that he not share the 116 pages with Martin's wife.

2. Mary and Joseph are confronted with the decision to honor God's direct instruction or honor social and moral constructs of their day and their religion.

3. Nephi is instructed by an angel to kill Laban, going counter to the 10 Commandments—also the word of God.

4. And Adam and Eve were given two commandments in the Garden of Eden: go forth and multiply and don't eat of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

This whole life, every choice we make, is a decision between laws. And when we honorably and with integrity decide to honor the law that we feel is highest at the moment, Christ's atonement will pay the price for our transgression of any lower law!  And the Atonement heals, supports, loves, pays the price, and makes all things whole.

We see it in the scriptures:

-Abraham and Isaac: kill your son or take care of your son

-The widow of Nain: feed the prophet or feed your child

-Jesus Christ: ointment for His feet or feed the poor; Mary and Martha—serve or be instructed

-The Anti-Nephi-Lehis and Captain Moroni: take up or lay down your weapons.

We see it in our lives:

-have a devotional with older kids or play a game with my littles.
-invest in creating productions that my kids are in or stop and take time to go on a walk
-save for the future or use the money for the poor
-take a needed break or make a house of order.
-correct a child or let the Spirit teach them.

-honor inspiration to have another child or spend more time with the kids I already feel overwhelmed to meet the needs of.

My struggle is mostly in how I spend my time:
-serve in church or serve my family
-spend time reading my scriptures or exercising
-date with my husband or snuggle with the kids to sleep.

I would work and work to stream-line and create a schedule that perfectly balanced my time so there was no neglect, no trangression.  And it just wouldn't ever seem to work! 

I was caught up in bearing the burden for the many, many ways I was transgressing laws as I make decisions. I was feeling so dirty and unacceptable. I have to make choices—even the choice to NOT make a choice—and the knowledge and increased awareness I have gained over the years was helping me see more and more the effect of my choices. How could I be a good person and be creating so much actual and potential for pain and heartache? Even at the end of a day where I felt I had done my best, all day long, I would hurt, especially when I was already feeling tired or vulnerable.

A case in point: a few nights ago, Penelope was struggling to go to sleep; Liesl and Eli were upset that I wasn't snuggling with them until they went to sleep, and I had asked Maia and Piper to play a game with me since I missed doing things with them in our busy schedule. It tore me apart. Kids were crying or waiting or whining. I was so frustrated. I was so sad.

All those transgressions just added up. And I couldn't see how Christ would or should forgive me of them if I had gone into the decision with my eyes wide open to the negative cost of those decisions. Surely there must be some way to not cause that pain or potential ripples of negativity.

Apparently not.

Apparently that lesson is important enough it is practically the first lesson of each book of scripture.

We have to make hard choices. The highest law is the one God is telling us to do at that very moment. And we can trust Him that the Atonement will redeem us from the effects of transgressing the law that is lesser at the moment as we act with integrity. I can live with that.

So is this life about making decisions? Absolutely. Making decisions that honor whatever the Higher Law is at the moment. That is what God does constantly, make decisions guided by the highest Law at the moment. He weeps at the pain. He rejoices at the beauty. 

And we are all seeking to become like Him. 

 I think I am starting to get the Purpose of decisions.

I feel peace.

"Gifts from the Sea" Thoughts

I have just gathered some thoughts and discussions from a current mentoring group I am in relative to this book on this post so I can keep it even after I leave the mentoring group. I don't know that it will have particular interest to anyone else, but I do highly recommend reading Anne Lindbergh's "Gifts from the Sea" with the question in your heart: "What can I learn from her words?"

Anne compares our relationships with other people as a dance. I loved it! It gave me a good visual about many current relationships I have. Different relationships have different "dancing" styles: formal, intimate, care-free, minimal interaction. They vary with rhythm, frequency and intensity. When we "dance" with someone, you need to be on the same page, dancing the same dance, or it makes the dance unsuccessful or awkward. We need to take the time to communicate with our "dance partner" or at least evaluate the possible expectations of each other in a "dance." And viewing relationships this way we can identify the patterns, beauty and grace that can exist in a myriad of relationships.

*************

I loved the mentor prompt to read this book on level 5: what message does this book have for me to transform my life? One of the questions that always hovers in my heart as a mother is how to "balance" everything I want to do in my life in my many roles as wife, mother, friend, student, daughter, etc. It has been a long time since a classic has answered this question so personally for me.

One way it answered me was in the chapter of the moon shell. She was talking about the need for stillness: "Woman must be the pioneer in this turning inward for strength...Less able, until the last generation, to escape into outward activities the very limitations of her life forced her to look inward. And from looking inward she gained an inner strength which man i his outward active life did not as often find." I once heard that the mindless repetition of our daily tasks gives our minds time to wander and ponder while our hands are busy. We have lost this in a world full of noise. While this noise is often valuable (listening to inspiring music or talks while doing chores), we have lost the valuable resource of silence. The voice of the universe, the Holy Spirit, your inner self...whatever you want to call it...can most effectively speak to us in silence. I liked that it reminded me that my very limitations are in fact often a good thing. These limitations also force us to prioritize, making constant choices as to what is most important, where our priorities are.

This thought by Anne is followed up by the beautiful end quote of the chapter: "You (the moon shell) will reminde me that unlses I keep the island-quality intact somewhere within me, I will have little to give my husband, my children, my friends or the world at large. Youw ill remind me that woman must be still as the axis of the wheel (love this!) in the midst of her activities; that she must be the pioneer in achieving this stillness, not only for her own salvation, but for the salvation of family life, of society, perhaps even of our civilization." (pg 57, 59 in my book)

This reminds me of an article I listened to on the radio about the severe emotional/mental problems women face when transitioning back into civilian life from the military. The direction of the broadcast was geared towards unresolved sexual harrassment, but the thought crossed my mind, "perhaps it is that the nature of military training and combat runs so counter to the natural woman's role." Now, that doesn't meant I don't believe there isn't a place for a woman in the military, but I wondered if something necessary for the feminine psyche is missing from the intense outward demands of military life?

Just now, I was forced to stop what I was doing on the computer to go and address the needs of my 2 month old. Simple yet constant interruptions like this make me constantly evaluate what I am doing, is it important enough to put in front of the needs of my other responsibilities, etc. "The very limitations of our lives" indeed provide a wisdom and refocusing on what truly matters.

My overall answer that came from this book for me in my life at this time and season was that it is not a question of "balancing," a word that I shudder from simply because the idea of balance runs so counter in my mind to the many different fluctuating demands of my life. I realized it was more a question of "demands": what are the demands in my life? who is making them? do I accept them as needing to be dealt with?" I feel like Anne exposed the demand demons that lurk unacknowledged but ever-present in our lives and forced me to confront them, a painful but cleansing process.

***************

From "Sami": 

My sister is a journalist, the editor of her local paper. It drives her crazy that I don't watch the news or read the paper. Anne says, "modern communication loads us with more problems that the human frame can carry. ... My life cannot implement in action the demands of all the people to whom my heart responds." I loved this. This, this is exactly the reason I don't watch the news. I cannot help, over there in Africa, over there in San Francisco, out there in Utah. There is beauty here, I can help right here. In my home, in my neighborhood. I can feed the elderly couple a few blocks away. I can lift the spirits of my lonely neighbor. I can focus right here and respond to my heart right here. I can bloom where I am planted. Now, I have something better to tell my sister. 

My other favorite thing from this book was the call to simplicity. "Simplicity of living, as much as possible, to retain a true awareness of life. Balance of physical, intellectual and spiritual life. Work without pressure. (what is that?)" Coming out of being quite sick for a matter of years, I yearn for simplicity. For the to do list to be meaningful. When Anne described the first day with her sister, making breakfast together, doing the dishes together, then separately working, then coming together again, I felt drawn in. To do what is necessary and still have time for wanted work and needed quiet appeals to me ever so much. Is it possible to begin a relationship in this phase? or no?

Me:

I, too, loved the beauty captured in that day with her sister. It resonates in my heart with something I struggle with: structure time and not content. I loved the idea that I can be working on my tasks next to my children and we can feel a connection without me having to be directly interacting with what they are doing! I love how you put "to do what is necessary and still have time for wanted work and needed quiet." I guess my struggle is to figure out what is truly necessary?

Rachel:

Sami, your comment in passing about coming out of being quite sick for several years gave me the unexpected (but obvious) answer to the question in my mind: How has she taken to this so completely, and her children responded so well, in such a short amount of time? The possible answer, in my mind, is that your sickness primed everyone for it perfectly. The family's core was in sync. There was a harmonious dynamic, an empathy for you and each other, that allowed you to lead out on a path they could trust and "feel," because your family was not fractured by disparate experiences and rhythms. I wonder what you think of this analysis?

*********

Trena:

I'm intrigued by so many of Anne's ideas. It makes me laugh because the first time I read this book I did not get anything out of it. I wrote no notes and was not looking forward to reading it again. My book is now covered in notes and I want to read it annually. Anne brings up the idea of alone time. How we don't get enough alone time. We fill the silence with noise whether it be radio or television and certainly in my case, social media. She says, "If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others." Later she says, "You will remind me that I must try to be alone for part of each year, even a week or a few days; and for part of each day, even for and hour or a few minutes in order to keep my core, my center, my island-quality. You will remind me that unless I keep the island-quality intact somewhere within me, I will have little to give my husband, my children, my friends or the world at large." While I have to remind myself that a week to myself is not part of my season of life, if I get a few minutes or hours, I am grateful. A few years ago I was invited to a ladies night without kids. One friend told us her husband encouraged her to go to the ladies night because he knew it would help her. She could have her "alone" time without kids for a few hours and return with new found energy to be the mom/wife she wanted to be.

Sami:

I feel the same way, I did not want to even read this book. I have been away from my children for a week, on a cruise, with my sister. I slept the first two days. It was as Anne said, "For me, the break is the most difficult. Parting is inevitably painful, even for a short time." And yet, if I don't get time to myself daily, I start to feel frantic. Chaotic. For me, to totally leave my children is unacceptable, but I must be alone for a bit of everyday. I purposely get up before they do. The ironic thing is, I like to be alone, there is just a guilt bit if I leave them too long. Something that says I should be doing this or that for them. I try really hard not to should on myself. Anne says people don't like being alone. I don't find that true for me. I don't need the radio, I prefer the silence, or the waves.

Me:

I wonder if it is possible to be alone while doing the things that are "necessary" as Anne puts it in our daily routine? Rachel mentioned it in the debriefing video, I believe--the solitude found in doing laundry. I find it when nursing my baby at night. Perhaps we could adopt the idea from the next video about globalism (?) by DeMille for next month where he says that we can approach what we do with an investment mentality or an "entertainment" or escape mentality. Perhaps we can add another mentality: chore mentality. How do we approach our daliy tasks? Do we see laundry, nursing or washing dishes as a chance to be centered and calm or do we see it as a punishment for not training our children better, lol :D?

I resonate with the challenge of finding needed "alone" time while feeling guilt about leaving the little ones. I had a lesson on this lately during a trip to Utah. We live in New York now and have not been home for 2 1/2 years. (Apparently, I still view Utah as "home.") Our entire family had expectations for the trip that I tried to schedule in. I realized mine was to be able to talk to several people, to reconnect with them. After about the third such visit, I found that it was a challenge to organizing such an experience in light of the needs of my many children who were with me. To just leave them time and again to visit with friends felt unacceptable during our brief family vacation time. As one of my last visits fell through I realized I could just call this dear friend! That way my kids would be in their own safe environment, I could connect with my friend...and maybe even get the dishes done! I had created an expectation that "reconnect" needed to be face to face...but it didn't.

Following through with this idea, I called her yesterday, about a week after we got home and we had a fantastic, renewing, recentering conversation while she snuggled with her sick babies on her couch and I took care of my own kids. While I wasn't technically alone, it was restorative time, which I believe is the same thing we are talking about here. Perhaps one of the keys to finding this rejuvenation is to recognize elements already in our lives that would accommodate this and embrace them?

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Kirsty:

For me, the idea from Reeve Lindbergh in the foreword encapsulates so much of what I gathered from this book. The notion that the book offers 'a kind of freedom' - the 'freedom that comes from choosing to remain open....to life itself, whatever it brings......always, change.' As Anne suggests, the one constant in life is change; whether through our own making or through the circumstances of life. How we face those changes in relationships, roles, work, health, family, etc.... certainly determines our experience of life. They are as inevitable as the waves of the sea. They bring us joy, challenge, heart break, growth. But our attitudes to ourself, our acceptance of what life brings, and the desires that motivate us all determine what our part of the world will look like. Far too often I feel like the life I dream of is not actually the life I am living because there is this desire for more, for better, for improvement. But in actual fact, there is plenty to enjoy right where I am, playing to my strengths, loving those God has put in my path and continuing to be open to life, to love and to learning.

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I thought the comparison to being the center of the spokes of a wheel was a beautiful analogy. It rang true with further application to my relationship with my husband. He is truly like the outer part of the wheel, dealing with the world of providing and protecting our family while I feel more like the heart of our home connecting us all together and supporting and sustaining. Neither one works well without the other;each has different roles, complementary roles. 

I think there are many truths about healthy husband/wife relationships that can be found through application of this analogy and have had fun exploring them. I am aware that no analogy is perfect within itself nor applicable to every situation or person but this one resonates with me!

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I felt like Anne's depiction of how a woman interacts with the world was spot on for me. The visual of a woman being at the center of a wheel with her attention being drawn out to many needs was particularly poignant as I have been struggling with this very situation. I feel so pulled, wanting to interact and meet the needs of so many around me, all the while yearning for the "philosophical peace and calm" she refers to...that quiet center of stability.

It seems that she seemed to suggest to do both wasn't really possible: to be outwardly focused in meeting needs and to be able to create that inward philosophical calm. She seemed to suggest that this is part of what creates angst in many women. Thoughts?

Kirsty:

The old cliche response of 'seasons' springs to mind for me Mary. I really don't think we can do it all, all of the time. But perhaps we shouldn't even hope to be able too. In this season of a 4 and 7 year old in our home, there are things I will be able to do better now than I will do them as the boys get older. And the opposite is true of some things too. I think determining our personal and family values and assessing opportunities and experiences that come our way against those might help us know better what to say yes or no to. My thoughts anyway.

Me:

The imagery of the ocean keeps standing out to me as I read all these comments :D, like I am hearing waves in the background as I read about times, seasons, assessing. Perhaps the old cliches are around for a reason, right? Because they are so true?
Okay...so why is it so stinkin' hard sometimes to embrace seasons?? I can see it from the outside, but when it actually comes down to planning out my day, I find that I always try to plan it to the max, regardless of my season. I am a little intense. Perhaps it is good that I had 12 children so it would be impossible for me to smother any one child with my intensity, lol :).

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My husband and I have been reading this aloud to each other. When I asked him what he didn't like he said that he didn't like how she brought up vague symbolism but wasn't really clear what it represented. He said it is a hard book to listen to. When I asked him what would make a self-improving book easier to listen to, he suggested direct statements and stories to reinforce the point. I thought this was an interesting contrast between his mode of thinking and speaking and my own :). I tend to be philosophical and scattered in thinking and communicating; he is to the point with comments and loves to give supportive examples. This book is definitely right along my lines of thinking!

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Holly:

"The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient... To dig for treasures shows not only impatience and greed, but lack of faith." p11 WOW, this brings so many things to my mind that it is almost overwhelming. Childbirth is faith. Core phase is faith, Love of learning is faith, scholar phase is faith... even my own phases when I attempt to push them I feel out of balance. When I ponder, pray and ask for the guidance of God books fall open to the perfect page I need.

Me:

This statement really hit home to me as well! I too often seek for immediate results of behavior and have a hard time being patient. I like the different examples of faith you gave, even tying childbirth into that process. I hadn't thought of that before. Life is faith. Waking up and starting each new day requires a degree of faith.

Your last statment reminds me of something a friend told me years ago. I had just come home from a TJEd seminary and was contemplating which mentor I should choose to direct me to the next step. I brought this up to my friend and she asked me for what kind of mentor I was looking for. "I don't know," I replied. "Someone to really help me see the next step and give me direction in my life."

"God is the ultimate mentor, Mary," she said. "He can mentor you in incredible ways. You just have to trust Him."

I have found your statement true many times in my own life. I think it is interesting how I can feel inspired to pick up a particular book as well as inspired when to put it down. It is almost a sensation of "you have gotten what you need out of that one; now move on." Sometimes I am inspired to skim; sometimes to absorb...when I chose to listen and act. :) I have had incredible experiences where I will read an article or pick up a random book and read a little and find that what I just read is relevant soon thereafter in a conversation or problem that arises. That faith in our ultimate Mentor can really create miracles in our hectic lives when we let it!

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Ian:

There is a second main idea that really struck me that I really wanted to share. The environment.
Lindbergh made sure she set up her environment to be as conducive to her purpose and goals as possible.

Our environment can be one of our greatest assets or one of our worst nightmares. Don't you think?

Me:

This statement about the role of environment is my answer to your original question. My big ah-hah so far from this book has been to simplify, simplify, simplify!! After reading the "Channeled Whelk" chapter, I was impressed with the idea that American's have probably the greatest ability to choose simplicity or complexity in life and we so often choose complexity. I remember living in Hungary in a one bedroom apartment with 9 children and having to do our laundry by hand and shop for groceries without a car. The former was done in spite of storms and subsequent clothes in the mud and the latter with only a stroller that I got to drive up a steep hill on the way home. However, I remember being amazed at how I still had the time to do the same schooling, the same bonding experiences as a family that we had been able to do in America. Sometimes the many things we possess to make our lives "simpler" actually get in the way!

Her cottage on the shore comes to mind now as I am going through a deep-clean purge of our house pre-Christmas holiday. I shared Anne's thoughts with my kids during our devotional with the sounds of the ocean from our computer creating an ambience :). They thought it was pretty cool and some of them joined me. My daughter moving out to college in Idaho said it changed what she realized she needed to bring (which will probably free up a lot of van space when we drive cross-country to drop her off :D!). I love the perfect timing of this book in my life.

I also find it is interesting that this book follows "Dumbing Us Down" in this course. The ideas in "Dumbing Us Down" can really make us want to take on the the world. Following that motivating book with one on simplicity and appreciation has been an interesting and benefical contrast for me. Does anyone else have any thoughts on the positioning of these two books back to back? Would the mentors who planned it this way be willing to share their reasoning?

Rachel:

Dumbing us Down has stood as a witness from one with a unique and authoritative perspective that today's mainstream educational system does not nurture or reward individual genius, creativity or innovation. It stands as a challenge and an invitation to define our own educational ideals, describing in uncompromising terms the need for the type of education we'll pursue in this series.

Lindbergh's Gift from the Sea simply cannot be read incorrectly; it is all about pondering, applying it to your life, thinking creatively, intuitively, authentically. Careful thought has gone into the succession from Gatto to Lindbergh - the former being an exposition of what is wrong, the latter, a "healing" book; first the "tell", then the "show."

And while Gatto gives us a template for seeing what is wrong, the audio mentoring for Lindbergh gives a template for finding what is good, right and true, and how to apply it on a personal level, and in our mentoring.

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Ian:

I love the value she gives for personal reflection, thinking, and for being at peace. Taking the personal time for rejuvenating and re-energizing oneself. We live in a society that highly values hard labor, both blue collar and white collar work. We downplay the value of thinking and pondering work; which can be the most valuable, it is definitely a vital part of fulfilling one's mission and achieving great success.

This book was tough for me, I have a hard time slowing down and smelling the roses... But it is a large part of a Leadership Education; learning how to think.

Me:

Amen! I found this book, from necessity, made me slow down in order to savor the truths and really reflect on how to apply them because they were so deep. So true.

Knowing what I do now of the pain of her experiences makes me remember anew the collateral beauty of perspective that can come through heart ache and trials. (We just watched "Collateral Beauty" starring Will Smith so this concept is fresh on my mind.) Times of extreme emotion can cause us to see things more clearly through the starkness of being stripped emotionally down to the core. Her trials I am sure added to her clarity of perspective.