I tap the two wires together to start up our old computer. Whirrrr...the struggling motor whirs up so I can capture some thoughts this morning. That, along with the following pictures, give a little context for the pattern of this morning (and my recent life):
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| Our in desperate need of fixing washer and dryer...with a little "Penelope looking for her favorite coloring book" in for good measure. |
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| An animal really enjoyed the trash someone forgot to take to the garbage bins last night. |
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| The dinner I accidentally forgot I needed to take care of last night...with a splash of the discounted flowers I picked up, because I love flowers! |
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| The last of the 2/3 gallon of water mess I spilled in the fridge and on the floor this morning, which ended up helping clean spots much neglected ;). |
Do you ever feel like every time you show up to make something happen or try to get something good done, everything seems to start falling apart? Yesterday, it was with every motorized thing I touched to help with the yard work: the lawn mower and the weed whacker. Later it was the movies we tried to watch, the storm that showed up when I was prepping to swim with the kiddos,...and so on and so on.
I was talking with a friend recently about the struggles that returned missionaries seem to consistently face. At one point, they said, "I think it's just the adversary."
(Now, I'm not saying that the devil was behind me dropping my water pitcher this morning. I'm just saying that maybe there's something behind those times when everything seems to be going wrong--and often when we have determined to set our best foot forward and do what's right. Or maybe we have been doing a lot of right, and are confused when there seems to still be momentous obstacles in our path.)
Going back to my conversation with my friend:
I've been thinking about this-- this consistent struggle after a mission.
You said the adversary was possibly behind it. I thought about that and something occurred to me: what if it's similar to Job?
God gives missionaries a chance to really serve Him, immerse themselves in His work, taste of His goodness and mercy. Then Satan "comes along" and tells God to "give him a chance":
Job 1:8 And the Lord said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil?
9 Then Satan answered the Lord, and said, Doth Job fear God for nought?
10 Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land.
11 But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face.
12 And the Lord said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. So Satan went forth from the presence of the Lord.
For two years, they have a "hedge" around them, been consecrated as a missionary with all the protecting covenants/ blessings/powers in place...
... and maybe now that hedge has been removed?"
I often get locked into "transactional relationship" mode: if I obey God, I should be blessed and not experience hardship. If I love and serve someone, they should love and serve me back. And yes, sometimes things just go wrong...part of this mortal experience.
But there are sure times when it feels like so much just seems to go wrong, and the go wrong again, and then go wrong again! Where is God in all of this?
Maybe Job's experience is telling and maybe God is just asking, "do you really love Me and want to be like Me? Even when I don't give you the proverbial sucker for 'getting the shot' of mortal reality?"
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As I walked home the other night--retrieving the keys for the van that was stranded on the side of a back road with relatively new tires and a slow leak in one of them--I saw the magic. That van situation had thrown a wrench into my entire evening, but it had worked out. And now? Little lightning bugs lit up the road and trees like Christmas lights. I heard an owl hooting gently in the distance. The half moon overhead strew beautiful shadows across the dirt road in front of me...and I felt peace.
I know that in the middle of all the garbage, as we turn our face to God and say, "Even if....give me the strength to sing, It is well with my soul" we will see the twinkle lights:
-my fridge is cleaner
-I get to laugh at my three-year-old's antics...and be grateful for when my laundry machine does work...and that I even have one!
-I have a child who is responsible for the garbage and will take care of that ;).
-My dinner is getting done!
-And because my van was uncertain, we cancelled plans that gave us a little breathing space to work on some jobs around the house that I was itching to get to.
I know, first world problems--but sometimes it's the figurative build up of little bugs on the windshield that can really end up obstructing the road to happiness.
I also keep thinking, "It could be oh, so much worse." I've experienced so much of that worse and have still found God's love and collateral beauty in those times. I just need to keep looking.
