Parenting Lesson #3

Wow.  The Lord keeps using my experiences as a parent to teach me more about myself!!  Here was another "doozy" from yesterday:

#3 Be Grateful
Yesterday one of my children was upset.  Very upset.

I had given them a job and they hadn't understood the full job until that moment.

Now, I had anticipated this.  I had anticipated that the child's reaction to dishes (the said job) would be abject despair (complete and total).  So, before reminding the child about their job I had done a quick wash on about 10 of the bigger yet easier dishes before preparing to go and help a different child who I intended to help with something else.

It will soften the blow, I thought.

Nope.

I gently pointed out to the child, with a happy little note in my voice, "Look!  See?  I already did all these to make it a little easier :)."

Same despair.

I was a little frustrated and I examined my reaction.  Why?  Wasn't helping and serving the right thing to do, regardless of my child's reaction?  Yes.  But their reaction created another one of those "learn about Heavenly Father through parenting" moments:

Lesson:. If God does help us (and I know He does) and we don't recognize it, how much of a sign of love are we letting it be? Is the love felt?  I mean, I could see my child felt no awareness of how my actions had helped them...how I was trying to love them.  They had a job to do (part of living here) and I wanted to make it as easy as possible and all they could do was whine about it.

Can you see the parallel?

We are here on earth "to prepare to meet God and perform our labors."  He sees that we need to do these jobs, these labors for many reasons, but it is mostly for our learning and growth.  That is how I feel about jobs around the house.  Learning and growth, discipline and skills.  That is why when they seem to have mastered these lessons, I allow them to immerse themselves more in study...although they always maintain some ownership in keeping things running smoothly.  It creates a servant heart and a connection with those around us.

Wow.  More and more connections!!

As we serve on this earth in our labors, we are never "done."  Even though we may have "mastered the lessons": do a great job visiting teaching, go to church every week, etc., etc. we still need to have connections with those around us and love them...a love that is purely manifested in service to them, which blesses the receiver as well but so much more the given.

So, back to the sink, as I sat there and felt those perplexing feelings of "was what I did a waste of time then?" (and the answer was  "no" because it is still the right thing to serve whether they receive it or not) I realized that not only did I want to serve them, but I wanted them to feel my love through the actions...and they hadn't.

It was in that moment that I believe I had a glimpse of what God was saying when he said,

"Always return thanks to God."

It is not for Him.  It is in the acknowledgement of His hand that we see His love for us.

He wants to love us and cannot do it in a way that spoils us, or takes away our learning.  But He can and will make the test as easy as possible.  But if all we do is whine or, as my child did, look in abject despair at the job that lies before us and not how He has made it as easy as possible, perhaps his wrath is kindled...just a bit?

D&C 59:21-And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things and obey not his commandments.

A further clarifying scripture reinforced this concept: that we must show gratitude if we are to see God's hand around us and be happy.

"I, the Lord, am willing...he shall receive this blessing, if he receive it from the hand of the Lord with a thankful heart in all things." D&C 62:7

Men are that they might have joy

Maybe that "might" just is a matter of turning to the side and seeing what God has already done for us to make our jobs easier...just like my child could have turned to see that the pile of dripping wet dishes was larger than what he had before him to do.  Yes, the job needs to be done.  And yes, we need to learn how to do it.  But being grateful just might put things in perspective and give us that joy that we are all seeking.

As Aristotle said, the pursuit of happiness is the object behind all our actions.  Maybe it is closer than we think. And I think I just caught a glimpse of how much of that happiness is in our choice to look at what God has already done rather than crumple into a cute little ball of self-pity as we look at the task* before us.

***************
*sample tasks I have before me:
-forgiving
-healing relationships
-visiting teaching
-service in home
-being happy :)
-learning obedience
-fixing up this house
-sometimes, just waking up :)

Gratitude, healing and farewells

I really don't know where to start.  It has been so long and so much has happened.

However, I feel I need to express the gratitude in my heart for the many lives that have touched mine and continue to bless me.  As we prepare to move to New York, I have had the chance to spend some meaningful times with many of the people that make my life beautiful, that have inspired me throughout the years through their words and lives and some who continue to serve me and my family.

This has been particularly meaningful due to some recent experiences I have had, which I would like to share to preface my gratitude....

I went through a time in the past year where I felt people pull back in a period of my life where I felt I needed them the most.  I have spent a great deal of time over the months since then evaluating what my expectations are, what my part is, and how to move on and have healthy relationships with them.  These are people that I love, relationships I cherish...which is why it hurt all the more.  Whether the pulling back was real or imagined, the feelings I had were deep and real and needed to be addressed and dealt with for me to seek resolution and peace in moving forward...for I believe that relationships grow or die depending upon how we treat them.  And I knew the choice was mine...as "victim" as I felt.


I sought my ownership in these situations, knowing that my initial decision to just pull back and distance myself from them was not the answer. I had some people tell me that, in order to protect myself, perhaps I should just throw up walls and have a more casual interaction with them.  This did not feel right for my particular situation, as appreciated as their love and advice was for me.

I felt like I forgave these people mentally, knowing we are all human, but felt unable to move forward with love towards them.  Why...when it seemed pointless? It was as if it didn't feel like they loved me enough back to deserve the time and energy it took to give them my love and attention....crazy, but that was where I was at.

It was a selfish, dark, and most likely untrue place to be, but it was the reality of my thoughts and I felt stuck.  I knew I needed to change, but was unsure how much God expected of me or wanted of me.   It just seemed unfair.

It was not an easy process.  God never let me feel validated or content in my self-pity or perceived offenses.  During one particular Sacrament service, as I prayerfully sought for comfort and direction in the quiet moments my kids allowed me, I had a distinct answer: "It is not your love you are withholding from them, but Mine.  Charity, the pure love of Christ, is the love that you need to give them, the love that they need, the only love that truly lasts, and by withholding your loving actions and outreachings from them, you are sinning by withholding My love that they need to feel through you.  You are in the wrong, my child."  Like I said, it has not been an easy time.

However, in the process I have learned so much, much like the beautiful analogy I heard in Sunday School today of the moth.  An Imperialis moth struggles intensely to emerge from its cocoon to emerge as one of the most beautiful moths in the world.  A sympathetic biologist, watching the struggles of one such moth, sought to ease the transition by helping it out of the cocoon.  What emerged was malformed and unable to fly.  As he studied this magnificent creature more, he learned that it was in the process of the struggle that the moth's body was strengthened to enable it to emerge ready to fly.  We, too, need struggles to emerge.

One of the most important lessons I learned in this process was through a story shared from the Bible in the book "The Peacegiver" by Farrell.  I found an article that summarizes the story well:

Abigail: Life-Changing Symbol
I’ve read and heard the Old Testament story of Abigail’s offering to David many times over the years. (See 1 Samuel 25.) Still, I’d totally missed the deeper meaning that James L. Ferrell pointed out in his book The Peacegiver. You remember the story: David, who had recently done a great service to Nabal by securing his flocks, sent some of his men to request sustenance. Nabal “rails on them” and turns them away. David and his men, seething at the injustice, determine to march against his household and slay all the males. Abigail, Nabal’s wife, becomes privy to the plot, gathers great stores of food, and hastens to intervene. She approaches David, offering to make up for her husband’s affront to the men.
I always thought Abigail was being a really brave and loving wife to intercede with David in hopes of securing her husband’s safety. But there is so much more to it than that. Ferrell explains the symbolism as Abigail kneels before David and his men, and says, “Upon me let this iniquity be,” offering, as Christ does, to take another’s sin upon herself and, in her case, atone for it by offering many times the goods David had requested of her husband. But here is the kicker: Abigail’s concern is not only to save her husband and the men of her household, but to save David from doing this great wrong, to keep his previously unsullied soul safe. She said, “Please accept of my offering, that this shall be no grief unto thee.”
Inexplicably, she says, “forgive my trespass,” claiming the sin as her own. Abigail asked David’s forgiveness not because she needed it (she, like Jesus, had done nothing wrong) but because David needed to forgive instead of multiplying Nabal’s sin with his own. Through her merciful act Abigail created the most forgiveness-friendly environment possible. She offered to compensate for the sin David was raging against, full measure, running over-much more than he had originally asked for.

As Abigail Did for David, So Jesus Does for Us
Farrell explains that Jesus does the same with us in every situation where we are wronged by another; thus Abigail is the perfect “type” of the Savior’s merciful dealings with his children. 

 
There is a beautiful excerpt of the book quoted here that is quite lengthy and analyzes the situation perfectly, but in my own words, Abigail came out to pay the price that David demanded be paid.  David, at first, wanted Nabal to pay it...for wasn't that "fair"?  But Abigail paid the price in full, offering it to David.  Was it right for David to demand more?  If all that he desired was before him, was it right for David to demand it was Nabal that paid it?

I saw clearly in my mind that that Savior is offering me all the love, nurturing, friendship and support that I desire...and more, in fact.  Just because it is not coming from the people that I felt should be giving it to me, fully aware mentally that perhaps they were not able to at that time because of one thing or another, was it right for me to demand more?  Could I look the Savior in the eye and say, "What you are giving me is just not good enough"?  He has paid the price for any sin, perceived or real, that others may do to me and offers everything I need and more if I will but accept it...just as David had the choice to accept Abigail's offering.  If I didn't, just as would have happened if David had moved forward to extract "justice" from Nabal, I would have the sins of vengeance and unrighteously-enacted "justice" upon my own head.

After reading this story, each time I would feel those negative ugly "justified" feelings, I would see this story in my mind, with the Savior reaching out, offering me the peace, support and love I craved and see my own part in accepting or rejecting his sacrifice.  Who was I to demand more than the incredible price He has already paid?  The peace that came was incredible and inexplicable...much like at the time of my dear Isaak's death: truly a peace that surpasseth understanding.

In the days and weeks that have followed that experience I have felt peace and a renewed ability to love and open myself up again. I have been blessed by the Savior's offering as he blesses us so often--through the actions and words of others :).  I have had lunches, phone calls, service rendered, conversations and emails, filling my cup to capacity and more.  To feel the contrast with the time when I felt so alone has truly helped me appreciate the dear friendships I have...the Savior's offering to my broken, lonely heart.

I have seen my own pride, my own imperfections, my own false judgment laid bare and have sought repentence and perspective to not retrace those mental tracks that were so lonely.  I have not been the martyr.  I have not been the victim.  For whatever reason, it was a time for me to emerge from the chrysallis of judgment, of bitterness to fly above my previous mental state.  It was time for me to realize yet another aspect of Christ's infinite and powerful atonement and how it can truly allow Him to take my burden upon Him and for mine to feel light.

Since then, in these recent interactions with friends and family, I have been blessed to be able to reflect on the many beautiful and wonderful people that have been a part of my life.  I feel it is a time of temporary farewell, but more permanent than when we went to Hungary.  My heart swells with love as I see so many imperfect wonderful people reaching out to, loving and serving imperfect me...in spite of my own short-comings and ways I have surely offended them.

During this time between when we have sold our house here in Utah and are ready to get into our house in New York, we have been blessed to stay with my parents, with Quinn's parents, are now staying in the basement of a dear friend while her family is on vacation (brave soul!), and will then go to visit another dear friend in time to give birth to the newest member of our family.  We have had so many random and planned meetings with good people that I feel more complete in our saying "farewell for now" to our time here.  I thought the saying below particularly appropriate:

Oh, how much I appreciate these dear people as part of Christ's offering to heal me.

Looking for God's hand

I had heard about Henry B. Eyring's experience with his journaling about God's hand over the years. I found an old journal on my shelf the other day, and felt inspired to start my own.  Now, whether on my "singing bees" blog or in there, I seek to record daily ways I have seen the hand of God.  I haven't missed a day, but it is amazing how freeing it is to know I can just write down one or two things and then crash.

This process has also been a calming and powerful influence to my soul.  It seems counter-intuitive, defies logic, and just genuinely baffling that something as simple as writing down a sentence or two can bring such peace, but I have found this true of most of God's ways:

 "8 ¶For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

 9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55

Excerpts from Elder Eyring: "When our children were very small, I started to write down a few things about what happened every day. Let me tell you how that got started. I came home late from a Church assignment. It was after dark. My father-in-law, who lived near us, surprised me as I walked toward the front door of my house. He was carrying a load of pipes over his shoulder, walking very fast and dressed in his work clothes. I knew that he had been building a system to pump water from a stream below us up to our property.

"He smiled, spoke softly, and then rushed past me into the darkness to go on with his work. I took a few steps toward the house, thinking of what he was doing for us, and just as I got to the door, I heard in my mind—not in my own voice—these words: “I’m not giving you these experiences for yourself. Write them down.”

"I went inside. I didn’t go to bed. Although I was tired, I took out some paper and began to write. And as I did, I understood the message I had heard in my mind. I was supposed to record for my children to read, someday in the future, how I had seen the hand of God blessing our family. Grandpa didn’t have to do what he was doing for us. He could have had someone else do it or not have done it at all. But he was serving us, his family, in the way covenant disciples of Jesus Christ always do. I knew that was true. And so I wrote it down, so that my children could have the memory someday when they would need it.

"I wrote down a few lines every day for years. I never missed a day no matter how tired I was or how early I would have to start the next day. Before I would write, I would ponder this question: “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?” As I kept at it, something began to happen. As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day. As that happened, and it happened often, I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done.

"More than gratitude began to grow in my heart. Testimony grew. I became ever more certain that our Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. I felt more gratitude for the softening and refining that come because of the Atonement of the Savior Jesus Christ. And I grew more confident that the Holy Ghost can bring all things to our remembrance—even things we did not notice or pay attention to when they happened.

"The years have gone by. My boys are grown men. And now and then one of them will surprise me by saying, “Dad, I was reading in my copy of the journal about when …” and then he will tell me about how reading of what happened long ago helped him notice something God had done in his day.

My point is to urge you to find ways to recognize and remember God’s kindness. It will build our testimonies. You may not keep a journal. You may not share whatever record you keep with those you love and serve. But you and they will be blessed as you remember what the Lord has done. You remember that song we sometimes sing: “Count your many blessings; name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.”

^{Here is a link to the full talk on LDS.org: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/o-remember-remember?lang=eng}

How to take a little time to add time to your life...

I try to read an ensign article or words of the prophets daily to keep my soul and heart in harmony with truth...at least for a few moments :).   Today, I opened up to the most recent First Presidency message by Elder Eyring in the Ensign called "Recognize, Remember, and Give Thanks." ("Felismerés, emlékezés és hálaadás")  These are normally pretty short, and are the words of men we recognize as inspired with God's message for us in these latter-days...I figure I should keep up to speed :).

A phrase caught my heart this morning: "It is easy for us to become mechanical in our prayers of gratitude, often repeating the same words but without the intent to give our thanks as a gift of the heart to God."  "Guilty as charged," I ruefully thought.  "Mechanical" describes my prayers all too often :S!  But I had never thought of giving our thanks as a "gift of the heart to God."

The Holy Ghost brings back memories of what God has taught us. And one of the ways God teaches us is with His blessings; and so, if we choose to exercise faith, the Holy Ghost will bring God’s kindnesses to our remembrance.

You could test that in prayer today. You could follow the command “Thou shalt thank the Lord thy God in all things” (D&C 59:7).

I tried it...it was amazing.  It was like my mind jumped from blessing to blessing and I felt my heart get lighter and lighter.

 You could try [expressing gratitude] as you write an entry in your journal. The Holy Ghost has helped people with that since the beginning of time. You remember that the book of Moses says, “And a book of remembrance was kept, in the which was recorded, in the language of Adam, for it was given unto as many as called upon God to write by the spirit of inspiration” (Moses 6:5).

President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985) described that process of inspired writing: “Those who keep a book of remembrance are more likely to keep the Lord in remembrance in their daily lives. Journals are a way of counting our blessings and of leaving an inventory of these blessings for our posterity.”²

As you start to write, you could ask yourself, “How did God bless me and those I love today?” If you do that often enough and with faith, you will find yourself remembering blessings. And sometimes you will have gifts brought to your mind that you failed to notice during the day but that you will then know were a touch of God’s hand in your life.

I pray that we may make a continuing effort in faith to recognize, remember, and give thanks for what our Heavenly Father and our Savior have done and are doing to open the way home to Them.

I don't believe that doing this takes time out of our lives...I believe it gives time back to us.  It takes away from us the time-consuming tendency to dwell on what we don't have, what is going wrong, and why things aren't working and gives us the perspective of what God is doing in our lives to make things possible.  It is powerful.  It is enabling...and it only takes a few moments :).

Moving

It's funny.

I have less than 10 days here left, and I still haven't really started packing.  I am moving 11 people overseas and I haven't started packing.   What is it that is making me drag my feet?  I love it here.  I love the peace I feel here.  I love the slower pace of life, I love the isolation that makes me crazy sometimes, but most of the time is a blanket of forgetfulness around me and my family.  I love the people.  Can I just say how much I love these people?  These good people that are true pioneers?  These good people that come to church, wrapped up in their own blankets of isolation, whom I wish I could wrap up in my arms and comfort, or find out more about who they are by listening and understanding them? Dear Zsuzsi, dearest Eva és Zita, Aniko és Orsi, Margit, Ilona, Gyongyi, Bobi, Nora, Sister Wiggins, Barbara,...sigh.  And that is just who are in my branch right here! They are all so dear.  I am so glad for facebook and that I can "see" and talk to so many of them that way still!

So, I think I will have to officially start packing.  This is nothing like the feeling that I had coming to Hungary.  Why is that? Maybe it is because I am not sure if I will ever come back?  Sigh again. The morning is beautiful.  Birds are singing.  The air is cool.  I will look on what to cherish. 

His Tender Soul

I came across this touching phrase while reading yesterday:

"What God requires is the devotion portrayed by Jesus, who was asked to drink a cup so bitter that it amazed even Him." (D. Todd Christofferson, Ensign 2013, pg 41)

 As I thought about this and discussed it with my parents, they had some neat insights.  My mom remembered reading that Jesus Christ felt guilt and remorse for the first time during the Atonement, so that He could suffer all things, ...and how that must have hurt His tender soul.

My dad pointed out that guilt is a real pain, a pain to the soul.  And much like physical pain to the body is a warning to stop doing what we are doing, guilt, too, is a warning to our souls--a warning to stop doing what we are doing.

It truly makes one think, and increases my appreciation for my Elder Brother and all that He has done for me so that He knows just how to succor me in all my pains and all my sorrows.

 

Voices in my head: guilt or cheerleader?

I have many voices in my head...and, no.  As far as I know, I am not certifiably insane :).

As I plan a meal, I may hear RaNae say, "My mom always taught me to have at least two color of vegetables at my meals."  As I set the table, I remember something Mommy Susan used to say about how her mother would set the table so beautifully. And then, as I serve up my plate, I may hear Shara say, "I don't understand why people don't just use the simple way to lose weight and be healthy and just eat normal, well-balanced portions of food."


When I look in the mirror, I often hear Tiffany say, "Mary, you have such lovely eyes!  Just a little touch of make-up here would set them off just perfectly!" :)*   When my kids start going crazy, I hear Ronell Gardner's words at a book club: "Whenever my kids are crazy, I know it is time to grab a pile of books, a couple of kids, and sit down and start snuggling and reading!  Soon, everyone is drawn in and I just keep reading until the mood changes.  Works every time!"

This is one of my favorites:  When I get too ideal and dreamy-eyed romantic with how perfect my life should be--if only I do everything "just" right--I hear my own dear Sister Rausch say, "Get real!" :)

My all-time favorite?  When the world seems against me, and I am discouraged because of what someone has said or done, I hear Quinn say, "Who is the most important person in the world to you?" (Him, of course :).) "And who loves you sooooooo much and thinks you're wonderful?" (Him, of course, again.) Then, spoken with that sly grin of his, "Then what else matters?"

...and the list goes on, and on, and on.

Sometimes, it is images that drift across my mind.  As I watch my two-year old struggle to control her little body, I remember the peaceful image of Julie tracing her little two-year old nephew's arm, while he stands by her side for along time.  As I clean my bathroom, I reflect on the cleanliness of the house of my dear Mom and Dad Biesinger, and the obvious peace and joy it brought them.

I love these people, these images and voices in my head...most of the time. :)   I didn't used to, so much.  I would remember all the awesome wonderful things that people would do and feel guilt.  Pure guilt.  I would beat myself up for not measuring up, every time, to their example or words.  Crazy and debilitating!!

How wrong is that!  Like my favorite saying goes:

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.... You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you... We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

 
So now, I try to look on these voices, these beautiful reminders of truths--that are lived, and not just spoken--by dear friends and family as PERSONAL CHEERLEADERS!!  I know these people, and I know that all of them would not wish for me to feel guilty because of their excellent examples in these areas.  They would know and understand how hard it is to live truths, and encourage and love me through my weaknesses.

To be afraid of others and their examples is to turn off the power of good that they can be in our lives!!!

LET IT SHINE.

**Thanks, Tiffany...my personal beauty consultant :).  A few years ago, when I felt I needed a mentor in the area of "being more feminine and beautiful," I turned to the most beautiful woman I know, and she agreed to help me :).  And she is beautiful inside and out!

The symphony that is my life...

Listen to this while you read :)...it's more fun that way.

 This morning, on the way to grocery shopping once again :), I was practicing my hungarian.  Every little bit helps, right?  As I did, I thought about my friend Rachel that I met here, who has been a blessing to me with her inspiration and advice about learning languages (she has quite the knack, after many, many years of dedicated study of languages). 

I thought, "What a blessing that our paths could cross, if even for just a short while."

That made me think about all the "little intersections" of my paths with the paths of others that have so blessed my life.  "It's like a symphony," I thought, "with all the little notes making it beautiful!" 

That got me thinking about how Heavenly Father is the conductor, and how amazing it is that He can guide and direct so many people in so many lives to be there right when they need them. I reflected on the many people that are the "notes" in the beautiful symphony that is my life and, on that beautiful misty morning walk, I gave thanks.



Some parts of my life are more like the fast movements; some are slower; and some, yes, are minor...and it made me smile thinking of how much I enjoy minor, melancholy music, but not minor, melancholy life  :).

And that got me thinking about a quote from Elder Uchtdorf at the last conference:

Doesn’t it seem foolish to spoil sweet and joyful experiences because we are constantly anticipating the moment when they will end?

Do we listen to beautiful music waiting for the final note to fade before we allow ourselves to truly enjoy it? No. We listen and connect to the variations of melody, rhythm, and harmony throughout the composition.

 Thank you, all you wonderful people, that make up the beautiful symphony that is my life...

The power of a life with vision and faith

I have been reading "The Real George Washington" with my older kids this month, and there are soooooo many amazing lessons to be learned in it: patriotism, courage, virtue, good government...the list could go on and on!

However, I think that my "take home message" was this:
The power of a life lived with vision and faith is incredible and long lasting.

Just think about it:
George Washington fought when outnumbered, persisted with what limited materials he had;
-was denied by Congress on numerous occasions when he asked for needed supplies and pay for his soldiers;
-was betrayed on numerous occasions by fellow soldiers and even friends;
-faced huge debts and ruin with a farm that was left unattended as he served in the army for long years of seemingly fruitless war;
-saw fellow generals betray him on the field--even disobeying direct orders;
-watched his two half-children die (and had none of his own!);
-left his wife and the comforts of his beloved Mount Vernon;
-lost more battles than he won;
-and watched the clothes rot off the backs of his starving soldiers during long winter months, as they lay down on the frozen, snow-covered ground with nothing to cover them!

And I thought I had problems!

Yet, through it all, he writes letter after letter filled with faith in God and the divine hand of Providence in the cause of the American people.  He speaks of his frustration and discouragement, but he keeps doing what he can with what he has, time and again, knowing it is the right thing to do.

I thought about how that applies to me:
-when the days are crazy and everything seems to be going wrong;
-when my imperfections seem to outweigh the good I am doing;
-when children, friends, or family say or do things that disappoint, discourage, or frustrate me;
-when my personal comforts are put on hold for others and it still seems to do no good...

...do I keep going with the attitude of Washington? "Yeah, this current situations stinks, but I know what I am doing is what God wants me to do, so I know that somehow, in the end, when all is said and done, His cause will be triumphant." 

So, here am I --no matter how ugly, dirty, or discouraging the process may look!-- re-committing to look to God's will from me in the everyday, in this year and the years to come, and then doing what I can and being okay with that.

I mean, look at what George Washington did and became!  He led a raw, inexperienced people on to defeat the most powerful empire in the world; he supported the collection of differing states coming together to enjoy an amazing experiment in democratic republic, and he reluctantly became the first president of this great country, defining this most critical role in a new government...all while fully aware of his deficiencies.

If we can just trust that we were put here, in this place and time to do what God needs us to do, as individuals and groups, think of what we, together with God, can accomplish!

The wonder that is your life...

My thoughts have dwelt a great deal upon the power of gratitude in any situation since we have come to Hungary.  For some reason, whenever my thoughts start drifting off into self-pity, it seems like most of the time a barrage of positive thoughts and reasons to be grateful.  (There are always the moments where I wallow, of course, but for the most part, it has been an interesting phenomenon.)

This thought has crossed with another thought I have had...the miracle and wonder that each life is!  As I look at the blogs of friends and family and ask about the lives of those I haven't been in touch with as much or don't hear from so much, I hear so often the same general statement: "Oh, you know.  The same thing pretty much every day."

It reminds me of a statement towards the beginning of the most recent Joseph Smith film ("Prophet of the Restoration"), made in the voice of his mother: "There is nothing remarkable about the early life of Joseph...we basically just lived."  My thought last time I watched it was: But what was that like?"

So often we fail to see the wonder of our lives...the lives we live every day.  We fail to see what makes it different, unique, and marvelous.

This morning, for devotional, we watched the following short clip on the Mormon channel, that went right along with this thought:

Thanksgiving Daily

I read a book, another personal classic that I brought, called "The Seven Wonders of Sassafrass Springs."  It is a beautifully written, relatively short youth fiction about a young boy obsessed with the wonders of the world.  His dream is to visit them...or at least something away from his little town of Sassafrass Springs.  His father challenges him to find seven wonders in Sassafrass Springs in 7 days, and promises that he will send his son to Colorado to visit a relative if he can.

The book unfolds wonderfully, as this young man discovers the wonder in the world around him.

I wish everyone could see the wonder that is their life.  I wish they would share it more, like all the women that I have spoken with over the years, encouraging them to share their testimonies, their lives, their personal experiences that seem mundane to them, but can be so uplifting, inspiring, and unique to others.

I think the first step to seeing the wonders that make up our daily, "mundane" existence is cultivating what President Monson calls "an attitude of gratitude."

After watching the above short clip, the Goob remembered another one, wherein random people on the streets of New York City share a variety of grateful responses to one simple question: What are you thankful for?  It is short, but full of sincerity, humor, and humanity...my favorite kind of thing!

In the Spirit of Thanksgiving

So do it!  Share the wonder that is your life with others!  Sometimes, it is through the sharing of something seemingly "un-wonderful" that you discover just how awesomely unique, special, and worth sharing your life is!

(Side note: I loved looking at the intensity of the people's eyes as they shared their feelings...wanting someone to really listen. So cool!)

Emotions and moving

I think I am at such a mixed state of emotions, that when people ask kindly "how are you?" I think a blank stare best fits how I feel :)...

Tired, emotionally imbalanced, at peace, nervous, uncertain, trusting, ready to cry, enjoying the moment, ready for the moment to pass so I can see what happens next, calculating, befuddled...

You name it: I am probably feeling or have felt it :).

Needless to say, sleep is sporadic, and, whenever I have a few minutes, I wander around, from suitcase to suitcase--rearranging and calculating--, room to room, aimlessly thinking I am doing something, but in reality not doing very much :).

This morning, driving away from dropping off dear Quinn at the airport, I started humming through hymns.  One I had looked up the other day was "When Faith Endures" and my garbled memory of the first verse went through my mind:

"I will not doubt.  I will not fear. God's love and strength are always near.  His promised gift helps me to find an inner strength and peace of mind.  I give my Father willingly, my trust, my prayers, humility.  Something, Something, and love assures that fear departs when faith endures."

As if turning the pages in the hymn book it went to another hymn near that section, "Where Can I Turn For Peace", with the first part of the third verse standing out:

"He answers privately, reaches my reaching...

"In my Gethsemane, Savior and friend."

This is no where near a Gethsemane experience.  In fact, I read over D&C 122 this morning and my many blessings were brought back to my mind.  Really, after reading the Lord's tender answer to an anguished prophet separated from his family and people, my humble gratitude for how easy and wonderful my life is overwhelmed me.  This section is worth reading again and again in its entirety :).  Such a great reminder of all we have to be grateful for.

1 The ends of the earth shall inquire after thy ^aname, and fools shall have thee in ^bderision, and hell shall rage against thee;

 2 While the pure in heart, and the wise, and the noble, and the virtuous, shall seek ^acounsel, and authority, and blessings constantly from under thy hand.

 3 And thy ^apeople shall never be turned against thee by the testimony of traitors.

 4 And although their influence shall cast thee into trouble, and into bars and walls, thou shalt be had in ^ahonor; and but for a small^bmoment and thy voice shall be more terrible in the midst of thine enemies than the fierce ^clion, because of thy righteousness; and thy God shall stand by thee forever and ever.

 5 If thou art called to pass through ^atribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in ^bperils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;

 6 If thou art ^aaccused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to ^bprison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like ^cwolves for the blood of the lamb;

 7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the ^apit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the ^bdeep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to ^chedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of ^dhell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee^eexperience, and shall be for thy good.

 8 The ^aSon of Man hath ^bdescended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

 9 Therefore, ^ahold on thy way, and the priesthood shall ^bremainwith thee; for their ^cbounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy ^ddaysare known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore,^efear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever

Here's a great mormon message that goes right along with it...the Parable of the Current Bush: http://www.lds.org/pages/mormon-messages?lang=eng#the-will-of-god

Quinn gave me a wonderful blessing before he left, using that wonderful priesthood that he is worthy of, and, among other things...well, first and foremost actually,...gave me a blessing of peace.  (Second in importance to that, in my mind, was that I would have a mind that was clear and active and that I would be able to keep track of all the kids :).)

It reminds me of the mormon message about a young man and a lightning strike while at football practice:

http://www.lds.org/pages/mormon-messages?lang=eng#sanctify-yourselves

Like that young man, Quinn was ready and worthy to administer to me, using God's mighty power.  The moment may not have seemed so powerful and dramatic, yet it was powerfully personal and poignant, and his worthiness made it possible.  Tender mercy. I will miss him, but am excited for what he will be getting ready while he is away!