I have been thinking a lot about agency.
I have time to do the things I choose to do. So what if I have to be selective? Isn't this the perfect test of how we use our agency? The one factor that God chooses not to control. Why do I not feel joy by choosing what I do?
So often I feel limited, controlled, powerless...but am I? Am I not choosing the associations that "require" things of me? And am I not the one that controls my expectations of the relationships?
Today I want to openly state that I want to recognize that whenever I do something, I am the one making the choice to do it and if I choose not to do something else, it is because that other thing is obviously not as important to me. If I chafe at not being able to do both, then perhaps I need to see and pray if there is another way to incorporate both.
But I am not a victim. I can choose and I can choose joy in the choosing, ironically enough ;).
When things spill, I can choose to stop reading a book, eating my own food or having a conversation to clean it up...or I can leave it uncleaned up until I finish what I am doing. I don't have to be angry because others around me may also choose to do the same.
I can choose to exercise and leave the possibly screaming baby with others. I can choose to have the baby to begin with (within reason...heavenly intervention and mandate reigning supreme in that area). I can choose what I am eating to stop feeling overweight which condition impels me even more to want to exercise.
I can choose to get up with the fussing baby or let them scream while I sleep.
I can choose to clean the house rather than work on my books.
I can choose to pump milk (since the baby can't nurse) rather than just use formula, which makes it so that I cannot choose to do other things...I get to decide what is the most important. And then I need to own that decision. I need to own all of them, even the ones made on a subconscious level.
Because I have agency. That is the one thing that God gave me that is completely my own. I have stewardship over it and I want to be more pro-active in taking responsibility for my choices, my attitudes and my actions.
