The Ideal is Broken

I have been a self-proclaimed idealist for years.

There is a problem with this idealism.  I have the wrong ideal.

Case in point: I just came home from two days away from home, leaving our busy household of 11 children ages 21-1 under the management of the older children while we went to pick up Reka with Kel from the airport at JFK. When I came home, I noticed the curtains awry, the caramel popcorn not in baggies so they wouldn't dry out, the table cloth that actually wasn't a table cloth, the baby out of her jammies and the older kids all still awake. Why? 

And more importantly, is that a good thing?

At the end of this life, I believe I have—subconsciously—felt that the judgment of our lives will be a measure of all the things we perfected: our weaknesses, our situations, our knowledge. So I do this constantly, always evaluating everything that happens around me against some standard of measurement that seems to become more "exact," more "lofty," the more I see the "perfection" or "completeness" of others: in books, in movies, in the lives of those around me.

Yet, as I came home last night, even though I was joyful in my return and acknowledged the good, I just kept pointing out those little "unfinished" details either to myself or to the kids who had taken charge during my absence.

I woke up with the horror of what I had done.

Am I being over-dramatic? Really? The horror? You decide.

I barely acknowledged the good. I "lovingly" laughed aloud at the "unfinished." But this is what I really came home to:

-a home where all my children were happy and the youngers peacefully sleeping

-a home where they had painstakingly purchased supplies for and made up several kinds of our favorite Christmas treats...and left no trace of that production in our home other than finished goodies...all while:

-cleaning up kids and the home, even taking care of the monster pile of laundry I left!  They did so well,in fact, that those things I noticed were the only things that were a little different than I would have done

-setting up Reka's bed

-taking care of an incident of Xai accidentally letting a train set slide down the stairs, knocking down the            baby

-keeping peace in the home!...a family well-fed, well-rested, and happy!

And I was critical of this in the name of "perfection"? Of "idealism"?

I hurt my children by not accepting their offering. I have done this their whole lives. "You have done such a good job!  Let me show you how it could be just a little better." Always. Always.  Ever and ever.  To them.  To myself.  And even, I realize now, to God.

As I saw how cruel I was to those dear ones who this weekend served with such a sweet heart and really did SO much, my thoughts drifted to the scriptures. What Christ asks of us is brokenness, is humility. We are to become perfected in Him.

I need to find beauty behind the brokenness. I need to find a different definition of "ideal." "Ideal" is not these man-made "standards of perfection" that surround us. The ultimate ideal is to be like a child, be broken, be humble, be grateful, be loving.

So if the table cloth is actually a curtain set? Don't only try to "not pay attention to it"! Pay attention to it and see in it the perfect love, the perfect devotion that is behind it and love it. Love the brokenness, the kind hearts, the good intentions in those around us even more than their actions...and if for no other reason than this:

So we can see the beauty in the brokenness in ourselves.

Let us find, let us discover, let us define a new ideal.

x

A Cookie Jar or a Floor

The other day in seminary, my daughter shared how we really need to learn to rely on the Savior and not just treat His Atonement casually.

As she shared this, into my mind came some images:  sometimes we treat the Atonement like a cookie jar on the shelf, one we reach into when we want to feel happy.

What it really should be is the floor we walk upon, the bridge into the mist.  That is what it means to rely upon Him.

The Choice Goes On

I have been reflecting a great deal lately on the choice of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden:  how it was a commandment to multiply and replenish the earth and find joy; how they were not to touch the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil.  How Eve made a choice.

I feel there are a lot of opinions out there on whether it was good or bad, whether Eve was courageous or a sinner; about the fine points of difference between sin and transgression.

But what strikes me this morning is that she was choosing between a life of perfection, of bliss of comfort...and the unknown realm of growth.

She was still choosing between Satan's plan and the plan of God.

I have been so frustrated in my own life about the presence of perceive injustices, disparities between economic, etc situations, cruelty, etc on a macro-scale: in the world, in communities at large. I have struggled with its presence in my own life: continual personal sin, sins of others hurting me and those I love, things just plain going wrong.  Stuff.  Bad stuff. And somehow I have it in my head that a life full of ease and bliss is what I am supposed to have, even entitled to have, if only my faults and those of other people (I tend on those more :S) would just get out of my way.

I have a choice.

God's plan was never the one with the life of ease.  Happy ending, yes.  Happy journey, no.  We knew it would be a time of testing.  Satan saw it and, like many of us do in this life, decided that, "nope!"  Like him, deep down we really don't want God's plan.  It is too hard, too unfair, too unjust.  Agency just has too many "unpredicalities."

You know, the eventual outcome of the plan of happiness is to be like God, and is His life free of pain or of sorrow? We read in the Book of Moses how He saw Satan wielding his chain over the children of men, His children, and laughing.  And God wept.

He weeps when we struggle.  He yearns to help us.  But in order for His plan to work, we have to choose Him.  Choose to become like Him.  Choose to see the lesson in the pain.  Choose to embrace the instruction in the tears.  Christ chose it.  It was hard.  He groaned under the weight, sweated under the pressure, and embraced every pain and sorrow because He knew that we could not do it on our own and be able to move past the moment of learning otherwise.

He paid the price so our suffering is as minimal as a truly repentant heart.

We choose.

So do we want to be like God, one who witnesses pain, suffering and injustice at the hands of others as they use their agency in this trial by fire?  Or do our hearts still yearn for Satan's plan, the perpetual Garden of Eden?

What do we choose?

Primer Missionary Work and "The Transition"

A letter to my local missionaries...shared in case it helps someone else or if anyone has anything they would like to add :D.

My dear young friends, 

I hope you will not find it presumptuous of me to send this letter. Since our conversations both at church and last week, my mind has been bombarded with thoughts of you and your situations, both as missionaries here in western New York, and as young men who will soon be transitioning to “the next phase.” I hope you will know of the love and respect that I feel for you both as servants of the Most High.

Were you there when I was having the recent conversation about how “all things denote there is a God”? That “all things testify of Christ”? Well, I have found that even, and sometimes especially, when I am doing seemingly mundane tasks, the Spirit guides me mind to eternal principles...like cleaning up dried peach muck embedded with tiny glass shards, right ;D.

That was true today. I learned in Seminary last year that if we pray before everything and consecrate our performance to God, it will be a blessing to us, “that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul.” So, when I woke up at 5 am ready to paint that closet that has needed painting, I said a prayer on the ladder, “consecrating my performance.” And it was like the windows of heaven were opened and God was there, talking to me as I painted.

Now, I don't know if you have painted much. I have! Every wall in this house, pretty much, at least one coat! :D And one thing I have learned is no matter how good the paint—even the ones that are “paint with primer”—if you are doing an initial coat on wood, tape, etc., you need primer. I hate primer. I really do. You can never make the wall look good with primer, and believe me, I've tried! And that is because the purpose of primer is to make the succeeding coats of paint stick, not to look good on its own! Paint is when you get visible results. But those results are not effective unless the primer coat has been applied first. In fact, you can paint with only the newest “paint and primer” varieties but you still end up doing more total coats than if you had just used a primer to begin with!

As I relived this truth this morning, painting for hours without seeing a beautiful wall before me, I kept thinking, “It's okay if my paint job looks like garbage, like a waste of time; primer is for making things stick,” again and again in my head. One time while I was rehearsing this litany in my mind, I realized that missionary work in western New York is sometimes like putting on the primer coat. It is super necessary. The preliminary work done by the “priming” missionaries makes later work stick...but it still has to be applied completely and effectively. Not missing any corners.

Is “priminging missionary work” essential to that final, glistening coat? Absolutely. Does it make the later work stick? Absolutely. Does our Father in Heaven, whose work this is, know when His faithful sons and daughters are doing the priming and not seeing the results? Absolutely. Does He guide those who are obedient and faithful to “prime the corners,” those hard to reach places? Absolutely. And is it all His work?

Elder, you mentioned once in passing that when you are with people, sometimes it feels like a waste of time. “I am here to share a message!” you told me, with a little bit of frustration. My heart went out to you. You have a good and obedient spirit and it is easy to get disappointed having no visible results. But I have thought about it since then, and please forgive me if this comes out wrong, and I think, in fact, you are here to do God's work, not just “share a message.” Sure, that is sometimes a part of it, but sometimes there are other ways to preach (like take someone's dog back to them when they were unkind to you :D.)

Sometimes God's work demands slaying Laban with a sword, and sometimes it demands kneeling in prayer while you are slain. Sometimes it requires opening your mouth and sometimes it requires opening your heart. That is the crazy awesome thing about the Spirit...you never know what will come next! To planners like me, this can be a little daunting. But when you can relax and just follow the Spirit, it is amazing where it will take you.

The hard part about being “priming missionaries” is that you really don't get to step back, see your labors, and be satisfied. But doesn't God promise that those who do not see but still believe that they are more blessed for their faith than those who do see? In D&C 18 it tells us of the joy that we will feel in bringing even one soul to Christ. Missionaries that are involved in baptisms are blessed to feel the joy at that ordinance. Why? Because they see someone get baptized? Or is the more lasting satisfaction the spiritual confirmation that God sends them along with that ordinance? Is He not capable of rewarding the “priming missionary work” with that same scope of spiritual joy and happiness? We may not know where the joy comes from, or to what labor it is connected, but as we daily seek for God's guidance we may be assured that we will be graced with His Spirit that brings peace and joy, the ultimate reward

So when you are out “priming the corners,” enjoy the manifestations of the Spirit as it testifies how to show charity to those you are serving, the ultimate “sticky” tool of priming :D!

*********

Now, to the next point :D. Sorry if I am a little wordy, but I am trying to follow the Spirit which has to work with my inadequacies :D.

Dum, dum, dum!!!! Life after the mission...

One thing that is daunting about “the next phase” is that things no longer have an age time frame. Until now, your life has been marked by year markers: 5 start kindergarten, 8 get baptized, 12 enter youth program, 18 graduate and serve mission, 20...??? The next “goals” (marriage, schooling, eternal life) are now no longer on “year” deadlines. You basically are staring time in the face. It is a beautiful thing. Step forward. Embrace it. You are now comissioned to shape eternity, to decide what you will do with it...for is not that what it is to be God?

Satan's plan was a pre-set package: no confusion, no worries. All clearly spelled out, a step-by-(maybe even hourly!)-step specifically marked for everyone. The result? A lot of people who “made it back to God” but are nothing like Him. People who never discovered how to choose, how to “fail” (or just try something that didn't work!) and try again.

You date someone, it “fails”...good thing! It is probably because you were incompatible in the long run! You try a major, you change and try another, and another, and another...and just like in Pres. Holland's “wrong roads” talk, you not only gain the experience from all those extra classes but you get a clearer certainty that the road ahead of you is truly the one you want. No doubts at 40 years old that you never “found your passion,” no “what if I had tried Marketing or Pea-shooting as a career and loved it.” God promises that if we consecrate our lives to Him, everything...everything (even and perhaps especially the perceived “failures”) will be for our good!

As I have seen the reality of post-mission transition for my own son and in the lives of so many good and dear young men and women around me, it has been often on my mind. What truths can guide us in this phase? I keep thinking about Nephi and Lehi's journey in the wilderness (8 years!!) and feel prompted to share that it might be a good resource for you to prayerfully study, looking for parallels in your future life. I re-read it just the other day and found a bundle!!

As I said on Sunday, just because you are off your mission, God doesn't stop guiding you. Every day you can seek His counsel, His wisdom. And just like in the mission field, you may not see an immediate result every day, or even every year. Maybe you are just priming for a future amazing life. God knows the corners that need to be primed in your life for future “stickiness” or effectiveness. Humbly and happily seek His direction just as fervently as you did in the mission field. Seek mentors, like your leaders and Mission president were for you, people who have gone forth in the areas you want to improve in: spiritual, relationships, education, recreation.

For is God not just as vested in--and concerned about and mindful of--your future life as He is in your missionary work?

Missionary work. Home life. It is all the work of God. Perhaps that is one thing that missions are for: to show you that God has a work for you, that He is in the details, that His ways don't always make sense!! (Another fruit of seminary: 1 Corinthians 1:25...check it out!) Hey, ah-hah! It is like I was saying earlier about the “time markers.” For those of us who need “the next step,” our early years help us transition to life. Perhaps mission life is like that: something that helps us transition to life-long servers of Christ who seek God's guidance in all things and have a deep testimony of His work that encompasses the lives of all of His children, even yours. :D

You two are great young men! I am so grateful to have the opportunity to have you in our home every week for meals. We will try to do better to invite others to share those meals with us so more can be blessed. Know you are loved of God and that your work—every aspect of it—is a blessing to our ward and appreciated by many.

Respectfully yours,

Sister Mary Biesinger

The Staff Has Been Raised

Yesterday, at the end of the day, I was having so many negative thoughts:

-I can't get ahead

-I am not meeting the needs of my kids

The mud room was still torn apart from my "cleaning"...without inspiration on how to put it together again. Liesl was screaming after a day of shortened naps so I wasn't able to focus on anything, particularly the phone call with Tova that I was trying to have with a sore ear. I just felt dark and negative.

Then I realized that I had been here emotionally before! For years when I was a young mom, I would say to Quinn, when he came home from work, "I have had a long day." I was back!

Last night, in the middle of the night, as I struggled with these demons of depression, the message from last conference struck home: read the Book of Mormom; say your prayers; so the basics. I have been mulling over this in my mind. Tova's devotional covered the same message yesterday at college. I feel like the serpent has been raised on the staff and we are all dying around it because of the easiness of the way. So, last night, in the middle of the night, demons raging, I lay on the floor on my kid's floor and by the light of the nightlight, I read 1 Nephi 17.

In that chapter, Laman and Lemuel are complaining again despite the many miracles that have been demonstrated in their lives. I was gently rebuked, reminded that God can work miracles in my life and in fact has worked them around me currently if I open my eyes to see them...and here I was murmuring like Laman and Lemuel! "What I have is not enough!"

In that chapter there is a series of verses where Nephi challenges the disbelief of his brethren and the words rang true for me:"And now after the many miracles that have been wrought in your life, how can you murmur against the marvelous visions that God has promised for us in this life? If God said that I could make this valley a mountain and dry up the sea, I could do that...so why can't He not bring peace and joy into your life?" (Greatly paraphrasing and personally adapting...)

So how to find this joy?

I am going to test this. Every time I feel discouraged, sad, overwhelmed or depressed, I am going to turn first to God and "look at His staff," the word of God. The seed is planted.

Hair in the Drain

I thought I would be transparent as to the content for those whose stomachs roil at the thought of such delights as are in the title (Dad :D...)

A few years ago I was on a "date" with Quinn, which essentially means that we are together with no children. :D  He was doing an appraisal at the time and I was wandering around this beautiful little property in town.  The random thought came to mind: "All things testify that there is a Christ."

And, good Christian that I am, my thoughts replied: Oh yah?  Right.  I am a little bit of a challenger/skeptic when it comes to, well, pretty much anything that isn't from a source I have tested and tried (like the prophet, church, etc.) and I thought I was carrying this literal interpretation a little too far.

So I tried it.

And I found Christ-centered application to Gospel principles in everything I saw: from the spring buds on the plum tree to the grass growing through the cracks in the sidewalk.  As my mind pondered in wonder, the thought came: "You are just contriving these."  Well, the fact was that the truths are certain--uncontrived--and if cracks in the sidewalk remind me of God's love for me? That can't be bad.

This morning, I was dealing with my usual struggle during "doing my hair": hair breaking off all over the place.  The nature of my thick naturally curly hair to break off has remained through all kinds of hair treatment experiments so it is just the way it is. 

Unfortunately for my drains.

It is crazy how just a few strands here and there, innocently washed down the sink, can catch and hold further down and really stop things up later.  As I carefully caught the loose strands entwined in my fingers before I rinsed my hands, throwing them in the garbage, I wondered at how something so little can be so annoying later.

It's kind of like sin, Mary, came the thought. Just a little bit, seemingly innocent, can really "stop your drains" later.

Truths of Christ testified in all things, indeed! was my chuckling internal reply.

Alma 30:39 Now Alma said unto him: Will ye deny again that there is a God, and also deny the Christ? For behold, I say unto you, I know there is a God, and also that Christ shall come.

40 And now what evidence have ye that there is no God, or that Christ cometh not? I say unto you that ye have none, save it be your word only.

41 But, behold, I have all things as a testimony that these things are true; and ye also have all things as a testimony unto you that they are true; and will ye deny them? Believest thou that these things are true?

"Hold it all together"

"JUST BE HELD"
By Casting Crowns

Hold it all together

Everybody needs you strong

This feels so real right now!  The responsibility of everything.

But life hits you out of nowhere

And barely leaves you holding on

And I have felt like it is by my fingernails lately! I have tried to eliminate so much and still my life seems to be getting busier and busier!  The Spirit told me to "let it go" a few days ago, that the heavenly expectations of me were on hold for a while...and yet this morning I woke up almost in tears to try and finish preparation for seminary 20 minutes before it started after a restless night with my baby.  Oh so tired...what more could I eliminate?

And when you’re tired of fighting

Oh so tired...

Chained by your control

This is an interesting idea: chained by the control we try to keep over our lives and the lives of those around us.  "Control" in my case looks like: maintain a loose schedule, food, cleaning, accountability.  Recently, it has just been self-control and seeking to demand enough discipline of myself that I can read what I "need" to read, serve who I "need" to serve.  I have been telling myself that if I just visualize, ponderize, whatever-ize enough, then I should be making at least a little perceived "headway" in my life...and yet?  I just feel "chained."

There’s freedom in surrender

This morning, I pled with God on my knees: "Please help me. I just can't do anything anymore.  Please give me Thy strength." 
I didn't really feel anything. I got up.  Seminary happened.  Everyone was there, even the girl who never comes.  They had fun; felt the Spirit. We made a battle plan to fight Satan.  Food happened despite no milk in the house and tired brain...in the middle of seminary and the class didn't derail.  

Piper and Lily did little things (totally inspired!) that kept me in line: simple things like quietly wiping down the machine I had just exercised on while I efficiently wiped down the wrong machine just next to it on accident, lol.

Little answers to prayer.  Little ways He has sent people to make up for what I "lack."  And I just surrendered.

A beautiful answer to my prayer this morning came as one of those little things: Lily asked if we could skip a song on our cd that we have heard often lately. The next one, "Just Be Held."  Surrender.

Lay it down and let it go.

It is time.

CHORUS:

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

And they have!  For so long!

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

I have asked, pled, and blasted out in frustration about feeling alone.  He has been there all along, waiting for me to let go.

Your world's not falling apart, its falling into place

I have so many dreams and goals.  It feels like no matter the visualization, the planning, the sheer inertia and raw power I try to exert, it is never enough.  

Maybe it is because I need to stop and watch.  I feel like God told me to stop fighting to keep going in the direction I have been and to step back and watch it fall into place.

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm

And it is oh, so stormy! I am reminded of the experience with Peter walking on the water.*  There is so much that needs fixing in me, in the world...so much opportunity for growth and service!

You’ll wonder if I love you still

I have wondered...

But if your eyes are on the cross

This reminds me of the scene in the desert outside Egypt when the Israelites were smitten with a plague.  All they had to do was look up at the serpent on the cross and they would be healed.  In lessons with others, we have scorned the Israelites for their skepticism, but maybe they were desperately looking for some plant, some remedy that would give them reprieve. Maybe their eyes were focused on dear ones that were dying or dead...mourning.
 I mean, how could something as simple as just looking--
or just letting go-- 
save us?

You’ll know I always have and I always will

He has. 

When we struggled with almost a year of financial insecurity, living off of savings and food storage and we realized it was the propulsion to a life-changing adventure in Hungary.

When the groups I had spent so long building went through "storms" and emerged in the hands of others as beautiful, productive and unique opportunities for youth to shine.

When I ran over Isaak almost 15 years ago and could still feel God in my life.

When I struggled with years of depression and woke up one morning to one morning free of it only to have it return shortly later...but that one moment!

When I emotionally and verbally lash out at my husband or children when the inner demons storm...and He heals them, protects them.

And not a tear is wasted

Listening to this, as tears streamed down my cheeks...He counts every one

In time, you’ll understand

This feels so beautifully right, right now

I’m painting beauty with the ashes

And He has so much to paint with...

Your life is in My hands

CHORUS:

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

Lift your hands, lift your eyes

In the storm is where you’ll find Me

Sometimes blessings come through rain drops**...

If I wasn't going through this storm, I may not have felt the need to let go.

And I never would have felt Him cradle and hold me:

So carefully,

So completely...

And where you are, I’ll hold your heart

I’ll hold your heart

Come to Me, find your rest

In the arms of the God who won't let go

CHORUS:

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

It feels so sweet right now, His holding me.  
It feels like those nights I rocked back and forth on my bed in fetal position, reliving the moments of Isaak's death so many years ago. While the storms raged inside, I can look back and recognize that He was holding me from without.

Can He do it again?

Can He help us get to our farm without me pushing, pushing, pushing myself?
Can He help do those things that our community need, that my family needs, that I need right now?  Or even do them for me...if I can only get out of the way with all my planning and "control"?

I just feel so tired; I feel like He wants me to let go.  Take a break.  Rediscover the joy of why I am here, why I am in a family, why I live the Gospel.  Look at the beauty of the world around me, the unfolding of spring. The beauty of this amazing property we have been given.  Th beauty of the relationships that are around me.

His holding me this morning as I wept while listening to this song felt so real, so present, so complete.

*

**

"Gifts from the Sea" Thoughts

I have just gathered some thoughts and discussions from a current mentoring group I am in relative to this book on this post so I can keep it even after I leave the mentoring group. I don't know that it will have particular interest to anyone else, but I do highly recommend reading Anne Lindbergh's "Gifts from the Sea" with the question in your heart: "What can I learn from her words?"

Anne compares our relationships with other people as a dance. I loved it! It gave me a good visual about many current relationships I have. Different relationships have different "dancing" styles: formal, intimate, care-free, minimal interaction. They vary with rhythm, frequency and intensity. When we "dance" with someone, you need to be on the same page, dancing the same dance, or it makes the dance unsuccessful or awkward. We need to take the time to communicate with our "dance partner" or at least evaluate the possible expectations of each other in a "dance." And viewing relationships this way we can identify the patterns, beauty and grace that can exist in a myriad of relationships.

*************

I loved the mentor prompt to read this book on level 5: what message does this book have for me to transform my life? One of the questions that always hovers in my heart as a mother is how to "balance" everything I want to do in my life in my many roles as wife, mother, friend, student, daughter, etc. It has been a long time since a classic has answered this question so personally for me.

One way it answered me was in the chapter of the moon shell. She was talking about the need for stillness: "Woman must be the pioneer in this turning inward for strength...Less able, until the last generation, to escape into outward activities the very limitations of her life forced her to look inward. And from looking inward she gained an inner strength which man i his outward active life did not as often find." I once heard that the mindless repetition of our daily tasks gives our minds time to wander and ponder while our hands are busy. We have lost this in a world full of noise. While this noise is often valuable (listening to inspiring music or talks while doing chores), we have lost the valuable resource of silence. The voice of the universe, the Holy Spirit, your inner self...whatever you want to call it...can most effectively speak to us in silence. I liked that it reminded me that my very limitations are in fact often a good thing. These limitations also force us to prioritize, making constant choices as to what is most important, where our priorities are.

This thought by Anne is followed up by the beautiful end quote of the chapter: "You (the moon shell) will reminde me that unlses I keep the island-quality intact somewhere within me, I will have little to give my husband, my children, my friends or the world at large. Youw ill remind me that woman must be still as the axis of the wheel (love this!) in the midst of her activities; that she must be the pioneer in achieving this stillness, not only for her own salvation, but for the salvation of family life, of society, perhaps even of our civilization." (pg 57, 59 in my book)

This reminds me of an article I listened to on the radio about the severe emotional/mental problems women face when transitioning back into civilian life from the military. The direction of the broadcast was geared towards unresolved sexual harrassment, but the thought crossed my mind, "perhaps it is that the nature of military training and combat runs so counter to the natural woman's role." Now, that doesn't meant I don't believe there isn't a place for a woman in the military, but I wondered if something necessary for the feminine psyche is missing from the intense outward demands of military life?

Just now, I was forced to stop what I was doing on the computer to go and address the needs of my 2 month old. Simple yet constant interruptions like this make me constantly evaluate what I am doing, is it important enough to put in front of the needs of my other responsibilities, etc. "The very limitations of our lives" indeed provide a wisdom and refocusing on what truly matters.

My overall answer that came from this book for me in my life at this time and season was that it is not a question of "balancing," a word that I shudder from simply because the idea of balance runs so counter in my mind to the many different fluctuating demands of my life. I realized it was more a question of "demands": what are the demands in my life? who is making them? do I accept them as needing to be dealt with?" I feel like Anne exposed the demand demons that lurk unacknowledged but ever-present in our lives and forced me to confront them, a painful but cleansing process.

***************

From "Sami": 

My sister is a journalist, the editor of her local paper. It drives her crazy that I don't watch the news or read the paper. Anne says, "modern communication loads us with more problems that the human frame can carry. ... My life cannot implement in action the demands of all the people to whom my heart responds." I loved this. This, this is exactly the reason I don't watch the news. I cannot help, over there in Africa, over there in San Francisco, out there in Utah. There is beauty here, I can help right here. In my home, in my neighborhood. I can feed the elderly couple a few blocks away. I can lift the spirits of my lonely neighbor. I can focus right here and respond to my heart right here. I can bloom where I am planted. Now, I have something better to tell my sister. 

My other favorite thing from this book was the call to simplicity. "Simplicity of living, as much as possible, to retain a true awareness of life. Balance of physical, intellectual and spiritual life. Work without pressure. (what is that?)" Coming out of being quite sick for a matter of years, I yearn for simplicity. For the to do list to be meaningful. When Anne described the first day with her sister, making breakfast together, doing the dishes together, then separately working, then coming together again, I felt drawn in. To do what is necessary and still have time for wanted work and needed quiet appeals to me ever so much. Is it possible to begin a relationship in this phase? or no?

Me:

I, too, loved the beauty captured in that day with her sister. It resonates in my heart with something I struggle with: structure time and not content. I loved the idea that I can be working on my tasks next to my children and we can feel a connection without me having to be directly interacting with what they are doing! I love how you put "to do what is necessary and still have time for wanted work and needed quiet." I guess my struggle is to figure out what is truly necessary?

Rachel:

Sami, your comment in passing about coming out of being quite sick for several years gave me the unexpected (but obvious) answer to the question in my mind: How has she taken to this so completely, and her children responded so well, in such a short amount of time? The possible answer, in my mind, is that your sickness primed everyone for it perfectly. The family's core was in sync. There was a harmonious dynamic, an empathy for you and each other, that allowed you to lead out on a path they could trust and "feel," because your family was not fractured by disparate experiences and rhythms. I wonder what you think of this analysis?

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Trena:

I'm intrigued by so many of Anne's ideas. It makes me laugh because the first time I read this book I did not get anything out of it. I wrote no notes and was not looking forward to reading it again. My book is now covered in notes and I want to read it annually. Anne brings up the idea of alone time. How we don't get enough alone time. We fill the silence with noise whether it be radio or television and certainly in my case, social media. She says, "If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others." Later she says, "You will remind me that I must try to be alone for part of each year, even a week or a few days; and for part of each day, even for and hour or a few minutes in order to keep my core, my center, my island-quality. You will remind me that unless I keep the island-quality intact somewhere within me, I will have little to give my husband, my children, my friends or the world at large." While I have to remind myself that a week to myself is not part of my season of life, if I get a few minutes or hours, I am grateful. A few years ago I was invited to a ladies night without kids. One friend told us her husband encouraged her to go to the ladies night because he knew it would help her. She could have her "alone" time without kids for a few hours and return with new found energy to be the mom/wife she wanted to be.

Sami:

I feel the same way, I did not want to even read this book. I have been away from my children for a week, on a cruise, with my sister. I slept the first two days. It was as Anne said, "For me, the break is the most difficult. Parting is inevitably painful, even for a short time." And yet, if I don't get time to myself daily, I start to feel frantic. Chaotic. For me, to totally leave my children is unacceptable, but I must be alone for a bit of everyday. I purposely get up before they do. The ironic thing is, I like to be alone, there is just a guilt bit if I leave them too long. Something that says I should be doing this or that for them. I try really hard not to should on myself. Anne says people don't like being alone. I don't find that true for me. I don't need the radio, I prefer the silence, or the waves.

Me:

I wonder if it is possible to be alone while doing the things that are "necessary" as Anne puts it in our daily routine? Rachel mentioned it in the debriefing video, I believe--the solitude found in doing laundry. I find it when nursing my baby at night. Perhaps we could adopt the idea from the next video about globalism (?) by DeMille for next month where he says that we can approach what we do with an investment mentality or an "entertainment" or escape mentality. Perhaps we can add another mentality: chore mentality. How do we approach our daliy tasks? Do we see laundry, nursing or washing dishes as a chance to be centered and calm or do we see it as a punishment for not training our children better, lol :D?

I resonate with the challenge of finding needed "alone" time while feeling guilt about leaving the little ones. I had a lesson on this lately during a trip to Utah. We live in New York now and have not been home for 2 1/2 years. (Apparently, I still view Utah as "home.") Our entire family had expectations for the trip that I tried to schedule in. I realized mine was to be able to talk to several people, to reconnect with them. After about the third such visit, I found that it was a challenge to organizing such an experience in light of the needs of my many children who were with me. To just leave them time and again to visit with friends felt unacceptable during our brief family vacation time. As one of my last visits fell through I realized I could just call this dear friend! That way my kids would be in their own safe environment, I could connect with my friend...and maybe even get the dishes done! I had created an expectation that "reconnect" needed to be face to face...but it didn't.

Following through with this idea, I called her yesterday, about a week after we got home and we had a fantastic, renewing, recentering conversation while she snuggled with her sick babies on her couch and I took care of my own kids. While I wasn't technically alone, it was restorative time, which I believe is the same thing we are talking about here. Perhaps one of the keys to finding this rejuvenation is to recognize elements already in our lives that would accommodate this and embrace them?

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Kirsty:

For me, the idea from Reeve Lindbergh in the foreword encapsulates so much of what I gathered from this book. The notion that the book offers 'a kind of freedom' - the 'freedom that comes from choosing to remain open....to life itself, whatever it brings......always, change.' As Anne suggests, the one constant in life is change; whether through our own making or through the circumstances of life. How we face those changes in relationships, roles, work, health, family, etc.... certainly determines our experience of life. They are as inevitable as the waves of the sea. They bring us joy, challenge, heart break, growth. But our attitudes to ourself, our acceptance of what life brings, and the desires that motivate us all determine what our part of the world will look like. Far too often I feel like the life I dream of is not actually the life I am living because there is this desire for more, for better, for improvement. But in actual fact, there is plenty to enjoy right where I am, playing to my strengths, loving those God has put in my path and continuing to be open to life, to love and to learning.

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I thought the comparison to being the center of the spokes of a wheel was a beautiful analogy. It rang true with further application to my relationship with my husband. He is truly like the outer part of the wheel, dealing with the world of providing and protecting our family while I feel more like the heart of our home connecting us all together and supporting and sustaining. Neither one works well without the other;each has different roles, complementary roles. 

I think there are many truths about healthy husband/wife relationships that can be found through application of this analogy and have had fun exploring them. I am aware that no analogy is perfect within itself nor applicable to every situation or person but this one resonates with me!

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I felt like Anne's depiction of how a woman interacts with the world was spot on for me. The visual of a woman being at the center of a wheel with her attention being drawn out to many needs was particularly poignant as I have been struggling with this very situation. I feel so pulled, wanting to interact and meet the needs of so many around me, all the while yearning for the "philosophical peace and calm" she refers to...that quiet center of stability.

It seems that she seemed to suggest to do both wasn't really possible: to be outwardly focused in meeting needs and to be able to create that inward philosophical calm. She seemed to suggest that this is part of what creates angst in many women. Thoughts?

Kirsty:

The old cliche response of 'seasons' springs to mind for me Mary. I really don't think we can do it all, all of the time. But perhaps we shouldn't even hope to be able too. In this season of a 4 and 7 year old in our home, there are things I will be able to do better now than I will do them as the boys get older. And the opposite is true of some things too. I think determining our personal and family values and assessing opportunities and experiences that come our way against those might help us know better what to say yes or no to. My thoughts anyway.

Me:

The imagery of the ocean keeps standing out to me as I read all these comments :D, like I am hearing waves in the background as I read about times, seasons, assessing. Perhaps the old cliches are around for a reason, right? Because they are so true?
Okay...so why is it so stinkin' hard sometimes to embrace seasons?? I can see it from the outside, but when it actually comes down to planning out my day, I find that I always try to plan it to the max, regardless of my season. I am a little intense. Perhaps it is good that I had 12 children so it would be impossible for me to smother any one child with my intensity, lol :).

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My husband and I have been reading this aloud to each other. When I asked him what he didn't like he said that he didn't like how she brought up vague symbolism but wasn't really clear what it represented. He said it is a hard book to listen to. When I asked him what would make a self-improving book easier to listen to, he suggested direct statements and stories to reinforce the point. I thought this was an interesting contrast between his mode of thinking and speaking and my own :). I tend to be philosophical and scattered in thinking and communicating; he is to the point with comments and loves to give supportive examples. This book is definitely right along my lines of thinking!

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Holly:

"The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient... To dig for treasures shows not only impatience and greed, but lack of faith." p11 WOW, this brings so many things to my mind that it is almost overwhelming. Childbirth is faith. Core phase is faith, Love of learning is faith, scholar phase is faith... even my own phases when I attempt to push them I feel out of balance. When I ponder, pray and ask for the guidance of God books fall open to the perfect page I need.

Me:

This statement really hit home to me as well! I too often seek for immediate results of behavior and have a hard time being patient. I like the different examples of faith you gave, even tying childbirth into that process. I hadn't thought of that before. Life is faith. Waking up and starting each new day requires a degree of faith.

Your last statment reminds me of something a friend told me years ago. I had just come home from a TJEd seminary and was contemplating which mentor I should choose to direct me to the next step. I brought this up to my friend and she asked me for what kind of mentor I was looking for. "I don't know," I replied. "Someone to really help me see the next step and give me direction in my life."

"God is the ultimate mentor, Mary," she said. "He can mentor you in incredible ways. You just have to trust Him."

I have found your statement true many times in my own life. I think it is interesting how I can feel inspired to pick up a particular book as well as inspired when to put it down. It is almost a sensation of "you have gotten what you need out of that one; now move on." Sometimes I am inspired to skim; sometimes to absorb...when I chose to listen and act. :) I have had incredible experiences where I will read an article or pick up a random book and read a little and find that what I just read is relevant soon thereafter in a conversation or problem that arises. That faith in our ultimate Mentor can really create miracles in our hectic lives when we let it!

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Ian:

There is a second main idea that really struck me that I really wanted to share. The environment.
Lindbergh made sure she set up her environment to be as conducive to her purpose and goals as possible.

Our environment can be one of our greatest assets or one of our worst nightmares. Don't you think?

Me:

This statement about the role of environment is my answer to your original question. My big ah-hah so far from this book has been to simplify, simplify, simplify!! After reading the "Channeled Whelk" chapter, I was impressed with the idea that American's have probably the greatest ability to choose simplicity or complexity in life and we so often choose complexity. I remember living in Hungary in a one bedroom apartment with 9 children and having to do our laundry by hand and shop for groceries without a car. The former was done in spite of storms and subsequent clothes in the mud and the latter with only a stroller that I got to drive up a steep hill on the way home. However, I remember being amazed at how I still had the time to do the same schooling, the same bonding experiences as a family that we had been able to do in America. Sometimes the many things we possess to make our lives "simpler" actually get in the way!

Her cottage on the shore comes to mind now as I am going through a deep-clean purge of our house pre-Christmas holiday. I shared Anne's thoughts with my kids during our devotional with the sounds of the ocean from our computer creating an ambience :). They thought it was pretty cool and some of them joined me. My daughter moving out to college in Idaho said it changed what she realized she needed to bring (which will probably free up a lot of van space when we drive cross-country to drop her off :D!). I love the perfect timing of this book in my life.

I also find it is interesting that this book follows "Dumbing Us Down" in this course. The ideas in "Dumbing Us Down" can really make us want to take on the the world. Following that motivating book with one on simplicity and appreciation has been an interesting and benefical contrast for me. Does anyone else have any thoughts on the positioning of these two books back to back? Would the mentors who planned it this way be willing to share their reasoning?

Rachel:

Dumbing us Down has stood as a witness from one with a unique and authoritative perspective that today's mainstream educational system does not nurture or reward individual genius, creativity or innovation. It stands as a challenge and an invitation to define our own educational ideals, describing in uncompromising terms the need for the type of education we'll pursue in this series.

Lindbergh's Gift from the Sea simply cannot be read incorrectly; it is all about pondering, applying it to your life, thinking creatively, intuitively, authentically. Careful thought has gone into the succession from Gatto to Lindbergh - the former being an exposition of what is wrong, the latter, a "healing" book; first the "tell", then the "show."

And while Gatto gives us a template for seeing what is wrong, the audio mentoring for Lindbergh gives a template for finding what is good, right and true, and how to apply it on a personal level, and in our mentoring.

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Ian:

I love the value she gives for personal reflection, thinking, and for being at peace. Taking the personal time for rejuvenating and re-energizing oneself. We live in a society that highly values hard labor, both blue collar and white collar work. We downplay the value of thinking and pondering work; which can be the most valuable, it is definitely a vital part of fulfilling one's mission and achieving great success.

This book was tough for me, I have a hard time slowing down and smelling the roses... But it is a large part of a Leadership Education; learning how to think.

Me:

Amen! I found this book, from necessity, made me slow down in order to savor the truths and really reflect on how to apply them because they were so deep. So true.

Knowing what I do now of the pain of her experiences makes me remember anew the collateral beauty of perspective that can come through heart ache and trials. (We just watched "Collateral Beauty" starring Will Smith so this concept is fresh on my mind.) Times of extreme emotion can cause us to see things more clearly through the starkness of being stripped emotionally down to the core. Her trials I am sure added to her clarity of perspective.