Agency

 I have been thinking a lot about agency.

I have time to do the things I choose to do.  So what if I have to be selective?  Isn't this the perfect test of how we use our agency?  The one factor that God chooses not to control.  Why do I not feel joy by choosing what I do?

So often I feel limited, controlled, powerless...but am I?  Am I not choosing the associations that "require" things of me?  And am I not the one that controls my expectations of the relationships?

Today I want to openly state that I want to recognize that whenever I do something, I am the one making the choice to do it and if I choose not to do something else, it is because that other thing is obviously not as important to me. If I chafe at not being able to do both, then perhaps I need to see and pray if there is another way to incorporate both.

But I am not a victim.  I can choose and I can choose joy in the choosing, ironically enough ;).

When things spill, I can choose to stop reading a book, eating my own food or having a conversation to clean it up...or I can leave it uncleaned up until I finish what I am doing. I don't have to be angry because others around me may also choose to do the same.

I can choose to exercise and leave the possibly screaming baby with others. I can choose to have the baby to begin with (within reason...heavenly intervention and mandate reigning supreme in that area). I can choose what I am eating to stop feeling overweight which condition impels me even more to want to exercise.

I can choose to get up with the fussing baby or let them scream while I sleep.

I can choose to clean the house rather than work on my books.

I can choose to pump milk (since the baby can't nurse) rather than just use formula, which makes it so that I cannot choose to do other things...I get to decide what is the most important.  And then I need to own that decision. I need to own all of them, even the ones made on a subconscious level.

Because I have agency.  That is the one thing that God gave me that is completely my own.  I have stewardship over it and I want to be more pro-active in taking responsibility for my choices, my attitudes and my actions.

Allowing God's Fierce Winds to Bless Us

 Today I was pondering the symbolism found in the journey of the Jaredites as found in the Book of Mormon.  I started yesterday on the prompt from "Come Follow Me":

Ether 6:1–12

The Lord will lead me toward my promised land.

You may find spiritual insights if you compare the Jaredites’ voyage across the ocean to your journey through mortality. For example, what has the Lord provided that lights your way like the stones in the Jaredites’ barges? What might the barges represent, or the winds that “blow towards the promised land”? (Ether 6:8). What do you learn from the actions of the Jaredites before, during, and after the voyage? How is the Lord leading you toward your promised land?

Minerva•K. Teichert (1888–1976), Journey of the Jaredites across Asia, 1935, oil on linen on masonite, 35 x 48 inches. Brigham Young University Museum of Art.

I had started yesterday and done it about halfway, brainstorming that the barges could represent our actual physical homes, as well as those communities we build around us: family, friends, church, local, homeschool, etc.  

Today I spent more time thinking about the fierce winds.  We had a very strong wind system that blew through a couple days ago, knocking down many trees and making some areas go without power. It was perfect timing to help me relate to the "fierce winds" that blow. As I studied these passages, I noticed a few things about these fierce winds:

-they caused tempests

-they did not cease to blow

-they drove the people in the barges to the promised land

-God made them

It made me think about mortality and how God never ceases to "blow us," figuratively speaking, to the promised land, or becoming like Him.  But then I thought, "Well, some people don't want to progress and He doesn't force them." As the hymn goes, "He'll call persuade, direct aright, and bless with wisdom, love and light. In nameless ways be good and kind...but never force the human mind." ("Know This That Every Soul Is Free," hymnbook of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints)

I then realized another personal symbolism of the barges reflected on the previous day.  Our barges can be the covenants we make with God.  When we make a covenant we put ourselves in God's hands to direct us. We trust Him as we pay tithing; consecrate our goods to serve Him and the poor; serve in callings; multiply and replenish the earth; are baptized and weekly make time to partake of the Sacrament.  All these are actions of trust and take faith, symbolically putting those parts of our lives in His hands.

I was then struck with further connection: in a very real sense, when we enter into the barges of our covenants, we are letting God prevail, one of the very definitions of the word "Israel."  We are letting the winds that He blows in our life drive us to be like Him, trusting Him as the Jaredites did in such a literal way--gathering all their family and possessions into a barge that they could not direct nor steer.  We are becoming part of the gathering of Israel.

Is this choice to let God prevail mindless? Far from it. It is very intentional and requires preparation and purpose. It is a choice.  There is so much we can enjoy and experience while in our barges, but "the wind will never cease to blow" our overall course to our promised land as we counsel with Him, trust Him and submit ourselves to the mandates of our covenants, symbolically building our barges with our faith we place in Him.

Are there other winds that blow? Absolutely.

Can we stay on that shore and never enter into those barges and still survive? Absolutely.

But it may just be that we will never make it to our own "promised land," that place where we experience a fulness of our potential and a fulness of joy.

They understood the third time

 There's an account in the Book of Mormon that just before the Savior appeared to the people, they heard a voice speak to them three times. The first two times they didn't understand it but there was enough about the feeling of the message that they strained to listen for it despite not understanding it the first two times.

I have been listening to the General Conference messages again and have been amazed at the messages I "didn't hear" the first time. Some I have listened to a couple times. As I was struck by the personal revelation I received that I didn't get the first time, the situation of the Book of Mormon people came to mind. 

Sometimes we just have to listen again to really get the message and not just a good feeling 😏.

"Let God Prevail"

 I was struck by the recent address of the prophet of my church, President Russell M. Nelson.  He expounds on the word "Israel" which, among other things, means let God prevail.

There is something so beautiful in this concept: a trust, a submission, a deep faith in God.

He couples this concept with the mandate to gather Israel, something that often feels daunting to me and leaves me feeling inadequate:

For centuries, prophets have foretold this gathering,¹¹ and it is happening right now! As an essential prelude to the Second Coming of the Lord, it is the most important work in the world!

This premillennial gathering is an individual saga of expanding faith and spiritual courage for millions of people. And as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or “latter-day covenant Israel,”¹² we have been charged to assist the Lord with this pivotal work.¹³

I was grateful for this address because as I listened to the talk again this morning, I came across this beautiful portion that kind of shifted that feeling of guilt to one of gratitude:

When we speak of gathering Israel on both sides of the veil, we are referring, of course, to missionary, temple, and family history work. We are also referring to building faith and testimony in the hearts of those with whom we live, work, and serve. Anytime we do anything that helps anyone—on either side of the veil—to make and keep their covenants with God, we are helping to gather Israel.

Motherhood.  Welcoming our new little Penelope into the world.  By giving her an opportunity to experience mortality--and experience it in a family that knows the covenants of God--we are helping to gather Israel!  When I speak of repentance and God's mercy and commandments to my children, I am gathering Israel. As I testify of my love of the temple and the covenants I have made there, I am gathering Israel.

The talk led me on to consider how I can "let God prevail" personally in my life and this process is surprisingly strengthening.

How?

Are you willing to let God prevail in your life? Are you willing to let God be the most important influence in your life? Will you allow His words, His commandments, and His covenants to influence what you do each day? Will you allow His voice to take priority over any other? Are you willing to let whatever He needs you to do take precedence over every other ambition? Are you willing to have your will swallowed up in His?¹⁸

We can look up.

When we are surrounded by darkness, overwhelmed by temptation or our inadequacies, despairing because of the evil that seems so pervasive around us, like Joseph Smith we can "exert all our powers" to look up and cry to God...and He then can prevail.  So what does that mean?  To me, it means being able to lean into someone so much stronger and smarter than I am and let them take care of me.  It is real.  It is the most comforting sensation.

It reminds me of what I read in the Book of Mormon yesterday, in Mormon.  Mormon is a prophet who has witnessed vast wickedness and destruction take over a people that he loves.  You can feel his love as he chooses to lead them into battles even knowing that they at their heart are rejecting the One who will help them win all battles. 

He uses the phrase: they might have been clasped in the arms of Jesus. I was struck this time by the word "clasped"...not really the type of manly word you would imagine being used by a hardened battle leader.  But Mormon uses the intimate and strong word to describe the relationship his people could have felt...to me, intimating that he himself had experienced it.  Letting God prevail is putting yourself in a place where you are letting yourself by clasped in the arms of Jesus.

O ye fair ones, how could ye have rejected that Jesus, who stood with open arms to receive you!

There are such beautiful promises with "letting God prevail":

When your greatest desire is to let God prevail, to be part of Israel, so many decisions become easier. So many issues become nonissues! You know how best to groom yourself. You know what to watch and read, where to spend your time, and with whom to associate. You know what you want to accomplish. You know the kind of person you really want to become...

Now, how does the Lord feel about people who will let God prevail? Nephi summed it up well: “[The Lord] loveth those who will have him to be their God...

And what is the Lord willing to do for Israel? The Lord has pledged that He will “fight [our] battles, and [our] children’s battles, and our children’s children’s [battles] … to the third and fourth generation”!

So my comforting messages:

-I am letting God prevail and gathering Israel right now in being a mother.

-I can reach up to Him when I am feeling weakest and He will prevail in the strongest way.

-By letting God prevail, I will have an easier time making decisions, I will feel God's love, and He will fight my and my children's battles...and really, what more do I need to worry about?

It has to be a regular, conscious choice.  Somehow, having felt that experience of being "clasped in the arms of Jesus" makes it easier. I am grateful for this beautiful reminder to "let God prevail."

Blessing of Meeting Together as Saints

 I was struggling with loving myself and had a great RS lesson yesterday...my first time attending a RS class since COVID started, I believe. It was cool because I felt prompted to return to attending my meetings and I got some answers to my struggles:

-"blame God for those weaknesses I hate...hahaha." Obviously, "blame God" is never a real thing that we want to do, but Sister Margaret Pace said it in context of Ether 12:27 about how He gives us those very weaknesses that we hate. So really, we can trust Him and not hate ourselves because of our weaknesses, but it was a cute way to remember it—combined with her adorable laugh and smile.

She also mentioned that it is those weaknesses that are actually there for the good of us and the good of others, so we will be able to look back and see how those very things that annoyed us about ourselves will bless others.

-"Just move on." Again, Sister Pace said that she makes mistakes, apologizes sincerely and tries to fix what she can and then just moves on and doesn't worry about it any more. Or at least tries not to, but it is what she tries to remember.

-"Blame Satan...and then banish him." Satan is truly good at poking at our weakest spots like the worst kind of Chinese water torture. Sister Cheryl Arcangel said that she literally incorporates what we learn at the temple about eliminating the influence of Satan in our lives. She testified that she has done this consistently enough with certain temptations—particularly the self-belittling one—that Satan doesn't even have an influence on her there anymore. So cool!

I am excited to try these things and am grateful for the added witness about the good of meeting together in a congregation...even if it is over Zoom :D.

Becoming As A Little Child

Last night we came across these verses in 3 Nephi chapter 11 of the Book of Mormon:

37 And again I say unto you, ye must repent, and ^abecome as a ^blittle child, and be baptized in my name, or ye can in nowise receive these things.

38 And again I say unto you, ye must repent, and be baptized in my name, and become as a little ^achild, or ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God.

The parallel formation of these two verses stood out to me, bringing to focus what was different.  In the first one, you become like a little child and then be baptized. In the second verse you are baptized and then become like a little child.

I asked my family why they thought both of these verses would be included.  Quinn pointed out that it is important to become as a little child so that we are humble enough to be baptized but after we are baptized it is just as important to maintain that child-like demeanor.

This morning I woke up and pondered on what it means to be child-like.  A good friend of mine posted on Instagram recently about watching her kiddos at the park and learning from them. I thought about things my own kids have shown me recently and a couple things stood out:

-Spooner (7) is always saying, "Today is the best day ever!!!" True, he occasionally also has "the worst day ever" but rarely.  He approaches each new day full of hope and anticipation.  During my prayer this morning, a little of that attitude crept in my heart and it was a good feeling :).

-Whenever someone is hurt or suffering, both Eli (5) and Liesl (2) will soften up their whole demeanor and gently approach the person, pudgy little hands outstretch to offer a hug, gentle stroke or comforting hand accompanied with soft words.  At that moment, the only thing that matters is the suffering person or creature and my little ones are full of love and compassion.

-Snuggling is not only sufficient but essential. It's okay to stop everything for a good snuggle. It goes a long way.

-There is power in gazing into someone's eyes and just letting love and sincerity flow.  As adults, we hide too much of ourselves.  Maybe we are afraid of being vulnerable.  There is beauty in the bravery of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.

-They trust me implicitly.  Which reminds me of a favorite video at our house:

"They trust me so completely.  How I long to do the same."

Fresh starts.  Hope.  Pure love.  Child-like.

I am so grateful for the little examples that surround me and remind me of the beauty of becoming child-like. 

Hope

 I discovered and discussed this painting this morning with Piper.  It beautiful captures my heart at different stages in my road to emotional healing.   Just sitting and looking at this art after reading the description really touched me.  Maybe it will bless others.

HOPE

by George Frederick Watts. (1817-1904)

This is one of the earliest of the great morality pictures by which Watts earned his fame. Describing these, he said: "All my pictures in the Tate Gallery are symbolic and for all time. Their symbolism is , however, more suggestive than worked out in detail." He goes on: "I want to make people think. My intention has not been so much to paint pictures that will charm the eye as to suggest great thoughts that will appeal to the imagination and the heart, and kindle all that is best and noblest in humanity."

"Hope" illustrates the power of these pictures to make people think. The blinded figure, seated on the sphere with her broken lyre, is bending her ear to catch what music she may from the last remaining string. She cannot see the star shining above her; one by one the sweet notes of music have been taken from her, but still she sits, bowed but not broken, plucking with tender fingers whatever melody she may from the last string of those that gave her the full harmonies of beauty. She has no vision either of the star above or of the world of darkness and gloom below. Her attitude of dejection almost rejects the conventional idea that there is happiness to be found when everything seems lost, but the picture suggests the larger hope of the world that there is peace and light above the turmoil and sorrow of the earth.

Watts was something more than a painter. He painted for no gain save the reward of achievement when he felt he has a message to deliver through his pictures. To his purposes he deliberately sacrificed his natural dexterity and technique, holding that the artist should be lost in his picture. Nevertheless, the power of colour which is exhibited in "Hope" is one of the most marked qualities of his work. The whole is a delicate harmony in blues and greens, and is suggestive of the Italian influence which so strongly affected the painter.

--Tate Gallery, London

My Customized "Promised Land"

I am beginning to believe, life is not about being righteous enough to attain the promised land you seek.

Life is about being humble enough to accept the promised land that God gives you.

As I was thinking about the different prophets in ancient and more modern history, I am sure none of them pictured what the end of their lives would bring: Lehi dying in America practically on the shores; Nephi building a new nation; Joseph Smith building Nauvoo in a swamp then leaving his family to die; Job losing so much and receiving a whole new batch of life.  Good, bad--but all probably very unforeseeable at the beginning...or even the middle.

While all of them received such a measure of blessings that were, quite frankly, beyond imagination, I think I am seeing something of a truth:

I need to stop trying to use my attempts at righteousness to get my own perceived version of "the promised land."

Along with it's complementary truth:

When my life seems to not be heading for that "promised land" I envision--whether an internal or external one--it is not a sign that I am doing something wrong or need to fix something.

It's not a sign that I am damaged, broken, powerless, unworthy, or insufficient.

My ownership of the results of my life and actions end at a certain point.

My happiness can be found in recognizing that point and accepting it.

And my feelings of self-worth can actually be improved by being humble enough to recognize these truths.

When you think about it, God's eternal glory is an existence working with hateful, damaged, broken, struggling people in whom He chooses to see the potential and inherent glory despite most of what they do and say.  His focus is an endless provision of opportunities for their learning growth and development, knowing that time and time again they are going to use those opportunities--that very agency that will make them just like Him--to murder, plunder and steal.

I am currently surrounded--practically enveloped--by people with amazing hearts and beautifully imperfect selves.  This is not a tirade against anyone who is hurting me or mine.

This is about confronting years of built in self-conditioning of "if-then" deep emotional confirmation that has left me hitting my head against a wall trying to change my current "promised land."

God's own "promised land" is full of intimate experiences with joy and pain, love and hate.  Maybe to be like Him is not a matter of accepting endless bliss. It is a matter of choosing to see the beauty and potential in a plan full of pain.

After my deep healing of last fall...

I know I am doing my beautifully imperfect best.

I know that Christ's Atonement gives all the victims of my life the opportunity to heal and grow past what I will limit them too.

I know that I can and do forgive myself.

Now, I am just working on liking myself.  Perhaps I will get further if I can deeply internalize the truth of where my ownership ends in my life.  Because, truly, I can see all the blessings that I am surrounded by and have been a little flummoxed as to why I am still raging inside at times.

Maybe this will help.  Maybe the storms inside are just part of my current promised land.  That is where I am seeking peace and resolution.  I have learned that the storms outside penetrate less when the soul is at rest and my internal situation is the one that I truly have more ownership over and the one I struggle to reconcile.

A "Crawl"-Worthy Experience

As we... symbolically sacrifice our hearts and our sins upon the sacrament altar, we receive the Holy Ghost to a greater degree...
"We could... bring a sacrifice of at least one thing that keeps us from being like Jesus Christ to the sacrament altar."

I love this reminder of how to make the weekly partaking of the sacrament--which can easily become routine-- into a transformative event. Such purposeful approach to the sacrament table has brought powerful joy and peace to me. This hasn't always been the case, though. It has definitely been a process, starting with the following experience.

Several years ago I came across a quote from Pres. Faust that went something along the lines of--if we truly understood the significance of the sacrament, we would literally crawl on hands and knees to the sacrament table each week. While I thought it was a cool quote, it just kind of lingered in my head as I weekly went to my Utah wards.

In 2012 our family moved overseas to live in Hungary. We had 10 children at the time and relied exclusively upon public transportation. We ended up living in a village that required us to leave at 730 am, catch a bus going into Budapest,  dash across the overpass of an 8-lane freeway to catch a bus leaving from Budapest to make it to our branch house in Érd by 10 am.  We knew it was where the Lord wanted us so we did it. 

Well, one week my husband was visiting his parents,  who were on their mission in Norway. He was the sole Hungarian speaker in our family and had always handled our bus transactions. My oldest was 16, my youngest 5 months and I had a decision to make.  Pres. Faust's quote came to my mind and I thought,  "Well, I am not crawling yet so where's my excuse?"

We went and we made it. I remember the Branch being pleasantly surprised and confused when I showed up without my husband. A few weeks later one of the members was at our home. He was one of the two people in the branch who spoke broken English enough for us to communicate. "Why did you come to church that week?" he asked. I could tell it had been on his mind. The quote again came to mind and I shared it. The Spirit witnessed of its truthfulness.

Interestingly enough, I still didn't experience why...why we should treat the partaking of the sacrament in such a life-saving way. It has only been now, seven years later of faithfully "crawling" some days to church, that I am deeply experiencing how redemptively beautiful the Sacrament can be for me in my progression.  It has become that "crawl-worthy" event after years of truly just acting on faith, a sacred time to become cleansed and refocused.

The Chameleon, the Cave, the Lizard...and Maia

I love conversations with my son, Drew. I never know where they are going to go. I particularly enjoy when he shares songs that mean something to him. We both resonate with the arts and I have found some deep truths in songs he has shared with me, from "Straight, White Male" to "Terrible Things." On this particular occasion, Drew shared with me a song called, "Bad Liar," a song about a divorced man singing to his wife. The potential meaning is complex and so I asked him what he thought it was saying. His answer took me into an epiphany that was timely.

An epiphany that strangely enough deals with chameleons, caves and lizards.

Background

Just the day before I had hit an unexpected place. I was home with my cute little three while all the "olders" are wandering the world in their variously unique places, some closer to home than others. They were quiet upstairs (undoubtedly eating a stolen candy bar, the wrapper of which I found under my bed the next day). The house was clean enough. I had nothing due. Nothing I felt like I had to do. I was walking around a peaceful house at the end of a pretty chill day and yet I was feeling confused. (Best word I can think of.)

Now, I am quick to pick up on unusual emotions during the last few months. Thanks to my Heavenly Father and October, I have:

(1) a new level of inner peace which has completely banished self-disparagement for the most part, and

(2) a primal understanding of His absolute love for me independent of any thing I have ever done. I no longer base my feelings of worth upon my accomplishments nor the responses of others to my actions and have been reveling in that feeling of peace for the past few months.

It is beautiful and has been freeing.

So this feeling of disquiet on a night that had no reason for disquiet caught me off guard. I had nothing I had to do, needed to do, felt inspired to do. I felt like a blank sheet. And I didn't really like it. It confused me.

Who am I? If God doesn't need me to serve for His sake but only my own, doesn't need me to change a world that He is entirely capable of saving, doesn't place another's salvation contingent upon my actions...then what? Who am I? What do I want? As a driven idealist, what next?

I felt myself caught up in self-reflection and sat down in a chair. "I want to read," I thought. "That's what I want to do."

Lesson about "filtering" from Anne Frank

I picked up "The Diary of Anne Frank" since I had never read it and Hava is currently reading it. I was immediately drawn into her vibrant self-reflection. At the beginning she shares how she was excited to write down those things that she feels deeply and privately. And she does just that, in a beautiful, real, teenager way. It made me stop and think. I don't do that. I keep my writings and my reflections honest yet filtered.

Let's talk about "filtered." It's like writing itself. If I were to keep on the page the mis-typed, ill-written grammatics that initially come from my dyslexic fingers, no one would be able to make heads or tails of my writing. My personality when it first comes out in raw, unfiltered form is poorly understood and never really appreciated.

I see it in my Maia. I see her energy, her exuberance, her endless passionate reaction to both help and respond to any given situation. She feels so deeply and reacts so unfiltered. And people have a hard time seeing that big beautiful heart that lies behind all that is "Maia."

Anne Frank opened up to my mind a life full of teenager personality. I found meaning not so much in the fighting, not in the tragic circumstances, but in the little things like how she found her favorite area to bathe herself or what a challenge it was for her--a chatter-box--to sit still for three days while the plumbing was worked on.

It left me feeling at peace.

Back to Chameleons

It was in this state of self-reflection that Drew's interpretation came in. He told me about the way the "Mentalist" described people: how we have three layers of reaction (in my own words).

(1) chameleon: the layer of reaction most common. How we change ourselves for the situation, for people, for ourselves. It is the controlled reactions we create based upon circumstances and how we choose to react.

(2) cave: the place of reaction that is more primal, more concealed. It is a safer, more hidden place that we only show a certain set of people, perhaps seen as more real. It is how we act in our homes or in our private lives. (Drew could flesh it out better.)

(3) lizard: this area of reaction is "fight" or "flight." This is something I had experienced on Sunday when my emotions were raw from experiences the days before and I reacted strongly to an unfortunate sweet soul in first a "fight" then "flight" manner. While I felt sorry for the woman and the unintentional hurt that she felt, I also felt sorry because our friendship wasn't strong enough for that interaction. She couldn't take that part of me that is very real but most often filtered.

As Drew shared this with me, I got stuck mentally. I found myself trying to process where the real me was in relation to the chameleon, cave and lizard. The implications upon the meaning of the song is the story for another day because what I realized at 2 am the next morning was: I was something MORE than a chameleon, a cave or a lizard. I am more than my reactions to other people. While that is also who I am--as my personality is intermingled in my reactions--my identity, my self exists outside of my interactions with other people.

Which led me back to Maia.

Maia and My Personality

Maia is so much like me, for which I am grateful. It has given me an opportunity to learn about myself from the outside.

If you have any experience with Maia, chances are feelings of frustration, anger, bafflement, intrusion, unexpected physical force and irritation come to mind. From a certain point of view, she is a whirlwind of messes, physicality and volume. As I have prayerfully sought how to interact more positively with her, I have been blinded by the sheer radiance and sincerity of her soul. She is a good, kind, earnest person who only really desires to act upon what is true and right and she is trying to figure it out. She doesn't know how to turn it off. She is driven.

Maia loves everyone with her whole heart and body, so "love" means climbing on you, yelling your name at the top of her lungs, and lots and lots of art that is dedicated to how much she absolutely adores you.

The reaction? Most people are put off by, annoyed by or down-right antagonistic towards her. Correct, tolerate, stifle, moderate, shape, change...all these are usual reactions to Maia.

And that's my personality. I see in her all the things I did as a kid. I knew everything. I made huge creative messes and never cleaned up. I wrote letters to everyone who might possibly love me, showering them with love. I licked up any kind of affection and approval. I was in many situations in school, church and among "friends" where I knew that I was barely tolerated when I wasn't outright rejected. I saw potential in everything and never gave up.

I probably deserved some of the negative reactions. As a five year old, I threatened to punch my mom in the stomach a week after her c-section. Precocious. I was bossy to my brothers, spunky, vivacious, loud and kind of all out there.

I look at her. I think of me. Who am I? Who is my natural, non-conditioned response self?

Strangely, as part of this journey, my mind wandered back to one of the darkest times in my life.

Lesson in Paradise

I find it interesting that one of the deepest moments of my depression happened in a picturesque beachfront apartment in Brazil with Tova, Quinn and Liesl. 

Without recognizing it,  I was in a situation where they didn't need me to do anything or be anything to be happier.  They just wanted me to be happy and they were already content. 

It was at this early stage of my healing I realized:

A) I was scared and embarrassed of being who I was after years of living in feedback mode.  Here were two people who felt no differently towards me regardless of what I did or even who I was.  At the time I think I allowed it to make me feel worthless because my worth or value before hadn't really been in who I was but the good I was able to do.  

B) I was horrified at the thought of hurting others so lived in constant fear of generating a negative response in others because of something I did, said or was.  Here I was with three people who were content with me just for who I was outside of that.

C) I am not sure what my personality outside of conditioned response is. I think at a basic level I don't like or am afraid how "the full real me" will be taken,  which is interesting to recognize now that I have a blessedly more healthy and stable outlook at my external interactions.

It was at 2 am Friday morning that I realized on a conscious level that I have learned to not like my personality, a personality that can be every bit as irritating, loud, messy and overwhelming as is my Maia's, bless her heart.

I am grateful for the space and awareness I have been given to be my beautifully distinct and imperfect self. I realize now at this stage in my life that other people's negative reaction towards who I am doesn't reflect anything inherently wrong with me. Of course, my core desire to never hurt anyone remains the same. Of course, I will have chameleon, cave and lizard responses. But I am looking forward to the unfolding, the re-emergence of my beautiful personality because even if I can't see it in myself, I see it in Maia.

My self will manage the chameleon, not the other way around.