Monday, September 21, 2020

Becoming As A Little Child

Last night we came across these verses in 3 Nephi chapter 11 of the Book of Mormon:

37 And again I say unto you, ye must repent, and abecome as a blittle child, and be baptized in my name, or ye can in nowise receive these things.

38 And again I say unto you, ye must repent, and be baptized in my name, and become as a little achild, or ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God.

The parallel formation of these two verses stood out to me, bringing to focus what was different.  In the first one, you become like a little child and then be baptized. In the second verse you are baptized and then become like a little child.

I asked my family why they thought both of these verses would be included.  Quinn pointed out that it is important to become as a little child so that we are humble enough to be baptized but after we are baptized it is just as important to maintain that child-like demeanor.

This morning I woke up and pondered on what it means to be child-like.  A good friend of mine posted on Instagram recently about watching her kiddos at the park and learning from them. I thought about things my own kids have shown me recently and a couple things stood out:

-Spooner (7) is always saying, "Today is the best day ever!!!" True, he occasionally also has "the worst day ever" but rarely.  He approaches each new day full of hope and anticipation.  During my prayer this morning, a little of that attitude crept in my heart and it was a good feeling :).

-Whenever someone is hurt or suffering, both Eli (5) and Liesl (2) will soften up their whole demeanor and gently approach the person, pudgy little hands outstretch to offer a hug, gentle stroke or comforting hand accompanied with soft words.  At that moment, the only thing that matters is the suffering person or creature and my little ones are full of love and compassion.

-Snuggling is not only sufficient but essential. It's okay to stop everything for a good snuggle. It goes a long way.

-There is power in gazing into someone's eyes and just letting love and sincerity flow.  As adults, we hide too much of ourselves.  Maybe we are afraid of being vulnerable.  There is beauty in the bravery of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.

-They trust me implicitly.  Which reminds me of a favorite video at our house:


"They trust me so completely.  How I long to do the same."

Fresh starts.  Hope.  Pure love.  Child-like.

I am so grateful for the little examples that surround me and remind me of the beauty of becoming child-like. 

Tuesday, September 15, 2020

Hope

 I discovered and discussed this painting this morning with Piper.  It beautiful captures my heart at different stages in my road to emotional healing.   Just sitting and looking at this art after reading the description really touched me.  Maybe it will bless others.




HOPE

by George Frederick Watts. (1817-1904)

This is one of the earliest of the great morality pictures by which Watts earned his fame. Describing these, he said: "All my pictures in the Tate Gallery are symbolic and for all time. Their symbolism is , however, more suggestive than worked out in detail." He goes on: "I want to make people think. My intention has not been so much to paint pictures that will charm the eye as to suggest great thoughts that will appeal to the imagination and the heart, and kindle all that is best and noblest in humanity."

"Hope" illustrates the power of these pictures to make people think. The blinded figure, seated on the sphere with her broken lyre, is bending her ear to catch what music she may from the last remaining string. She cannot see the star shining above her; one by one the sweet notes of music have been taken from her, but still she sits, bowed but not broken, plucking with tender fingers whatever melody she may from the last string of those that gave her the full harmonies of beauty. She has no vision either of the star above or of the world of darkness and gloom below. Her attitude of dejection almost rejects the conventional idea that there is happiness to be found when everything seems lost, but the picture suggests the larger hope of the world that there is peace and light above the turmoil and sorrow of the earth.

Watts was something more than a painter. He painted for no gain save the reward of achievement when he felt he has a message to deliver through his pictures. To his purposes he deliberately sacrificed his natural dexterity and technique, holding that the artist should be lost in his picture. Nevertheless, the power of colour which is exhibited in "Hope" is one of the most marked qualities of his work. The whole is a delicate harmony in blues and greens, and is suggestive of the Italian influence which so strongly affected the painter.

--Tate Gallery, London

Sunday, July 5, 2020

My Customized "Promised Land"

I am beginning to believe, life is not about being righteous enough to attain the promised land you seek.

Life is about being humble enough to accept the promised land that God gives you.
JenningsWire | The World Of Success

As I was thinking about the different prophets in ancient and more modern history, I am sure none of them pictured what the end of their lives would bring: Lehi dying in America practically on the shores; Nephi building a new nation; Joseph Smith building Nauvoo in a swamp then leaving his family to die; Job losing so much and receiving a whole new batch of life.  Good, bad--but all probably very unforeseeable at the beginning...or even the middle.

While all of them received such a measure of blessings that were, quite frankly, beyond imagination, I think I am seeing something of a truth:

I need to stop trying to use my attempts at righteousness to get my own perceived version of "the promised land."
Along with it's complementary truth:

When my life seems to not be heading for that "promised land" I envision--whether an internal or external one--it is not a sign that I am doing something wrong or need to fix something.

It's not a sign that I am damaged, broken, powerless, unworthy, or insufficient.
My ownership of the results of my life and actions end at a certain point.
My happiness can be found in recognizing that point and accepting it.
When a Person Accepts Christ Does His Spirit Come Into Their Life ...

And my feelings of self-worth can actually be improved by being humble enough to recognize these truths.

When you think about it, God's eternal glory is an existence working with hateful, damaged, broken, struggling people in whom He chooses to see the potential and inherent glory despite most of what they do and say.  His focus is an endless provision of opportunities for their learning growth and development, knowing that time and time again they are going to use those opportunities--that very agency that will make them just like Him--to murder, plunder and steal.

I am currently surrounded--practically enveloped--by people with amazing hearts and beautifully imperfect selves.  This is not a tirade against anyone who is hurting me or mine.

This is about confronting years of built in self-conditioning of "if-then" deep emotional confirmation that has left me hitting my head against a wall trying to change my current "promised land."

God's own "promised land" is full of intimate experiences with joy and pain, love and hate.  Maybe to be like Him is not a matter of accepting endless bliss. It is a matter of choosing to see the beauty and potential in a plan full of pain.

After my deep healing of last fall...
I know I am doing my beautifully imperfect best.
I know that Christ's Atonement gives all the victims of my life the opportunity to heal and grow past what I will limit them too.
I know that I can and do forgive myself.

Now, I am just working on liking myself.  Perhaps I will get further if I can deeply internalize the truth of where my ownership ends in my life.  Because, truly, I can see all the blessings that I am surrounded by and have been a little flummoxed as to why I am still raging inside at times.

Maybe this will help.  Maybe the storms inside are just part of my current promised land.  That is where I am seeking peace and resolution.  I have learned that the storms outside penetrate less when the soul is at rest and my internal situation is the one that I truly have more ownership over and the one I struggle to reconcile.
Is there really a calm before the storm? | HowStuffWorks

Monday, June 1, 2020

A "Crawl"-Worthy Experience

As we... symbolically sacrifice our hearts and our sins upon the sacrament altar, we receive the Holy Ghost to a greater degree...
"We could... bring a sacrifice of at least one thing that keeps us from being like Jesus Christ to the sacrament altar."
I love this reminder of how to make the weekly partaking of the sacrament--which can easily become routine-- into a transformative event. Such purposeful approach to the sacrament table has brought powerful joy and peace to me. This hasn't always been the case, though. It has definitely been a process, starting with the following experience.
Several years ago I came across a quote from Pres. Faust that went something along the lines of--if we truly understood the significance of the sacrament, we would literally crawl on hands and knees to the sacrament table each week. While I thought it was a cool quote, it just kind of lingered in my head as I weekly went to my Utah wards.
In 2012 our family moved overseas to live in Hungary. We had 10 children at the time and relied exclusively upon public transportation. We ended up living in a village that required us to leave at 730 am, catch a bus going into Budapest,  dash across the overpass of an 8-lane freeway to catch a bus leaving from Budapest to make it to our branch house in Érd by 10 am.  We knew it was where the Lord wanted us so we did it. 
Well, one week my husband was visiting his parents,  who were on their mission in Norway. He was the sole Hungarian speaker in our family and had always handled our bus transactions. My oldest was 16, my youngest 5 months and I had a decision to make.  Pres. Faust's quote came to my mind and I thought,  "Well, I am not crawling yet so where's my excuse?"
We went and we made it. I remember the Branch being pleasantly surprised and confused when I showed up without my husband. A few weeks later one of the members was at our home. He was one of the two people in the branch who spoke broken English enough for us to communicate. "Why did you come to church that week?" he asked. I could tell it had been on his mind. The quote again came to mind and I shared it. The Spirit witnessed of its truthfulness.
Interestingly enough, I still didn't experience why...why we should treat the partaking of the sacrament in such a life-saving way. It has only been now, seven years later of faithfully "crawling" some days to church, that I am deeply experiencing how redemptively beautiful the Sacrament can be for me in my progression.  It has become that "crawl-worthy" event after years of truly just acting on faith, a sacred time to become cleansed and refocused.

Saturday, January 25, 2020

The Chameleon, the Cave, the Lizard...and Maia

Image result for image chameleon
I love conversations with my son, Drew. I never know where they are going to go. I particularly enjoy when he shares songs that mean something to him. We both resonate with the arts and I have found some deep truths in songs he has shared with me, from "Straight, White Male" to "Terrible Things." On this particular occasion, Drew shared with me a song called, "Bad Liar," a song about a divorced man singing to his wife. The potential meaning is complex and so I asked him what he thought it was saying. His answer took me into an epiphany that was timely.

An epiphany that strangely enough deals with chameleons, caves and lizards.

Background
Just the day before I had hit an unexpected place. I was home with my cute little three while all the "olders" are wandering the world in their variously unique places, some closer to home than others. They were quiet upstairs (undoubtedly eating a stolen candy bar, the wrapper of which I found under my bed the next day). The house was clean enough. I had nothing due. Nothing I felt like I had to do. I was walking around a peaceful house at the end of a pretty chill day and yet I was feeling confused. (Best word I can think of.)

Now, I am quick to pick up on unusual emotions during the last few months. Thanks to my Heavenly Father and October, I have:
(1) a new level of inner peace which has completely banished self-disparagement for the most part, and
(2) a primal understanding of His absolute love for me independent of any thing I have ever done. I no longer base my feelings of worth upon my accomplishments nor the responses of others to my actions and have been reveling in that feeling of peace for the past few months.
It is beautiful and has been freeing.

So this feeling of disquiet on a night that had no reason for disquiet caught me off guard. I had nothing I had to do, needed to do, felt inspired to do. I felt like a blank sheet. And I didn't really like it. It confused me.

Who am I? If God doesn't need me to serve for His sake but only my own, doesn't need me to change a world that He is entirely capable of saving, doesn't place another's salvation contingent upon my actions...then what? Who am I? What do I want? As a driven idealist, what next?

I felt myself caught up in self-reflection and sat down in a chair. "I want to read," I thought. "That's what I want to do."

Lesson about "filtering" from Anne Frank
Image result for image anne frankI picked up "The Diary of Anne Frank" since I had never read it and Hava is currently reading it. I was immediately drawn into her vibrant self-reflection. At the beginning she shares how she was excited to write down those things that she feels deeply and privately. And she does just that, in a beautiful, real, teenager way. It made me stop and think. I don't do that. I keep my writings and my reflections honest yet filtered.

Let's talk about "filtered." It's like writing itself. If I were to keep on the page the mis-typed, ill-written grammatics that initially come from my dyslexic fingers, no one would be able to make heads or tails of my writing. My personality when it first comes out in raw, unfiltered form is poorly understood and never really appreciated.

I see it in my Maia. I see her energy, her exuberance, her endless passionate reaction to both help and respond to any given situation. She feels so deeply and reacts so unfiltered. And people have a hard time seeing that big beautiful heart that lies behind all that is "Maia."

Anne Frank opened up to my mind a life full of teenager personality. I found meaning not so much in the fighting, not in the tragic circumstances, but in the little things like how she found her favorite area to bathe herself or what a challenge it was for her--a chatter-box--to sit still for three days while the plumbing was worked on.

It left me feeling at peace.

Back to Chameleons
It was in this state of self-reflection that Drew's interpretation came in. He told me about the way the "Mentalist" described people: how we have three layers of reaction (in my own words).
(1) chameleon: the layer of reaction most common. How we change ourselves for the situation, for people, for ourselves. It is the controlled reactions we create based upon circumstances and how we choose to react.
(2) cave: the place of reaction that is more primal, more concealed. It is a safer, more hidden place that we only show a certain set of people, perhaps seen as more real. It is how we act in our homes or in our private lives. (Drew could flesh it out better.)
(3) lizard: this area of reaction is "fight" or "flight." This is something I had experienced on Sunday when my emotions were raw from experiences the days before and I reacted strongly to an unfortunate sweet soul in first a "fight" then "flight" manner. While I felt sorry for the woman and the unintentional hurt that she felt, I also felt sorry because our friendship wasn't strong enough for that interaction. She couldn't take that part of me that is very real but most often filtered.

As Drew shared this with me, I got stuck mentally. I found myself trying to process where the real me was in relation to the chameleon, cave and lizard. The implications upon the meaning of the song is the story for another day because what I realized at 2 am the next morning was: I was something MORE than a chameleon, a cave or a lizard. I am more than my reactions to other people. While that is also who I am--as my personality is intermingled in my reactions--my identity, my self exists outside of my interactions with other people.

Which led me back to Maia.

Maia and My Personality
Maia is so much like me, for which I am grateful. It has given me an opportunity to learn about myself from the outside.

If you have any experience with Maia, chances are feelings of frustration, anger, bafflement, intrusion, unexpected physical force and irritation come to mind. From a certain point of view, she is a whirlwind of messes, physicality and volume. As I have prayerfully sought how to interact more positively with her, I have been blinded by the sheer radiance and sincerity of her soul. She is a good, kind, earnest person who only really desires to act upon what is true and right and she is trying to figure it out. She doesn't know how to turn it off. She is driven.
Maia loves everyone with her whole heart and body, so "love" means climbing on you, yelling your name at the top of her lungs, and lots and lots of art that is dedicated to how much she absolutely adores you.
Image result for image exuberant child
The reaction? Most people are put off by, annoyed by or down-right antagonistic towards her. Correct, tolerate, stifle, moderate, shape, change...all these are usual reactions to Maia.

And that's my personality. I see in her all the things I did as a kid. I knew everything. I made huge creative messes and never cleaned up. I wrote letters to everyone who might possibly love me, showering them with love. I licked up any kind of affection and approval. I was in many situations in school, church and among "friends" where I knew that I was barely tolerated when I wasn't outright rejected. I saw potential in everything and never gave up.

I probably deserved some of the negative reactions. As a five year old, I threatened to punch my mom in the stomach a week after her c-section. Precocious. I was bossy to my brothers, spunky, vivacious, loud and kind of all out there.

I look at her. I think of me. Who am I? Who is my natural, non-conditioned response self?

Strangely, as part of this journey, my mind wandered back to one of the darkest times in my life.


Lesson in Paradise
I find it interesting that one of the deepest moments of my depression happened in a picturesque beachfront apartment in Brazil with Tova, Quinn and Liesl. 
Without recognizing it,  I was in a situation where they didn't need me to do anything or be anything to be happier.  They just wanted me to be happy and they were already content. 
It was at this early stage of my healing I realized:
A) I was scared and embarrassed of being who I was after years of living in feedback mode.  Here were two people who felt no differently towards me regardless of what I did or even who I was.  At the time I think I allowed it to make me feel worthless because my worth or value before hadn't really been in who I was but the good I was able to do.  
B) I was horrified at the thought of hurting others so lived in constant fear of generating a negative response in others because of something I did, said or was.  Here I was with three people who were content with me just for who I was outside of that.
C) I am not sure what my personality outside of conditioned response is. I think at a basic level I don't like or am afraid how "the full real me" will be taken,  which is interesting to recognize now that I have a blessedly more healthy and stable outlook at my external interactions.

It was at 2 am Friday morning that I realized on a conscious level that I have learned to not like my personality, a personality that can be every bit as irritating, loud, messy and overwhelming as is my Maia's, bless her heart.

I am grateful for the space and awareness I have been given to be my beautifully distinct and imperfect self. I realize now at this stage in my life that other people's negative reaction towards who I am doesn't reflect anything inherently wrong with me. Of course, my core desire to never hurt anyone remains the same. Of course, I will have chameleon, cave and lizard responses. But I am looking forward to the unfolding, the re-emergence of my beautiful personality because even if I can't see it in myself, I see it in Maia.

My self will manage the chameleon, not the other way around.

The Touch of an Artist


As I knelt to pray this morning and was asking forgiveness for some specific mindsets and judgments I had the day before or in general, at first it felt like a gentle nudge in the right direction... but then I felt my usual tendency to cascade into harsh self-berating mode. 
And then something stopped me gently.

I wish I could describe what I just felt.

It was as if for the first time that I saw that God has never intended for me to be punished or corrected with the brutality with which I normally face repentance in myself. Instead, I saw that His correction for me has only ever been intended to be the touch of a paintbrush on my soul. It is me who has opted for the raw instruments of internal torment and torture that have haunted my experience with repentance. Me and Satan, who glories in the chains he wields. God's correction is a light touch, a gentle change, full of love and with the eye of potential as only seen by an artist.

Tuesday, January 14, 2020

Where Democrats and Republicans fit in: Part III

More from Oliver DeMille, about how the elites in the Democratic and Republican parties play with these two words to increase their influence:

III.

The American framers knew this history, and they tried to find a middle ground. They hoped that by separating powers and further checking and balancing the forces of government, they could keep the elite economic class working in the Senate and in the Executive branch, and the elite political class busy in the House of Representatives and the Court—all fighting each other. Fighting enough, in fact, to keep both elite groups too busy to dominate the regular people.

The framers’ plan worked and it failed. It worked because it improved the situation from what it had been before. The branches of government do attract much of the attention of the elite economic and elite political classes, and they do fight each other—a lot. Enough, in fact, that they dominate the regular people less than before the Constitutional system (for example, compare the English system from 1078 to 1894, and the Continental model from 1530 thru 1915).

But the Constitutional system failed too—because both elite classes still spend some of their time dominating the regular people. Result: we live in a society that isn’t fair, and is often unjust.

Did the founding model improve things a bit? Yes. Demonstrably so. Did it entirely fix the problems of unfairness and injustice? Not even close. But it did better than any of the societies aiming for equality—just look at Russia, China, Cuba, Nicaragua, all of Eastern Europe between 1945 and 1989, and nearly all of Western Europe after the 1960s.

The elite economic class and the elite political class are still growing, and still inflicting their various agendas on the rest of the people. Thus our modern world: Not fair, not just. Also: not particularly free, and not very equal.

IV.

To understand this more deeply, compare the two groups as they currently operate in the United States. The elite economic class (largely Republican) is trying to convince everyone to support it by calling for “freedom,” “liberty,” “capitalism,” and “free markets.” It uses these phrases and slogans as catchwords for its real agenda: “Let’s use economics to increase our power over the elite political class.”

The elite political class (mostly Democrats) does the same thing. It uses terms like “equality,” “social justice,” “democracy,” “fairness,” “higher minimum wage,” “free college for everyone,” and so on to promote its actual agenda: “Let’s use government to increase our power over the elite economic class.”

In all this, here’s the thing that everyone who wants to avoid being swayed or manipulated by the spin machines of either side needs to understand:

Both groups—the political elite class and the economic elite class—win when they keep their message complex. They both lose when the regular people understand very, very basic principles of freedom and fairness.

As a result, they both put a lot of money and resources into influencing academia, the media, the professions, and the entire upper middle class.

Let’s get specific. When anyone argues for “equality,” you have to move it out of the realm of complex, academic, deep, intellectual, and expert, and into the realm of very, very simple. The same is true when anyone argues for “freedom” or “free” markets, etc.

If you’re in a place of complex, the elites are winning. If you get to very simple, extremely basic, the regular people might win.

V.

So how do we take complex “equality” and complex “freedom” and make them truly simple? The answer is easy. Just know the following two definitions of “equality”:
  • Equality of Opportunity. Everyone has the same opportunity before the law, meaning they can do whatever they want as long as they don’t violate the inalienable rights of any other person. And this has to be simple, not complex! Meaning: people can do anything, as long as they don’t violate someone’s inalienable rights. This might sound like too much freedom to the intellectual crowd, but the regular people get it. It works.
  • Equality of Result. The government tries to make sure everyone has the same results—a generally similar level of income, similar levels of ownership, similar levels of wealth (or poverty). Or, failing to obtain this, they settle for enforcing limits on how much any business, person, or family can own or grow—to try to keep everyone at least somewhere near the same level.
Anyone who argues for Equality of Opportunity is likely on the side of the regular people. They want things to be simple: A government that protects us from foreign invasion and local murderers, rapists, and thieves—and does nothing else at all.

That’s simple: nothing else at all. Protecting inalienable rights, period. And doing nothing else.

Go beyond this, and you’re into complex. Seriously: Any fudging of this moves society into complex, where the elite classes can step in with their experts and intellectuals and take charge.

Again: The simple approach wants government to allow people to do whatever they want, and own whatever they choose to earn, as long as they don’t violate anybody’s inalienable rights. Period.

In contrast, the forces promoting Equality of Results usually want either the elite political class to win, or the elite economic class to win. The political elite class dominates the regular people by using government to regulate, intervene, and keep down the power of the wealthy elite—or so they say. But in all of history this has never once actually happened.

What happens in real life is that elites promising “equality” and “fairness” get elected or appointed to power, and then they and their friends use their position and influence to rig the system so they end up keeping more of the money and power for themselves. This is what has happened every single time. No exceptions.

Literally—there are no exceptions in history. No matter how good the theory of equality and fairness may sound, nobody has ever done it in a lasting way. Some have gotten close—but within a few years it broke down. Always.

Always!

But that’s not all. If the economic elite class dominates, it does the same kind of thing. It promises the people that it will keep the political elites from dominating, and then once it is in power it works to rig the system so it can dominate the regular people. Again, this is how it always works.
This bears repeating: There are no lasting exceptions in all of recorded history. It always ultimately turns this way, as long as either of the elite groups (political [Left] or economic [Right]) have the power.

The only time it doesn’t happen this way is when the regular people maintain the majority of the power—by keeping the government protecting inalienable rights, and doing absolutely nothing else. This creates a true Equality of Opportunity. But this is a very rare situation indeed.
It happened briefly—for some of the citizens—in ancient Athens (the Solonic era), for two short periods during the ascendance of Rome (see the Gracchi and the Aurelian eras), during the Saracen golden age and later in the Swiss Vales period, during the Frank and Anglo-Saxon golden ages, after the implementation of the Magna Carta and again after the English Bill of Rights (but only for aristos), and after the American Founding (but only in the North and West, and only for some of the population).

Again, it is rare.

We don’t live under such a system today. We are firmly dominated by the economic and political elites, and their battles with each other. They both claim to want to put the power in the hands of the regular people—but they never do.

Those calling for equality and freedom mostly want Equality of Results—either led by political elites (Democrats) or economic elites (Republicans). Neither of these ultimately promote the interests of the regular people. If they call mainly for “equality,” “fairness,” and “social justice,” they are nearly always political elites vying for ascendancy over their Republican enemies. On the other hand, if they call for “freedom,” “capitalism,” and “America first,” they are nearly always economic elites seeking to beat their Democratic foes.

People who are convinced by their slogans, catchwords, well-compensated intellectuals, and candidates are routinely disappointed, year after year after year

(as quoted from Oliver DeMille, in "The Recurring Topic of Equality")