Forgiveness

We have to forgive to be forgiven

In fact, what we are holding people accountable for is far less grievous than we do when we sin against God. We often grab people by the throats to demand forgiveness.

Instead of encouraging my kids to say sorry, I should encourage them to forgive

Video about Revelation

I wanted to keep this somewhere...

This highlights the main points of President Nelson's April 2018 address about personal revelation, how essential it is and how to get it.

From Over-packed Lessons to Over-packed Days

Have you ever heard those fateful words at the beginning of a lesson:
"There is just so much material for us to cover today!"

I don't know about you, but usually lessons started this way turn into a fast-forward, "no time for input" session of endure to the end.  Comments are cut short or dismissed.  The carefully prepared object lesson is given precedence over a carefully prepared heart.  Material is read at hyper-speed in the last five minutes of class...as if it is going to sink in?  I am so guilty of this approach and have been learning as I have taught seminary every school morning for the past 2 1/2 years, that teaching from this approach is the fastest way to create the "glazed" eye approach to learning.

By the end, the material might be "covered," but there is something missing.

Contrast with those lessons that begin this way:
"There is just so much potential to cover today. I can't wait to see where the Spirit leads us!"

The first focus is teacher-material/centered, as if the most important thing is the material and the most important medium the teacher.  Is this wrong?

Perhaps this is the better question:
"What is the purpose of the teacher? Of the material?"

To change hearts.  To change lives.  Something that can only happen as the student and the teacher connect with the Spirit as true education, true learning occurs.

Now this is nothing new. I am sure anyone can tell you the truth of this approach.  I have felt the delicious confirmation of truth learned and hearts changed in class after class...when all the material wasn't covered.

So let't take this idea one step further.
But don't we use the first approach to life, to our days, to our relationships?

And what happens?
At the end of the day, the dishes may be done, the errands run, the family fed...but there is something missing.

As Thoreau put it, we are so busy running around--"covering the material," so to speak--that we miss what the material is for.

I mean, think of it!  How often have you started your day with this approach: "Oh my goodness! I have so much material to fit into my day!  I have got to be busy, busy, busy!"

We push off the little kids wanting to help with dinner so we can make the dinner...which is there to help bring us closer together as a family.

We plant the flowers but never take the time to just sit and enjoy them.

We neglect making potential sweet memories while perfecting our preservation of other memories just so.

We provide for our family all their needs and wants so they can be taken care of from a physical standpoint often at the expense of more sensitive, emotional needs that require quiet, time, stillness, slowness.

But aren't all these things good?  Doesn't the family need to be fed, the flowers planted, the provision made?  Yes.  That's just the problem.  And just like in teaching a lesson packed with great material, we should approach our lives the same way.

"Wow.  There is just so much potential to cover today. I can't wait to see where the Spirit leads us."

Are all those things good?

Absolutely.

Are all those good things necessary or even possible?

No.

The fruits of the Spirit are peace.  It is taking me a lot of experimentation and daily adjustments to try things out.  I am not expert at this!  But seeing my life like I do my classes helped me gain a little perspective that it is okay if at the end of the day, if some of those good things are left out, but the Spirit is felt and lives changed, that is what needed to happen.

Because what is the purpose of the teacher? Of the material?

To change hearts.  To change lives.  Something that can only happen as the student and the teacher connect with the Spirit as true education, true learning occurs.

**********
Reality: I am finishing this up while my toddler screams at me.  Still learning!

Sunday Thoughts: An over-fixer?

Today was a quieter day.  A Sabbath day.

I was told to "wait on the Lord" the other day at the temple.  And then, as God so often does, He sent me an object lesson.

Near us in our session at the temple was a busy and well-intending woman.
"Are you planning on...?" she whispered loudly at one point, trying to figure out the best way to have us seat ourselves.
"I think that man has his clothing on incorrectly," she fretted at one point and let a few people know (including the young man) until it was rectified.
And a few other items just had to be mentioned during the session.

While I could see the goodness and good intent of this woman in her solicitous-ness, I also recognized that she had broken the worshipfulness of the moment.  I didn't resent her. I could see her heart was so good and well-intending.  I just noticed the disruption and pondered on it.

Today during the sacrament, her example came to mind.   Sometimes fixing things "because it will just make everything better" actually disturbs what is actually supposed to be happening.  None of the problems the woman was trying to avert or fix would have taken as long or were as distracting as what she was doing to fix it.

I am good at doing it.  In being laser focused on everything that I could do to prevent or fix things, I often disrupt the very thing I want to have happen:
-kids developing experience and personal growth
-students having an inspiring environment
-having a discussion in a class that is uplifting and edifying.

So often I look around with that discerning eye to see what is wrong before it happens...kind of like pulling up the little tree or plant to check the roots and see how their growing.

Psalm 26-ish, last verse: Wait upon the Lord.  Mary, you can do it.   Take a deep breath.  See the waves around you, know that He cares if we perish or not, and let me fear not and let Him still the storm when it is necessary.

"If you are comfortable, you probably aren't leading"

Whenever I quote from Oliver DeMille, I feel like I need to add the caveat that while I love the part I quoted, sometimes I don't understand all of what he says enough to say that I endorse all he says.  However, I felt these thoughts bore mentioning.

Just to kick it off, he starts out with speaking of the contrast of the perhaps "old fashioned" intent to build character and answer to the inner drummer verses the more common mantra today: fit in.  Seek approval...or at least followers ;).

Here is where part of his thoughts go, with me particularly liking the first and third paragraph but throwing in the second for context:

If you are comfortable, you probably aren’t leading. (Nor are you, for that matter, likely to be experiencing effective leadership from anyone else.) Decline, on the other hand, is typically mired in comfort, until a major crisis or setback arises, when chaos and terror set in. But the path to such events is usually filled with what past generations could only describe as weak, though one still deals with the stresses of trying to meet the approval of others, punctuated with as much free-time entertainment as possible.

Philosophers and scholars have long been fascinated with the idea of “socialization”. It is at times the supreme goal of societies (“is the society savage or advanced?”, “let’s make sure they get socialized”), and on the other hand it typically coincides with growing weakness, mediocrity, sloth. Softness. Whining. Calls for more government help to get by. Ultimately, decline. For Aristotle, this division began with the difference between the community (a group of families, each choosing and acting as individual units, while generally coordinating and working together for common goals—always voluntarily) and the city (the “civis”, root of the word “civilization”, made up of many more people than a community, so many in fact that the most “efficient” way to govern them was for a few elites to rule things from the top down; for the few to tell the many how to live). This has ever been the great divide: bottom-up self rule by individuals,families, and communities, versus top-down rule by a group of elites, usually through government.

The first naturally adopts individualistic goals and mannerisms; the other flourishes as people put aside individualism and desire mainly to fit in. Elizabeth Bennet versus Caroline Bingley, to put a fine point on it. Colonel Brandon vs. Willoughby. It is the Ayn Rand hero versus today’s “acceptable” modern man or woman. John Adams considered this the great battle of humanity, and the choice each of us needs to make in life: either to serve, improve, and progress, or, alternatively, to spend our lives trying to impress others.[v]"

Commandments: a matter of trust?

This morning I had a conversation with one of my teenagers about his using my cell phone at night. I spoke about how it is hard to set rules in place as much as I like agency and don't like conflict (because rules seem to inevitably create conflict). Maybe it is time to have a devotional about the principle behind rules. That it isn't a matter of lack of trust. In our case as parents, it is Quinn and I seeking through inspiration those tools, those structures, that will guide our family in correct paths. If that is the case, then I need to abide by them as well. Super cool!

It is true that there are certain privileges or rights that are only exercised after certain progression. I wouldn't want Xai cutting with knives or Elijah fixing the electric work. But are these the same as the kind of rules that I am speaking of? Great question.

Hmmmm...

I just read this article on an lds.org blog about the Gospel being the hack to eternity:

"Last month, some friends and I were catching each other up on our week. One friend shared that he was taking on the burden of his mom’s alcoholism recovery. He was just younger than me, and that sounded like the worst task ever.

Later that night, the conversation moved to how expensive smoking is and how someone we knew had been going through a pack of cigarettes a day. (Do the math; it’s so much money!) She was trying to quit and was going through withdrawals. Her son was really happy she was quitting, though. His dad had died of a drug overdose, which made any drug use that much scarier for this kid.

Finally, our conversation ended on coffee—how much people drank every morning (and afternoon and sometimes night) and how they missed their lattes now that they couldn’t afford them daily.

As I drove home, thinking over all these conversations, I had the thought, “The Word of Wisdom is basically the biggest life hack ever.” (If you don’t know, a “life hack” is a way to make your life better, live more efficiently, etc. As someone online described it, a life hack is what was formerly known as “a good idea.”) It’s as if God said, “Here’s a way to save you money, help you stay healthy, protect your kids, and avoid really tough emotional burdens, including your own and others’ addictions.” It’s almost as if God anticipated all the problems we’d be up against and gave us a way to avoid half of them.

With any of God’s commandments, we have the choice to follow them or ignore them. But as I thought of the Word of Wisdom as a set of guidelines from God that both anticipates and protects us from so many challenges, I thought, “What if all of God’s commandments work that way?” What if a loving Heavenly Father, who has experienced this life and its challenges, has given a guidebook to help us navigate the world as painlessly as possible? And what if He gave that to us because He loves us and wants to protect us?

Want to be content with what you have, to be happy and grateful? “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house” (Exodus 20:17).

Want to avoid guilt, incarceration, crippling bail and court fees? Want to keep people’s trust and respect—and your job? “Thou shalt not steal” (Exodus 20:15).

Want to stay close to God so that He can guide and direct you and help carry your burdens? “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind” (Matthew 22:37).

The list goes on and on. Every single commandment can protect us from heartache, make our lives easier, keep us out of trouble, or just help us find peace. And all with so very little personal cost or inconvenience. (And no hidden fees!)

I certainly don’t want to minimize God’s commandments as mere guidelines or helpful life hacks. They’re much bigger than that. But they’re also really that simple. Heavenly Father can’t protect us from everything. But as a loving parent, He would like to prepare us and protect us from the cost of our choices—by guiding us to make better ones.

Of course, we can keep the commandments and still have bad things happen. So why bother?

Because we’ll never know what we are being protected from through our obedience. Because it helps free us from a life of self-inflicted wounds. Because obedience helps us stay close to God. Because it puts us in position to repent when we choose wrong. Because we trust God to know how to bless and protect us.

The list goes on and on. It is so much longer than the list of reasons not to keep the commandments.

For better or worse, God lets me choose how obedient I want to be. I get to choose how much I open myself to the blessings He has for me. So why keep the commandments? Because I want my life wide open to the help God is trying to give."

It would be good to have a family discussion about it. I pray that the Spirit will make people open to it. To know that Quinn's and my motives are to help our children grow by seeking the Spirit to guide us in providing rules and instruction. It is not a matter of trust. It is about doing the right thing at the right time.

Just as the commandments are not a matter of whether God trusts us or not.  They are just the right thing to do at the right time.

The Ideal is Broken

I have been a self-proclaimed idealist for years.

There is a problem with this idealism.  I have the wrong ideal.

Case in point: I just came home from two days away from home, leaving our busy household of 11 children ages 21-1 under the management of the older children while we went to pick up Reka with Kel from the airport at JFK. When I came home, I noticed the curtains awry, the caramel popcorn not in baggies so they wouldn't dry out, the table cloth that actually wasn't a table cloth, the baby out of her jammies and the older kids all still awake. Why? 

And more importantly, is that a good thing?

At the end of this life, I believe I have—subconsciously—felt that the judgment of our lives will be a measure of all the things we perfected: our weaknesses, our situations, our knowledge. So I do this constantly, always evaluating everything that happens around me against some standard of measurement that seems to become more "exact," more "lofty," the more I see the "perfection" or "completeness" of others: in books, in movies, in the lives of those around me.

Yet, as I came home last night, even though I was joyful in my return and acknowledged the good, I just kept pointing out those little "unfinished" details either to myself or to the kids who had taken charge during my absence.

I woke up with the horror of what I had done.

Am I being over-dramatic? Really? The horror? You decide.

I barely acknowledged the good. I "lovingly" laughed aloud at the "unfinished." But this is what I really came home to:

-a home where all my children were happy and the youngers peacefully sleeping

-a home where they had painstakingly purchased supplies for and made up several kinds of our favorite Christmas treats...and left no trace of that production in our home other than finished goodies...all while:

-cleaning up kids and the home, even taking care of the monster pile of laundry I left!  They did so well,in fact, that those things I noticed were the only things that were a little different than I would have done

-setting up Reka's bed

-taking care of an incident of Xai accidentally letting a train set slide down the stairs, knocking down the            baby

-keeping peace in the home!...a family well-fed, well-rested, and happy!

And I was critical of this in the name of "perfection"? Of "idealism"?

I hurt my children by not accepting their offering. I have done this their whole lives. "You have done such a good job!  Let me show you how it could be just a little better." Always. Always.  Ever and ever.  To them.  To myself.  And even, I realize now, to God.

As I saw how cruel I was to those dear ones who this weekend served with such a sweet heart and really did SO much, my thoughts drifted to the scriptures. What Christ asks of us is brokenness, is humility. We are to become perfected in Him.

I need to find beauty behind the brokenness. I need to find a different definition of "ideal." "Ideal" is not these man-made "standards of perfection" that surround us. The ultimate ideal is to be like a child, be broken, be humble, be grateful, be loving.

So if the table cloth is actually a curtain set? Don't only try to "not pay attention to it"! Pay attention to it and see in it the perfect love, the perfect devotion that is behind it and love it. Love the brokenness, the kind hearts, the good intentions in those around us even more than their actions...and if for no other reason than this:

So we can see the beauty in the brokenness in ourselves.

Let us find, let us discover, let us define a new ideal.

x

A Cookie Jar or a Floor

The other day in seminary, my daughter shared how we really need to learn to rely on the Savior and not just treat His Atonement casually.

As she shared this, into my mind came some images:  sometimes we treat the Atonement like a cookie jar on the shelf, one we reach into when we want to feel happy.

What it really should be is the floor we walk upon, the bridge into the mist.  That is what it means to rely upon Him.

The Choice Goes On

I have been reflecting a great deal lately on the choice of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden:  how it was a commandment to multiply and replenish the earth and find joy; how they were not to touch the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil.  How Eve made a choice.

I feel there are a lot of opinions out there on whether it was good or bad, whether Eve was courageous or a sinner; about the fine points of difference between sin and transgression.

But what strikes me this morning is that she was choosing between a life of perfection, of bliss of comfort...and the unknown realm of growth.

She was still choosing between Satan's plan and the plan of God.

I have been so frustrated in my own life about the presence of perceive injustices, disparities between economic, etc situations, cruelty, etc on a macro-scale: in the world, in communities at large. I have struggled with its presence in my own life: continual personal sin, sins of others hurting me and those I love, things just plain going wrong.  Stuff.  Bad stuff. And somehow I have it in my head that a life full of ease and bliss is what I am supposed to have, even entitled to have, if only my faults and those of other people (I tend on those more :S) would just get out of my way.

I have a choice.

God's plan was never the one with the life of ease.  Happy ending, yes.  Happy journey, no.  We knew it would be a time of testing.  Satan saw it and, like many of us do in this life, decided that, "nope!"  Like him, deep down we really don't want God's plan.  It is too hard, too unfair, too unjust.  Agency just has too many "unpredicalities."

You know, the eventual outcome of the plan of happiness is to be like God, and is His life free of pain or of sorrow? We read in the Book of Moses how He saw Satan wielding his chain over the children of men, His children, and laughing.  And God wept.

He weeps when we struggle.  He yearns to help us.  But in order for His plan to work, we have to choose Him.  Choose to become like Him.  Choose to see the lesson in the pain.  Choose to embrace the instruction in the tears.  Christ chose it.  It was hard.  He groaned under the weight, sweated under the pressure, and embraced every pain and sorrow because He knew that we could not do it on our own and be able to move past the moment of learning otherwise.

He paid the price so our suffering is as minimal as a truly repentant heart.

We choose.

So do we want to be like God, one who witnesses pain, suffering and injustice at the hands of others as they use their agency in this trial by fire?  Or do our hearts still yearn for Satan's plan, the perpetual Garden of Eden?

What do we choose?

Primer Missionary Work and "The Transition"

A letter to my local missionaries...shared in case it helps someone else or if anyone has anything they would like to add :D.

My dear young friends, 

I hope you will not find it presumptuous of me to send this letter. Since our conversations both at church and last week, my mind has been bombarded with thoughts of you and your situations, both as missionaries here in western New York, and as young men who will soon be transitioning to “the next phase.” I hope you will know of the love and respect that I feel for you both as servants of the Most High.

Were you there when I was having the recent conversation about how “all things denote there is a God”? That “all things testify of Christ”? Well, I have found that even, and sometimes especially, when I am doing seemingly mundane tasks, the Spirit guides me mind to eternal principles...like cleaning up dried peach muck embedded with tiny glass shards, right ;D.

That was true today. I learned in Seminary last year that if we pray before everything and consecrate our performance to God, it will be a blessing to us, “that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul.” So, when I woke up at 5 am ready to paint that closet that has needed painting, I said a prayer on the ladder, “consecrating my performance.” And it was like the windows of heaven were opened and God was there, talking to me as I painted.

Now, I don't know if you have painted much. I have! Every wall in this house, pretty much, at least one coat! :D And one thing I have learned is no matter how good the paint—even the ones that are “paint with primer”—if you are doing an initial coat on wood, tape, etc., you need primer. I hate primer. I really do. You can never make the wall look good with primer, and believe me, I've tried! And that is because the purpose of primer is to make the succeeding coats of paint stick, not to look good on its own! Paint is when you get visible results. But those results are not effective unless the primer coat has been applied first. In fact, you can paint with only the newest “paint and primer” varieties but you still end up doing more total coats than if you had just used a primer to begin with!

As I relived this truth this morning, painting for hours without seeing a beautiful wall before me, I kept thinking, “It's okay if my paint job looks like garbage, like a waste of time; primer is for making things stick,” again and again in my head. One time while I was rehearsing this litany in my mind, I realized that missionary work in western New York is sometimes like putting on the primer coat. It is super necessary. The preliminary work done by the “priming” missionaries makes later work stick...but it still has to be applied completely and effectively. Not missing any corners.

Is “priminging missionary work” essential to that final, glistening coat? Absolutely. Does it make the later work stick? Absolutely. Does our Father in Heaven, whose work this is, know when His faithful sons and daughters are doing the priming and not seeing the results? Absolutely. Does He guide those who are obedient and faithful to “prime the corners,” those hard to reach places? Absolutely. And is it all His work?

Elder, you mentioned once in passing that when you are with people, sometimes it feels like a waste of time. “I am here to share a message!” you told me, with a little bit of frustration. My heart went out to you. You have a good and obedient spirit and it is easy to get disappointed having no visible results. But I have thought about it since then, and please forgive me if this comes out wrong, and I think, in fact, you are here to do God's work, not just “share a message.” Sure, that is sometimes a part of it, but sometimes there are other ways to preach (like take someone's dog back to them when they were unkind to you :D.)

Sometimes God's work demands slaying Laban with a sword, and sometimes it demands kneeling in prayer while you are slain. Sometimes it requires opening your mouth and sometimes it requires opening your heart. That is the crazy awesome thing about the Spirit...you never know what will come next! To planners like me, this can be a little daunting. But when you can relax and just follow the Spirit, it is amazing where it will take you.

The hard part about being “priming missionaries” is that you really don't get to step back, see your labors, and be satisfied. But doesn't God promise that those who do not see but still believe that they are more blessed for their faith than those who do see? In D&C 18 it tells us of the joy that we will feel in bringing even one soul to Christ. Missionaries that are involved in baptisms are blessed to feel the joy at that ordinance. Why? Because they see someone get baptized? Or is the more lasting satisfaction the spiritual confirmation that God sends them along with that ordinance? Is He not capable of rewarding the “priming missionary work” with that same scope of spiritual joy and happiness? We may not know where the joy comes from, or to what labor it is connected, but as we daily seek for God's guidance we may be assured that we will be graced with His Spirit that brings peace and joy, the ultimate reward

So when you are out “priming the corners,” enjoy the manifestations of the Spirit as it testifies how to show charity to those you are serving, the ultimate “sticky” tool of priming :D!

*********

Now, to the next point :D. Sorry if I am a little wordy, but I am trying to follow the Spirit which has to work with my inadequacies :D.

Dum, dum, dum!!!! Life after the mission...

One thing that is daunting about “the next phase” is that things no longer have an age time frame. Until now, your life has been marked by year markers: 5 start kindergarten, 8 get baptized, 12 enter youth program, 18 graduate and serve mission, 20...??? The next “goals” (marriage, schooling, eternal life) are now no longer on “year” deadlines. You basically are staring time in the face. It is a beautiful thing. Step forward. Embrace it. You are now comissioned to shape eternity, to decide what you will do with it...for is not that what it is to be God?

Satan's plan was a pre-set package: no confusion, no worries. All clearly spelled out, a step-by-(maybe even hourly!)-step specifically marked for everyone. The result? A lot of people who “made it back to God” but are nothing like Him. People who never discovered how to choose, how to “fail” (or just try something that didn't work!) and try again.

You date someone, it “fails”...good thing! It is probably because you were incompatible in the long run! You try a major, you change and try another, and another, and another...and just like in Pres. Holland's “wrong roads” talk, you not only gain the experience from all those extra classes but you get a clearer certainty that the road ahead of you is truly the one you want. No doubts at 40 years old that you never “found your passion,” no “what if I had tried Marketing or Pea-shooting as a career and loved it.” God promises that if we consecrate our lives to Him, everything...everything (even and perhaps especially the perceived “failures”) will be for our good!

As I have seen the reality of post-mission transition for my own son and in the lives of so many good and dear young men and women around me, it has been often on my mind. What truths can guide us in this phase? I keep thinking about Nephi and Lehi's journey in the wilderness (8 years!!) and feel prompted to share that it might be a good resource for you to prayerfully study, looking for parallels in your future life. I re-read it just the other day and found a bundle!!

As I said on Sunday, just because you are off your mission, God doesn't stop guiding you. Every day you can seek His counsel, His wisdom. And just like in the mission field, you may not see an immediate result every day, or even every year. Maybe you are just priming for a future amazing life. God knows the corners that need to be primed in your life for future “stickiness” or effectiveness. Humbly and happily seek His direction just as fervently as you did in the mission field. Seek mentors, like your leaders and Mission president were for you, people who have gone forth in the areas you want to improve in: spiritual, relationships, education, recreation.

For is God not just as vested in--and concerned about and mindful of--your future life as He is in your missionary work?

Missionary work. Home life. It is all the work of God. Perhaps that is one thing that missions are for: to show you that God has a work for you, that He is in the details, that His ways don't always make sense!! (Another fruit of seminary: 1 Corinthians 1:25...check it out!) Hey, ah-hah! It is like I was saying earlier about the “time markers.” For those of us who need “the next step,” our early years help us transition to life. Perhaps mission life is like that: something that helps us transition to life-long servers of Christ who seek God's guidance in all things and have a deep testimony of His work that encompasses the lives of all of His children, even yours. :D

You two are great young men! I am so grateful to have the opportunity to have you in our home every week for meals. We will try to do better to invite others to share those meals with us so more can be blessed. Know you are loved of God and that your work—every aspect of it—is a blessing to our ward and appreciated by many.

Respectfully yours,

Sister Mary Biesinger

The Staff Has Been Raised

Yesterday, at the end of the day, I was having so many negative thoughts:

-I can't get ahead

-I am not meeting the needs of my kids

The mud room was still torn apart from my "cleaning"...without inspiration on how to put it together again. Liesl was screaming after a day of shortened naps so I wasn't able to focus on anything, particularly the phone call with Tova that I was trying to have with a sore ear. I just felt dark and negative.

Then I realized that I had been here emotionally before! For years when I was a young mom, I would say to Quinn, when he came home from work, "I have had a long day." I was back!

Last night, in the middle of the night, as I struggled with these demons of depression, the message from last conference struck home: read the Book of Mormom; say your prayers; so the basics. I have been mulling over this in my mind. Tova's devotional covered the same message yesterday at college. I feel like the serpent has been raised on the staff and we are all dying around it because of the easiness of the way. So, last night, in the middle of the night, demons raging, I lay on the floor on my kid's floor and by the light of the nightlight, I read 1 Nephi 17.

In that chapter, Laman and Lemuel are complaining again despite the many miracles that have been demonstrated in their lives. I was gently rebuked, reminded that God can work miracles in my life and in fact has worked them around me currently if I open my eyes to see them...and here I was murmuring like Laman and Lemuel! "What I have is not enough!"

In that chapter there is a series of verses where Nephi challenges the disbelief of his brethren and the words rang true for me:"And now after the many miracles that have been wrought in your life, how can you murmur against the marvelous visions that God has promised for us in this life? If God said that I could make this valley a mountain and dry up the sea, I could do that...so why can't He not bring peace and joy into your life?" (Greatly paraphrasing and personally adapting...)

So how to find this joy?

I am going to test this. Every time I feel discouraged, sad, overwhelmed or depressed, I am going to turn first to God and "look at His staff," the word of God. The seed is planted.

Hair in the Drain

I thought I would be transparent as to the content for those whose stomachs roil at the thought of such delights as are in the title (Dad :D...)

A few years ago I was on a "date" with Quinn, which essentially means that we are together with no children. :D  He was doing an appraisal at the time and I was wandering around this beautiful little property in town.  The random thought came to mind: "All things testify that there is a Christ."

And, good Christian that I am, my thoughts replied: Oh yah?  Right.  I am a little bit of a challenger/skeptic when it comes to, well, pretty much anything that isn't from a source I have tested and tried (like the prophet, church, etc.) and I thought I was carrying this literal interpretation a little too far.

So I tried it.

And I found Christ-centered application to Gospel principles in everything I saw: from the spring buds on the plum tree to the grass growing through the cracks in the sidewalk.  As my mind pondered in wonder, the thought came: "You are just contriving these."  Well, the fact was that the truths are certain--uncontrived--and if cracks in the sidewalk remind me of God's love for me? That can't be bad.

This morning, I was dealing with my usual struggle during "doing my hair": hair breaking off all over the place.  The nature of my thick naturally curly hair to break off has remained through all kinds of hair treatment experiments so it is just the way it is. 

Unfortunately for my drains.

It is crazy how just a few strands here and there, innocently washed down the sink, can catch and hold further down and really stop things up later.  As I carefully caught the loose strands entwined in my fingers before I rinsed my hands, throwing them in the garbage, I wondered at how something so little can be so annoying later.

It's kind of like sin, Mary, came the thought. Just a little bit, seemingly innocent, can really "stop your drains" later.

Truths of Christ testified in all things, indeed! was my chuckling internal reply.

Alma 30:39 Now Alma said unto him: Will ye deny again that there is a God, and also deny the Christ? For behold, I say unto you, I know there is a God, and also that Christ shall come.

40 And now what evidence have ye that there is no God, or that Christ cometh not? I say unto you that ye have none, save it be your word only.

41 But, behold, I have all things as a testimony that these things are true; and ye also have all things as a testimony unto you that they are true; and will ye deny them? Believest thou that these things are true?

"Hold it all together"

"JUST BE HELD"
By Casting Crowns

Hold it all together

Everybody needs you strong

This feels so real right now!  The responsibility of everything.

But life hits you out of nowhere

And barely leaves you holding on

And I have felt like it is by my fingernails lately! I have tried to eliminate so much and still my life seems to be getting busier and busier!  The Spirit told me to "let it go" a few days ago, that the heavenly expectations of me were on hold for a while...and yet this morning I woke up almost in tears to try and finish preparation for seminary 20 minutes before it started after a restless night with my baby.  Oh so tired...what more could I eliminate?

And when you’re tired of fighting

Oh so tired...

Chained by your control

This is an interesting idea: chained by the control we try to keep over our lives and the lives of those around us.  "Control" in my case looks like: maintain a loose schedule, food, cleaning, accountability.  Recently, it has just been self-control and seeking to demand enough discipline of myself that I can read what I "need" to read, serve who I "need" to serve.  I have been telling myself that if I just visualize, ponderize, whatever-ize enough, then I should be making at least a little perceived "headway" in my life...and yet?  I just feel "chained."

There’s freedom in surrender

This morning, I pled with God on my knees: "Please help me. I just can't do anything anymore.  Please give me Thy strength." 
I didn't really feel anything. I got up.  Seminary happened.  Everyone was there, even the girl who never comes.  They had fun; felt the Spirit. We made a battle plan to fight Satan.  Food happened despite no milk in the house and tired brain...in the middle of seminary and the class didn't derail.  

Piper and Lily did little things (totally inspired!) that kept me in line: simple things like quietly wiping down the machine I had just exercised on while I efficiently wiped down the wrong machine just next to it on accident, lol.

Little answers to prayer.  Little ways He has sent people to make up for what I "lack."  And I just surrendered.

A beautiful answer to my prayer this morning came as one of those little things: Lily asked if we could skip a song on our cd that we have heard often lately. The next one, "Just Be Held."  Surrender.

Lay it down and let it go.

It is time.

CHORUS:

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

And they have!  For so long!

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

I have asked, pled, and blasted out in frustration about feeling alone.  He has been there all along, waiting for me to let go.

Your world's not falling apart, its falling into place

I have so many dreams and goals.  It feels like no matter the visualization, the planning, the sheer inertia and raw power I try to exert, it is never enough.  

Maybe it is because I need to stop and watch.  I feel like God told me to stop fighting to keep going in the direction I have been and to step back and watch it fall into place.

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm

And it is oh, so stormy! I am reminded of the experience with Peter walking on the water.*  There is so much that needs fixing in me, in the world...so much opportunity for growth and service!

You’ll wonder if I love you still

I have wondered...

But if your eyes are on the cross

This reminds me of the scene in the desert outside Egypt when the Israelites were smitten with a plague.  All they had to do was look up at the serpent on the cross and they would be healed.  In lessons with others, we have scorned the Israelites for their skepticism, but maybe they were desperately looking for some plant, some remedy that would give them reprieve. Maybe their eyes were focused on dear ones that were dying or dead...mourning.
 I mean, how could something as simple as just looking--
or just letting go-- 
save us?

You’ll know I always have and I always will

He has. 

When we struggled with almost a year of financial insecurity, living off of savings and food storage and we realized it was the propulsion to a life-changing adventure in Hungary.

When the groups I had spent so long building went through "storms" and emerged in the hands of others as beautiful, productive and unique opportunities for youth to shine.

When I ran over Isaak almost 15 years ago and could still feel God in my life.

When I struggled with years of depression and woke up one morning to one morning free of it only to have it return shortly later...but that one moment!

When I emotionally and verbally lash out at my husband or children when the inner demons storm...and He heals them, protects them.

And not a tear is wasted

Listening to this, as tears streamed down my cheeks...He counts every one

In time, you’ll understand

This feels so beautifully right, right now

I’m painting beauty with the ashes

And He has so much to paint with...

Your life is in My hands

CHORUS:

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

Lift your hands, lift your eyes

In the storm is where you’ll find Me

Sometimes blessings come through rain drops**...

If I wasn't going through this storm, I may not have felt the need to let go.

And I never would have felt Him cradle and hold me:

So carefully,

So completely...

And where you are, I’ll hold your heart

I’ll hold your heart

Come to Me, find your rest

In the arms of the God who won't let go

CHORUS:

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

It feels so sweet right now, His holding me.  
It feels like those nights I rocked back and forth on my bed in fetal position, reliving the moments of Isaak's death so many years ago. While the storms raged inside, I can look back and recognize that He was holding me from without.

Can He do it again?

Can He help us get to our farm without me pushing, pushing, pushing myself?
Can He help do those things that our community need, that my family needs, that I need right now?  Or even do them for me...if I can only get out of the way with all my planning and "control"?

I just feel so tired; I feel like He wants me to let go.  Take a break.  Rediscover the joy of why I am here, why I am in a family, why I live the Gospel.  Look at the beauty of the world around me, the unfolding of spring. The beauty of this amazing property we have been given.  Th beauty of the relationships that are around me.

His holding me this morning as I wept while listening to this song felt so real, so present, so complete.

*

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