Narcissist? Moi?

     Hey!  Super cool epiphany (and it's super cool that the epiphany is exciting; God's ways are mysterious!): I'm a narcissist!  God has really shown me how much like my little Xai that I am--sweet heart, but seriously a little obsessed with both my own ideas (case in point, how much I download everywhere!), but also with avoiding pain.  But it feels super hopeful and wonderful!  Like a piece of the puzzle has been slid into place...a healthy place.  

And then I opened up to Jacob 4:7 this morning: God shows us our weaknesses that we may know that it is by His power and grace etc that we have power.  Seeing myself in the context of Xai and a friend's recent divorce and her reasons why, and then seeing them both through the benevolent lens of narcissists from a recent Brene Brown book I read is super cool!  (Basically, narcissists operate out of a place of pain and trauma.) Exciting, humbling in such a good way. Jacob 4:10: seek not to counsel the Lord but to take counsel from his hand...ye know that he counseleth in wisdom....and in great mercy.  

I had been reflecting upon a few things.  Xai is super obsessed with avoiding pain.  I can see that in myself.  Even the lengths I will go to to avoid future pain.  Many of the obsessive ways that I do things is to minimize the pain that I might feel…kind of symbolized by how I go after a sliver.  I know it will hurt more in the long run so I dig deep and fast and hard, sometimes perhaps inflicting more pain than my child would experience in the long run. Okay, maybe I’m not quite that militaristic about it, but maybe as a real life analogy I am, sadly.  How much pain do I inflict, operating out of fear of future pain?

Xai is also full of great ideas–that he can’t wait to share with everyone around him.  He has a hard time listening to others he is so full of his own ideas.  He also has a super sweet heart.  SO I can see these both in me. I have no bad intent. I’m just a little hyper aware of my own thoughts and am super excited about them and share, share, share!  I’m not completely unaware of those around me. I have become increasingly aware of it over the years and through experiences. In fact, I feel like one collateral beauty of the horrible experience with Isaak really made me start thinking of other people, the pain they feel, and the redemptive power of the Atonement to reach all of us, thereby minimizing any tendency towards comparative quality in my worship and worthiness with those around me.

I have also thought about my friend’s recent sharing about her divorce with her husband, how she felt like for years and years she was not appreciated. She gave and gave and gave and just never felt like her husband was interested in filling her cup.  And when it seemed like they needed to do something, it was like he had given up and that “she wasn’t even worth trying for.”  Now, this is just the lens of interpretation through which I heard her and definitely did not accurately represent her since I can’t know of her experience and the range of experiences and emotions that led her to the place.  But what I took away from it is it is easy for us as woman to seek for love through our service, a toxic ulterior motive. We serve and serve and serve some more.  Yes, because it is right, but also because we hope that in doing so, we will fill our cups of feelings of worthiness or “lovability.”  At least, that is what I have experienced.  My husband is not the villain or disinterested party in my hear that I sometimes paint him to be.  Bless his resilient heart, he will never be enough to offset the voices in my head.  No one will be. As long as I’m strongly advocating for my unworthiness and “unlovability,” the internal voice will be stronger, just as those things up close to our vision are always larger than those at any greater distance.  And maybe our poor husbands can sense this.   Or spouse…maybe it is something anyone can do?

Quinn came into our marriage just enjoying me. I did also to a degree, but over the years have sought for more and more, like the Aerial of “Little Mermaid” and “The Greatest Showman.”

    But this epiphany has been a truly humbling experience but also very exciting.  This is something I can do. And it feels right.

Cool talk I "coincidentally" came across this morning:

Of course, we all have some habits or flaws or personal history that could keep us from complete spiritual immersion in this work. But God is our Father and is exceptionally good at forgiving and forgetting sins we have forsaken, perhaps because we give Him so much practice in doing so. In any case, there is divine help for every one of us at any hour we feel to make a change in our behavior. -- Elder Holland, 10/21

 

The Son rises

 I used to think that one factor-- the main factor-- facing Eve (garden of Eden), Nephi (Laban), Joseph Smith (116 pages) and Mary mother of our Savior (immaculate conception) was the idea of shame in being seen as doing the wrong thing when you know in your core that you are doing what God wants you to do. 

I wonder if the challenge for them in facing their decision was also (and moreso?) the pain they feared to cause the ones they loved... the ones who might not understand what they did and that it was indeed God who had told them to do it. 

But as gods and goddesses ourselves, will not often the higher right be the one that is least understood and seems to cause unnecessary pain?

The whole plan of salvation seems to pivot on the allowance and even embracing of the potential pain that comes with, right choices,  growth and learning. (Bury our weapons of war or take them up in our defense?) 

Yet we often seek that less painful path as a default, facing that conundrum of "men are that they might have joy."

I guess joy doesn't always mean an absence of pain. 

***

Regardless, we will never go out of existence. 

The sun always rises after the pain. 

We can only feel it, though, if we turn our faces to the Son. 

God is good. 

His ways are higher than our ways. 

Seek to be Meek ;)

 I have recently really been struggling to have faith and hope despite all the crazy awesome blessings I have and it was frustrating!  Then I ran across a scripture in Moroni and I have become a little obsessed with meekness, lol.  God tells us there that we cannot have faith and hope without meekness.  Weird.  So I can't have faith and hope unless I'm meek?  Wait!  So did that mean I was being prideful and that was why I didn't have faith or hope?  I don't believe this is always the root of sadness, for sure! But it sure has been something of an immediate cause of effect in my life.

So I did what's called a "word study" on meekness, where you gather cool quotes and scriptures about it, and I thought I would share it with you. I would love to hear any thoughts you may have about it!

MEEKNESS: Softness of temper; mildness; gentleness; forbearance under injuries and provocations.

Matthew 11:29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 

Number 12:3 (Now the man Moses was very ameek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.)

Moroni 7: 43 And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be ameek, and lowly of heart.

“The Savior’s meekness and perfect walk before all mankind, “even in those times of severe persecutions and abuse which were heaped upon Him by a wicked and adulterous generation,” qualify Him as the perfect teacher from whom we are to learn the lessons of eternity…

Meekness is not weak, timid, or passive. Meekness is the quality of being God-fearing, righteous, teachable, patient in suffering, and willing to follow gospel teachings. A meek person is not easily provoked or irritated, pretentious, arrogant, or overbearing. Whereas humility generally denotes acknowledging dependence upon God and receptivity to counsel and correction, a distinguishing characteristic of meekness is a particular willingness to learn both from the Holy Ghost and from other people who may seem less experienced or capable, may not hold prominent positions, or otherwise may not appear to have much to contribute.” (Elder Bednar, “Walk in the Meekness of my Spirit,” 2017)

Neal Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: Meekness is needed in order for us to be spiritually successful—whether in matters of the intellect, in the management of power, in the dissolution of personal pride, or in coping with the challenges and routine of life. With meekness, living in “thanksgiving daily” is actually possible even in life’s stern seasons. (BYU Speeches, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles October 21, 1986)

Personal definition:  Meekness is powerful, God-centered self-control, which not only helps me control myself, but also gives fertile ground for the birth of faith and hope.

Personal application:  I want to have hope and faith in my life.  To do so requires meekness, which is “the dissolution of pride” and I’ve already felt the fruits in my life.   I have also seen it be powerfully applied in the lives of others and am excited to apply it more!  When in doubt, seek to be meek!