A Heart at War

I am reading "A Separate Peace" and asked Oliver and Rachel DeMille (who are mentoring my "Mentoring the Classics" class right now): do you have any mentor prompts for me for this book?

Oliver says: That’s a transformational book. The mentor prompt for that one is: Read it. When you come to a place where your heart wants to open up and change - let it happen.
 

I have been thinking about this prompt as I read the book and I had some huge epiphanies this morning.

I feel that the message for me from this book is this: I make assumptions of motives in relationships around me due to a heart at war. 

This leads to the following:

--sabotaging relationships based upon mistaken assumptions, often almost without thinking about it;

--a heart at war with others around me that leads to erratic behavior (like Gene's jouncing the branch even while sticking up for Leper, with whom his "war" is to not give into bullying tendencies as so many others do);

--frequently one-sided battles, as in the case of Gene and Phineas;

--"oppositional behavior": I have always tended to manifest "contrasting" behavior to those around me. If someone is bold, I am cautious. If someone is outgoing and optimistic, I am reserved and pessimistic. If people are cautious, I am bold. If they are narrow-minded and pessimistic, I am open-minded and optimistic.  Looking over what I just read, even my descriptions bring out my negative labels of others.  Again, this battle.

--I default to frustration or attack when confronted with opposition in any form...even and perhaps even especially within myself.

First, I realized that I do manifest this behavior with my poor, dear husband.  I have blamed him for years for things that he probably isn't even aware of.  Similar to Gene's perception of his imaginary battle with Phineas, my perception of my husband's actions have created conflict that simply isn't there.  These imaginary battles lead to behavior on my part that is destructive and crippling.

Then I realized that this conflict is a reflection of what is going on in my own heart with myself.  My outward "battles" are a reflection of my inner battles.  When I don't accept myself, when I even reject myself, I impose that frame of mind with the relationships of those around me.  This is the painful beauty that lies at the core of "Judge Not That Ye Be Not Judged," I believe.  When our minds are in the frame of reference of judging ourselves in a particular area, we transfer that same frame of reference to those around us and judge them from the same perspective.  By training ourselves to not judge others and just accept them, we automatically train ourselves to not judge and just accept ourselves.

For instance, if I neglect to keep up with the housekeeping to the standards I desire, I attack my decision-making and motives, feeling that by so doing that I am deliberately sabotaging the peace of myself and those around me.  When my children don't keep up with their stewardships, I impose my same mindset of "choice" and often misinterpret incomplete results as deliberate poor decision-making... and not just innocent ignorance or forgetfulness.

Gene's heart is at war. And it kills his relationships with those around him.

At one point, he compares the arrival of the first New Hampshire snow with the arrival of war in their lives.  It comes dramatically, demanding attention. It comes early before expectation, when the ground is still green and the plants still in bloom.  It comes in waves, ever stronger, until the campus at Devon is locked under inches of snow premature to Gene's expectation. How often is this the case in the wars we fight with each other? At first there is this exciting novelty of strong emotions, until our hearts are locked under the cold hard ground. (Compare to "The Snow Queen" ice in the heart analogy: distorts the good in what we see to become undesireable.) 

Following the encompassing arrival of the snow in Devon comes the drudgery of Gene's working in it on the railroads,... ironically, even as Leper is discovering the wonder of the beaver's dam  while skiing.  Symbolically, the war has the same kind of entrance into Gene's life. At first it dramatically makes an entrance into their lives and then pulls back a little.  Bit by bit the war, like the snow, gradually comes to consume their lives, locking their progress into a stasis until they are forced to confront it and find their role in it.  In my life I allow my personal battles to develop the same way, often getting into lock-down mode in a relationship without even realizing it.  A frozen mindset develops until books like this awaken me to an awareness of it.

Even the symbolism of Gene's vs. Leper's reaction to the snow plays a part in the beauty of this analogy.  Gene takes on a job in the snow that is at first entertaining with expectation of payment. This job turns into an experience of painful exertion and monotonous repetition.  Gene's approach to relationships and life in general is at first one of enjoyment and then drudgery with painful exertion.  Does he create this in his expectations of school? of relationships? of life?

We see Gene enter relationships with a calculating approach, analyzing how to make the most of each relationship, followed by a warlike vengeance to carry out what he feels like his side of the battle requires.  He is willing to do this beyond the initial moments of fulfillment, with a mindset that if he just sticks it out, he will get "paid" at the end of the day in almost mercenary fashion.

Leper's approach to the snow is one of wonder and expectation. 

I see painful parallels with my own approach to life verses that of my husband.  His outlook is one of looking for the wonder and beauty in relationships around him. This is not done in naiveté.  It is done out of choice.  Unlike Leper, he is aware of the harshness and demanding work possible in our approach to life...and he chooses to find the joy.  I see the potential of labor and get locked into it.  I don't see the ski trip and the beaver's dam of life; I see the work, the "payment," and carry on through the drudgery.   We are both choosing our approach to the "snow" of our lives and sometimes unwittingly by default choosing what rewards we get as a result of our choice.  Isn't this so often the case with choices?

So to determine how to find this separate peace, how to end this warring in my heart, is the next question: a war that is often being fought so one-sidedly in my relationships with others. I find I can and have turned anything into a struggle for victory, from visiting teaching to friendship to marriage to homeschooling.

This is interesting to note in light of my struggle to incorporate the principles of the recent books in the Mentoring the Classics series.  My main struggle is to let go ownership of my children's education. I realize now that I have subconsciously adopted the mindset that if I just battle enough through the drudgery and the self-conceived opposition, my children will succeed. In their name and "for their good" I am actually battling against them and their genius.  

What would happen if, instead, I chose to strap on my skiis and look for the wonder?

And, even if I don't end up seeing the beaver emerge from its dam, can I, like Leper and my husband, still be content and inspired by the experience in the snow that I do have?

And can I refrain from turning these new epiphanies into my newest battle ground?

Transformational book indeed...and I am only halfway through.  Perhaps it is also time to read "Anatomy of Peace" again?

God Calls To You

I organized some of my favorite thoughts from a recent conference talk and wanted to "save" it somewhere:

God calls to you.

God knows your every thought, your sorrows, and your greatest hopes. God knows the many times you have sought Him. The many times you have felt limitless joy. The many times you have wept in loneliness. The many times you have felt helpless, confused, or angry.

Yet, no matter your history—if you have faltered, failed, feel broken, bitter, betrayed, or beaten—know that you are not alone. God still calls to you.

I testify that when we embark upon or continue the incredible journey that leads to God, our lives will be better.

This does not mean that our lives will be free from sorrow. We all know of faithful followers of Christ who suffer tragedy and injustice—Jesus Christ Himself suffered more than anyone. Just as God makes the “sun to rise on the evil and on the good,” He also allows adversity to test the just and the unjust.4 In fact, sometimes it seems that our lives are more difficult because we are trying to live our faith.

No, following the Savior will not remove all of your trials. However, it will remove the barriers between you and the help your Heavenly Father wants to give you. God will be with you. He will direct your steps. He will walk beside you and even carry you when your need is greatest.

Perhaps you don’t consider yourself all that useful; perhaps you don’t consider yourself a blessing in somebody’s life. Often, when we look at ourselves, we see only our limitations and deficiencies. We might think we have to be “more” of something for God to use us—more intelligent, more wealthy, more charismatic, more talented, more spiritual. Blessings will come not so much because of your abilities but because of your choices. And the God of the universe will work within and through you, magnifying your humble efforts for His purposes.

His work has always advanced on this important principle: “Out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”11

When writing to the Saints in Corinth, the Apostle Paul observed that not many of them would be considered wise by worldly standards. But that didn’t matter, because “God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty.”12

The history of God’s work is filled with people who considered themselves inadequate. But they humbly served, relying on the grace of God and His promise: “Their arm shall be my arm, and I will be their shield … , and they shall fight manfully for me; and … I [will] preserve them.”13

No matter your position in your community or in the Church, God will use you, if you are willing. He will magnify your righteous desires and turn the compassionate actions you sow into a bountiful harvest of goodness. --President Uchtdorf 10/17

Breaching the Gap and Filling in the Ruts

This morning I got up a little "early"to make Heidi's scones for breakfast. I love making these scones because not only are they delicious and quick but they remind me of my sweet sister-in-law and I can picture in my mind watching her make them for the first time.

As I mixed it up, I listened to a recent LDS General Conference talk called "Abiding in God and Repairing the Breach".  One part caught my attention in particular:

One memorable night a relative and I disagreed about a political issue. She briskly and thoroughly took my comments apart, proving me wrong within earshot of family members. I felt foolish and uninformed—and I probably was. That night as I knelt to pray, I hurried to explain to Heavenly Father how difficult this relative was! I talked on and on. Perhaps I paused in my complaining and the Holy Ghost had a chance to get my attention, because, to my surprise, I next heard myself say, “You probably want me to love her.” Love her? I prayed on, saying something like, “How can I love her? I don’t think I even like her. My heart is hard; my feelings are hurt. I can’t do it.”

Then, surely with help from the Spirit, I had a new thought as I said, “But You love her, Heavenly Father. Would You give me a portion of Your love for her—so I can love her too?” My hard feelings softened, my heart started to change, and I began to see this person differently. I began to sense her real value that Heavenly Father saw. Isaiah writes, “The Lord bindeth up the breach of his people, and healeth the stroke of their wound.”10

Over time the gap between us sweetly closed. But even if she had not accepted my changed heart, I had learned that Heavenly Father will help us love even those we may think are unlovable, if we plead for His aid. The Savior’s Atonement is a conduit for the constant flow of charity from our Father in Heaven. We must choose to abide in this love in order to have charity for all.

My first thought was the simple truth and beauty of this idea.  I started thinking about instances in my life where I have experienced this feeling.  As my mind wandered, I started wondering who I needed to use this with in my own life.  The thought came, myself.

"You probably want me to love [me].  How can I love [me]? I don't think I even like [me]. My heat is hard; my feelings are hurt. I can't do it."

I have let myself down a lot. I have disappointed myself, hurt myself, belittled myself and torn myself apart. 

I felt the tears on my cheeks as I heard: "But You love her, Heavenly Father.  Would you give me a portion of Your love for her--so I can love her too?" 

This healing of my self-image began long ago when I married a man who loved me in spite of what I saw as incredible odds.  A man who continues to love me and accept me on the most basic level.  It continued when I saw the love of my parents as constant and eternal, as well as the acceptance and love of my "new parents" that I was given when I got married...when I met friends who stuck with me through the ugly times of "me."  But as everyone's expression of love is imperfect, whenever I see the "imperfections" of those forms of love, I translate them to validations as to why I am unloveable.

This love of God is the one love that is perfect and eternal and will breach the gap between me and myself, I believe.  Now to put that belief into practice and pray with a particle of faith that it is true when applied to me, too.

Hope.

And then I will be able to better love and accept my children, in whom I see manifestations of what I find unlovable in myself.  It is hard not to be hard on them when I am hard on myself as well.

That "judge not that ye be not judged" is true for many reasons, one of which is that I believe that when we are in the mindset to judge/condemn a certain fault or weakness in others or ourselves, we are more prone to find it in others and ourselves and be equally harsh with it.  To not judge to condemn in an area of weakness with a person retrains our minds to accept them in spite of it, which automatically shifts that acceptance to apply to ourselves and everyone else.   It is like we have ruts that we run in that get deeper and deeper the more we travel in them so when others come along who have those same undesireable behaviors, we are already in the practice of condemning people with that weakness.  To fill in the ruts, create different paths of response...therein lies peace.

Sunday Thoughts

"As you seek to be like the Savior, be careful what your eyes wash over.
We need to be careful to more often let our eyes wash over the things of God."

"The Sabbath should be the middle of the week, not the beginning or end.  The center of our week with the Sacrament the center of the Sabbath.  That should be the center of our lives." --Elder Stevensen

"Treat what you hear from your leaders in council (in meetings) like it is a war council and act on them accordingly." --Sister Evans  
How would you change both how you listen and how you act in response to what is discussed?

Our local mission president shared a story about an African child that brought his teacher a beautiful shell as a gift. The teacher asked where he got it from. He named a certain bay that would have required many hours and much difficulty to go to.  The teacher expressed astonishment, "Do you mean you walked all that way to get this for me?  That is too much!"

The child sheepishly replied, "Long walk part of gift."

The mission president compared this to the life of our Savior: his life of poverty, his tribulations, his challenges...all these things, His very long walk through mortality, are part of His gift to us.

****************
President Nelson's challenge: First, what would your life be like without the Book of Mormon? 
Wow!  I have never really thought about that! I don't know.  I have been blessed with parents that had us read together as a family regularly.  Maybe not daily, but they did a good job trying for consistency enough that I felt it was regular :D.  So I have not felt much of a difference.  Actually, I have felt it in our own home, though, when we go a few days without it. Something feels less...less strong, less sure, less safe. 
Personally, I know that when I have gone to it for safety, security and comfort, I have always found it.  So I guess my life wouldn't have that surety, that safety.
I wonder if I would be here. I have had pretty extreme ranges of emotions in association with depression or hard experiences and know that it is has been eternal perspective that has saved me.

Second, what would you not know? 
I wouldn't know how to more peacefully resolve things as in Pahoran's and Moroni's interchange.
I wouldn't know about Nephi in the book of Helaman and how he was given the power to do anything because God knew he would not ask amiss.
I would not know the more complete view of charity that is found in Moroni 7.
I wouldn't know that God sometimes asks us to obey the deeper law of trust and faith as exemplified when Nephi slays Laban.
I would not know so surely about how sometimes bad things happen to good things, as in Alma and Amulek.

And third, what would you not have?
I would not have Nephi's psalm as a comfort.
I would not have Alma's contrast of sin and sorrow so beautifully set forth.
I wouldn't  have the passages that beautifully testify of the Savior, bringing the reality of His atonment to my heart.
I would not have the heroes in my heart that I turn to regularly: King Benjamin, Nephi, Moroni (the captain) and Moroni (the military historian), Alma the Younger, Lamoni's father who would give away all his sins to know God.
A sure knowledge that sometimes what we do will receive no visible effect after studying again and again the accounts of Abinadi and Samuel the Lamanite...a faith in a God's promptings that may seem crazy but can be trusted.

I would love to hear the answers of others, if they want to post them below or post a link to where they shared their thoughts :D. 

And what you learned today on your Sabbath!

Happy Sunday!