The ranting. The raving. The mean mommy. The regret. The shame. The apology.
As one friend put it, "I feel like saying 'sorry' has become part of the bedtime routine. 'Good night, sleep well, I love you, I am sorry I have been such a mean mommy.'"
Sigh. I am getting better.
Last night, I was frustrated with the baby, who had been crying for what seemed like forever after I tried lots of things. Well, lots of things half-heartedly :S. Daddy took over when I was super-frustrated, fortunately, and I just sat in the back mud room, plugged my ears and ranted and raved at anything I could think of: the house, the mud, the baby.
Daddy's calm, loving presence worked and the baby was soon asleep. I sulked and read a bit, reasoning that I was calming my "poor self" down.
A couple hours later, I awoke to some pretty pitiful cries from a baby. He had just thrown up all over himself in the crib. Poor dear. His tummy had hurt and all his mommy could do was feel sorry for herself. Sigh. Lesson learned again. Hopefully this time my heart is turned even more away from that behavior so there will not be a next time "sorry" as part of the bedtime routine...
"Signs, signs, everywhere a sign." That song just keeps going through my head as I think of what I want to express in this post...
Maybe is in the news that I see when I exercise in the gym: terrors and storms from politics to flooding in the South to wars abroad.
Maybe it is in the simple evidence of changing weather patterns captured in the common statements around me: "Wow. This is a most unusual..." (Fill in the blank.)
In a dream that I had last night, I was on my way to speak at my Grandpa Buchanan's funeral. As I waited outside the room to speak, a woman and I shared delight in a common scripture. The passage and the delight associated with it was going through my head as I awoke:
25 And now we only wait to hear the joyful news declared unto us by the mouth of angels, of his coming; for the time cometh, we know not how soon. Would to God that it might be in my day; but let it be sooner or later, in it I will rejoice.
A couple of days ago, it was in the following song.
I was in tears as I listened to it with my kids...just picturing all of those voices and so many more raised in praise and glory at the return of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, at His Second Coming! At the conclusion of that great and last chorus, there will be no more sin, no more sorrow, no more pain, no more suffering. It will be FINISHED. The test will be over. Peace shall reign. Hallelujah, indeed!!
Okay, I do plenty of things wrong. Getting frustrated about mud and messes, eating too much, whining, feeling sorry for myself (taking offense too easily...they kind of go hand in hand for me), getting mad at inanimate objects and blaming them for my troubles (because they think, right :S?), not taking care of my body...anyway...etc., etc., etc. Yes. I know it. And the Spirit knows it and keeps me posted.
But there is one thing that I am trying to do more right, and that is look at the people around me with love. And the effects are head-shakingly amazing. It defies logic how much has changed around here since I have tried to not necessarily control how I look at my family. Rather, change how I look at them. They can feel the difference. They can feel it if I am "hiding" disapproval behind a smile. So I had to give up the appearance, thinking that I was somehow doing enough to "keep it from them," a sad lie.
It used to be (and still is as I work on this) that whenever something went wrong or I was just plain upset, I would get mad at my family. I was about to type, "I would get mad at myself" or "I would look for someone or something to blame" but I still do those responses...crazy enough. So that hasn't changed--permit me a rueful chuckle. So really all that has changed so far is that when that happens, those eye-daggers that I would normally unleash on the world at large are now a little more contained...or at least directed away from those whom I love most.
Ever heard of the fiery darts of Satan? Well, I am beginning to wonder if the "fiery eye darts of Mom" aren't almost as lethal.
I would lash out, through harsh words or fierce looks, at those around me and I am so grateful that the Spirit has given me some pretty harsh and dramatic wake-up calls to allow me to see how it has been negatively influencing not necessarily my relationship with my family, but their feelings of self-worth.
Yes. That is the saddest part. I have seen how the children so often look at me as their determination of self-worth. Ever heard another phrase: "When momma is happy, the whole house is happy. When momma is sad, the whole house is sad"? I used to resent that truth (and sometimes still do) but more often the Spirit is directing me to capitalize on it. Okay, I have this power...let's do something with it!
So, coming full circle, I have been first analyzing and then changing how I look at my husband and my children. Yes, my darling husband has unfortunately been the one to suffer the most with my looks of disgust, anger and frustration. And, unfortunately again, as I have been more real about it, I am realizing that every time I do that, it is because I am feeling those very feelings against myself or my circumstances. Poor chap has had to take the fall for pretty much everything bad that happens in my life up until now.
(You know, it is funny how I don't take it out on anyone when there this nothing to "take anything out" about...hmmmm. Wow. There is truly perspective gained in writing!)
This all comes to mind because of something I have noticed in my children lately. Yesterday, it was Tova, my oldest. My amazing first-born that is now teaching me through sharing her experiences of being raised in our home: ways she feels about things we have done (mostly positive), ways she has reacted inside to things I have said or done at different ages...all done without resentment or blame. As I watch her (and shot less frustration or anger daggers at her innocent heart), I have seen her laugh more, have more confidence and reach out more to those around her in our home and in the community. Kel is no less responsive to my "sheathing of my eye-swords": my son who has sought to bury those very powerful tools of sensitivity that he has (probably because they have always been attacked!), is demonstrating a confidence and self-assurance and patience and peace in the home that amazes me day by day.
I used to see them watch me, carefully, to see if I would explode because of something spilling, something breaking, someone crying. I have recently seen how they draw back, protecting themselves or those around me, instinctively trying to not only help me by giving me space but also to save those who may suffer from the look.
Now, I am not trying to be hard on myself. This is simply something powerful that I have learned after asking the question: "What lack I yet?"...and I hope that others will learn from my experience about the power of our gaze.
When we look at others with a heart full of genuine love there is something amazing that happens both to ourselves and them.
Things still "go wrong." I still have times of huge emotional turmoil when Heaven help those around me (and I have learned that it is, fortunately). But having seen the tremendous difference how I react when things go wrong, as I remove my family from the blame that they do not deserve, I find it boils over faster and I have less garbage to clean up afterward...less souls to try and reach out and mend, which would normally compound my feelings of anger towards myself that I would in turn lash out at others with...blegh! See? Crazy cycle.
It is never too late to start. I have seen my oldest two respond so quickly to this change in my behavior with confidence in themselves, increased love towards themselves and those around them and more patience with me, dear old Mom :). The Spirit has felt not very gentle in the reminding process but looking back and looking ahead, I needed that. A couple of weeks. Amazing experience.
It is funny. The only thing that I have really changed in all this is to try and genuinely see how my looks and words affect those around me. I have seen the hurt, the wonder, the pain and it hurts too much to be worth just "letting it all go." I still do, unfortunately, but I don't wallow in it like I used to, justifying my frustration or anger by their response.
There is a song that keeps coming to mind.
Maybe in some way I am doing as it says: receiving His image in my countenance. Sometimes, when I have been unable to speak to someone and yet feel like I must send them some message, I just try and look at them as Christ would, trying to shoot"love" and "approval" beams from my eyes. I realized the other day I don't do that so much with my kids. I have been only doing it for a week and have already noticed a difference. When they are studying, when they are playing, when they are sleeping, I shoot love beams at them with my eyes and it is oh so fun to see them turn and catch you shooting pure love at them!
This love is definitely not from me. It is a gift from Christ, a gift that I have prayed "with all the energy of my heart" for and which all can receive. As Alma stated (in chapter 26 of the Book of Mormon):
11 But Ammon said unto him: I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.
12 Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever...
35 Now have we not reason to rejoice? Yea, I say unto you, there never were men (or women!) that had so great reason to rejoice as we, since the world began; yea, and my joy is carried away, even unto boasting in my God; for he has all power,all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being, even unto salvation, to those who will repent and believe on his name.
36 Now if this is boasting, even so will I boast; for this is my life and my light, my joy and my salvation, and my redemption from everlasting wo.
****************
Closing ah-hah: I like to put images in my blog. I like art. I like pictures. I looked up "person glaring" to put in the first part of this post and as I looked just briefly at the page of people glaring at me, my heart was filled with darkness. I felt overwhelmed and even as I started writing this section, I started crying. How many times have I filled my gaze with the frustration and disappointment that I was feeling with a child or person at them!! How it must have hurt!!!
It is amazing how as I am seeking to let the Spirit teach my children more deeply how they need to change, using a few words of correction and just walking away (instead of following up my lecture with the gaze of disapproval, the gaze of death) has made a difference in their ability to accept reproof! I used to level the "feel the weight of my disapproval" look at them, filling my gaze with all the disappointment, frustration and admonishment that I felt was not getting through with words. To think of those precious little ones getting that hateful gaze! Oh, thank goodness for the Atonement and the healing that starts instantly and today!!
Okay,...I haven't always felt this way. In fact, I would rather surround myself with cheerleaders and have tended to gravitate to people who do just that:
--validate me
--sympathize with me
--support me
There is nothing wrong with this...at first.
So if [a person] is wise he will often pray to be delivered from his friends, because they will ruin him.
What?! Yes, this idea made me sit up and read more deeply. Here is the context of that statement:
A good statesman, like any other sensible
human being, always learns more from his opponents than from his fervent
supporters. For his supporters will push him to disaster unless his opponents
show him where the dangers are. So if he is wise he will often pray to be
delivered from his friends, because they will ruin him. But, though it hurts,
he ought also to pray never to be left without opponents; for they keep him
on the path of reason and good sense.
As always happens when I run across any new or different idea, my mind sets to work to come up with proof or opposition of this idea (exhausting, right?). Is this really true? I wondered. Immediately the example of Christ's seemingly harsh words to Peter came to mind: Get thee behind me, Satan. Ouch.
So why did Christ do this? I wondered about this the other day when we watched the above video for devotional but I think I am beginning to understand. Remember what Lippman said?
A good statesman, like any other sensible human being, always learns more from his opponents than from his fervent supporters. For his supporters will push him to disaster unless his opponents show him where the dangers are.
Of course, Peter didn't intend to do this. He loved the Lord and couldn't see why He would choose to talk about such a morbid death. We all have people like that and desire people like that to be around us. This is well and good. We do need people to love and support us...or do we? Or do we just desire it? Christ was left alone in his final moments. He welcomed his disciples, talked to and taught them. However, He did not let Himself be defined by them and their support or worship.
I love this!!! This very article is a case in point of why we need opposition! I read an article that challenged what I believe and it is helping to refine and clarify my beliefs.
Now I don't believe the invitation is now open to be hostile and antagonistic. I am talking about respecting the genuine "opposition" in other people's differences that we face in the media, in church and in our homes. I am not talking about those who seek out arguments, just for the sake of being, again, hostile and antagonistic. Christ admonishes us to agree quickly while we are in the way with people, to be reconciled. However, He doesn't repudiate and shun people just because he disagrees with them. He engages them in genuine discussion, respectful and thoughtful.
Can we do this? Lippman challenges us:
It is all very well to say with Voltaire, “I wholly disapprove of what you say,
but will defend to the death your right to say it,” but as a matter of fact most
men will not defend to the death the rights of other men: if they disapprove
sufficiently what other men say, they will somehow suppress those men if
they can.
Those of us who have sought a life without opposition can say we share this tendency with dictators:
On the walls of the houses of Italian peasants one may see inscribed in large
letters the legend, “Mussolini is always right.” But if that legend is taken
seriously by Italian ambassadors, by the Italian General Staff, and by the
Ministry of Finance, then all one can say is heaven help Mussolini, heaven
help Italy, and the new Emperor of Ethiopia.
For at some point, even in a totalitarian state, it is indispensable that there
should exist the freedom of opinion which causes opposing opinions to be
debated. As time goes on, that is less and less easy under a despotism;
critical discussion disappears as the internal opposition is liquidated in
favor of men who think and feel alike. That is why the early successes of
despots, of Napoleon I and of Napoleon III, have usually been followed by
an irreparable mistake. For in listening only to his "yes" men—the others being in exile or in concentration camps, or terrified—the despot shuts himself off
from the truth that no man can dispense with.
Abraham Lincoln recognized this in organizing his "Team of Rivals," a cabinet for his presidency made up of his political opponents. He listened to them, debated this them, learned from them and then decided. What strength! Lincoln recognized that it was more than his self-esteem at stake...it was the well-being of a nation. And he selflessly did all he could to make sure he was making the best decisions possible.
We must insist that free oratory is only the beginning of free speech; it is not
the end, but a means to an end. The end is to find the truth. The practical
justification of civil liberty is not that self-expression is one of the rights of
man. It is that the examination of opinion is one of the necessities of man.
I am reading about the 1900's and the elections that happened at that point. It is amazing to me how much elections (like our current one) and the opposition that occurs within this process helps people determine for themselves what they believe and what they support, what they like and what they don't. Even if the man or woman they put into office doesn't represent 100% of what they believe, they learn more clearly what they do 100% believe and how their candidate or the opposition differs.
Valuable process? Immensely.
Does this right to freedom of speech happen simply because we are noble and tolerant? How do we approach this opposition? Indulgent? Patient? Enduring? I really like a point that Lippman makes is this:
We take, it seems to me, a naively self-righteous
view when we argue as if the right of our opponents to speak
were something that we protect because we are magnanimous, noble, and
unselfish. The compelling reason why... is that we must protect the
right of our opponents to speak because we must hear what they have to
say.
I love his next examples!
We miss the whole point when we imagine that we tolerate the freedom of
our political opponents as we tolerate a howling baby door, as we put up with
the blasts from our neighbor’s radio because we are too peaceable to heave a brick through the window. If this were all there is to freedom of opinion,* that
we are too good-natured or too timid to do anything about our opponents
and our critics except to let them talk,* it would be difficult to say whether we
are tolerant because we are magnanimous or because we are lazy, because
we have strong principles or because we lack serious convictions, whether
we have the hospitality of an inquiring mind or the indifference of an empty
mind.
We are much closer to the essence of the matter when we go to the doctor and pay him to ask us the most
embarrassing questions and to prescribe the most disagreeable diet. When
we pay the doctor to exercise complete freedom of speech about the cause
and cure of our stomachache, we do not look upon ourselves as tolerant and
magnanimous, and worthy to be admired by ourselves. We have enough
common sense to know that if we threaten to put the doctor in jail because
we do not like the diagnosis and the prescription it will be unpleasant for
the doctor, to be sure, but equally unpleasant for our own stomachache.
That is why even the most ferocious dictator would rather be treated by a
doctor who was free to think and speak the truth than by his own Minister
of Propaganda. For there is a point, the point at which things really matter,
where the freedom of others is no longer a question of their right but of our
own need.
I love, love, love this! I have been one of those "patient, noble" sufferers, whether it be the opposition of others or even the adversity in my own life! All of a sudden, all those "trials," all those "problems," all those "conflicts," that come up each day take on new light and meaning! Why did Paul relish his trials? Because they refined him and helped him arrive at beautiful truth.
Oh how much we need this beautiful, indispensable opposition! Whether it is the resistance of the weights in strengthening muscles or the resistance to food or anger addictions that strengthen the soul, I all of a sudden find why I should not be a "tragic martyr" when my life seems to "not be going 'right'," whatever "right" means. All of a sudden, my adversity and trials become something that help me arrive at truth, shape my mind, shape my soul. To approach it in this clinical mindset will definitely not make the trials less real, but perhaps it will help my reaction be a little less emotional. (That would help immensely!!)
Is the objective of our life to have the biggest fan club, the biggest cheering section, the most followers on facebook? It is a very real yearning--to be loved, supported, acknowledged, validated. I have felt this way most of my life...seeking outward validation of what I do and who I am.
However, I am learning more and more (through this "indispensable opposition" I experience) that I desire truth, even if it means talking "across party lines" or in the face of bigotism and tradition--especially my own. I embrace tradition...where it is wholesome and good. I don't go out of my way to challenge viewpoints, because I don't feel that having a combative mentality is seeking for truth either. The genuine seeker of truth respects others and cherishes the truths they have found. There is nothing hostile or aggressive in this mindset. Neither does someone with this objective embrace all opinions as valid. They weigh, consider and draw conclusions from all they sees, seeking the beautiful truth in good sources, recognizing dribble and nonsense more and more during their quest for wisdom. I love the peace that I find when the Holy Ghost, the prophets and the scriptures validate truth and refine me. But hopefully, I will now be more open and receptive to the truth that comes through opposition.
The unexamined life, said Socrates, is unfit to be lived by man. This is the
virtue of liberty, and the ground on which we may best justify our belief in it,
that it tolerates error in order to serve the truth. When men are brought face
to face with their opponents, forced to listen and learn and mend their ideas,
they cease to be children and savages and begin to live like civilized men.
It's funny how sometimes--just to prevent something undesirable from happening--we do something worse.
Now let's fill in those pronouns.
It's funny how every day--just to prevent a dirty kitchen floor (broken window, dirty bathroom, etc.) from happening--I yell at my kids.
Yelling.
What comes to mind when I think that word...
Verbal arrows, hurt, anger, offense, jumping to conclusions, assumptions, regret.
A soft answer turneth away wrath.
I had a beautiful conversation with my daughter Tova the other day. I have been pretty hard on one of my other kids over the years. It seems that whenever I correct them, no matter how loving, they seem to clam up and get this "stone face" that drives me absolutely nuts! Here I am, trying to help them and they put on their stone face and even tune me out a bit! I mean, what kind of disrespect is that?!
Feel the heat of those last thoughts? I am sure this child felt it too, every time I defaulted to this heat when they would respond in such a non-responsive way to correction. Correction is going to happen in parenting. I am not going to say "this kitchen is done" when there is still gunk all over. I struggled with my frustration and we all knew it. Yelling, anger. It just felt like I wasn't getting the message across any other way! (But was I even getting it across? That was in itself a frustration!)
Back to the beautiful conversation. I could recognize that this pattern was destructive to this child and to the environment in our home.
If the adversary can influence us to pick on each other, to find fault, bash, and undermine, to judge or humiliate or taunt, half his battle is won. Why? Because though this sort of conduct may not equate with succumbing to grievous sin, it nevertheless neutralizes us spiritually. The Spirit of the Lord cannot dwell where there is bickering, judging, contention, or any kind of bashing.--Marvin J. Ashton
I asked for help. I plead with some of my other children to help me stop myself before I got frustrated when this happened, seeing the light in my other child going out little by little. After one particular recurrence on a Sunday morning with this child, I ranted to Tova, "But they are just so frustrating! It is like they don't even care that they are doing something wrong...that they are not even listening!"
She listened thoughtfully as she always does and we continued to get ready for church. Later, she leaned over just before the Sacrament and whispered, "You know, mom, when I was their age, when you would correct me, I would be very mad at myself for doing something wrong. I didn't want to show that anger, that frustration to you and so I would try and hide it. I would be working so hard to try and hide it and deal with that anger at myself that I wouldn't hear everything you were saying. Maybe that is happening with this child."
Ouch. Yes. They were hearing me. In fact, they were probably being harder on themselves than I wanted them to be...and in my misunderstanding, I was actually driving in this self-hatred by my own frustration, disappointment and anger.
If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.--ibid
I went to a class last Saturday evening and the woman spoke about families: how being in a family is just hard. There are highs, but there are also the lows. "The trick," the teacher commented, "is to take advantage of the highs to help us make it through the lows."
I thought, "How can you accept the 'lows' though?" I equated the "lows" with "mommy losing her temper or saying something harsh."
The things you say, the tone of your voice, the anger or calm of your words—these things are noticed by your children and by others. They see and learn both the kind and the unkind things we say or do. Nothing exposes our true selves more than how we treat one another in the home.
As I pondered more, I realized that the real lows that we just have to endure are things like dirty laundry, unfinished dishes, dirty rooms. Those are "lows" that don't leave permanent damage like the harsh and hurtful words I was using to prevent those situations.
Does that mean I don't address those issues? Not at all. I deeply believe and acknowledge that cleanliness truly is next to godliness. However, the end does not justify the means. Battle scars left on the soul is not an acceptable price for a clean kitchen. Not in my book. Not anymore.
I am so grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ that heals the victims of my imperfection. I am so grateful for the Spirit that testifies of truth and the inspiration of speakers and presenters at meetings put on my church leaders for my best interest. I know that I can start today and healing can happen today.
Below is an article that I came across. It paralleled what we read tonight in Alma, when the Lamanites defied reason, knelt before their enemies, and while some were killed, more were converted. Was it worth it? Those in the situation seemed to think so.
I have seen this "other way," this gentle road beautifully unfold after years of taking the angry, harsh, "quick-fix" response to situations. I think I have underestimated the power of silence, the silence that allows that voice in the soul to correct and fix what all my words have done nothing for over the years. Fewer words. Less anger. More patience. More understanding. Still seeking but I, for one, am starting to see more and more that laying down my weapons of war for peace may not only be the "higher road" but the only road.
Sometimes, often really, things break – irreparably. And it takes your breath away… straight away.
It took my breath away when my son stormed into the bathroom, frustrated, angry, fed-up for his very own, very significant to him, reasons. And when he chose to SLAM the bathroom door, causing the heavy mirror mounted to the front to slip out of the hardware holding it in place and crash onto the floor – a million, BROKEN pieces were left reflecting the afternoon light.
I was quiet. I surveyed the damage and took a deep breath. Put the dog outside so he wouldn’t cut his feet, put the cat in the basement for the same reason.
I walked into the backyard and felt the hot tears streaming down my face. It’s amazing how alone you can feel as a single parent in moments like these. I realized how scared and disappointed I felt. Did this really just happen? Yes. This was real.
And as I stood and considered whether or not this was an indication of his developing character, I heard his tears through the window above me, coming from inside the bathroom.
His soul hurt. This was not what he expected either. Hello, Anger – I don’t remember inviting you into my house.
Scary.
Terrified.
Ashamed.
Worried.
Scared.
Deep breath, #MamaWarrior. Deep breath. That small, fragile soul needs you right now. He needs your very best. Your biggest compassion. Your most gentle and firm mama love and reassurance. More deep breaths. Go Mama.
Go. Go now. Go open the front door, tiptoe through the broken glass, hear him hearing you coming, watch the bathroom door crack open, see the face you love most in the world red with worry and wet with tears, his voice is suddenly so small: “Mama, I’ll never do it again, I am SO sorry.” More tears. More weeping. Such uncertainty on his sweet face.
Go Mama. Get him. Go now. Scoop him into your lap. Yup, you’re crying too. Hold him tight. Watch how he curls into a ball in your arms so quickly. See how eager he is to be loved by you. To be reassured by you. See how small he still is. See how fragile that spirit is.
I love you.
You are safe.
I am right here.
The worst part is over now.
I’ve got you.
I’m here.
I love you.
Go Mama. Tell him about Anger. Tell him now. Anger is a really powerful feeling. You have a right to your Anger. Anger burns hot. It can purify. It can also destroy. He nods. He feels it. He’s met Anger now.
There’s a better way to show your big feelings.
We’ll work on it together… tomorrow.
I’m here to help you.
You are safe.
You are never alone in your anger.
You are never alone in your fears.
I’m here. We’re here together.
Now we will clean together.
And we cleaned up the broken pieces. We swept and we vacuumed. It was quiet work. It was careful work. It was thoughtful work.
Sometimes things break. Sometimes we break them. It’s not the breaking that matters, the how or why. What matters is how we choose to respond to the broken-ness. Does it kill us? Does it throw us into a downward spiral of blame and punishment?
OR
Does it help us remember how to love deepest? Does it push us towards compassion and over the hurdle of “rightness” and “wrongness” into LOVENESS?
Yes. LOVENESS.
Go Mama. Go now. Get that baby of yours. Teach that. Show that. Live that. It’s called LOVENESS. Go. Now.
A few weeks ago I was really struggling, battling inner issues that I have been dealing with for a while. Years, really. I think I shared in a recent post how I had seen my friend share her own bitterness with me, her disappointment in very valid and justifiable hurts from those who should have loved her best. I saw her hurt and prayed that the healing of Christ would pour into her. "Will she let it in?" I wondered, seeing her anguish and aching for her.
Then the Spirit whispered, "Do you not look the same to others? Will you let Him in?"
I looked at two paths to take action, wanting this bitterness to leave me. One seemed to make sense: tell those who you felt wronged by what they had done and, as this suffering friend counseled, "give them the opportunity to repent."
The other path was presented in the beautiful imagery a friend shared with me a few days later: take all the darkness, the bitterness, and wrap it up in a package in your mind's eye. Wrap it with paper, beautiful paper, and the picture yourself giving it to Christ. "I'm a visual person," my friend said. "It worked for me."
I think we all have things we struggle with, people who have hurt or are hurting us, and sometimes there seems no end in sight. It can be an isolated incident years ago or ongoing struggles, physically and emotionally. I encourage you to take the second path.
Maybe there are those out there who, like me, feel like they want to make a choice to get rid of it, to move on, and just don't know how. The visualization above was a very powerful process for me and was surprisingly simple, gentle and effective.
Sometimes, poetry is the best way to capture something like this, something that defies rhyming and meter. So this is what I wrote. My heart glories in my God and the miracle of Christ's Atonement!
The Dark Gift
The war is waging.
I am losing.
Words trigger emotions...feelings...
"unnoticed"
"unwanted"
"unworthy"
Bitterness, my poisonous friend
stirring chaos.
Help me, please.
Shut out the hurt.
Effort!
Trapped within these walls of my own making.
So deadly,
So strong.
A light.
A hope.
An improbable healing.
"Look within!"
Pierce the confusing gloom,
Seek every corner
Extract the bitterness within.
Build a box carefully within my mind,
My soul.
First one side,
Then the other.
Deceptively frail...and then...
I pour my darkness into the box
Filling it impossibly
Darkness and swirling shadow
Forced within this box.
I look around my inner realm.
Silence.
Whiteness.
Peace.
Freedom.
I hold this box in front of my mind's eye,
Carefully wrapping it in
Beautiful, shimmering paper
A large golden bow
Gracefully tying it together.
The beauty serves sharp contrast
To its dark and hurtful contents.
"Now, imagine Him coming to you."
The echoes of my friend's counsel drifts in my head.
