Hey! Super cool epiphany (and it's super cool that the epiphany is exciting; God's ways are mysterious!): I'm a narcissist! God has really shown me how much like my little Xai that I am--sweet heart, but seriously a little obsessed with both my own ideas (case in point, how much I download everywhere!), but also with avoiding pain. But it feels super hopeful and wonderful! Like a piece of the puzzle has been slid into place...a healthy place.
And then I opened up to Jacob 4:7 this morning: God shows us our weaknesses that we may know that it is by His power and grace etc that we have power. Seeing myself in the context of Xai and a friend's recent divorce and her reasons why, and then seeing them both through the benevolent lens of narcissists from a recent Brene Brown book I read is super cool! (Basically, narcissists operate out of a place of pain and trauma.) Exciting, humbling in such a good way. Jacob 4:10: seek not to counsel the Lord but to take counsel from his hand...ye know that he counseleth in wisdom....and in great mercy.
I had been reflecting upon a few things. Xai is super obsessed with avoiding pain. I can see that in myself. Even the lengths I will go to to avoid future pain. Many of the obsessive ways that I do things is to minimize the pain that I might feel…kind of symbolized by how I go after a sliver. I know it will hurt more in the long run so I dig deep and fast and hard, sometimes perhaps inflicting more pain than my child would experience in the long run. Okay, maybe I’m not quite that militaristic about it, but maybe as a real life analogy I am, sadly. How much pain do I inflict, operating out of fear of future pain?
Xai is also full of great ideas–that he can’t wait to share with everyone around him. He has a hard time listening to others he is so full of his own ideas. He also has a super sweet heart. SO I can see these both in me. I have no bad intent. I’m just a little hyper aware of my own thoughts and am super excited about them and share, share, share! I’m not completely unaware of those around me. I have become increasingly aware of it over the years and through experiences. In fact, I feel like one collateral beauty of the horrible experience with Isaak really made me start thinking of other people, the pain they feel, and the redemptive power of the Atonement to reach all of us, thereby minimizing any tendency towards comparative quality in my worship and worthiness with those around me.
I have also thought about my friend’s recent sharing about her divorce with her husband, how she felt like for years and years she was not appreciated. She gave and gave and gave and just never felt like her husband was interested in filling her cup. And when it seemed like they needed to do something, it was like he had given up and that “she wasn’t even worth trying for.” Now, this is just the lens of interpretation through which I heard her and definitely did not accurately represent her since I can’t know of her experience and the range of experiences and emotions that led her to the place. But what I took away from it is it is easy for us as woman to seek for love through our service, a toxic ulterior motive. We serve and serve and serve some more. Yes, because it is right, but also because we hope that in doing so, we will fill our cups of feelings of worthiness or “lovability.” At least, that is what I have experienced. My husband is not the villain or disinterested party in my heart that I sometimes paint him to be. Bless his resilient heart, he will never be enough to offset the voices in my head. No one will be. As long as I’m strongly advocating for my unworthiness and “unlovability,” the internal voice will be stronger, just as those things up close to our vision are always larger than those at any greater distance. And maybe our poor husbands can sense this. Or spouse…maybe it is something anyone can do?
Quinn came into our marriage just enjoying me. I did also to a degree, but over the years have sought for more and more, like the Aerial of “Little Mermaid” and “The Greatest Showman.”
But this epiphany has been a truly humbling experience but also very exciting. This is something I can do. And it feels right.Of course, we all have some habits or flaws or personal history that could keep us from complete spiritual immersion in this work. But God is our Father and is exceptionally good at forgiving and forgetting sins we have forsaken, perhaps because we give Him so much practice in doing so. In any case, there is divine help for every one of us at any hour we feel to make a change in our behavior. -- Elder Holland, 10/21
