How much do I want peace...

Peace.  Delicious peace.

I have not had much recently :).

In the past several months my usual tendency towards thinking through things carefully and brainstorming options has spiralled out of control until I was regularly panicking and getting into a position where I was actually debilitated by my anxiety: concern about creating a safe physical environment for my children, trying to homeschool in the midst of chaos, tseeking guidance in how to help children face challenges, yearning to spend quality calm time with my husband, children and others.  My "concerns" and "yearnings" were turning into panic and fear and I kept getting caught in that cycle.  Maybe some of you feel the same about other concerns.  It can be so damning to our lives and spirituality!

For some time now, the Spirit has whispered, "Just open the Book of Mormon."  "Okay, sure!" I would respond. "Later."  And then I would continue to panic, worry and wonder.  Deep within me, I think my response was, "Nice idea.  Couldn't possibly work." 

Finally, a couple times in the last few weeks when I was bogged beyond my ability to deal with it and pled, again and again, for God to lift my burden of anxiety, I listened to the familiar response and acted on it.  Desperate I grabbed the nearest Book of Mormon and opened it up.  Answer.  Peace.  Direction.  Oh me of little faith.

Then it would come back :).


I didn't want to live my life like this!  I want to face each day with joy and anticipation, not wake up overwhelmed by all before me that I feel I should do, defeated before I even begin.  I wanted to find joy in the moment, in the chaos, in the uncertainty!  I knew it was there, but how to attain it?

As I prayed for peace and resolution, the following talk kept being brought to my attention:

In it he says:

The distressing emotion of fear arises because of impending danger, uncertainty, or pain and through experiences that are unexpected, sometimes sudden, and likely to produce a negative outcome.

In our daily lives, endless reports of criminal violence, famine, wars, corruption, terrorism, declining values, disease, and the destructive forces of nature can engender fear and apprehension. Surely we live in the season foretold by the Lord: “And in that day … the whole earth shall be in commotion, and men’s hearts shall fail them” (D&C 45:26).

I read on, familiar with this feeling of fear he described and found this hope:

An example from the Book of Mormon highlights the power of the knowledge of the Lord (see 2 Peter 1:2–8; Alma 23:5–6) to dispel fear and provide peace even as we confront great adversity.

In the land of Helam, Alma’s people were frightened by an advancing Lamanite army.

“But Alma went forth and stood among them, and exhorted them that they should not be frightened, but … should remember the Lord their God and he would deliver them.

“Therefore they hushed their fears” (Mosiah 23:27–28).

Notice Alma did not hush the people’s fears. Rather, Alma counseled the believers to remember the Lord and the deliverance only He could bestow (see 2 Nephi 2:8). And knowledge of the Savior’s protecting watchcare enabled the people to hush their own fears.

Correct knowledge of and faith in the Lord empower us to hush our fears because Jesus Christ is the only source of enduring peace. He declared, “Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me” (D&C 19:23).

"Okay," I thought, "I need to focus on Christ more.  How can I do that?"  Hanging pictures on my wall will be interesting, as my downstairs is all bare beams, but maybe I will do that.  Reading scriptures,...I am doing that more.  Praying...have been doing that more fervently and genuinely, not just reciting common phrases by rote and at high speed, anxious to get onto the many tasks I felt lay before me.  I just kept feeling like there was something missing.

Well, this week Quinn and the oldest two are gone to Utah and I had planned all month to use some of that time to go visiting teaching.  I "saved" a lot of things to "get done" while they were gone--an unrealistic amount!--and realized that when I was actually faced with that week.  "I am just not going to be able to do visiting teaching this month," I reasoned. "I am sure the Lord will understand."

On Wednesday night I went to the missionary sponsored scripture study class and we talked about fears and again Bednar's talk came up.  So I went home and read it again and found this direction:

Ordinances and covenants are the building blocks we use to construct our lives upon the foundation of Christ and His Atonement. We are connected securely to and with the Savior as we worthily receive ordinances and enter into covenants, faithfully remember and honor those sacred commitments, and do our best to live in accordance with the obligations we have accepted. And that bond is the source of spiritual strength and stability in all of the seasons of our lives.

We can be blessed to hush our fears as we firmly establish our desires and deeds upon the sure foundation of the Savior through our ordinances and covenants.

"Sweet!" I thought. "I will go to the temple!" In my mind I arranged the time and sacrifice needed to do it on Friday morning.  It would work!

And then I remembered that the temple was closed.  Next week, I wondered?  Then the Spirit whispered to me, "If you had time to go to the temple (5 hours total), don't you also have time to go to the temple? Is not your commission to be a visiting teacher also a covenant?  Part of your baptismal covenant to succor the weak, mourn with those who mourn?  Where is your faith? How much are you willing to sacrifice for that peace you desire?" A covenant with a promise was there for the taking.  It did not require adding something else to my schedule. It simply required giving up something that I felt was dear for something even dearer...peace.

As my soul was reflecting in stunned silence, my eyes rested upon another part of Bednar's talk:

Recall how the Lord’s Apostles were in a ship, tossed in the midst of the sea. Jesus went to them, walking on the water; but not recognizing Him, they cried out in fear.

“Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.

“And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

“And he said, Come” (Matthew 14:27–29).

Peter then walked on the water to Jesus.

“But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid,” began to sink, and cried out, “Lord, save me.

“And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” (Matthew 14:30–31).

I envision Peter responding fervently and immediately to the Savior’s invitation. With his eyes fixed upon Jesus, he stepped out of the boat and miraculously walked on the water. Only when his gaze was diverted by the wind and the waves did he become afraid and begin to sink.

I realized that I am much like Peter.  God points me in a direction and I respond "fervently and immediately": homeschooling, Hungary, New York!  I am excited to know I am doing His will!  But sometimes I start looking around and noticing the waves around me...and I start to sink.  And sometimes I sink really deep.  What a beautiful way to capture how I was feeling!

How can I look to Christ?  Why am I here in New York...to create a perfect home or to serve and love others?  Why am I homeschooling..so they can score a perfect score on college application tests or to give them the education that will not only prepare their minds but their souls also for their missions in life?  Why am I a wife and mother...to run around frantically trying to meet all their needs or to  lovingly invest in and enjoy relationships with these amazing people around me?  Of course, I need to feed them and try to clean the home, but that is not the end goal...the focus.

I have been pondering on these ideas since that moment and felt I should share this experience, just in case others out there, like me, are feeling buffeted by waves that seem daunting and are sinking.

Find your own way to look to Christ.  Doubt not.  Fear not.

My house is still under construction. I still have the same 24 hours.  But I feel peace, blessed peace so much more now than before and, best part, I know it is there for my reaching for it...for my reaching to Christ to save me.

It is truly a peace that surpasseth all understanding.