Finding Symbolism in Airport Alarms

 Okay, if there's a perfect time ot be at the airport, I have to say, my favorite it in the week hours of the morning.  Well, only if you have a long layover.  So much seating available.  I can lay on the freshly cleaned floors with much less hesitation than usual. (Yes, I do sometimes because when you're tired... and honestly, will you ever see these people again?)

Yes, that's me.  With my eyes closed. I decided to keep it real and keep my first attempt at this selfie; besides, it's an adequate reflection of the time of day, right?

Well, something that happens at 1:30 am in an airport is the testing of an alarm system.  (Not so great for sleeping but I'm in a three hour lag, so 2 am in Vegas is about my normal wake up time in Ohio. Yes, Vegas!  The picture is a giveaway, right?  Too bad I don't care to gamble, although from what I overheard of the "success" stories of fellow travelers, it would be wise to not try, surprise surprise.  But I digress.) Back to the alarms...

So, right before the alarms came on, there was a loud announcement that basically let us know that the alarms were going to be tested, so to no panic.  Then, for the next 30 minutes (or so) they tested various sound and light alarms.  Good thing I was already awake!  Immediately after the first ones went off, I thought, that's super smart!  So many things can go wrong and you want to be sure everything is in place if that emergency should arise.

That was followed immedately by the thought, much like the voice of the prophets and apostles in our day.  This was fresh on my mind because I was listening to a General Conference talk at the time from President Nelson "Make Time For The Lord" from 2021. I had also just started reading the Doctrince and Covenants, honestly not my go-to book of scriptures. I had just prayed a week ago for God to show my why we study this book, to gain a testimony of it.  As I read the first section, I was immediately struck with several truths that not only applied ot some situations I had been seeking counsel from heaven about, but also the phrase the Lord uses, "to raise a voice of warning in the last days" as calamities and chaos foretold for millenia unfold.  So I'm reading.  And watching for those signs and warnings.

It probably was a natural jump for me to make a connection, then, this morning when the alarms were being tested, against the day of calamity. The airport administrators want everything up and running and in place against the day of emergency.  God wants our lives "up and running" to prepare personally against the impending events that signal the coming of our Lord.

The alamrs were repetitious, perhaps even obnocious.   I admit my heart is not always eager to accept and implement the warnings that seem ofttimes repetitious from the pulpit of those called of God to give us His word.  Here's a sample from the talk I was listening to you and see if any of it might be a familiar refrain...a drill as it were:

"My brothers and sisters, I plead with you to make time for the Lord! Make your own spiritual foundation firm and able to stand the test of time by doing those things that allow the Holy Ghost to be with you always.

Never underestimate the profound truth that “the Spirit speaketh … of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be.”¹ “It will show unto you all things what ye should do.”²

Nothing invites the Spirit more than fixing your focus on Jesus Christ. Talk of Christ, rejoice in Christ, feast upon the words of Christ, and press forward with steadfastness in Christ.³ Make your Sabbath a delight as you worship Him, partake of the sacrament, and keep His day holy.⁴

As I emphasized this morning, please make time for the Lord in His holy house. Nothing will strengthen your spiritual foundation like temple service and temple worship." (Nelson, October 2021)

 So even if those voices of warning may come when we'd rather be sleeping (literally or metaphorically), and even if they seem annoyingly repetitious, maybe it's because that's just what we need to be ready to know just what to do when that day comes...and every day in between.

The alarms were of relatively short duration and I could do other things while being mindful of them. I probably exaggerated when I said thirty minutes. It was probably ten.  Ten minutes. Is it worth those ten minutes, naturally incorporated, to be ready?

Ironically, the topic of the talk and the one that led me to it, "Seek Him With All Your Heart" by Bishop Budge 2024 both emphasized setting intentional, dedicated time to be with God, just as Jesus did during His earthly ministry. If the perfect Savior of the world needed that time, it's something to consider.  (Budge gives great ideas of how to make this time naturally and attainably incorporated into our schedule.)

Just thought I'd share! I'd love to hear ways that you find or make time to be still, to meditate, to take time to be with the Lord and experiences you've had when you've been successful...or not! 

P.S. I have plenty of the latter!  This line stood out from Budge's talk and I'm totally guilty of this! 

The Lord knew—in this fast-paced world full of distractions and in commotion—that making quality time for Him would be one of the major challenges of our day. Speaking through the prophet Isaiah, He provided these words of counsel and caution, which can be likened unto the tumultuous days in which we live:

“In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: and ye would not.

“But ye said, No; for we will flee upon horses; therefore shall ye flee: and, We will ride upon the swift; therefore shall they that pursue you be swift.” 

In other words, even though our salvation depends on returning to Him often and resting from the cares of the world, we do not. And even though our confidence will come from a strength developed in quiet times sitting with the Lord in meditation and reflection, we do not. Why not? Because we say, “No, we are busy with other things”—fleeing upon our horses, so to speak. Therefore, we will get further and further away from God; we will insist on going faster and faster; and the faster we go, the swifter Satan will follow in pursuit.

Yikes!  Sometimes less is more.  I hear it a lot. Harder to apply for sure! It's one thing to know a thing and another to do it.  Good thing we have these regular "drills."

Planes, Puzzles and Plays--God's Got It Covered

 The other day, I missed my flight.  A day later, I prayed. Here's what happened in the middle...

Today, I set aside time to just BE with my kids.

In the meanwhile, there is so much in my head. So much I've chosen to put into my life...I have just been plain overwhelmed lately.  Even eliminating so much, I still find my self-doubt, criticism, lack of answers and mental health history just seem to sabotage the space I'm intentionally seeking to carve out for myself in my life. Self-sabotage, not trusting...it all came together in doing puzzles with my Penelope and Liesl this morning as God lovingly brought truths out during our "play":

*Sometimes I can't attach the piece I want to (that I pick out, I chose) because the other pieces aren't in place yet-I hate this lesson, honestly.  Sometimes you just have to wait for that vision, that moment, because the timing around you--circumstances, personal readiness, other's readiness--is just not right. (Homeschooling groups in Medina NY comes to mind!)

*Sometimes need to take apart a set of pieces in my life that's put together already to attach it to the next set to it-sometimes you have to have a season of deconstruction to make room for what's coming next.

*Sometimes I have to move out of the way physically for a piece to be put into place-we need to be movable to create space for the changes we want.

*Sometimes it takes some rotating to fit something in..you're just turned around-again, sometimes the change needed isn't so much physically, but just how we see things.

*Getting frustrated often makes it harder-while this is self-explanatory, I found doing it with a volatile, yet sweet and intentional three and six year old brought this lesson to life more sweetly and clearly.

*Hyperfocusing on one piece often makes me miss the piece I actully need to put the whole puzzle together. Penelope did this several times, trying to fit the piece in her hand "that was super special" into a spot.  It just wouldn't fit-those special blessings and dreams we seek sometimes just don't fit into that spot in our lives that we want them to.  Too much idealism, hyperfocusing on what we thing should be happening in our lives or other's lives...can just lead to frustration.

*Can't see the place to put the piece because another piece is covering the spot.  Penelope couldn't find where one of her pieces went because the rest of the pieces (symbolic of goals and dreams perhaps?) were all jumbled around and covering where it went-sometimes taking time out to clear out the jumble of ideas and potention in our lives and sort through it is important so we can find the place for pieces that come next.

*Often others help and put in large pieces of the puzzle-often God sets our puzzle piece space up like I do for my little ones so we can feel the satisfaction of putting that piece into place.

*And a lesson that stood out  particularly at the end, sometimes we pick out puzzles that are too hard for us because we really, really, really want to do them.

These lessons and the flight experience made me reflect upon our crazy and miraculous week of Acting Camp.  I truly felt God inspire me and sustaing me in what I could do and help me feel content with what I could not.   I felt the freedom to take time for myself--applying some of my self-care practices. I saw God change the words in my mouth as I was speaking them as a mentor.  It was just...incredible.

I felt God impress upon me the lessons learned that week and "suggest" that I could apply them to the bigger play that is my life, with all of it's seasons and scenes.

"Thief in the Night" or "Travail of a Woman with Child"

I found this passage in our Come Follow Me reading for the week. I find the Lord's timing interesting.... that we should have this passage this week right after the conflict in Israel is escalating: 

1 But of the times and the seasons, brethren, ye have no need that I write unto you.

2 For yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night.

3 For when they shall say, Peace and safety; then sudden destruction cometh upon them, as travail upon a woman with child; and they shall not escape.

4 But ye, brethren, are not in darkness, that that day should overtake you as a thief.

5 Ye are all the children of light, and the children of the day: we are not of the night, nor of darkness.

6 Therefore let us not sleep, as do others; but let us watch and be sober. 

1 Thessalonians 5:1–6 https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/nt/1-thes/5?id=p1-p6&lang=eng#p1 

I like that Paul uses not only "the thief in the night" analogy ("a complete surprise!") but also the one "as travail upon a woman with child," because although the latter is historically outside of a person's control or knowledge, there are signs showing it's closer. And I anticipate a birth far more than I "anticipate" someone stealing from me. Trust me--I've had both . Cool difference between those who seek to learn from God and those who don't. Terrifying for them .

Hitting the wrong target?

 This morning, listening to the following story brought tears to my eyes:

"Many years ago, I went to a summer Scout camp with our son Justin. As the activities got underway, he excitedly announced that he and his friends wanted to earn the archery merit badge. Doing so required the boys to pass a short written test and hit a target with their arrows. My heart sank. At the time, Justin was quite frail due to cystic fibrosis, a disease he had been battling since birth. I wondered if he could pull the bow back far enough to send the arrow to the target.

"As he and his friends left for the archery class, I silently prayed that he would not be humiliated by the experience.
"A couple of anxious hours later, I saw him coming up the path toward me with a big smile. “Dad!” he exclaimed. “I got the merit badge! I got a bull’s-eye; it was on the target next to mine, but I hit a bull’s-eye!” He had pulled the bow back with all his might and let the arrow fly, unable to control its trajectory. How grateful I am for that understanding archery instructor who never said, “Sorry, wrong target!” Rather, upon seeing Justin’s obvious limitations and earnest effort, he kindly responded, “Good job!”
"That is how it will be for us if we do our very best to follow Christ and His prophets in spite of our limitations. If we come unto Him by keeping our covenants and repenting of our sins, we will joyfully hear our Savior’s commendation: “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.”*

I had just finished posting the following to my sweet daughter-in-law, Réka Biesinger, who had followed up on my recent visit with a question about how I am doing:
"I'm adjusting to being home ❤️. I am soaking in all the beautiful spirits around me, but can get overwhelmed with their needs and the endless options of things to do.

"I can totally relate to your need to keep things clean and orderly-- but sometimes that means pushing someone else's needs away; not strengthening my body for future service through my "essential" exercises; not cooking or creating things for a Halloween party; not playing a game with Tova while she's here; not going on a walk in the beautiful fall weather with my darlings....
Not doing the family calendar.
Not working on the plays and songs for our choir.
Not doing ministering.
Not studying Hungarian so I can better speak with my grandson and the beautiful Hungarian people 😉.
Not filling my personal cup of peace to strengthen and enlarge my capacity to serve.
And not sleeping, lol! (Which is probably why I'm up at 4 in the morning writing this to you ❤️)

"All such great things 💛. But I simply cannot do them all.
"So I'm seeking God's perspective through prayer and scripture: so I can feel peace when my laundry is a mile high and there are dishes in the sink 😏.

"Besides, my vacuum is broken so that's a bit of a pain to even do that simple thing.🤣

"But there is so much beauty in each moment that passes that I don't want to let stress overshadow that.
"So I'm choosing to let a lot of things go in the moment. Trusting that trying my level best is awesome, and, worst-case scenario, I dig through my laundry pile for panties for Liesl."

So when I heard the story about "missing the target" this morning, I wept. God had heard my breaking heart underneath my bravado--my concern, my earnest weak attempt to do some little good despite all I saw as "needing" to be done.
Sometimes a good cry is very clarifying.

Stepping back, I'm grateful for my limitations, honestly. They are teaching me to prioritize, have faith in Christ to literally compensate for every pain and problem caused by both my activity and inactivity, and to choose to see my life with purpose, beauty and hope.**
******

*"Hallmarks of Happiness: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2023/10/31sabin?lang=eng&fbclid=IwAR3RSga7ko3sCgqq3Ou3Ac_L4YvrQbalsiHWTagyo5U3JGXZzCi00X53iLs

**which last phrase, ironically, is the theme of my children's book for Piper that I just started illustrating,... another "good thing" 😏.

Shards

 SHARDS

Shattered, broken, deadly…

A lifetime of mistakes lay before me

In overwhelming hues.

Looking around,

I don’t know where to go,

What to do.

Who am I…

…Other than a thousand bits

Of splintered, senseless

Colored glass?

But then,

Ever so gently,

I feel the pieces lovingly gathered,

Delicately and deliberately rearranged,

Making sense of

The sadness,

The heartache,

The mistakes,

The flaws,

The cracked ugly pieces

Of my broken soul.

Patterns form

As I submit

To this brutally tender rearrangement,

Allowing myself to float,

To move,

To break even further

Under the hands

Of the Master Craftsman.

The lead is placed

Deliberately

Between the gaps of the

Broken, colored pieces…

An Atonement of Love

Sealing,

Soldering the pattern into place

In the furnace of redemption.

“What are you doing?”

My soul cries out.

“These pieces are broken,

Ugly,

Unredeemable!

I am still but a cacophonic collection

Of worthless,

Fragmented,

Melted sand.”

My heart hung in shame,

The Master Craftsman

Gently reaches,

Lovinging lifting me into place.

“Just watch,”

He whispers.

Light--

His light!--

Shines through my brokenness

I gasp,

As I see I have become

His stained glass masterpiece.

(Image from Stained glass window, fantasy woman portrait. Generative ai By FantasyEmporium https://stock.adobe.com/images/stained-glass-window-fantasy-woman-portrait-generative-ai/553267928)

Like Ants

 We came home to an interesting sight last night: many ants had not only found their way into our house, but several were gathered around the bottom of our toilet at some kind of sick feast.

Quinn retrieved a few liquid ant traps and set one in different strategic locations. I remember being intrigued when I first heard how these traps work:

Liquid ant baits work by attracting foraging ants with an enticingly sweet liquid.  [This liquid wreaks] havoc on the digestive system of an ant, but it acts slowly, allowing the ant to leave a trail of pheromones to the trap, luring yet more ants into its grasp. (Terro liquid ant bait trap website)

This morning, all the ants had disappeared.  Apparently, they had been lured away from the bottom of the toilet for the poison.

Quinn and I talked about it a bit and I commented, "It would be crazy to be one of the people that helped figure out what would entice an ant from a toilet to its death."

Instantly, I thought about Satan, and how he has designed traps that not only slowly kill us but also that lead others to the site of the poison.  And this poison entices us from filthy, disgusting places, promising an easy sweet reward. 

I am grateful for the example of my Savior, who stood strong in the face of the easy route, keeping His focus on His Father.

May we ever be mindful. Satan is NOT our friend.

The Burden of Decision Making

 I just had a huge breakthrough moment mentally and need to write my way through it.  (Warning: wordy and very personal.)

It's all about decisions. Making them. The consequences. The pain. The Purpose.

Decision Awareness

For years I and many around me have struggled to make decisions. Why is that? Why do we have a hard time making decisions?

I am reminded of the time that I read “What Is Seen And Not Seen?,” a short essay by Bastiat that apparently the Founding Fathers really liked. While largely a social economy essay, the main concept is that we cannot see the rippling effect of each choice. Writers and speakers today refer to it as the “Butterfly Effect”: a butterfly's wings move air that can ultimately become a hurricane.

So each of our decisions has that same effect. From the looks we give to the blatant actions we take, each motion, each microdecision has an impact—from individual to widespread. And I believe that it is in the awareness of effects we can see coupled with the unperceived reality of what we don't see that makes ...each...decision...so...hard.

My entire life I have been acquiring an increased awareness of my social footprint. The more I learn, the more I study, the more I am exposed to different people, places, cultures and ideas—honestly, the more I just live in awareness of the effects of my actions—the more I learn about:

-how people respond

-how people can be loved

-how people can be hurt

-the power of manipulation

-the power of inspiration

-the history of hurt

-the history of impact

-cause and effect of motivation

-cause and effect of each individual choice.

Often my mind will be a whirlwind of the possibility of a moment. For instance, Xai just came up to me. Instantly my desire to give him a big hug and start interacting with him warred with my feelings that I need to write down these thoughts. Thoughts race about IMPACT:

-of neglect,

-of thoughts left to create chaos and unrest in my brain and psyche

-of each microsecond of pausing in making the next decision

-of even the attitude with which I deliver that finally made decision.

I have always struggled to determine the right decision. In my idealistic world, there was a way to always do the right thing so whenever I made decisions that yielded negative impacts—whether through personal weakness and choice or ignorance—I berated myself. When it was a genuine sin, I learned how to find solace in repentance, although I definitely had a hard time forgiving myself. When it was pain or hurt caused in others or disorder or imperfection created through my decision making, it was like I gave myself permission to scold, hate and even mentally scourge myself.

Mental Scourging

This was a largely unaware process, a default that I generated at some stage of my development; but it became acceptable.

It became engrained.

It became right.

And when I ran over Isaak, it became the new complete reality.

Finally, I had crossed the line over irredeemable. I was faced with many decisions, the biggest one immediately following was to live or die. Again, the ripple effect of possibilities rolled before me: take my life and stop causing pain and horror in the lives of others or keep living and keep inflicting pain.

If I took my life, my family would have to suffer more immediate mourning. The children would be left to face life with a mother who killed herself and the emotional, psychological damage of unforeseen magnitude of that action. If I lived, I would be there to keep causing pain and suffering through my ignorance, ineptness, or choice.

While currently I can see the flaws in this mental state, it was the reality that spring day on the back patio at our house in Kearns in 2003.

I obviously chose the previous option.

Moving forward, I received different levels of healing and feelings of forgiveness. However, underlying it wall was this driving sense of....something. It translated into aggression, huge mood swings and almost constant self-belittlement. Every choice I made seemed to be not quite right. No matter what I chose, someone or something somewhere suffered for that choice.

And the weight had become oppressive.

Even to not make a choice is a choice in itself to be weighed in the balance.

A few years ago, I had a deep and cleansing healing experience with reference to Isaak's death that left me feeling like a new baby with a clean slate. It was a transformational level of healing that alleviated years of inner self-disgust regarding that one horrific day. It was an incalculable respite from that burden.

For a while, that was enough. I basked in the lightness I felt. The inner self-acceptance.

Love yourself

But then something started pricking. I couldn't relax and not feel like a terrible person. I couldn't just sit and enjoy my family. Apparently, I wasn't just compensating for the tragic loss I had caused. Apparently, there was something else happening internally that was torquing my ability to feel content with myself.

What was it?

I began “hearing” whiffs of it in my prayers, which became stronger and stronger over time.

Love yourself.

At first, whenever I felt that I would immediately scoff. I would make excuses. I would justify why that was particularly selfish.

And then I started realizing how deeply that one omission was affecting me. It was preventing me from opening up myself to share in a loving relationship with others. Oh, I could see everyone else's blinding beauty and worth! But I've come to realize that I then tried to either make myself worthy of that relationship or didn't open myself up, fearing my ugliness within would hurt or bore or annoy them. It was painful. It was heavy. It was laced with that same self-belittlement that, logically, I knew was not healthy, correct, and even selfish. But then I would hate myself more for hating myself. Whew. It was exhausting.

However, I was beginning to see the truth behind the commandment, “Love your neighbor as yourself” with its inherent reversal, “Love yourself like your neighbor.” I could feel my ability to love curbed as I tried to control the impact I had on others....always failing. Because I had strong habits of berating myself, sometimes in moments of heat, those thought patterns would transfer onto those around me. It is very hard to change inner dialogue from hate to love on a dime, especially in moments of duress.  I prayed for God to show me how.

Those who know me, know how intense I can get. Imagine that, directed at my soul, rife with disgust. Oh, I had many times free of it, when the world around me, the Spirit, etc would help me find joy in what was going on and peace did penetrate myself. But there was definitely no underlying base of worth or acceptance that existed. It just sat there in my soul, rearing its nasty head when I was struggling or under duress.

Each decision caused pain, burdens, hurt or annoyance somewhere. Every moment I felt like I was weighing the “good, better, best” of that moment and no matter my good intentions, I just couldn't stop hurting people. I came to relish times of being away from everyone, attributing it to some “introvert” quality. And I felt bad for yearning to be away from everyone, even those I loved.

How could that be right? I was definitely stuck.

The Problem of Pain

As I pondered how to move forward, finally seeing the cage I was in, I started reflecting on pain.

Over the years, I would cry out to heaven, “Please take me away so I stop causing pain!!”

However, lately I started thinking: was I really that determined to not cause pain? Is pain so bad? Spending a lifetime avoiding pain is not only unhealthy but unrealistic. (Yes, the line from “Princess Bride” is perfect here: “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling you something.”) I also was mindful of the experience and strength that comes through certain kinds of pain. And I didn't shirk much from pain caused to myself if it was for a higher cause.

So was “the ideal” to not experience pain? No, it couldn't be. But was it right for me to cause pain? Just because pain is an inevitable part of existence, is it okay to deliberately cause it? That doesn't seem right either.

I think often about Eve and her decision in the Garden of Eden. Up until very recently, I felt like her struggle to decide to partake of the fruit—“Is there no other way?”—lay in the fact that she was bringing pain into the world. Her decision would cause pain. But as I write that now, how could the factor of “pain” be part of that decision? She didn't know what “pain” even was at that point....

...which leads me to the HUGE EPIPHANY that I had this week.

The True Burden of Choice

On Wednesday, my bishop counseled me to consider why God loves me. I KNOW He loves me more completely than I know pretty much anything else due to some very sacred experiences I have had over the years. But I have struggled to feel worthy of that love.

As I pondered the Bishop's request, a few things came to mind.

1. I really am a nice person. I love to serve. I can be mean. I am not perfect. But overall, I am nice.
2. I have a soul that loves purely.
3. I live with integrity. almost maniacally always trying to make the “right” decision.

So what was the problem? I knew that the Atonement was there for me. Why did I feel such despair currently? I just kept feeling like no matter what I did, no matter how much I tried to honor God's laws, I just kept being unworthy or horrible or ugly.

Then it hit me. I don't remember how. I think it was when I was listening to 2 Nephi 2, when we learn that the Atonement paid the price for the transgression of the Fall. It hit me: there were two commandments.

1. Multiply and replenish the earth
2. Don't eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil

It was impossible to do both. And they had to make the choice. I don't buy the whole scenario, “God didn't come down in time to stop them from making a bad choice.” Really?? He was distracted??

I don't think so.

And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.

And they would have had no children.

So they had to make a choice. A choice that caused a lot of pain. A choice that caused progression. An obedient choice.

God knew that they would violate one commandment or the other, either by omission or commission. And there was a plan in place.  Going back to 2 Nephi 2:

But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things....

And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law

Christ paid the price.

They had two laws in conflict with each other, and Christ paid the price for the law that they were violating in order to honor the law that was highest at that moment!!

And that day, it hit me.

Each book of scripture begins with choice: a choice where two laws are in conflict..

1. Doctrine and Covenants, where we find Joseph Smith facing a decision to honor his trust with his commendable, supportive mentor, Martin Harris or to honor his faith in God's word that he not share the 116 pages with Martin's wife.

2. Mary and Joseph are confronted with the decision to honor God's direct instruction or honor social and moral constructs of their day and their religion.

3. Nephi is instructed by an angel to kill Laban, going counter to the 10 Commandments—also the word of God.

4. And Adam and Eve were given two commandments in the Garden of Eden: go forth and multiply and don't eat of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

This whole life, every choice we make, is a decision between laws. And when we honorably and with integrity decide to honor the law that we feel is highest at the moment, Christ's atonement will pay the price for our transgression of any lower law!  And the Atonement heals, supports, loves, pays the price, and makes all things whole.

We see it in the scriptures:

-Abraham and Isaac: kill your son or take care of your son

-The widow of Nain: feed the prophet or feed your child

-Jesus Christ: ointment for His feet or feed the poor; Mary and Martha—serve or be instructed

-The Anti-Nephi-Lehis and Captain Moroni: take up or lay down your weapons.

We see it in our lives:

-have a devotional with older kids or play a game with my littles.
-invest in creating productions that my kids are in or stop and take time to go on a walk
-save for the future or use the money for the poor
-take a needed break or make a house of order.
-correct a child or let the Spirit teach them.

-honor inspiration to have another child or spend more time with the kids I already feel overwhelmed to meet the needs of.

My struggle is mostly in how I spend my time:
-serve in church or serve my family
-spend time reading my scriptures or exercising
-date with my husband or snuggle with the kids to sleep.

I would work and work to stream-line and create a schedule that perfectly balanced my time so there was no neglect, no trangression.  And it just wouldn't ever seem to work! 

I was caught up in bearing the burden for the many, many ways I was transgressing laws as I make decisions. I was feeling so dirty and unacceptable. I have to make choices—even the choice to NOT make a choice—and the knowledge and increased awareness I have gained over the years was helping me see more and more the effect of my choices. How could I be a good person and be creating so much actual and potential for pain and heartache? Even at the end of a day where I felt I had done my best, all day long, I would hurt, especially when I was already feeling tired or vulnerable.

A case in point: a few nights ago, Penelope was struggling to go to sleep; Liesl and Eli were upset that I wasn't snuggling with them until they went to sleep, and I had asked Maia and Piper to play a game with me since I missed doing things with them in our busy schedule. It tore me apart. Kids were crying or waiting or whining. I was so frustrated. I was so sad.

All those transgressions just added up. And I couldn't see how Christ would or should forgive me of them if I had gone into the decision with my eyes wide open to the negative cost of those decisions. Surely there must be some way to not cause that pain or potential ripples of negativity.

Apparently not.

Apparently that lesson is important enough it is practically the first lesson of each book of scripture.

We have to make hard choices. The highest law is the one God is telling us to do at that very moment. And we can trust Him that the Atonement will redeem us from the effects of transgressing the law that is lesser at the moment as we act with integrity. I can live with that.

So is this life about making decisions? Absolutely. Making decisions that honor whatever the Higher Law is at the moment. That is what God does constantly, make decisions guided by the highest Law at the moment. He weeps at the pain. He rejoices at the beauty. 

And we are all seeking to become like Him. 

 I think I am starting to get the Purpose of decisions.

I feel peace.

True Faith: Believing Even "If Not"

Quick thoughts from scripture reading and seminary with my son...an answer to my "whine"?

 1 Peter 2:20 For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it ^apatiently? but if, when ye do well, and ^bsuffer for it, ye take it ^cpatiently, this is ^dacceptablewith God.

From the following talk:

A furious Nebuchadnezzar told them that if they would not worship as commanded, they would immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace. “And who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?”2The three young men quickly and confidently responded, “If it be so [if you cast us into the furnace], our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand.” That sounds like my eighth-grade kind of faith. But then they demonstrated that they fully understood what faith is. They continued, “But if not, … we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.”3 That is a statement of true faith.

They knew that they could trust God—even if things didn’t turn out the way they hoped.4 They knew that faith is more than mental assent, more than an acknowledgment that God lives. Faith is total trust in Him.

Our scriptures and our history are replete with accounts of God’s great men and women who believed that He would deliver them, but if not, they demonstrated that they would trust and be true.

He has the power, but it’s our test.

What does the Lord expect of us with respect to our challenges? He expects us to do all we can do. He does the rest. Nephi said, “For we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do...”19

Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord.

Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. … He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. … We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, … we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has.20