This posting is in response to Claudia :)...these personal fundamentals have come after years of studying and trying and failing...may you learn from my mistakes! (I would love to hear other people's "fundamentals"!) And you can just substitute "fundamental" for "ideal", as I am far from perfect at doing any of these...
-Read the Book of Mormon with your family every day. (Read Pres. Benson's promises on that...)
-Bear testimony often.
-You always have time for scripture study (even a verse!) and prayer. Do it every morning.
-Pray that you may be sufficient to do what needs to be done, that what little you can do, you may do, and then know that whatever you have to offer, if you follow your answer, will be enough...you will be enough, despite and sometimes even because of your imperfections (see the story about the "cracked pot" on this blog.)
-Hand in hand with that one, live by the Spirit. As you are "anxiously engaged in a good cause" (D&C 58:26-27) you may do everything you can and then stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the hand of the Lord as He completes His work, (D&C 123:17) which is what our children are :), as well as ourselves.
-You will never be "done". :) Enjoy the journey. The house will get messy again, so use the "clean up the room" time as a time to teach or bond, not just to try to maintain (although sometimes, for myself, I do it because I like it :)...)
-Each one of my children is a genius...it may just look different or unimportant to the rest of the world (i.e. Lily is a nurturer..an amazing one) (See "Parenting your Ephraim's Child" and Oliver DeMille's talk about the eighth key..."secure not stressed" and "genius mentality".)
-If we emphasize academics in Core phase, we are telling our children that that is what their self-worth is based upon. (Janine Bolon)
-Work is central to our happiness (see article on Family Work, BYU magazine Spring 2000). We can think and develop relationships while we work in some ways more satisfying than just by sitting and talking or thinking.
-My goal is to raise adults who know how to work, clean up after themselves, and take responsibility for their actions...adults that know how to love, be nice, and serve. Math, music lessons, and writing essays come second to that. My children know (or at least hear often!) that they have unique strengths and gifts and a unique mission to complete on this earth, even if they don't know what it is yet. They know that I have ones I am trying to fulfill, with God's grace.
-When my children are "going crazy"--more than usual--, it means they need to have their "love cup" filled (see "5 love languages for kids"). A friend once said, "when they are squabbling over little things, the best thing to do is grab a good book, and plop down on the couch and do some serious cuddling." I believe in this...
-Before all else, I am a wife and a mother. The only thing that will take me away from that calling is an edict (strong personal inspiration) from a God I know and trust, that what I am doing is His will. If it is His will, then I trust Him. (Prov. 3:5-6)
-Electronics or media is something only to be used in case of emergency, and, even then, only if it is wholesome and uplifting. (I am a "mean" mom :)...) I respect other people's inspiration for their own children's needs in this area. For me, electronics are very stimulating and distracting for my children, preventing them from finding that sacred quiet within that helps them define who they are. Once they know who they are, who their God is, what is truth or at least how to find out for themselves, then I trust them and the light of Christ that is within them to make that call.
-Hand in hand with that, though, my kids know why: I want them to know what life can be like without electronic addictions so that when they leave my house and can create their own home environment, they know what life can be like without it even if they choose to immerse themselves in it.
-My children will make mistakes (as I do) and that is alright. The key is to love them, let them learn from them, don't remove consequences or "save" them every time they fall. This may seem callous, (and, of course, must be done within reason), but let me give you an example.
One of my kids wanted to make money. They insisted they were ready to start working doing yard work at a young age. I offered my counsel, told them I could help them learn, and then they decided they were done with that and ready to go. They got hired to mow an incredibly hard lawn, huge and over-grown. They spent literally hours and hours mowing. They would call me on the cell phone, tell me how hard it was, and want me to finish it for them. I knew they were suffering, I knew it was hard, and I knew they weren't doing a very good job. I told them I would be happy to bring them water or food, but they would have to pay me for my time if I were to help them, in addition to the gas they were already paying to refill the mower. They finished it, paying me for the little I helped. It was a very real life lesson learned at a young age about: negotiation, finishing a job (they were so proud of themselves), and the realities of being accountable as a laborer, not to mention how it would be to work in that field their whole lives if they decided to not finish school :). The home is a safe place to learn about failure and trying again. We don't need to set them up to fail to learn this lesson, of course. We just need to offer support and not just bail them out when life gets hard.
-This goes hand in hand with being consistent and true to your word. I found that when I would back out of a punishment/consequence one time, it made it actually worse, and my kids respected me more if I followed through with the punishment/consequence. (Grounding is painful and used only in times of great emergency!)
-My children become what they are exposed to the most--through reading, electronics, people...and I want my kids face-to-face with greatness as often as possible, be it in books or people around them or media that enlightens and inspires. They need to feel something in order to want to be something.
-The power of positive parenting...if my kids feel happy or recognized when they do something, they will want to do it (i.e. church, work, service, scripture reading, math, etc.). (Read "Christlike Parenting"...cathartic, but good!)
-When I am stressed or upset, I try to let my children know, apologizing when I allow it to interfere with my relationship with them.
-I CHOOSE how I will react to something...my children cannot "make" me mad. Even though I allow myself to still fall into this trap, I never, never, never say that they "made" me mad, upset, or stressed. This puts undue blame on a child. No matter their actions, I am my own person and always, always, always have a choice in how I want to react (again, see "Christlike Parenting"...also, Corrie Ten Boom's "The Hiding Place")
-Similarly, I CHOOSE how I spend my time. I have time for whatever I feel is most important. If I don't "have time" for something, it is because it is not as important to me as what I am already doing...this makes me look at what I am already doing and deciding if it should be more important :)...
-My children need to see me smile, need to see me enjoying what I am doing, or why in the world would they ever choose to do that themselves? :) Sometimes, even a forced smile will work wonders in myself and my kids.
-Relationships are more important than things: sometimes you can say "no" to when someone wants to come over and visit, but let that be the exception. On the other hand, it is all right to let the answering machine field calls when making a memory, having devotional, or taking a nap :)...phone calls are not on par with physical visiting, just as emails and texting are a far from perfect mode of meaningful communication.
-When I am overwhelmed, it means I have lost my perspective and need to either: pray, snuggle with Quinn (my rock) or have one-on-one time with him, go to the temple, read my scriptures, or exercise/go on a walk. No matter how bad things seem, they can always be worse :). When Isaak died, everything literally ground to a halt, and then it eventually picked up again. I learned that all those things on our schedule are pretty much secondary to the essentials.
-Errands (and lunch :)! ) are a necessary evil, but I generally only do them (errands, that is!) once every week or two, unless I am already going out for one of my children's events.
-More is seldom better...simplicity, simplicity, simplicity. Again, pretty much only an edict from God will make me add something to my schedule, and I am quick to remove things. (See "Small and Simple Things" by Marjorie Hinckley)
-If my kids don't see me struggling, studying, allowing myself to be humbled, praying, loving, forgiving,...how in the world will they ever learn how to, or at least how to fail and keep trying :)?
-Dates with kids are fun. Dates with Daddy are essential. My husband comes before my kids, and, although it is hard to show this with a patient, easy-going husband and intense children, it is always worth it, and the kids actually seem to feel better knowing that our relationship is sacred and important.
-I have more wealth than the majority of the world's population. Many mothers feed their kids watered down rainwater and hope it will provide the illusion of being fed. I have no room to complain about not having enough, and thus rejoice vocally in my abundance.
I think that is all...those are some of the thoughts that drift through my head on a regular basis...oh! And one last one:
-There are many, many times that I do not know what to do, what to say, how to act as a parent, wife, or friend. I have learned to stop, say, "I am not sure what to say right now, but I love you", and then try my best. If I don't try, I don't learn--from my successes and my failures...
-Read the Book of Mormon with your family every day. (Read Pres. Benson's promises on that...)
-Bear testimony often.
-You always have time for scripture study (even a verse!) and prayer. Do it every morning.
-Pray that you may be sufficient to do what needs to be done, that what little you can do, you may do, and then know that whatever you have to offer, if you follow your answer, will be enough...you will be enough, despite and sometimes even because of your imperfections (see the story about the "cracked pot" on this blog.)
-Hand in hand with that one, live by the Spirit. As you are "anxiously engaged in a good cause" (D&C 58:26-27) you may do everything you can and then stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the hand of the Lord as He completes His work, (D&C 123:17) which is what our children are :), as well as ourselves.
-You will never be "done". :) Enjoy the journey. The house will get messy again, so use the "clean up the room" time as a time to teach or bond, not just to try to maintain (although sometimes, for myself, I do it because I like it :)...)
-Each one of my children is a genius...it may just look different or unimportant to the rest of the world (i.e. Lily is a nurturer..an amazing one) (See "Parenting your Ephraim's Child" and Oliver DeMille's talk about the eighth key..."secure not stressed" and "genius mentality".)
-If we emphasize academics in Core phase, we are telling our children that that is what their self-worth is based upon. (Janine Bolon)
-Work is central to our happiness (see article on Family Work, BYU magazine Spring 2000). We can think and develop relationships while we work in some ways more satisfying than just by sitting and talking or thinking.
-My goal is to raise adults who know how to work, clean up after themselves, and take responsibility for their actions...adults that know how to love, be nice, and serve. Math, music lessons, and writing essays come second to that. My children know (or at least hear often!) that they have unique strengths and gifts and a unique mission to complete on this earth, even if they don't know what it is yet. They know that I have ones I am trying to fulfill, with God's grace.
-When my children are "going crazy"--more than usual--, it means they need to have their "love cup" filled (see "5 love languages for kids"). A friend once said, "when they are squabbling over little things, the best thing to do is grab a good book, and plop down on the couch and do some serious cuddling." I believe in this...
-Before all else, I am a wife and a mother. The only thing that will take me away from that calling is an edict (strong personal inspiration) from a God I know and trust, that what I am doing is His will. If it is His will, then I trust Him. (Prov. 3:5-6)
-Electronics or media is something only to be used in case of emergency, and, even then, only if it is wholesome and uplifting. (I am a "mean" mom :)...) I respect other people's inspiration for their own children's needs in this area. For me, electronics are very stimulating and distracting for my children, preventing them from finding that sacred quiet within that helps them define who they are. Once they know who they are, who their God is, what is truth or at least how to find out for themselves, then I trust them and the light of Christ that is within them to make that call.
-Hand in hand with that, though, my kids know why: I want them to know what life can be like without electronic addictions so that when they leave my house and can create their own home environment, they know what life can be like without it even if they choose to immerse themselves in it.
-My children will make mistakes (as I do) and that is alright. The key is to love them, let them learn from them, don't remove consequences or "save" them every time they fall. This may seem callous, (and, of course, must be done within reason), but let me give you an example.
One of my kids wanted to make money. They insisted they were ready to start working doing yard work at a young age. I offered my counsel, told them I could help them learn, and then they decided they were done with that and ready to go. They got hired to mow an incredibly hard lawn, huge and over-grown. They spent literally hours and hours mowing. They would call me on the cell phone, tell me how hard it was, and want me to finish it for them. I knew they were suffering, I knew it was hard, and I knew they weren't doing a very good job. I told them I would be happy to bring them water or food, but they would have to pay me for my time if I were to help them, in addition to the gas they were already paying to refill the mower. They finished it, paying me for the little I helped. It was a very real life lesson learned at a young age about: negotiation, finishing a job (they were so proud of themselves), and the realities of being accountable as a laborer, not to mention how it would be to work in that field their whole lives if they decided to not finish school :). The home is a safe place to learn about failure and trying again. We don't need to set them up to fail to learn this lesson, of course. We just need to offer support and not just bail them out when life gets hard.
-This goes hand in hand with being consistent and true to your word. I found that when I would back out of a punishment/consequence one time, it made it actually worse, and my kids respected me more if I followed through with the punishment/consequence. (Grounding is painful and used only in times of great emergency!)
-My children become what they are exposed to the most--through reading, electronics, people...and I want my kids face-to-face with greatness as often as possible, be it in books or people around them or media that enlightens and inspires. They need to feel something in order to want to be something.
-The power of positive parenting...if my kids feel happy or recognized when they do something, they will want to do it (i.e. church, work, service, scripture reading, math, etc.). (Read "Christlike Parenting"...cathartic, but good!)
-When I am stressed or upset, I try to let my children know, apologizing when I allow it to interfere with my relationship with them.
-I CHOOSE how I will react to something...my children cannot "make" me mad. Even though I allow myself to still fall into this trap, I never, never, never say that they "made" me mad, upset, or stressed. This puts undue blame on a child. No matter their actions, I am my own person and always, always, always have a choice in how I want to react (again, see "Christlike Parenting"...also, Corrie Ten Boom's "The Hiding Place")
-Similarly, I CHOOSE how I spend my time. I have time for whatever I feel is most important. If I don't "have time" for something, it is because it is not as important to me as what I am already doing...this makes me look at what I am already doing and deciding if it should be more important :)...
-My children need to see me smile, need to see me enjoying what I am doing, or why in the world would they ever choose to do that themselves? :) Sometimes, even a forced smile will work wonders in myself and my kids.
-Relationships are more important than things: sometimes you can say "no" to when someone wants to come over and visit, but let that be the exception. On the other hand, it is all right to let the answering machine field calls when making a memory, having devotional, or taking a nap :)...phone calls are not on par with physical visiting, just as emails and texting are a far from perfect mode of meaningful communication.
-When I am overwhelmed, it means I have lost my perspective and need to either: pray, snuggle with Quinn (my rock) or have one-on-one time with him, go to the temple, read my scriptures, or exercise/go on a walk. No matter how bad things seem, they can always be worse :). When Isaak died, everything literally ground to a halt, and then it eventually picked up again. I learned that all those things on our schedule are pretty much secondary to the essentials.
-Errands (and lunch :)! ) are a necessary evil, but I generally only do them (errands, that is!) once every week or two, unless I am already going out for one of my children's events.
-More is seldom better...simplicity, simplicity, simplicity. Again, pretty much only an edict from God will make me add something to my schedule, and I am quick to remove things. (See "Small and Simple Things" by Marjorie Hinckley)
-If my kids don't see me struggling, studying, allowing myself to be humbled, praying, loving, forgiving,...how in the world will they ever learn how to, or at least how to fail and keep trying :)?
-Dates with kids are fun. Dates with Daddy are essential. My husband comes before my kids, and, although it is hard to show this with a patient, easy-going husband and intense children, it is always worth it, and the kids actually seem to feel better knowing that our relationship is sacred and important.
-I have more wealth than the majority of the world's population. Many mothers feed their kids watered down rainwater and hope it will provide the illusion of being fed. I have no room to complain about not having enough, and thus rejoice vocally in my abundance.
I think that is all...those are some of the thoughts that drift through my head on a regular basis...oh! And one last one:
-There are many, many times that I do not know what to do, what to say, how to act as a parent, wife, or friend. I have learned to stop, say, "I am not sure what to say right now, but I love you", and then try my best. If I don't try, I don't learn--from my successes and my failures...
Wow! All I can say is wow. Thank you for this post! I learn so much from you and your example. Love you and miss you and your family.
ReplyDeleteAnd that, my friends, is why this woman is so incredibly incredible. I count myself blessed to be able to learn from and associate with you!
ReplyDelete