I really don't know where to start. It has been so long and so much has happened.
However, I feel I need to express the gratitude in my heart for the many lives that have touched mine and continue to bless me. As we prepare to move to New York, I have had the chance to spend some meaningful times with many of the people that make my life beautiful, that have inspired me throughout the years through their words and lives and some who continue to serve me and my family.
This has been particularly meaningful due to some recent experiences I have had, which I would like to share to preface my gratitude....
I went through a time in the past year where I felt people pull back in a period of my life where I felt I needed them the most. I have spent a great deal of time over the months since then evaluating what my expectations are, what my part is, and how to move on and have healthy relationships with them. These are people that I love, relationships I cherish...which is why it hurt all the more. Whether the pulling back was real or imagined, the feelings I had were deep and real and needed to be addressed and dealt with for me to seek resolution and peace in moving forward...for I believe that relationships grow or die depending upon how we treat them. And I knew the choice was mine...as "victim" as I felt.
I sought my ownership in these situations, knowing that my initial decision to just pull back and distance myself from them was not the answer. I had some people tell me that, in order to protect myself, perhaps I should just throw up walls and have a more casual interaction with them. This did not feel right for my particular situation, as appreciated as their love and advice was for me.
I felt like I forgave these people mentally, knowing we are all human, but felt unable to move forward with love towards them. Why...when it seemed pointless? It was as if it didn't feel like they loved me enough back to deserve the time and energy it took to give them my love and attention....crazy, but that was where I was at.
It was a selfish, dark, and most likely untrue place to be, but it was the reality of my thoughts and I felt stuck. I knew
I needed to change, but was unsure how much God expected of me or wanted of me. It just seemed unfair.
It was not an easy process. God never let me feel validated or content in my self-pity or perceived offenses. During one particular Sacrament service, as I prayerfully sought for comfort and direction in the quiet moments my kids allowed me, I had a distinct answer: "It is not
your love you are withholding from them, but
Mine. Charity, the pure love of Christ, is the love that you need to give them, the love that they need, the only love that truly lasts, and by withholding your loving actions and outreachings from them, you are sinning by withholding
My love that they need to feel through you. You are in the wrong, my child." Like I said, it has not been an easy time.
However, in the process I have learned so much, much like the beautiful analogy I heard in Sunday School today of the moth. An Imperialis moth struggles
intensely to emerge from its cocoon to emerge as one of the most beautiful moths in the world. A sympathetic biologist, watching the struggles of one such moth, sought to ease the transition by helping it out of the cocoon. What emerged was malformed and unable to fly. As he studied this magnificent creature more, he learned that it was in the process of the struggle that the moth's body was strengthened to enable it to emerge ready to fly. We, too, need struggles to emerge.
One of the most important lessons I learned in this process was through a story shared from the Bible in the book "The Peacegiver" by Farrell. I found an article that summarizes the story well:
Abigail: Life-Changing Symbol
I’ve read
and heard the Old Testament story of Abigail’s offering to David many
times over the years. (See 1 Samuel 25.) Still, I’d totally missed the
deeper meaning that James L. Ferrell pointed out in his book The Peacegiver.
You remember the story: David, who had recently done a great service to
Nabal by securing his flocks, sent some of his men to request
sustenance. Nabal “rails on them” and turns them away. David and his
men, seething at the injustice, determine to march against his household
and slay all the males. Abigail, Nabal’s wife, becomes privy to the
plot, gathers great stores of food, and hastens to intervene. She
approaches David, offering to make up for her husband’s affront to the
men.
I always
thought Abigail was being a really brave and loving wife to intercede
with David in hopes of securing her husband’s safety. But there is so
much more to it than that. Ferrell explains the symbolism as Abigail
kneels before David and his men, and says, “Upon me let this iniquity
be,” offering, as Christ does, to take another’s sin upon herself and,
in her case, atone for it by offering many times the goods David had
requested of her husband. But here is the kicker: Abigail’s concern is
not only to save her husband and the men of her household, but to save
David from doing this great wrong, to keep his previously unsullied soul
safe. She said, “Please accept of my offering, that this shall be no
grief unto thee.”
Inexplicably,
she says, “forgive my trespass,” claiming the sin as her own. Abigail
asked David’s forgiveness not because she needed it (she, like Jesus,
had done nothing wrong) but because David needed to forgive instead of multiplying Nabal’s sin with his own. Through
her merciful act Abigail created the most forgiveness-friendly
environment possible. She offered to compensate for the sin David was
raging against, full measure, running over-much more than he had
originally asked for.
As Abigail Did for David, So Jesus Does for Us
Farrell
explains that Jesus does the same with us in every situation where we
are wronged by another; thus Abigail is the perfect “type” of the
Savior’s merciful dealings with his children.
There is a beautiful excerpt of the book quoted
here that is quite lengthy and analyzes the situation perfectly, but in my own words, Abigail came out to pay the price that David
demanded be paid. David, at first, wanted Nabal to pay it...for wasn't that "
fair"? But Abigail paid the price in full, offering it to David. Was it right for David to demand more? If all that he desired was before him, was it right for David to demand it was Nabal that paid it?
I saw clearly in my mind that that Savior is offering me all the love, nurturing, friendship and support that I desire...and more, in fact. Just because it is not coming from the people that I felt should be giving it to me, fully aware
mentally that perhaps they were not able to at that time because of one thing or another, was it right for me to demand
more? Could I look the Savior in the eye and say, "What you are giving me is just not good enough"? He has paid the price for any sin, perceived or real, that others may do to me and offers everything I need and more if I will but accept it...just as David had the choice to accept Abigail's offering. If I didn't, just as would have happened if David had moved forward to extract "justice" from Nabal, I would have the sins of vengeance and unrighteously-enacted "justice" upon my own head.
After reading this story, each time I would feel those negative ugly "justified" feelings, I would see this story in my mind, with the Savior reaching out, offering me the peace, support and love I craved and see my own part in accepting or rejecting his sacrifice. Who was I to demand more than the incredible price He has already paid? The peace that came was incredible and inexplicable...much like at the time of my dear Isaak's death:
truly a peace that surpasseth understanding.
In the days and weeks that have followed that experience I have felt peace and a renewed ability to love and open myself up again. I have been blessed by the Savior's offering as he blesses us so often--through the actions and words of others :). I have had lunches, phone calls, service rendered, conversations and emails, filling my cup to capacity and more. To feel the contrast with the time when I felt so alone has truly helped me appreciate the dear friendships I have...the Savior's offering to my broken, lonely heart.
I have seen my own pride, my own imperfections, my own false judgment laid bare and have sought repentence and perspective to not retrace those mental tracks that were so lonely. I have not been the martyr. I have not been the victim. For whatever reason, it was a time for me to emerge from the chrysallis of judgment, of bitterness to fly above my previous mental state. It was time for me to realize yet another aspect of Christ's infinite and powerful atonement and how it can truly allow Him to take my burden upon Him and for mine to feel light.
Since then, in these recent interactions with friends and family, I have been blessed to be able to reflect on the many beautiful and wonderful people that have been a part of my life. I feel it is a time of temporary farewell, but more permanent than when we went to Hungary. My heart swells with love as I see so many imperfect wonderful people reaching out to, loving and serving imperfect me...in spite of my own short-comings and ways I have surely offended them.
During this time between when we have sold our house here in Utah and are ready to get into our house in New York, we have been blessed to stay with my parents, with Quinn's parents, are now staying in the basement of a dear friend while her family is on vacation (brave soul!), and will then go to visit another dear friend in time to give birth to the newest member of our family. We have had so many random and planned meetings with good people that I feel more complete in our saying "farewell for now" to our time here. I thought the saying below particularly appropriate:
Oh, how much I appreciate these dear people as part of Christ's offering to heal me.
