The Laborer and the Stuffed Animal

Happy birthday, Mom!

I am so excited about the connections I found in the reading for "Come Follow Me" study this week. Even the title of the program, "Come Follow Me," is an invitation of the Savior to find "what lack I yet?" by learning from Him every week. Are we turning to the Savior through our studies? I have done so more this week than ever before and it has been a joy!!

First, the reading in Matthew 19 starts off with the Pharisees and a question about divorce. We don't know the context of this argument or why it was such a sticking point for them (that I know of) but Christ teaches that divorce is not encouraged and in fact we have been commanded to cleave unto our spouse in love and righteousness.  Dallin H. Oaks adds this clarification:

Heavenly Father intends for the marriage relationship to be eternal. However, God also understands that “because of the hardness of [our] hearts” (Matthew 19:8), including the poor choices and selfishness of one or both spouses, divorce is sometimes necessary."

So divorce is a question of selfishness, whether of one or both spouses.  So hard.

Similarly, following up with this debate, children are brought by those who love them to see and be blessed by the Lord. The children are turned away, selfishly or erroneously. Christ admonishes them: be unselfish. Let them come.

Then the rich young man enters the scene: "I have obeyed all these commandments; what next?" In Mark's account, we see that the Savior loves the young man and in this setting says, "Go and sell all that thou hast and give it to the poor." Give of your wealth and trust me that I can take care of you.

The Savior follows up with a sad statement of how hard it is for those with abundance to follow Christ. 

To give away all and take up the cross. 

Pure unselfishness...and I don't believe He is just talking about an abundance of riches. 

In a great talk by Larry R. Lawrence, "What Lack I Yet?" he gives several instances of people with an abundance of foul language, criticism, etc. Any time we have an abundance of something—hate, jealously, possessions, books, knowledge, and even sickness and tragedy and previous spiritual experiences!—and allow that to get in the way of turning to the Lord now, it can get in the way of receiving His blessings.

And what are those blessings?

Well, that is exactly what the Apostles asked next!

"What are we going to get since we are following thee? Since we did give up all?"

His answer: "To all that forsake home, mother, father, everything that seems that it should be most dear, and follow me, I will give back to them one hundredfold." Whatever you give up, He will restore it to you 100xs over. That is some incredible return on investment, eh?

Now the following parable is amazing, in relevance and in hope. I mean, who of us are really ready to give up all that we have, sell that which we have—our riches, our hate, our learning— and in turn depend upon the Savior for our hire, for our wages? I most certainly have my own favorite sins :S. We may be like the rich young man and initially go away sorrowing. But the parable of the laborers give us hope. For no matter when we consent to be hired of the Lord (for the man hiring simply went to the marketplace and gathered up those who were idle and were willing to come and work), we will receive all that the Father had. If I am not ready to consecrate all now, He is patient. I will miss the peace of knowing that at the end of the day, my family will be "fed and clothed" as was the assurance given to those early laborers with their promised wage.   But I will receive the same reward, whenever I am ready to be "hired of the Lord."

As Elder Holland said in his remarkable talk about this parable,

It is a story about grace. It underscores the thought I heard many years ago that surely the thing God enjoys most about being God is the thrill of being merciful, especially to those who don’t expect it and often feel they don’t deserve it.

What a beautiful sequence of teachings! 

 Following this, the apostles continue to jostle over position...they just don't get it! They have an abundance of time with our Savior, an abundance of His love, and they just can't let go of that early laborer feeling of jealousy of "I deserve more than them!" To their arguing the Savior lovingly replies: If you would be great, give up that which you have—your leadership, your prestige, your quest for position and power—and serve. Serve, serve, serve. Be unselfish.

28 Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.

Lily and I had a conversation the other day. She commented how she sends out so many letters, and she just doesn't know if they are doing any good. This is the labor of the Lord that consecrates us. To serve, to minister, and not necessarily be ministered unto. For as we do so, we are working side by side with our Savior in His Vineyard, even though we don't see Him there. These are parables and examples of trust. Do we trust that when God says that He will reward up more than we are able to comprehend that it will not matter what our neighbor gets? That we will be okay? That we will be happy?

As Holland also put it in his talk on this parable: "The race is against sin, not each other."

The final beautiful example in Matthew 20 is not out of place. Jesus is walking down the street and there are multitudes around. Two beggars seek his attention but the multitude seeks to drown them out. In the face of social backlash, the beggars both implore the Savior to "have mercy" on them. He asks what they would like. They want to be able to see. He does so. And this is what we can receive as we persist in the face of the clamor and the uproar and the possible backlash in our lives as we persist to the Savior and ask to see more clearly what it is that we lack and then trust that we can give that to Him and still be okay.

I have seen this happen in my life this week. God has placed a few items in my mind that I should work on. Usually, I reason and justify and find side tasks to do first...and end up not getting the thing done that seems too hard, too out of reach. This week I have purposefully decided to trust: trust that my children will be cared for as I focus on these tasks; trust that when I am asked to speak to a child about something seemingly difficult or periphery that it is going to "work"; and even to trust when to be silent when I feel a lesson should be taught and know the child will be okay. Sometimes my own wisdom, reasoning and experience stepped in the way.  But each time I have acted on these promptings, I have been amazed. Truly a week of miracles. A week of light.

It hasn't been easy. 

 Case in point: One morning, we were getting ready to go to the YMCA. Now, getting this crew anywhere is pretty epic so I choose my outings very carefully :D. Not only are there the logistics (no problem, relatively speaking) but there are the emotions.  Zsa-man is one of my most emotionally touchy kids and today it was his turn to put the brakes on the preparation. He saw Papaya carry out a stuffed animal. He insisted he must have one as well. Now, I had already prepared a container of cereal, arranged for a pair of non-irritating socks, and not even tried to offer him any but his best shoes. I thought, "letting him get a stuffed animal is worth it and will take less time," even though he was one of the last to get ready to go. (Normally a few minutes would not be a big deal, but we were trying to squeeze basketball in before one of Quinn's appointments so we were even more in a hurry than usual.)

Happily, Zsa-man hurried upstairs to get a stuffed animal. He returned, we commenced the "shoe-ing" and then he happen to see that Papaya had not one, but two stuffed animals. Oh dear! Let the drama unfold. Everyone else was gone, I tried to convince him that it would be okay, to count his many blessings (which I numbered to him while I carefully put on his socks just right so they wouldn't "feel weird"). I even told him I would let him watch a movie when we got home (a rare fun at our house)! Wasn't that cause for rejoicing?

Apparently not enough.

I carried him out, still mournful over the unfairness, over his woes.

As I humorously related the sequence of events to Quinn, chuckling over how Zsa-man was so fixated on that other stuffed animal that he couldn't see the many blessings he had, the Spirit whispered, "Sound familiar?"

My mind went instantly to the many times I let myself get in a funk because of that "other stuffed animal" that I lack. That things aren't just right, and ignore the abundance of blessings around me. This was one of my "What lack I yet?" experiences of the week and on Wednesday I had many opportunities to try and not become a Zsa-man-like basket case of emotions and forget my multitude of blessings.  Whew!  The things that went wrong!

Quite the week. Quite the lessons. Ware selfishness.  Trust the hundredfold promise.

"The formula of faith is to hold on, work on, see it through, and let the distress of earlier hours—real or imagined—fall away in the abundance of the final reward. Don’t dwell on old issues or grievances—not toward yourself nor your neighbor nor even, I might add, toward this true and living Church. The majesty of your life, of your neighbor’s life, and of the gospel of Jesus Christ will be made manifest at the last day, even if such majesty is not always recognized by everyone in the early going. So don’t hyperventilate about something that happened at 9:00 in the morning when the grace of God is trying to reward you at 6:00 in the evening—whatever your labor arrangements have been through the day."--Holland

Deception and Brownie Making

A friend recently initiated a great conversation about receiving revelation, specifically referencing a time that she had an impression--a distinct thought--that did not come to pass.  I have had a few personal experiences similar to that; for instance, a distinct impression--so strong!--that my 10th baby, little Spooner, was to be my last baby.  It was strong, out of the blue when he was 3 months old, and felt so sure.  More about that later.

I have wondered for a long time about the idea that what we receive as revelation might not be revelation--the idea that Satan can imitate the Spirit to the point where he can deceive us.  I don't know that this is possible unless we let that happen.  

I know that I have read or heard a quote that is to the effect that Satan cannot imitate the feelings of peace that comes with the Holy Ghost.  Korihor (in Alma) speaks about his experience in being "deceived" by Satan, that Satan came in the form of an angel of God...but Korihor knew that it was still Satan but said that because what Satan said appealed  to him, Korihor acted on it.  But even then, Korihor recognized that it was Satan.

Moses in the first chapter of the Pearl of Great Price has the experience of conversing with the Lord face to face and falls to the earth, overwhelmed, when the Lord departs.  Satan then appears and says, "Son of man, worship me."  Moses, having just had an amazing spiritual experience, easily recognizes the counterfeit of Satan.  I do not believe that someone who is having daily experiences with God through prayer, scriptures, repentance and Sabbath day observance including partaking of the Sacrament and temple attendance can be deceived.  Satan just cannot imitate those feelings of peace that helped Moses detect Satan's counterfeit.

My follow-up, second thought is that I believe that if an earnest, seeking person who is actively striving to have spiritual encounters through those "Primary answers" receives revelation, he or she will be blessed for acting on it with sincere intent.  Take my experiences.  I changed how I looked upon and treated that baby.  Everything that had become mundane became significant and special...because it was the last time I was going to have a little baby.  I appreciated every wonder that the years of 9 previous babies had lost in the repetition of motherhood.  Motherhood regained its magic.  

Perhaps if I had not changed, he would have been my last.  Perhaps it was a warning.  I know that I felt it strongly, distinctly, and that I acted righteously upon it.   And perhaps it was an Abraham/Isaac experience.  Because Abraham didn't end up having to kill Isaac, did it mean that God hadn't asked Abraham to kill Isaac?  Just food for thought.

Again, I really don't believe that Satan can deceive an honest seeker of truth who is seeking to have daily spiritual connections with God.  In Joseph Smith Matthew it reads regarding the last days (emphasis added):

5 And Jesus answered, and said unto them: Take heed that no man deceive you;

6 For many shall come in my name, saying—I am Christ—and shall deceive many;

7 Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you, and ye shall be hated of all nations, for my name’s sake;

8 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another;

9 And many false prophets shall arise, and shall deceive many;

10 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold;

11 But he that remaineth steadfast and is not overcome, the same shall be saved.

12 When you, therefore, shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, concerning the destruction of Jerusalem, then you shall stand in the holy place; whoso readeth let him understand...

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19 All things which have befallen them are only the beginning of the sorrows which shall come upon them.

20 And except those days should be shortened, there should none of their flesh be saved; but for the elect’s sake, according to the covenant, those days shall be shortened.

21 Behold, these things I have spoken unto you concerning the Jews; and again, after the tribulation of those days which shall come upon Jerusalem, if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there, believe him not;

22 For in those days there shall also arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall show great signs and wonders, insomuch, that, if possible, they shall deceive the very elect, who are the elect according to the covenant.

23 Behold, I speak these things unto you for the elect’s sake; and you also shall hear of wars, and rumors of wars; see that ye be not troubled, for all I have told you must come to pass; but the end is not yet.

24 Behold, I have told you before;

I had another personal experience that emphasizes the importance of having the Spirit with us and how it can help us detect if something is wrong.  It is closely related to making brownies :D.

When I make brownies, I always test the batter.  Why?  Well, I love how it tastes, but more importantly, over years of making it I can tell by a quick taste if the two smallest, yet crucial, ingredients are there: salt and vanilla.   How do I know they are not there? Because through experience I can detect the difference if they are there or not.

Years ago when I was at Yale, I took a "Medieval Christian Thought" class which I was sadly disappointed to learn had nothing to do with chivalry and Middle Age mysticism and dealt with the development of the post-Christ Christian churches.   As part of this course, I read the works of Augustine, one of the great shapers of thought at that time and since.  

Now, at Yale I felt bombarded and alone.  I didn't know more than a handful of new associates in our local branch and was miles away from my home in Utah.  It was completely foreign territory.  So every day, as a lifeline, I read my scriptures and journaled about it for at least 20 minutes every single day.  Without fail.  And it sustained me. And did more than that.

As I read Augustine's thoughts, I found myself agreeing with his explanation of doctrine. "I agree with all this!" I happily discovered.  And then, all of a sudden, something seemed wrong.  What I was reading felt wrong.  Now, I don't know how you were in college, but I spent a lot of time sitting over a page with only half a mind paying attention.  But something grabbed my attention with a certain wrongness about it.  I read it over carefully and found that all of a sudden, what I was reading was not doctrinally compatible with what I believed and had been taught.  What had changed? I wondered.  

I carefully went back over the text and found one little assumption in logic that Augustine had made in his line of reasoning that tweaked the whole argument into that wrong direction.  Now, was I, at the age of 18, ready to take on Augustine's years of logic and rhetoric?  Certainly not on my own!  But that feeling of wrongness--like when I taste that brownie batter and can tell that something is different--is a gift of God that comes when we feel the Spirit...and then it is gone.  

I have a daughter that struggles with feeling the Spirit.  She is one of the sweetest purest people I know and she struggle because she says, "Mom!  I just don't feel the Spirit speaking to me!"  A dear family member I recently spoke with is the same way.  He has always put himself into a "second-class" of members of the Church that don't feel the Spirit very often.

This is what brings me to a great Hank Smith talk* I recommend to anyone.  Sometimes, we have the Spirit with us so much that it is in it's absence that we realize it is no longer with us.  Some of us so naturally engage in the actions that qualify us for the Spirit that it is not until it is absent that we recognize that it was there.  It speaks to us all so differently.  I firmly believe that with people like my family member and daughter, they don't need a lot of direction and nudging because they so naturally and intuitively respond to the Spirit.  They are two of the most humble people I know!  I believe it is this desperation, this seeking, this humility, this pure intent that qualifies us for the Spirit and can sometimes be unrecognizable...kind of like when we have had the blanket on us all night and then wake up feeling cold because the blanket has slipped off.  We sleep blissfully, not recognizing the blanket upon us...until it is gone and we feel it's lack.

I just don't believe the sincerely seeking and practicing child of God can be deceived by Satan unless they allow it to happen.  Here's another great way to tell if you are being manipulated by Satan or being inspired of God:

"Do not be kept from the very source of true healing by the craftiness of the prince of evil and his wicked lies. Recognize that if you have feelings that you are not loved by your Father in Heaven, you are being manipulated by Satan. Even when it may seem very difficult to pray, kneel and ask Father in Heaven to give you the capacity to trust Him and to feel His love for you." --Richard G. Scott 4/2008

And the things we learn from the Spirit, like brownies well-made, will be delicious. 

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*a link to the cd collection that has this talk: "How Can I Know If I Am Feeling The Spirit?"

**A great talk that came to mind is Corbidge's talk in a recent BYU address--Feb 2019, I think--that talks about "primary" and "secondary" questions and I think that this applies to "primary" and "secondary" revelation.

Another great talk about revelation:

And a great video:

Listening Long Enough to Hear the Answer

This week has been fun.

Our van was in the shop until Tuesday evening so some great friends, the Durrants and Paces, have lent us their cars so that we could go to church and doctor's appointments and all that other good stuff :D. Yesterday we were able to go to the temple in our van which was awesome and even met up with a sister missionary, Sister Atkins, whom I cherish! We walked in the Sacred Grove and I felt such peace. I asked in my heart my standing before the Lord. Sister Gardner, Sister Atkin's companion, shared about how often we ask the Lord a question and don't expect the answer to be so clear like it was for Joseph Smith...when we have every reason to believe it could be!

So I asked the question.

As I walked in the forest, I felt the peace and calm that always happens in that sacred place when I allow it to. Too often I take for granted the nearness and frequency of my opportunities to be there. As we may be moving soon, I guess it hit home that haven't taken advantage of the opportunity to let it change my life as often as I could. The birds sang, the green encroachment of spring spread in misty silence as I walked with my little ones in tow. Well, actually I was holding sweet Liesl's sticky little hand while Hava led dancing Maia, plodding Eli and thoughtful Xai along in front of me on the trail. So not exactly in tow...

Later that day in my scripture study I was pondering the same question and looking for my answer. I felt inspired to read in 3 Nephi 11 and at the beginning of the chapter it depicted the time when the Savior came and first there were three announcements of His arrival. The people couldn't understand it the first two times, they did the third and then they saw their Savior before them. I realize now as I write this that sometimes I don't understand the answer the first time and that doesn't mean that God isn't answering me. Here was one of the most significant events in human history and the thing that came before the "great reveal" was three independent witnesses to the individuals' hearts and minds.

So often I think that I undervalue the significance of the still small voice of the Holy Ghost in revealing God's truth, maybe that the angels bearing witness in glowing person should count more.

Also, I thought about how sometimes we don't understand the answer the first time. Maybe they were not really looking for the answer so they weren't ready to understand it. Maybe my back-history of negative self identity stand in the way of me understanding truly what God sees in my as I try to hear His voice through the clouds and mists of personal esteem darkness. But He is answering. Like those people at the time of the coming in the land of ancient America before the first coming of the Savior to them, I can hear something whispering in my heart the truth of how God sees me and my worth in His eyes. I just need to keep listening, asking and focusing and someday I will hear it clearly. And someday my Savior will be there to tell me in person.