I just had a huge breakthrough moment mentally and need to write my way through it. (Warning: wordy and very personal.)
It's all about decisions. Making them. The consequences. The pain. The Purpose.
Decision Awareness
For years I and many around me have struggled to make decisions. Why is that? Why do we have a hard time making decisions?
I am reminded of the time that I read “What Is Seen And Not Seen?,” a short essay by Bastiat that apparently the Founding Fathers really liked. While largely a social economy essay, the main concept is that we cannot see the rippling effect of each choice. Writers and speakers today refer to it as the “Butterfly Effect”: a butterfly's wings move air that can ultimately become a hurricane.
So each of our decisions has that same effect. From the looks we give to the blatant actions we take, each motion, each microdecision has an impact—from individual to widespread. And I believe that it is in the awareness of effects we can see coupled with the unperceived reality of what we don't see that makes ...each...decision...so...hard.
My entire life I have been acquiring an increased awareness of my social footprint. The more I learn, the more I study, the more I am exposed to different people, places, cultures and ideas—honestly, the more I just live in awareness of the effects of my actions—the more I learn about:
Often my mind will be a whirlwind of the possibility of a moment. For instance, Xai just came up to me. Instantly my desire to give him a big hug and start interacting with him warred with my feelings that I need to write down these thoughts. Thoughts race about IMPACT:
I have always struggled to determine the right decision. In my idealistic world, there was a way to always do the right thing so whenever I made decisions that yielded negative impacts—whether through personal weakness and choice or ignorance—I berated myself. When it was a genuine sin, I learned how to find solace in repentance, although I definitely had a hard time forgiving myself. When it was pain or hurt caused in others or disorder or imperfection created through my decision making, it was like I gave myself permission to scold, hate and even mentally scourge myself.
Mental Scourging
This was a largely unaware process, a default that I generated at some stage of my development; but it became acceptable.
It became engrained.
It became right.
And when I ran over Isaak, it became the new complete reality.
Finally, I had crossed the line over irredeemable. I was faced with many decisions, the biggest one immediately following was to live or die. Again, the ripple effect of possibilities rolled before me: take my life and stop causing pain and horror in the lives of others or keep living and keep inflicting pain.
If I took my life, my family would have to suffer more immediate mourning. The children would be left to face life with a mother who killed herself and the emotional, psychological damage of unforeseen magnitude of that action. If I lived, I would be there to keep causing pain and suffering through my ignorance, ineptness, or choice.
While currently I can see the flaws in this mental state, it was the reality that spring day on the back patio at our house in Kearns in 2003.
I obviously chose the previous option.
Moving forward, I received different levels of healing and feelings of forgiveness. However, underlying it wall was this driving sense of....something. It translated into aggression, huge mood swings and almost constant self-belittlement. Every choice I made seemed to be not quite right. No matter what I chose, someone or something somewhere suffered for that choice.
And the weight had become oppressive.
Even to not make a choice is a choice in itself to be weighed in the balance.
A few years ago, I had a deep and cleansing healing experience with reference to Isaak's death that left me feeling like a new baby with a clean slate. It was a transformational level of healing that alleviated years of inner self-disgust regarding that one horrific day. It was an incalculable respite from that burden.
For a while, that was enough. I basked in the lightness I felt. The inner self-acceptance.
Love yourself
But then something started pricking. I couldn't relax and not feel like a terrible person. I couldn't just sit and enjoy my family. Apparently, I wasn't just compensating for the tragic loss I had caused. Apparently, there was something else happening internally that was torquing my ability to feel content with myself.
What was it?
I began “hearing” whiffs of it in my prayers, which became stronger and stronger over time.
Love yourself.
At first, whenever I felt that I would immediately scoff. I would make excuses. I would justify why that was particularly selfish.
And then I started realizing how deeply that one omission was affecting me. It was preventing me from opening up myself to share in a loving relationship with others. Oh, I could see everyone else's blinding beauty and worth! But I've come to realize that I then tried to either make myself worthy of that relationship or didn't open myself up, fearing my ugliness within would hurt or bore or annoy them. It was painful. It was heavy. It was laced with that same self-belittlement that, logically, I knew was not healthy, correct, and even selfish. But then I would hate myself more for hating myself. Whew. It was exhausting.
However, I was beginning to see the truth behind the commandment, “Love your neighbor as yourself” with its inherent reversal, “Love yourself like your neighbor.” I could feel my ability to love curbed as I tried to control the impact I had on others....always failing. Because I had strong habits of berating myself, sometimes in moments of heat, those thought patterns would transfer onto those around me. It is very hard to change inner dialogue from hate to love on a dime, especially in moments of duress. I prayed for God to show me how.
Those who know me, know how intense I can get. Imagine that, directed at my soul, rife with disgust. Oh, I had many times free of it, when the world around me, the Spirit, etc would help me find joy in what was going on and peace did penetrate myself. But there was definitely no underlying base of worth or acceptance that existed. It just sat there in my soul, rearing its nasty head when I was struggling or under duress.
Each decision caused pain, burdens, hurt or annoyance somewhere. Every moment I felt like I was weighing the “good, better, best” of that moment and no matter my good intentions, I just couldn't stop hurting people. I came to relish times of being away from everyone, attributing it to some “introvert” quality. And I felt bad for yearning to be away from everyone, even those I loved.
How could that be right? I was definitely stuck.
The Problem of Pain
As I pondered how to move forward, finally seeing the cage I was in, I started reflecting on pain.
Over the years, I would cry out to heaven, “Please take me away so I stop causing pain!!”
However, lately I started thinking: was I really that determined to not cause pain? Is pain so bad? Spending a lifetime avoiding pain is not only unhealthy but unrealistic. (Yes, the line from “Princess Bride” is perfect here: “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling you something.”) I also was mindful of the experience and strength that comes through certain kinds of pain. And I didn't shirk much from pain caused to myself if it was for a higher cause.
So was “the ideal” to not experience pain? No, it couldn't be. But was it right for me to cause pain? Just because pain is an inevitable part of existence, is it okay to deliberately cause it? That doesn't seem right either.
I think often about Eve and her decision in the Garden of Eden. Up until very recently, I felt like her struggle to decide to partake of the fruit—“Is there no other way?”—lay in the fact that she was bringing pain into the world. Her decision would cause pain. But as I write that now, how could the factor of “pain” be part of that decision? She didn't know what “pain” even was at that point....
...which leads me to the HUGE EPIPHANY that I had this week.
The True Burden of Choice
On Wednesday, my bishop counseled me to consider why God loves me. I KNOW He loves me more completely than I know pretty much anything else due to some very sacred experiences I have had over the years. But I have struggled to feel worthy of that love.
As I pondered the Bishop's request, a few things came to mind.
- I really am a nice person. I love to serve. I can be mean. I am not perfect. But overall, I am nice.
- I have a soul that loves purely.
- I live with integrity. almost maniacally always trying to make the “right” decision.
So what was the problem? I knew that the Atonement was there for me. Why did I feel such despair currently? I just kept feeling like no matter what I did, no matter how much I tried to honor God's laws, I just kept being unworthy or horrible or ugly.
Then it hit me. I don't remember how. I think it was when I was listening to 2 Nephi 2, when we learn that the Atonement paid the price for the transgression of the Fall. It hit me: there were two commandments.
- Multiply and replenish the earth
- Don't eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil
It was impossible to do both. And they had to make the choice. I don't buy the whole scenario, “God didn't come down in time to stop them from making a bad choice.” Really?? He was distracted??
I don't think so.
And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.
And they would have had no children.
So they had to make a choice. A choice that caused a lot of pain. A choice that caused progression. An obedient choice.
God knew that they would violate one commandment or the other, either by omission or commission. And there was a plan in place. Going back to 2 Nephi 2:
But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things....
And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law
Christ paid the price.
They had two laws in conflict with each other, and Christ paid the price for the law that they were violating in order to honor the law that was highest at that moment!!
And that day, it hit me.
Each book of scripture begins with choice: a choice where two laws are in conflict..
Doctrine and Covenants, where we find Joseph Smith facing a decision to honor his trust with his commendable, supportive mentor, Martin Harris or to honor his faith in God's word that he not share the 116 pages with Martin's wife.
Mary and Joseph are confronted with the decision to honor God's direct instruction or honor social and moral constructs of their day and their religion.
Nephi is instructed by an angel to kill Laban, going counter to the 10 Commandments—also the word of God.
And Adam and Eve were given two commandments in the Garden of Eden: go forth and multiply and don't eat of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.
This whole life, every choice we make, is a decision between laws. And when we honorably and with integrity decide to honor the law that we feel is highest at the moment, Christ's atonement will pay the price for our transgression of any lower law! And the Atonement heals, supports, loves, pays the price, and makes all things whole.
We see it in the scriptures:
We see it in our lives:
-invest in creating productions that my kids are in or stop and take time to go on a walk
-save for the future or use the money for the poor
-take a needed break or make a house of order.
-correct a child or let the Spirit teach them.
-serve in church or serve my family
-spend time reading my scriptures or exercising
-date with my husband or snuggle with the kids to sleep.
I was caught up in bearing the burden for the many, many ways I was transgressing laws as I make decisions. I was feeling so dirty and unacceptable. I have to make choices—even the choice to NOT make a choice—and the knowledge and increased awareness I have gained over the years was helping me see more and more the effect of my choices. How could I be a good person and be creating so much actual and potential for pain and heartache? Even at the end of a day where I felt I had done my best, all day long, I would hurt, especially when I was already feeling tired or vulnerable.
A case in point: a few nights ago, Penelope was struggling to go to sleep; Liesl and Eli were upset that I wasn't snuggling with them until they went to sleep, and I had asked Maia and Piper to play a game with me since I missed doing things with them in our busy schedule. It tore me apart. Kids were crying or waiting or whining. I was so frustrated. I was so sad.
All those transgressions just added up. And I couldn't see how Christ would or should forgive me of them if I had gone into the decision with my eyes wide open to the negative cost of those decisions. Surely there must be some way to not cause that pain or potential ripples of negativity.
Apparently not.
Apparently that lesson is important enough it is practically the first lesson of each book of scripture.
We have to make hard choices. The highest law is the one God is telling us to do at that very moment. And we can trust Him that the Atonement will redeem us from the effects of transgressing the law that is lesser at the moment as we act with integrity. I can live with that.
So is this life about making decisions? Absolutely. Making decisions that honor whatever the Higher Law is at the moment. That is what God does constantly, make decisions guided by the highest Law at the moment. He weeps at the pain. He rejoices at the beauty.
And we are all seeking to become like Him.
I think I am starting to get the Purpose of decisions.
I feel peace.
