Perfection...

I had a very life-changing conversation with a dear friend the other day about this and would like to share what I have found. I anticipate any thoughts that you, my dear friends and family, may have in response.

I am a perfectionist.

As a perfectionist, it is very difficult to live in this world, as I have heard from many of my fellow self-designated "perfectionists" :). No matter how good you do or are, someone always looks or just is, better than you in any given area! You have continual expectations (how the day is going to go, how the house should look, how your child is going to act, what you are going to say to a person, how you should look, how others should behave, etc. etc., etc!) So, I have always sought for external validations that I am "succeeding" or even getting close: a clean house, good grades and high honors, perfect children, perfect body, and perfect Saint. And then, when I don’t measure up, as I eventually fail to with those standards, I go the opposite extreme of just not doing it, not trying, pretending that I just don’t care enough to try. (For instance, I am a virtually computer-illiterate person who comes from a family of literal computer geniuses–I decided when I was young that I was not good at it, and, bullheadedly have remained so since! ;)

As you can guess, this kind of living creates a lot of stress! A life of constant comparison and constant self-judgment is not an easy one...yet some deep inner part of me feels that there is only one standard I can compare myself to for "perfection" and, like in my "Big Toe" parable, it happens to be the sum total of the "perfection" I see in everyone around me: physically, emotionally, and mentally in the roles of mother, Christian, house-keeper, woman, friend, and scholar, to name a few. I imagine there are a few others out there like me...

However, over the years, I have learned a few things about "perfection".

First of all, it does not look the same for everyone. My body, while far from perfect as it is (, would not be perfect at "size 2"...I would be undernourished and emaciated. Also, for my family to be "perfect", I currently see that as healthy, clean, spiritually aware, and full of love towards each other, which cannot be attained by rigid conformity to a sterile house, rigorous exercise schedule, and continual study and practice of how to be nice in a filthy, disease-ridden house, with poor nutrition habits. (As a plaque I gave to my sister-in-law said: "This house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy!") Each of us have to find a balance of what is important in our lives, or, inevitably, if we are too focused on one area, the others will sicken. Unfortunately, this is "uncomparable" territory!

Secondly, there is only one person who knows what your individual perfection is supposed to look like: your personal God. As we trust in Him, ask Him prayerfully what is truly needful each day, He will guide us, and we must trust that He knows what He is talking about. So, when kneeling down for inspiration at the beginning of the day, we can do as Elder Eyring from my church counseled:

"A morning prayer and an early search in the scriptures can set the course for a day. We can know which task, of all those we might choose, matters most to God and therefore to us...such a prayer is always answered if we ask and ponder with childlike submission, ready to act without delay to perform even the most humble service...all would be possible for the humblest of us. The temptation to delay will come from two feelings...one to be complacent...and the other to feel overwhelmed."Lovingly pray: "Please let me serve this day. It doesn’t matter to me how few things I may be able to do...Just let me know what I can do. I will obey this day. I know I can, with thy help."Hard as things seem today, they will be better in the next day if you choose to serve the Lord this day with your whole heart...when your burdens become too heavy, the Lord, whom you have served, will carry what you cannot. He knows how. He prepared long ago. He suffered your infirmities and your sorrows when He was in the flesh so He would know how to succor you.When you go to sleep: "Well done, thou good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things" (Ensign, May 2007)

And then, we act on it. We follow the spirit, our gleanings of God's will. We find those things, over time, that are truly important, and then, if we have time to clean up more, study a little more, etc., that is just a bonus! I have found, that, for me personally, the inspiration generally involves something about relationships or service, forgiveness or repenting...and it is typically a small and simple way to do exactly that. That is how my personal perfection looks and I trust Him.

Perhaps, the why of why I trust Him is key, and was the biggest thing I learned from my conversation about perfection with my friend the other day–

I realized that my personal concept of "perfection" is why I have always felt uncomfortable and confused when people tell me, "How can you blame yourself for what happened with your son, Isaak. It was just an accident!"

Of course it was an accident. Of course I didn’t do it on purpose. However, now, thanks to that conversation, I have the words to describe why I still felt that I needed the Atonement of Jesus Christ so desperately.

My friend’s husband has been fired from his job. He is an amazing professional with an incomparable sales profile and resume, and felt like this was an attack to his respectability, especially since his previous employers had been close personal friends of the family. To a man, to not only challenge his respectability but take away the means by which he supports those he loves is an incredible blow. And, to a perfectionist man, the blow is a strike to who he is. You have removed every external verification that he is succeeding in one of his primal roles.

As a perfectionist myself, I jumped through "all the hoops" through the years, seeking good grades, good college, awards, recognitions, as milestones on my road to perfection. When I became a mother, I took care of my children the best I could, continually subconsciously and consciously comparing myself to other mothers as a measure of my "success". I would watch an amazing mother and feel inferior; watch one for failings (shallow, I know) and then feel better about myself. For years, with most external measurements (barring the occasional melt-down in the supermarket) I was doing alright.

Then, one day, I was unable to keep my child alive. I had failed to measure up on the most fundamental level...my child had died. I was the one who was driving; I was the one responsible for his safety; and he had died. Not by intent, of course, but because I wasn’t perfect enough to prevent it from happening. I mean, come on! Even the worst mothers normally provide an environment with enough nutrition and roof over their heads to allow for life! It was then that I was brutally confronted with the fact that I had failed in something that was primal to my nature, much like my friend’s husband.

The months of self-hatred and loathing that followed were not healthy, I’m sure. The years previous where I had been selfishly "depressed", preoccupied with my own happiness and perfection, were a pathetic comparison to what I was feeling then. I realized that, if one truly does not like oneself, one will not seek other’s pity, time, or compassion...they are more than you feel like you deserve or merit. Even to remove myself from the picture was unacceptable, considering that the loss and anguish that would be suffered by those close to me if I should take such a step. Again...it would be selfish. Living through these months of self-denial and lack of acceptance of who I was purged much of the selfish depression that had plagued me for years. I realized that if I truly did not like myself, I wouldn’t make myself a burden to those around me. And, having torn away the facade of who I was and who I thought I was, I felt almost self-less, living for those around me. Remarkably, part of the miracle was that I was healed by doing so. By literally losing myself in reaching out to others, I was healed in a pure and remarkable way.

Not only that, having lost all my external tokens of success, I was able to face the fact that I, on my own, would never "jump through enough hoops", achieve enough accolades to earn salvation, earn that "perfection" that I saw at the end of my road. I knew that I had to depend completely upon my Savior, Jesus Christ, for perfection in a very real way. I had deluded myself for years that if I just worked hard enough, I could work my way back to heaven by presenting a lengthy list of all of the things I had accomplished. I knew, now, how empty those external measurements were...for if they were true, there was no hope for me, a perfectionist.

I still remember the day in March a year after my son died, when I knelt in prayer, unable to try to reason through the "whys" or "why nots" anymore. I simply said, "Here I am. I don’t know if You can love me, but here I am" I cannot describe the peace I felt, contrasted so vividly with the torment I was wracked with before that. It was truly the peace that surpasseth understanding mentioned in my canon of scriptures. My God accepted me on a fundamental level for who I was. He was looking at the state of my soul, not the list of my achievements.

So now, it is easier to let go of the fluff, the extras. When I start getting caught up again in trying to prove myself to others, I look at that picture of my son and realize how empty that is. Then I can more easily prayerfully look at my day and do what needs to be done, and I find peace...I find joy, inexplicable joy, for I know that once again, and daily, my God accepts me and my proverbial widow’s mite. I am enough.

stewardship...

A thought about stewardship. It is my understanding that we will one day be held accountable for our stewardship. Locke also believed this in the sense that he claimed that we have no right to more property than we can properly use, that, in fact, it is through the wise use of resources that gives us claim to those resources that, ultimately, are common to all.
I have been thinking a great deal about this lately. I have too much stuff. Maybe I am the only one out there with that problem, but I find myself anxious as I look around me and see it cluttering around. “I’m sure I’ll use it someday!” is the typical justification I say to myself, and, often have done just that. However, I think this anxious feeling goes back to a fundamental realization that I am losing my property as I neglect it...losing it to deterioration or perhaps even losing it’s location :).
I have just recently taken over “stewardship” of our chickens from our 11 year old who was forgetting to water and care for them as often as I thought was healthy, and this morning, as I was doing it, felt a sublime sense of satisfaction. I wondered at this, in light of the fact that I feel like I have very little time, perhaps another complaint I share with others :). I realized that, for the first time since we got the chickens, I was taking care of them directly, completely. My hitherto unfulfilled sense of stewardship over the chickens was being satisfied!
So back to the problem with possessions– when I am not taking proper care of my possessions (sorting, organizing, etc.) I feel a fundamental struggle with, what I feel, is a primal need to care for things in my possession.... my property. When I do not show proper stewardship over something, I am losing it or at least my right to it in a very fundamental sense. You can see this in the slow deterioration of something due to neglect over time.
Now, let us say that I have “hired” or “appointed” someone to help care for that item in my stewardship. I am, in a very real sense, in bondage to them, dependent upon them to maintain it. I am watching “Ghandi” right now, and, again in a very real sense, the British began to realize that they were beholden to the Indian people for their property. Let’s look at it from another angle. Let’s say that I am a child who has been given a present. I leave it around the house, never caring for it. My mom begins to feel frustrated with me and nags me. I am frustrated as well, however, I am beginning to think it is not just because my mom nags me...it is because, again, on a fundamental level, I know that I am in bondage to her because she is helping take care of my property, and, in time, I will lose the right to that. If she is the one that cares for it, I sense that it is becoming hers, and I am dependent upon her, at this time, to own it.
So when I have too many things and require the unpredictable or unwilling help of others to help maintain those things, I feel in bondage to them, for I am!
It makes me consider: what things are fundamentally important to me? What is required to maintain them? If I am using all my time to maintain my belongings and not just what I truly need, I get bogged down, upset, stressed.
I find that, like the chickens, things that are valuable give us feelings of satisfaction upon completion, as our spirit recognizes what is truly needful. I am beginning to think that that is the best way to go...and the rest can go to the local “donation location” :).
I do believe that when we can have shared stewardship of things with others, the load is lifted, but that is a topic for another day...any thoughts, you genius friends and family?

Homeschooling=lessons of life

I came across this quote today and was impressed with it's accuracy.

"The difference between school and life is in school you learn a lesson, then take a test. Life is a test that teaches you a lesson."

How many times have I heard other homeschooling parents say, "Of course it (cooking, store trips, cleaning, lively debates with a sibling or parent, etc) is a homeschooling subject. We are 'learning' about life!"

The Salt Lake TJEd Forum

This is an amazing opportunity for homeschooler and others alike to attend life-changing seminars on life, mission, education, motherhood, fatherhood, elocution...to name a few. There are always too many classes for me to choose from. Check out the weblink on this section of my blog. They will be posting the classes and registration soon!

They also have some fabulous teen classes that have covered things like finding the royalty in themselves, how to succeed, money smarts, etc. The instructors of the youth are all amazing, engaging, and dynamic. It is rewarding for the youth to not only attend the classes, but also be together with other, striving youth in this charged atmosphere.

A family ball is held that night. This is something my children look forward to all year long. A live band provides some fun, true dancing music, and the atmosphere is elegant, yet family friendly. There are little girls and boys in suits and ball gowns, young men and women mostly modestly attired and capable dancers, and old folks like me who have fun dancing with one and all in my less-than-skilled fashion. Fathers dancing with babes in arms, mothers dancing with 11 year old boys, and fathers taking their young lady daughter on his arm are all images that I treasure from this. My Lily (age 6) has danced literally the whole night with one or two young men...last year she and a nice 10 year old danced every dance that they didn't need to rush out for a drink or a potty break, holding hands, and wobbling back and forth--sometimes even in time to the music! :) Even Kel has been venturous and asked a couple fortunate young ladies, and Tova has been asked time and again, sometimes with the guidance of a loving father seeking out perspective partners to ask her. Old fashioned values, music, and modesty are all a part of this event!

The joyful mothers of the stripling warriors?

In reading Alma 55-57, I have been struck by the stripling warriors. They knew they would be protected if they were doing what was right, for they did not doubt but that their mothers knew it. It wasn’t that their mother’s just talked to them about it,...they saw that their mothers knew it. It made me think about what would it be about the mothers’ example that would provide strength to their sons while in the heat of battle, or facing a battle of overwhelming odds. It made me think that these women must have lived their lives with joy, in such a way that their sons saw them trusting God through tough times. If my children see me being miserable, depressed and complaining about all that is going wrong in my life, will they believe my words that my faith, my religion bring me happiness, joy and satisfaction? Would I not have to live my life in such a way that shows that?
Furthermore, as me and other women around us in society continue to show stress, depression, and anxiety in our roles as mothers, what sane young woman would look forward to raising her own children, if she decides to be a mother at all?
A few years ago, or maybe several, I realized that Sundays were not looked forward to at my house. My dear sister N.R. shared with me how she had come to the conclusion that her children could never enjoy going to church if all they saw was her stressing about going and stressing about being there! If they didn’t see the "why" of church through me who was getting them there, of course they wouldn’t share my enthusiasm and love of it! So I tried to smile more, let a few more things go, realizing that if they didn’t feel comfortable and at peace in church, they would not have a strong reason to go later in life when they were on their own, if they hadn’t developed their own personal strong conviction to go–which takes everyone different lengths of time! (And then, at least, they would be at church where they could gain their own conviction!) And something miraculous happened...I started having more joy at church! Sunday morning was no longer dreaded! We really have to show joy in what we are doing for our children to desire to do it themselves.

Ours is a gospel of peace, a gospel of joy. Of course, it will be difficult. Of course, there will be hard times. But like in "The Hiding Place", lasting peace and real joy can be found amidst affliction if we are looking for it. And our children need to know this, need to know there is some refuge from the storm and turbulence around them. They need to know how to find a few moments of quiet time in the day for rejuvenation and reflection. How can they do this if their day is planned from beginning to end for them? How can they do this if their primary care giver does nothing but fret and worry and run around like "a chicken with her head cut off", so to speak :)? Now, I am as guilty of this as anyone...this is just something I have been thinking about lately.
So, I have tried to take a deep breath,--when the house is in disarray, and the phone is demanding my attention, and I have over 180 email waiting to be checked (sorry to all of you...), --and sit down and read with my little ones; look out the window and allow myself to be caught up in the beauty of the day, and bring my kids over to share that; get down at my child’s level and look them in the eye when they are concerned about their stuffed rabbit and the ribbon that keeps falling off; laugh more; be a little crazy when I am going crazy so that I can remind myself that it is my choice to be in that frantic state :); sit down with company when they come; go outside and watch the sunset, the stars, the clouds, the trees moving in the wind. And somehow, everything else goes better. The house doesn’t seem so messy, the kids not so frantic, my self-imposed schedule not so demanding. After all, as C.S. Lewis put it,

"The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all

the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own,'or 'real' life.

The truth is of course that what one

calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life--

the life God is sending one day by day."

I think that everyone’s ways of slowing down and showing joy will look different. I just think, if we are really struggling to know how, we need to start simply. Just prayerfully consider one thing you can do, when you are feeling overwhelmed or when a child is tugging on your shirt, that will help you find joy and beauty in the world around you...the life you are living! Something that will fill you and rejuvenate you, not satisfy some addiction (food and sugar=me) and leave you feel anxious, ornery, and uptight.
I loved the scripture in Alma 57: 26 where it states: whosoever did not doubt, that they should be preserved by his marvelous power...and their minds are firm. How much do we truly believe what we believe?

Books I use to teach

Little Britches--hard work, decency and honesty, family, classic farm mentality
All you Ever Need, by Lucado–the need to share God’s gifts to us with everyone, as freely as you can
You are Special–the special place of all of God’s children, despite failings, perceived or otherwise
The Apple-Pip Princess–the value of simplicity, differences, and decency, finding gifts despite being "ordinary"
Science Verse–A bunch of poems that touch on different scientific ideas
Math Curse–this is full of fun applications of mathematical concepts
Pig, Pigger, Piggest–it’s the "good, better, best" way to teach superlatives!
Crispin, the Pig who had everything--gratitude, the wonder of imagination and creativity
Book of Virtues--everything about anything important in life! :)
The Happy Dromedary--pursuing and finding your unique role, de-values peer criticism
Sarah Jane’s Very Best Story Ever–book that reinforces the core principles of my religion
The Giving Tree–sacrifice, true love
A Year With Miss Agnes–joy of learning, value of unique gifts, different learning styles
The Whipping Boy–qualities of true and decent leadership: born position vs. inherent qualities
The Door in the Wall–the ability to rise above anything, value of unique talents
Chasing Vermeer–the value of art, free-thinking in school
Seven Wonders of Sassafrass Springs–finding wonder in the "everyday" world around you
Princess Academy–leadership, friendship, integrity
Little Women-ideal family life, simple goodness
No Room for a Sneeze-appreciation/gratitude
Heidi–simplicity, decency, goodness
The Giver–the role of government and rules in society
The Alchemist–integrity and determination in pursuing your unique mission
C.S.Lewis books–true principles and perspective on God and society
Laddie–"a portrait of life as is should be" as quoted from Claudia
The Red Scarf Girl–a look at Communist China and the impact of the Cultural revolution on a young girl
The Oak and the Acorn (?) by Max Lucado–how everyone’s gifts/missions are different, but no less important
The Canada Geese Quilt–family love and sacrifice, death
The Phantom Tollbooth–fun mathematical concepts to explore

Groups I've Created/Mentored

This this is just FYI. I only support or use the ones I need when I need them so I have never had them all going at the same time. Also, I also only am able to do any of these due to the amazing women (and men!) that I work with, who contribute untold hours to the success of these different groups. Most of them are set up to run on a very low-maintenance, high-inspiration system to prevent "burn-out" :). My intention is to have social/peer (meaning other homeschooling kids of all ages) groups available for every stage of my child's education.


Small and Simple things: An adult book group designed to help unlock the keys to a simple, meaningful life through the study of classics
Knights of Freedom: A book/activity group for 8-12 year old boys that meets weekly
Dream Catcher’s Club/Promise Club: Club for girls 9-11 to learn monthly virtues through books and activities, learn skills in homemaking and etiquette, and have monthly opportunities for service.
Princess club: Club for girls 6-9 to help them learn monthly virtues through children’s books, activities, free time, coloring time (with reading going on), and "tea" party time.
Children’s Choir: a low-cost alternative for families to come together and sing entertaining, educational, and spiritual songs and learn them for performance.
Young Actor’s Guild: An acting group for youth 5-14+ to put together, rehearse, and perform plays (some Shakespeare)plays: The Hobbit, Without a Constitution, The 5 Dancing Princesses, The Candy Shop play, Taming of the Shrew, A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
Science Class: teach high school science to 12 + using Apologia Science, while other amazing women hold hand's-on science classes for my younger children. I knew that generic biology degree would come in handy someday! :)
Mission Minded Mom’s breakfast: a somewhat quarterly time for women to come together and share their successes and frustrations as they fulfill their personal missions and gain encouragement from others. A potluck breakfast is enjoyed.
Vanguard Youth: A group for 12+ to teach science/math, leadership/constitution, geography/culture, service and entrepreneur classes.
Joy Lunch Club: This is a group I have started on my own in my local community with the purpose of bring women together to "find nobility in motherhood and joy in womanhood". We bring whatever scraggly left-over we were going to have for that day, meet at my less-than-catalog house for one hour once a month, and share our experiences of the past month, uplift and edify one another with quotes and songs we have thought of or that have impressed us, and seek greater determination to do the above quote. Super low-maintenance, and joy-filled!