Born to be a Fighter and the True Purpose of our Test

 On Saturday night as I was praying, I thought, “Dear Heavenly Father, please help me to stop being angry! I don't want to get frustrated or lose my temper any more. It's just such a beautiful thing to be calm and peaceful.” Then I felt a distinct impression: But I sent you down to this day and time because you are a fighter. I thought some more and between me and the Spirit, I think we came up with a plan to count to 10 when I start to feel that passion rise; a count to 10 so I can make sure it is worth fighting for and the person or cause is worth fighting against ;).

Speaking of internal measurement of emotion, this last week was probably a 9.9 for me on the internal Richter scale of emotional turmoil and upheaval. I journaled about it earlier, but something on Sunday makes me bring it up again.

The speaker, Brother James, is a teacher at the local university and he started talking about tests, referring to Elder Bednar's recent address. Brother James talked about the stages of learning in a healthy classroom: preparation, test, evaluate, re-teach what wasn't learned. Good teachers use tests as a way to measure what still needs to be learned, he taught. This really struck me.

So often I feel tested or tried immediately after I bear my testimony about some principle or concept, tested on the very principle I bore testimony of! I have always felt it was like a, “well I guess you don't know as much as you thought you knew” or “yah...let's see how much you really believe that” in some kind of dispassionate correction from heaven. However, looking at it in the light that Brother James shared, it is ever so much more wonderful! We bear our testimony or feel that we are “ready” with the material in a particular “subject” of mortality: patience,brotherly kindness, tithing, etc. Then our loving Heavenly Instructor says, “Okay, now you will be tested on this to see areas of this principle where you might need to improve on to make sure you know all the material.”

Seen in this light, the ultimate “graduation” of godhood is lovingly achieved test by test until we show that we truly have mastered the material. We are tested in intimately personal ways that help us see facets of eternal truths and concepts that maybe we didn't know as thoroughly as we need to in order to truly “master” it.

After he spoke, I felt the love of God so intensely after my own personal trial last week about the concept of “don't run faster than you are able but be diligent.” It wasn't that I was tested and shown that I was a failure at that concept. He was just teaching me more. And now I feel that I have a better understanding of what it feels like “to run faster than I am able,” and definitely faster than God expects of me. “Cheerfully do all things that lie in your power...and then stand still.” (D&C 123:17) Hopefully now I can recognize that feeling (a very common feeling apparently) and not push past it as I so often do. This is particularly timely as I am starting up four new groups here in the area starting in March. I have felt prompted to start them and know that they will work out. I have already seen resources come available and felt myself directed. Sometimes working with God on things is like a roller-coaster ride on the down hill slope and it feels like a rush of things that I can barely take in. However, underlying it all is a calm assurance to just “keep my arms and legs inside the car” and enjoy the ride.

Sleepless Insanity

It was a brutal last couple days this last week. I saw part of every hour from 3 am Monday morning to midnight on Wednesday night. Wednesday night, I got to miss seeing the 12am...and at 1 am I stopped doing our new alarm system for Eli to help him wake up at night and not wet the bed. Between bed-wetting patrol and baby stirring for food and farts, it was no bueno.

I was horrible inside. My friend Margaret Pace told me that pets can go without food and water but when they go without sleep, they go crazy. Well, that's where I was going. In my prayers, it was hard to approach God—either not wanting to or not feeling worthy after my frustration/anger episodes. I kept it in pretty well all things considered but I was still not happy with it.

Well, I slept from about 2:30 am until 8 am Thursday morning and woke up a new person. The best part was that when I got on my knees once again, I felt like my Heavenly Father immediately, without hesitation, swallowed me up in a big bear hug.

Yes, He will not give us more than we can handle, but sometimes we give ourselves more than we can handle through our choices and priorities. It was an interesting epiphany to have after a few days of ranting and raving to heaven about giving me more than I could handle. 'Twasn't pretty. Hopefully it is over and the lesson is learned. Application will be trickier, for sure, but knowing about the problem is a great start.

Sometimes "just one little thing more," no matter how necessary it may feel, is just one things too much.