You have been so dear to me since day one…well, even since before you were born. But I remember with particular emotion the day you came into this world and the Spirit I felt.
Why do I start my letter to you about my faith in and relationship with Jesus Christ this way? With your birth?
Because your very presence in my life was a sign of His great mercy and love–of the intimate way with which He works with our Father to bring about joy, grace and salvation. You were the first child born to me after Isaak’s death. I felt very literally with your tiny, pudgy presence in my arms that God would still trust me with one of His very precious spirits. The intimate way with which They worked together to bring about that redemptive moment is one of the dearest indications of their role in my life.
You see, that moment when I accidentally ran over your big brother was a pivotal point where my understanding of grace and works and the true love of God began to shift and become very personal.
As a kid and even until I was a young adult, I had a great testimony of works…of obeying commandments to get blessings. And if I wasn’t getting blessings or wasn’t thriving, it must be because I wasn’t working hard enough. So I pushed myself emotionally and physically– relentlessly pushing toward the illusion of self-earned exaltation. I paid lip-service to the grace of God. I knew of the love of God, but my ownership over my sins and my perfection was wrong.
With Isaak’s death, I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t fix anything. The ripple effect of that one act was staggering–not only in my life but in the life of those around me. My sandy foundation of “Mary can do this on her own!” was ripped out from underneath me and I was spiraling, clinging to whatever I could to endure. I still remember clearly the moment in March of the next year when I realized that because I could still feel the Spirit, I had somehow been forgiven by Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father of any owned responsibility in Isaak’s passing.
Your birth? Another divine confirmation of God’s love for me.
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From that day forward, I continued to experience the grace of Jesus Christ, even if I have not always been so great at receiving it. He and the Father have been intimately involved in the raising of all of you: guiding us to Hungary where we became closer as a family and developed testimonies; guiding us back to Utah and then to New York for all those precious experiences that we have had that have shaped our family and each of you.
I see the hand of Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father directly in my parenting. They not only use experiences with my kids to teach them but to teach me. Case in point: we were doing end of the year testing last week and Xai was stressing over the fact that he didn’t know the answer to one of the questions. I had assured the kids (as I always do) that their performance on these tests is not an indication of their intelligence nor their worth, but he needed a specific reminder.
“Xai, no matter what your answer is to this question, no matter what your score is on this test, the important thing is that you are taking it. That fulfills the law. If you are doing your best, that is all I ask. Keep trying and just finish it. The answer to this question doesn’t really matter in the long run. I know that you will learn it by the time you leave my house and grow up on your own if it does matter.”
Later, as I was stressing over one thing or another in my own life, the words I shared with Xai floated back into my mind, but this time with the context of a much bigger test–my life. I felt the truthfulness of it and struggled to apply the same confidence I felt as the parent to try and understand better God’s perspective with my own personal performance in this life.
You see? He is my teacher. Any time my heart is open enough, reaching enough, humble enough, They both teach me. I cannot speak about One without the Other. The Father and the Son are truly one God: in Their work, in Their love.
So as a parent, I have been able to shaped by my Mentors, in much the same way of this beloved picture you might remember from our home.
Seeing Their hand in your life has been particularly meaningful: in the times you have come to me after stealing some candy; the times you have come, struggling with sin; the times you have come to me hurt by those around us…my sweet, tender boy. Watching you grow, struggle and progress has been one of the greatest joys of my life. You are a gift to me.
I cannot be complete in my expression of my relationship with and faith in Christ without sharing His role in my mental health journey. Not only have I seen people, ideas and experiences placed in my life in timely ways (like Pilgrim’s Progress, the villains and the heroes), but I have felt the direct presence of Them.
I would like to share two of the many ways that Christ and the Father are present in my life:
MENTOR: A good mentor provides a loving environment for growth by: giving encouragement and direction; letting the individual stretch their wings; and providing opportunities to learn and apply what they know. I have seen Them direct two specific events as an indication of this…
At Isaak’s passing, my mom was driving over to the house, the scene of the accident. As she came, she watched the life-flight helicopter circle over our house. “Please let it land,” she pled. But it didn’t. As her soul absorbed this fact and she continued towards the house, she was able to perceive clearly the roles of the Godhead at that scene. The Father was directing the events and people. The Spirit was there like a balm over everything. (Even the firefighters spoke in hushed tones and remarked about the feeling that was there.) And she felt distinctly that Christ’s role was to take Isaak in His arms and carry him to heaven.
When I went catatonic at Medina, that month where I retreated from life for healing, I can look back and see a very direct intercession of God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost each taking on specific, concerted roles the road to my healing that month. A climax was when I was in Utah–using a ticket I had bought on sale months before “maybe for Lily?” I had thought. During that very directed week, I was led to a mental health professional by Angie Moore, who “happened” to have an opening in his schedule at the perfect time in my week. Laying down on that couch and undergoing his professionally directed hypno-healing was an experience of redemption I will never forget as I confronted and forgave myself for what I had done about 15 years previous to that. Walking out of that office I felt a peace I had never imagined…all the more stark because of the years of torment before it. A peace that was only possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. His grace and God’s ongoing ministration brought about peace of conscience to a mother who had run over her son. If that is not an indication of the great power, love and mercy of the Godhead, I don’t know what is.
COMFORTER: Strangely, two experiences again surge to the forefront of my mind that I would like to share to help illustrate this role of Them in my life:
I was standing in the field at the park next to our house in Medina. I can see it so clearly. I had just counseled for the first time with President Pace about my mental health struggles, my self-hate and torment over Isaak’s death reaching a fevered pitch during that month that I walked away from life. I remember President Pace standing right next to me and invoking an informal blessing over me. I don’t remember the words, but I remember how it felt. Oh, Hyrum. The physical presence of immense strength, compassion and love for me was tangible and hugely real in a deeply spiritual, physical way that I can still remember what it felt like. It felt like I could just lean into that presence and find rest. When I would get overwhelmed by turmoil inside I would just close my eyes and lean into the strength of that memory–only it wasn’t just a memory! It has been there for me. In a very real sense, my Savior was there in that field of Medina, standing next to me through His representative. It was one of the most real experiences of my life.
Later that month, I was on the beach in California through another series of miracles and the love from my sweet husband and parents. I spent many hours on that beach that has since become sacred in my memory. At one point, I asked God, “What do you think of me?” I had just allowed myself to be rolled by the powerful waves and was a little overwhelmed by the rawness of that experience. The immense power of God–so much greater than those waves–was very immediately before me in a way I hadn’t comprehended. If He, who had such power, had feelings for me, what could they possibly be?
I closed my mind and let it wander and felt myself being led to the space in existence when I was an intelligence, being brought out and formed. The details were not specific, but I distinctly remember the impression of a little soul being cradled in huge, strong hands. My Father’s hands. And that little soul was me. “Beloved,” He whispered over me. Beloved.
Hyrum, I adore you. It’s like with someone who always has body odor and doesn’t know they do because they are used to it but everyone else notices it, lol. But with you, it’s LIGHT. My dear Hyrum, your light is so strong that people flock to it…because you love them, you are humble, you are sincere. You are you.
Relax into your relationship with Christ and the Father. Lean on them when you are low and allow yourself to feel their strength and presence in your life. Always incorporate the scriptures, prayer, journaling (doesn’t have to be long!) and awareness of Their presence in your life. You don’t have to be stressed to be doing God’s work. Just intentional.
Look at your intentions. Are they sincere? Fabulous. Then keep the Spirit with you through daily worship and you will not be able to help but feel motivated to do good…and rotten when you are not living and working in the Spirit, lol. Remember that wrong roads video by Holland? I swear that I have learned more about what the Spirit feels like by NOT following it, sadly! But I am learning!
May They be a very real presence to you in your life. As you can see, I have felt closer to them through my weakness, my sins, my trials. President Young said the greatest fear he had for the Saints was prosperity. There is something about being hurt or sad or regretful that opens our heart to change and to Their presence. Seek for it and yearn for it like you always need it–for indeed, we always do.
I cannot say how much I love you. It is a good thing I didn’t have just one child because you would have been SMOTHER loved! And our lives would not be nearly as fun, full, colorful and exciting. I guess I better stop because you are probably still here reading while everyone else is done…or maybe you brought this letter home. 😀
I feel impressed to tell you that if you ever feel touched by the Spirit to share any of these experiences and anything about my life, please do! That is probably the main positive thing–next to the development of my personal relationship with my Savior–that has come from Isaak’s death…that others can learn from my experiences.
Beauty from Ashes, my son.
Love you, Mom
