Breaching the Gap and Filling in the Ruts

This morning I got up a little "early"to make Heidi's scones for breakfast. I love making these scones because not only are they delicious and quick but they remind me of my sweet sister-in-law and I can picture in my mind watching her make them for the first time.

As I mixed it up, I listened to a recent LDS General Conference talk called "Abiding in God and Repairing the Breach".  One part caught my attention in particular:

One memorable night a relative and I disagreed about a political issue. She briskly and thoroughly took my comments apart, proving me wrong within earshot of family members. I felt foolish and uninformed—and I probably was. That night as I knelt to pray, I hurried to explain to Heavenly Father how difficult this relative was! I talked on and on. Perhaps I paused in my complaining and the Holy Ghost had a chance to get my attention, because, to my surprise, I next heard myself say, “You probably want me to love her.” Love her? I prayed on, saying something like, “How can I love her? I don’t think I even like her. My heart is hard; my feelings are hurt. I can’t do it.”

Then, surely with help from the Spirit, I had a new thought as I said, “But You love her, Heavenly Father. Would You give me a portion of Your love for her—so I can love her too?” My hard feelings softened, my heart started to change, and I began to see this person differently. I began to sense her real value that Heavenly Father saw. Isaiah writes, “The Lord bindeth up the breach of his people, and healeth the stroke of their wound.”10

Over time the gap between us sweetly closed. But even if she had not accepted my changed heart, I had learned that Heavenly Father will help us love even those we may think are unlovable, if we plead for His aid. The Savior’s Atonement is a conduit for the constant flow of charity from our Father in Heaven. We must choose to abide in this love in order to have charity for all.

My first thought was the simple truth and beauty of this idea.  I started thinking about instances in my life where I have experienced this feeling.  As my mind wandered, I started wondering who I needed to use this with in my own life.  The thought came, myself.

"You probably want me to love [me].  How can I love [me]? I don't think I even like [me]. My heat is hard; my feelings are hurt. I can't do it."

I have let myself down a lot. I have disappointed myself, hurt myself, belittled myself and torn myself apart. 

I felt the tears on my cheeks as I heard: "But You love her, Heavenly Father.  Would you give me a portion of Your love for her--so I can love her too?" 

This healing of my self-image began long ago when I married a man who loved me in spite of what I saw as incredible odds.  A man who continues to love me and accept me on the most basic level.  It continued when I saw the love of my parents as constant and eternal, as well as the acceptance and love of my "new parents" that I was given when I got married...when I met friends who stuck with me through the ugly times of "me."  But as everyone's expression of love is imperfect, whenever I see the "imperfections" of those forms of love, I translate them to validations as to why I am unloveable.

This love of God is the one love that is perfect and eternal and will breach the gap between me and myself, I believe.  Now to put that belief into practice and pray with a particle of faith that it is true when applied to me, too.

Hope.

And then I will be able to better love and accept my children, in whom I see manifestations of what I find unlovable in myself.  It is hard not to be hard on them when I am hard on myself as well.

That "judge not that ye be not judged" is true for many reasons, one of which is that I believe that when we are in the mindset to judge/condemn a certain fault or weakness in others or ourselves, we are more prone to find it in others and ourselves and be equally harsh with it.  To not judge to condemn in an area of weakness with a person retrains our minds to accept them in spite of it, which automatically shifts that acceptance to apply to ourselves and everyone else.   It is like we have ruts that we run in that get deeper and deeper the more we travel in them so when others come along who have those same undesireable behaviors, we are already in the practice of condemning people with that weakness.  To fill in the ruts, create different paths of response...therein lies peace.