What is your "mess of pottage"?

I remember reading about Esau and thinking, "How could you be so stupid?"

You probably remember the story.  Esau is hungry and comes home, smells Jacob's pottage and asks for some.  Jacob says, "Sure, if you give me your birthright."  Esau makes the choice: eats the pottage and loses the birthright.

Now, I wasn't sure what "birthright" meant, but figured it was pretty important and have never really understood what could have possessed a grown man to trade off that birthright just to temporarily satisfy his stomach?

...until this morning.

Last week, per our stake leader's suggestion, we had a lesson as a family about how we could keep the Sabbath day holy.  We each took turns sharing how we were personally going to try and improve our Sabbath day worship to take advantage of the blessings God promises has for us.  You know, to make the Sabbath truly "a delight"! (see the book of Isaiah in the Bible)

I decided to get to bed earlier, rather than do my usual marathon of "see how much I can get done before I pass out around midnight" Saturday night routine.  10 pm.  I could do it, right?

Well, after a Saturday of painting two coats of primer on two rooms and cleaning and maintaining, I was ready for this break.  "No work for the rest of the night, except for getting ready for Sunday!" I announced to the relief of my kids around 6 pm.  Quinn wasn't back from scuba diving with his brother yet and I really wanted to spend some time with him, so I planned out to watch a movie with him and just start at 8.

Our evening moved forward as my evenings usual do...completely "behind" any kind of mental schedule I may ridiculously try to make happen :).  Baths, dinner, cleaning up after painting, promised date with Tova, family scriptures and prayer...bingo!  Time to put kids to bed!

Two hours later, the clock strikes 10 and we haven't started the movie yet.    My resolution floats around in my mind, reminding me of the promise as my evening progresses, but I rationalize:
-Quinn and I were going to do a date!
-I paid extra to have this movie (which was more than we normally pay for rental)

We watched the movie, spending some great time together with me finishing up some cookies for church the next day just in case we have choir practice with her "snack time" right before.  Bedtime was after midnight, resolution gone :).

The next morning, as I groggily struggled to awaken at 7 am to get ready for church, the phrase floated through my mind: "you sold your Sabbath for a mess of pottage."  My excuses the previous day were answered: "You could have planned the date earlier this week, and is $5 really worth not have that much better of a Sabbath?"

The Spirit had whispered to me the best way for me to honor the Sabbath better after I had asked the Lord to show me how.  The movie became my mess of pottage! I had traded something to satisfy me temporarily for something of more eternal worth.

Now, I am not beating myself up for watching a movie and staying up late, don't get me wrong! I know God loves me! I also know He probably chuckles and shakes His head as as He watches me ask for something and then not do anything He suggests in response.  I also recognize going on a date with my hubby is a good choice...I just could have done it earlier that week as well :).

This experience opened my eyes how easy it is to trade spiritual blessings for a temporal, temporary fix.  Apparently, I am not that different from Esau.

Like the saying goes, everyone can have eternal life...

there just has to be nothing else that they want more.

No empty chairs

I have been thinking about this phrase a lot lately.  It could be because I keep hearing it, almost like a tantalizingly elusive phrase that is barely beyond hearing in many conversations, yet seems to tickle my awareness with its frequent presence...

...no empty chairs...

 I think I should post it somewhere, immortalize it in some plaque perhaps, as a way to remind my children that there is always a place for them.  No matter what.

More importantly, I need to post it up for me, to remind me that this is the mentality I should parent with: to make my children feel that not only is there is always room for them in my heart, but also that they are irreplacable.

In the past I have said things like, "Leave now!" or "You will be welcome when you have a good attitude!"--often with a little too much, umm...emphasis :S.  I have wondered in the past few days if my children truly realize that in my heart (and in reality) they are each a unique and wonderful part of our family and our family will not be complete without any one of them, no matter how many we may have.

I have seen their eyes light up recently as I have called attention to their particular place in "the line up," each one with their unique personalities, their unique abilities to love those older and younger than them in their own way.  They have each been born at this particular time, in this particular place, to work their own wonders.

This morning it hit home again as I was reminded by the Holy Ghost to make sure that one particular child knew that they would always have a place and that they were cherished for who they were, no matter what they did.  My thoughts and studies led me to the account of the prodigal son and something stuck out to me: when the son reflected on his past life with his family with regret, considering how even the servants had enough to eat, it didn't cross his mind that his father wanted hiim home...just the way he was.  The son was the one who had left.  The father hadn't kicked him out.  The son's place was always there. In fact, the father went out to embrace the wayward son even before the wayward son had expressed any remorse, any repentance.

Ought we not to feel the same way? And our children....should they not also know that there will always be a place for them, in our homes and in our hearts?

Blessing #1: "Our wives did cease to murmur"

Since becoming a mother, I think the passage in Nephi where their family is going through the wilderness has had increased significance.  Not only were the women able to "give suck" while eating raw meat--the necessity of their primitive conditions during travel--but the blessing Nephi celebrates most is that "our wives did cease to murmur."

Wow.

That was the section I felt prompted to read the other day, for some reason :).  Eight years they traveled.  And sometime during those eight years of transition and bearing children on the way, they found a way to cease to murmur.

Nephi attributes it to the keeping of the commandments.  I agree.  Especially the number one commandment, "Love God with all thy heart." (See Holland's talk, "The Greatest Commandment" October 2012) As the Savior said, the second is truly like unto it: Love thy neighbor as thyself.

I was speaking with Quinn a couple days ago about the possibility of hiring someone to help speed up the progress of the drywall upstairs.  We are so close to finishing the upstairs--carpet, paint, etc--I can almost taste it.  And when I can "taste it," it seems my drive to finish kicks in.  My "I can do anything if I just push myself hard enough" Mary-ness goes into action...and in this case over-drive.   After a couple days of burning myself out and not being done, I decided to have this conversation with my patient, dedicated husband who knows that it is important to do the job right, not just get it done.

After we considered our options, Quinn paused.  In his gentle, loving way, he said, "You know, in this situation (our speed of progress), you are the only one that I see is unhappy. The kids seem happy.  I am happy.  And I completely understand why you would feel that way and am not upset with you at all!  I just want to make you happy and if we need to hire out, that will just limit our options in what we can finish with our budget in the long run.  But we can do it, if you want to...if it would make you happier.  I am sorry you are not happy."

I thought on that for a long time.  The Lord had inspired me to read that section in Nephi just that morning.  What Quinn said was completely true.  I did have a choice.  Sure, we had an epic rainstorm on Monday for hours and hours that soaked through a lot of our tent...and then I discovered as we went to bed that Papaya had wet the bed as well the night before.  Sure, we had mud tracked everywhere and the house was a mess because I had been focusing on dry-wall-ing all day instead of maintaining our household...and we had friends come over.  Sure we have struggles and concerns with children and life that we have to deal with at the same time--challenging, on-going ones.

But there is so much of good in that situation,... looking back.  Those same friends brought enough dinner for three nights.  We had enough dry things in the tent to be able to sleep comfortably and then have had blessed sunshine the following days to dry everything up.  Our upstairs is completely sheet-rocked and even most of the stairs are, with a lot of it already taped and about half of it mudded and sanded...spackled...however you want to put it :).

And I have a bathtub and shower and a laundry room...and a beautiful working gas stove...and a gi-normous fridge.

And amazing kids who do have great attitudes.

And a husband who is good at somehow keeping sane and steady with an emotionally imbalanced wife, job, and desire to do a job well so we can look at walls without blemishes :)...and he takes time to laugh with the kids and do his callings.

I just remembered one of the commandments that could really help me stop murmuring: "Be grateful."

This one is for you...

Last week, we had our monthly second meeting in Medina.  Yes, that means we not only go to our usual three hour block of worship from 10-1 in Lockport, but we also gather with many of the same saints and go to two hours of church from 5-7 and then have a "linger longer."  Five hours of church.  I don't mind it, but the little ones start losing it a bit.

Well, for that second meeting, the first hour is a fast and testimony meeting with a few specific invited testimonies and a closing testimony by one of the priesthood leaders.  This last week, I was invited to share and I was excited! I love sharing my testimony and really only don't do it every time because I want to make sure other people get the chance.  Even then I do it pretty regulary.  There is such a rush that comes with bearing testimony of God and his wonders and miracles, being something of an imperfect mouthpiece and watching Him work His wonders through me.  I love it.

Well, this Sunday I felt prompted to share part of Uchtdorf's talk, "You Matter to Him":

This is a paradox of man: compared to God, man is nothing; yet we are everything to God. While against the backdrop of infinite creation we may appear to be nothing, we have a spark of eternal fire burning within our breast. We have the incomprehensible promise of exaltation—worlds without end—within our grasp. And it is God’s great desire to help us reach it....

What mattered to Him was that I was doing the best I could, that my heart was inclined toward Him, and that I was willing to help those around me. I knew if I did the best I could, all would be well.

The Lord doesn’t care at all if we spend our days working in marble halls or stable stalls. He knows where we are, no matter how humble our circumstances. He will use—in His own way and for His holy purposes—those who incline their hearts to Him.

I spoke of Enoch, in the Book of Moses, who hesitated to work in the name of God: "Surely you don't want me, Lord.  I am slow of speech and the people hate me!"  I testified that it doesn't matter our weaknesses.  God will work His wonders through us...and will make it work out  beautifully.

As I looked around the congregation, I saw dry eyes.  Nodding heads, smiles...yes, but not the  "I've been moved" looks that I have felt blessed to see in the past.  Hmmm, I thought.  Something is missing.  Something is different.  Did I err? I silently pled with Father above. No, He said.  You will see.

Friday rolled along and I sort of lost it.  I felt like I wanted to really push the rooms upstairs and get some done.  Let's throw some paint on those walls! I rejoiced.  And then it just didn't get done.  It was a day, it felt like, of just "not getting things done."  Now, I know that things are not going to go as fast as you plan on. I knew that from the start.  I have seen that as we are still not completely done on our bathroom and just barely had a shower as of last Saturday. If anyone says "projects like this always take longer than you plan on" one more time, I will hopefully not scream or shoot daggers through my eyes at them, but it will be hard!!  However, these hurdles just seemed to be the final straw...at least them most recent "final straw." :)  I was angry. I was frustrated. No matter what I put my hand to, yesterday, I felt an obstacle and inability to move forward, from trying to get a quote for car insurance (flopped online with "need to call an agent for this complicated of a quote" and then "after hours" message on the phone even though I was calling during business hours), to mudding and sanding our first "almost done" room upstairs.  I was just missing things or not perfect enough to get the job done the way it was supposed to be done.

I felt bound by invisible cords and no matter what direction I tried to move in to get something done, it felt like moving through hardening cement and then immobility.  Ach!  I started walking in circles pushing the stroller with the three babies around and around, the circling symbolic of the circles I felt like I was going in in my life.  So mad!  So frustrated.

Then my talk came back to me: "I am able to do My work, through and despite your imperfections." His work.  Helping us settle in New York.  Sharing the gospel.  Having a home that we can share it from.  Creating a home where we can feel peace...or at least a place where I can get out our books and read them!  A place where we can eat without dirt under our feet.

As I write this, I realize my ingratitude.  How many humble homes throughout the world are like this, with families happily and contentedly living out their lives in "less than desirable" conditions.  He can do His work...it doesn't matter what resources I think I do (or don't) have.

This talk was definitely for me.