Narcissist? Moi?

     Hey!  Super cool epiphany (and it's super cool that the epiphany is exciting; God's ways are mysterious!): I'm a narcissist!  God has really shown me how much like my little Xai that I am--sweet heart, but seriously a little obsessed with both my own ideas (case in point, how much I download everywhere!), but also with avoiding pain.  But it feels super hopeful and wonderful!  Like a piece of the puzzle has been slid into place...a healthy place.  

And then I opened up to Jacob 4:7 this morning: God shows us our weaknesses that we may know that it is by His power and grace etc that we have power.  Seeing myself in the context of Xai and a friend's recent divorce and her reasons why, and then seeing them both through the benevolent lens of narcissists from a recent Brene Brown book I read is super cool!  (Basically, narcissists operate out of a place of pain and trauma.) Exciting, humbling in such a good way. Jacob 4:10: seek not to counsel the Lord but to take counsel from his hand...ye know that he counseleth in wisdom....and in great mercy.  

I had been reflecting upon a few things.  Xai is super obsessed with avoiding pain.  I can see that in myself.  Even the lengths I will go to to avoid future pain.  Many of the obsessive ways that I do things is to minimize the pain that I might feel…kind of symbolized by how I go after a sliver.  I know it will hurt more in the long run so I dig deep and fast and hard, sometimes perhaps inflicting more pain than my child would experience in the long run. Okay, maybe I’m not quite that militaristic about it, but maybe as a real life analogy I am, sadly.  How much pain do I inflict, operating out of fear of future pain?

Xai is also full of great ideas–that he can’t wait to share with everyone around him.  He has a hard time listening to others he is so full of his own ideas.  He also has a super sweet heart.  SO I can see these both in me. I have no bad intent. I’m just a little hyper aware of my own thoughts and am super excited about them and share, share, share!  I’m not completely unaware of those around me. I have become increasingly aware of it over the years and through experiences. In fact, I feel like one collateral beauty of the horrible experience with Isaak really made me start thinking of other people, the pain they feel, and the redemptive power of the Atonement to reach all of us, thereby minimizing any tendency towards comparative quality in my worship and worthiness with those around me.

I have also thought about my friend’s recent sharing about her divorce with her husband, how she felt like for years and years she was not appreciated. She gave and gave and gave and just never felt like her husband was interested in filling her cup.  And when it seemed like they needed to do something, it was like he had given up and that “she wasn’t even worth trying for.”  Now, this is just the lens of interpretation through which I heard her and definitely did not accurately represent her since I can’t know of her experience and the range of experiences and emotions that led her to the place.  But what I took away from it is it is easy for us as woman to seek for love through our service, a toxic ulterior motive. We serve and serve and serve some more.  Yes, because it is right, but also because we hope that in doing so, we will fill our cups of feelings of worthiness or “lovability.”  At least, that is what I have experienced.  My husband is not the villain or disinterested party in my hear that I sometimes paint him to be.  Bless his resilient heart, he will never be enough to offset the voices in my head.  No one will be. As long as I’m strongly advocating for my unworthiness and “unlovability,” the internal voice will be stronger, just as those things up close to our vision are always larger than those at any greater distance.  And maybe our poor husbands can sense this.   Or spouse…maybe it is something anyone can do?

Quinn came into our marriage just enjoying me. I did also to a degree, but over the years have sought for more and more, like the Aerial of “Little Mermaid” and “The Greatest Showman.”

    But this epiphany has been a truly humbling experience but also very exciting.  This is something I can do. And it feels right.

Cool talk I "coincidentally" came across this morning:

Of course, we all have some habits or flaws or personal history that could keep us from complete spiritual immersion in this work. But God is our Father and is exceptionally good at forgiving and forgetting sins we have forsaken, perhaps because we give Him so much practice in doing so. In any case, there is divine help for every one of us at any hour we feel to make a change in our behavior. -- Elder Holland, 10/21

 

The Son rises

 I used to think that one factor-- the main factor-- facing Eve (garden of Eden), Nephi (Laban), Joseph Smith (116 pages) and Mary mother of our Savior (immaculate conception) was the idea of shame in being seen as doing the wrong thing when you know in your core that you are doing what God wants you to do. 

I wonder if the challenge for them in facing their decision was also (and moreso?) the pain they feared to cause the ones they loved... the ones who might not understand what they did and that it was indeed God who had told them to do it. 

But as gods and goddesses ourselves, will not often the higher right be the one that is least understood and seems to cause unnecessary pain?

The whole plan of salvation seems to pivot on the allowance and even embracing of the potential pain that comes with, right choices,  growth and learning. (Bury our weapons of war or take them up in our defense?) 

Yet we often seek that less painful path as a default, facing that conundrum of "men are that they might have joy."

I guess joy doesn't always mean an absence of pain. 

***

Regardless, we will never go out of existence. 

The sun always rises after the pain. 

We can only feel it, though, if we turn our faces to the Son. 

God is good. 

His ways are higher than our ways. 

Seek to be Meek ;)

 I have recently really been struggling to have faith and hope despite all the crazy awesome blessings I have and it was frustrating!  Then I ran across a scripture in Moroni and I have become a little obsessed with meekness, lol.  God tells us there that we cannot have faith and hope without meekness.  Weird.  So I can't have faith and hope unless I'm meek?  Wait!  So did that mean I was being prideful and that was why I didn't have faith or hope?  I don't believe this is always the root of sadness, for sure! But it sure has been something of an immediate cause of effect in my life.

So I did what's called a "word study" on meekness, where you gather cool quotes and scriptures about it, and I thought I would share it with you. I would love to hear any thoughts you may have about it!

MEEKNESS: Softness of temper; mildness; gentleness; forbearance under injuries and provocations.

Matthew 11:29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 

Number 12:3 (Now the man Moses was very ameek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.)

Moroni 7: 43 And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be ameek, and lowly of heart.

“The Savior’s meekness and perfect walk before all mankind, “even in those times of severe persecutions and abuse which were heaped upon Him by a wicked and adulterous generation,” qualify Him as the perfect teacher from whom we are to learn the lessons of eternity…

Meekness is not weak, timid, or passive. Meekness is the quality of being God-fearing, righteous, teachable, patient in suffering, and willing to follow gospel teachings. A meek person is not easily provoked or irritated, pretentious, arrogant, or overbearing. Whereas humility generally denotes acknowledging dependence upon God and receptivity to counsel and correction, a distinguishing characteristic of meekness is a particular willingness to learn both from the Holy Ghost and from other people who may seem less experienced or capable, may not hold prominent positions, or otherwise may not appear to have much to contribute.” (Elder Bednar, “Walk in the Meekness of my Spirit,” 2017)

Neal Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: Meekness is needed in order for us to be spiritually successful—whether in matters of the intellect, in the management of power, in the dissolution of personal pride, or in coping with the challenges and routine of life. With meekness, living in “thanksgiving daily” is actually possible even in life’s stern seasons. (BYU Speeches, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles October 21, 1986)

Personal definition:  Meekness is powerful, God-centered self-control, which not only helps me control myself, but also gives fertile ground for the birth of faith and hope.

Personal application:  I want to have hope and faith in my life.  To do so requires meekness, which is “the dissolution of pride” and I’ve already felt the fruits in my life.   I have also seen it be powerfully applied in the lives of others and am excited to apply it more!  When in doubt, seek to be meek!

Submissive Leadership

 Quick thoughts on my scripture reading this morning: 3 Nephi 8-the Lord has control over the very elements but exercises that power very carefully.  That reminds me and actually connects two other things I read about this morning!!!

1 Peter 5: 2 aFeed the bflock of God which is among you, taking the coversight thereof, not by constraint, but dwillingly; not for efilthy flucre, but of a ready mind;

3 Neither as being alords over God’s heritage, but being bensamples to the flock.

4 And when the chief aShepherd shall appear, ye shall receive a bcrown of cglory that fadeth not away.

5 Likewise, ye younger, asubmit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with bhumility: for God cresisteth the dproud, and giveth grace to the ehumble.

6 aHumble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time:

7 Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

8 Be asober, be bvigilant; because your adversary the cdevil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:

I need to be humble and submissive to those around me and in my stewardship or the devil will rend me as a lion.  We need to exercise the power and authority we carry in any capacity carefully, especially the power that God lends us to fulfill our stewardships….which reminds me of a cool quote from something I read earlier this morning from a talk called “Divine Parenting” from the last conference:: 

"God will do everything He can, short of violating your agency, to help you not miss out on the greatest blessings in all eternity."  (President Nelson) 

This is an interesting model to follow as a parent and as a missionary leader!  That line between respect of agency and stewardship is hard to find sometimes!   This also led me to this other great quote (from another great talk from President Nelson "Salvation and Exaltation" 4/08):  

Do not try to control your children. Instead, listen to them, help them to learn the gospel, inspire them, and lead them toward eternal life. You are God’s agents in the care of children He has entrusted to you. Let His divine influence remain in your hearts as you teach and persuade.  

I feel like these all tied together well to remind me of the key underlying principle of an awareness of where my stewardship over those under my stewardship begins and ends….and to “learn from the best,” as it were. (Per 1 Peter 2)

Too often we enter into these kind of relationships with our egos leading out: thinking of all we have to offer or feeling a weight of guidance and direction–which can be real! But I know that I am inclined to take on too much and step in too often and too quickly…and too assertively or aggressively.  This is normally born out of fear and ignorance and a lack of faith in the individual.

I would love to hear how anyone who reads this has benefited from leadership that allows them to grow and develop in this way! I know that my heart warms just trying to think of people that have blessed me this way <3.

My morning pep talk from God

 I am facing another week of hours of dress rehearsals with two performances at the end. It is a little stomach-clenching because I don’t just find the best of the best and find a way for them to shine. I take those who have seldom if ever acted and thrust upon them great roles and seek to help them discover the capacity within each of them. It is nerve-wracking but has thus far produced 100% incredible results.

They say that the more work, sweat, frustration and love a an artist experiences with a piece of art, the more the viewers can feel it.  I realized that this is the way with me.  The audience feels that our plays are a little different as they sense the vision of potential that goes into it.  For this is not just my work, but God’s.  Actors and actresses stretch and grow under the vision and tutelage of someone who sees them for more than they see themselves. 

But I honestly get a little stressed at this stage.

As I went to my scriptures for comfort this morning, I started flipping from the back and got caught in Abraham 3:22-23-

22 Now the Lord had shown unto me, Abraham, the aintelligences that were organized before the world was; and among all these there were many of the bnoble and great ones;

23 And God saw these souls that they were good, and he stood in the midst of them, and he said: These I will make my rulers; for he stood among those that were spirits, and he saw that they were good; and he said unto me: Abraham, thou art one of them; thou wast achosen before thou wast born.

I too was chosen for this role as a director of these youth plays, just as I chose the youth in their roles. And the product that I have seen in the past and continue to see as their vision of themselves change--the confidence they gain--is glorious.

I kept working my way backward in my scriptures and this is what I found:

Moses 1: 4 And, behold, thou art my son; wherefore alook, and I will show thee the bworkmanship of mine chands; but not all, for my dworks are without eend, and also my fwords, for they never cease…

6 And I have a work for thee, Moses, my son; and thou art in the asimilitude of mine bOnly cBegotten; and mine Only Begotten is and shall be the dSavior, for he is full of egrace and ftruth; …

7 And now, behold, this one thing I show unto thee, Moses, my son, for thou art in the world, and now I show it unto thee…

12 And it came to pass that when Moses had said these words, behold, aSatan came btempting him, saying: Moses, son of man, worship me.

13 And it came to pass that Moses looked upon Satan and said: Who art thou? For behold, I am a ason of God, in the similitude of his Only Begotten; 

16 Get thee hence, Satan; deceive me not; for God said unto me: Thou art after the asimilitude of mine Only Begotten.

I am His daughter, made in the similtude of the Son of God.  That’s powerful.

I ended in Moses 6:27 with Enoch:

27 And he heard a avoice from heaven, saying: bEnoch, my son,...

31 And when Enoch had heard these words, he abowed himself to the earth, before the Lord, and spake before the Lord, saying: bWhy is it that I have found favor in thy sight, and am but a lad, and all the people chate me; for I am dslow of speech; wherefore am I thy servant?

32 And the Lord said unto Enoch: Go forth and do as I have commanded thee, and no man shall pierce thee. Open thy amouth, and it shall be filled, and I will give thee utterance, for all flesh is in my hands, and I will do as seemeth me good.

33 Say unto this people: aChoose ye bthis day, to serve the Lord God who made you.

34 Behold my aSpirit is upon you, wherefore all thy words will I justify; and the bmountains shall flee before you, and the crivers shall turn from their course; and thou shalt abide in me, and I in you; therefore dwalk with me.

Best pep talk ever. We are not only His servants; we are His sons and daughters. He walks with us in His beautifully impossible work...which led me to what I read yesterday morning about a key component that made Captain Moroni so great and successful:

Alma 48:16 And also, that God would make it known unto them ^awhither they should go to defend themselves against their enemies, and by so doing, the Lord would deliver them.

God will lead us where we should go and then our Savior will deliver us. And their track record is very impressive.

May this bless you, my dear missionaries, who are present so often in my heart and my prayers.

Beauty from ashes...