"Hold it all together"

"JUST BE HELD"
By Casting Crowns

Hold it all together

Everybody needs you strong

This feels so real right now!  The responsibility of everything.

But life hits you out of nowhere

And barely leaves you holding on

And I have felt like it is by my fingernails lately! I have tried to eliminate so much and still my life seems to be getting busier and busier!  The Spirit told me to "let it go" a few days ago, that the heavenly expectations of me were on hold for a while...and yet this morning I woke up almost in tears to try and finish preparation for seminary 20 minutes before it started after a restless night with my baby.  Oh so tired...what more could I eliminate?

And when you’re tired of fighting

Oh so tired...

Chained by your control

This is an interesting idea: chained by the control we try to keep over our lives and the lives of those around us.  "Control" in my case looks like: maintain a loose schedule, food, cleaning, accountability.  Recently, it has just been self-control and seeking to demand enough discipline of myself that I can read what I "need" to read, serve who I "need" to serve.  I have been telling myself that if I just visualize, ponderize, whatever-ize enough, then I should be making at least a little perceived "headway" in my life...and yet?  I just feel "chained."

There’s freedom in surrender

This morning, I pled with God on my knees: "Please help me. I just can't do anything anymore.  Please give me Thy strength." 
I didn't really feel anything. I got up.  Seminary happened.  Everyone was there, even the girl who never comes.  They had fun; felt the Spirit. We made a battle plan to fight Satan.  Food happened despite no milk in the house and tired brain...in the middle of seminary and the class didn't derail.  

Piper and Lily did little things (totally inspired!) that kept me in line: simple things like quietly wiping down the machine I had just exercised on while I efficiently wiped down the wrong machine just next to it on accident, lol.

Little answers to prayer.  Little ways He has sent people to make up for what I "lack."  And I just surrendered.

A beautiful answer to my prayer this morning came as one of those little things: Lily asked if we could skip a song on our cd that we have heard often lately. The next one, "Just Be Held."  Surrender.

Lay it down and let it go.

It is time.

CHORUS:

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

And they have!  For so long!

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

I have asked, pled, and blasted out in frustration about feeling alone.  He has been there all along, waiting for me to let go.

Your world's not falling apart, its falling into place

I have so many dreams and goals.  It feels like no matter the visualization, the planning, the sheer inertia and raw power I try to exert, it is never enough.  

Maybe it is because I need to stop and watch.  I feel like God told me to stop fighting to keep going in the direction I have been and to step back and watch it fall into place.

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm

And it is oh, so stormy! I am reminded of the experience with Peter walking on the water.*  There is so much that needs fixing in me, in the world...so much opportunity for growth and service!

You’ll wonder if I love you still

I have wondered...

But if your eyes are on the cross

This reminds me of the scene in the desert outside Egypt when the Israelites were smitten with a plague.  All they had to do was look up at the serpent on the cross and they would be healed.  In lessons with others, we have scorned the Israelites for their skepticism, but maybe they were desperately looking for some plant, some remedy that would give them reprieve. Maybe their eyes were focused on dear ones that were dying or dead...mourning.
 I mean, how could something as simple as just looking--
or just letting go-- 
save us?

You’ll know I always have and I always will

He has. 

When we struggled with almost a year of financial insecurity, living off of savings and food storage and we realized it was the propulsion to a life-changing adventure in Hungary.

When the groups I had spent so long building went through "storms" and emerged in the hands of others as beautiful, productive and unique opportunities for youth to shine.

When I ran over Isaak almost 15 years ago and could still feel God in my life.

When I struggled with years of depression and woke up one morning to one morning free of it only to have it return shortly later...but that one moment!

When I emotionally and verbally lash out at my husband or children when the inner demons storm...and He heals them, protects them.

And not a tear is wasted

Listening to this, as tears streamed down my cheeks...He counts every one

In time, you’ll understand

This feels so beautifully right, right now

I’m painting beauty with the ashes

And He has so much to paint with...

Your life is in My hands

CHORUS:

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

Lift your hands, lift your eyes

In the storm is where you’ll find Me

Sometimes blessings come through rain drops**...

If I wasn't going through this storm, I may not have felt the need to let go.

And I never would have felt Him cradle and hold me:

So carefully,

So completely...

And where you are, I’ll hold your heart

I’ll hold your heart

Come to Me, find your rest

In the arms of the God who won't let go

CHORUS:

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

It feels so sweet right now, His holding me.  
It feels like those nights I rocked back and forth on my bed in fetal position, reliving the moments of Isaak's death so many years ago. While the storms raged inside, I can look back and recognize that He was holding me from without.

Can He do it again?

Can He help us get to our farm without me pushing, pushing, pushing myself?
Can He help do those things that our community need, that my family needs, that I need right now?  Or even do them for me...if I can only get out of the way with all my planning and "control"?

I just feel so tired; I feel like He wants me to let go.  Take a break.  Rediscover the joy of why I am here, why I am in a family, why I live the Gospel.  Look at the beauty of the world around me, the unfolding of spring. The beauty of this amazing property we have been given.  Th beauty of the relationships that are around me.

His holding me this morning as I wept while listening to this song felt so real, so present, so complete.

*

**