Today is our memorial day for our dear son, Isaak.
--the resurrection for the promise that we will be able to see him again, well and whole...that I'll be able to hold my little boy again.
--the Atonement of Jesus Christ for the power of healing it has not only worked in my life but that continues to work to cleanse and heal us so that we may be ready to enjoy our little boy in the presence of our Father and His Son.
Our little lamb will come home....
...or rather, we will be brought home to join him.
I remember that morning, the circle waffles that we enjoyed. I remember wrangling the kids to get them ready for school and that Kel tried to carry Isaak to the van in his arms, so his little bare-foot brother could go to school with him that day even though we couldn't find his shoes. I remember the night before when, facing his sadness that he had lost a toy football at the other kids' soccer practice, that I actually went with him to retrieve it, rather than do my usual, "Don't worry about it!" I remember coming back to the house and enjoying my little ones while I tried to make sense of the everyday mess that comes with having five little ones 6 and under.
I remember every personal detail--horror and miracle--that followed in the trauma of losing my little Isaak, watching him leave our family and feeling so many emotions; details that I have relived again and again.
I remember Kel's sweet bouncing voice the next morning as he came joyfully out of his room, sharing with us that he had not only had a dream in which he had seen Isaak in heaven, but that he was told that Jesus would be coming again soon and that we would all be together again...soon.
I know God's timing is not our own. I have felt different times in my life since then when the veil is oh, so thin and our little man is oh so near. I know he has helped to prompt me to watch over his siblings when they needed an extra special watch. I know that he is there playing with them in heaven before they come down to join our family. I know that he is excited as we are to be a part of our football games and fun.
"Isaak" means "he laugheth" and how well that always suited him! He was hot and cold, feisty as any three year old with a gentle and soft side to him that made him like a big teddy bear. And oh, how he loved to laugh!! However, just recently I discovered a new level of meaning to that definition of his name. Abraham named his son Isaac because he and Sarai laughed when they were told by God that they would have a son in their old age.
They laughed because they couldn't see how God could do that miracle.
Oh, how truly that definition applies to our situation as well...
On that day, it was so hard to see how we would ever be happy again.
It was so hard to believe that our family could feel whole again.
It was impossible to see how I could be forgiven and healed.
While there was no laughter that day that we lost our little boy from this earthly existence, there was a lot of shared doubt with that old couple and their experience with their own Isaac. Maybe less doubt and more inability to see how things could change--how we could experience happiness, togetherness and healing. Maybe that was why that ancient couple laughed. Sometimes it is just so hard to see the miracles God works with our sorrows.
In hindsight, I have learned how the soul can mourn and love and find a settled peace. I know that God was there that day. orchestrating all the help and healing that was possible in the face of so much horror. I know that my Isaak was whisked up to heaven in the arms of Jesus, sparing him all the hurt that God could. I know that the Holy Ghost was there, buffering and soothing the extreme intensity of so grave a moment when one of God's own little ones is killed.
I testify of the healing that can come as through the years I have been blessed with angels on both side of the veil to help me see more clearly the collateral beauty that comes through grief and pain.
But most of all, I testify that I will see my little boy again. I love my Isaak, my little mischievous, feisty son. I am grateful for the journaled pages I have of his short life, the pictures and videos that were in miraculous abundance the year before his death so we can remember so many of his words and mannerisms.
I miss him. It is amazing how the absence of one can be felt among so many but I have felt it each time one of my children has left us--temporarily or for longer duration. But the beautiful blessing of the Atonement assures me that no matter our paths and duration on that path, we can be a forever family once again. Today we will spend the day with those of our family that are here with us, eating circle waffles, playing together, watching Isaak videos, looking over photos and sharing memories. And I know his presence will be felt.
I love his focus on cars. I love his passion for doing everything that big people do...especially anything that included mud, water, balls or especially, his beloved siblings. I love the love our immediate and extended family shared for Isaak and the color he brought into all of our lives. Someday I'll figure out how to upload our memorial video on YouTube for our family to share, but until that day I pray that they will all find peace and joy on this day as they remember our barefoot, personality-filled little Isaa-boo. <3
