All about abilities, trust and God's cause

I have just "not started" three different posts on my other blogs. I just need to write and I guess I will do it here.

Yesterday was great.  I felt a lot of peace. I have been taking all-natural Magnesium supplements, which I think has been helping :);  less anxiety, more able to think clearly.

When I pulled up my blogs, I came across this post from an amazing young poetess :)...

There's a story inside each of us.

Fairytales untold.

Behind each shining eye there is

A hero brave and bold.

Who knows what battles have been won?

Who knows what's being fought?

Warriors dwell in each of us.

Victory fiercely sought.

We're all in a war together, 

And we're on each other's side

So let's build fortresses of love

Not barricades of pride. 

We're all fighting in our different ways

But the enemy's the same.

Let's defeat it with each other

Let's now alight the flame.

Truth gleams brightly on our side.

Stronger than the sword.

How can we lose when we know

Our Leader is the Lord.

Inspiring!  Her poem reminded me of many things I have been thinking about and our theme for our homeschooling last month: "Thee lift me and I lift thee and we shall ascend together."  I love how she can be herself and share her talents and lift me.  Maybe we can all do the same?

We are getting the cabinets dropped off today and the area is cleared.  I worked on it yesterday while the littles watched "Mom's Night Out" about how awesome motherhood is. I even snuck in a quick nap while they were watching, since Zsa-man have been waking me up multiple times at night.

After that I spent some time reading with and to the kids and hurried and tied a blanket that has been ready to be finished since before we moved here.  A lady I visit teach (that I met for the first time Sunday) had a birthday two days ago and when I noticed that on a little announcement sheet, the thought went through my mind that this blanket was for her and I needed to finish it.  I discarded that thought, knowing what I "had to get done" that day.  The Spirit whispered again, "Finish this for her."  Apparently, God knew what I had to do as well and was not impressed with my excuses :).  Being the good daughter that I am, I put it off again :).

The next morning (yesterday), with this blanket still in the back of my mind, we watched the following video about how a group of young men did seven days of service: https://www.lds.org/youth/video/7-days-of-service?lang=eng   In it, one of the young men commented something like, "I was worried when we first set out to do it. I wondered when I would have time to do my homework.  But then, I would go and serve and come home to do my homework and somehow it went faster and better and I was able to get it all done."  Cha-ching. I knew that I was going to make the quilt.

And it worked.  And I still got the things done I felt I needed to that day.  Crazy.  Trust more and be believing, right?

My friend posted on her blog about feeling "off." She mentioned how awesome the women's broadcast felt and it made me think about a line in the conference where someone said the women of our church today need a cause.  It was powerful to think of us rallying together to defend womanhood and the family and combat the evil influences of mis-used social media, steamy romance novels and pornography.  I have been feeling a little unsettled lately as well and am more determined to fix my gaze on Christ and take up His cause in my home.  Think of all the awesomeness we can get done in this world if we unite in God's cause and not seek for how we are different or "limited."  Do what we can do, seek for peace, and trust. 

Timing

This morning, as I prayed, it was interesting to try and articulate what it was I truly wanted for me and my children.  I think I came to this:
-for the them to know, love and serve God
-for them to be prepared in every way I can help them to fulfill their missions on this earth
-to know what is the right time to do things and when is the right time to not do things.

The scripture in Ecclesiastes came into my mind:
1To every thing there is a season , and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 
2A time to be born, and a time to die ; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 
3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 
4A time to weep, and a time to laugh ; a time to mourn , and a time to dance; 
5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 
6A time to get , and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 
7A time to rend , and a time to sew; a time to keep silence , and a time to speak; 
8A time to love, and a time to hate ; a time of war, and a time of peace. 

I think there is always a time for peace...but is there? When there is a war to be fought, whether in our homes or around us?  Hmmm...something to ponder.  Can we not carry peace in our hearts?  Did the Savior's heart have peace, as we would describe it, as he cast the people out of the temple?

How much do I want peace...

Peace.  Delicious peace.

I have not had much recently :).

In the past several months my usual tendency towards thinking through things carefully and brainstorming options has spiralled out of control until I was regularly panicking and getting into a position where I was actually debilitated by my anxiety: concern about creating a safe physical environment for my children, trying to homeschool in the midst of chaos, tseeking guidance in how to help children face challenges, yearning to spend quality calm time with my husband, children and others.  My "concerns" and "yearnings" were turning into panic and fear and I kept getting caught in that cycle.  Maybe some of you feel the same about other concerns.  It can be so damning to our lives and spirituality!

For some time now, the Spirit has whispered, "Just open the Book of Mormon."  "Okay, sure!" I would respond. "Later."  And then I would continue to panic, worry and wonder.  Deep within me, I think my response was, "Nice idea.  Couldn't possibly work." 

Finally, a couple times in the last few weeks when I was bogged beyond my ability to deal with it and pled, again and again, for God to lift my burden of anxiety, I listened to the familiar response and acted on it.  Desperate I grabbed the nearest Book of Mormon and opened it up.  Answer.  Peace.  Direction.  Oh me of little faith.

Then it would come back :).


I didn't want to live my life like this!  I want to face each day with joy and anticipation, not wake up overwhelmed by all before me that I feel I should do, defeated before I even begin.  I wanted to find joy in the moment, in the chaos, in the uncertainty!  I knew it was there, but how to attain it?

As I prayed for peace and resolution, the following talk kept being brought to my attention:

In it he says:

The distressing emotion of fear arises because of impending danger, uncertainty, or pain and through experiences that are unexpected, sometimes sudden, and likely to produce a negative outcome.

In our daily lives, endless reports of criminal violence, famine, wars, corruption, terrorism, declining values, disease, and the destructive forces of nature can engender fear and apprehension. Surely we live in the season foretold by the Lord: “And in that day … the whole earth shall be in commotion, and men’s hearts shall fail them” (D&C 45:26).

I read on, familiar with this feeling of fear he described and found this hope:

An example from the Book of Mormon highlights the power of the knowledge of the Lord (see 2 Peter 1:2–8; Alma 23:5–6) to dispel fear and provide peace even as we confront great adversity.

In the land of Helam, Alma’s people were frightened by an advancing Lamanite army.

“But Alma went forth and stood among them, and exhorted them that they should not be frightened, but … should remember the Lord their God and he would deliver them.

“Therefore they hushed their fears” (Mosiah 23:27–28).

Notice Alma did not hush the people’s fears. Rather, Alma counseled the believers to remember the Lord and the deliverance only He could bestow (see 2 Nephi 2:8). And knowledge of the Savior’s protecting watchcare enabled the people to hush their own fears.

Correct knowledge of and faith in the Lord empower us to hush our fears because Jesus Christ is the only source of enduring peace. He declared, “Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me” (D&C 19:23).

"Okay," I thought, "I need to focus on Christ more.  How can I do that?"  Hanging pictures on my wall will be interesting, as my downstairs is all bare beams, but maybe I will do that.  Reading scriptures,...I am doing that more.  Praying...have been doing that more fervently and genuinely, not just reciting common phrases by rote and at high speed, anxious to get onto the many tasks I felt lay before me.  I just kept feeling like there was something missing.

Well, this week Quinn and the oldest two are gone to Utah and I had planned all month to use some of that time to go visiting teaching.  I "saved" a lot of things to "get done" while they were gone--an unrealistic amount!--and realized that when I was actually faced with that week.  "I am just not going to be able to do visiting teaching this month," I reasoned. "I am sure the Lord will understand."

On Wednesday night I went to the missionary sponsored scripture study class and we talked about fears and again Bednar's talk came up.  So I went home and read it again and found this direction:

Ordinances and covenants are the building blocks we use to construct our lives upon the foundation of Christ and His Atonement. We are connected securely to and with the Savior as we worthily receive ordinances and enter into covenants, faithfully remember and honor those sacred commitments, and do our best to live in accordance with the obligations we have accepted. And that bond is the source of spiritual strength and stability in all of the seasons of our lives.

We can be blessed to hush our fears as we firmly establish our desires and deeds upon the sure foundation of the Savior through our ordinances and covenants.

"Sweet!" I thought. "I will go to the temple!" In my mind I arranged the time and sacrifice needed to do it on Friday morning.  It would work!

And then I remembered that the temple was closed.  Next week, I wondered?  Then the Spirit whispered to me, "If you had time to go to the temple (5 hours total), don't you also have time to go to the temple? Is not your commission to be a visiting teacher also a covenant?  Part of your baptismal covenant to succor the weak, mourn with those who mourn?  Where is your faith? How much are you willing to sacrifice for that peace you desire?" A covenant with a promise was there for the taking.  It did not require adding something else to my schedule. It simply required giving up something that I felt was dear for something even dearer...peace.

As my soul was reflecting in stunned silence, my eyes rested upon another part of Bednar's talk:

Recall how the Lord’s Apostles were in a ship, tossed in the midst of the sea. Jesus went to them, walking on the water; but not recognizing Him, they cried out in fear.

“Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.

“And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

“And he said, Come” (Matthew 14:27–29).

Peter then walked on the water to Jesus.

“But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid,” began to sink, and cried out, “Lord, save me.

“And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” (Matthew 14:30–31).

I envision Peter responding fervently and immediately to the Savior’s invitation. With his eyes fixed upon Jesus, he stepped out of the boat and miraculously walked on the water. Only when his gaze was diverted by the wind and the waves did he become afraid and begin to sink.

I realized that I am much like Peter.  God points me in a direction and I respond "fervently and immediately": homeschooling, Hungary, New York!  I am excited to know I am doing His will!  But sometimes I start looking around and noticing the waves around me...and I start to sink.  And sometimes I sink really deep.  What a beautiful way to capture how I was feeling!

How can I look to Christ?  Why am I here in New York...to create a perfect home or to serve and love others?  Why am I homeschooling..so they can score a perfect score on college application tests or to give them the education that will not only prepare their minds but their souls also for their missions in life?  Why am I a wife and mother...to run around frantically trying to meet all their needs or to  lovingly invest in and enjoy relationships with these amazing people around me?  Of course, I need to feed them and try to clean the home, but that is not the end goal...the focus.

I have been pondering on these ideas since that moment and felt I should share this experience, just in case others out there, like me, are feeling buffeted by waves that seem daunting and are sinking.

Find your own way to look to Christ.  Doubt not.  Fear not.

My house is still under construction. I still have the same 24 hours.  But I feel peace, blessed peace so much more now than before and, best part, I know it is there for my reaching for it...for my reaching to Christ to save me.

It is truly a peace that surpasseth all understanding.